Reading Reviews for Grown Up Radioactive
  
11 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Roisin Sirius Black

10th August 2014:
Hey there! I'm back from the forums for another requested review!

So I definitely felt similarly about this chapter as the last: gimme more! More detail, more descriptions, all of that. These vignettes are really interesting, and I think fleshing them out will really help them shine (especially since each character is just contained in the chapters, I'd like more time with them, and to see how they see things).

As for Sirius' characterization, the only part I really felt like needed work was his speech to his family. It was just so, straight forward? I'd like to see more angst, more wrath. And I can't imagine Sirius tearing up easily when he goes to the Potters--but it could! It's just that if he's going to, I'd like to see it examined some more.

What I liked about the Snape chapter was the possibility that he was different in his head than how others saw him. Sirius is almost more difficult in a way, because we all love him so much. I'd encourage you to find a way to really expand on his troubles and behavior (you had a nice start with him being evasive in the first sequence, that might be cool to bring back).

Otherwise, I like how these chapters flit through little stories across several years, rather than self-contained single stories, and how you guys are expanding on details from the books. It's a nice way to do a series of character studies, and seeing the canon come in is really satisfying.

And I'm really glad you chose to write about Sirius' time with the Potters, since I always wanted to hear more about that in the books. "It would seem you've got a brother" was a really sweet line.

Again- it could totally stand to be a longer sequence. What was it like at the Potters'? What did the house look like? What was it like camping with them?

I definitely think you guys can do a lot with this story, but as it stands, all the pieces are there, and I like the shape of it.

I hope this was helpful!

Author's Response: Here's her response! :)

First of all, thank you so much for your kind words, it means so much to me. This review is one of the most inspiring and all around helpful reviews I’ve ever received and for that I cannot thank you enough.

I know it definitely requires some fine-tuning and more fleshing out and it’s something I’ve been meaning to go back and do and I’m actually quite inspired to do so soon thanks to the review, so again, thank you for that.

For Sirius, I definitely felt it was necessary to show his progression over the course of a few years, not just a random blurb of his life, you know? But yeah, I definitely want to flesh out all of the events that transpired between him and the Potters and I’m quite stoked to get into that.

Once again, thank you so much for the fantastic review. ^-^

~Mischief_managed18


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Review #2, by Roisin Severus Snape

1st August 2014:
Hello!

StillRoisin from the forums here with your requested review.

So first off--love you that wrote from Snape's POV! It was more sparse language from him than I would have expected, but I actually like that. The idea that he's a different person in his head than he comes off to others is a really interesting one, and I almost want to see that expanded upon. The difference between what Snape sees and what other people see is really fascinating. Example: when Snape caught Harry's eye at the feast. Harry misinterpreted the whole scar twinge, and Snape was introduced then as PURE EVIL. I love the idea that Snape was actually taken aback by Harry's eyes, and that he felt affection for Harry in that moment.

That said, there were some moments that seemed a little too out of character (I just can't imagine Snape ever saying "dropped the news," you know?)

I think you have a really interesting idea going here, and think it could benefit a lot from just, MORE. More description, more of Snape's thoughts, more more more! There are several vignettes you wove in, and all of them are really dramatic. I'd love to see more physical description from Snape's point of view, to really flesh out the gravity of these scenes.

I think first person was a really smart, and really ambitious decision, and I encourage you to take this opportunity to DO IT UP.

Let me know if you end up expanding this chapter, I'd love to see what you do with it!

Hope this review was helpful!

Best,
Roisin

Author's Response: Hi!

Thank you so much for the wonderful review! :)

I have actually gotten similar comments about people enjoying it in Snape's perspective to see how he views the world differently than it views him. I would agree that considering I haven't touched this is probably around a year, I left out lots of description and more detail than I wanted to when I posted it for the challenge deadline it was incorporated with, and then never got around to editing back in.

Thanks for catching that dialogue bit; I have a tendency to be too American-trying-to-be-British sometimes and that is an effect of it :P

I will definitely go back and expand on this chapter once I get the next one, which is all about Tom Riddle, finished up and posted!

I'll definitely come back for another review sometime :)
~MadiMalfoy x


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Review #3, by lexiatel Severus Snape

8th June 2014:
I you have asked me to review your story :)

THIS WAS AWESOME! I am IN LOVE with this story. Please write more :) I (of course being a huge fan) loved Snape's, but Black's was just as good.

Thank you soo much for sharing.. 10 "stars" btw ;)

Author's Response: Thank you so much!! Snape was actually quite a challenge for me to write--I'm still not satisfied with everything I've got posted so I'll probably add/change some things this summer.

I'll let my partner in crime know you liked Sirius Black's chapter as well since she wrote that chapter!

Thanks again for the review! :)
~MadiMalfoy x


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Review #4, by Holly the Holiday Horklump Severus Snape

16th December 2013:
I love stories about Snape! I like looking into what other people think of him and what motivated him. He's so complicated that it's easy to look at him as a hero OR a villain, though I prefer to view him sympathetically.

I like how Albus is always the one to pull him back to realitythere is a great sense of respect and trust there, even if their relationship is complicated too. And I also like how you ended that section, with how Snape at least hoped that maybe he could like Harry, but he simply saw too much of James in him as well. He was probably blinded by it, in fact, and just couldn't see the Lily-like qualities Harry had.

Going through all the canon moments again makes me nostalgic. Snape was obsessed, no doubt, so it is always a little sad to see him die still the same, knowing that he was never able to find true happiness in life, and he embraces the afterlife so willingly.

It's a good first try! I would have loved to see more description around the canon moments and interaction with the other characters :)

Author's Response: Ahh you are too kind! :)

When I got the quote for the challenge I immediately thought of Snape! He's always been a character I've wanted to try writing, so this was the perfect opportunity for that! It depends on the book as to how I feel towards him, but I lean more sympathetically.

To me, his and Dumbledore's relationship was almost that of a father and son, simply because Snape didn't really have a father to look up to and Dumbledore is, of course, so wise and fantastically all-knowing. He knows how rough Snape has had it so he's always watching out for him and knows when to keep him from going/doing somewhere/thing he shouldn't do.

I tried to follow canon as closely as possible, but I didn't have quite enough time to fit in all the description I wanted to. I'll probably go back sometime and add some more in to give it more depth and have him interact with the other characters more as well. :)
~MadiMalfoy x


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Review #5, by Rumpelstiltskin Sirius Black

23rd October 2013:
Aww, so this was cute (and sad).

Sirius' characterization is spot on! I love it :).

I want to also mention that the scene at the end where Mrs. Potter tells Sirius "You're a Potter to me" was so touching! Aww...now I'm all teary-eyed and emotional! This was really very good! I enjoyed it a bunch!

-Rumpel

Author's Response: Aw, thank you! Mischief_managed18 (my coauthor who wrote this chapter), will love your compliments and I will be sure to pass them on to her! When she first sent it to me, I teared up a bit reading the end too! :)
~MadiMalfoy x


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Review #6, by Rumpelstiltskin Severus Snape

23rd October 2013:
Severus Snape is one of my absolute favorite characters. I am so happy to see what a wonderful job you have done concerning his characterization!

Not matter how many times I read about Severus' story, I cannot help but feeling my heart break a bit more for him each time. This is the first fanfiction that I have read in Severus' first-person point of view. Can I just tell you that this technique made your story even more heartbreaking?

You have done a brilliant job!

-Rumpel

Author's Response: Oh thank you very much! Your compliments warm my heart! I really wanted to make the point that he was truly heartbroken and distraught over Lily's death. I also really like writing in first person in general so it was jut another character for me to delve into and try to figure out. I'm glad it came across well, that makes me happy! :)
~MadiMalfoy :)


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Review #7, by rozen_maiden Severus Snape

2nd August 2013:
Hey MadiMalfoy, it is Mahalia from the forums with your requested review. And before I start, let me just say: Please do not give up on this. This is an incredible idea, and I am so curious to read how you will write the other characters in your summary. Your writing style is easy to read and descriptive at the same time. You have an excellent control of language, with the right amount of emotions in your writing to entice in your readers.
And Snape - my goodness, you got him spot on. And you brought tears to my eyes - which is another reason why I say you definitely should continue! I can't wait to see how your write Tom and Lucius in particular: all the characters mentioned in your summary grew to be exceptional wizards and characters in their own right, and after reading this chapter I can tell you're going to do a perfect job with their characterisation.
Anyway, I'm putting this story in my favourites. You did a wonderful job and I look forward to more :)
- Mahalia

Author's Response: *stares open-mouthed at my computer screen*

I merely request a review from you and you decide to put it in your favorites? Oh my gosh, wow!! Don't worry, I'm not going to give up on this! I've just got more pressing pieces to be written, stuff to beta, reviews to offer, and of course RL! As is in the summary, I am cowriting this with one of my friends, so you'll see a mix of writing styles eventually. My next character is Tom Riddle, and I've already got about 450 words written for him, and it's going to be a particularly long and dark dark dark chapter. I have an "excellent control of language?" You bring a smile to my face! AP Language & Composition helped me out a lot with refining my writing skills so I guess I can thank my teacher for that! I will definitely let you know when I have the next chapter up. :)
~MadiMalfoy x


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Review #8, by marauderfan Severus Snape

2nd August 2013:
Hello - here with your requested review from the forums!

First of all, well done on writing Snape. He is such a complex character and I think you did a really good job with his personality - particularly him pushing past James as he goes into the house, as he never cared about James at all. But I really like that Snape does recognise James's love for Lily, I thought that was really sweet. Despite that he hates James, he knows James loved Lily - ugh, I just love that whole paragraph. It's more sad than bitter, and Snape's thoughts of how all the grieving falls to him... I'm not being very articulate here, but I really love the way you've described Snape's feelings.

The way you hop between scenes felt a little choppy to me, but maybe you meant it that way? After all, this is Snape looking back after he is dead, and the memories in "The Prince's Tale" were kind of disjointed like that. But I think maybe to distinguish this from the way the memories are told in that DH chapter, you could work a bit on those transitions.

Also (maybe this is just nitpicky, but I thought I'd point it out) in the book Snape died in the Shrieking Shack. The boathouse was just in the film. Anyway, that's not really an error. I personally tend to go by the book version of events, but it works this way too!

Nice use of the quote by the way. TKAM is a great book and I love the way you incorporated that quote! It made for a really original perspective, being from the point of view of someone who has already died.

Overall, really well done on this story, it was a great read!!

Author's Response: I've gotten some mixed reviews on his characterization and I felt it was hard for me to get into his character so I'm glad you think I wrote him well. Sometimes people write him where he doesn't acknowledge the true love James/Lily had and blatantly disregards it, something I think is out of character, so I wanted them to know that Snape did know they loved each other and accepted it.

I meant to put in another scene between Voldemort's fall and Harry's first year, but couldn't really find any material or inspiration for that scene, so I didn't write it in. I also have just recently realized I never really put in the actual, like, age, Harry was supposed to be to help with the transitions so I'll eventually go back and fix that. I know that Snape died in the Shrieking Shack in the book and I usually stick to the books too but I had just recently watched DH part 2 again and so yeah...but I might change it to the SS just for canonical reasons.

When I got the quote I immediately knew I was going to use Snape. It just felt perfect to me. And, this is going to be a part of a short story collection with characters that have had rough childhoods or lives, so this quote and character worked well!

Thank you for the wonderful review, I will definitely be back to request for other things! :)
~MadiMalfoy x


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Review #9, by MC_HK Severus Snape

31st July 2013:
I think you've really got Snape down. It's lovely the way you've written him as such a tender person, but you have bits and pieces in there that still let, what some would refer to as classic Snape, personality shine through. Because this was so short, and you're putting bits and pieces of other scenarios together, it can seem a little disjointed. I still like it though, and I understand where you're going with it, so it's not much of an issue.

I would go through this as reread for grammar and structure issues. In the very beginning you have "... their lives, gone, I tried..." When it should be, " their lives, gone. I tried..." And the next two sentences after that should be fused in to one sentence.

Overall, good show! I really liked this, and it was a pleasure to read. MC_HK

Author's Response: I agree that it's a little bit disjointed in the fact that I think I forgot a scene in there that I meant to have that allowed for more continuity than what it currently has. I'm glad you think I have his characterization down well though, he was very hard for me to write!

This was written for a challenge and I really procrastinated on it and so my grammar and structure aren't the best and I haven't taken the time to go back over it, but I definitely will! Thank you for the wonderful review! :)
~MadiMalfoy x


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Review #10, by Siriusly89 Severus Snape

23rd June 2013:
Hi there! Siriusly89 from the To Kill A MockingbirdQuote Challenge.

First off, thank you so much for entering!

The first paragraph really sets the tone doesnt it? The piece where he just [ushes past James on the stairs was sort of, well morbid to me that he would just shove a dead body out of the way, but then its also very true to Snapes character as he despised James when he was alive so why would he go all soppy just because he was dead

I like how he acknowledged that James did love Lily as much as he did, and where it said that no one would grieve the way he did because James was gone too really struck me, I explained it really bad, but I think you get what I mean!

His little hope that Harry would be like Lily was sort of cute. Really though, Harry was a lot like Lily,m I just think that Snape couldnt get past number one his aooearance,m and then the certain traits he did get from James to see that, or maybe he did see them, but just couldnt stand the thought of being nice to someone who looked so much like James.

Your use of the quote was very good, and I think you picked the right character to portray it, so kudos to you! All in all it was a really well written one-shot and I really enjoyed it!

Siriusly89

Author's Response: From the moment I saw the challenge I knew I had to enter, and when I got my quote, I immediately knew exactly what I was going to write! It was harder than I expected to get into Snape's mindset, I think, because I've never really written grief and tragic stories before. It was definitely different than my usual dark, mysterious, and romantic stuff but it was a lot of fun!

Thanks for the review and the challenge! :) xx
~MadiMalfoy


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Review #11, by Mischief_managed18 Severus Snape

17th June 2013:
Gahhh. Yeah... still makes me tear up, and this is like the fourth time I've read it. As always, you're a fantastic writer. I absolutely love how you've shown Snape, I think it's absolutely brilliant. Keep it up!

Super excited to continue on with this story! :D

One thing, you put both versions of the Potter's house mangled remains. :P

Author's Response: Heh oops...thanks for noticing :3 I was so caught up in the emotion though, how could I pay attention to minor things like that? *going back to fix it right now* Your turn next for Sirius! :D Thanks for the unnecessary review too, coauthor you! :) xx
~MadiMalfoy who almost wrote Narcissa instead xD


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