3 Reviews Found

Review #1, by patronus_charm Act I Scene I

14th March 2013:
Hello there, I’m here with your requested review! I was so excited to read this, as it just sounded so unusual and wonderful!

You got a sense of how Terry was straight away, and I thought that was great. You could tell that he was sort of pushy and determined to do well by the way he discussed who he had previously interviewed, and how Barnabus Cuffe was his ex-boss. He just seemed to think that he owned the place, and that he was rather ambitious, and though those are usually annoying traits it suited him well, and it seemed to fit his job title. Though I hate people like Terry in real life I enjoyed reading him as it made him interesting, I can’t say I like his character, but I enjoy reading him as he’s just so interesting and complex.

I liked the interspersed sections as well, I’ve never seen that done before, and I was slightly apprehensive when I saw you a/n that they would disrupt from the flow, but I found that they wove in easily, and just merged into the story, and they didn’t stick out at all. It also showed the other side of Terry as the womaniser. I liked how the identity of the woman was a mystery at first, so it made you wonder whether it was Daphne, or someone completely different. They definitely weren’t jarring.

It was interesting to see Terry’s infatuation with Daphne, as I wouldn’t have thought he would be the one to admit that someone was better than him, and I liked that twist, as it showed what powerful feelings that he felt for her. I also liked it because in my mind he wouldn’t have hated her at Hogwarts, as I’m used to everyone hating Slytherins, so it was interesting to see the twist of him liking her then.

I liked the contrast of Terry and Barnabus’s thoughts. It was almost humorous to see how much they differed. I liked the normality of Barnabus’ as we got to learn more about the Prophet, which had always interested me, as it was such a muggle thing in a magical world. Then there were Terry’s rather, ahem, interesting thoughts. It suggested to me that even though he appeared ambitious he perhaps wasn’t as many people thought.

Ah the ending we still didn’t get to find out who the mystery woman was, hopefully it will be revealed in the next chapter. You asked if this was cliché, it is most definitely not cliché, I have never ever read anything like this, and I think it’s great to be able to find something new in fan fiction, and I can tell that this story is definitely going to be unique.

I honestly have no CC’s for you, I searched desperately, but I couldn’t find a single thing that could be improved as it was just so good!

An excellent start, and feel free to re-request!

-Kiana :D

Author's Response: Thank you so much! :) I have trouble writing Terry because I hate him, but I'm also fascinated by him. If that makes sense. I really wanted to write a character who wasn't misunderstood, wasn't ambiguous - just plain bad. I'm really excited to keep writing. :)

Thank you so much for responding so quickly, and for leaving such a lovely review!


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Review #2, by Elphaba and Boyfriends Act I Scene I

13th March 2013:
Hi, I'm here for the review battle!

I love the way you write, this chapter sucked me in immediately. This description of Barnabus especially tickled me: "...nodding his wizened old head, which looked a bit like a whitish-pink raisin covered in white fuzz."

I really don't have much in the way of criticism, other than to point out a couple of typos:

"'Why not?' says Terry, trailing her lips over her forehead.." I assume the first "her" should be "his."

and: "...just loudly enough for Teddy to hear." I assume it should be Terry.

During the steamy love scene, I noticed that you use this phrase twice: "His pulse is everywhere..." It definitely wouldn't make the scene any less steamy to get rid of one of the sentences where it's used. :)

Wow, Terry Boot is a jerk. I hope he'll get some sort of comeuppance at the hands of Daphne Greengrass in one of the later acts. :)

Author's Response: Hi! Thanks so much for stopping by! :) And thanks for pointing out those typos. The repetition is actually purposeful - sorry if that's annoying. I've been reading some Faulkner and it's inspired me to experiment with repetition.

Thanks for reviewing!


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Review #3, by Athene Goodstrength Act I Scene I

12th March 2013:
I'm becoming quite the fan of your writing. You seem to have many strings to your bow, as you seem to move effortlessly between genres and believable characters. This was yet another enjoyable story... I hope you're going to continue it - I want to see Terry get his comeuppance! You've promised us three acts!

I always think it's a great idea when somebody takes a minor character and gets to be all inventive with them, rather than creating an entirely OC story. We don't know much about Terry other than the fact that he's an intelligent, gifted wizard (which certainly comes across here in his arrogance!) and I find your depiction of him unexpected and interesting!

The way that we see this story through his eyes although he's not a very likeable character is a brave and very readable move on your part - a somewhat unsympathetic protagonist is part of some of the best stories, like The Great Gatsby, Gone With The Wind, even Atonement... so it was cool to come across something similar here!

You do a particularly good job of bringing out the worst in Terry not just in his thoughts and actions but in the juxtaposition of the two scenes - one, where an endearing old man is spouting praise for Terry and handing over his life's work as Terry admires his school crush, the other depicting Terry's utter disrespect for the same old man and his disdain for Daphne as soon as he has what he wants. Ooh, that was good though - the italicised parts seemed so romantic throughout, particularly next to his memories of her eyes and hair at school, that when he suddenly became all nasty I was shocked! I thought this was the start of a love story... It may still be, but it wasn't the start I thought I was reading! This line makes me wonder if he was getting some sort of revenge: "was she acting haughtier and more spiteful than usual?" Intriguing!

His sense of humour appears to be so warped, I wonder what's happened to him. Is he just bored, or does he get a kick out of using and embarrassing people? Barnabus seems to have found Terry's tenaciousness very useful over the years, so why does he not see that Terry's clearly manipulated everyone, including him? It makes me wonder how much of Terry's two-facedness (it's a word!) is intentional and how much just comes naturally to him. He certainly doesn't think twice about dividing people into important/not-important. I thought for a minute that he might have been better off in Slytherin, he's so decisive and cut-throat. But then I thought, perhaps he's just too clever for his own good... the arrogance that could come from such intelligence made me think of a line in the books where he's talking to Hermione and says "How come you're not in Ravenclaw? With brains like yours?". There's a certain presumptuousness there that you've depicted here too! Gosh, you've really interested me in this guy!

Your writing style is really enjoyable to read. The dialogue is well-balanced and realistic, and your descriptive writing is excellent - you don't overdo it, but you don't leave it out altogether. The italicised bits are very well-written too, with a very heady atmosphere and a noticeable shift in your characterisation of Terry. I want Daphne to get her own back.

Finally, I really enjoyed the details that rooted this story in the world we know. Cuffe's diplomatic regret over The Prophet's behaviour during the war feels realistic and is a great juicy behind-the-scenes tidbit. The school fascination with Daphne's hair and eyes is another lovely touch, perfectly underlined with the mention of Padma who -with only a brief mention- reminds me of her twin. That gossipy sort of nature. I enjoyed that, although it made me miss Hogwarts! It was cool to have a glimpse into Ravenclaw life.

I honestly have no CC for you. Even without the note at the beginning, I'd have been able to follow the format, and I spotted no spelling or grammar errors. Sorry for the burbly review!

Athene xo

Author's Response: Your reviews are so wonderful!! You keep making my day!

My favorite stories usually involve minor characters who are brought to life, so I thought I'd try my hand at it. It was actually a very difficult chapter for me to write, because I hate people like Terry. But I suppose that'll make it even more fun when I get to give him his, as you put it, comeuppance.

Thank you so much for the feedback! It means a lot! :)
Faux


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