Hello, I'm here for the review swap!
I think you've got the perfect balance in Sirius's character. He's not the full-on playboy that he can be made out to be on occasion, but he's definitely got that love-em-and-leave-em vibe going on, in that he can't really find a girl that satisfies him. And then he meets Lydia, and falls for her because she said "no." I think that actually works really well, because, with James and Sirius being such similar characters, it makes a lot of sense that they're both drawn to women who initially reject them and see past their charm and good looks.
Poor Lydia. That's a lot to handle in one sitting. I do really like the way you handled that though. It was all a little rushed, which probably sounds like a bad thing, but I promise, it isn't. The speeding up of that section (maybe that was in my head, maybe it wasn't) actually helped convey Sirius's nervousness and his desire to get it all out in the open before Lydia had the chance to run away screaming. I also like that she didn't immediately embrace the idea of Sirius being a wizard, because, in reality, what normal person would be completely accepting of someone who waltzed in and proved everything you believed to be untrue?
I love that Sirius told Lydia he was a magician, along with the flashback that accompanied it. It seems like something that a wizard might use as a lie, because then it really does explain a lot of the weird things they can do (well, some of them at least).
The banter between Sirius and James is great too, because it definitely shows that they've grown up a little since their Hogwarts days, but at the same time, they're still the same crazy kids on the inside too.
On a completely random note, I love how you paired Sirius with a Muggle. I feel like that's really rare in fanfiction, but it seems plausible at the same time, given his appreciation for Muggle things, like his motorcycle, for example. :)
I like how you alternated between points-of-view in this story, but did so without having to expressly point it out. Instead, the changes came naturally and it flowed really well. Third-person omniscient can be a hard point-of-view to master, but you did an excellent job with it here.
As a little CC, isn't "revoir" supposed to be "reverie"?
A cliffhanger! I think I know what's going to happen, but at the same time, I really don't want to know. I guess I'll find out soon enough though!
Overall, this was a brilliant first chapter, and I love how you already got the plot going in the very beginning!
-ShadowRose (Taylor) Report Review
So much amazing in this chapter; let me explain before I start this review that I have to begin every sentence with adverb so that's why it's going to sound so odd. Always love a Sirius story, but you've one and broken my heart with this one :(. After Lydia was killed, I wasn't sure where you would go from there, but of course you had to continue to twist the knife you plunged into my heart.
While Sirius was remembering the movie/photobooth date, it was easy to hope somehow she pulled through, though we knew that wouldn't be the case. Because of her and Sirius's involvement, it's easy to see how he'd blame himself, but I'm so happy James is there to remind him that it wasn't his fault and he only hurts so much because he cared :(. Intentionally murdering is obviously Bellatrix's forte, but to show how much she destroyed Sirius with this just breaks my heart :(.
Sometimes we forget that these people all had lives; they had families, love interests, so many things besides the order. Now, to watch Sirius lose something amazing he'd found is just a terrible way to make it clear that the war really did take nearly everything from him. Then when you tied all this into the Secret Keeper, that was so creative! Seldom do authors give a reason for the switch other than he thought it would be a better idea, but this back story is really, really a great thing (though heart breaking) to give the canon moment a new back story.
While I was reading it, I noticed a few things like, "He continued with a look of pure glee on his face as he continued to ramble enthusiastically" that could be cleaned up a bit. Because you already say continued in this sentence, you could so something like, "He continued with a look of pure glee on his face as he rambled on enthusiastically." So that would sort of tighten up the sentence, but that's nothing big obviously and this entire story was really lovely, Lauren.
Finally, I want to say how excited I am for you; you completed your first chartered fic and it was such an incredible one that really showed off how much you're improving as an author ♥ Report Review
I really, really adored your start to this chapter. I think that after being told something as huge as Lydia was, you wouldn't be able but help question everything else you knew. We know the probability of another wizard walking into the perfume shop is pretty rare, but that doesn't mean she does. She has no idea how many magical people are out there, and you'd be half tempted to give everyone the third degree to see if they're who they say they really are.
I was happy with Lydia's choice, though. It's not like being magical makes Sirius any different... well.. it does make him a lot cooler :P. But I think she absolutely made the right call. I love that you had her really weighing her options and thinking it out, though.
Sirius's thoughts about James were really sweet. I'm sure every man goes through that time when it clicks, and they realize just why one of their friends acts like a lovesick puppy... because they'll eventually be in that position too :P. And now that Sirius is, it's really cute. I also liked that he made a mental note not to let James know just how love sick he is :P Very many, Sirius. Good choice.
Okay, this is where things get a little off for me. I still really love all the rest of the actual story you have, like the context. I think the flashback is really well written, and I think the Bellatrix scene is not only well written but incredibly creepy, which it should be. But I think that you sort of rushed us here too fast. Not specifically within the sections, but it almost felt like you needed another chapter before this.
If editing this was something you'd want to do, my suggestion would be to start the chapter the same. Only you can actually show us the conversation between Lydia and Sirius in present day as opposed to flashback. But instead of it being through the mirror, she could use the mirror to call him and then he'd come to the perfume shop where they could set their date for that evening. After he leaves, a few minutes after, you could have Bellatrix enter and sort of shop for perfume/ask her a few sly questions. What that would do for the reader is make it clear that Sirius and Lydia are still strong and that they're both expecting to see the other that night. Then, when Bellatrix enters, we'll realize that she was either tailing Sirius or spying on him in some way. Whether it's been happening for weeks or days, it doesn't really matter because at least we'll understand she's after hurting him in some way. Then, when Sirius enters her house and it's quiet and eerie, the reader will already have a terrifying idea of what may have happened, and it won't seem like such a jolt to have Bellatrix be there. Surprise is good of course, but building up the anticipation to that surprise is sort of what ties it all together.
Obviously that's 100% opinion suggestions. You're actual writing in this, your grammar, your descriptions, were all really well done and pulled me in from the start.
I'm looking forward to reading the next chapter, m'dear! ♥Author's Response: Jami - the amount of time it has taken for me to respond to this review is terrible and I'm really really sorry!
I'm so glad you liked how Lydia ended up making her mind up about Sirus and what her decision was! I tried to think how you would actually act if we hadn't read Harry Potter and secretly wished magic was real and I think questioning everything was the only logical way to go forward in my head. I'm glad you thought it was good. She also had to pick to be with Sirius - I mean, who wouldn't?
I totally see where you're coming from and I really agree with all your points. I have now updated this chapter and included some of these suggestions - I hope you think the new chapter works better. I feel it does although I'm not 100% satisfied with it yet. Thank you so much for the help - I really appreciate it!
Thanks so much for this review Jami - it's been really helpful and I really appreciate it!
Lauren :) Report Review
Hi! Siriusly89 here with your rather late requested review,
I really liked this intro! Usually the first chapter is basically telling readers who the main character is, and giving us a bit of background, but in this you've managed to do that, but also managed to get the plot rolling, and I am very interested to see where this goes!
Lydia seems like a sweetheart, and I like how every time Sirius came back to her, he seemed to get a little bit older, a little bit more tired looking, and altogether a lettile bit more downcast in his personality.
You still included some humorous banter between Sirius and James, and that I thank you for, as their banter is one of my favourite things to read!
I do hope Lydia gets a chance to meet Harry in the future, before well, Voldemort comes, James and Lily die and Sirius gets sent to Azkaban!
Please feel free to re-request, you know where I am :)
10/10Author's Response: Hi!
Thank you so much for doing this review and I want to apolagise for the amount of time it has taken me to respond.
I'm so happy you've taken to Lydia! I was so nervous with the OC! I also had to include the Sirius/James banter, it's one of my favourite things to read too!!
If you ever do read anymore - please don't hate me!!
Thanks so much for the amazing review, I appreciate it :)
Lauren :) Report Review
Hey! Thanks for re-requesting.
I really loved the first chapter of this story, so I was looking forward to reading this one...and I wasn't disappointed. Everything seemed spot on-your characterizations, the plot, everything. But I'll take it one at a time.
The fact that Sirius' revelation made Lydia question everything makes a lot of sense. If I found out there really were witches and wizards in the world, I'd immediately start wondering what else was out there that I didn't know about. I also liked how you managed to add a little bit more backstory about their relationship-specifically the photo booth photos. The thought of Sirius poking at them, obviously to see if they would move like wizard photos, was very cute.
Sirius was also great in this chapter-his personality is shining through and it's so cute how he seems to be changing for Lydia. I really liked how he picked flowers for her, as a spur of the moment sort of thing, and then how he mentally told himself he was going soft. That seemed very in character.
Oooh, I was instantly creeped out and terrified when Sirius walked into Lydia's house. I knew something had gone badly wrong-you build up tension and suspense really wrong. And when Sirius so Lydia like that on the bed...scary. However, the moment you mentioned the writing on her arm, I had a feeling Bellatrix was around somewhere.and I was right!
You wrote that little fight scene really well, I think. Your depiction of Bellatrix was great-I liked how you added in her sing song, baby sort of voice because, for me, that is a defining point of Bellatrix. I think the reason this scene was so good was because you were able to work so many emotions into it, as well-specifically Sirius' fear and love for Lydia.
Cliffhanger! I can't wait to find out what's happened to Lydia. I really hope she's not dead.
Courtney:)Author's Response: Hi Courtney!
Thank you so much for reviewing once again and I am so so sorry for how long this has taken to respond too.
I'm so glad you liked how Lydia ended up making her mind up about Sirus! It was the only way I could imagine doing it. I tried to think how you would actually act if we hadn't read Harry Potter and secretly wished magic was real and I think questioning everything was the only logical way to go forward in my head. I'm glad you thought it was good. I'm glad you picked up on the photobooth thing - that comes into it later on!!
I was so nervous both writing Bellatrix and the fight scene so the fact you seem to think it's gone well just makes me so happy to read!! I have actually changed the chapter slightly now but I hope it's improved it rather than taken away.
I hope you're not too upset by the last chapter if you ever read it :)
Thanks again for a lovely review!!
Lauren :) Report Review
Hello Lauren! Iím here with your review, and Iím slightly worried due to the warning about gruesome ideas!
Oh yeah Iíll mention my prediction from last time now, so I can see whether itís proved correct or not! I wondered whether it was because James and Lily had died, but Iím kind of doubting this now, as it seems too soon for that to be happening.
I know itís mean, but I found it funny how Siriusís revelation to Lydia made her question everything around her. I guess it would be the only natural reaction, when youíre given such monumental news, so I think it was accurate, and it gave me something to laugh about!
She does seem to have some genuine feelings for Sirius though, and you can tell by the fact that heís making her doubt her whole reality, and is making her wonder what future she should have. I loved the mention about them getting a photo in a booth together, it just seemed so normal, yet cute and romantic, and it contrasted nicely with the situation she was in know, where itís fraught and angst ridden.
I wondered what had happened with the mirror when she had called into it, and I was glad that I found it. I liked how you showed what happened through Siriusís POV and a flashback, as it made a change from the story, and made it more interesting. The flashback was also well done, and you were eased into it. It was really cute how he had left her one, as he didnít know how to use a telephone, but I think a magic mirror is much cooler than a phone.
PLOT TWIST! I was not expecting that, but I really loved it, as it made you realise how there world was so dangerous, and you really couldnít expect anything. Bellatrix is seriously weird though, I mean carving words into people should not be a habit, as itís just weird. I really liked her characterisation and you definitely got the sociopath down well ;D
Bellatrix seemed really realistic in this story, which is great as she often appears to be so out of character. I felt really sorry for Sirius and Lydia, as you described the effects of the cruciatus curse so well, you could really imagine the pain they were going through.
Another cliff-hanger! You do love them, donít you? I canít wait to find out whether Lydia is ok or not, as I do hope she is.
The only CC I have is perhaps add some backstory as to how Bellatrix found out about Lydia. It will just help explain the situation a little more. Though it may feature in the next chapter for all I know! Other than that it was a great chapter :D
-Kiana!Author's Response: Hi Kiana!
I'm so so sorry for how long this review has taken to reply to! I really appreciate you doing this though!
Yes - this is set before Lily and James dying *sob*. This is around the time that Sirius/Peter are doing the secret keeper thing :)
I don't mind that you found Lydia's revelation funny! I am really glad that you found it accurate though. It was the only logical way in my head for her to proceed. If this had happened to me, and I hadn't read HP ;), it's how I would have reacted I think. After freaking out and pinching myself a gazillion times.
I'm glad you picked up on the photobooth!! Keep that in mind! It comes up again later :)
Thank you so much for saying I have Bellatrix's sociopath side well. That bit was kind of inspired from the movies :) She is one crazy lady though. It terrified me to write her!
Haha sorry about another cliff hanger. I didn't mean it, honest! Thank you for the CC, you are totally right and I have added some more into the chapter - I hope you like what I've added!!
Thanks again for an amazing review! It's really appreciated!!
Lauren :) Report Review
Hello there! Of course I will read your story. It's the least I can do, after you've left me so many wonderful and helpful reviews :3
I like that your OC owns a shop, and that she wants to know who her competition is. Very realistic. And also a way that she could learn about the magical world... I want to see what happens! I did think it was weird, though, that James said he couldn't you-know-what because Lily was pregnant. I don't feel like that's how it usually goes... I mean what guy would just wait around for nine months, you know? I'm going to drop this before it goes over 12+, but maybe consider removing that bit? I think you did it to let us know that Lily's pregnant, but you're clever enough to find another way :3
I like that your James is nice. I know he was a bit of a jerk in school, but he grew out of it! It's a refreshing read--I always thought that Sirius was more of the joking, sarcastic type anyway. Your characterizations are great, and I love the first interaction with Lydia when she says they have strange names.
GAH! THANK YOU. For having Lydia decline the date with grace and reason. She didn't scream, call him a git, slap him or anything. And Sirius didn't seem too crazily out of line either; he was being just cocky enough for it to seem completely believable.
I like that Sirius came back looking haggard; we can guess what happened. Where was it though, that it was nighttime? And did you mean "reverie" instead of "revoir?"
Another thing I would suggest is breaking this up into two chapters. This one is almost 2000 words longer than chapter two; "He took a deep breath" would be a good, cliff-hanger-y place to end this one. There's just a lot of information and story-telling, with little dialogue other than in flashbacks, so this would do well to be split up :3
I love the "Abracadabra" scene, and how he told her he was a magician. Not technically a lie, right? And the scene where he reveals that he's a wizard is really believable, especially her imagined version of Lily.
I really think breaking this up into two chapters would be good. It's moving very fast; within the first chapter they meet, get to know each other, and he reveals a huge portion of himself. I know that time has passed within the story, but it feels rushed because it's presented to us all in the first go.
Other than that, great work! I like your OC and would like to know more about her.Author's Response: Hello!
Thank you so much for leaving a review and so sorry for how long the response has taken - RL grr.
Haha I see what you mean. It wasn't that he couldn't - he just said it was weird. Having never been pregnant I'm no expert but when I wrote that bit I had in my head a very pregnant, ready-to-pop, aching and uncomfortable Lily that probably didn't want to - er - you know. Perhaps weird was the wrong word. I'll reconsider - thanks for the advice!
I always prefer reading and writing James like this. I know he was a jerk but mature James is so much better in my opinion anyway! I'm so happy you thought the characterisations were good!
Yeah Lydia needed to reject him. Sirius was being way too cocky there. Im not big on the screaming shouting either so yeah - I couldn't write it that way! Glad you approve!
I'm not sure which but you mean about the nighttime - I'll have to check that! I did thank you! Whoops!
Thanks again for the advice about splitting it up - I had considered this before so I will definitely consider it again!
Haha exactly! It wasn't exactly a lie and anyway - there was no other Muggle job that Sirius could have pretended to do!
Thanks so much for the great review and CC - I appreciate it :)
Lauren Report Review
I'm so happy you requested a review since I love a good Sirius/OC story and this is a really good first chapter.
I liked how you took us through flashbacks to their past and how they met and what happened. Lydia seems to be a pretty strong character from the start and I think she'll evolve really nice in the next chapters. I would've had a heart attack if somebody turned into a dog in front of me!
I also like the little cliffhanger you left us at the end, with the emergency and the man Sirius saw.
The story has a nice flow to it, you don't "suffocate" us with information, you just kind of let it sink in one thing at a time, giving us time to know and like this character as we go along!
I'm really excited to see where you take this story! Good job!
RalAuthor's Response: Hello!
Sorry for how long this response has taken! RL grr. Thank you for such a lovely review though!
I love Sirius too haha! He's just great fun!
Haha yeah - I wasn't sure if Lydia's reaction was sufficient. I don't even know how I'd react! Oh I'm so happy you like Lydia though! I can breath a huge sigh of relief. I'm also glad it was a good cliffhanger.
Thanks so much again for the review!
Lauren :) Report Review
Hey there, lovely, its Gabbie with your requested review and I'm really glad to be reading this. I usually don't see stories with Sirius being older meeting a Muggle girl of all things so this was a great change. :)
To start this chapter off on such an intimate level really, as I was blushing and such, set up the rest of this very well. There was a hint of vulnerability in this scene with Lydia and Sirius that I really liked, especially when it was obvious there was a bit of tension between them. Just a slight thing of course but as you went into Lydia's flashback and honestly, I love those, I could really understand why. The Sirius and James you've portrayed here are the same from the books or how I'd imagine them but I liked the level of maturity you showed. They're not boys, they're silly grown men and Lydia's observation of how "worn out" they appeared when she saw them again really showed that they were doing things she couldn't understand. It really brought to mind the difference with what was happening in the Wizarding world at the time.
Anyway, she's got some spunk, I really love her so far. I'm also glad that she wasn't fawning and swooning over Sirius, especially how he asked her out, he was sort of full of himself, wasn't he? I think tossing him into reality with rejection was the good thing to do and I'm glad that you did. Sirius surprised me after a while, genuinely asking her on a real date instead of just being arrogant enough to assume it was just going to happen.
Their interactiosn were realistic, slightly awkward but sweet too. I really loved that you showed different POVs for this story and was glad to get into Sirius's head and his growing feelings. There was alot of depth to him in that moment and when he finally told Lydia his secret? Great writing, I think her reaction was great! Shes' got more control than me though, I would have passed out or thrown something at him. Hahhaa. But the last straw was the change into a dog! Hahaha. Sirius was pushing it but Lydia wants to see him after that, huh? I wonder how that's going to go and it touched me alot when he was thinking about starting a family.
But that ending! Uhm, what?! I must know more and have more! It brought back the seriousness (Ha, see that?) of what was going on in Sirius's life at the time. I can't wait for the next chapter! ;)
As for CC's, there was nothing bad about your characters or anything like that. A quick proof read can get rid of some grammar things but otherwise, this is gold. :D
GabbieAuthor's Response: Hello Gabbie!
Thank you so much for this lovely review! Apologies for the lateness of the response - RL's annoying.
I'm glad this was a bit different from previous stories you've read. I'm happy the flashbacks worked too as I was worried!
Yeah - I don't know why but I felt this was the best way to start. I needed Lydia and Sirius to be in this position.
James and Sirius were the best bits and easiest bit to write by far. They're just so much fun! I'm glad you like what I did with them anyway - I love them so much I wouldn't want to do them an injustice.
I'm so happy you've taken to Lydia! Yay! It's a worry with an OC. It was important to me that she turned Sirius down too - he was rather arrogant wasn't he?
Again - so happy and relieved you thought Lydia's reaction was good. It was so hard to decide which way to go for her but I'm happy with how it turned out.
Thanks again for an amazing review! It's much appreciated! I'll be re-requesting as soon as you have space free!
Lauren :) Report Review
Hey there! Thanks so much for requesting a review.
I have to admit, I wasn't sure what to expect when I started reading this, but the first chapter was amazing, and really packed a punch! I am already hooked, and eager to keep reading...you are definitely going to have to re-request:)
The style and flow of this chapter was perfect. I liked the way you incorporated the flashbacks in this chapter, without making the flow disjointed and awkward to read. And I LOVE the backstory of Lydia and Sirius-love the fact that Lydia works at a Mugge beauty shop, love the fact that that's where she met Sirius, love the fact that she said no when Sirius first asked her out...I really just love everything about this story so far, to be honest.
Lydia's character is awesome, and I love the way she contrasts with Sirius. They make a very cute couple, and I'm so glad Sirius told her about being a wizard, admittedly in a very roundabout way. And Lydia's reaction was absolutely perfect-I thought it was very funny how she didn't think being a magician was very manly.
James and Sirius together were perfect! I actually started feeling a little sad, realizing that they didn't have much time left together. And I liked the little details you added, especially about Harry and how Sirius doted on him. This line was great: ''Well, I'm just thinking of it like this: I'm giving you and Lily some practice for when mini-Potter comes along. I mean imagine if he has your stubbornness, arrogance and pranking streak together with Lily's bad temper! You two don't stand a chance!'
Oooh, that cliffhanger at the end was brilliant! So many possibilities are flying through my head right now about what is going to happen...or has already happened. I can't wait to find out more.
Great first chapter.
Courtney:)Author's Response: Hello!
Thank you so much for stopping by! Apolagies for the lateness of this response. I'm glad you enjoyed the chapter and I'll definitely re-request :)
Gah - I'm so happy you liked it and thought the flow and characterisations were good. I've been really worried about this so it means a lot!
I thought it was funny when she thought Sirius wasn't very manly so I'm glad you did too! I imagine Sirius would get pretty offended. James and Sirius are so much fun to write - the first flashback of them was actually the first bit I wrote so I'm glad you liked it.
I'd love to know your thoughts on where the chapters going to go - I love trying to guess endings so I'd love to hear your theories!
Thanks so much for reviewing - I really appreciate it!
Lauren :) Report Review
Hi Lauren! Iím here with your requested review!
I really liked how you started off the story with them being together, as thatís rather unusual for romance story, but I rather liked it as it meant we didnít have to through all the does he/she like me, as that can get rather tedious at times, and especially as this is a short story, itís best to start with the action, and then develop later, due to the shorter length, you need to grab the readers right away, which you did!
I thought the flashback was well, and it was a sudden shock to the reader, which flashbacks often can be. I thought it was interesting that you made her a muggle, as in all the Sirius/OC stories which Iíve read (thatís probably +100!) heís always been with a witch. This was a nice change though, as it will add some new dynamics to their relationship. Also the fact that they met in a beauty shop made me laugh, as though Sirius is vain, you would have never thought he would end up in one of them. I guess he was just doing a good deed for James though!
I liked your characterisation of Sirius, and it seemed spot on. I think one of the best parts was him obviously thinking that Lydia would say yes to him, when he asked her out on a date. Then for him to be rejected! That made me laugh, he needs to be rejected, someone who has such a big ego, deserves to be knocked down a peg or two. I also liked it as it showed that Lydia had a rather independent streak, and she seemed quite confident in turning him down. I mean if Sirius asked me out, I would leap at the chance! Then for him to come in every day and continually ask her out, that made me laugh as well, as it seemed like just the sort of thing he would do.
It was good that you made Sirius more mature in this story, as he would have aged considerably since leaving Hogwarts. With all the Order missions, and the threat of the death eaters, and the prophecy it was no wonder he was getting older. Therefore, it makes sense that he wants to settle down, and share more than Ďhis other wandí ;D It was nice that it wasnít his stereotypical sort of girlfriend, as it again shows how heís maturing.
I liked Lydiaís bemusement at the fact that Sirius was a wizard, as I was a little worried that you were going to go down the screaming and shouting route, so I was glad to find that wasnít the case. One suggestion is perhaps include some of her thoughts before she asks what he can do, as it seemed a little rushed there, and it would be nice to know what her exact thoughts were.
And you left it on a cliff-hanger! I have many possibilities in my head, as to what could have happened, so itís exciting to see whether my predictions will be correct or not!
I thought this was a great start, and the plot is good so far, and it flows well. Of course it keeps my interest when you leave it on a cliff-hanger like that! Any cliff-hanger keeps my interest :)
-Kiana :DAuthor's Response: Hello!
Thanks for stopping by and apologies for the late response!
Haha, yes, I got straight in there. This isn't a long beat about the bush story at all, it's not it's purpose. I just hope that I develop the characters enough!
I'm so happy you thought Sirius' character was good. Phew - I was really worried about it! I couldn't have Lydia say yes to him straight away - he was being awfully cocky and I didn't like it so it's good to hear you thought it was good! this is also what made Sirius want to settle down a bit - the fact Lydia is so different.
Again I'm so happy to read you think I got her reaction right. I'm not very good at screaming and shouting and I get a bit bored reading it to be honest so I felt this worked better. Thanks for the CC - I will look into that as you're definitely right.
Ooh, I'd love to hear your predictions! I love trying to guess stories too when I read them so I'd love to hear your theories!
Thank you so much for a lovely review! I really appreciate it!
Lauren :) Report Review
Hello there! I'm here with your review. I'll just jump right in.
I think Sirius'scharacter was spot on in this chapter, he was playful, cocky, and sincere. You showed his love for James and his family. James was his best friend and Harry was the nephew he would never have. I love when James and Sirius were in the shop and Sirius was giving James crap about Lily and expectations. This was perfect and totally believeable from Sirius. Toward's the end I could really see Sirius's character shining through when he is talking about "love'em and leave'em" but he had fallen for Lydia. Aww, the ending when Sirius is picturing a future with Lydia and her hold "his baby". That was sweet and had me really rooting for them as a couple.
I was laughing out loud when Sirius first told Lydia that he was a magician and she insulted his "manliness".
I love Lydia and I really hope she takes Sirius's confess in a good way. Though I understand her reaction. It would be confussing and scary to see someone change into dog and know that they can do awesome and powerful things with a flick of the wrist. I think her becoming withdrawn from Sirius would be a normal reaction to try and become acquainted with the idea of magic. I think what was shocking more was that there are more than just a few witches and wizards in the world. I think Lydia's reaction was great for the situation.
The plot was good. I could see the development in this first chapter and I'm truly intrigued to see where you take this story. The last bit really grabbed me as a reader and I'm wishing for more so I can know what happened. The flow was good and the balance of present and past was good.
Until next time...
Megthechef43 aka MegAuthor's Response: Hello!
Thanks for stopping by and apologies for the late response!
I'm so glad you thought Sirius' character was good. Phew - I was really worried about it! The bit with James at the beginning was my favourite bit to write so it's good to hear you thought it was good!
Sirius told her he was a magician as I couldn't think of any other job Sirius might tell her he did. It fit to me though so I'm so happy you think so too!
Again I'm so happy to read you think I got her reaction right. I was torn between a few reactions but I felt this one worked the best.
Thank you so much for a lovely review! I really appreciate it!
Lauren :) Report Review
Okay, I may have mentioned that, as a rule, I try super hard to avoid Marauders stories while writing mine. But obviously I couldn't resist checking out your new FF baby!
This kind of stuff makes me so insanely sad. Imagining the life the Marauders could have had, and should have. Imagining Sirius falling in love with a spunky brunette and realizing that he didn't want to let her go. All the memories these friends should have made together. Ugh :(
I think you did so awesome with the banter between James and Sirius. The 'friend' moments of the marauders are my favorite, so having the memory of how she'd first met Sirius with him and James perfume shopping for Lily was so, so sweet. I loved that Sirius was as flirty as ever, but that, after a long while, the fact that he really did just want to get to know Lydia came out and she agreed to go on a date with them.
I think you chose a really awesome moment to have him tell her the truth, too. Playing back into their first date (I can't believe he'd pretending he was a magician. HAHA) was such a good technique. It gave her something to base his claim on.
I also loved how clear you made it that, when he started talking about it all, he just got so excited. And he even managed a jab in at his mom! Perfect!
This was such a sweet start. You painted pictures really well with your descriptions, and I didn't notice any typos.
This is awesome start, Lauren! Congratulations on your new short story fan fiction baby :P!Author's Response: Hello!
Gah - so sorry this has taken so long. I've got so behind on reviews and responses.
I'm honoured haha! I understand it must be hard for you - if it makes you feel any better this is only going to be a VERY short story though, although you might not like me very much by then end.
Oh, I know. I'm totally with you there. Anything Marauders makes me sad as I know any shread of happiness any of them have won't last. It's awful and I kind of felt mean writing it.
The James and Sirius bit was actually the first bit I wrote and the easiest actually. I really had fun with that. I was worried I was going to get to cliche with Sirius but I'm glad you didn't think so.
Again the magician thing was something for me to have fun with and I really did. I'd like to think it was something I'd do if I was a witch. I couldn't really imagine Sirius saying any other Muggle job either though. I'm really glad you liked it!
Oh - I'm really happy you enjoyed this though! Thank you so much for coming and reviewing, it really put a huge smile on my face!
Lauren :) Report Review
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