4 Reviews Found

Review #1, by ChaosWednesday The Foolish Knight

8th April 2013:
Hey there, it's Whiskey from the forums!

Ah, this was great! Cadogan was an interesting choice, and I was happy to find that you still managed to keep Merlin as the main character.

I enjoyed the tone you chose, which is very much in tune with the challenge of writing a bedtime story - simple and fast-paced, yet properly symbolic when necessary. The structure was great, with increasingly difficult adventures that challenge more and more of Cadogan's abilities and morals.

Your choice of words kept a light feel to the narrative while avoiding sounding too modern. You were mostly consistent with this, which was great, but there were a few slip ups with the use of expressions such as "kicked out","payment", "kidnapped" and a few others. They do stand out, so I'd advise you to go over the text again sometime. And there were a few typos here and there that you might want to fix. Otherwize, in terms of style and narrative, I'd say you did a wonderful job!

The story really did have everything that constitutes a fairytale - a hero's path to greatness (symbolized by his acquiring bits and pieces of armour on his way), a magical sidekick, damsels in distress, magical adventures, evil barbaric clans (goblins) and a happy ending. The one thing that I found was slightly missing was a moral - I get it that the story wraps up with Cadogan finally pulling off his own task without much help from Merlin, but it wasn't exactly what I would call a karma twist. Most fairytales tend to conclude with something from the beginning coming back in a new form and laying out the plot in an unusual way. Maybe you could have Merlin discover something new about Cadogan (except that he can kill giants) or about himself, or about Camelot. It could be as simple as him understanding why Cadogan was in Gryffindor and what the benefit of bravery really is...you know, something to switch the tables in their established relationship of teacher and student. It could be something as simple as Merlin's tactic failing on the giants, so he realizes that he is not a fighter, while Cadogan is.
Otherwize, merlin seems really just too all-powerful and it is unclear what his narrative role in the story is except to be grouchy and to constantly help Cadogan not get killed (btw, my favourite task was the first one with the magic lake and the knight being eaten by a fish :3 Although the terrified baby dragon was pretty neat as well). So, unless you were trying to imply that Merlin orchestrated all of this (in which case you would need many, many more hints to make that clear), it would not be abad idea to give Merlin a character arch as well.

So apart from the end coming a bit abruptly and not feeling as wrapped up as one would expect from a fairytale, this was a really engaging read! Characterization, description, tone - all that was all perfect.

Thanks for entering the challenge!

Author's Response: Thanks for having such a great challenge! This was truly a challenge for me, but soo much fun! I felt like I was really stepping out of my comfort zone.

I definitely see what you mean about the "modern" language slip-ups. Hopefully when things calm down a bit for me, I can go back in and edit and fix some things.

I completely forgot about the moral! Maybe I'll try to think of one for when I update it!

Thanks for the review and thanks for the great challenge!


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Review #2, by Lululuna The Foolish Knight

25th March 2013:
This is just great!!! Cadogan pretty much acts just as the original Arthurian knights did: always running off to help damsels who will be their downfall, and getting side tracked on their quests. Silly knights :P The giant brothers killing each other off also reminded me of Balin and Balan.

I absolutely love the clever references to HP: like the goblins training a dragon to guard their treasure, and Cadogan being a typical impulsive Gryffindor, and parchment cuts.

I loved Sir Cadogan and his craziness in the HP books, and it was great getting to know him a little better. Also, Merlin as a long suffering master to his wild apprentice is hilarious! Awesome story!!! :)

Author's Response: Aww thanks!! This was soo much fun to write, but definitely quite the challenge to write. I had some difficulties trying to make it relate to the HP world that we all know and love so I'm glad to see that it worked with you!

Thanks so much for the read & review!
Laura


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Review #3, by megthechef43 The Foolish Knight

5th March 2013:
HollyStone73,

This was great. I like how you explained the story and used Merlin. I think this could make a great short story or even a novella because there is so much more you could do with this. Each section could be embellished and turned into a chapter. I would have loved to see how Merlin got the dragon.

Great job either way with creativity!

Megthechef43 aka Meg

Author's Response: Oh dear...I think I would need a lot more thinking to try to draw this out some more! LOL! But I will definitely keep my brain tuned for some more mini adventures that I could add!! Glad you liked it! Thanks a bunch!

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Review #4, by Celtic_Dreamer7 The Foolish Knight

3rd March 2013:
This was brilliant. Is it wrong that I imagined Merlin to be the cartoon Disney version throughout reading this? I caught a few left off punctuation marks and a few misspelled words. One run on sentence I would like to point out - "As he gathered the rest of his herbs and began to head back to his humble home he was again thankful that he had opted to build his house with stones and mortar rather than sticks and trees since he was certain that a timber home most certainly would not have survived these short six months since he had agreed to take on an apprentice." This would have sounded a little better and would have been easier to read if it had been broken into two pieces.

All in all a great piece, I really enjoyed it. The flow was great and it read like a true ancient story you would read in a book. This is definitely one I wish had a sequel. I like each of the "mini" adventures he had. Very fun to read and I enjoyed it immensely.

~Celtic~

Author's Response: Ha Ha!! I totally was thinking Disney Merlin too!! I'm glad someone else picked that up!! Hee Hee!!

Thanks for pointing out the punctuation thing. Sometimes my fingers just seem to move faster than my brain when I am typing these things out. (I think I have them fixed up now.)

I'm glad you liked this. I was actually pretty nervous about it since I just finished a King Arthur Literature class at my muggle university and was afraid that I might not do the piece justice!

Thanks a bunch for the review!!


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