Aloha! You requested a review from me over a month ago... Yikes, I'm really late, and for that, I apologize!!
Now, down to the review:
I loved the beginning. It was quite descriptive and wonderful. I really enjoy a story when the description is spot-on, and you've got that down!
I think you wrote Harry quite believably, except for when he defied Uncle Vernon... That was quite out of character for him, but it actually gave me a good sense of how he differs from J.K. Rowling's depiction of him. And personally, I'm not a huge fan of the Harmony ship... I'm kind of a Romione purist... But it's pretty cool that you've got a little awkward romantic element in there!! (I only say awkward because it's Harry and Hermione... How can they NOT be awkward?!) :)
Excellent first chapter, and I hope you don't hate me for taking so long to review!! :)
~~UnluckyStar57 Report Review
Hey there. cypress here with the review you requested. Things have been extremely busy for me and I'm just finally catching up now. First of all, I just want to say, congratulations on your first fic! That's always really exciting to have your writing published for the first time. :)
Anyway, on to the review. I think you do a really good job of describing your scenes throughout, but especially at the beginning. As far as your characters, I think you could do a bit more to develop them. Sometimes we have such a clear image of what they're like in our heads, we sort of assume that the reader sees the same thing. That's not always the case. I loved the nightmare and Harry's response and all, and I think you did a good job giving them hints of gestures here and there to make them feel more "real." What I would have liked, though, would have been a bit more background about the Harry, Ron, Hermione, Dumbledore, etc that you're showing us. Clearly this story strays from canon, so I'd like to get to know these versions of the characters a bit better - get inside their heads.
I don't know if that's making much sense, but I think the best example is Harry. He yells at his uncle all of a sudden, but I don't really know why. (I mean - I do because I've read the books, but I'd still like to know why -this- Harry, in -this- story, flipped out so suddenly.) I'd also like to better understand how he was feeling when he was calming down, and what does he think about Dumbledore telling him to call him Albus? That bit actually shocked me since Professor Dumbledore was always Professor Dumbledore to Harry, so I wondered why Dumbledore did that, and what Harry thought about such a sudden attempt at an unprecedented familiarity.
I don't know if that's a silly thing to fixate on, but I have a habit of doing that - finding a detail or two and thinking, "well that's interesting - but why did that happen?" I think the other big, glaring thing that departs from canon are the Harry/Hermione feelings for one another. I'm not saying I'm against the ship! But again, I want to know more about these characters - about THIS Harry. The Harry from book 4 was interested in Cho - and very unhappy about thinking he was dating Hermione. I'd like a bit of background for these versions of the characters and where exactly the story strayed? Is this really as sudden as it seems? Or have there been lingering feelings for a while? When did it start? That sort of thing.
Anyway, just some things to think about. I hope this has been helpful, and thanks for requesting a review. :)
cypress Report Review
Hey! I saw your post on the forums, so here I am! You're a Harmony shipper, which is great because I am too! The was a very well written chapter; the descriptions, dialogue, and character (I've just lost the word) thingys were written very well. The way the characters act around each other- that's what I'm trying to say. Anyway, great job, and I'm looking forward to more! :)
HolyCricketAuthor's Response: Thanks for reading and reviewing! I'm glad you liked the chapter. I've been trying to focus a lot on the character development and the relationships and interactions between the characters so I'm happy that came through.
I have loads more chapters written (over 50 pages worth) but am just waiting on validation. If you'd like I can email them to you and you can catch up on the story in real time. I'd love to hear your opinions.
Thanks again for reading! Report Review
Hey! My name is Camille from the forums! I saw your post in the RC Common room and thought I'd check your story out!
So first off, your writing is just lovely, it's so professional and mature that I would honestly pick this up and read it if it was a published book. I love the way you've developed Harry's character, and I guess you're a Harry/Hermione shipper huh? :) I quite liked the interaction between Harry and Dumbledore but also between him and the Dursley's because while it is somewhat cannon, you're putting your own spin on it which is unique and refreshing. I really really enjoyed reading this chapter, and will definitely come back once the others were validated. Your writing is so very good and I hope your proud of your first chapter.
Overall, I didn't see any typos, but then again, I am no beta. :) But good work there, you probably actually proof read!
But really, great job on this chapter, I can't wait to see you around the forums, and read more of your story!
GrangerDanger76Author's Response: Thanks for the review! I'm glad you liked the first chapter. I've written loads more, but validation takes longer than I'd hope sometimes. If you are interested, I can email you the other chapters I have written so you can read it all now.
I actually don't proofread at all. I right all of my chapters really late at night while I'm just trying to find something to do (clinically diagnosed insomnia does wonders for my writing), then I just save them and post them after maybe one read through. I know that's not the best tactic, but I do edit as I write. I cannot for the life of me leave a typo sitting with the logic that "spell check will catch it later". OCD ftw.
Thanks for reading and I can't wait for you to see the rest of the chapters! Report Review
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