This was another really strong chapter. I love how the plot has been developing, especially since Teddy has taken Ben into custody. Some of Ben's reactions were really interesting when Teddy started talking about the arrest, and it makes me wonder whether or not Ben was planning on murdering Dom or not. You've got me in suspense--way to go! I cannot wait to find out if he was actually planning on it, and why he would do such a thing. :)
The only real complaint I have is the way the flashback was introduced. It just came on so suddenly that for a moment, I was confused. First we were at Dom's house, then presto, we were at Shell Cottage? I had to go back and reread, but I managed to figure it out. What I would suggest is this: try to separate the moment between Teddy being at Dom's house and his flashback. Maybe make the flashback start on a new paragraph, and then put it all in italics? That tends to work pretty well for clearing up any confusion.
But other than that, I loved the flashback. It really added a lot to the storyline. You've done a marvelous job with this story so far, and I hope that you don't stop! :)
~UnluckyStar57Author's Response: I'm so happy to hear that you liked this chapter:) Yes, Ben is quite a mystery as of right now... but I can't really tell you anything about it ;)
Thanks for pointing out that the flashback was a bit confusing - I'll go back and re-read it and try to make it clearer and flow better! I'm really grateful that you pointed it out :)
Thank you so much, both for your kind compliments and your advice - I appreciate it so much, and I think I'll come back and re-request for chapter five as well! You're awesome for taking the time to do this, by the way!! Report Review
Hello, Elphaba back again! As with the last two chapters, I found the italicized section at the beginning to be very intriguing. It helps to build the suspense and also keeps me wondering whether Ben is innocent or not.
I also wonder how Terrance O'Hagan will develop as the story continues -- will he kiss up to Barrett in order to further his career, or will he seek out the truth no matter where it leads him? He seems like he could be an interesting character who could impact the outcome of the story.
There were just a couple of spots in this chapter that seemed slightly off. The first is when Teddy comes home to Victoire and Remus: "'Down!' he whimpered. 'Put me down!'" It sounds like Remus is ordering his mother rather than asking, and I don't know that she'd let her son talk to her like that. Since he's whimpering, I think he might say, "I want down," instead.
The other spot is a description of Lily as a "...young girl lying on her bed..." If she's old enough to work at the Daily Prophet, then she's not really a young girl. I think young lady or young woman would be more appropriate for Teddy's POV. "Girl" would sound more believable coming from the POV of someone like Barrett.
I really like that Harry is going to help Teddy with the case outside of the Auror's department! :) This set-up has the makings of a fantastic mentor-protege/buddy-cop suspense thriller. I'm curious to see what will happen next.Author's Response: Hello again :D It makes me very happy to hear that you like reading Ben's POV, as it's one of my favourite parts to write!!
Terrance O'Hagan has not made his last appearance in this story, I can tell you that much! I hope you'll enjoy what I have in store for him :)
Thank you for pointing out those things! I will definitely go back and edit them as son as possible, as I agree completely with both of your comments.
Haha, yes, Harry's help might come in handy, since it's such a complicated situation. I hope you'll continue to enjoy what comes next, and than you so much for taking the time to do this, for your lovely compliments and the fantastic advice!! :) Report Review
Hi, Elphaba here again!
By reading this chapter, I learned a new phrase: "Well, don't bite your arm off." I had to look it up to get that Teddy is telling Ben not to get so excited about his visit. :) I also learned a new slang word: "barmy." :)
This phrase stuck out: "...pour oatmeal onto their plates," because I've only eaten oatmeal out of a bowl. I would say "pour oatmeal into their bowls," here. It's not a big deal, I just thought I'd point I out.
I think you could elaborate on this a little further: "A few minutes later, after having convinced Dominique that it was the best solution for the time being, Ben and Teddy left the Howells property to apparate to the Ministry of Magic." Did Teddy make one particular compelling point that changed her mind? Or did Ben take her aside to talk to her privately while Teddy sat in uncomfortable silence, waiting and wondering whether he was doing the right thing?
I really like the scene between Teddy and little Remus at the end, and the story Remus tells him about Tonks the dragon lamp. Its touching, and also helps to explain Teddy's motivation for going along with the arrest of Ben.
Sorry I have been a bit slow with my reviews. I should get to chapter 5 within the next couple of days. :)Author's Response: I wanted them to sound a bit more British, which is why I decided to use some slang words. I actually learned them too by looking them up ;)
That's a very good point - it didn't even cross my mind! I'll go ahead and change that to bowls, which makes more sense!
I'll also try to elaborate that part about one of them convincing Dominique that it's the best thing to do. Thank you again for the advice :)
I'm glad you liked that scene with Remus and the dragon lamp! It's supposed to work as a confirmation for Teddy, that he did the right thing, and I'm happy to hear that it came across that way!
Don't worry about that, take your time! I'm just really happy that you do it! Thank you for being so encouraging and helpful with these reviews, I appreciate it so much! :) Report Review
Hi, Elphaba here!
Wow, the italicized section that begins this chapter is slightly ominous. :) I wasn't sure who the speaker was at first, but I gather now that this is Ben explaining why he might murder Dominique? It's very chilling, and definitely hooked me into the rest of the chapter right away.
Then this made me chuckle: "...he even got along with Uncle Percy." :)
I love that Teddy goes to Harry's house to ask him for advice. Bill showing up and opposing Harry adds greatly to the drama, but it also feels like a big coincidence. Maybe Ginny could remind Lily as they leave that Uncle Bill is coming over to talk about something (or vice versa) to set up his arrival.
I'm curious to see how the arrest will play out, so On to chapter 4!Author's Response: Yes, the italicized part is from Ben's POV. I'm glad that it worked as setting quite an ominous mood, because that was the point!
Haha, yes, that's quite an accomplishment, isn't it?
Thanks for pointing that out about Bill - I'll definitely edit and have either Lily or Ginny make a comment about before he arrives!
Thank you so much for taking the time to do this, I really appreciate it! Report Review
Hey there, Siriusly89 with your request review. I am so sorry itís taken me this long to review this for you!
The memory at the beginning was, well I suppose the only word for it is cute. It sort of justifies a clichť, and as I am guilty of both reading and writing clichťs like no one else, I really enjoyed that!
Teddy and Victoireís small talk was very, well I suppose realistic. They were acting like any other married couple since the beginning of time, and the easiness and flow of the conversation is something I always admire, as it is a thing I find impossible. Idle chit-chat is definitely a field of writing I need to work on!
Teddyís protectiveness of Lily, and then his comments on Ronís sanity were very funny. I know they werenít meant to be all that humorous, but you had me laughing!
Em, is Barrett a little crazy? I agree with Teddy, you canít go arresting people for crimes they havenít even committed. I have a horrible feeling itís a prank Barrettís playing on Teddy, to get him into trouble, but Iím probably wrong!
Dominiqueís husband is going to kill her?
Oh my goodness, itís all falling into place! The Seer in the beginning, and Barrett, and everything! Itís all clicked together nicely, hasnít it?
A really good chapter!
Feel free to re-request!Author's Response: No worries - I'm just really happy that you take the time to do this!
It's nice to hear that you liked the first part, even if it was a big clich√É¬©. It's actually quite important, but you'll discover that later :)
I'm so flattered that you think that the conversation was good and believable! That's so nice to hear!!
Oh, and yes, it was supposed to be a bit funny, haha ;) Imagine having Ron for a father...
Barrett is definitely a complicated character. You'll learn more about im in the future, but truth is, he is just desperate to prove himself, and to keep the power he has gained by becoming Head Auror.
I'm glad to hear that you think it fell into place with this chapter! And that you liked this, that makes me very happy! :)
Thank you so much, again, for taking time to to do this, and know that I really appreciate it! I'll definitely re-request as soon as possible ;) Report Review
Hi, Elphaba back again!
I found this line to be really funny, and it made me smile: "'They think it's romantic, these Muggle authors, but watching someone sleep is, and always will be, creepy!'" :)
I found a few more grammar issues I this chapter: "The smell of freshly cooked coffee..." coffee is "brewed" rather than "cooked." I suppose that technically it's a type of cooking, but it's always called "brewed." :)
Also, in that same sentence: "into the bedroom in which Teddy..." I would change "in which" to "where." The way you have it may not break any rules, but "where" is more commonly used in that situation.
I like that Teddy woke up with a hair color he didn't like! It's like not feeling completely yourself when you wake up, but being able to change it. :)
Here are two more grammar things: "Teddy couldn't help but smile at her rosy cheek and startled face expression." "Face" should be "facial," because it's used as an adjective, here, rather than as a noun.
And finally: "...she needed to make an effort to look beautiful, when she was the impersonation of natural beauty." In this case, I think "impersonation" (pretending to be someone you're not) should be "personification," (the living embodiment of an abstract idea).
Aww, I like that Teddy and Victoire named their son Remus. :) I like their conversation, and the story he tells her about James' fight with his mother, Ginny. It's a refreshing change to read a next-gen fic that shows them as adults, rather students.
You do a great job of ratcheting up the tension during Teddy's meeting with Barrett. And then in the middle of it, this little gem included in Teddy's imagination made me laugh, "You'll do it for me, Teddy, you're like the caring, cool brother I never had - James doesn't count, of course." :)
I honestly had no idea who Teddy would be expected to arrest, and love that it came as a surprise at the very end. I feel bad for Teddy for having to investigate his own extended family, and will definitely continue reading in order to find out what the situation is! :)Author's Response: Haha, I'm glad that you liked it! :)
Thank you so much for pointing out my mistakes - it helps improve both my English and this story, and I really can't thank you enough for it!
As for Teddy's hair colour, I'm glad that you caught that little detail. I imagine him waking up with different colours depending on what he's been dreaming about ;)
I'm so glad that you liked Teddy and Victoire together (and yes, in my mind, Remus is the perfect name for their son!). :)
Haha, well, I think that it's natural that all of Harry's kids look up to Teddy very much, and since he's not their actual brother, he won't annoy them as much. So for Albus, James would have been the annoying older brother, while Teddy was the cool one :) I hope that makes sense ;)
The fact that Dominique is involved makes things so much harder for Teddy, as you'll see in the upcoming chapter. I feel bad for him too!
Thank you so much for this review! It was really lovely, and really helpful, and I'll definitely re-request! I appreciate your help so much :) Report Review
Hi, Elphaba here, sorry for being so late with this review!
First of all, I like that while the characters in this chapter are all original, you tie them to the series by mentioning Harry:
"Harry Potter never even mentioned it when he was Head of the Auror Office!"
This reference to Harry also serves to illustrate a conflict between Barrett and Marwick, and help begin to establish their characters, which I think is great! :)
Okay, you said to go ahead and point out grammatical issues, so here's one: "The one standing next to him, a lank, grey-haired man..." I think "lank" (long, limp hair) should be changed to "lanky" (tall, thin person). Lanky seems to fit better in the context of the sentence.
Also, any time you mention the Daily Prophet it should be italicized, because it's a title of a published work.
I think you've started off well with an intriguing premise. The end of the chapter ("'He's going to murder his wife.") really grabbed me. I immediately wondered who "he" and his wife are. I've definitely been hooked into reading further! :)Author's Response: I'm glad that you liked that part! It was meant to explain both who Barrett was and to at least begin to explain the conflict.
Thank you for pointing out those things! I will definitely go back and edit. I really appreciate it! :)
I'm also very happy to hear that the ending worked, and that it makes you want to know more. Thank you so much for this helpful review! :) Report Review
So, even though my review swapping is done, I couldn't resist reading this chapter too xD
I think it was an effective chapter as it showed Dom's love for her husband. I also liked how you started the chapter with a completely unrelated (so far) character. The moments Vic and Teddy shared were sweet, and I liked how she didn't turn her back on Teddy, or anything. I hope Harry is able to help properly from retirement though.
The story is going quite well. I have favourited it so I'll be coming back to read when the next chapter is up!
Keep writing. Great job!
(AditiDraco95)Author's Response: I'm not complaining that you kept reading, haha ;) I'm so happy that you did!
Dominique is so confused right now, because as you say, she really loves her husband. As for Terrance, we'll see more of him in the upcoming chapters!
I'm so, so happy that you like the story, and thank you so much for all your wonderful reviews! I'm currently working on the next chapter, and I'll probably get it up next week, or the week after that! :) Thanks again, I really appreciate it!! Report Review
Hey! Here to review the fourth chapter for the swap!
Ah I think I am getting the hang of the italics part
before the chapter's beginning. It is from Ben's POV
right? Now I know xD I quite like those by the way.
This chapter was quite well-written. I think you
showed Dominique and her husband's reactions quite
realistically. Teddy's discomfort and dread was also
very evident throughout. Ben seems like a nice
enough man, I wonder if he will turn into a murderer,
how will that happen. I look forward to your
development of your characters.
The part at the end with Teddy and Remus was very
sweet too. It sort of reinforced Teddy's decision and I
liked that. The fatherly love is definitely there, but
So far, you're doing a brilliant job at the story and I
am hooked! I am loving the story really, it's all so
mysterious and I am curious to see how things will
play out next, so I am favouriting the story, and also
going to read the next chapter!
(AditiDraco95)Author's Response: You're right, it's from Ben's POV. I'm glad you like those, they're fun to write! And they'll explain a lot about his character, so that's why I've added them.
It's nice to hear that their reactions were realistic. I honestly had no idea how they would react, other than the fact that they'd be upset, haha! ;) I think that one of the problems for Teddy is that he really likes Ben, but you can never be 100 % sure about a person, right?
Yes, watching Remus made Teddy sure that he'd made the right decision. I'm glad you liked it.
Oh, that makes me so exited! You're going to keep reading? You're adding it to your favourites? I'm so flattered, and I'm smiling goofily right now, because I'm so happy that you like it!! :D Thank you so much for your review :) Report Review
Here for review number three for the swap xD
Ooh I liked this chapter quite a lot. I liked how Teddy went to Harry for advice - it was very believable as Harry has been a father figure to him. I also liked the little details like Lily is always left out of stuff and such. The part about Bill was very realistic. As a father, I can definitely expect him to be concerned this way. I feel sad for Teddy now, the confrontation he'll have with Ben is bound to get awkward or weird or something.
I like the things in italics which you put before the start of the chapter, though I don't understand the snippets completely. Are they about Teddy and Victoire? Is it the past, present, or the future? It's a little confusing but definitely interesting.
All in all, great chapter as always. I quite enjoyed it. I am excited to see what happens next.
Moving on to the next.
(AditiDraco95)Author's Response: Yes, I feel like Harry would be the first person that Teddy would turn to. I'm glad that you enjoy those little details - I think that they're quite important because they add more life to the story, so I'm so happy that you like them! Of course Bill would be furious and worried for his daughter.
The part in italics is actually supposed to be a bit confusing, but I think you'll understand it in time :) It takes place in the same time as the rest of the story!
Once again, thank you so much! It makes me so happy to hear that you're still enjoying it! :) Report Review
Here for the second review of review swap xD
Wow, this just keeps getting more interesting! I think I love your story already! I liked the way you started with showing Teddy's household, and his love for Victoire. It was heartwarming to see the two so happy together. And aw they named their son Remus. It was all quite sweet. I also liked the addition of Teddy telling Victoire about Roxanne's birthday party as it gave us some details into the Weasleys' lives.
Barett seems to be quite crazy and I don't blame Teddy for saying that he won't arrest a man who hasn't committed a murder yet, lol. But omg it's Dominique's husband, now that's shocking. I wonder what Teddy will do now.
So far the story seems to be doing great. Going on to the next chapter!
(AditiDraco95)Author's Response: You love it? Wow. How flattering, considering how much I love your writing!!
Yeah, I think that first part was quite important, because it showed Teddy and Victoire's happy life with their little family. I'm glad that the stories from the birthday party seemed to fit in as well!
Yes, crazy is just one of the words I'd use to describe Barrett. Finding out that it's Dominique's husband complicates things for Teddy. Poor guy.
I'm so glad that you like it! Thank you so much for this review :) Report Review
Hey! Here for the review swap!
Wow, this seems like a very interesting story. I was instantly pulled into the story from your summary and after reading the prologue I am even more intrigued. You seem to have an exciting plot.
I liked the whole way you set the scene in this chapter. It was quite dramatic and effective. Your descriptions in the beginning were very interesting too and I could visualise the scene easily. The little details you provided were also nicely done. I liked how you described the Seer, and the ending sentence was quite powerful. I am quite eager to see how things play out further and what happens.
Moving on to the next chapter..
(AditiDraco95)Author's Response: hi! I'm glad that you found this prologue intriguing - that's kind of the whole point of a prologue, so that's definitely good! It also makes me happy that you like the plot and the descriptions! I hope you'll continue to enjoy the story, as the next chapters are quite different from this one.
Thank you so much for your review! :) Report Review
Hello, Siriusly89 with your rather late review, sorry about the wait!
Anyway, Iím here, ready to review!
Oooh! I love prologues, they sort of set the mood donít they? The CI is really pretty by the way.
Your description in this is amazing. I can actually visualise the room, scratched table and all. Thereís something about dimly-lit rooms that gives the whole thing an instant atmosphere, I know Iím only on the first paragraph, but it already feels sort of tense, and Iím anticipating something. I donít know what, but itís something.
Barret and Marwicks conversation while, well Iím guessing sheís a seer did her thing was funny. It had an element of humour to it, but they again that could just be me. I think itís just me.
Oooh! The ending! What a cliff-hanger! Whoís going to murder their wife? I have a horrible suspicion that itís Harry, but Iím praying Iím wrong. Please tell me Iím wrong!
Feel free to re-request, and I promise it wonít take as long for me to get around to the reviewing next time!Author's Response: Don't worry about the wait, I just really appreciate that you've taken the time to do this! :)
I'm so glad that you liked the description - for me, that's a vital part of stories I read, so it's nice to hear that it works in my writing as well (at least in this chapter!) ;)
Haha, I'm surprised that you found it funny! But I guess that it's a bit silly. Barrett is quite a silly character, to be honest, because he's so obsessed with proving himself.
I'm not going to ruin the next chapter by telling you who the murderer is, but I've requested a review for the next one, so if you do that you'll find out! ;) Thank you so much for this lovely review, it really makes me happy to hear that you enjoyed this!! Report Review
The first thing I noticed about this chapter and your writing style is the lovely was that you use imagery. It's very light and easy to read, which I absolutely love and instantly drew me in. I also loved the undercurrent of mystery and tension in this chapter, which sent goosebumps running down my spine, accompanied by the description of that flickering light (which I've always seen as creepy.)
I love the way you ended this chapter, with that amazing cliffhanger! It definitely makes me eager to know more. You have done an excellent job setting up the mood of the story and grabbing the audience's attention - nice job!
Courtney:)Author's Response: It's so nice to hear that you enjoyed this chapter! The whole point of it was to create a sort of mystic ambience, so I'm really glad to hear that it came across. The cliffhanger was inevitable, haha! Thank you so much for your review, and I'm so happy that you liked this! Report Review
Okay, even though this is a short chapter this is going to be a semi long review because I'm going to be rambling about things.
I don't know why but whenever a character that I like gets insulted I get offended. I don't even know why but it just ends up being like an insult to me. You can imagine how annoyed I was when the man said "and Potter didn't think of this," and that he'd do the job better than everyone else. I immediately went "excuse you but did you kill a man that couldn't be killed when you were seventeen (or was Harry eighteen?) No, I don't think so."
I very clearly do not like that man. He just oozes modesty doesn't he (oh the wonderful art of sarcasm).
The ending was absolutely the best though. I know it sounds weird because it's a cliffhanger and they usually make me want to rip out my hair (and this makes me want to keep reading which I assure you I will). Anyway, I'm curious as to who the Seer was talking about (read: I'm dying to know) so don't mind me, I'll just keep reading.
AWESOME JOB ON THIS!Author's Response: Haha, this review made me laugh! I agree with you, I get really angry with characters as well - even when I write them myself ;) Yeah, this Barrett guy is just such a joy, isn't he? (I love sarcasm too!!)
I'm glad you liked the ending. I know that cliffhangers are quite annoying, but sometimes they are just necessary. I do hope that you continue to read - you'll find out a lot more in the next chapter! :) I also hope that you'll continue to enjoy the story, and please let me know what you think of it!
Thank you so much for this lovely review!! :) Report Review
I really liked the change of perspective, I thought it worked really well! It will be especially interesting if Terrance becomes involved in the investigation. I also liked how his father was part of the department as well! It's also interesting how Terrance's father was saying that he needed to do what was best for himself, not what was best for other people.
The part about Terrance seeing Dominique and being amazed by her beauty was so funny. Reminds me of the unrequited love poor Fleur had to "suffer, " haha.
I'm finding myself more intrigued by Ben's character through the flashbacks. I feel like there is something dark lurking there, maybe a fear of being alone or not being able to forgive any betrayal. The sense I'm getting from the sections in his POV is of a secure outside with self-doubt lurking just below the surface, and I think that this development of the character is the most intriguing part of your wonderful story.
I really loved the paragraph beginning with "But she looked as though she did..." It was really well written and gave me some more insight into how hard Teddy's job is, and was the best way to show how Dom was feeling.
I'm curious as to why Harry doesn't want Lily to become an Auror, though considering how corrupt the business is maybe he's got the right idea. You're doing a good job of focusing on the other characters in Teddy's life rather than simply Teddy.
However, I think Harry's being a bit stubborn and unhelpful, and I hope he'll see sense and be more helpful. I'm also very curious to find out what happened to prevent him from being Head Auror again!!
Anyway, another awesome chapter!! My only advice would be to put in a bit more action-- maybe another future murder prediction? Overall though I think you're doing a lovely job and I'm excited to find out what happens next!!! :)Author's Response: I'm glad to hear that you enjoyed the part about Terrance. We will see more of him in the future :)
Yes, and Bill is described as very handsome, so I think they're children would be really beautiful as well ;)
I'm glad that you enjoy Ben's character. I enjoy writing him the most... it's so interesting to think of new dimensions of him etc., and I'll probably explore his character even more in the future of this story.
I'm glad you liked that paragraph. I compared it a lot to what it must be like to work as a police.
As for Harry's actions, his not wanting Lily to become an Auror and what's holding him back from coming back as Head Auror, it will all be revealed in time. I didn't plan on including it in the story, but I hope it will make the whole thing better, and I hope you'll like it (even if it is quite far off in the future right now!)
I'm so glad to hear that you liked this :) I don't think I'll be able to fit in another murder prediction, but I'll definitely add some more action! I already have an idea for the next chapter ;) Report Review
I love this story. I hope you'll finish this.Author's Response: It makes me so happy to hear that! And I definitely will :) Report Review
Again, I really like how you introduced the chapter, with the switch in perspective that gives the reader insight into Ben's thoughts. It's really effective, and I think it gives a deeper and slightly darker insight into his personality and hints at the future. Did you ever consider putting more little switches in perspectives throughout the chapters? It's just an idea, but I think that would be worth considering, as I think the parts in italics represent some of the best of the best bits of writing here. (or maybe I'm just a huge fan of spontaneously switching perspectives, haha:))
I feel so bad for Teddy, and the fact that he can't tell Victoire what's going on. I wonder if she'll be upset with him when she finds out?
The description of Ben and Dom's house was really good, it painted a picture of young love and hope for the future, and I thought it was effective how Teddy is reflecting on these memories as he's approaching. The sense of dread is very well portrayed, as is the sense of awkwardness when he arrests Ben.
I'm wondering about the old seer woman. Judging by her shifty behaviour, it seems like she's up to something. Or she's being used and/or threatened by Barrett, which would definitely not surprise me! I'm also interested to find out more about her: her history, and perhaps her credibility for prophecies and divination. Will Teddy be making a trip to the department of mysteries any time soon to check her track record? :P
The little toy called Tonks is very cute. I like how Remus is named after... well, Remus, and I think that if they had a daughter the real Tonks would have been VERY upset if her granddaughter was named Nymphadora. So having a beloved toy called Tonks is a happy medium. It would also be cute if Tonks had some plush toy friends called Prongs and Padfoot, I have to say! haha.
Overall, I'm really loving the four chapters you have posted so far. I think it's well structured in terms of chapter lengths, and cliff hanger endings are also an effective touch. I'm so curious to find out what happens!!! :) Hopefully these reviews are helpful, or at least fun to read, and please re-request when the next chapters are up (or any of your other stories for that matter). :)Author's Response: I'm so glad you like to read Ben's thoughts (they are one of my favorite parts to write). I hadn't originally planned on switching perspectives, but now that you've suggested it, I feel really inspired to give it a try. It might make this story a bit longer than I had planned, but that's not a problem. I might write something from the old seer woman's point of view, from Barrett... we'll see how it goes.
I agree, Tonks would have been upset to see her granddaughter forced to live with that name ;) But I think she'd be okay with Remus naming his toy after her ;) Hah, yeah, that would be brilliant! Or maybe Harry's kids were the once who had toys with those names :)
I'm so glad you liked it, and you've been of very much help, so thank you again!!! I will definitely re-request when I add the next chapter. I hope you know how much I appreciate these reviews, they're both very encouraging and helpful, so thank you! (how many times have I said that now? haha!) :) Report Review
I think the introductory part is VERY interesting-- it makes me think that maybe it's the prediction and arrest itself that will cause Ben to hurt Dominique. Ahh!! Very thought-provoking, not to mention beautifully written! :)
I really, really like how you jump right into the description of Ben and his history with the family. When I read the first line in the last chapter, I was imagining a monstrous sort of husband, but you add new dimensions to the story by talking about how all the Weasleys liked him and what a great guy he was. I love the little details, like that he was a rubbish Quidditch player.
Also, for some reason I really liked this description: "Suddenly, Teddy found himself standing on the street in blinding sunlight. Muggles rushed past him Ė Muggles always seemed to be in a hurry Ė a line of cars had formed by the traffic light a few yards away, and the sound of their engines working, horns and loud voices filled the air. It was a beautiful August afternoon, and it was still warm enough outside for people to go barelegged." It's very simple, but the clear images did a really good job of setting the scene, and the sharp cut from speaking with Barrett to being outside in busy London represented Teddy's confusion and shock very well, if that makes sense. :P
Also, you've mentioned a couple times that there's a murder problem happening in Great Britain. I think you could expand on this in the chapters, maybe talking about other precautions and punishments that have happened in regards to the murders, whether they're Muggle or wizard inflicted, whether there's any Death Eater or Dark involvement. Such details would add context and be interesting to read about! (Although I secretly suspect Barrett is Barty Crouch reincarnated and is murdering people then blaming others through the seer... or something crazy like that :P)
It's such a tricky situation that Teddy -and now Harry- is in. On one hand, arresting people for future crimes seems ridiculous... on the other hand, what if something bad happens and they could have stopped it??! It's really making me question what I would do in that situation, and I really don't know the answer!! :S
Bill walking in was an interesting twist. I think he acted exactly true to character, and how any dad would react, although I'm still surprised he didn't storm over there right away.
Anyway, another amazing chapter!! I actually think that if you tweaked the storyline a little and removed the HPFF elements, you could turn this into a non-fan fiction story: a mystery with some elements of fantastic realism. Well, that's just a thought. :) Also, I'm interested to see where the story will go, if it will focus mainly on the Dominique-Ben storyline or if more predictions and arrests will keep happening. :)Author's Response: Aw, these reviews... thank you for making my day!! :) I just came home from school and was not looking forward to start studying, and then I find this! It brightened my mood quite a bit, so thank you :)
Yes, I think that one of the interesting aspects about Ben and the prediction is the fact that everyone thinks that he's a good guy. His actually Teddy's friends, which makes everything so much more complicated.
I'm glad you liked that description! :) I've found, sometimes, that it's better to keep it simple - thanks for confirming it, though!
As for your idea on writing more about the problem in GB, I think it's brilliant! I'll definitely keep that in mind as I continue to write the next couple of chapters :)
Yes, there's no easy choice for Teddy and Harry here. I don't know what I would do either - it's quite a dilemma. Now that Bill is involved as well, it's exen trickier. I think that Bill would have stormed over there, had it not been for the fact that he trusts Teddy and Harry to work things out.
Wow... I'm so glad that you like the plot that much (very flattered) ;). I actually thought about what this story would be like if it took place outside of the HP world, so maybe I'll give it a go one day.
Thanks again for your review!! Report Review
Hello, me again!! So, I really like what you've done here both in smoothly introducing the characters and continuing the action.
The section at the beginning is very intriguing. I'm not sure if you were referring to Teddy and Victoire, or possibly to the future murderer (who I now realize is Dominique's husband!!). Either way, the ambiguity works, and adds an element of domestic creepiness.
I really like how you've personified Victoire: she comes across as being independent and fiery, but also loving and humble. Often in fan fiction she seems to be portrayed as shallow or mean, but I enjoy this Victoire and the happy relationship she has with Teddy.
Love as well the little Weasley-isms thrown into their natural breakfast conversation: like Lily's new bpyfriend, and Molly's baking. The references to Teddy, Harry and Ron being protective is also really sweet, and seemed perfectly in character to me. Poor Lily :P
Barrett interests me: I think he's a bit of a neurotic and paranoid character and it seems like he's looking out for himself and his image rather than the safety of other people. Also, I think it's a little cruel of him to give the case to Teddy considering his family connection. I sense a lot of manipulation coming... and it's great!!!
I love Teddy's reactions to being assigned the task, and how he says that arresting someone based on something they haven't done yet is ridiculous. It's funny, because before he said that, I'd been in agreement that yeah, preventing the crime is totally reasonable! haha, so the story is definitely making me question things, which is a very good thing.
With regards to the (very minimal) CC, I think a few sections would be even stronger with a little more detail. For example, Teddy automatically scorns divination, but that might be a little stronger if you gave some context on why he scorns it--did he take it at Hogwarts? Did Hermione tell him some stories about crackpot seers?
Also, I'd love to know the prank James played on his opponents!! :P
The little montage at the end, in which Teddy imagines his loved ones, was also really well written. I think you did a great job of staying in character for each person. I especially liked Albus: "James doesn't count, of course."
Finally, you clearly have cliff-hangers down, and it's such a powerful ending to the chapter!!! Really, this story is so interesting and clever. I'm very intrigued!!! :)Author's Response: So you did all the chapters? Yay!! Thank you so much, and especially for doing it so quickly! And this review - I just love the long ones, don't you? ;)
I'm glad you enjoyed the first section. The point of it will be more clear in the future, especially the one in this chapter :)
I think that many authors write Victoire as being very simular to Fleur when we first meet her in the books (i.e. nobody likes her, except for the boys who only like her because she's attractive). But I think that with Bill for a father, she would never turn out to be shallow or mean, right? I'm glad you thought so too!
Haha, yeah, life is probably not easy for Lily... ;)
You're absolutely right about Barrett. He will do what is best for him, no matter how many people he might hurt along the way.
Haha, it's interesting that you thought preventing crimes this way was reasonable - my opinion about it is pretty much the same as Teddy's ;) I definitely agree that I could explain further why Teddy scorns the idea. I love the idea of Hermione having influenced him there! I will try to work something like that into this chapter :)
I'm so glad that you liked the characterization. I don't like to read stories where the characters are acting completely irrational, so I'm glad that I haven't made that mistake myself ;)
It makes me so happy to hear that you like this (especially considering what an amazing author you are, yourself!) Thank you again :) Report Review
Hello! Here for your requested review/ it's about time I returned the favour after all of your lovely reviews on my story!!! :) And I must say, this story deserves some AMAZING praise!
First of all, I think the idea is very creative and clever. Since magic is so powerful, wizards should be able to use it to prevent bad things from happening, right? So I can see why they turn to Divination, flaky a subject as it is.
This prologue does such a stellar job of setting up tension and suspense-well done!! Especially the last sentence-it gave me chills.
Even though the chapter is short, I got a good sense of the characters -particularly Barrett- and what kind of department leader he is going to be. Ruthless, anxious to prove himself... tell me, was he a Slytherin? :P I also think you did well at "showing," not "telling" the reader the characters' traits: for example, you showed that Barrett is older than Harry etc. through his dialogue, so I thought that was clever.
Anyway, I think this is a very strong and enticing prologue, and very smoothly written. You have an incredible base for a story here!!! :)Author's Response: First of all, thank you SO MUCH for doing this! I really, really appreciate it :)
I'm glad you liked the idea of my plot. It just came to me and I figured: 'surely someone would try to misuse their powers like that...' Because I think they're misusing it, haha ;)
The chapter is very short, but I didn't want to write more just for the sake of making it longer. I'm glad that it still worked! And yes, Barrett was definitely a Slytherin in my mind ;)
Thank you so much for this review! And you have no idea how happy I am that you liked it so far!! :) Report Review
Things are getting pretty intense... Teddy's got his work cut out for him, that's for sure!
The whole scene was very smooth and seemed to flow pretty seamlessly. I think the story is going along really well, and I love the way you write dialogue. I only wish I had your skill! :)
Bill's anger is very believable and understandable, as he loves his daughters and would never want anything to happen to them. Teddy thinks that Ben is a nice guy, but which comes first--family or duty?
Because of Bill, duty has won out, but I'm sure that there will be plenty of trouble when Ben is taken to the Ministry. I'm actually really worried that he'll kill Dom before Teddy gets there... After all, the prediction didn't say WHEN the murder would happen, did it? D:
The only real complaint I have is Harry's retirement. I know that you told me that he just decided to retire, but my brain just isn't satisfied with that! I want the story! I really feel like he might have retired because of some sort of scandal or problem in the Auror Department, but he's such a hero that I couldn't see him retiring unless it was something REALLY huge. You've got a brilliant story here, but I think that you could enhance even a little bit more by somehow weaving in Harry's reason for retiring. It seems like it would make a good facet of the plot.
But that's just my opinion. :)
Excellent work on this chapter! I can't wait to read the next one!
~UnluckyStar57Author's Response: Wow, thank you so much for this review! I really appreciate the fact that you take time to do this, it's very helpful and encouraging, so thank you (I could say it a thousand times, but I think you get the point!) ;)
I'm glad to hear that the chapter flowed nicely, and that you found the dialogue believable. I'm very flattered!!
Yes, Bill had to have a strong reaction. And yes, Teddy is sort of put in the middle here, because Ben is a good friend of his and he really doesn't believe that he'll do it, but he also loves Dom and wants to do this for Bill (and maybe for Victoire as well). No easy decisions here...
Thank you for your opinion on Harry's retirement. I've considered it and I think you're right, I do have to add a background story to that. I have an idea of what might have happened, but I'll need to work on it a bit more to make it fit into this story. I agree that it would give the story a bit of a lift if the reader understands how these changes at the Auror Department could have started.
I'm so exited to hear what you like the story, thank you again for reviewing! Report Review
wow, to convict an innocent man like that?Thing I wonder about is fate. If someone is seen to die, doesn't that set it in stone? Just because one man is out of the equation, wont that mean another must take his place? If Dom is set to die she will. Have to de-bunk the seer. Even Harry had to die.
Enjoyed this chapter, see you the next :)Author's Response: You've got some interesting thoughts... I guess the major conflict right now is whether or not this is a 'real' Seer. I don't want to reveal anything about the future of this story, but I hope you will enjoy it. I'm so glad that you liked this, and thank you so much for reviewing!! Report Review
HOLY COW, WHAT JUST HAPPENED?!?!
So yeah, the prologue was really vague and mysterious, but now, it all falls into place!! I love it!! Kudos to you, for being suspenseful and awesome!! Near the end, I was like, "Who is this killer going to be? He's going to be revealed!" And yeah, he was! WOWZA!!
Craziness aside, this chapter was really marvelous. I enjoyed the vignette of Teddy and Victoire in the kitchen--they're sweet! :)
I also really liked the little sketch in italics at the very beginning, even though I wasn't sure who it was talking about until I got to the non-italicized part. It really gave me an idea of just how much Teddy cares about his family. In addition to that: All of the stories from the birthday party were tied in really well at the end, as all the faces came up to haunt Teddy. I hate Barrett because he's a big jerk, and I still want to know why Harry retired!
Was he just too old, or did they dismiss him? I MUST know!! :p
Continue being awesome, and I'll review you later, I'm sure! :)
~UnluckyStar57Author's Response: Oh my god, this review... it literally made my day! I was exhausted from working at a daycare center all day, and now I'm not even tired, I'm just happy! Thank you :D
I'm so glad that you liked this! I love writing about Teddy and Victoire, because I think they're an awesome couple. I'm glad that you liked reading it too.
The bit in italics will be cleared up in the future, who it's about and so on :)
I hate Barrett too! He really is a jerk.
Actually, Harry just retired. I know it's not clear in the story, but he wasn't fired or anything like that.
thank you SO MUCH for this review, for being so helpful and for giving such wonderful compliments, that really encourage me to keep writing. You're the best!! :) Report Review
*gasp!* Into the thick of things already, I see!
So, you mentioned that English isn't your first language... I hardly would've guessed!!
...Okay, I wouldn't have guessed at all. I've been speaking English all my life, and I STILL mess up a lot. It is a rather confusing, crazy language!
But down to the story:
What has happened to Harry Potter?! Where has he gone?! Is he dead? Did they kick him out?! SO MANY QUESTIONS. But that's a good thing--keep all of us guessing! :)
You've set everything up very nicely; I can already tell that this story will be quite a doozy! I would like to know exactly who this "he" is and what his wife did to deserve murder. That's another question that you've left me with!
One suggestion that I have, however, is that you tighten up your syntax a little bit. It's quite difficult, I've found, to say what you need to say without overwhelming the reader with superfluous adjectives and extra clauses. In this chapter, I see that you've almost got it just right, but there are a few ambiguous parts that need just a touch of love and care. It doesn't take away anything from the actual plot line, though, so it's no major grievance! :)
All in all, this was a great opening to what I'm sure will be a great story!
~UnluckyStar57Author's Response: First of all, thank you so much for doing this, and for doing it so quickly! I really, really appreciate it :)
I'm glad you thought the English was good. I try my best, but there is still room for a lot of improvement ;)
I'll try to take a second look at the sentence structure to make it better. I'm glad you pointed it out, and I will definitely take it into account.
I'm so glad that you liked it! It makes me so happy :)
Thank you again for your review, I appreciate it so much!
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