55 Reviews Found

Review #1, by AlexFan Godfather

20th July 2015:
Itís been a while since I read the first chapter so it took me a moment to remember what happened. The flow of writing in this chapter was much much better than the previous one, and I liked the level of detail that you included concerning setting as well as character expression. One suggestion that I want to make is that every emotion out there has actions that go along with it, for example, if someone is anxious, they fidget a lot, or they play with their hands, or theyíre breathing hard or avoiding eye contact when theyíre speaking to someone. Another example is when youíre angry, you maybe clench your fists, or clench your jaw, or glare at someone.

I like where the story is heading because I can tell that itís building up to Harry meeting the Druids and the anticipation builds more and more as I read because Iím imagining how the first meeting will go and what kinds of things that the characters will say and whoís going to be there so good job on that.

The only thing that I wanted to point out, and this is more because I can be really picky when it comes to canon information about the series, but I noticed with Harryís patronus that you mentioned that because it had changed from a horse to a stag that Harry must be falling out of love Ginny, and I can understand that itís leading up to an event involving the two of them. But, patronuses generally change because of a traumatic event, and just because yours doesnít match up with your spouse it doesnít necessarily mean that you donít love them, it just shows that youíre different people is all because your patronus reflects who you are inside as a person. But other than that, I enjoyed the chapter and I liked it!

Author's Response: Thank you for leaving nice and insightful review on this, Alex.

Speaking of description, everyone in the forums suggests me good advice, I really appreciate that. I have to fix many things, I feel grateful that I could know such kind people here.

About cannon information, my magic world may digress a little but I enjoy the difference and if you can enjoy this as one fanfiction itself, I feel happy.

I'll change his patronus again. While I wrote this stoty, vision popped in my mind, which led me to keep writing. Writing fanfiction of J.K.Rowling's magical world is so complicated, but I'd like to enjoy writing more.

I take more time in reading than writing now, I wish I would know how to write addicting stories.


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Review #2, by looneylizzie Trace

15th July 2015:
Hey Kenny! Iím here reviewing for your entry in my Animagus Challenge!

Since this is 30 chapters long (and I donít have a ton of time), Iím just going to focus on the first few chapters that I found contained the most information about Animagi. I hope you donít mind!

Anyway, onto the story!

I think itís really interesting that Harry has multiple forms of an Animagus. Itís practically unheard of in Canon, and definitely not something I expected from Harry. I do like the two different forms he has here though - a Stag and a Horse - they both have significant meaning to him, which I really like!

It makes me wonder why it is that his Animagus form has changed from a horse to a stagÖ or what it means about Harry and Ginnyís relationship. Perhaps things arenít as good as they seem?

Interesting, very interestingÖ

Great story Kenny, and thank you for entering my challenge! I really enjoyed reading this, and Iíll definitely have to come back and read the rest! :D

Keep writing!
LL

Author's Response: Hi, lizzie!
Thank you for leaving review for this!
If you have time to spare, you'll find (*spoiler*) his animagus form will change again.

In my first story, Harry always wonders which way to go, including the relationship between him and Ginny, in the second story, he gets used to the surroundings little by little, then in the third you can see confident Harry, but he hides his weakness deep in his mind.

Kenny


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Review #3, by SunshineDaisies Trace

10th July 2015:
Hi Kenny! I am so, so sorry it took me so long to get here! The House Cup has made everything a bit insane.

So I really love how in depth this story is going! It's obvious you've done a fair amount of research for this and it really shines through. The land disputes the magic world has pretty closely mirror the land disputes of muggles. That makes it so interesting. (I did not actually know this ahead of time I checked wikipedia). AND THE MUSIC BOX GAH. I literally had to stop reading because I was emotional over it.

Last time I focused on dialogue, and there aren't any new issues there, so I'll talk a bit about narrative.

Again, the word choice is a bit formal, but I don't think I can say too much on that without sounding a bit redundant.

One issue I see is in exposition. It's better to show than to tell in writing, and you're doing quite a bit of telling. For example:

Williamson cast the ďexsto mages spell,Ē that meant ďMagic, show itself,Ē then his wand vibrated rapidly and many long blue shadows appeared on the ground.

About half of that sentence is unnecessary. It would read much better if you showed Williamson casting the spell. Something along the lines of "Williamson raised is wand and said 'exsto mages.' His wand began vibrating rapidly and long blue shadows appeared on the ground." Is much more natural and much more interesting to read!

The rest of the chapter is pretty good on this front!

My next suggestion is to combine similar sentences. You've got some variety in sentence length, which is good, but when you describe things you tend to use short, choppy sentences.

The cottage was detached with four basic rooms, two upstairs, two down. One of them was large. Harry looked in the larger room beyond the square living room, and could see various patterns of kilt clothes hung above the hearth. There was an upright piano by the hearth. On the piano lots of picture frames were standing.

I'm looking at the last two sentences here. The length of them isn't the problem so much as the repetition of words-- which makes it seem choppy. Instead of that, I'd suggest something like "Next to it stood an upright piano, the top covered in picture frames."

Same issue applies here:
The wall of the room was moss green. There was a big mirror on the wall. Mr.Murray sat down on the oak arm chair and said,ďAre you ready, Mr. Potter?Ē

You can definitely combine those first two sentences and make a much smoother sentence.

Here, I think the length of the sentences is an issue:
They apparated in front of the gate to Hogwarts. Ron sent his Patronus in. A silvery Jack Russell terrier leapt away and soon Neville was running down to them.

You actually have a few options for adjusting this, you can combine the first two sentences, "They apparted in front of the gate and Ron sent his Patronus in."

Or, you can combine the sentences about the patronus and separate the one about Neville. "Ron conjured his patronus and a silver Jack Russell terrier leapt away. Soon, Neville was running down to them."

Either one works well.

That's all I've got for you for now! I hope you found it helpful. Again, I'm so sorry this was late! Enjoy the rest of the House Cup!

Author's Response: Hi, Katie!
Thank you so much for telling me some examples. For authors like me, these suggestions mean a lot. I tried to write in detail, which sometimes ended awkwardly.

Our pioneers have struggled translating in own language, so writing English is like translating one language into another for me, which is my barrier to break down.

Though House Cup events are coming but I have to fix them ASAP. Thank you for sparing your time for this!

:) Kenny


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Review #4, by SunshineDaisies Wandmaker

17th June 2015:
Hello again, Kenny!

First off, I'm glad you liked that present! I was pretty haunted by that last line, and I thought it should be immortalized, even if I barely know how to use photoshop :)

This is another interesting chapter! I love the way the plot is taking shape here! I especially liked the introduction of Umbridge with the Druids, and that you added the Druids back in this chapter. It definitely catches my attention. I'm also very interested in the wands! How does magic work without a wand? It's a really unique idea, and I'm looking forward to see how it will play out.

Alright, now for specifics! I'm going to focus on dialogue here, as that's mainly where the flow problems arise. The description read pretty smoothly this time.

I think the main problem is that you're using language that's too formal for the situation. In English, a lot of the time using a formal version of speech puts an unnecessary and unwanted emphasis on the words. In this chapter, it happens in two notable ways: you use the word "must" quite often, and you don't use contractions where you could.

"Must," is not used very often in English speech, (at least not in American speech) so when we do use it, it makes the sentence sound very dramatic. Examples:

ďRon, itís your training. You must perform magic with this substitute wand,Ē Harry admonished Ron.

ďI canít tell you. Itís a Wizarding World Top Secret,Ē said Harry. ďYou
must keep this confidential,Ē he repeated.

Both of these sentences would flow better if you replaced the word "Must" with something less formal. For example:

"You have to perform magic with this substitute wand." (perhaps with an emphasis on "have" if you feel the need.)

ďYou have to keep this confidential,Ē he repeated. In this case, there's definitely an emphasis needed, but it still sounds unnatural to use "must" italicizing have to gives the same meaning in a more natural tone. Alternatively, you could rephrase the sentence so it says "You cannot (or can't) tell anyone."

You aren't grammatically wrong at all, but these examples sound more like a person talking would.

My next point is contractions. When you use them, it's correct, it's when you don't use them that trips up the reader. Generally speaking, English speakers (again, at least American), use contractions whenever it's possible. Saying both words properly adds emphasis to the sentence, and in most cases the emphasis doesn't make sense there. Examples:

ďOh, yeah, but Hermione can perform nonverbal magic very well, so I will give it to her.Ē
Saying "I'll" give it to her sounds much more natural, especially when Ron's speaking.

ďI see. I will not tell anyone. Shall I examine your wand closely?Ē
Saying "Won't" instead of "will not" sounds much more like natural speech.

Mafalda will send an owl to the president of Gringotts. They have never forgiven Potter for breaking in there,Ē said Umbridge, smirking.

"They've" instead of "they have."

In some cases, it makes more sense to use the full words, but generally, people use contractions wherever possible.

These are tips you can also use in non-dialogue writing, as most people will read the same way they speak.

Just some suggestions to try out. :)

Author's Response: Thank you for your review, Katie!
Your advice is very helpful.
I'll fix the points you told me here soon.
(Maybe after House Cup.)

Showing examples in detail really helps me. Not a few readers stopped by and left advice, which are also helpful, but for me,
the suggestions showing examples are more useful, 'cause the chance to learn them was rare here.

Sorry for my short response for your long review.
I'll stop by and leave review on your page, too.

:)Kenny


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Review #5, by SunshineDaisies Godfather

3rd June 2015:
Hey there Kenny! Sorry it took me so long to get here! Real life got a bit busy for a while. (Busy and internet-less. It was terrible.)

Okay, so I really like the progression of the plot here! It's a simple step forward, just another mention of the Druids, but I like that. It's obviously important to the plot, but it isn't obnoxiously obvious. I'm a big fan of subtlety, personally, so I think this was an excellent way to start!

I loved the scene by the Black Lake. It was intense and dramatic, and certainly added a bit of suspense! It was a great way hold interest while subtly progressing the main plot. It's very reminiscent of the actual Harry Potter books, there's all sorts of smaller things going on all the time, and those scenes almost always contribute to the overarching plot at some point. I think your story matches up very well with that, which is always nice to read. However, I do think this scene was a bit confusing. I wasn't sure who was volunteering and who was training. I wasn't sure of who even was in the group! I think you could make it much clearer with a bit of tweaking.

I think your characterization was pretty on point too. Ginny is certainly someone who would make Harry rescue Padma first, and Harry would absolutely freak out when the stone didn't work immediately. It was an excellent example of showing their character. I'm not sure Ginny would concede so readily to Harry asking her not to volunteer. She seems more the type to respond to that by saying "I'll do what I please, thank you." But people sometimes react differently after a stressful event.

I'm not sure how I feel about Harry's animagus form being a horse. It just seems his character is much more suited to a stag, and I feel like Harry and Ginny both have such strong personalities that they wouldn't change for each other. Of course, this is more a matter of personal opinion than anything. (I have many, many thoughts about couples having matching patronuses.)

The only other thing I think you could work on is the dialogue. It reads pretty stiff and unnatural now, which makes it more difficult to read. Writing good dialogue is pretty difficult and takes a TON of practice to get right. My advice for that would be to practice! And listen to English songs/movies/TV shows etc. It'll help give you a grasp on the way people speak.

All in all, a very good second chapter!

Author's Response: Hey, Daisies, my secret santa.

Thank you so much for leaving long review.
I really apprecitate. I'm not good at writing longer one.

Thank you for your patience to read this dusty old one. With my beta's help I fixed some, but I learned the effort wasn't enough. If I can make time for this , I'll be back to fix them.

Thank you again! :)

P.S.
I really amazed by CI you sent me the other day.

Kenny




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Review #6, by dirtydeedsdonedirtcheap Godfather

27th May 2015:
Hey Kenny! Sorry for the late review request response. I finished a very demanding job and Iím graduating tomorrow so real life has been hectic. Anywho, letís get reviewing!

I wanted to say thank you for your keeping the incident in the bathroom to yourself.

Small typo, should be: thank you for keeping theÖ

The extra Ďyourí is not needed.

The pain he had held down inside his heart for years surfaced again. If Sirius was still alive, Harry could live with him anywhere they wanted like a real son and a real father.

I think this is believable. The thing about Harry is that he never letís himself work through anything. He just goes, goes, goes. Granted, he did mourn Sirius when it first happened but he lost so many people that his death and others are bound to bother him later on in life. Especially when things are going well for him because he doesnít have the ones he wants to share his new life and progress with. Sirius too was essentially the father he never had.

ďI agree, but there still remains the possibility that he might be attacked by other house students. And I donít think Umbridge and Lestrange have given up,Ē said Harry.

The story is definitely easier to read now that it has been edited but I think youíre still losing the mark on some things. Take for example this conversation with Ron here, it just ends and begins out of nowhere. I think I would like more fleshed out pieces or you could just do without the small talk. Youíre the writer so itís up to you.

I thought you did a wonderful job conveying Harryís worry over Ginny. For a second there I was convinced she wasnít going to make it. You described the entire scene from before they went into the water, to his memories and misgivings, to when he came out and Ginny was finally okay. The only critique I have is you make their goodbye rather abrupt. It almost feels like he doesnít care in the end or just wants to be away from her.

Was love for Ginny fading away?

Should be: Was his loveÖ

Wow, you wrote that song! Excellent job Kenny! Iím really impressed and the ending to the chapter made me chuckle. I would work still on the transitions because sometimes they are abrupt like I said in my examples above. Try making some of the scenes longer or connecting them in a way because too many short choppy scenes make the chapter confusing.

Other than that great read! You are definitely starting something interesting here.

Author's Response: Thank you, Deeds for leaving so many suggestions. I'd like to fix them all.

Talking of transitions, it's the most difficult one for me, so it'll take much time for me to master them. I had no idea to carry on this, but maybe reading other author's work will teach me something. Exploring various kinds of stories here will help me with this.

Many thoughts pop in my head, but it's more difficult to express them properly in English. My beta friends really do good for me. I deeply appreciate them.

Thank you again for sparing time for this!


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Review #7, by Hogwarts27 Assault

29th April 2015:
Excellent chapter with lots of action and losts of new developments. It just kept me reading to see what would happen next.

A wand battle, yes, I always enjoy a good battle. One minor point I might mention is that we're not told where the goblins are during the fight until it's over. I think it would be great to actually show how they manage to exit during a battle, so that it will make sense to the reader. But I enjoyed the scene nonetheless.

Oh, excellent power of the druidic spoon! So we get a good hint of what's waiting for Harry down the road.

I was happy to hear Snape agree that Draco always wavers between the light and dark side, as this has been my thought for much of the story. And of course Dumbledore wants to give him a second chance. I really enjoy not being able to predict which side Draco is on. And there is also the thought of Dara hanging around nearby, perhaps eavesdropping.

Author's Response: Thank you again for reading this, Hogwarts 27. I really appreciate you spare your time for this. Today I signed up another review battle in the forums, so I'm eager to read your story, yeah!

As you pointed out, I checked the battle I wrote, (I cursed myself that I found the same misspelling, again), then I also felt more detailed description was needed. So I'm looking forward to reading the next chapter of your goblin's story. Your description enlightens me.

Well, it's just a dream but in the future can we write together for something? It's still just a vague idea..but first discuss the plot, I'll supply the idea, you add your idea, detailed sentences, then discuss again on and on create something like John Lennon and Paul McCartney. What do you think?

If you can, please PM me when you have time.

Kenny



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Review #8, by Hogwarts27 Antidotes

29th April 2015:
Well, I really enjoying the unfolding of more love potion again. And the goblin meeting was also a good read. It seemed to go very easily, but then the attack made me think perhaps not.

Author's Response: Thank you for following this, Hogwarts27.
My description about Gringotts, I have no confidence compared with your spectacular work(blush). But you seemed to enjoy this, I'm happy to hear that.

I need to edit this chapter,detailed descriptions,too. Thank you for reminding me of these.


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Review #9, by Hogwarts27 Hermione Awakes

15th April 2015:
Great chapter again. I really enjoyed how Hermione was given the potion to make her wake up. And I appreciated the summary of what Harry still needs to do at the end. I wonder what's going on with the kiss at the end of the chapter. This is surely not Hermione's own behavior. It makes me wonder if this is Dara posing as Hermione, or whether it's love potion again.

Author's Response: Thank you again for your sparing time for this.

I think I like science so it may be easier to describe these potions scene than other things.

As you pointed, I need to do summary, and wonder how J.K.Rowling keeps writing without losing the prospects of her plot in her stories.
Some HP fans, especially who like Hermione, may hate the last scene, but I wanted just twists and turns.


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Review #10, by Hogwarts27 Dracoís Angst

15th April 2015:
Terrific chapter. I really enjoyed the scene between Harry and Draco. It's good that the story always makes me doubt Draco's true loyalty, so now we will see what happens. And we'll see whether Kingsley can hang on to the Ministry as well. Such a great plot.

Author's Response: I really appreciate you keep leaving review. I must fix the description part ASAP. Now I know a big plot needs more detailed description.

I'm glad you enjoyed the conversation between Harry and Draco.


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Review #11, by Hogwarts27 Daughter of the Most Loyal Family

12th April 2015:
The story problems are really starting to get solved. While I thought it was a little out of character for Harry to get drunk - canon Harry never seemed like the drinking type to me - I have to say you did a marvelous job describing the scene! It felt just like how a drinking type character would react, and of course, they always have a drinking friend. In this case, Seamus!

I also thought the love potion affair was settled too easily. Even though both sides realize that love potion causes a person not to be responsible for their actions, there were still hurt and fearful feelings for both Ginny and Harry that the couple never shared, that a real-life couple would certainly have talked about with each other, if only to make sure the other person was healed before expecting them to go forward. Nevertheless, the couple's reunion was really sweet and tender, and a feeling of instant forgiveness and mutual devotion really comes through.

All in all, I really enjoyed reading this chapter, and I look forward to finding out what will happen next.

Author's Response: Thank you for your encouraging words, again.
The book 6 of HP gave much influence on my writing. The style from Harry's point of view like J.K.Rowlings fits me well, though there're lots to be rewritten about describing Harty/Ginny relationship in my story.. My expression needs more improvement.

With a bit of ingenuity, I think we can write about twists and turns around their relationships , the authors will be able to create more attractive stories of Harty/Ginny ship combining romance with mystery and action as the others have tried in the past.


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Review #12, by Hogwarts27 Remedy Against Druidic Curse

12th April 2015:
Ah, Harry starts to make real progress in this chapter. A lovely read. I enjoyed it all. Everything was druid magic, so it was all new and interesting to me, yet it was just as believable as the potions and magical objects we know from the books. Here again, I have to say that you make druid magic a really good fit with the books. I enjoyed reading the potion ingredients and directions. Wow, talk about a long potion to brew! I hope Draco does it right, and manages to stay awake. On the other hand, he could decide to work against Harry and cause a problem. Either way would work great for a plot!

Author's Response: Hi, Hogwarts27, I appreciate that you keep following this. The druidic things are all my imagination, so I've been wondering if readers understand what I try to write about, so I'm simply happy to know you enjoyed this chapter.
Speaking of Draco's decision, I try to write him as a struggling young man to stand on the right place like Harry.


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Review #13, by Hogwarts27 Being Desperate For (2)

8th April 2015:
This chapter had a lot of scene changes going on, but what happened in the scenes was quite interesting, so I didn't really mind the fast pace. I had no trouble following the story as long as it was clear where the scenes were changing. The one place it wasn't clear to me right away that the scene was changing, was where Harry pulls on his invisibility cloak and enters the Entrance Hall, so you might think of doing a little clearer transition there if you ever edit. :) But if not, the reader quickly figures it out anyway, so it's not a big problem.

I know that it's much easier to write short scenes when writing in a second language. That said, even professional authors sometimes write very short scenes on purpose, which can be very effective in some cases, and I noticed an excellent example of that in this chapter - when Harry punches Dean.

I thought the Harry/Dean scene was actually brilliant because it was short. I thought the short conversation, short response, and abrupt exit was actually a very fitting way to move through the scene. And I loved Harry's exiting dialogue. If you ever edit, I think you might describe the punch a little more, like maybe the sound it makes, and whether Dean yells in pain because it has to hurt. But aside from that, I think a short scene actually works much better than a longer one in this case. And you give the reader a bit of a cliff-hanger ending, where we're left to imagine how Dean will recover from the blow. I really quite liked it that way.

I think the scene with Slughorn could have used just a little more dialogue, but that's a very minor point. You did some nice descriptions in that scene, and the scene served it's purpose when Ginny learned of the love potion.

I enjoyed reading this chapter, and I'm really enjoying this story plot. Whenever I come to this story, I know I will enjoy the adventure.

Author's Response: Your suggestions are really helpful. It'll take much more time till my beta readers on this but it's worth trying to add more information about the details to the scene of Harry and Dean by myself. With your review I became a highly motivated, thank you very much! :) Kenny

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Review #14, by Hogwarts27 Being Desperate For (1)

8th April 2015:
This chapter was a very nice read. I ike the way you brought out Harry's jealousy at seeing Ginny/Dean kissing and connected it to all the other scenes in the chapter. Because the kiss is so important through the whole chapter, if you ever decide to edit, I mighht suggest describing it just a little bit more for the reader. I don't think it needs a lot of detail, but I think just some hint of the physical closeness that goes along with kissing would be nice, so the reader can clearly picture the closeness of the couple that Harry is so offended by, along with Ginny's facial expression that you already emphasize quite well. But even if you never edit, the feeling of the kiss' importance is still understood.

Later on, the part where Harry and Dara kiss was a very nicely written scene, and you connected it very well to Harry's jealousy. The scene builds to a nice intensity, and even becomes a bit sensual, which I really enjoyed. I especially liked the part where Harry swears. His mild swearing was just the right way to express what he must have felt afterward. I thought the transition to St. Mungo's was little abrupt though. When St. Mungo's was mentioned right away after the couple broke apart, at first I wondered whether Dara seriously harmed Harry in some way. It took me a little while to realize it was just Hermione that Harry was still worried about. So I think a slower or clearer transition between those scenes would be helpful for the reader. :) But other than that, I really enjoyed this scene between Harry and Dara. Very well done.

I also liked the way you kept connecting the kisses between Harry/Dara and Ginny/Dean in the scenes that followed, both at St. Mungo's, and in Harry's conversation with Ron. This was a very nicely done chapter that I much enjoyed reading.

Author's Response: Thank you again. Your opinion is right to the point on describing some hint of the physical things. I've been unsure how much readers would understand my story so your honest review is really helpful.
I'd better think over the transition to St.Mungo's but wait, your misunderstanding will turn to a good twists and turns, so I may add some more around Dara and Harry...
there can be more ups and downs.


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Review #15, by Hogwarts27 Wrought Metals Goblins Made

8th April 2015:
Just the title of this chapter sparked my interest.

There was some fast jumping from one short scene to another in this chapter, which I didn't have any trouble following, but I worry I may forget things when short scenes go by so fast.

I enjoyed the part when Andromeda told Harry about the goblin metals vs the sword of Gryffindor. I doubt that goblins would accept these metals in place of the sword, but this makes me wonder what new thing might come into the story because of these metals. Once again, your imagination about this fits so well with the HP world.

I enjoyed the curse-breaking scene and failure. And exploring Harry's vault. I think Harry means to use that mirror on Ginny's mind. And he has a few items to offer the goblins now. A very nice chapter.

Author's Response: I feel thankful that you keep following this story.

Speaking of metals, I had only blur image, so I need to reread my story again for the next series. Yet I remember that I set the other plot after this. Yeah, I agree with you that goblins wouldn't accept the offer.

It's easier for me to write action scene than other genres though my expression isn't enough. Perhaps my beta reader will point them out.


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Review #16, by AlexFan Apothecary

8th April 2015:
First off Iím so sorry that itís taken me over a month to get to this but Iíve been crazy busy and I honestly just havenít had the time. (And I should also mention that Iíll be reviewing as I read along with the story just so you know).

First off, Iíd just like to say that I find it really interesting how you chose to tell this story from the point of view of a Druid, I really havenít seen any other story like that on the archives. The first thing that I wanted to point out right off the bat was that you mentioned Daraís appearance twice, the first time with the description and the second time when her father mentions how much she looks like her mother. And I mention this because it feels a little repetitive because youíve told the reader what Dara looks like and then it just feels like youíre repeating what youíve already said.

I got the feeling while reading this that there were certain things that had taken place because of how you referenced to them which left me a little bit confused because I havenít read the entire story preceding this one so Iím not entirely sure whatís going on or what happened such as the fight that Harry talks about where he almost lost Ron.

I thought your characterization of the characters was really good, I especially liked Ron so well done on that because itís not always easy to write characters that have already been established by the author. I liked how you included the problem with Slytherin students being bullied because after the Wizarding War itís definitely something that I can see becoming a problem at Hogwarts. I like how you brought that up and acknowledged that it wasnít only the Gryffindors that were bullying the Slytherins but also other houses.

I just wanted to take a moment to talk about Ernieís actions because it was eating away at me. Itís not that he did the wrong thing because he definitely shouldíve taken points away from Hufflepuff for what the girls did to Astoria but at the same time, itís only ten points and everyone is making a bigger deal out of it is. I mean, these girls attacked a student and left her alone in a classroom without thinking about whether or not she would be okay, it seems like they deserve a harsher punishment than just ten points. Okay back to the actual review.

I know that English is not your first language and I really admire that youíre confident to write in it and ask for help because not many people do that. I think your story has a lot of potential and is already off to a really good start so keep up the good work. I would suggest getting a beta reader since theyíll be able to pick up on grammar mistakes that you may slip up on and help you smooth out your sentences.

Author's Response: Thank you, AlexFan, I really appreciate that you didn't forget review request.

Speaking of a beta reader, she is working on this chapter right now,and she's a very good beta with much advice but she also has her own novel to write, so it'll take much longer till the rewritten one is up. If you have time for this, please stop by again and see how it would be improved.

Yes, your suggestion is right to the point. I think ten points from Ernie's house is far too little. Thank you very much!

Kenny :)


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Review #17, by Hogwarts27 Conference

7th April 2015:
Hi, I enjoyed this chapter. Ron is going to act like a man and protect the woman he loves. Right away I looked forward to seeing if he would succeed when a threat comes, but I thought it might not come for a while - ha ha, no it comes soon. Your security question - what did Harry say when we kissed the first time - is this the moment? - was one of my favorite funny lines from the books. Some readers may not remember that little joke, but I laughed right away.

I really liked the scene where Nott sneaks up on Hermione from behind. The threatening moment with Nott was so good that I wished it had been just a little longer, as it only lasted about 2 sentences. Even so, the feeling of menace does come through. And we definitely get the feeling that Nott doesn't want to challenge Ron in a fight by the way he puts his wand away when he sees him.

Now, this is not a criticism, rather just a comment, because authors can portray characters in any way that works best in stories. I found it interesting that you had Hermione behave sort of like a damsel in distress with Ron, when she says "Oh Ron I was scared" and then falls into Ron's arms after the encounter with Nott. And how you emphasize Ron taking on the role of protector because it's his job as an auror, and maybe also because he wants to be a protective boyfriend. This is a little different than how I usually thought of them in the books, where Ron wasn't always the most reliable boyfriend, and often had real confidence problems in many areas. He didn't even act very mature yet, so in your story he strikes me as much more mature, and more confident. And I always pictured canon Hermione as a very capable witch and a good dueler - even better than Ron, in fact - who was never afraid to defend herself when she had to, and always showed courage in the face of danger. This is the girl who hit Malfoy in the face in Book 3, and decided to ride a dragon out of Gringotts in Book 7, and fought Death Eaters in the Battle of Hogwarts. So in my own mind, I wouldn't think Nott pulling a wand on canon Hermione would really shake her up at all, considering he's no more than a former classmate. I imagine Hermione would be able to take him on in a duel quite well, even if he surprised her. So that's just the thought comparison that came to mind as I was reading. As I said, there is no right or wrong way to portray a character, and you just choose what's best for the story. In this story, Ron and Harry are aurors who are protecting the women they love, so it's fitting to make the girls the targets of danger.

I also enjoyed Pansy's love potion plan. I have a feeling that Pansy probably used polyjuice to give it to Ginny. So trouble must be coming.

Author's Response: Your opinions around Cannons is right to the point. In my story, Hermione got nervous, helpless. The existence of two Gryffindor boys made her strong in the past, I think. The battle of Hogwarts and the experience that she was treated cruelly by Bellatrix made her a little weak compared to her younger days, most of the times women are strong but sometimes men must protect them and of course, Ron became a reliable knight for her. I 've trusted him since the last dynamic victory at the real wizard chess of book 1. And I predicted he would come back after the quarrel with Harry in the book 7, was so excited to read he helped Harry from the icy lake.

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Review #18, by Hogwarts27 Sly Tricks of Slytherins

7th April 2015:
Great scene with Nott and Malfoy. I'm looking forward to see how this will play out. And Hermione nearly has the answer for the curse, so we're getting closer. I really enjoyed the end scene with Myrtle. I had to laugh at the thought of Pansy peeping at Harry.

Author's Response: Hi, again. Talking of Nott, I'm reading 'A Girl from Slytherin' right now. The author writes him more gentle so far, I enjoy the difference.
Do you like Pansy peeped at Harry? Yeah, I think she has some feeling towards a war hero.

The forums game and event won't get me keep reading your novel, but I promise to come back to yours. :) Kenny


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Review #19, by Hogwarts27 Girl Talk

7th April 2015:
Nice side plot development in this chapter with the hottest witch and wizard. I enjoyed how Harry discovers that Nott certainly seems guilty of something. And I'd say Draco probably helped with whatever he's up to.

Author's Response: Thank you, again for following this story. I really appreciate. My awesome beta is working on the first chapter, and another beta will start basic things from the next months,plus your review will make this story better one.

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Review #20, by HermyLuna2 Apothecary

3rd April 2015:
Hi,

About the missing articles everything is said already, so I won't go into that. It's great that you have found a beta reader!

Your beginning is great to me. I love it when stories have a bit of a fairytale-like view and this one really combines the magic of Harry Potter with the magic of fairytales. The only thing that feels a little bit off is that there isn't much background information given about the Druid clan or the chieftan, just about his pretty daughter. While the description of Dara was lovely, it could seem a bit shallow to some if that's the first and only thing that's focused on. I know that probably wasn't your intention, so keep that in mind!

The trio part was confusing me a bit. Who is this Proudfoot? I assume it's their Auror trainer, but it's not totally clear.
I really liked the sentence She looked more beautiful in the Great Hall, bright magical morning sunshine of the ceiling was pouring over her long red hair, but the repeating of the word beautiful is a bit too much. Maybe you could change it the first time for pretty? Anyway, I love how you made Harry show his affections for Ginny. For some reason, most writers never do that enough!

I like the idea of Malfoy working in an apothecary! Because he always was the favorite student of Snape, I can imagine he would have been more motivated for Potions and also motivated to start his own business (with some Galleons from daddy of course). You described the apothecary very well, I could picture everything easily. I love how you portrayed Harry's conflicted emotions towards Draco; how Snape's allegiance and memories made him think differently about Slytherin, before Draco reminded him again that really, not much had changed except for Harry's own opinion. It's always good to add inner conflicts of characters, the changes of heart they have and the assumptions they make as a result of that and whether these do or do not match with reality.That really adds depth to a character, like you have done here in only one sentence. That is really good!

You keep the trio really in character as well, such as with their way of speaking, that we are reminded that Ron loves to be in the spotlight while Harry doesn't, Harry wanting to buy a gift for Hermione and Neville and the contrast with Malfoy, who is only remembered for his father's sins, adding to a life long of having to hand his own fame and status to Harry, who always beats him in that regard, and the way Malfoy tried to touch the stones because of course he has a blatant disregard for everything and is quite greedy. You portray the deeper dynamics perfectly. The fact that Harry and Ron are on Chocolate frog cards was a really cute touch.
Harry and Ron watching Malfoy and, at the same time, help him so he could stay was also a great idea because it makes for a lot of conflicted feelings, and they are always very interesting!

It was good that you added the detail of the moving portrait. Such things are often forgotten, but they help so much to recreate the wonderful atmosphere of the books, and I personally am really fond of them. I think most readers are. A supposedly trivial thing such as a character 'casually' looking at a picture is a GREAT way to introduce a story theme because it seems natural. Good job on that. I also loved your description of the picture, it was quite poetical.

I really liked it that Harry couldn't buy the stones, and that they were really precious. I mean, I didn't like it for Harry, but it already gives them an air of mystery.

It was also a very original and at the same time very realistic idea that you made the Slytherins as pariahs bullied by students from other houses post-war. It reminds me of the girlfriends from German soldiers being shunned after WW2. Of course Hermione would want to put a stop to this. That was very in character for her. Likewise, that other students such as Ernie are concerned with this and not only Hermione or other Gryffindors is very realistic. Also, Ron's comment 'Us?' is exactly what he would have said! I like how you introduced the budding romance between Draco and Astoria with him helping her, and introducing a minor character Harry recognizes is SUCH a great detail! Writing a compelling story is all about the details and coincidental connections and you understood that very well. Having Maisie realising her error of having hexed Astoria through her gratefulness for Harry was a good idea. I can't get over how good you are at what I call 'grayscale' situations... Maisie would not have realised the error of her ways on her own. Which is human, we usually don't. But you made her gratefulness to Harry the cause of her regret, and that is so much better in a story than when you would have her regret it because Harry told her she had to be. It's also a great example to show Harry's great reputation as a helper of others. You reminded us again that Harry is considered to be such a hero that other students control themselves for him, he inspires them to become a better version of themselves. That is realistic for his character.

It's also a great touch that you let McGonagall have an eye for the current prejudice in Hogwarts and try to ease that by making a Slytherin Head boy, and making Ernie agree is such a good touch to add depth to his character. I like it that you took the time to do that to characters such as Ernie, which most writers would consider to be minor.

You were also very true to Ginny's character, showing how she stands up for the weaker students with her signature hex, no matter if the students are Slytherins or not. That also shows that Ginny has gotten over her old prejudices.

All in all, you captured the atmosphere and style of the books almost PERFECTLY in this chapter. Reading this is almost like I'm reading something written by JK Rowling, I'm not exaggerating! When I have time I will read the other chapters. Well done!

Author's Response: Wow, I think I've got the longest review for the first time in my life. I'm speechless feeling just awe. Thank you so much!

Your comment on Snape and Malfoy was one of things I'm impressed with :
"how Snape's allegiance and memories made him think differently about Slytherin, before Draco reminded him again that really, not much had changed except for Harry's own opinion. It's always good to add inner conflicts of characters, the changes of heart they have and the assumptions they make as a result of that and whether these do or do not match with reality.That really adds depth to a character, like you have done here in only one sentence."
I'm working on this right now after my awesome beta reader helped me, I might add your suggestion.

Yeah, you're right, I'm no good at describing around woman's beauty, you know, I wrote about it in the past blog. I had no idea when I wrote this at the first time, so I just repeated the word, beautiful. Thanks for pointing it out.

Proudfoot is one of Aurors, I think J.K.Rowling mentioned about him a bit in her book, somewhere. The name may be a nickname but I set it as the last name in my third novel. If you have time, please keep reading.

You understand my plot very well, I never encoutered such a further approach before.
I'm sorry I don't have enough skill to show my appreciation for this, I should respond as long as you did for me, but I'd like to say just thank you. :)









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Review #21, by Nina Labyrinth

3rd April 2015:
I am sorry to say this, but you use eh to much.

Author's Response: Thank you, Nina. Even the shortest one, I appreciate for that.


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Review #22, by Hogwarts27 Slither Again

2nd April 2015:
Hmm, Hermione gets attacked but no proof that Draco and Nott did it. And Draco is acting very secretive with his potions, and not acting very
friendly toward Harry. This feels like there might be a plot twist coming and that these two are up to something. Good chapter.

Author's Response: Thanks, again. :)
Yes, I've written about Draco like he was AU chacter a bit as the other reviewer pointed that in my first story, so in this chapter I let him be more Malfoy-like (I think, it's not proper English). But I like the way of Dumbledore, so well, I won't say more, 'cause it'll be a spoiler. ;)


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Review #23, by Hogwarts27 Tactics

2nd April 2015:
A nice change of pace in this chapter where you show us the struggle for power in the leadership of the Ministry. I enjoyed the scene where Ginny starts feeling a little jealous and insecure about Dara. But my favorite scene was the one between Draco and Nott. This again raises my suspicion of whose side Malfoy is really on.

Author's Response: Hi, again.:)
Thank you for following this. I wasn't sure how I could write about romance but I tried writing about Ginny's feeling towrads Harry. From then I have read other authors' brilliant ones, I think I had better add more details around that.


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Review #24, by Hogwarts27 Confrontation

2nd April 2015:
Great chapter, full of exciting action. I enjoyed all of it. The flight into the Gringotts underground felt dangerous, dark, and just a little creepy, as it should. There was good suspense and a nice battle scene with Death Eaters and the snake, yes certainly a fake. You did a lovely job writing Rodolphus Memory about Bella. And I really enjoyed the scene where Hermione is rescued. It was terrific, and just got even more exciting when the real snake appeared. I had a great time reading this.

And to respond to your answer to my last reviews, yes, I know it's a real struggle to write in a second language, and that it takes hours longer to get a decent word count. I struggle with German, and would never attempt to write even a short story in that language, so I know exactly what you mean.

I'm a reader who likes magical adventure stories best, and I think your plot is just terrific. And that makes it easy for me to just ignore the little mistakes you make with English, because they are really minor and don't get in the way of my enjoying the story or getting drawn into the scenes. In fact, I'm amazed at what a good job you do with scenes sometimes and with such good descriptions, that I'm sure were a real effort for you to write, and they really are an enjoyable read.

In the end it's up to you to decide whether you enjoy writing in English enough to keep doing the extra work. I just applaud you for having written so much already and for sharing it. Many fanfic writers never finish even one novel in their own language, and you're already working on your third novel in English. That's a real accomplishment to be proud of, and it just makes you super awesome. :))

Author's Response: Wow, three reviews in sequence, I really appreciate, Hogwarts27. You understand how much I spent the time for this chapter.

The impression of Bella of the movie was strong for me, so I put the scene in this chapter.

Your comment about creating magical adventure stories really encourages me.
I'm losing my confidence everytime I read the other super author's story these days, so your reviews really help me.

It may take much time to write again, but your encouragement gave me power to hang on.

I shouldn't write the comment here, but I'd like to say, I suggest you should wirte about your Dumbledore's story. Many readers are waiting for you and I will read your sequence, too. I promise.


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Review #25, by Hogwarts27 Underground

2nd April 2015:
The plot of this story is really great! It's so different from other fanfic plots I usually find, and full of imagination. I enjoyed all of this chapter. I like the way you showed us what Bill needed to do to try to break the curse. And I felt pretty sorry for Harry when he couldn't trust having something to drink. It was nice to see Harry trying out his wands, so we can know what to expect from them. I also enjoyed the scene with Sirius and the song at the lake. Your description made it feel mysteriously magical. And it was a relief when the cursed scars got removed. At least some things are going right! But of course, there is still trouble to come.

Author's Response: Thank you again, your words touch the very core of my heart. I know my expression isn't enough to be read, from the start I'm left behind,for example while you can hit 3000 , it takes much time for me to squeeze out only 500 words or so. So your review that you could understand the plot is a beam of hope for me.

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