Oh my goodness, I absolutely love this story. I wasn't appalled, not even a little bit :) I think it was very sweet. I'm an Albus fan ;) I really enjoyed the way you transitioned between the past and presence - it was smooth and kept the story moving nicely. It was simply written but I find that to be a very good thing. It doesn't mean you're a simple writer, I think you're a very talented writer - but realistically, I think you have the dialogue down to a tee. It flowed when I read it as it would if it were being done in real life. It's refreshing to read. I'm all for an Austen novel, but I like to read something I can relate to :) Very well done. I'm going to go see what else of yours I can read.

- Kate :) /365daysdone@tda

Author's Response: Oh wooow hello there, Kate! Welcome to my silly land of fluff and cliches ;)

Albus fans for the win! Wow, your words flatter me to my core! That sounded weird...right, so I really appreciate this review.

This one-shot is favourite of mine because of the dialogue between Katie and Albus. I hoped to make it seem realistic. Oh and I hope the situation itself was very realistic too. A friend falling for another friend seems to happen fairly often.

Right, well thanks again for leaving such a flattering and amazing review!

-Jack

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I liked it, no worries there. I like pretty much anything you write. I'M NOT A STALKER.

So, I liked the flashbacks, they were very smoothly integrated with the story, and the flashbacks that were essentially a mini story were very well handled.

Your characters have a lot of personality, I can feel for Katie and Al despite only knowing them for one chapter.

This story was as sweet as you can get, pretty much. I loved the ending. :)

Keep up the great stories!

Author's Response: This one is a bit closer to my heart :P Oh good, I was worried that you were a stalker for a moment. I checked my windows though, just to be safe. Heh

Yes...flashbacks are my specialty ;) I should branch out from those too *stares at the wall in frustration*

Oh good! I was hoping their friendship-where-one-person-has-more-feelings-for-the-other was somewhat realistic :P

The ending is uber fluffy, ha. I blush whenever I read it.

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I love how you merged the story by flashing back into the past and then smoothly transitioning back into the present.

It's amazing and I love it :D
Your stories are all perfection.

Author's Response: Yay, you're back again :D

Thanks, some people are not a fan of my use of flashbacks, so this review is very flattering :P

Wow, thanks again,
soapman333

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Hi hun, here for your review, sorry its a few days late, been busy in RL but here it is! (Don't know why I couldn't be logged in for this - it says I should be, but I'm not. Weird :/ ... Ah well!)

“You would take a bullet for any book, any day,” she explains, getting up and snatching her book back before I could probably decipher her hand writing. - PROPERLY?? Probably = a chance, possibility etc. Properly = correctly. I think you meant the latter here.

Our constant bickering drove the professors insane and we were re-seated, but that didn’t keep us from throwing parchments, quills, ink bottles, and books, well, Katie threw the books, at each other. - GRAMMAR NAZI. Reading this sentence how it is is rather confusing. Try this :)

* Our constant bickering drove the professors insane and we were re-seated, but that didn’t keep us from throwing parchments, quills, ink bottles and books (well, Katie threw the books) at each other. *** Grammatically, my version might not be 100% correct as I am tired atm, but how you wrote it it did come across long winded and as Albus had made a "thought" within it, it should be withing parenthasis, at the very least, to identify it as more of a humourous anicdote or thought he had whilst the story was being told, if that makes sense..

We arrived, shivering under our cloaks, to the Greenhouse and waited for our professor. - GRAMMAR NAZI. This sentence might read better as...
*** We arrived, shivering under our cloaks, at the Greenhouse and waited for our professor. - By saying "at" rather than "to", it makes it flow nicer and in the same tense, rather than changing tenses after describing what they were doing (aka, shivering).

It’s our fifth year and we’re stuck in the broom cupboard, hiding from my exe, Susie Brown. (GN - ex, not exe)

She smiles at me, for the first time, lightening up her big, blue eyes. - GN. lightening (to lighten), lighting (glowing, radiating etc). Whilst what you said was technically correct (and not lightning - eg, thunder and...), by writing lightening, rather than just simple lighting, it seems out of place, despite having the same meaning, due to tense issues. I would suggest changing it to simply lighting.

OK, now that those things are over and done with - I just noticed those in particular as I was reading and thought they should be pointed out (sorry I know it wasn't exactly what you asked for, but regardless...), onto the things you asked me to cover :)

You did weave the flashbacks in correctly, some left off early and were picked up on later on which you could relate back to the aforementioned flashback, so nice work. However, I am not nor have I ever been a fan of flashbacks - this is not meant to be insulting, its just my view on them. I think FB's are "lazy" because when I started writing FF nearly 10 years ago, EVERYONE and their dog was doing it and it just became tacky and my tollerance for them became pretty low, and hasn't picked up much. I just think that if you're going to write a story with flash backs, there's more creative ways and methods of doing it, yanoe?

I would've liked to have seen more characterisation in this. You did show us a bit, but as this story was mostly dialogue and very little description, I couldn't really connect with the characters as much as I would've liked to. Description is a wonderful thing, even if it's adding more things in like the tone of their voice when they said things, or what they were wearing or could see or smell or more of the environment they were in (eg, cobwebs in the broom cupboard), it just would've made the story seem more "real", and therefore the characters too. Not saying you didn't do a good job with them, they were fun and served the purpose well that you were going for, but they could've been "more", if that makes sense? Also, there was a few times you changed between tenses (present and past, outside of the flashbacks...)

As for the realism, that comes back again to being able to envision it - yes I could, but to really have connected 100% with it, more description would've been lovely, a little more character development and just with the general writing style of flashbacks, they could've been a bit more subtly written I suppose, but still have the same effect.

It was a sweet happy little story though and the ending did give me a moment of "aw.", great finishing sentence! Maybe consider getting a friend or a beta reader to have a look at this just to see what they think about my corrections even to make sure they're worth doing (as I said, kinda tired atm lol). But a cute, happy little one shot and I hope that you found this review helpful in some way, thanks for requesting! Bobby xx

Author's Response: Oh, sorry you're not a fan of flashbacks...ha there goes this story. I wanted to properly portray a long friendship in this shorter work, and I chose to do that through flashbacks. I was mostly just avoiding having to write a whole novel after this story.

I do understand that there are more creative ways to approach it, but this is the first time that I've tried the "flashback technique," so, looking at it from my perspective, this was creative...man, I feel bad :/ sorry!

I've actually noticed those mistakes while re-reading through it, but I honestly just haven't had the time to go back and change them just yet, but it's on my to-do list! I'll probably follow this review so I don't miss anything, thanks :D. It's sad, but I always miss some kind of grammatical problem when I upload a story, and I think it's just the fact that I'm only human and I make mistakes. This is where the idea of a beta-reader comes in, so I'll look into it. Honestly, this is one of my first one-shots and I'm just happy that it's decent (for the most part).

I have a huge problem (that you have noticed) of hiding behind my dialogue. Ironically, it's a habit that developed when I was experimenting with my writing style. I went through a phase where I would only write dialogue with the intent to force my readers to visualize the characters/settings without my help. It was very interesting to see the differences between readers when I questioned them about the stories. The characters described as "good-looking" were visualized differently in each mind, etc.

That all being said, I would like to go back and add more descriptive paragraphs in this story at some point in my FF career, but my RL has gotten fairly hectic too.

Thanks for taking the time to write such a helpful review,
soapman333

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I do like your valentine stories very much.
This one moved me because it can be just like that, in love with a friend. Always trieing to make them see how amazing you are.

I do feel for Albus too though, how are you supposed to know someone likes you if they never told you.

you write well, and you make me smile while I read. I like that!

x

Author's Response: Welcome back :D!

This one-shot is, by far, my favorite. I'm uber happy that you enjoyed it too.

Oh Katie...I developed something of a "crush" for her when I wrote this story, but I'm grateful that you could see where Albus was coming from too.

Woot! Yay, thanks for the wonderful compliments :D They brighten my day!

Jack

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Hi, here for the review swap.

This was epic!! Thank you so much for posting such an amazing story onto HPFF! I don't think that there is anything bad that I can comment on!

This was an amazing, beautiful story and I loved it:)

Good job!
BS

Author's Response: Wow, thank you for this uber flattering review! :D I'm glad you enjoyed it. This is my favorite story that I have up :)

soapman333

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This is one of the best one-shots I've read in a while! You do an amazing job of really giving the characters a ton of personality in such a short amount of time. I also love the flashbacks mixed in with the present moments, I think it adds so much to the story! I thoroughly enjoyed reading this; good job!
-ShadowRose

Author's Response: Oh wow, this is super flattering! Thank you :D Yeah, I have a obsession with putting flashbacks in my stories :P, but I'm glad you like it! Wow, thanks for this wonderful review.

soapman333

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Hey!! Okay I really want to say Something meaningful, seriously, but this is just so cute!

It's adorable!! I loved the characters and I really loved the situation. I also like how u tied things up in the end w the title. Great job!!

Author's Response: This one's a favorite of mine :)

I think it sums up guys in a nice concise story. Basically, we're oblivious to everything.

I'm glad you liked it and thanks for reviewing!

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This is adorable. The formatting and the series of events is perfect.
I will surely read it again someday and just smile.

Author's Response: Why thank you :D this is a favorite of mine. I'm glad you've enjoyed it, too.

soapman333

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Hi! Faux here for the swap. So, before I start with general review-stuff, I'd like to say that I'm not the person who goes around "aww" in left and right, but there were a few moments here when I couldn't help but "awww."

The overall plot of the story is, obviously, adorable, but what I really like are the small details. For example, Katie's "doe-eyes." Doe-eyes=doe=Lily=parallel between past and future. I love Katie's character overall. She's very real, with a protective outer layer of playfulness that shields what's underneath.

I do have a problem with one part of the story - Katie's line: "Good! I don't think I've been felt up this much since my cousin visited last summer."
Right. Not sure if I'm interpreting this wrong, but it sounds like an allusion to familial sexual abuse. As someone who's had experience with that kind of thing, I have to say that offhand jokes about it are really, really, unfunny. I'm sorry if I'm being weird and misinterpreting, though.

Very cute! Thanks for the swap.
Faux.

Author's Response: Hello there, thanks for the awesome review! Wow, I'm glad that I got you to "aww" ;) such an honour.

I'm happy somebody picked up on the doe-eye allusion :) Yes, she kind of hides herself underneath her responsibility of "best-friendship". Thanks!

Oh snap, I forgot about that part. I think I put it in as an attempt for her to keep the mood in the closet "light," but I can see where a massive interpretation within the context can arise. It's totally fine, I'll probably go in and change that part (as well as the million grammatical errors)

Thanks again for reviewing, very helpful comments,
soapman333

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I absolutely loved this! The way you integrated all of the flashbacks was superb, well done! :)

Author's Response: I can't help but notice that you've read all three of my one-shots ;), that's super flattering, thanks! This one is definitely my favorite of the three (hopefully yours too).

Thanks for your wonderful feedback(s),
soapman333

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So perfect. Just... write so many more stories and never stop.

Author's Response: As long as you keep reading them ;)

soapman333

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Hey there!

That was so sweet I'm almost sad it wasn't longer. It's such a sweet thing to see, teenage love, even though it's the one that hurts the most and leaves the deepest marks. As you get older... Meh... You get distracted by life to really make up the scenarios in your head that go with first loves.

Your writting has potential, I can see it here but what I'd like to see from you is more description. Try to set up the scene a bit for us. I realize Albus is a boy and won't notice clothes or make-up or anything like that, but maybe if you emphasized a bit on body language, we'd be able to pick up that she fancies him before he does and that would make this even sweeter.

I'm looking forward to reading more from you!

Ral

Author's Response: Hey Ral,
Thank you for reading and reviewing! It's very true, they're the best and the worst.

Yeah...I kind of developed a habit of using dialogue to build the suspense and plot. I'm guessing that kind of writing style is not favorable for most fluffy-puffy romance stuff ;).

Thanks for your helpful feedback,
soapman333

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Hi there! You seemed very excited about this on the forums, and now I see why! This is an incredibly sweet one shot.

I hope you don't mind if I offer some bits of CC-- just skip the next paragraph if you do!

First, I like what you did with the flashback. But (and this is a complete stylistic opinion) I wasn't crazy about them being bolded. I think just italicizing them would be plenty. The bold just makes reading the feel harsh, if that makes sense. You had a few issues with your dialogue punctuation. If you want, you can PM me and I'll explain what :).

You really allowed us to get to know our characters, and I loved that! I like that their first meeting was so dramatic. It was a fun way to think of them starting out their friendship :).

I liked the honest way that Katie asked Albus if he'd ever fancied her. The poor guy was a bit confused, wasn't he? Don't worry, Al, you'll spend the majority of your life that way ;).

The only thing that I think would have benefited this, is if we'd have gotten a bit more resistance from Katie. A young girl telling her best friend of years that she had a crush on him (has a crush on him) is a really hard thing. The way she just casually told him didn't add up to the other aspects of her you built. If she was so comfortable with explaining her feelings, then it doesn't make sense that she'd have a fake boyfriend and play those sort of games. I liked that you added that bit about Todd, because that's something I really can see a teenage girl doing. I may have known one that did something similar once upon a time. ;). I just think you need to add something more in the section that she tells him.

After she asked if he ever fancied her and he says no, maybe having her drop it and having Al ask why she asked, then having her really uneasy about telling him may fit better than her matter of fact way. But, that didn't take from the fact that I thought this was a really sweet piece.

I think you did such a good job showing the flashbacks. Little things that events crazily significant, but showed us what had been going on 'behind the scenes' and built up really great characters.

Thanks for brightening up my afternoon with this lovely one shot, m'dear ♥

Jami


Oh! Also! I wanted to mention how much I loved that you took them full circle with ending on the same note about 'you'd only tease me.' That was very creative and cute ♥

Author's Response: THANK YOU! I love the forum folks, so this is really exciting to get feedback from one. I don't know why I bolded them, but I'll go back and edit that out.

So you didn't get confused with the flashbacks at all, right? I tried to make everything straightforward (PM me).

I was kind of going for the "If I'm going to tell you that I like you, I'm going to do it now, and casual, so I don't get hurt" kind of a thing, but I can see how that contradicts her personality.

Thanks again, I enjoyed your feedback,
soapman333


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This was so cute! Oh my gosh I loved it! I think you did a wonderful job letting us get to know the two characters of Al and Katie, and I loved their dynamics. The best friend relationship was totally believable, and I thought it was such a boy move when Al didn't realize that Katie fancied him! Haha. I also loved the flashbacks! This was really well written overall, and was a really fun read! 10/10
Cassie :)

Author's Response: Wow! Thanks! I really enjoyed writing it. I think I re-read it a million times before adding, so I could do my characters justice. I tried to make it as realistic as I could, while keeping a nice "rom-com" feel.

Thanks again,
soapman333

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I absolutely loved this. It was the sweetest, gentlest thing I've ever read.

Author's Response: Thank you! I tried to make it believable :) definitely my favorite one-shot that I've written so far.

soapman333

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