AW. That was so cute, and the last bit was actually exactly as I had imagined it. You did really well as per the fragments, I really liked it! I've never thought Narcissa really loved Lucius, but I could honestly see this happening. Overall, fantastic job with this:)
xox, miluv (from the forums haha)Author's Response: Hey! Thanks for reading and reviewing.
I am glad you found this cute, and liked the ending too, as well as the fragments. I am pleased you can see this happening. Thanks a ton! Report Review
Hello! You requested this review some time ago from TGS, and I'm very sorry about the wait. Hopefully it's still of use to you, though I have to warn you now that these kind of fluffy stories are not my strong point, so I'm not sure how much I can actually offer you in terms of feedback. It's been a while since I've read something about the Malfoys, too.
In this story, you explore Narcissa and Lucius's relationship in an interesting way. It's a tough thing to do because the books provide so little about them as a couple - we see far more of what they're like as parents with their influence on Draco's life. There are still many questions about how the Malfoys came to be married, why they only have one child (perhaps they were just lucky to have a son right away, or perhaps there are other things we never hear about), and how the War impacted on their relationship. What you've done in this story provides some solid insight into these big questions, and by using Narcissa's point of view, you're able to capture her side of the story extremely well.
The narration is definitely a strength of this story - you give her voice a formality that suits her heritage, and what I liked best was the way that the narration enhanced the dialogue. As a child she sounds meek and obedient in dialogue while her narration revealing insecurity and uncertainty as she finds herself suddenly in a relationship with Lucius. What I don't see, and what I think would have enhanced your portrayal of Narcissa, is more of the strength she possesses as an adult. She did incredible things to protect her son, both times behind her husband's back, but here she doesn't seem to show that kind of development from the obedient youngest daughter to the witch who defied Voldemort. While I agree with you that she would worry a lot, she also is an active player in events, not just the person on the sidelines that you have in the final two sections. If you could convey this strength within those sections, it would do much to strengthen your portrayal of Narcissa and, perhaps more importantly, provide more emotional impact.
Please let me know if you want to discuss this in greater detail. Your story has potential and it would be wonderful to see more stories about Narcissa, particularly in the first person. Nice work with this story! :)Author's Response: Hey! Thanks so much for reading and reviewing, no worries about the delay.
I am pleased you found the way I explored the Lucius/Narcissa relationship interesting. Yeah I sort of put most of my head canon in this story, and I wasn't too sure how well I did it, so it's great to hear that you think I have captured Narcissa's side of the story nicely.
I am glad you liked the narration and the dialogue, and the way her personality shows through it. Hmm, thanks for your helpful advice. If/when I do an edit, I'll see what I can do about showing Narcissa's 'strength'.
I am glad you liked the story overall, I love writing Narcissa so it's always good to hear feedback. Thank you =)
Hello! I'm here for a bit of review tag!
When I was trying to decide which of your stories to read, I was instantly compelled by this one. We all have those moments in our lives that define us and our lives, so I like the concept.
I myself have written and read quite a lot of stories using fragmentation and I thought you did it well! Not only is there a fragmentation between stories, but even within each section itself. I don't mean that the story is missing information or characterization, but highlights the things that Narcissa remembered the most. You really bring out her humanity in this piece. She doesn't really remember every aspect because you don't give us tons of descriptions - that would seem too stilted, in my opinion. That being said, I really enjoyed this story. I don't always read the Malfoys because I normally hate the way fanfiction writers characterize them as totally evil people. However, you've made them very human. We're not disconnected with their personalities like many other fanfiction stories, but given the opportunity to like them.
The only bit of criticism I have concerns your dialogue. I like the formal, old-world feel of the dialogue because it reflects their position as purebloods. However, there were a few places that deviated from this formal tone and jilted me out of the story a bit. One, in particular, is this line: "Dobby, be quick and prepare and bring me some milk for Draco." - I would suggest looking over the dialogue, especially in the last section. This is just my opinion, however.
Overall, I really enjoyed this piece. I thought it was admirable and made me actually like Narcissa!
ShelbyAuthor's Response: Hey! Thanks for reading and reviewing. Sorry for the delay in responding.
I am pleased you liked the concept of this, thanks.
Its great to hear that you think that the fragmentation worked well, and that Narcissa's humanity shown through with her important moments. Yeah, I thought too many descriptions would take away the feel I was trying to give to the story. I glad you enjoyed the story and liked my portrayal of the Malfoys.
Thanks for pointing out that bit about dialogue. I'll look through it again when I get the time and edit as needed.
Thank you so much for your words, and I am glad you liked Narcissa! Report Review
Review tag :)
I love this! Narcissa really interests me as a character and you've brought her to life beautifully. The tensions of the Blacks and being part of this elite pureblood culture is really interesting: I liked how though Cissy's mum tries to be sweet with her, the daughter treats her stiffly, hinting that they're not used to sharing affection.
I like how Narcissa not only "is" a certain way, but tries to "appear" approapriately. For example, when she composes herself to appear as haughty and superior as possible to Lucius. It's like she has to construct the kind of person she's expected to appear as.
It's interesting that her marriage with Lucius was arranged by her parents. Very archaic, but I guess these are blood fanatics we're talking about. I felt like in the third memory, there was a hint that Cissy and Lucius have secretly been more than friends for a while, however. :P
I love how there's such a concentration on how they appear to the public world, and how this makes the private moments Narcissa has with her husband and son all the more precious.
I think this fragmented writing style worked very well for this one-shot. My only suggestion is that I would have liked to read more about the ordinary moments in their relationship, the little everyday expressions of love, but I can see you've got many other stories about Narcissa so maybe I'll just have to check those out! :)Author's Response: Hey! Thanks so much for reading and reviewing.
I am glad you liked it, and think that I brought Narcissa to life. It is high praise for me, thank you. Yes, I always imagined all these pureblood families to only have a superficial kind of affection - just put on a show in public, thus her relationship with her mother portrayed like that.
I think Narcissa (and other pureblood girls) had to meet a lot of expectations, which is why she tries to act more mature and ladylike. Glad you liked that touch.
Yes, I always think pure blood marriages may be arranged to a large extent since their parents are always particular about who their kids should marry - no 'tainting' of bloodlines and such. I am pleased you liked it, and that you picked up on the hint! They weren't exactly dating, but secretly liked each other (the backstory in my mind is that Lucius himself suggested Narcissa as his bride to his father, and Abraxas Malfoy approved, and thus approached Narcissa's father).
Yes, having to behave in a certain manner in public, it indeed makes all their private moments all the more sacred.
I am pleased that the fragmented style worked. Well, thanks for your suggestion, but I wanted to highlight on Narcissa's important moments. I have many one-shots about her though, feel free to check them out, though I won't exactly call them ordinary. But maybe I'll just write a nice little fluffy 'ordinary' Lucius/Narcissa one-shot one day xD
Thanks! Report Review
EEE!!! I loved this!! I absolutely adore Narcissa and so this story is so perfect. I have always admired how much of a lady she was. I, of course, even more so admired her bravery in lying to Voldemort to save her son. I think you have written her perfectly and gave her the recognition that I think she was deprived of in the movie & stories. Super great job on this one!Author's Response: Hey! Thanks so much for stopping by! I am glad you enjoyed this, and that you liked Narcissa. I have always loved Narcissa's character too, and I try to explore different aspects of her personality through my one-shots, and this is my personal favourite so I am so happy you liked it, and think that I wrote her well. Thanks a ton! Report Review
Hey there! It's been a while since I stopped by and read anything of yours, so when I spotted you in Review Tag, it was pretty good to jump on it :)
First off, I really loved the style and the way you did, with the fragments from different parts and times of her life. The only thing I thought about it was that maybe you could have shown some kind of difference between each different Narcissa as she grew up and experienced new things? They seemed a little too samey - obviously, the kind of perfection she's feeling in those moments is identical, but maybe a little more description of Narcissa herself would make it a little more obvious which one is which? But no, the style was great and you did really well with it - it really worked with this one-shot as well.
You write Narcissa and Lucius so wonderfully - and even Draco as well. While we see the more evil - if I can say that, lol - side of Lucius in the books through Harry's eyes, you showed that he was a relatively good husband, not always a bad person and that he did care about his family. I also loved Draco's weakness at the end and the way Narcissa's views on the Dark Lord changed from 6 to 7. Narcissa herself was wonderful - you really showed different characteristics and things about her in each of the little segments, which I really liked.
There were a couple of typos and bits which sounded oddly phrases here or there... and you referred to the 'Pure and Noble House of Blacks' when it's the 'Ancient and Most Noble House of Black' ;) Honestly, though, none of that really took away from the feeling or the flow of the story - there definitely wasn't enough that it upset anything or that you would need a beta for. Just maybe a quick proofread before posting, if you don't do that? I can also recommend a website which might help, if you want - feel free to pm me for the link any time (it's really useful, I use it all the time!). One last, quick thing: I noticed in one of the earlier paragraphs (can't remember exactly which one) that you started four sentences in a row with 'I', although I don't think you did that again... you could switch the phrases in those sentences around to make it flow a bit better - I was always taught in school never to have more than two sentences maximum starting with the same word in a paragraph. Just thought I'd mention that since I noticed it ;)
I really enjoyed this, though. It was so lovely. You did so well to keep the light sort of feel and 'perfection' idea running throughout it, despite dealing with some situations which weren't really all that fluffy and really kinda serious. Honestly, I couldn't have done that, I have no idea how you managed it. It's impressive :)
Really enjoyed it!
Aph xxAuthor's Response: Hi! Thanks a lot for reading and reviewing.
I am glad you liked the writing style, and the characterisations of Lucius, Narcissa and Draco.
Thank you so much for all your critique and comments. I'll take everything into consideration when I do an edit.
Thank you so much for all your lovely words =)
Ugh, I love your writing so much! Every time I begin a new story of yours, I think "This can't possibly be as good as the last one" but every time I am proven wrong-your writing just gets better and better.
Your Lucius and Narcissa stories, especially this one, have honestly made me fall in love with that pairing. Your characterization of both Narcissa and Lucius, but especially Narcissa in this was absolutely spot on, and you brought up some very interesting ideas and plotlines that really hooked me in, and made sure I couldn't tear my eyes away from the page-well, screen.
I loved the idea of Blacks being married off when they came of age, because it definitely seems like something that would happen within that family, and I'm glad that Narcissa was happy with her arrangement-have you ever considered writing a novella or novel about Narcissa and Lucius? Becuase you seem to have so many great ideas!
I really loved the format of this piece and every moment was chosen very well, in my opinion. The whole thing flowed smoothly and just...wow. Just wow. I honestly don't have an constructive criticism for this piece because it was just so perfect! Sorry if I'm being waffly and random and not making any sense, but I am so jealous of your writing right now!
Anyway, until next time...
Courtney:)Author's Response: Hey! Thanks so much for reading and reviewing!
*blush* You flatter me so much, I am not half as good as some amazing authors out there.
I love Lucius/Narcissa pairing so I am glad you developed a liking to it too through my stories. I am pleased that you liked the characterisations of Lucius and Narcissa in this story, and that you liked the plotlines.
The idea of Blacks being married when coming off age was something that struck me as right too, it could be a pureblood thing xD Haha thanks for the compliment, I am awful at writing novel/novellas though - I tend to lose my muse after a while =(
Its great that you liked the format of the piece and the moments. You made perfect sense really and I am so flattered right now. Thank you for your amazing review, it has made my day!! Report Review
Right from the start, I could tell that Narcissa was a sweet child but she was being taught the pureblood ways. Despite that, she seemed really innocent and childish (as she should be) and I really liked that.
I loved the easy conversation between Lucius and Narcissa. You showed that they would really get along when they got married and that they would care for each other a lot.
Lucius seemed like a gentlemen but at the same time he gave off this vibe of being slightly arrogant. You could tell from his attitude that he was a rich kid and he knew it. Lucius is just so darn smooth! You somehow managed to make the whole arrogant and gentleman thing work but maybe that's just how purebloods roll.
The flow of the story was really great. I didn't even notice that I was finished reading until I got to the bottom of the page and saw the review box. Your writing style is also really lovely. You manage to add enough description but still managing to leave enough so that the reader can picture it in their head themselves.
The change in Lucius in part six was really evident. He went from being smooth and confident to serious and strict. It was a major change from how you showed him before but it made sense considering what was going on.
In the last part and in fact, throughout this entire one-shot, I could really tell that Narcissa loved her family dearly. It couldn't have been clearer.
Anyway, I really enjoyed this so great job on it!Author's Response: Hi! Thanks a ton for reading and reviewing!
I am glad you liked Narcissa's portrayal from the beginning.
The conversation between Narcissa/Lucius was a little hard for me to write and it took three attempts before I felt it was okay so I am pleased you liked it.
I wasn't very sure of Lucius' characterisation but I am glad he got through to you as the arrogant gentleman (sort of), and it worked!
Wow, really? I was terribly concerned about the flow so its such a relief that you found it well, and that you also liked my writing style.
Yes, it was quite a serious change, wasn't it? But I guess the war would have changed him in a way.
I am glad that Narcissa's love for her family came through to you in the last part as well as throughout.
Thank you so much for your lovely comments! Report Review
Hplover here with your review!
I really like the fact that each part is broken into neat sections. Your style is really detailed which allows you to really see your surroundings. In the first part Narcissa doesn't seem cold which I like, because she can be a really interesting character. I also like that you had her not see Lucius for so many years, it keeps it interesting.
In the second section I noticed you continued italicising he and him. I like that but don't over do it when the characters get closer. Looking at the period this was set and how they were brought up it's nice to see them keeping up the pretense of being very proper despite their age. Your characterization was good.
In the third one it was a little shocking . . . in a good way. I would have like to see Naricissa more distressed. But I know she had to keep the face. I think it was written well but bare in mind to ensure the character - particularly the older ones - keep their dialog consistent e.g. her father saying "about three years" perhaps you could just replease certain words. Nothing major, don't worry.
The wedding was nicely written. If you wanted it to be longer I feel you could put more detail into the ceremony. But I think it would be too long and I know wedding can end up stupidly long chapters (mine were). Despite it being an arranged marriage you could see that they did love one another and that was put across well.
I loved the after birth of Draco. It was heart warming and lovely and just reading the pride Narcissa had. No CC to give you there!
In the fall of Voldemort it was interesting. Lucius seemed quite cold towards her. I still saw the love, but it was different. It added depth. I think that you might want to replase and with commars, just so it reads better. I'm used to reading stories about the OotP chatacters, so I really liked this part.
The last part was really nice. The shock they all shared and the fear that there would be concequences. I saw the love she had for her husband and son. And the look between Narcissa and Harry added something.
I really liked this, seeing all the key moments of her life. You could have added loads but I think you chose things well. Take my CC on board and please give me feedback too!Author's Response: Hi! Thanks for reading and reviewing!
I am glad you liked my writing style, and my first section.
I am happy you liked my characterisations in the second segment. I hadn't meant to italicise him there, so I'll correct that. Thanks for pointing it out.
I'll keep your comments in mind about the dialogue in the third section.
I didn't want to make the whole piece too long, and I merely wanted to touch upon every important moment, which is why the wedding scene wasn't that long either. If I wanted to focus on each segment more, I'd have written one moment for one chapter =)
I am pleased you liked the after-birth scene, thanks.
I'll see what I can do about the rephrasing in section VI. Thanks for your comments.
The last part was my favourite while writing, so its great you liked it.
As I said before, if I had wanted to add more things, I would have made this into a chaptered story rather than a one-shot. But I like to keep things short and simple.
Thank you for your thoughtful review anyway!
Hello, I'm here with your requested review! I remember you had some questions about this story on the forums, and am excited to read it. I'll break up my comments into sections; one per each scene. :3
I like the first scene, and the interactions between Narcissa and her mother. Isn't Lucius a year older than her? He seemed confident, like he knew his way around the train, so it seems very possible! But I'd be interested to hear more about her first impression of him, just because they're so young. Are they feeling uniquely romantic feelings for such a young age, or does she want to become his friend, or was she just merely noticing him? It's a little unclear how exactly she felt, other than she felt something, because she's blushing.
The second scene was great! I love the strained way in which they have to speak to one another. There's so much tension, but it's just the way they were raised. What a nice way for them to bond; clearly they both aren't too fond of these kinds of parties.
You handled the announcement of their engagement quite well. If she'd been excited, it would have been strange to read--what seventeen year-old wants to hear that their parents have selected a life partner for them? Even though she clearly has feelings for Lucius, I like that you made her neutral about the whole thing. She has some trepidations but isn't over-reacting with angst, either. Nicely done!
This line, from the next section, is beautiful: Lucius, looking handsome as ever, watched me with a rare smile, and that was when I realized that I loved this man. I blinked at this sudden comprehension.
Section VII makes me feel sorry for Narcissa. She cares so much about her family, and I think that's very accurate with canon. It's sad so see that Lucius has clearly become a different person, even in just the five years that Draco was born, yet he still sees the same since section I.
Wow, this line is really powerful: Numbness had washed over me and all I did was stare unfeelingly at the pathetic form that had tyrannized my family relentlessly. How much Narcissa has changed! I like the last section, because it shows strength in her. She seems like the kind of person to always stand by and worry about her son and her husband, but we know from Book Six and beyond that she isn't. You've captured that nicely in this last section.
Job well done!Author's Response: Hi! Thanks a lot for reading and reviewing!
I am glad you liked the first scene over all, but I'll keep your CC in mind and see if I can talk more about her impression of him. I didn't want it to be incredibly long which is why I simply left the scene on her seeing him for the first time in years. And yes Lucius is an year older than her which is why he was already in his Slytherin robes.
I am glad you liked the second scene as I worked hard on trying to make it sound like two pureblood teenagers talking.
I am pleased that you liked the way I handled the announcement of their engagement. Thanks!
I am glad that you liked that line. I just wanted it to be a special moment where she realises she loves Lucius.
Yeah, you're very right in your thoughts regarding section VI. I did think that they would have changed a lot in so many years yet their feelings for the family would be the same.
I am glad you liked the last section too, and liked Narcissa's portrayal.
Thank you so much for all your wonderful comments!! Report Review
I loved how you wrote individual moments of their life, that was such a good idea. Lucius and Narcissa seem so cute together and you really do write them incredibly well. I think you're the best Lucius and Narcissa writer I've come across on this site.
I really enjoyed this one and really liked the style that you used, I think you should write like this more, it worked very well my lovely :DAuthor's Response: Hey! I am glad you liked the individual moments, and found Narcissa and Lucius written well. Naw, that's the highest compliment I have ever received, since I have come across better Lucius/Narcissa writers indeed, but thank you. I am glad you liked the writing style too, and that it worked well. Thanks! Report Review
Hello! Laurenzo7321 here with your requested review!
I really loved this one shot. I loved how you took us through from when Narcissa was a young girl attending Hogwarts to the end of the war. In every stage you kept Narcissa so in character but just aged her and made her that bit more mature and a bit less naive and it was really great to read. I love that you didn't just keep her haughty and superior attitude constantly either, you showed a much softer side to her too.
Lucius and Draco were both well charcterised too when they came into it. Particularly Lucius, who didn't show any affection as such but in them few moments, you could tell what his family meant to him.
I think the seven moments you picked were perfect to tell the story of Lucius and Narcissa in this way. The whole thing had a lovely flow about it that made it a pleasure to read. I like that we hear everything from Narcissa POV, it really works well.
I also like that you made me really like the Malfoys here. They aren't perfect and they certainly don't show much affection but you can tell they care for each other and that's the important thing. They're also as relieved as everyone else in the last section.
I really enjoyed this one-shot though! Thanks for requesting it.
Lauren :)Author's Response: Hi! Thanks a lot for reading and reviewing!
I am so glad that you liked this! I worked a lot on my characterisation and evolution of Narcissa, so its great to hear that you liked how I took her through various stages and crafted her.
I was very worried about Lucius' characterisation so I am relieved to hear that you found him well-characterised! And draco too!
I am glad to hear that you found it to flow well, liked Narcissa's POV, and the seven moments.
Its great to know that I made you like the Malfoys as that was my aim. Thank you so much for your wonderful comments! Report Review
Hello AD :)
Oh, this is such a beautifully written piece. It begins with Narcissa as a child and ends with her and her family, still intact despite having gone through so much in the war. Your characterisation is just wonderful - from the beginning, Narcissa is very formal, and a little haughty as well, which is really in-character, and also reflects her rigid pureblood upbringing in the Black family very well. But she's not just cold and formal; you've also shown her more vulnerable side, as well as the softer and more affectionate aspects of her character.
Her relationship to Lucius is of course the main focus of the story, and you've done a great job in depicting this as well. You've shown how Lucius becomes that almost-inaccessible smirking older boy on the train to someone who breaks his heart open completely to her at the end. It's a very lovely moment, and you've written that final part very sensitively and gracefully.
I like the structure and segmentation of the story - it's a good way to show these different moments in Narcissa's life, and I think it's also especially effective in showing how time passes and how things change, both in Narcissa's internal world and in external wizarding society.
Another thing i really like is how you've portrayed the Malfoys in such a sympathetic light, despite Lucius and Draco being Death Eaters. Despite their affiliation with the Dark Lord, you've shown that they're still human, and that they still capable of the most human of emotions, including the deep love and affection the Malfoys have for each other.
Well, anyway, I think you've written a wonderful story here. I really enjoyed this :) I'm quite enjoying all your Lucius/Narcissa fics! I think you write this pairing really well! Cheers!
-tehAuthor's Response: Hey! Thanks a lot for reading and reviewing!
I am glad that you liked the piece, it is certainly something different from my usual stuff!
I am pleased to know that you liked Narcissa's characterisation, thank you for your lovely comments!
I was a little worried about how the relationship with Lucius came across, but its great to hear that you found it depicted well! I loved writing that final part so its awesome to hear that you liked it too.
Its a relief to hear that you like the structure and segmentation of the story, that is something I'll forever be concerned about, so thanks.
My aim was to gain a little sympathy for the Malfoys and I am happy I sort of achieved it.
Thank you so much for your wonderful review! Report Review
I loved this story, I could not put it down. It almost made me cry at the end. Bravo, well done!Author's Response: Hey! Thanks so much for reading and reviewing, I am so glad you liked it so much, thanks! Report Review
Yay you have another Narcissa/Lucius one-shot up, you really do write this couple very well, and each time you do a new one-shot you explore a different perspective of their relationship which is great, as you never seem to run out of imagination for this pairing, so it's always interesting to read the new twist to their relationship.
I liked how you portrayed Narcissa as not entirely perfect, and that she let down her shield sometimes as a teenager, as I don't believe she was always this rather cold woman we see in the books!
I thought the idea of basing the story on the 7 most significant parts of their relationship was great! I've never seen that done before, but it works really well for one-shot as it enables you to have their story, but with not too much detail:)
I noticed a tiny error here - sonand - I think you forget to put a space in here:)
I loved how affectionate Lucius and Narcissa were to baby Draco as that was just lovely to read, and it showed that they genuinely cared for him.
Another great one-shot! Kiana :)Author's Response: Hey! Thanks for reading and reviewing =)
I am pleased to hear that you think that I write Lucius/Narcissa well. They are both my favourite characters so I enjoy exploring different aspects of their lives/relationships.
I am glad that you liked my portrayal of Narcissa - I always strive to craft my characters well.
Its great to know that you liked the seven moments idea, I wasn't too sure about it, but I am glad you liked it!
Oh thanks for pointing that out, I'll edit it =)
I wanted to show the parenting side of Lucius too, along with Narcissa, so I am pleased that you liked that.
Thanks once again! Report Review
Hi Aditi! I've stopped by for Review Tag!
I really liked the fragmented approach you took here. It's clear that you chose moments that could have been extremely important to Narcissa. I can really sense that the woman who would treasure these memories would be the same one who insisted that there was nothing she wouldn't do to help her family, the same one who ran boldly across a battlefield to look for her baby boy.
I like your characterization a lot. Narcissa seems delicate here, very sensitive and sensible about the expectations of those around her. At the same time, though, she has very strong thoughts. Even if she didn't share them, they seemed very her.
I don't think you need a beta, but I did spot a few little typos and some awkward phrasing here and there. I'm sure reviewers like me will point things out and help you shape this more little by little. I noticed that your dialogue tends to shift from being extremely formal to somewhat casual (for example, using "doesn't" instead of "does not"). I think this could be even better if you went back through and tried to make that consistent by sticking with one style.
Very nice work! :)
-AmandaAuthor's Response: Hey Academica!
I always look forward to your reviews, so I am pleased that you took the time to read and review this, thank you =)
Its a relief to know that you like the fragmented approach as I was a little worried about how it would work. I tried my best to choose those moments that I felt were the most important to her, so I am glad that you feel the same.
I was a tad concerned about Narcissa, since there wasn't a direct sharing of her thoughts exactly, but its great to know that you liked her characterisation.
Thank you so much for pointing that out, I was a little worried about how it flowed, so my concern for getting a beta, but you've put me at ease =) I shall go back and edit it as soon as I get the time!
Thank you so much once again! Report Review
you captured CisSA and her pureblood-way perfectly and i really liked the seven different parts. especially the wedding proposal and the last scene were great. you really should be proud of yourselfAuthor's Response: Hey! Thanks a lot for reading and reviewing. I am glad you found Cissa and her pureblood ways captured well, and you liked the seven parts, and the wedding and the last scene. Thanks a lot! Report Review
Hey! Its Mya for the review swap!
This was great!! I loved it so much! I loved how you showed Lucius as a hard person but still not an uncaring one.
Great job really!!
I saw a few mistakes in just the general flow of sentences which would make the reader trip over what they were reading. But besides that it was totally finee =)
Great job!!Author's Response: hey! Thanks so much for reading and reviewing!
I am so glad that you liked it, and liked Lucius' characterisation.
I am a little concerned about what kind of mistakes you are talking about, so if you could elaborate on it, it'd be great (I'll PM you about it when I get the time).
Thanks! Report Review
Hi m'dear! I don't think you need a beta. I didn't spot any obvious grammatical errors :).
I think the fragmented style worked really well for this piece. I love the kind of personality you gave Narcissa. She's rather kind but not overly affectionate. She's strong but holds the malleable sort of traits that I imagine were necessary for a girl coming from her position.
I also liked that her parents seemed like normal overly strict parents. I don't love when they are written as incredibly abusive because it doesn't make a ton of sense to me. Overbearing and controlling feels more like their style, and you got that down really well.
You showed Narcissa growing from a young girl to a woman really well. The later sections you could tell she wasn't as naive, and conducted herself a in a more serious sort of manner. I loved when you described her eyes as curios in the first section. It gave me this image of this wide eyed thing that can't wait to see what life has to offer her.
I think this was a really sweet one shot :).Author's Response: Hey! Thanks so much for reading and reviewing!
I am so glad you liked this, and that you think I don't need a beta, thanks!
I was a little worried about the fragmented style but your feedback has me relieved :) I am glad you liked Narcissa's personality, her parents, and her growth from a young girl to a woman.
Thank you so much for your lovely review! You're the first one, so kudos! Report Review
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short story collection