-BookDinosaur- here with your requested review!
So I really liked this chapter. I don't know why, but I really liked those times that you wrote in, it just gave the chapter a feeling of slowing reality down somehow. Gah, I don't know, I just liked the effect it had on the chapter.
And HEY. You tricked me! when I got to the bit where they said 'it was a woman', I literally said "AGAH!' and hit the table and stamped my foot. I got plenty of weird looks, believe me.
I loved reading from Theo's POV, I knew he wasn't a killer and that just reinforced my belief. I'm so worried about him though, will he become evil? Is he going to be the kid who dies? I'm scared for him and Tor.
I loved Terry's POV as well, it lined up perfectly with how he acts with Tor. His family was just amazing, I loved reading about them, and it was so sweet how he was missing Tor as much as she was missing him. I mean, they're made forr each other!
Ooh, will Pyxis catch Torry? (That's the ship name I made up for them. Please excuse its utter lameness.) I don't know whether to be happy or not about that... I guess it all hinges on hs reaction. But is the letter foreshadowing for something awful that'll happen once Pyxis finds out? Gah, I can't take the suspense. ;)
Anyway, this was a brilliant chapter I really enjoyed reading.
PS-This is my first review from my account on here! ;D Report Review
I'm loving this short queue!! :D I can't believe I get to read the next chapter so soon!
I think that what I enjoyed the most about this chapter was the change in environment - the mood is more similar to that of the first couple of chapters; she's in school, with her friends, and she's more of a normal teenager than anything else. While I have absolutely loved the last couple of chapters as well, I thought it was a great change to keep the story from getting repetitive. It's just perfect! After the horror and darkness over Christmas and New Years, it was nice to get to laugh a little again (although, of course, there's still a lot of drama, which I love!). This was the first comment that made me laugh, that I just loved:
' "What made you decide to mutilate your body?" Taurus comments drily. Pyxis gives him a dirty look, as if defending the belly button ring's honour.'
Got to love Pyxis!!
As for Taurus' secret, I hadn't suspected anything before. But now I feel so bad for him - why, Peeves, why?? Tor might have considered opening up to him, as well, but I doubt that she'll do it now that she's seen where it got him. I'm glad she stood up for him, but I was so angry with Pyxis and Phin! Well, there goes my hope that Pyxis will be supportive (at least a little bit) about Tor and Terry.
Speaking of Tor and Terry, their reunion was adorable! To be honest, I felt a bit like I was the one who was going to meet my boyfriend after some time apart when I read it, that's how exited I was for them. And he was just so sweet. I love that he didn't get mad with her when she snapped at him. He's just such a great guy, isn't he?
And for your last question (or first one, technically, but you know what I mean), my first thought about the dead snake was that it had to be the work of Griz Goyle. But then I thought about the symbolism of it all. A dead snake. Snake, the Slytherin symbol. I am now convinced that someone knows her secret, and that they think that she's a disgrace for Slytherin because of it. I suppose it could also be Taurus, blaming her in a way for what he's going through now. Or maybe HE found out about her and Terry, and he's furious because he confided in her but she didn't do the same thing? Well, I don't know. My other guess is Daphne, because she found out, and she thinks that her sister is a disgrace for the family and and the Slytherin house. Or something like that. Well, as ever, I look forward to reading the next installment. Thank you for this wonderful story - I just adore it so much! It has so many dimensions to it - it's beautifully written, dark, scary at times, and also humorous and romantic and a whole bunch of other things that I can't think of right now. I hope you know how good it is, and that you're really proud of it! :)Author's Response: Hello again! :D I know, the short queue is awesome, and I'm always excited to update for you people who like this story!
I'm glad you liked the shift in the mood and that it brought back the teenage mood of the story! The realms of DEs and Hogwarts are very separate for Tor, and it felt right that the tone of the story would change as well.
I'm glad you liked the line about the belly button, I love Pyxis too! He's just such a... boy. I'm happy there was some humour here as well! :)
I know, poor Taurus! :( These kids really can't catch a break eh? You're right, I think Tor will think twice about sharing her secret, no matter how hard it weighs on her. I know, the boys really didn't handle it well, but then again they still have time and they were acting tough in front of each other. Don't lose faith in Pyxis yet! :)
Aw! I'm so glad you liked the reunion, I really enjoyed writing it! They're just so sweet together, though of course Tor had to go ahead and ruin it. Terry is very practical and level-headed, and good at keeping his temper when others are upset... unlike Tor, who just gets angrier. They do complement each other quite well in that way.
I love all your speculations about the symbolism! :) Of course I can't say anything, but those are all excellent guesses and thoughts, and I really enjoy reading your thoughts! :D
I'm so very happy that you're loving the story, it makes me really happy to read all your incredible reviews, and really keeps me going with this! :D You're so encouraging and wonderful, and it makes me so thrilled every time I see another lovely review! :) Report Review
Ooh, these predictions! It would have been quite easy to make that cliche when you wrote it but I think you did a good job of making it seem realistic. Does this mean Emma Turbine's aunt is Trelawney? Poor girl! That would be enough to drive anyone insane, in my opinion!
I'm not going to try and predict who the predictions are about (that sentence confused me a bit!) because I'm awful at guessing what's going to happen in stories like this. But it's interesting that you mentioned Tor won't marry the person she's meant to be with... I'm curious if that means that Terry survives and they simply don't marry, or he's one of the people who dies because of her. Lots of possibilities with that one, and I'm really interested to see what happens there.
As for Emma, I think she seemed a little old at times, a bit too mature for her age. I suppose that could be justified with the fact that her abilities as a Seer have caused her to grow up quickly, but I think maybe it would make more sense if her confidence was toned down a little at times, at least while they are inside Hogwarts and other people might be around.
I loved Tor's comments on first years getting smaller - I swear I think that all the time! I like the fact that Tor's becoming more interested in muggles just because she's found out that Terry's a Muggle-born. It could be quite a dangerous interest, though!
Tor and Terry are just too cute! Her indignation when he kissed her even though that's what she wanted - it's so sweet and very teenage girl :P It's definitely characteristic of the beginnings of a romance - though one more hampered perhaps than most normal teenage relationships. I also have a feeling that Tor's decision to pursue the relationship and think about the consequences later could be the ruin of them - maybe even what causes someone she loves to die? I don't want it to be Terry but at the same time at this point I can't imagine Tor marrying Draco if Terry was alive. Of course, I don't know what is going to happen in the future, and there's a lot of the story to come!
Haha, "the ASS duels". I just laugh at that every single time I see it written down - it's an oddly humorous name for what they're doing, really. It was quite scary here to see what Tor's really capable of - what she's prepared to do in order to win. There's a definite ruthless Slytherin (or maybe Yaxley) streak in her, but I hope that might change a bit in the future, or that she learns to repress it. I can understand her desire to beat Malfoy and the others, especially when they're treating her so unfairly. It reminded me a bit of the fight between Harry and Draco in the bathroom; Draco tries to use an Unforgivable Curse and Harry has to retaliate in whatever way he can to defend himself. But Tor's so young and naive, and it is quite unnerving that she cast the Imperius Curse at her age.
Another great chapter, though, and I'm sorry I'm taking so long to get round to reviewing them all!
Sian :)Author's Response: Hello! :)
Ah, I know about the cliche thing. I wrote this bit before really realizing that the seer thing was a little cliche, but decided to keep it because I love the excessive foreshadowing! :P I was thinking of changing this bit around, maybe even having an ominous narration instead of the character of Emma, though she is fun to imagine running around Hogwarts with her toad! :)
You're silly, you're very good at predicting what happens in this story! :P To be honest, I haven't 100% decided what will happen however. There are lots of possibilities, and I'm excited to explore them!
I'm glad you think they're cute! :) I really want to make their relationship seem as natural as possible, to explain why they like each other enough to risk everything to be together. As for what happens, well... I can't say much, but it will be very complicated. :P
I know, Tor really showed her colours as a death eater's daughter. Like Harry, she did what she felt she had to, and it shows her darker, more ruthless nature which she does repress around positive influences like Terry. I'm glad you enjoyed that scene, however! :D
Thank you for another great review darling, and you are such a gem for reviewing all these chapters! :D Report Review
Yes, you tricked me! But it's twists like this one that makes stories intriguing, so you have nothing to apologize for ;)
Wow, it's amazing what a story from the bad guys' POV does to you as a reader, because while you're rooting for the good side, you also start to feel sympathy for the bad ones. For example, I was so worried about the Weasleys, and relieved when the Death Eaters failed, but still worried about Yaxley and Voldemort's reaction to it... That's one of the great things about this story, that you take these people, whom I have hated throughout the HP series, and given them real identities, making me realize that they too are human. So, yes, well done on that part!! ;)
As for Theo, I just feel so bad for him. I worry that this whole thing will change him, that he'll become colder and more evil under the influence of the Death Eaters, and that Tor will lose the Theo she knows and loves. Also, I'm worried for his life - maybe his involvement will get him killed, somehow? Maybe he will fail to do what Voldemort asks of him? Or something like that. Well, that's a plot line that I'm interested to read more of! It's wonderful how you can keep me so engaged in not only Tor and Terry's fates, but that of other people in her life as well!
Speaking of Terry: I think reading from his perspective was my favourite part of this chapter. You portrayed his family so wonderfully! His cousins were so great, and him imagining Tor there was beautiful. It was also really sad in a way, because it can't happen (unless Tor runs away to be with them, becuase I'm sure HIS family will accept it, even if Tor's won't.)
And it seems that Pyxis is getting closer to catching Tor and Terry. For some reason, I'm not too worried, because I think he would be the most accepting one out of Tor's circle of friends and family. But maybe I'm a bit too optimistic - he is a Nott, after all. I can't wait to see more of that either.
It was also great to see Yaxley being a typical dad for once (when he talked to Tor about her alcohol consumption, I mean!). I felt so bad for Tor when she wanted to open up to him, to talk about Terry and I guess the fact that she's in love for the first time, but knew that she just couldn't. That's just the tragedy of being brought up in such a prejudiced family.
Glad to see that Andromeda is still keeping in touch. I wonder if Tor will take her advice and plan an escape, or if she'll remain faithful to her family. Well, as you can tell, I have so many questions and I'm so concerned for all of the characters, which has to mean that you have succeeded as an author ;)
So thank you for another brilliant chapter, and also, for updating so quickly! It's absolutely great for someone as impatient as me, haha ;)Author's Response: Ah, well I'm glad! :) I knew I couldn't hurt Terry, at least not yet, I just love him too much!
I'm very glad you root for the bad guys as well as the good guys, as this confusion is exactly what I want to get across! :) I actually quite like and sympathize with Yaxley as a character personally, so I'm glad he's coming across as human, if a rather corrupt human. I liked giving him that typical fatherly scene as well and contrasting it with his role as a DE.
I know, poor Theo! :( He's really in quite deep, similarly to Draco, and things aren't looking great. I'm very happy you're involved in all these other characters as well, I am too and it makes me so glad to see this coming across in the story and getting your response! :D
I'm so glad you liked Terry's perspective! I loved writing that part. So far we've only really seen him from Tor's point of view, but I want to change that in the second half of the story and give him some more depth. They are so sweet together, aren't they?
Interesting thoughts about Pyxis! He's a lot like Tor, but hasn't had the revelations that she's experienced by being with Terry, so his reactions would be interesting indeed...
You are so wonderful for leaving another amazing review, thank you so much! :) Your reviews really encourage and inspire me to keep writing (and keep updates fast), and I promise they are coming very soon! :D
Another great chapter. Tor's interactions with Terry are cute - he's clearly done some research to find out who she is, because I don't think she ever told him she was a Slytherin, or that her last name was Greengrass.
(And speaking of her last name... I'm wondering again about that. In this chapter she mentions how her father is her hero, and that Yaxley is mostly undercover, so it made it even more surprising to me that she goes by her mother's last name instead. It doesn't quite make sense to me.)
This chapter made it so much clearer just how much Tor idolises her father, and in a way that's made her blind to what he is really doing out there as a Death Eater. It'll be interesting to see her change as she socialises with "the enemy" more and realises how much she's been brainwashed. I thought her rationalising Terry's blood status "he HAD to be a pure blood" was good. She doesn't know, so she assumes the best so she can keep talking to him. I am so excited for the moment she finds out he's Muggle born!Author's Response: Hello! :) I'm glad you're liking the interactions with Terry, and you're right, he's done some digging as well! I like writing their bantering and cute little conversations, especially at these early stages.
Yeah, I'm really glad you're pointing out that it's confusing because I'm trying to think of ways to clarify it! The unprofessional answer is that I wanted her father to be a known Death Eater, and really like Yaxley's appearances in the HP books. In terms of the story flow, it gets explained a little better I think in a couple chapters, but basically they just chose to go by their mother's name at school. Then if Yaxley's cover is ever blown, they can hide underneath their mother's name and not be targeted, if that makes sense? Also, I'm not sure about England but I know a lot of people who go by their mothers/hyphenated names, and I wouldn't want to curse my kid with an initial at the end of the alphabet! :P But I will try to clear it up! :)
I'm glad you liked the intrinsic nature of Tor's support for the DE, and how she's blind and brainwashed in a way to the truth. You're right, she is in denial in a lot of things and chooses to believe what is most convenient! :P I'm so pleased that you're excited to see how she changes! Thank you for another great review! :D Report Review
Hi! Review Tag again!
The chapters are just getting better and better! This was a great reason to develop characterisations and get the story kickstarted.
I've never read a story about Slytherins before, at least not in the POV of a Slytherin. It's very interesting to read a story where the main character actually supports Voldemort and is not actually insane or crazed (well, as sane as you can be if you support him xD). Her feelings towards the Dark Lord and Muggleborns seem so organic and just a part of her, just a belief she has. It's so interesting to see that, in fact, there are families on both sides of the War that are affected by Voldemort, not just Muggleborns and the side of good :) It's written very subtly, and I like that :)
I'm liking the romance you brought in at the end. That, too, is subtle, and I'm looking forward to seeing where you take it (don't think the boy in the prologue is Theo, so very interested for that character to be introduced if he isn't!). You write secret longing very well indeed, very true to life. I also like your use of her Legilimency, it seems like such a useful skill to have xD
All in all, great writing, great chapter :DAuthor's Response: Hi! :) I'm so happy to see you back!
I'm really happy you're liking the story so far, and have made it past the slightly rough (in my opinion) first chapters! I'm glad you like Tor and the Slytherin POV of the story: I really enjoy writing this in Hogwarts era to show the other side of the conflict. I'm glad you like the balance of good and evil, and how the families of the DE are negatively affected as well.
Haha, well you'll just have to keep reading! :) Tor definitely has some secret longing going on for Theo, and it does get addressed very frequently in the story. I'm glad you also like the addition of the Legilimency skill, it is unique and a fun characteristic to incorporate! :)
Thank you for another lovely review, my dear! :D Report Review
Hi! Review Tag!
I think your strongest skill is your characterisation- all of your characters are already fully formed in your head, along with all of their relationships with each other, and their thoughts and feelings about certain subjects seem organic and in keeping with their character. Your Slughorn was very believable and well characterised too :) As was your House Elf Selby :)
Your have a great sense of humour too! The idea of them doing Muggle drugs was quite funny and original, and looking at their effects on them was fun to read while still developing their characters.
I see that this is set during HBP, is that right? I'm very interested to see how the events of that book affect the characters, especially seeing as they're younger than the Trio and Draco etc :)
Great job!Author's Response: Hi! :) Aw, you are so sweet for reading the first few chapters, I'm glad you had the chance to read more than just the prologue!
I'm glad you like the characterization, and you're right, I do have very complex ideas of the characters and their dynamics and personalities. I'm glad you noticed Slughorn, as I wanted to get the canon characters right, and the addition of the House Elf! :)
Ah, I'm glad you thought this was funny! I tend to do better with sad, angsty stuff, so hearing you were amused is just wonderful! I thought they were just being silly teenagers, and wanted to show how they can be ordinary as well.
Yes! The events do intersect them quite a bit, and Tor's realm of Hogwarts intersects on occasion with Harry's. I'm glad you enjoyed the story so far, thank you very much for a lovely review! :D Report Review
Argh, I'm so behind with reviewing for this and I need to catch up as quickly as possible so I can tell you what I thought of the latest chapter (which I read as soon as you updated :D).
I really like the idea of Yaxley and Amelia Bones. I wonder how different their children might have been if the two had continued their relationship? But I liked the fact that it showed even Death Eaters aren't completely without compassion. The story was sad in a bittersweet way - I felt much more for Amelia Bones than Yaxley, but it was sweet to see him reaching out and offering her comfort in her last moments. It's horrible that he had to watch as she died, but even if he had, as Snape did, begged for Amelia's life, I don't imagine Voldy would have shown him any mercy. In fact, he might have even forced Yaxley to be the murderer (he's a nice man, ol' Tom Riddle). But I think he also has to preserve himself before other people (Yaxley, this is) - as most people have discovered, escaping the Death Eaters isn't really an option.
Ginny and Tor's friendship works in a strange way. I think if they'd come from different backgrounds (or more similar ones, if that makes sense) then they could have been quite good friends from the beginning. I like the fact that Ginny is acting as a sort of messenger between Tor and Terry, as well as seeming more open-minded and willing to think Tor can change, because that fits with what we know of her character.
Tor's indignation at the way Terry and Ginny had been discussing her made me laugh. She has this sense of superiority that's been bred into her and she can't forget, making her think she's allowed to discuss other people in the same way but nobody should talk about her as such - after all, remember who her parents are! It's pretty hypocritical, but she doesn't seem to realise that. Still, that fits with her age and what she's been brought up to believe in.
I think Dumbledore was probably quite surprised at Tor's perceptiveness in this chapter, when she asked if objects can have souls. It's sad that he doesn't have the time to keep his eye on all these students and save them from their families and themselves. They still are children, really, and like he realised, they don't understand the implications of the war. They're so eager to grow up and get involved, and it's really sad to think that they could find themselves in the midst of something far out of control.
Another great chapter, darling! I'll be back as soon as possible to review the next one!
Sian :)Author's Response: Hello! :) Oh, you are just too wonderful for taking the time to re-read each chapter and letting me know what you think of them! I really appreciate the feedback! :D
I'm glad you liked the Amelia anecdote! I kind of planted the seed for it in Chapter 5 but somehow it took until now to take shape. I'm glad you felt sorry for Amelia, but also that it gave Yaxley some redemption: he isn't all bad, after all! And yes, he decided to protect himself, and by extension his family, by keeping quiet and doing what he could for Amelia in those last few moments!
I'm glad you like Ginny, and her strange friendship with Tor! You're right, they definitely would be friends if they had more similiar values and oppurtunities to bond, I feel like their personalities are very similar in a way! I'm glad you think Ginny fits with character as well, I really enjoy writing her! :)
I'm glad as well that Tor's sense of being superior is continuing to shine through, though she has a lot of changing characteristics and abilities as well. I try to give her those little selfish and immature moments, since really she is just a fourteen year old girl!
I know, Dumbledore is in a tricky situation! Being Dumbledore, he wants to help all the students, but of course he has to concentrate on Harry and the Horcruxes, and those in immediate danger like Malfoy. It is sad, to think of the impact on kids like Tor and how things could be so different for them: it's just as dangerous as being a Muggleborn, but in a different way.
Thank you so much for this really lovely review, my dear! :) You're just the best! Report Review
-BookDinosaur- here with your requested review.
No, wait, what?! Terry?! Dead?! NO. Please, he's like my favourite character and you can't just kill him off and- gah.
Right, reviewing. I loved your descriptions of everything-Malfoy Manor, the Ball, the crowd of people. I could really see what was going on inside my head. I loved the description of the Manor in particular-it was really well written and easy to imagine, but there wasn't too much description.
I loved how Tor was thinking of Terry and missing him-it was so sweet.
So... Theo is marked now? Is he? That Christian character was shady, but I didn't expect Theo to get his mark so soon-I would have thought he'd have waited until after he finished school. But I'm worried for him now. I don't think he's a killer, and I don't want him to be evil, although Resistance does give us a small hint. Gah, I'm way too invested in your characters.
Yor cliffhanger was so hanger-y! I hope Tor didn't give anything away with her reaction. And please, please don't let Terry be dead. *sobs*
Anyway, a really good chapter that left me hanging. I need more, darn it!Author's Response: Hello! :)
Ah, I'm sorry! :( Well, you'll just have to check out the next chapter and see what happens, it might not be exactly what you expect! :P
I'm so glad you enjoyed the chapter, and the descriptions of the ball! I'm glad the descriptions were just enough to paint a picture of the manor, which I enjoyed imagining as well. And yes, Terry and Tor are so cute together, aren't they?
I love Theo too, and I want the best for him! As for what happens to him, all (well, some) will be revealed in the next chapter, which is being written now! :)
I'm glad the cliffhanger worked, I wasn't sure how I did with that! And your reaction to the chapter is just what I hoped for, in an evil suspenseful kind of way! :D
Thank you for another wonderful review! :) Report Review
It's Terry! (Afraid of heights and lives in Ravenclaw Tower, somehow I feel like that's going to come up again). I can't wait to see Tor's reaction when she finds out he's Muggle born.
Griz is evil, sabotaging Tor's quidditch tryout. And omg she has a shrunken head named Xavier - too funny. That would definitely not be a good thing to wake up to.
A bit of CC - The italic part about Yaxley felt sort of out of place. It's clearly in the past, because it's when he just joined the DE's.. but then Tor says she stops thinking about the future. I think that'd make sense if she hadn't just been thinking about the past, because she was thinking about the future before that... (am I making sense? I just read over that again and I hope I don't sound like jumbly words.) The part in italics looks like it was just stuck in there, it doesn't seem to relate to anything around it. Maybe use that piece later, in a different chapter? (unless you did that intentionally, in which case ignore my ramblings!)
Great job!Author's Response: Haha, yes! :) And hmm that's a good point, Terry is braver than he acts though! :P
Yes, Griz really isn't too nice, is she? At least this gives Tor a good reason to have not made the team, as she would have been pretty angry if Zelda got the Seeker spot anyway! And yes, Xavier just sounds awful!
Aha, I have a tendency to write first and think if it fits later: I think it's part of writing a story chapter by chapter, instead of the whole thing and revising it. The flashbacks (and there are more coming!) are just my break from Tor's incessant drama. I'll see if I can re-visit it and maybe change it, however! :)
Thanks for another great review! :) Report Review
Toss the spitball through Professor Binns lol. I guess you can only get away with that in a class where the teacher doesn't know anyone's names well enough to give them detention! And she almost got away with it. I thought that was funny.
I also like seeing the way other Slytherins see Malfoy. In the books it came across that all Slytherins are mean because Malfoy was mean to Harry, but I like how you've showed that it's not all Slytherins that act that way - it's just Malfoy being awful (and not many of the other Slytherins even like him!)
The part with Tor and the mystery boy is interesting. I was a bit surprised they didn't say what house they were from, or their names, but I kind of liked that. Like it showed that the house isn't really that important for a friendship. And I know it's very easy to get into a long conversation with someone and then realise at the end that you never learned their name. I'm guessing he's a Ravenclaw or Hufflepuff, in Harry's year obviously. I'd feel badly for him if he were a Ravenclaw because of his fear of heights and living in a tower. And since he didn't mention that I'd say he's a Hufflepuff. Justin maybe? (after all he was reading Muggle books. Good choice on the books btw ;) )
(Also, I thought Tor's parents' owl had a different name several chapters ago.)
Great chapter!Author's Response: Hello again! :) I know, poor Professor Binns! Tor was just having an awful day, so of course he had to pick that moment to become aware of what was going on!
I'm glad you like the Slytherins, and the portrayal of Malfoy. You're right, he's really a pretty awful guy at the moment, and there's a lot of rivalry and general dislike that occurs between the Slytherins themselves. Though some of them are quite ordinary, and not as consumed with prejudice and bullying as Malfoy and his crowd.
I'm glad you liked the conversation with the mystery boy! And yes, they just kind of jumped into this strange conversation, but things will be revealed soon enough. I'm glad you liked his choice in books, I definitely approve as well! :) As for his identity, well you'll find out soon enough!
Ah, I'll double-check on the owl front. Thanks for pointing that out, and for another thoughtful review! :D Report Review
It was nice to see Tor's family background here. I think you've portrayed the sibling relationship really well so far too - how Tor is jealous of her older sister's looks, like any younger sister would be, and Daphne is jealous that Tor, the baby of the family, is the favourite. Very realistic.
I think it's interesting how you described Occlumency/LEgilimency too, and how it's able to cover large distances. Was it mentioned in the book that they can do that? I had always imagined that you had to be in the same room or something, but maybe I just made that up. Anyway, I like that take on mind magic.
One thing that seemed a little off:
The red eyes glinted, the white cheeks stretched upward in the likeness of a smile. For a moment my father tried to imagine how the Dark Lord must have looked as a child: he failed.
I do like the bit about imagining Voldemort as a child. But, I don't think it really fits. Everything else in the chapter is what happened to Yaxley. Events, dialogues, etc., and this one sentence is his feelings. While there's nothing inherently wrong with that, it almost feels like a POV shift.
Sorry if that sounds overly critical/ doesn't make sense, I hope that came across clearly. Regardless I thought this was a really good chapter! 10/10Author's Response: Hi again! :)
Ah, I'm glad you liked this chapter, which was of course a little different but I felt necessary! I'm glad to hear you like the sibling relationship, and think that it's relatable. I'm really glad that Astoria had a sister in canon, as writing about Daphne is one of my favourite sub-plots! :)
I kind of made up how Legilimency/Occlumency would function in the story, since it's pretty obscure and confusing for me! I hope it makes sense, at least within the context of this story. I thought that it could work for a mind the person knew well, like Yaxley-his daughters or Voldy-Harry, but with strangers they would need a closer proximity. It's still all rather unclear, however! :P
Thank you very much for pointing that out, it's an excellent point and I really appreciate any advice and feedback! :) I'm planning to re-visit and patch up these early chapters, and your comments are certainly helpful.
Thank you for another wonderful review, you're awesome! :D Report Review
Ok. The best part of this chapter was clearly Malfoy's name for his group. You'd think he could come up with something better! And it's funny how Tor thinks Malfoy is a slimy git, given that she ends up marrying him! ;) I also really like the wizard lullaby.
And regarding your A/N: I wouldn't worry about there not being a lot of plot yet. You're still setting the scene, which understandably takes time as we don't know much about the Slytherins really, since the books are from Harry's pov. So it's nice to get an inside look at how Slytherin house functions before lots of things start happening.Author's Response: Hello again! I know, how ridiculous is that name! I never really saw him as the witty or creative type, however! I really wanted to avoid the fan fiction habit of making Malfoy into a hunky, sensitive heart-throb overnight: at this point in the HP books he's still a slimy git, as you so perfectly put it, and that extends to his treatment of the other Slytherins! Especially since he wants them to respect him, and they're all quite competitive with each other. And I'm glad you appreciate the lullaby! :P
I'm glad you think the plot is progressing well, that's really reassuring to hear! I enjoy writing the Slytherins, but agree that it's difficult to get the plot flowing without setting the scene first and establishing the characters, especially for me as the writer!
Thank you very much for another thoughtful, lovely review! :D Report Review
I'm back again :)
Tor is such an interesting character. I like her, but I don't like her, lol. She picks on everyone, is prejudiced (that's probably much to do with her upbringing) and yet there's something about her that makes her quite relatable. Maybe it's the fact that she has the potential to change, or she acts like any other teenager ("accidentally" forgetting the ugly dress, etc). I don't really know. But she seems like a realistic person and I think she's very intriguing.
The Slytherin boys are funny. I also thought it was hilarious that they were taking Muggle drugs, given the "typical" Slytherin hatred of all things Muggle. But I guess every teenager wants to be a rebel and what better way to do that than with stuff that would make their parents extra furious if they ever found out. ;)
This is a great story so far, I'm really enjoying it!Author's Response: Oh, how wonderful are you, leaving me all these lovely reviews! :) I'm so happy you're continuing to enjoy the story!
I'm glad you're having all these thoughts about Tor! I really want to make her as realistic as possible, and you're right, she's both malicious and relateable. She does change a lot over the course of the story, however, and I absolutely love writing her and giving different sides to her personality.
I'm glad you liked the boys as well, and you're right, they are quite silly! I wanted to make them seem like normal, rather immature teenage boys, while also having that darker edge and naive ambitions.
Thank you for a wonderful review, I'm very excited you're liking the story and the kind words mean a lot to me! :) Off to respond to the other ones now! Report Review
If only you could have been here to see my excitement when I realised you had posted a new chapter. Yay! I was thrilled, and your brilliant writing never lets me down. I absolutely loved basically everything about this chapter. This story is so insanely good that I wish you could publish it and earn lots and lots of money on it, but I know you can't. Even so, I hope you see how good it is!!
You've said before that there was going to be some drama happening at the Ball, so I knew that something was about to happen as soon as I read the chapter title.
Your descriptions are beautiful! I also loved Mrs Yaxley's cold, stern attitude towards the children, and the image of Daphne doing the House Elf Hustle and being carried away on her dad's shoulder was priceless! It was funny how her mother told her not to repeat that mistake, haha! I noticed one typo when you described the snow: "but it’s memory lingers" should probably be: "but its memory lingers".
Also, you add little details about these characters that just make them seem so REAL, which is brilliant. One example is Pyxis telling Theo that he's going to make him take him everywhere once he's got his apparation license - God knows I said those exact same words to my brother when he got his driver's license, and I'm sure every younger sibling has done the same thing as me! ;)
This Christian character was interesting! I knew straight away that it had something to do with Theo being recruited, just like Pyxis had worried about. The way you wrote it was so suspenseful, and I've got so many questions about it! Was Terry the one being tortured? And if so, was it because they know about his and Tor's relationship? Because Theo did think that he deserved it... Well, let's just say I'm really worried about Terry and Tor now, and I MUST know what happens next, haha ;) I do hope that you'll find time to update soon, now that your exams are over! Either way, I'll be on the edge of my seat until then.
The way you describe Tor's feelings for Terry is just so beautiful. This was my favourite quote: "Perhaps we have bled into each other, embodied each other in absence, waiting to emerge when least expected." What a beautiful way of putting it.
What are they going to do now? I hope Tor's reaction doesn't give anything away - Pyxis probably understands what's going on, though. I just hope he can calm her down before anyone else does.
I don't really know what adjective to use to describe this chapter, so I'll give you 3: Great, brilliant, and perfect! I look forward to the next one.Author's Response: Hello! :D Well if only you knew how excited I get when I see I have a new review from you! This is so long and thoughtful, just can't handle the awesome! :)
Ah, I'm glad you liked Mrs. Yaxley, I really need to include her more as she's so dry and entertaining to write! Daphne's little wild moment created an amusing mental image, as well, so I'm glad you appreciated those things! And yes, in many ways the siblings are just like any typical family, minus the dark murdering DE bits! :P The chapter definitely needed some humour before the depressing drama set in!
I am working on the next chapter now, and everything... well, some things will be explained! :) I'm so happy (cue evil author laugh) that you're feeling the suspense and nervous about the characters, it means my attempt at mystery is working! :D
I'm glad you liked those bits as well, and the little mentions of Terry and Tor's relationship. :)
Thank you so much for this amazing review, as always! It really makes me so, so happy and encourages me to get going with the following chapters, words cannot describe how much I appreciate it! :D
Ah, my goodness.
(I still haven't gone back to chapter 6 of Resistance and I am so, so ashamed of myself).
What a cliffhanger! I'm going to suppose that this relates back to chapter one, correct?
I'm at loss for words -- again. *insert parrot-squawk* Please don't do anything to Terry. Please.
I need to add this to my favourites. Excellent work!Author's Response: Hello! :D I'm so glad you took the time to check out this story, and that you're enjoying it! And sorry about the cliffhanger! :P The next chapter is being written, and then all will be explained! Well... maybe.
(And no worries, take your time with the review! :))
This review made me very happy, and I hope you keep reading and enjoying this story and Tor's adventures... and mis-adventures. :) Report Review
Review Tag! I had actually been planning to read this story anyway, so this gave me the perfect opportunity. Also, I was going to just read the first chapter for now but it was oh so suspenseful so I had to keep going. You started this off really well. The prologue definitely pulls the reader in - it was short, full of action and raises lots of questions. I liked it.
So this chapter: I like the way you've characterised the Slytherins. They're nice to each other and have all known each other from childhood, which is cool. You've created a nice feel of community. I like Tor as a narrator. I'm really interested to see the story unfold through her eyes, and how she transforms from the normal fourth year Slytherin to the rebel who's falling apart at the seams as she came across in the prologue. One thing I did wonder though - I'm assuming this is Astoria Greengrass, since you mentioned her sister is Daphne, so why does she say her last name is Yaxley?
That minor question aside, I really enjoyed this so far! You have the beginnings of a great story here. :)Author's Response: Hello! :)
I'm so glad you liked the prologue, and it made you want to keep reading! :) That makes me very happy. I'm a little insecure about these early chapters, so recieving positive feedback is really lovely.
As for this chapter, I'm glad you're enjoying the Slytherins so far. I kind of threw in a lot of OCs at once, since we don't really know anything about the fourth years. I'm glad you enjoyed Tor as well, and yes, she certainly does go through great changes in perspective and action throughout the story! :) She's Astoria Greengrass, but her father is Yaxley: she just goes by her mother's name at school. I liked Yaxley a lot and wanted to integrate him, and this way she gets a different name than the traditional Astoria Greengrass, Draco's wife, since she's a lot more than that! It's explained a little better in upcoming chapters.
Thank you for this really lovely review, and hopefully you'll have a chance to come back at some point! :D Report Review
Lovely chapter, Sorry for the long wait. I like the shift of people's thoughts in this chapter. I wonder how Terry will react to the note, I suppose he has everything to be angry about, but I still hope that he forgives Tor. I like how Albus puts her name on the list of potential death eaters because that is what she is, and yet what she is doing feels wrong. I hope that she and her Slytherin friends can develop friendships that are healthier and show them all the other side.Author's Response: Hello! :)
I'm glad you liked this chapter, and the switching in perspectives. I loved switching it up like that, and am glad it was enjoyable and not too confusing. Dumbledore especially was a lot of fun!
I'm glad you're hoping these things and asking these questions while reading the story, it makes me happy! :D Thank you for yet another wonderful review! :) Report Review
Hello my dear! It took me much longer than I anticipated getting round to reviewing this, but I'm finally back :)
It's hard to know where to start, actually, because there is so much happening in this chapter! So I'll start at the beginning (a very good place to start...)
So I liked how Hermione was the one to find and comfort Tor after she saw Katie being cursed by the necklace. It fits in well with her character, and like you said, although they lead separate lives their worlds do intersect at times. The contrast between Hermione's behaviour towards her and Draco's was really marked for me, and when he threatens to tell Voldy about her talking to a Muggle-born I got so annoyed at him, particularly because she wouldn't have needed Hermione's help in the first place if he hadn't tried to smuggle the necklace into the castle.
The more I see of Draco here the more I wonder how on earth the two are ever going to be married. I actually really hope you do a sequel to this story, because I'd love to read your explanation for how it happened!
Another thing that I liked at the beginning was that you showed Tor's vulnerability. She really is so young and there is so much for her to deal with at her age. She wants to seem grown up before her time, I think, but at moments like these she's reminded that maybe she isn't as strong as she thought she was.
Then the contrast between Draco and Terry was brilliant, too. They seem completely antithetical at this point; whereas Draco chastises and threatens Tor, Terry is the one who calms her and looks after her. They're so sweet together and I really like his character. You've made him a lot more real for me than he ever was in canon because of the depth and the back story you've given him here.
I love the introduction of the name Hyperion! It's quite sweet to think that, even though she goes on to marry Draco Malfoy, there's a part of Tor that still loves Terry and wants to be reminded of him. Although I know that this story isn't going to end with the two of them married, I'm quite apprehensive that Terry might die at the end of this - I know if he does you'll have me crying buckets!
Ah, the kiss. About time, wasn't it? :P So they've finally recognised that they have feelings for each other, beyond the strange sort of friendship they had, which is, undeniably, progress. But then Terry had to let slip to Tor that he's a Muggleborn, confirming all the suspicions that she didn't want to hear. I'm not all that surprised that she ran away from him, with her inherent prejudices about pureblood supremacy, but it still made me sad. I'm interested to see how Terry will react when he finds out that her father is a Death Eater, because he seems pretty firm in his beliefs against them as well. It's going to be a difficult thing for them to overcome if they're going to have any semblance of a relationship.
Goodness, I felt so sorry for Tor at the end of this chapter. While she is prejudiced, it's what she's been taught from the youngest age by the people who mean the most to her, so I can't really blame her for feeling the way she does. I really hope that starts to change in the future, though.
Another fantastic chapter, m'dear!
Sian :)Author's Response: Hola! :)
Can I just let you know how amazing you are for leaving such dedicated, thorough reviews for so many of my stories? Very, very amazing, is how much! :P
Also, I now have Do Ray Me stuck in my head, and am thinking about a Sound of Music/HP crossover. But that could never work... right?
I'm glad you liked Hermione's little cameo, and how their lives intersect just so slightly. It's so fun to integrate the HP characters and events into the story, one of the best things about writing Hogwarts era I think. And yes, Draco is so hypocritical and mean! He does eventually get a bit better, but I wanted to show how awful he was during HBP and avoid the cliche man stud Malfoy of Dramiones as much as possible! :P
Aw, I'm so glad you like Terry! He's actually one of the hardest characters to write for me just because I don't want him to seem too Gary-Sue ish, even though it is through Tor's eyes, who adores him. You're right, there is a big difference between Draco and Terry, and as for what's going to happen well... you'll just have to keep reading and find out! :D If I ever manage to keep updating, that is...
Yes, finally they kissed! :) I'm glad you sympathize with Tor's little freakout, what else could she do after all? I'm glad you're asking these questions and wondering what will happen, it makes me very happy!
Thank you so much for your wonderful review! :D Report Review
Oh Tor's Mum does make me laugh! I love how businesslike she is about Goyle's little crush, although I am feeling very sorry for Astoria as a result of it all! It also made me laugh how all the other Slytherins seemed determined to get them together! Somehow I don't think Amaris is Tor's favourite person at the moment.
One of my favourite things about this chapter is how you included all the little Hogwarts-y details that make the school so wonderful in the books- the helpful portrait, the secret room, the Arachne Orchid, the talking suit of armour. It makes the story so rich and vivid.
Ooh and could this be Tor's muggleborn?! He certainly seems very intriguing, and quite mysterious too... From what I've seen of him, I definitely like him though- he seems like a pretty cool guy! I liked the conversation they had together too, how they got on so well, even though they hadn't known each other long. The secrets thing was a nice way of letting them get to know each other a bit. He seems like a complete contrast not just with Goyle, but with that whole Slytherin gang- I'll be interested to see how his relationship with Astoria develops!
I thought you wrote that bit really well. It was so un-over-the-top, and simple, and understated, but none the less emotional for it.
Another brilliant chapter! Great job!
By the way, I forgot to say in my last review, but I love your new banner!Author's Response: Hello again! :)
I'm glad you liked Tor's mum, and we do get to meet her in person eventually! She's very cold and cynical with occasional bursts of warmth, and entertaining to imagine. I agree, poor Tor! It's not her fault she was nice to Goyle and he got a crush on her, and everyone laughing at her and encouraging him certainly isn't helping. But of course running away from Goyle does send her into the secret room, so maybe she should be thanking him! :P
Ah, I'm glad you liked those details! :) Imagining Tor's awful day within the Hogwarts world is very fun to write.
I'm glad you liked the conversation with the boy, and that he seems like a cool guy so far! You're right, he is quite different from the general Slytherin mentality, which is often just what Tor needs! I'm glad you enjoyed it, as I really wanted to get it right and make the interaction natural and believable.
Thank you for another wonderful review!! :D And I love the banner too! Those TDA artists are just fantastic, aren't they? :) Report Review
I found that this chapter sets the scene incredibly well, despite being,as you say yourself, a bit filler. I enjoyed the dark sense of unease and frustration underlying the pretense of beginning just another year at Hogwarts. If anything, this tone connects the prologue to the first chapter effortlessly, so you have nothing to worry about.
Another connection to the prologue that was kind of neat was Tor reaching out into the mind of her friend. These little gestures show a lot about her. She cares enough to not only pry in others' minds, but also to try and help them. But the rigid social norms surrounding her both at home and at school do not exactly permit openness and intimacy, and so it makes sense that she would be so secretive. It's a nice metaphor for the strong divide between the personal and the political that, I always found, defined the life of the pure-blood families.
At first, when I read this: " They say that the Dark Lord is the greatest Legilimens that history has ever seen, but I am a natural Occlumens and Legilimens. As long as I am alert, He will never penetrate my thoughts." I had to eye-roll a bit because, you know, Mary Sue trait number 1 is that she has unusual abilities that distinguish her from the start. But as I read on, I began to warm up to the idea of Tor being a master mind-reader. Instead of useing it as a plot device, you use it to characterize her, and that makes a world of difference!
This made me particularly happy: "I think back to those younger years, sneaking down to the common room at night to meet with the boys, our other friends, and planning the great new coming of this next generation, the triumphant of mighty Slytherin, and the new world order we would lead. The feeling of being the ULTIMATE generation about to take over the world is not something that is explored often, but I'm quite convinced that that is how it must have felt to live during the Hogwarts era. The world was clearly crumbling in front these kids' eyes. It makes sense that they would cling to some grand narrative about the future in order to give meaning to all of the loss and insecurities they encountered. I kind of try to bring in some of that in my story too, so that makes me like reading this all the more ;)
Basically, this chapter was great in that it had a consistent tone and managed to explore the tension of the social environment. I liked how you threw in a few details from the books to keep us oriented. And you didn't do any info-dumping, but chose the right moments to reveal new information. Not many have the patience for that, so good job!
If I could offer any CC, then it would be to watch out for some inconsistencies in Tor's ideas. On the one hand, she seems to be disgusted by many of the things her fellow Slytherins like, but on the other hand, she seems to still be following along with the Muggle hate and the unquestioning respect for the dark lord, etc. I see that she is conflicted, especially after what happened in the flashback about her father (which was pretty great by the way - only i'm not sure if it's the best idea to itallicize it?). But Maybe it would make sense to address the conflicting emotions directly - explore some of the new ideas she must have been having since the summer. After all, she gew up in a world with no dark lord. he was always just a shadow that hung over her family history. having him actually come back in the flesh must have been a terrible shock.
Oh, and I loved the scene where the Slytherins praise the dark lord and then break down in a laughing fit! it was a great moment of realism - they may be the offspring of some seriously scary people, but they are also still very young.
I'll leave it here for now, but do re-request if you want, I'll gladly read more :DAuthor's Response: Hello again! :) Thanks for continuing onto the next chapter!
It's great to hear you liked this chapter, and thought it set the scene and maintained the pressure of the prologue. It's great you're liking Tor so far, and I agree about her Legilimency skill being a little Mary-Sue ish, but I try to make sure she doesn't rely on it too much and has to work a lot to actually do well. She's just perceptive and guarded, I think, and it's a fun quality to add to the plot of the story! :D
Ah, I'm glad you noticed how powerful they feel, or try to feel, in the crumbling world and society around them! While they have a lot of visions of grandeur, they are quite young and haven't really realized the implications of these things they're involved in. I love writing them as both these terrifying, disillusioned people, but also a little immature and silly at times. :)
Thank you for the very helpful CC, I shall make a note of it! :) I really appreciate all your feedback and input, as I only want to improve this story! Thank you for another wonderful and thoughtful review! :) Report Review
hai! it's Whiskey, a million years late with your requested review :P
hm, well, as a prologue should do, this did draw me in! Two things worked for me in particular:
First, I was immediately intrigued by this sentence: " Because I know him I’m sure he’s taking his measurements of the room before showing he is alert." It's not easy to give a beaten up victim much depth of character, since it's such a typical (for literature, not for real life, I hope!) situation. I found it interesting that she would try to figure out what he is feeling and thinking. We simultaneously get a feeling for who this boy is and that there is an intimacy between them. Quite honestly, I'd add a few more such details, if I were you, just to intensify the experience.
Secondly, I enjoyed this: "Nott – the father of my childhood best friend, his mahogany wand pointed so menacingly at the boy on the floor, that same wand which made bunches of fireworks and stars ricochet out of it on my ninth birthday." It's a very powerful contrast that pinpoints how quickly things can escalate and how easy it is to get carried away without knowing what you are doing and where you actually stand. While she was a child, she wasn't old enough to understand the people she was dealing with, but as she grows up and begins to see more clearly, she is already in way too deep. It's very tragic and also quite realistic. I like that you tried to add a level of conflcit to our narrator - this removes some of the black-and-whiteness that is typical for such stories. If I could offer you any advice here, it would be to, again, delve somewhat deeper into her feelings. She is disgusted now, yes, but was she always? How is she handling the guilt? Or is she so strongly defiant against her family that she refuses to admit that she used to be (and still is) one of them?
Well, as you see you got me asking questions, which means that you have me hooked :P In fact, I'll just go ahead to the next chapter and review that as well heheAuthor's Response: Hello! :)
I'm glad the prologue drew you in, and I completely agree with adding more details! :) It's great to hear you felt the boy had some depth despite his brief and limited appearance, and that you could sense the tension between them. The story basically goes back to the beginning in the upcoming chapters and builds up to this one moment.
I'm glad you can already sense all the contrasts and complications of her world, and how her past and her individual thoughts are confused. She's already in very deep, and trying to escape is really dangerous. Again, that's an excellent point about adding more details, and I'll keep it in mind when I get a chance to edit this chapter! :)
Thank you very much for this lovely review! :D Report Review
And The truth comes out. Tor reaction to the knowledge that terry is pureblood is I feel logical even if it is dissapointing. I wnt so badly for tor to be more than what her lineage lays out for her to be, and yet the realization that Boot is Muggleborn, and she reacts just as would be expected as a pureblood. What I like about this is that you did capture a realistic reaction from Tor and Terry from this and displayed it very well. Tor isn't yet at the development that she could easily let something to that huge extent just go, especially because of how she was rasied and how much she cares about her family. Though I can also tell that she really cares about Terry as well and I see teh inner turmoil that she is facing. This was a great chapter! See you soon.Author's Response: Hello! :) Yes, the truth is finally out! I think Tor suspected something was up all along, to be honest, but now that it's out in the open she can't pretend anymore. I'm glad you thought her reaction made sense, and that you're rooting for her to change! :)
You're perfectly right, Tor has been raised a certain way and it takes a lot for her to follow her emotions and to stop thinking rationally. I'm glad you liked the inner turmoil- lots more coming! - and the chapter itself. Thank you so much for a wonderful review, as ever! :) Report Review
A very wonderful chapter! I like Tor remembering tehr elationship she had with Daphne when they were children. I also really enjoyed the fight between theo and Draco and how she taled them down. As to Snape well, you write him differntly than what i'm used to reading but then this is from a canon slytherin's pov as well, and it interesting. Loving everything as always, looking forward to more. See you soon.Author's Response: Hi! :) I'm glad you liked the relationship and tensions between Daphne and Tor, I based their memories a little on me and my sister! I'm glad you liked the confrontation and how Tor got involved, that was quite brave of her and petty of the boys, don't you think? And yes, Snape is a little nicer to Tor and the others than the Harry, but I hope he still seemed canon. Thank you very much for another wonderful review, you're the best! :D Report Review
Hey! I'm so sorry for how long this requested review has taken! I've been so busy lately with work that I haven't had time to really read much ff lately. Thank you so much for your patience.
I can see why your prologue would have a good response as it is a great start to the story. It pulls the reader right into the action of the story and leaves the reader with a lot of questions. Which is always a good thing for a prologue to do. It also gives us enough information to know bits and pieces of who this woman is and what pressures she has to deal with. It definitely draws the reader in and functions really great as a beginning of the story type chapter.
From this chapter you can tell that your main character seems to have some issue with what's going on and may not agree fully with the practices that are going on around her though there is no way out for her. So she just goes through the motions of trying to just survive. I liked some of the ideas you brought in that made this chapter more sinister how that even though she was dressed by these people, played with their sons and daughters they would not hesitate to kill her as well. That was really vivid and brought out the harshness of these people.
One critique I could give is that I wish there was a little more description. I felt like seeing the action a little more in my head would have pulled me into the tale a bit more however there were moments i just couldn't really see what was happening. You did a good job of getting across her emotions and her fears but it just felt like she was floating in space sometimes without a setting. Description and detail will help make the chapter even more pulling than it already is. It'll make your story stand out from the rest.
Everything else about the chapter was fine though. I felt like it wasn't at all confusing and you did a good job at showing where your characters are standing and i'm really interested to see how this girl has come to this point in her life and why, after being surrounded by Death Eaters, she hasn't adopted those beliefs herself.
Great job! Thank you so much for requesting from me and i'm really sorry again for how long it has taken. If you liked this review feel fee to request again :)Author's Response: Hi! No worries at all, I'm just glad you see you got the chance to read the story! :)
I'm glad you liked the prologue, and that it pulled you into the story as that's the intention. It's good to hear it raises questions, and let me tell you many of those won't be answered until much later in the story! :P
I'm glad you could identify the characterizations of the main character and the contradictions she goes through. You're right, there are certain expectations even if she's learned to question them, and I'm glad you liked the sinister contrast of her familiarity with the Death Eaters yet the danger they present.
That's an excellent point, and I'll keep it in mind when going back to edit the story! :) I definitely agree, and will try to flesh out the story a little.
Thank you very much for this lovely review, it was certainly worth the wait! :) Report Review
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