Hey there dear! Right, first off, this is beautifully written. Audrey has absolutely no memory of her past life, and you can really see that in this chapter. You've made No-memory-Audrey a completely different person to the real Audrey Stebbins which for me is what works because if you have none of your memories, you're not the same, are you? And I absolutely adored the part where Andrew was describing their mother and their lives previous, it got me all emotional! But I would perhaps change the tense that it was written in, as it seems a bit weird in the present tense- the character is dictating to us, the reader, what she is seeing at the same time she is seeing it and I don't know about you, but I've never told anyone what I'm doing or seeing as it's happening to me :P
But overall it was a great chapter, and I can't wait to find out who Audrey's man is ;)Author's Response: Hi! Thanks so much for stopping by. I chose the present tense (though I usually use past) because I want to really get into Audrey's head in the moment, as she experiences things, and sort of put a stress on the concept of the present, which is a theme of the story. :) Thanks for your feedback! Report Review
Wistful from the forums with a review swap! :3
This was so incredibly suspenseful from beginning to end of this chapter. I've always been more of a third point of view writer/reader, but I just loved how you pulled of this narrative. i can easily see the emotions and thoughts from just the dialogue and how she thinks. I would think its incredibly difficult to write someone losing their memory considering its not like they remember much. In muggle cases, I believe there is some sort of statistic that says the majority of times people just lose bits of their memory or gets them back eventually. With a Memory charm, i was wondering if it was the same case? But I really did like how you wrote her when she first woke up. Everything seemed to slowly drift into her. In a way, I sort of understood. Like it was one thought to another, slowly noticing more things and thinking more and asking questions as the sentence goes on. I found this perfectly realistic.
It would make sense that you wake up with nothing to remember but with the intelligence of a full grown woman that you might just notice first that you woke up and second the shape of the room. The you wrote in how she saw the room, helping to paint the picture. Some of the words you used would seem kind of repetitive in some other sense, but you used it to help paint the picture to what she was seeing - almost like you painted the picture for her, not the readers. And I just love love love love love love love love love love the plot. The idea of this character taking away her own memory and giving herself another chance. Its a fantastic idea, really. How did you think of it? I'm super curious to see how this goes along.
Also I'm suffering feels for this brother. They both want the girl back, his sister. Its so woah to see everything slowly come together for the girl and how everyone believed she was more her again even though she wasn't so sure herself. I love how you wrote the brother. And the flow of your story is just as fantastic. it all worked so smoothly together with no problem with tenses or odd bumps in the road. I do have to say it was like it moved too fast, one second no memory, next family and feeling more herself, and then a friend. It was a bit too fast for my liking, but besides that, I honestly loved this story. Keep writing!Author's Response: Thanks for the swap! :) I'm glad you enjoyed it! Report Review
Hi! Siriusly89 here with your severly overdue requested review! :D
Can I just say before I begin that this is such an interesting take on a story I've read on this site so far? It's so original!
As for your concerns:
It is most definitely not boring! Nothing major happens in this chapter, but it stuff pulls people in subtely, and it flows so well that you reach the end, and you sort of go 'Oh!', because you didn't even notice!
And your OC's are just phenominal! Audrey seems so confused, and just sort of desperate to become the person she was, and the person every expects her to be! It must be just terrifying to wake up and not have the slightest inlinking as to who you are!
My heart went out to Andrew! I mean, he obviously loves his sister and it must be so hard for him that she doesn't even know who he is! All the memories were very cute and kind of made me smile a little, as they are so normal and everyday, but so important!
Brilliant beginning! If you ever want another review, you know where I am!Author's Response: Thank you for stopping by! :) I may re-request when I get another chapter up. Report Review
hey there, it's Whiskey from the formus. I'm sorry for taking absolutely forever to get to your request - I'm a terribly undisciplined reviewer, but I try! :P
You have an interesting premise here! I liked how you compared Audrey's memory-whipe with suicide by having her leave a note. It's an interesting philosophical idea that a person is a collection of their memories, and once those are gone, so is that person. You illustrated the idea nicely with the cauldron cakes. She only likes them because of what they mean to her - it's not some sort of genetic predesposition. I found that to be a very nice touch!
I also liked the end. Although it's just a chapter in a WIP and not a one-shot (right?), it tied things up nicely. We saw her accept her situation, realize that she is not that different from others, and begin to fill up her mind with details that are pertaining not to her past, but to her present.
The analogy between Audrey's "empty slate" and the empty room she wakes up in was also quite a neat narrative addition. I liked this: "The room slowly accumulates a personality of its own." On the one hand, that sentence implies that Audrey is developing her own personality, but it also draws attention to the contrast between who she was and who she is now, sending a less optimistic message.
Speaking of the room, though, I found that you had a strange way of describing it towards the beginning. It was always "cold, square", "clean, white", "stiff white" etc. Always two very general adjectives paired together. I found they didn't help me picture the room and it seemed like a bit overkill and repetitive. I think it would be easy to fix if you, instead of lining up adjectives, just gave one or two of them their own sentences that would elaborate on them some more. Explain what the whiteness, the coldness or the emptiness felt like!
Another thing that struck me was when her brother said this: "We didn’t care, we were kids and we’d eat anything she put in front of us..." Do kids eat anything their parents give them? I thought kids were the most difficult to pease and are notorious for being a complete pain about food? They always want pizza or, i dunno, haribo, right? As far as I know, kids can get really tedious if they decide there is a food they categorically won't eat, like cheese or olives, something like that... I don't know much about kids, but from everything I've heard and read, they are very unlikely to eat up "creative dishes". :P
Also, eh...the rugged muscley guy who suffers from a tickling charm...He IS lying, right? If he isn't then, well, did it have to be a tickling charm? XD It's just kind of absurd and silly and doesn't fit with the tone of the rest of the story. And if he gets fits only once in a while, why does he have to stay in the hospital all the time? Couldn't they have figured out some meds/counter-jynx/physio-therapy for him in the 6 months he had been there?
Those three points are really all the CC I have! The rest, I found, was nicely written and at times quite touching (when her brother remembers their mother, for example)! It got me hooked, both because I want to know what drove Audrey to obliviated her own brain to bits, but also because I want to read more about St. Mungo life - it seems to be filled with fun, underrated people :DAuthor's Response: Thanks for the wonderful review! xD I love your CC because I can't disagree with any of it, and I'll definitely think over points and see what I can do to work on them! Report Review
Hi, Elphaba here with your requested review!
First of all, the premise for this story is intriguing, and that had me sucked in immediately. Once I started reading, your writing had me wanting to continue. :)
Your physical descriptions are just right, vivid without feeling overdone. Here are just a couple of sentences that struck me:
"My fingers are long and clever, and my nails are short and neat."
"The sheets are tucked tightly around me, like a starched white cocoon."
I also love that you include all five senses in your writing, even smell (ink and outdoors).
I found two very minor typos in this entire chapter. I'm not sure that they're worth editing, but here they are: "I had the note back to the Healer, who reads it over," and, "Up close, he looks even rougher and scruffier than he did from across the roob."
Also, I caught one little nit-picky canon detail. You describe the old woman in the vulture hat carrying a dark-haired infant. In the books, Neville has blonde hair. I'm not sure how important that is, especially since he had brown hair in the movies. :)
Darius seems just as interesting a character as Audrey. Your descriptions of him (including his looks, his voice and his mannerisms) make him seem real. His "tickling" malady made me chuckle a bit, even as I felt sorry for him.
I really like this story so far! The mystery of what really happened to Audrey has loads of potential, as do her struggles to regain her life (or start a new one).
I can't help wondering whether she erased her memory because of Sirius?Author's Response: Hi! :) Thank you so much for pointing out the typos, as I tend to have issues with things like that (not sure what a "roob" is...) and the canon details! I'll go back and make Neville blond for sure!
Thanks for your review, you've been quite helpful :) Report Review
Hey it's patronus_charm with your review!
I loved the start to this story, as it's so unusual it really intriguied me, as it almost reminded me of a prison cell, due to the squareness of the room, and the whitness as well, as it's so impersonal it made me want to read on, and find out why they are there.
Your description was amazing! You took a real care to describe everything in perfect detail, that it was so vivid you could just imagine it before you. It wasn't just the big things that you described as well, it was the little things, like the steam coming off the tea, and just adding that made it so much more believable.
I've never really read any story centered memory loss, so I'm not much of an expert on it, but I found that you wrote if very accuratly. The fact that she seemed to be confused by her surroundings and basic details, seemed very believable:)
The old Audrey seems very funny, especially the part about how the teachers hated her, as most people feel that, when in fact it's probably far from the truth! I also like the new Audrey and her determination to try and recover her memory, as even though she's a Hufflepuff, you can definitely see some Gryffindor in there to.
You managed to convey so many emotions in this story, from humour as she's trying to unravel the story, to sorrow as Andrew describes what there mother was like, and determination, which was really good as it meant the story never got boring:)
I really want to know why Audrey put the memory charm on herself, because it must have been for some deep and dark reason, as it's not something you would do lightly.
The only CC I have really is, that I was a bit confused as to when this was set, so perhaps if you added one line in stating then, it would give me a clearer view of the story.
Other than that I thought this was an amazing start, as I've never read anything like this before, and I'm intriguied as to what happens next!Author's Response: Thanks for your feedback! This story is out of my comfort zone, so I'm glad it reads okay so far!
I tried to stick some little clues about the time period into the first chapter, like the title of the newspaper she's reading in her memory, and Augusta Longbottom coming to visit the Hospital. I'll try to figure out something else I can stick in there to make it seem more concrete!
Thanks again! :) Report Review
Hi! I'm here for review swap!
Wow, what an awesome surprise! I've never read a story with memory loss as a main plot point, but this was a fantastic place to start. I honestly loved everything about this chapter, so prepare for gushing and fangirling ahead :)
The way you begin the chapter is brilliant. Your descriptions--the stark hospital room Audrey's realization that her memory is blank--create an ominous picture, and it's a really interesting note to start on.
Actually, I really loved your description all throughout the chapter, not just the beginning. You take the time to describe such minute details, like the texture of a cauldron cake or the feel of Darius's hand as Audrey shakes it, and it's so much fun to really delve into those descriptions. Your details are well-chosen, and I never feel like I'm bogged down with too much imagery and not enough story. You strike a wonderful balance.
Audrey's narration is fascinating, too. She seems to look at everything with an air of curiosity, and yet she's not preoccupied with finding out everything about her past. She seems more focused on the future and her new life, which I think is so unexpected. I'm very excited to learn more about her!
I love your supporting cast as well, especially Andrew. I really liked hearing him tell Audrey stories of their childhood, and yet it was kind of sad. You can tell he's so connected with the stories, while Audrey just can't find any personal meaning in them. I can see how hard it must be for Andrew to have to explain their family life to his own sister, who experienced it with him.
There is literally nothing I would change about this chapter. However, I think a revamped summary would help this story tremendously. I don't know how to explain it exactly, but your summary didn't really grab me when I read it. Of course, the chapter itself is just fantastic, but I think your summary needs a little more of a punch to draw people in. I'd shorten it, and maybe choose a quote that captures the mystery of the story. Something from the first few paragraphs would be great, I think :)
Okay, done gushing now! I loved this, and it's going in my favorites for sure! Wonderful job, and thank you so much for agreeing to swap with me :)
--MaggieAuthor's Response: Aww, thank you so much! :) It was definitely out of my comfort zone when I started writing it, so I'm glad it's working out so far - especially descriptions! I was thinking, "what would it be like to see the world with new eyes?"
I'll work on my summary, thanks for pointing that out! I'm not good at those things :/
Going over to read yours now! Thanks again :) Report Review
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