Reading Reviews for The Monster Within
  
15 Reviews Found

Review #1, by maskedmuggle I will always be a monster

12th July 2014:
Hey!

This was a really great story, I thought you portrayed the Marauders really well and realistically presented Remus' perspective of things as a werewolf. From the beginning I thought it was very realistic, in the way you described Remus' transition into the werewolf, and how Remus initially is entirely werewolf - and violent - before gradually realising who the other animals are. I liked how they were quite playful with each other at the end, but your story also made me realise just how much of a risk the other Marauders were taking at being animagi and running alongside Remus - it really would have been so easy for an accident to occur. The last line makes me a bit sad at how Remus continues to think he's a monster.. but it's such a believable thing for Remus to think. Nicely written :)

- Charlotte/maskedmuggle
House Cup 2014 Review

Author's Response: Hello again!

Thank you so much for this lovely review! It really means a lot to me! ♥

I'm so glad you think I wrote Remus and the Marauders really well! They're definitely a few of my favourite characters and I'm so glad you thought I wrote them realistically! :D

- Kayla :)


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Review #2, by UnluckyStar57 I will always be a monster

12th July 2014:
Oooh, this was really descriptive! You captured the pain of Lupin's transformation really well, and the way he romped about with Padfoot and Prongs. They were roughhousers, but you really showed just how rough they were. Also, the vivid details of the scenery were really nice to imagine. Good use of description in just 500 words!

It makes me sad that Lupin thinks he's a monster, though. He's not. I wish that he would believe that. :/ I'm glad and a little surprised that he's so human as a werewolf--his thoughts are very humanistic, so that indicates that he's really not a monster at all.

House Cup 2014 Review

~UnluckyStar57

Author's Response: Thank you so much for this amazing review! I absolutely love you for this! :D

- Kayla :)


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Review #3, by Veritaserum27 I will always be a monster

11th July 2014:
Hi!

I don't know if I've ever reviewed something of yours before and now I can't imagine why not! This was amazing! Every detail was beautifully crafted and I felt like I was becoming the werewolf. You did a great job describing the transformation as well as Lupin's emotions to all of it. He was animalistic, but still had a small part of that human quality that crept in enough to remember that who he was and that he was with his friends. The description of his heightened senses was beautiful and captivating. I am always impressed with five hundred wore stories, but his one was particularly spectacular. Very nice job! Thanks for writing this.

House Cup 2014 Review

Author's Response: Thank you so much! I'm flailing everywhere because of this review, I hope you know that! :P

I can't say anything else except thank you! ♥

- Kayla :)


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Review #4, by jessicalorewrites I will always be a monster

11th July 2014:
Hey!

I haven't read anything from the POV of Remus during his changing before so I don't have much to compare this to, but wow is it detailed!! I know you wrote this for the 5 senses challenge but it is so rich with smells and sights and sounds, I'm just... blown away! It's amazing how well you wrote this!! Especially since he is a werewolf and I think all of his senses would be heightened like in the way you present them.

To be honest, I wasn't really expecting him to recognise the other Marauders in his werewolf form. This kind of goes against everything I've ever thought about that state of mind, but it was a sweet touch nonetheless, and very well written still. That last line was so heartbreaking. "After all, I am still a monster". It's just horrible to think about Remus believing stuff like that.

Overall a thoroughly enjoyable chapter that touches on important things like friendship and internal debate. I loved it!

xo

{House Cup 2014 Review - Gryffindor}

Author's Response: Thank you so much for this lovely review! You're so sweet! ♥

- Kayla :)


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Review #5, by Pretense Of Perfection I will always be a monster

10th July 2014:
I'm not sure i've ever read anything from Remus' POV during his transition and while he was a werewolf, or if I have, not anything so detailed. I love how you included his senses in this, because his transformation seems to me like it would be very sense based. His sight, hearing, smell, touch, and taste would all probably be in overdrive, and I imagine it would be hard for him to concentrate on anyting else at first. I like how once he sees all three of his friends there in his animagus form he slightly remembers who he is, enough to know that he doesn't want to hurt them. Their interactions with one another during this time are also spot on, to me at least. I see them playing and teasing each other, having a good time, but I imagine there is always that undercurrent of danger and intrigue, like Lupin could snap at any moment and rip one of them to shreds. It's a true testament to their bond that he doesn't, and that they trust him enough not to. I love the title as well, because it so accurately captures the way Remus feels about himself, even if it is sad.

--house cup 2014 review--
gryffindor

Author's Response: Thank you so much!!

I'm so glad you enjoyed this! I'm actually quite proud of this story and seeing you (and others) liking it makes me so happy :D

Thank you so much! ♥

- Kayla :)


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Review #6, by ImagineHarmony I will always be a monster

7th July 2014:
Hello Kayla! Your writing is phenomenal. Seriously. I loved how you showed that animal instinct and dangerous side to Remus and how at first he doesn't recognize Sirius or James. That description of him transforming was disturbing and fantastically written. I think you've perfectly grasped what Remus probably felt when he turned and the "After all, I am still a monster." line is just perfect. I love the sad darkness you conveyed and Remus' hatred for his true self. I think ending it on that note was just sealing the ribbon on a perfect story.

- House Cup 2014 Review | Hufflepuff

Author's Response: Thank you so much, Tawi!

I'm actually really quite proud of this story so I'm glad you liked it. It's truly an honour for you to read my stories, I swear! ♥

Thank you so much for the review!

- Kayla :)


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Review #7, by Debra20 I will always be a monster

16th July 2013:
Hey there Kayla! I'm here to leave my thoughts on this astounding piece! I am absolutely impressed with your description talents. Description's never easy, especially when you're striving to write a 500 words piece while caring for plot and characterisation. Not to mention that describing it from Remus' POV makes it even harder as he's an animal when he transforms into a werewolf, and animals don't think like us. I think you did a very good job at describing his conflicting thoughts and emotions. On one side the smells of his friends were familiar, but it wasn't until he met their eyes that he realised who they were and stopped attacking them.

I think it was a poignant scene that spoke much in few words. It showed the bond between the Marauders when they were acting as animals, and that is something I've never read before. Kudos for the story. Great job!

Author's Response: Hello again!

I'm so glad you like it! This is one of my favourites out of all of them. I'm very proud of this one-shot. :)

Thank you so much for this lovely review!

- Kayla. :)


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Review #8, by teh tarik I will always be a monster

15th July 2013:
Kayla! Wow. This is an amazing piece! I've read several stories about Remus during his transformation, and yours is right up there with the very best. It's such a short piece, and yet there's so much in it. You've managed to capture Remus' initial pain, and his gradual loss of human control and transition to a more animal, instinctual state. Your use of visual imagery is excellent, and the descriptive paragraphs were beautiful without being overdone - and they were of the right kinds of details - the details that a werewolf would notice.

I love the whole part about Remus' heightened senses. And the bit where the other Marauders appeared was wonderful. It's not all fun and games, there's adventure, but it's a dangerous sort of adventure, a very perilous line that those three are treading, and you've shown this brilliantly.

Amazing story, Kayla!

-teh

Author's Response: Hey, teh!

I'm so glad you like this! This is one of my proudest one-shots (does that even make sense?).

Thank you so much for this amazing review, you really put a big grin on my face! :D

- Kayla. ♥


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Review #9, by cypress I will always be a monster

28th May 2013:
Hi there! cypress here with your review for the Five Senses Challenge. I'm so terribly sorry for taking so long to get to this. But I'm here now and hoping to get the entries read and reviewed and the results out shortly!

Anyway, thanks for your entry! I think this story is super imaginative. I like your idea of showing us the werewolf's perspective. You've done a great job with your adjectives and clearly had a good sense for the scene as you intended it to play out.

I think as far as constructive criticism, I'd have liked to see a little bit more personification maybe. I spotted a few places where you could have used that or another type of metaphor to express the same idea in fewer words. "I roar, hearing it echo in the lonely forest. It rumbles through my chest and I lift my head up, howling to the full moon; a shrill, piercing sound that resonates throughout the whole grounds." Another way to write this would have been by just describing the roar - something like "A roar rumbles through my chest and escapes as a howl, shrill and piercing." Or something. What I mean is, instead of using "I" as the subject and "roar" as the verb, make your "roar" the subject noun throughout that whole phrase. You did it a bit where you said "It rumbles in my chest," but you could have gone farther with it if you wanted to and it wouldn't have taken away from the scene at all.

Otherwise, I don't have much to say. I think that if you ever decided to flesh this out, you could certainly talk more about the actual transformation. Maybe describe the pain a bit more. But I realize that's not exactly pleasant to write about! ;) Overall though, really nice job. Thanks so much for submitting this! I really enjoyed reading it. :)

x cypress

Author's Response: Hello! You seem to have posted this twice, once on your account and once when you weren't logged in. So I'll just respond to this one, I'm not being rude I swear! :p

No, no, don't apologise for the delay! I completely understand - it takes time and energy to review!

Wow, thank you so much! I'm glad you liked it; I've never seen a Werewolf!Remus one-shot, so I'm glad that it's imaginative. :)

Ah yes, I understand. I probably would have made it a bit longer but I was trying to fit it into the 500 word challenge. But I'll see if I can reword it and shuffle it around. If I don't, please don't take offence to me not changing it, I don't mean to be rude to you or anything! I will try to change it but I have limited time and I hate editing. :p

But I do understand what you're getting at. I'll definitely take on the advice, so thank you! :)

Thank you so much for this review and thank you again for the honourable mention, it means a lot to me!

Glad you enjoyed! :)


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Review #10, by cypress I will always be a monster

28th May 2013:
Hi there! cypress here with your review for the Five Senses Challenge. I'm so terribly sorry for taking so long to get to this. But I'm here now and hoping to get the entries read and reviewed and the results out shortly!

Anyway, thanks for your entry! I think this story is super imaginative. I like your idea of showing us the werewolf's perspective. You've done a great job with your adjectives and clearly had a good sense for the scene as you intended it to play out.

I think as far as constructive criticism, I'd have liked to see a little bit more personification maybe. I spotted a few places where you could have used that or another type of metaphor to express the same idea in fewer words. "I roar, hearing it echo in the lonely forest. It rumbles through my chest and I lift my head up, howling to the full moon; a shrill, piercing sound that resonates throughout the whole grounds." Another way to write this would have been by just describing the roar - something like "A roar rumbles through my chest and escapes as a howl, shrill and piercing." Or something. What I mean is, instead of using "I" as the subject and "roar" as the verb, make your "roar" the subject noun throughout that whole phrase. You did it a bit where you said "It rumbles in my chest," but you could have gone farther with it if you wanted to and it wouldn't have taken away from the scene at all.

Otherwise, I don't have much to say. I think that if you ever decided to flesh this out, you could certainly talk more about the actual transformation. Maybe describe the pain a bit more. But I realize that's not exactly pleasant to write about! ;) Overall though, really nice job. Thanks so much for submitting this! I really enjoyed reading it. :)

x cypress

Author's Response: Thank you! :)

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Review #11, by Siriusly89 I will always be a monster

24th March 2013:
Hi there! Siriusly89 here with the *sob!* last review of your prize!

I have enjoyed reading these three pieces so much! Just a reminder as to why you’re one of my favourite authors! *queue shameless fangirling*

Remus Lupin one-shot! Oooh yes! I am game for this one! He is one of my favourite characters ever, so I love this already, and I haven’t gotten past the first line!

You put a complete new twist on transforming into a werewolf. The sharper vision is a completely new thing, but now I think about it, it sort of makes sense? Werewolfs need to be able to see their prey from far away, so this really does ‘fit’ with the whole werewolf transformation thing.

The fact that this is set in Marauders era is also something different. Uusally when I read pieces about Remus’ transformation, they’re set in ‘Pre-Hogwarts’ or ‘Post-Sirius-Dying’, where Remus remembers sadly what it was like to run around the place with James, Sirius and Peter.

In the middle there for a bit, I thought it was set during POA, you know, when Remus attacked Sirius at full moon, and Peter escaped (you know when I mean!) but then the stag made his entrance, and I was all like “THAT’S JAMES!”

I also like how Remus recognised them, and stopped, er, attempting to kill them. Him snapping at James’ heels telling him to back off was a good inclusion though, because as he aptly said, he is a werewolf who could kill them if he wanted to, so don’t push him too hard, even if he does know who they are.

The last line had a slightly humorous feel to it, or is that just me? I can just see him saying this, half-smiling if that makes any sense whatsoever.

No? Just me? I have a weird sense of humour. . . .

Ah well.

10/10 again! (Three in a row!) How could I give it less?

Author's Response: Hiya! :D

Aww, thank you! :'D You're far too kind, missy!

Yeah, the last line is meant to be a bit humorous, he is a Marauder, remember. ;)

Thank you so much for all these reviews and compliments, every time I read the reviews I had this massive grin on my face. :D

And thanks again for the second place! ♥


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Review #12, by Violet Gryfindor I will always be a monster

13th February 2013:
This was a fascinating snapshot of Remus's transformation, his first once the other Marauders had mastered the Animagus spell. You describe the physical effects of the transformation in a very effective way, with a great focus on verbs, on bodily function and physicality. There's a great sense of action in this one-shot, even in the details of how each of Remus's muscles seem be constantly in motion. Do watch that you don't repeat words too often, especially adjectives, but there was also a repetition of "ripped" that, in a story of this length, stands out.

When I first read this, I wasn't sure about his moment of recognition and, I suppose one could call it acceptance, of his friends' presence. Maybe it's just me, but there seems to be a twist of humour in that last line, like the monstrosity has become something he has to act out. What I wondered about was the suddenness of the turn, how quickly he moves from thirsting for their blood to playing with them. That's something you might want to take a closer look at, even still. I like the fact that he does play with them at the end, but it happens a little too quickly for it to suit the heavier darkness of the rest of the story.

I've never read a story like this, depicting this moment from Remus's point of view. It's a fantastic idea that works very well with the Every Word Counts challenge, allowing you to offer just enough of a snapshot to bring out the combination of horror and fun that's very important to this aspect of the Marauders' history. I'm becoming wordy, so I'll end by letting you know that this was a great read! It'll be great to see what kind of things you write next! :)

Author's Response: :O Thank you!

I just noticed that as well, thanks for pointing it out, I've just gone to fix it. :)

See, I was a bit like that when I wrote it, but I remember Remus saying that he was able to communicate well with them, and assuming this is their seventh year they would have had about about 35 (holidays, and other commitments etc.) full moons together, so by then I think it would have been easier for Wolf!Remus to recognise them. :)

Hopefully that clears it up for you!

Ahhh! Thank you so much for all your kind compliments, you're just wonderful! ♥


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Review #13, by Jchrissy I will always be a monster

11th February 2013:
Hi, Kayla!

I love reading about Remus transforming with his friends. We know he was able to keep himself a bit more being around them, and I think you displayed that really well here.

The progression Remus goes through, from being driven mad by the scent and needing to attack, to steadily realizing who these things are and accepting their companionship.

I loved that he's still fierce even while being 'playful'... Like he thinks, he's still a monster. But he's come to adjust to his pack and I think you showed that perfectly here.

I would take a look at your first paragraph. You used slowly a handful of times, making it feel a bit rough. It smoothed out considerably right after that though :) so maybe just editing a few of the of the adverbs out in favor of more description.

Besides that, this was a really awesome piece and I can't think if a better moment to use for the 500 word challenge. I really felt the transformation and the adjustment from blood thirsty to pack member. Every sentence you used went a long way in creating a really vivid piece.

Really great read, m'dear!


Jami

Author's Response: Hey, Jami! :D

Aww thank you! I love Wolf!Remus. :D

I'm pretty sure in the books he says that he was able to communicate better with the rest of the Marauders when they were their Animagi forms. So I tried to incorporate that in there. I'm glad I pulled it off! :D

I did too, thank you for pointing that out! I haven't been able to edit it yet, I'll definitely fix that up soon!

Thank you so much for all your compliments, you're far too kind. ♥


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Review #14, by patronus_charm I will always be a monster

5th February 2013:
First of all can I just what an awesome banner this story has, I'm so jealous of it!

I've never really read many stories from Remus's perspective as a wolf, so I was surprised at how interesting and humanistic his perspective was.

I liked how he recognised the rat, stag, and dog, and it was almost as if they were human, and this was just them running around and playing pranks. So I guess it shows us that animals and humans are very similar!

Your description was great, and it allowed me to have very vivid imagery in my head!

A great one-shot! Kiana :)

Author's Response: I KNOW! The banner is AMAZING! I saw it in the UFG AGES ago and I knew I wanted it. But I never had a plot bunny for it.

But then I finally had one so I could finally claim it! It was just so perfect and pretty and WOW! :D

Anyway, enough about the perfect banner. :p

I haven't read many either, I was afraid it may have been too humanistic but in my opinion, I think he had a thought process but it was clouded with the wolf within him.

I'm pretty sure in the book, it stated that he could get along with them because they were animals. And since they would have known each other for a while, I think Wolf!Remus would have slowly learnt to recognise them. :)

I'm glad you liked it, I've never been great at description! :p

Thanks for the review! :D


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Review #15, by PhoenixPulse I will always be a monster

1st February 2013:
Though this is short, this is really powerful for a one-shot! And what I adore most is that you had written it in Lupin's point of view. Poor Remus, the poor darling. He doesn't even rocognize Sirius at first!

I enjoy your emphasis on Remus' senses as well in the beginning. They were very detailed and precise.

And I like the transformation/shift of the story. It goes from intense, and should I say, dark (?), to playful and light-hearted. I couldn't help but scowl in contempt though at the mention of Peter. I don't know, but I can't ever enjoy his character without being reminded of how disgustingly unloyal he is. Selfish, undeserving...I'll stop. >:

Anywho, lovely one shot, dearie! :)

Author's Response: Aww thanks, Pearl! :D

I'm glad you liked it, it was quite a challenge to write!

ahaha in my opinion, if people don't include Peter I get annoyed. :p I hate him with a burning passion (stupid rat) but I believe that in his Hogwarts days he must have been a pretty good friend if the other Marauders were willing to lay their lives down for him. *shrugs*

Anyway, thanks for another lovely review and sorry for how long it took to respond!


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