The whole title, theme and plot for this is genius and very original. The description of love being "quiet and fragile" is beautiful and lovely - a perfect description for someone like Narcissa who can easily come across as quite icy. The innocence in which you portray her - living in memories - contrasts with the her bitterness towards Lucius and the dark lord, in which you balanced perfectly - making her naive and experienced at the same time. The whiteness of her wedding dress also adding the purity and innocence of her. The description is beautiful - very vivid. I love the use of temperatures and imagery throughout the piece, and also the dark and light imagery. It describes her life in and out of the darkness - misery darkness with the dark lord, finding light apart - and Lucius both of them. The quote from John Green is extremely relevant, and set a tragic tone to the piece.
Overall, a fascinating and creative chapter that's gripping with exquisite detail :D Report Review
Hi, there! Dan here with your Gryffindor February Review Swap.
I thought this story was really interesting because of all of the inherent ambiguity in the way that you wrote it. It painted a terrific picture of a very conflicted, somewhat confused young woman who seems to be mourning the end of her childhood while being a little bit excited about what the future is going to bring.
On my first read-through, I was tempted to think that Narcissa had nothing but bad feelings about her upcoming marriage. The way she empathizes with the memories trapped in her mother's house and yearns for the freedom to live in her books and eat strawberries in the field were a far cry from the darkness she perceives in her husband-to-be. There's one subtle, short line, the one about "a quiet fragile love" that suggests that the future isn't all bad in her eyes. Regardless, she is committed to moving forward, because that is simply how things are done in her world. The loss of her maiden name seems like a powerful thing to her.
I thought the imagery you were able to summon for this was really lovely. The small details of the old house set a perfect scene for Narcissa's reminiscences about her past and her reluctant acceptance of her future.
There isn't much more that I can say. Your writing was flawless, without a single typo or grammatical problem that I could see. This was really lovely and I'm glad I got an opportunity to read it. Nicely done! Report Review
Hi fellow Gryffindor (insert huge wave here).
I'm really going to try my best to get this piece down. It's amazing for an introduction, and perfect length. It allows your gorgeous imagery to stand out without becoming too much.
I'm on the fence about Narcissa. I can't tell if she loves Lucius more, or loves the idea of escaping more. Maybe both? For a bit I thought that Lucius was the thing taking her freedom away, but by the end I thought it was the opposite.
Honestly, I'm not too concerned with the parts I wasn't 100 percent clear about in this chapter, because that will all come eventually. Narcissa is stuck in her own thoughts, her own world where all these things are swirling around her. She has no reason to make these thoughts clearer to me, because right now they don't even seem clear to her.
I hope that you continue with this, it's such an intoxicating start.
♥ Report Review
Uhm, that was beautiful. It really was ♥. The thing that I probably like most about your story is your characterisation of Narcissa. It's one of the best I've seen, so far and this might be a little bit biased since I don't even read a lot of Lucius/Narcissa stories. But, hey, it's the best for me.
"...and long gone was the time when she could leave him, her attachment to him no longer breakable when something had taken root deep within her - a quiet fragile love."
I absolutely love that bit of the story! I've always questioned why she's still with Lucius even after all the terrible things he's done and the thought of love did come across my head but I just..I just never quite grasped the idea of it until now when I read those lines. Actually, it's a bit funny because I'm only starting get the idea of her really loving him and she's already left him just before their wedding day! Oh my, what is happening?
Another thing I love, (yep, better get used to this), is your imagery. The way you described the ghosts and their whispers was really great and when you compared her to a candle when she vanished!
Gah, this is just so amazing! I love it. I'm totally putting this in my favourites and keep watch of it. I can't wait for chapter two! :D
79th review out of 100 Report Review
Hey Its Mya here =)
I really liked this! I loved how you gave Narcissia an actual character bio. She's a strong woman and does things that are not evil. It shows that she actually has a heart and kinda also brings out why she might have helped Harry in the end.
I also like how you mentioned how she loved Lucius though I didn't really understand why she did since he's so different from everything she has wanted or craved. I think maybe you could show us more about why she loves him? Even just one sentence more or like a memory. Nothing too much but just a more insight.
I love the use of imagery! It's astounding reaally! Good job with that.
I understand it's a bit vague but since it's your first chapter that's totally fine =)
Great work really! Keep it up :D Report Review
Hi! This is Faux from the forums with your requested review! I have a couple of comments for you.
Your spelling and grammar is very good overall, though there are a few confusing sentences and some commas missing here and there. If you're concerned about these things, you may want to find yourself a beta. If it's not a huge concern to you, I'd suggest you just read through and edit the chapter carefully - sometimes reading aloud can help.
I love the idea of this story, and I love Narcissa the way that you've written her here. I just wish that there were more of it. Even though it's okay for a first chapter to be short, I think that some more about Narcissa herself could have been helpful. For example, you've said she loves Lucius, but I think I would have like a better understanding of why she loves him would make it easier to understand her choice to marry him and give up her own identity - it's hard to believe that she isn't going through any sort of internal conflict over that choice.
The plot is a little vague. I like it a lot, because it's a very fragile and fleeting scene, which fits Narcissa's character and what's going on in her life. If you want to pin it down, you might consider a more detailed description of what's inside the house. Maybe you can come up with a few objects that trigger memories / have a unique significance for Narcissa. You can also try to tie these memories in with, or contrast them to, memories that she has had with Lucius. So, for example, she sees a toy from her childhood and remembers playing with her sisters - and then she thinks of Lucius telling her he only wants one son. This kind of setup would form a nice contrast between Narcissa's memories of happiness, and the life that Lucius wants for them.
I hope this has been helpful! Lovely first chapter! :)
Faux Report Review
Hey it's patronus_charm with your review!
I liked how there was an air of mystery and darkness to this chapter, mainly due to your amazing description, the way you described Narcissa's dress, and the house of her mother, with spirits still surrounding it, was great and almost sent shivers down my spine!
I think the quote you chose to start the story with was great, as it showed how Narcissa was questioning her attachment to Lucius, and how at first she was sure of it, and now she was doubting it.
I'm also glad that you made Narcissa an individual person, and one of intelligence, as not many people do that, but I feel that's a more accurate portrayal of her, and I really enjoyed it. I especially loved that you made her love books, as I felt that was a really accurate characteristic to give her.
I also felt the way you described Lucius's spilt in affections for her and the dark lord was great, as that's how I imagined it to be, as I did feel when reading the books, that Narcissa did seem a bit neglected by her husband, so I was glad to see that you incorporated that into the story.
I didn't think it was too vague for a first chapter, in fact I thought it was a perfect one, as it introduced the plot, and developed Narcissa's character so you could have a sense of her, and the length was great to, because I think if it was any longer you may lose interest, and having it shorter wouldn't cover enough!
I noticed a few places where some comma's could be added in, just so you don't have to mentally hold your breath, but that was a minor thing really!
Overall I really enjoyed this first chapter, as you really got a sense for the story, and the characters were perfect, feel free to re-request as I'm interested to see how Naricissa develops, as she is rather different to how I usually see her, and I really like this change! Kiana :) Report Review
Hey, there, its Gabbie with your requested review and this was so lovely! Thank you for asking me to read this, its very good! :D
I haven't read too many Narcissa/Lucius stories and I really do like them, I just never have the time and such to love them like I should. But anyway, this was a really interesting take on it, I was able to really get into how Cissy was feeling about her marriage to him very quickly. The quiet, bookish version of her is very fresh to me too, I hadn't read that before, as its usually reserved for Andromeda. How you detailed and added in the whispers and ghosts of the house just gave me the shivers. I really enjoyed the haunted feel of this and I had to give her a raised brow at the fact that she just left! On her wedding! That's a spark of bravery that you never really see with her character (Loving it) and I thought it was beautifully written. She feels smothered, controlled and the love she does feel for Lucius she questions. Excellent. And I really loved the brief mention of the Dark Lord in this and her fear for the future and how she could never be herself with her life being so bound. Lovely, lovely.
So, as for CC's! Dum, Dum, Dum! Hahah, no big deal but you should add in some periods to break up your sentences in some places. Some of them are going on for longer than they can (I make so many so I shouldn't talk) but its only a minor thing that would help your flow. :)
I don't think I spotted any grammar things in here and I really enjoyed what you wrote here. Hoping for a longer chapter sometime though! ;)
Thanks for the great read!
P.S.: Feel free to re-request!Author's Response: Hi,
Sorry it's taken me so long to reply, but thank you so much for your comments, it was such a different piece for me to write, because being honest - anything that isn't Dramione is a bit of a leap writing-wise for me seeing as sometimes it's the only thing I seem to be writing, but in a way I felt Narcissa and Lucius work in a way that never seemed explained and I guess I sort of wanted to look at that a little more closely so this story was born. I really wanted to give them a bit of a fresh start, Narcissa seemed very driven by her emotions and so I wrote her that way, smart but very much controlled by how she felt and I guess seeing as it was my first time writing her I felt it needed to be something new.
Eventually everything will be revealed in time, slowly but it will all come together hopefully, I'm working on the second chapter right now (almost done!) but I'm really trying to convey the same feelings and a bit of a change now that she has her "freedom".
Me and my extra-long sentences. I really have to take control of them, they just seem to run on forever until I eventually remember nobody can cram that many words into a single breath. I'll hopefully have it beta'd in time so that it's all neat and nothing is too long.
Don't worry, the next chapters almost three times longer, this was a sort of brief introduction I guess, but who knows what'll happen after I edit. ;)
Thank you so much for your review and all your helpful comments, I'll drop by a re-request when the next chapter is done!
~ Ash Report Review
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