Wow! It´s really good and thrilling! I want the continuation NOW! XD
So far I like your little different universe (different from other here). You also write good and make interesting characters.
A little question why she never suspects Richard and James of being relatives?
Otherwise I can understand her personality and relationship with her husband. She´s been hurt before and had a very special upbringing. Poor girl!
Is it too much to hope for a quick update? Well, take your time! ;) Report Review
RICHARD. IS. ALBUS. POTTER. OMG. WHAT.
HE. HAS. TO. BE. I mean, it's not possible that Richard isn't Albus. There would be no other reason why James would marry Emy.
I have so many questions right now that it's ridiculous how many questions I have.
1)Why did Albus leave her?
2)Does Albus know that he got Emy pregnant and that James married her?
3)Does the rest of James's family know at all about Emy, the babies, and their marriage?
4)Why do they keep moving?
5)Is Emy going to have to find out the hard way that Richard is actually Albus and that Albus and James are brothers?
6)I suppose that Emy has no idea what Harry has done, or anything about the First and Second Wizarding War, correct?
7)Why do they have to move back to Britain?
Seriously, I can't even... SO many questions, and you're just leaving me hanging for more!!! LOL
I do love this novel so far though; I love where you're taking it; I love the suspense; I love the whole ambiguity between James and Emy; and I love their family even though Albus is the dad and it's going to make everything SO messy once everyone realizes.
I love everything about this story, from the plot to your writing to how similar Emy and James are (they need to realize how similar they are and just declare their love for each other).
It's really exciting, and I can't wait for your next update!
(P.S. Emy's father sounds horrible.)Author's Response: OMG. hahahah :P Well I can't tell you now can I :P
very interesting guess though Claire... very interesting hahah :P
Now for the sake of your questions, Im gonna pretend you meant Richard and not Al :P
1) Time will tell :P
2) No Richard has no idea :P He knows nothing at all!
3)Um.. tht comes up in the next update so just wait for that? Yeah thanks hahah :P
4)hmm... Well we will see why soon!
5)O!! You are killing me with these Claire. Srsly bahahah.
6)Nopee she has no idea about Harry or how famous James is
7)Well you should ask James that :P Hes the one who moved everyone :P
Im so glad you love this!!
I will update really soon! Just need to edit the chapter a bit and then the update will be in the queue.
Yes he is a horrible man!
I love this story! i know its only the beginning but i find it so unique and so different then all the other next generation fics. The charachters are devoloping well even though James is all mysterious (which is uber hot btw) their relationship is confusing but cute! really interested to see where everything is going:)Author's Response: why thank you! Im glad you love it!! makes me super happy haha.
yeah I don't really like seeing Jamsie being completely silly so tada!! their relationship will be developed more as time comes :P
Whoa. That was a bit intense! I wasn't expecting any of that, especially her being pregnant. That...whoa, that rattled me a bit.
I found Emylina's character portrayal as quite deceiving throughout the story. Since at the start, I had no clue what on Earth was happening and why she was tied up like that, I didn't really feel all that bad to her since I thought she had really done something terrible. I thought maybe that she deserved getting the cruciatus curse, but as I read the rest of the chapter I just felt so horrible for her! My gosh, she did not deserve not Mr. Emylina's Father! That is so unfair to her and just so cruel of him. I'm so glad James came into view before she completely lost consciousness or something worse happened to her.
I thought the story was good in terms of an overall idea and I especially love the unique idea of having them be almost isolated from the rest of the Wizarding World. Emylina's family did seem very much like a the rulers of their village.
I did pick up on a few things while I was reading the story though and I thought I might mention them as they did they away a bit from the story. For a start, I found your story a little bit too fast-paced. It might just be because of the character being in great distress, as anyone else would be if they were tied up to a metal bar, but I felt like I wasn't given enough time to absorb what I had read until the end. Another one is that when it came to the whole Crucio experience, I felt that Emylina's pain was a bit distant. I think you were focusing too hard on describing the sensation of the pain, so maybe you should read back and see if you can do anything to make it flow much easier. And finally, it irked me how the phrase 'the man' was repeatedly used to name James, so much so that it was beginning to feel like James was an inanimate object. So yeah, that's it, you don't have to change anything and they were really just suggestions, I hope I didn't offend you in any way -I only meant to help. Though, I do apologise if I said anything that hurt your feelings.
Overall, I enjoyed reading the story and I'm definitely going to come back to check out the next chapter! For now, great job with the story! Keep up the great job! ♥
~IzzyAuthor's Response: Hey Izzy! Im glad you reviewed =)
Sorry for the fast paced. It was just the prologue so it seemed better for the story to move along so I could get it where I want it to be :P
Im glad you liked it though! I'll try to add more emotion to Emy going through the Crucio :D It doesn affect her later but we see that in other chapters.
Glad you liked it and thanks for the review! Report Review
Hey there, its Gabbie with your requested review and I'm so sorry that it took me a minute to get to it, I really am. I was really busy and trying to type and had to pause in having a hissy fit because I had writer's block. D':
Anyway, its been a while since I've read the first chapter of this story. I have to admit that it took me a moment to get back into it and remember what had happened in the first chapter. I wasn't sure where you were going for the first few paragraphs becasue I'd wanted more detail and explanations on the chapter before. But I could see the more that I read that Emyline had settled in with James but I felt that there was something you were leaving out, perhaps on purpose? How was her father dealing with this? What happened after she and James married and why did he marry her? I couldn't help but wonder about that, especially with her saying that he kept things hidden from her.
I wonder if he's involved in some shady Auror things, not really shady but maybe dangerous? Hm...Got me curious on that.
James himself was a little strange, in the sense that I couldn't really get a grip on his character, I feel like he's just one big mystery. I do like that you gave more background on Emyline though, I thought it was really great to see how close she and her mother were.
I wonder if her dream of healing will come true? With the family constantly moving and this new departure to Godric's Hollow, I can't help but wonder about this. And what are James and his parents going to say? I wonder about this! Do they know about their marriage and the kids?
I think you've got enough going on here to keep going and pulling me in different directions. :D
As for CC's, there were some grammar things, but this one is one that I think a quick proof read will get rid of. "Of course" instead of "Off course", that's the one that I noticed alot but other than that, your flow was good and I hope you hint at more to come in the next few chapters, you sort of left me on a cliffie! D':
Thanks for the read,
Gabbie. :DAuthor's Response: Hey Gabbie!!
Thanks for the review!
Im really glad you liked the update! Well yes there is a lot of mystery. I was trying to maintain the present with only showing a bit of the past. We will see Daddy soon enough when he does things yet again :P
He is a mystery to Emy since she hasn't tried to actually know him. Which is why I tried to make it a mystery to the writer since well its in Emy's POV.
Glad you liked it Gabbie and thanks for reading! Report Review
I really enjoyed reading this. I thought it was really sweet even if nothing really romantic was going on. I kept going "aaw" in my head.
I just want to point out that you have a couple of grammatical and punctuation errors that you might want to fix.Author's Response: hey! thanks for the comment =)
yeah I saw those and have edited them (waiting for validation :P)
glad you liked it! Report Review
I read this story a while ago and forgot its name.
I love where you are going with the plot.
It's just that this chapter was a bit confusing, I used to get lost somewhere and I had to re read what I was writing.
I would love more details, and die of happiness if there was a James POV
I guess thats about it for now. Do put up Ch 3 soon
EmAuthor's Response: thank you for reading!!
i'll try to make it less confusing =)
details i'll see if I can do :P and sure will do! Report Review
Oh my merlin this is so sweet and sort of sad at the same time! I really can't wait for the next update!! :))
1000/1000Author's Response: thank you for reviewing~~ it really means a lot!! =)
I'll update soon haha. Im glad you liked it! Report Review
I reaalllyyy like this story! its super confusing but im excited to find out whats really going on. I kinda had an inkling in the first chapter that richard was albus but now i know for sure! very interested to see what thats all about. James and Emylinas relationship is very strange but i like it! soo excited for the next chapter update soon!Author's Response: thank you! I'm glad you liked the update!! I'll hope that it will become more clear as the story goes on but for now i'll just go and quietly fix all of the grammar errors I saw haha :p
thanks so much for the review! Report Review
At first I thought this was way back in time because the feel of it was from the Salem Witch Trials in 1962. Emylina being tied to a post and being tortured again feels old timey. Plus the premise of no sex before marriage is so old school to be Next-Gen and I wouldn't have know this was Next-Gen if it hadn't been for James Sirius Potter being in the chapter. Maybe that is what you were going for with the village being out of the way of anything that the society was a bit backwards.
That being said I like the idea you have going on, I am digging the all men can't be trusted vibe. From reading your summary I am a little worried about the story so I am going to point a few things to ponder as you continue to write this story. Why would James be a gold-digger? I got the feel from the books that Potter was old-money and Harry was not lacking so why would his son unless he is a gambler or wiled away his money in some other way. Just a thought I had.
I was really confused as to what was going on in this story for almost the whole chapter. I wish we had heard a little more of her story and why and how Richard left. Plus I would like to know more about Richard and if he is related to the Potters in some way. That part intrigues me quite a bit.
This was a lot to take in but I think you did a good job getting the facts out and setting the pace for the story. You did leave a lot of open questions that your readers will want to know over the course of your story, such as what her father did to gain the ministries attention. I really want to know more about James and his thoughts.
Good chapter though!
MegAuthor's Response: Hey Meg =)
Thanks for the review! Im glad you liked it. That was the point of the whole village thing. It was done on purpose trust me haha.
Yeah I ended up changing the summary mostly since I kinda changed the plans for the story :P Thank you for pointing that out!
That will come later and I didn't want to give too much away haah.
Im glad you liked it! Thank you for reviewing! Report Review
Hey there! Here with your requested review!
So the first chapter has got me intrigued already. I like stuff written in first person, because it's quite personal. What has me hooked is not that "they" are scared, more that "they" have always been scared. Why is that?
Right now, the Clarimonts are sounding a lot like I would imagine the Gaunt family to be, before they went completely crazy because of all that inbreeding - powerful, aware of it, and not afraid to use and abuse that power.
I can see that the main character (is it a girl? I think it is. Even if she isn't, she shall furthermore be referred to as "she") is misunderstood. The first paragraph showed her tied up and in pain, but a few of the later paragraphs show us that at least, according to her, looks can be deceiving. She claims to care for her village, but we don't know yet what that entails, and whether this proves that she does care.
So, clearly, Emylina (I was right! She was a girl!) is being portrayed as the victim here, but I don't know if this is intentional or not, I just don't know enough about her, or care for her emotionally, to quite believe that. I guess you could take this two ways - you could either make her the damsel in distress; a victim of circumstances, or what I think in my opinion would be far more interesting, is leave her character in this kind of ambiguity, where you're just not sure whether she's good or bad. This is of course just the first chapter, so I'm guessing you do have stuff planned for her, and her character, and I'd be interested to see where you took her.
I thought your description of the Cruciatus Curse was good, but I was feeling disconnected with Emylina. I know she was in pain, but I didn't feel that pain with her. As this is in first person, I think you have so much room to develop emotional connections with the reader, and I just wasn't feeling it in this bit.
Aha! I thought she might be pregnant! It seems one of the only ways a female can disgrace the family, and her mother's dying words were put into context quite quickly.
Is it terrible of me to say that I like Mystery Man more than Emylina, right now? It might be, but I do. Both of them are shrouded in mystery, but Mystery Man has quite a commanding presence surrounding him, and a clear and crisp way of talking that is really appealing right now.
...Why does Richard sound like Albus? Intriguing...
Final thoughts, I think this story has quite a bit of potential. I'd like to be more emotionally invested in Emylina, but I guess this is the first chapter, so perhaps you have a few more chapters up your sleeve where that can happen! Looking forward to more!Author's Response: Hey! Thanks for reviewing =)
Yes she is a girl and her father is a little crazy ahah.
I'll look at the emotion. I didn't realize that readers might not be as emotionally attached. Got caught up w the descriptions haha sorry!
Her mother's words will come up alot and it will really be an underlying theme in the story lol
Thank you for reading and reviewing! Report Review
Hello there! I'm here with the review you requested!
This is a very original idea, indeed. Having a witch from an isolated community rescued by an Auror. A modern day fairytale, perhaps? But I'm not jumping to conclusions. I read the summary!
There was a lot of detail in this first chapter, which I liked, since I felt like I really got to know this character and her past and as a result I understood her suffering. I can only image what growing up in such a closed society can do to a girl's head and discovering that her father wasn't the kind man she expected him to be is a very brutal wake-up call. In my mind, that's her spiritual loss of innocence.
I liked the flow of this chapter. There were no sudden pauses in the narrative, everything tied together nicely and there were no spelling or grammar mistakes I could pick up. The dialogue is very good, seeing as it is from a first person POV and she was undergoing a lot of stress. Everything about the way in which she perceives her surroundings is very well incorporated into the general atmosphere of the story.
I am curious as to why James Sirius would just want to marry her, as I am curious why he was chasing her father. There's a story there, I can feel it! A very interesting one! Also, how does Richard tie in with all of this?
Thank you so much for requesting this review, as I enjoyed reading this greatly. You're off to great start, I can't wait to see where you go with this story. Feel free to request again once you've updated.
P.S. I love your banner! It's so pretty!Author's Response: Hey Ral! Thanks for the review =)
Im glad you liked it! Well I didn't really have a fairytale in mind but we will see
Richard has a very interesting part that he plays in the FF as you will see once the story moves on =)
Thanks so much for reading and reviewing! Glad you like the banner Report Review
I really adore this story and I feel bad because I don't think I'm going to go into as much depth about the story as the other reviewers, but trust me, I lved it all the same.
Am I reading too much into it if I said that Richard sounds very much like Al? Just a thought :D
Please write again soon, I absolutely cannot wait!!
:)) 1000/1000Author's Response: aww thank you! im glad you liked it =)
i'll update soon! thanks for reviewing! it rele meant alot Report Review
Hi there, I'm here with your requested review!
Right away I'm captivated by this story. Why is she tied up; who is her father? I want to know more about the Clairmonts and their civilization. But there were some sentences that were phrased in a way that I didn't understand. Your first sentence could be shortened, definitely. (I'm only picking on this one because it's the one readers pay attention to the most, and because the rest of the paragraph is perfect.) "I let my head hang as my hands were tied behind my back and my legs to the metal bar that I had resolved to lean on" could be changed to something like "I hung my head, my hands tied behind my back, legs bound to the metal bar I'd resolved to lean on." Or something. You're clearly a talented writer, it's just that the first sentence is a bit wonky. :3
I really do like this story so far. It's unique, especially the notion of their Wizarding village far away from the Magical World. I know that your summary tells us this is a Next-Gen fic, but if I hadn't read that, I would almost think it was a founders-era story. The village; being tied to a pole (reminiscent of the witch trials, a historical event); being shamed by her father. You give us little hints that it is present-day, like mentioning playgrounds and homework. But I like that this could just as easily be historical fiction.
I also like her mother's parting words to her, about never trusting a man. I'm sure this will come into play in the story, with her relationship with James.
Where are they, though? I'm surprised that her father was so careless to do this in a place where some complete stranger could walk up and stop it. I also wonder if a fetus could survive a Cruciatus curse... I would think definitely not! Also, why does she sound happy that her fiance is back, if he deceived her and then left her pregnant?
I'm interested by the ending scene. So it wasn't Richard? Intriguing.
All in all I think this is a good start. Happy writing!Author's Response: Hey! Im glad you liked this story!
Thank you for pointing out the sentence mistakes! Yay! Happy you liked the background and setting of the story =)
You will just have to see :P
Thank you! Report Review
Ah! I love it :D I really do like it. Can't wait to see where this goes :)
~LoVe_SiriusAuthor's Response: Thank you so much! It really means alot Report Review
Hi! Siriusly89 here with your extremely overdue review :D
Wow! This story is very dark! Emylina's father sounds, well quite frankly sick in the head! And Richard, well if I got my hands on him I'd kill him! Leaving poor Emylina behind, pregnant with her barbarian of a father!
The end was very interesting though! For some reason, I thought this was set back in Founders era, but to have someone getting away with that kind of abuse in Next Gen is ridiculous! Thank goodness James Potter turned up!
I like how he offered to marry her, it sounds like the kind of thing a Potter would do! Completely un-thought out, spur of the moment madness!
This was a very interesting beginning, very interesting indeed!
You know where I am if you ever want another review :DAuthor's Response: Hey! Im glad you liked this!
Yah he is a terrible person :P Lol didn't exactly mean it to be Founders era but I did want to show how unmodern it is where she lives :P
glad you liked it! Report Review
hey there! It's Whiskey from the formus for the review swap! I know I took for ever to get to it, but after I posted on the formus I realized I had less time than I thought :P
Anyways, interesting idea!Very unusual style. I like how impassive the narrator seems to be, even as she is describing how her father is tying her up.
I must say, though, I did notice some typos. It's not much, but worth looking over. Also, you seem to leave out words a lot, especially in the beginning, like here: "I didn’t homework". Also, this sentence seems quite awkward and I think it could be rephrased in a more simple way: "My father's interest showed in me only after my display in magic."
All in all, interesting! I liked the isolated villiage setting, would have loved to read more about it. You really do like your arranged marriage strories, huh? ;)
cheers, and sorry for taking so long to swap!Author's Response: Hey! thanks for doing this!
Im glad you like the narrator! I wanted her to be a bit different and I guess as a cold person, she is very different.
Thanks for pointing that out! I didn't actually notice it when I read it haha :P
LOL yah I guess :P I always try to find stories like that to read and when I dont find them... I start writing them on my own lol =)
Thanks so much! Report Review
i realyyy like this story so far! the beginning was very intriguing and its such a unique story i cant wait to see what happens next! update soon!Author's Response: Hey! I'm really glad you like this :) I will try too Report Review
Laurenzo7321 here with your requested review! Sorry it has taken a little while to get around too!
This was a really different kind of story and you really got me hooked. To start with you really built up the suspense and I could tell something bad was going to happen. They way she described her family was great and gave us a lot of information in not too many words. The line 'Bad things happened to those who talked about it.' was particularly chilling for me.
It was really sweet that as a child she really tried to be one of them and make them less afraid, even if she didn't succeed.
Her father is horrible! Torturing her when she's pregnant is just unbelieveable! I thought you described the effects of the cruicatus curse very well - which is not an easy thing to get right. I'm quite jealous - I'm having trouble with that at the moment!
Ooh, so James came in to save the day. Am I imagining things or does this Richard sound an awful lot like Harry? All your descriptions - green eyes, hair sticking up at all angles, glasses, short and scrawny. Yeah it just kept popping into my head. James has a bit of mystery around him too - going to not caring whether her father kills her to wanting to marry her. There's definitely has to be more going on!
A couple of typos I noticed:
'My introduction to magic had been quiet minimum as my father would prove today.' I think you mean quite not quiet?
'Teachers started yelling at me when I didn't homework' I think you need 'do homework'
This was a really strong start to your story though! Well done!
Lauren :)Author's Response: Hey Lauren,
thank you for reviewing!
I fixed the typos you pointed out! didn't seem them before hand so thanks :D
im glad you liked James and even Emylina a bit =) we will find the mystery bout Richard later in the story!
thank you for reviewing! Report Review
Hi there! I'm here from Review Tag :)
So this is a very intriguing start to a story! I really like your description a lot, and the way you had us see everything through your main character's eyes. When she was confused or overwhelmed by pain, we were, too. We could follow her through every moment of her torture.
I feel really bad for her, given her situation. It seems reasonable that she trusted her father and then was betrayed by him; it makes her feel human. If I understood her correctly, she was treated this way by her father because she slept with her fiance one day before the wedding and found out she was pregnant, right? I gotta say, I don't know how she would know that she was pregnant that soon. I could potentially see her fiance using her and then leaving her, though, especially if he had been pressuring her for a while.
I noticed a couple of long sentences in here that I think could be broken up by commas, like this:
It was unbearable and I could feel my long legs buckle underneath me making me hit the floor.
^I think there should be a comma between "me" and "making," just to add in a necessary pause.
It'll be interesting to see how James turns out, especially once Emylina begins living as his wife. I would think it would take an extraordinarily compassionate person to take such pity on her, given that she is a stranger and expectant mother.
-AmandaAuthor's Response: Hey Amanda!
Im glad you liked this!
Looking back, I saw the sentences you mentioned and fixed them =)
Well we all know about the Hero Complex of a Potter =) Report Review
Hello, Elphaba here with your requested review!
So far your story is off to an intriguing start. I'm curious about the village, because it seems very isolated, like something out of a fairy tale. I wonder whether her family, especially her father, is responsible for this? He seems like a very evil man.
I noticed a few phrases here and there that I might edit. The first one is: "even if there eyes held malicious otherwise." I might replace "held" with "remained," because held has multiple meanings that make it a bit confusing. "There" should also be "their."
The next one is: "dating as back as to my great great great grandfather..." I would probably remove "as" from both places, because the sentence flows better without it.
Finally: "My introduction to magic had been quiet minimum..." I wonder if "quite minimal" would work better here than "quiet minimum"?
I like Emylina, she has a lot of spunk! :) Your physical description of her sticks out a bit from the rest of the story: I pictured something out of a shampoo commercial as she flips her hair, when in reality she might not look so glamorous after her ordeal. I might describe her earlier in the story, maybe say that the other villagers are unnerved by her uncanny emerald eyes, or that she tossed her dark curls toward the boys who teased her.
The end is a definite surprise, with James offering to marry her! I wonder what his motives are. Does he truly intend to marry her? Or did he just say he would in order to rescue her from her father? What will their relationship be like? They don't know each other at all, and she is hung up on this Richard character -- he sounds like a jerk!
I think this story has a lot of potential, and it will be interesting to see how it develops from here. :)Author's Response: Hey!
Thank you for reviewing!
I fixed the sentences you mentioned and did edit in a bit more about Emylina's appearance so it would seem more believable!
yay! im glad you see potential!
So, its Gabbie with your requested review and I'm so sorry that I'm late. I would have read all of the stories in my thread but I've been annoyingly busy and such. So this is the story that you had mentioned to me on the forums? I see what you've changed here and there if this is the same story and I think that I liked the idea you were going with. I was really horrified while I was reading this to see Emylina being held on display in front of her entire village and being tortured. I wasn't able to figure out what was happening and I really loved the build up of suspense you showed. It was very well-done and I got a sense of her character very well from the first few paragraphs. On some things, she felt a tad passive and I think, given the situation that you might not have needed it. But I think you were going more for disbelief, which worked out better towards the middle when you decided to speak about her relationship with her father. The bits about the village made me think that this is a period piece and I'm not sure if you meant to make it that way but it was really interesting! :D
In the Wizarding world its hard to tell though! But her family being capable of magic and then abusing their power really struck out to me. It seems like it came back to haunt them and Oh! Abandoned after getting pregnant?! More problems and plot grips I see! I was so thankful that the strange man DID come to help her after she'd been tortured by her father but apparently, her father is a wanted man! Now you've got me curious! :D
I wonder what you're going to do next, since Emylina has to marry the man. I hope you give alot of detail and such into that!
As for CC's, I think you should add in a few words ahead of a sentence to make it flow better. Like, "Difference was" could just simply be, "The difference was," and the sentence would flow alot easier. There were some spelling things but a quick read will take care of those!
Otherwise, this is a pretty interesting story, I really like your idea! :D
Thanks for the read!
GabbieAuthor's Response: Hey Gabbie! Im glad you got around to reviewing =)
glad you liked the story! its quite a complicated plot and Emylina is really impassive about things since thats just the type of person she is actually :P
You will see more about her father and James as the story moves on =)
I fixed the sentences so it could flow better. thanks for pointing it out !
thanks for reviewing! Report Review
Hello there! Thank you so much for requesting this story-I'm glad you found my last review helpful:)
This is such an interesting concept you have going on here! I don't think I've ever read anything like it. You clearly have a very creative mind and think up extremely unique and interesting ideas, judging by the stories of yours that I have read. This story especially is certainly not cliche or cheesy, like so many next generation, especially James II/OC stories often are.
This was definitely a very dark, frightening way to start of the story. Your imagery and descriptions in this chapter were spot on and the flow was lovely, especially in the beginning. I loved the way you talked about the village, and how your main character desperately tried to fit in, but how this meant that she lost her father's respect. It almost felt like I was reading a story set in the Founder's era-now I'm not saying that is a bad thing. I'm just saying that your use of language was lovely!
The way you wrote the cruciatus curse was very well done. I could really feel you OC's pain, and the language you used to describe it was great. Often in fanfiction, torture scenes are a little...unrealistic if you know what I mean. They are either to overdone or too underdone. You, however, struck the perfect balance.
I must admit, I got a little confused near the end, but I think that was mainly because of the mystery that surrounds this first chapter. I am very interested to find out more about this Richard and learn more of Emylina's backstory.
Overall, this was a great first chapter. Thanks for the read!
Courtney:)Author's Response: Hey Courtney :D
Thanks for stopping by=)
Glad you like the concept! I didn't want a cheesy story so I tried to keep it really different. Glad to know I succeeded !
haha yes that was the plan! you will see later how that fits in =)
thank you! i was trying hard to be more descriptive.
thank you! Report Review
This was a really interesting start to a story. Usually in James II/OFC fics, they tend to border on the line of cliche. And that's usually my number one thing that I say when I review one of them - don't allow it to become cheesy. But I think you've done a really wonderful job of staying away from all that and making this story your own. Every element was unique, and it's very rare that you read about James and the OFC not being at Hogwarts together.
James in this story was also a very different James from the one I'm used to seeing. He wasn't the silly, goofy boy with a penchant for trouble (at least not yet) and it was really quite refreshing to read about. Again with the cliches, I know, but often the next-generation boys, the Potter boys especially, become characters written almost like the first James Potter, or the classic Marauders-era Sirius, and it was interesting to read about him as someone separate from that. Now, we don't know much about him, but that just makes me want to know more, so wonderful job there.
Some of the dialogue scenes seemed a touch choppy to me, so I would watch out with that. It's not that they were bad or anything, but just that they're words and interactions didn't seem to flow together all that much. It's mostly just in the middle-ish area, where her father first begins talking to James, that they grew a little disconnected for me. Nothing major, as you have a lovely writing style and her thoughts in the background countered well against that, but just something that I would take a look at if I were you - it sort of distracts from the cohesiveness of the rest of the story.
Other than that, I thought this was a really unique fic that I can't wait to read more of. You did a lovely job with characterization, especially in the little snippets we saw of James, and it made me intrigued to learn more about them. The character I'm most interested in is Richard, so I hope you'll be doing some flashback scenes or including him somewhere in this story, because the mentions of him really caught my eye. I'm also very intrigued by Emylina - her thoughts were written very well, and she stood out to me as a strong character, but also someone who has had a streak of very bad luck and is getting dangerously close to that breaking point.
Keep up the wonderful work with this story! And keep it as wonderful and unique as it has been this far, because I would hate to see something so intriguing and interesting fall into the dangerous James II/OFC category that seems to all just mash together into one giant cliche. But just based on this first chapter I really can't see that happening any time soon, so I'm very excited to read on.
xx MollyAuthor's Response: Hey Molly!
I am so glad you liked this! I know there are many James II/OC fics out there so I tired to make my James a lot different than the others mostly since I dont really like reading about him being completely carefree.
There was another side to James I Potter, the side who faced the war and all of the other bad stuff. I just want to show James II in a different POV but still not losing his POtterness :P
I'll try my best to keep from falling into the cliche! Hopefullly I can manage it haha.
Yay you liked Emylina! She is quite impassive really. She cares she really does but she has kinda learned tht showing emotions doesnt really get you anywhere :P
I can't wait to write more about her :D she is a really fun character to write for and im glad you thought I did her justice =)
Thanks for the review! It really helped me alot Report Review
Okay~ I have a review for you! Excuse my happiness as it doesn't fit with this story because I just O My Hell's Graced God. I am so envious of your writing skills could I please have them thank you!
At first I had something like 'how pass rules?' but it's just the way you describe it that makes it so clear yet leaves things a little vague on their own. I love the way you place the character in this town, the way you show everyone's personality in so little sentences. I can't even believe all the things I felt during this little thing, from anger to sadness to hope and maybe even a bit of love. It's just so perfect and I can't with it.
If there were mistakes I didn't see them cause I was happily (again that word) sucked into it all. Nd I'm hoping you'll update soon cause I'm really curious.
Kit~Author's Response: why thank you!! i am glad you liked it =)
i thought it was too harsh but yay! someone likes it haha :D
thanks for reading and reviewing! i'll update soon promise! Report Review
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