Right, first up, I owe you a massive apology. I wish I had a decent reason to not have reviewed this sooner; the truth is, it's just lots and lots of little things that took up my time and things like challenge reviews get pushed aside.
Anyway. The mystery and suspense in this prologue work extremely well - I'm unsettled by the evil... things even though I'm not entirely sure what they are. (I'm tentatively guessing vampires.) It's actually led me to try and deduce things from the words you use, even though I could just read the next chapter. xD
You've also got some lovely turns of phrase. The repetition of 'dark, desolate' and that final image of 'watch[ing] the sky light up as the world burns' were fantastic. :)Author's Response: Hey!
It's okay! I'm horribly slow when it comes to reviews and responses (obviously... *hides*).
Ooh, unsettled? I'm glad! :P The things... I will say that vampires are involved. BUT not the only ones... ;)
Thank you so much. And for reviewing!
Sam. Report Review
Oh wow fired on the second day of a job! That takes some doing!
I wonder what he said?
He was going to throw a brick? Talk about being reckless!
I really want to hug Damian, he seems so down on himself and it doesn't sound like he's too happy with his life :-(
He knows the missing girl? I can't wait to find out how and who she is?
Who are Damian's parents? And why does he not seem to like his mum? Is he not allowed to see her?
Harry is so quick, I don't know how Damian thought that he wouldn't know what he was doing in his office. Go Harry! Being all smart and able to catch things.
Ahh so Damian's dad is Albus!
Is Lexi, Alexa? I love these connections so much!! :D It's like pointing out celebrities when they appear in other stories :D
A great second chapter! I can't wait to find out why people are disappearing! Report Review
Ooh! What an interesting premise. Some sort of post-apocalyptic war story, it would seem. I am already intrigued.
We know very little about what's happened or who the narrator might be, but you slipped in a few tantalizing clues. Is Harry the protagonist's great-grandfather? Is he referring to Harry's father? Either way, it seems that we're pretty far into the future. The creatures who are stalking him were difficult to pin down. Perhaps werewolves, especially based on the way you emphasize their sense of smell and hearing. But perhaps not. It's too early to tell.
I loved the sense of loss and dread that you created. The whole world feels dark and oppressive. The narrator is obviously on the brink of losing everything -- his life and the last shreds of his humanity. He's fighting to keep the light alive, and this reads as though there isn't much of the human race left to save.
I really can't wait to see where you're planning to take this. I'll be keeping an eye out... Report Review
This is a very well written dark first chapter.
The monsters seem very terrifying and I was on the edge of my seat waiting to have them attack the person.
I'm very intrigued to see what happens next and who this person is, as well as fine out why he seems to be alone.
The way you managed to get everything happening in the chapter across in such a few amount of words was really impressive and you make me eager to read more from the information you gave.
Very well done. I can't wait to read more :) Report Review
Hello Sam :) teh tarik here, reviewing your entry for the Apocalyptic Alternate Universe Challenge.
Wow, I think you've got off to a fantastic start :) From the first sentence, your story is gripping and filled with tension and mystery. It's a very dark and very intriguing prologue, and through the narrator's observations, you've give us details of his ruined surroundings.
These mysterious creatures are...scary. I was just guessing the whole time what they are - vampires, zombies, some hybrid between them...hopefully they are some sort of twisted breed of creatures which you've made up!
And the narrator is shrouded in mystery as well. I'm assuming he's wearing the Invisibility Cloak, and you've mentioned it belongs to his great-grandfather...would that be Harry? Or James Potter I? Or even James II or Albus? I love these little hints you've dropped!
What I think you've done really well in this very brief introduction is the way you've established the prevailing mood of terror and suspicion and despair, and that general sense that there is no escape. I think you've pretty much captured the atmosphere and tone of a post-apocalyptic world in your story.
I was hoping there would be further chapters validated by the time I got round to reviewing...but anyway, your story has got me so intrigued that I'll definitely be keeping an eye out for future chapters!
Great work, and thanks so much for participating :) The results will be out in a blog post once I finish reading and reviewing the other entries!
-teh Report Review
Oooh, this is chilling! You've done very well at setting a dark, eerie tone for this story. You describe just enough to sketch an outline of the place and the premise, but leave so much more for the reader's imagination (and curiosity!) to play with. It not only makes me want to read more, it also heightens the horror because the monsters remain unknown, abstract shadows that are more frightening than any real creature. It makes for an incredibly effective introduction - a hook to drag readers in and force them to turn the page... only there's no page to turn... yet. ;)
It's been a little while since I last read something of yours, but I have to say that you've improved a lot over the last two years. Your descriptions are really good - vivid and engrossing - and your use of the first person is strong in this prologue. Although there's not that much to go on, I still have a feel for how this character could turn out as the story progresses. The reference to the invisibility cloak makes it explicit that they're a Potter, but I can also see it in the language and style. This character has a real fighting spirit which I have a feeling will help drive the remainder of the story. I may be wrong, but this is just what I'm getting from this prologue.
I enjoyed reading this and look forward to seeing more! It sounds like it will be an exciting story to follow. :D Report Review
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