Reading Reviews for Match.
  
7 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Yemi Hikari Prologue

13th September 2013:
First thing I'm going to say is avoid adding character profiles to your stories in the future. The reason you see other writers using character profiles is because they use said character profile as a crutch as they are weak in the characterization/description department and/or they see other writers doing it. You honestly don't need such crutches and for some readers it sends out warning bells that cause them to hit the back button.

Second, is this really a prologue? If you're going to skip to her last year then yes... it is a prologue, but if you're going to be progressing from here through her years to help give her more character depth it is not a prologue. Prologue's aren't about introducing the characters, something I've seen people asume. To be exact, a prologue is used to introduce background information and it happens outside of the regular plot line. Still, it is the first chapter and you've done well introducing your character. Again, whether this is a prologue or not depends on where you're going with your story.

Third, congratulations on your ability to write in first person narrative really well. I don't get to say that very often. Most writers I tell "avoid first person, it isn't as easy as you think and you really don't have the handle on it that you think you do". The fact you're good at first person actually adds a nice charm to your story.

Last... you should really focus on one of your chapter based stories and finishing it. I know how hard it is to get chapters verified here though and I also know that it can be hard to focus on just one story because there are so many bouncing in your head. You're a very good writer though and it would be nice to see something beyond your one-shots completed.

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Review #2, by sweet_lovely_girl Prologue

11th March 2013:
Hello there,

this is sweetlovelygirl from the forums with your rewarded review number one.
I personally really like this introduction of your story. The first part was really good and gives the readers a nice view of the rest of the story and our main character.
After the introduction, which doesn't always have to be there in a story, the first few paragraphs give the readers a first impression. I think you gave a great impression because in my point of view those first lines should be well-thought and descriptive and that is what you did.
This first chapter was in my opinion a bit plain, but that's alright, as long as you can make us more curious in the next chapter(s).
I liked your main character. She sounded quite lively and I think she handled everything great concerning the Wizarding world. It was a bit rushed to me, meaning that she and her mother accepted the fact that Marcia was a witch a bit too fast. Of course, the mother hasn't really accepted it yet, but if it were me I would think the letter was a prank and the thing Neville did was just a trick. It is just too much outside the world we are used to that I would need more time to take it in if I were Marcia.
Now onto the grammar: I think your grammar is great and there are no mistakes as far as I am concerned. There are, however, a few errors and typos. For example, you wrote "We am pleased..." in the Hogwarts letter and you are missing a few words on some places. These aren't really big problems, but you could reread it sometime later and take out those small things.

So, this review is way longer than what I usually write, but I guess I was just having a review mood. In general, I really like the idea of this story. It has already seemed a challenge to me to focus a story on Quidditch. But good luck with it and I'll go to me second review now.

-Xxx- SLG

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Review #3, by 800 words of heaven Prologue

26th February 2013:
Heya! Here with your (late) review!

I do long rambling reviews, so bear with me here. Because you asked for the whole shebang, I'll keep the ramblings to the beginning and at a minimum, and then get to the stuff you mentioned.

So you opened your prologue with a character profile, which I thought was a really interesting choice. I read the next paragraph or so, and it didn't quite fit in (I thought it would be better at the beginning of chapter one, and not the prologue, but that's just me), but I still liked that it was there. I know her name and I know what the important stuff is going to be in this story - Quidditch. I know this because, firstly you mentioned the make of her broom before the make of her wand, and as the wand is a pretty important tool in the Potterverse, I know that Marcia's dead serious about the game. I know this also, because you deigned to mention the make of her broom at all, especially in her character profile.

So as far as first impressions go, Marcia is coming off as really bitter and cynical about her childhood experiences. I can relate to the situation, but her reactions seem really intense. I reckon this is a really cool and subtle way of telling us something really important about Marcia's personality, so well done on that!

I liked the way you described the Hogwarts letter. We know what it looks like already (I mean, we've all literally dreamt of it since we first read/watched the books/films) but it was nice that the description was included. There was just one thing that felt a bit off to me. The description felt a bit impersonal and detached for me. Also, you mentioned in the character profile that she was a half-blood, so shouldn't she know about Hogwarts and all that letter business? Why was she so surprised?

I thought I'd just mention, that Neville choosing to wash the dishes as an example of magic was great. It seemed like a really practical and Neville thing to do.

Ah! The half-blood status and lack of Hogwarts knowledge is explained! An AWOL dad! I hope we learn more about him! I love family mysteries!

Now: stuff you asked about. I might have covered characterisation a little bit already, but I'll just do it properly here. This is the prologue, of course, so it's just offering some background information. Aside from a thing or two, I don't really know Marcia that well. I'm thinking this might change hopefully by the next chapter? I think she's a bit cynical about some stuff, and Quidditch is her religion. What bugged me about her was that she took the notion of being a witch really well. She didn't believe it at first, but I felt that you glossed over the wonder and excitement you would feel at finding out about something like this a little. It wouldn't have mattered too much, but because you made the focus of your prologue the day she got her Hogwarts letter, I think it is pretty important.

I don't really know about the plot yet, except that it's going to involve Quidditch, a Potter, and some sort of battle. Again, this is the prologue, so we're not really supposed to learn about the plot until later on anyway! It's just an introduction.

Description wise, I felt some parts were done really well, like describing the Hogwarts letter and Neville's show of magic, but other bits were a bit light on description. This ties in with my earlier point about the lack of wonder and excitement. The only thing Marcia describes in any detail about Diagon Alley is Quality Quidditch Supplies. This of course underlines the main plot point, but I felt like I missed out on getting to know Marcia more. I know you probably wanted to keep the prologue on the shorter side, because it is just the prologue, so I'm looking forward to getting to know Marcia better.

Grammar wise, there were a couple of mistakes, but they were pretty minor. Nothing was glaringly obvious or so jarring that I couldn't continue reading. If you're feeling especially worried about grammar, what I usually do is write the chapter, read over it, fix the obvious mistakes, then go to sleep. I come back to the chapter either the next day or the day after, because that way it's a bit fresh and I see even more mistakes. Also, I read out loud, because then you really hear what works and what doesn't (wise advice, Judy Blume).

Anyway! Enough of my babbling! I think the time jump should be okay because this is the prologue and everyone knows it. Hope the review helped!

Author's Response: Oh wow! This is one super long review! I totally don't mind about the lateness :P

I think the character profiles might become clearer as more and more chapters occur, because it's the way I hope to start each one - I got the idea because I have a notepad full of them for each character :P - it'll be sort of like a CI(I might get some later on which match) Although I do realise that it makes hardly any sense when reading the following paragraph!

Ah, quidditch! Pretty much what this story circulates around :P I liked how you mentioned that it was her religion - because it totally is, and I think that's a great description for it - and also how you deduced that there would be some sort of battle, that's brilliant! You've probably put two and two together and realised it's going to be a quidditch battle...:D

Oh yeah, Marcia's childhood experiences and then the sudden change of lifestyle are what sort of fuel her throughout Hogwarts and later life. It's the past which she hates and never really wants to revisit. Glad you liked it!

I will work on the description, I might have to try out your grammar trick for description too - sleep on it - also I'll try and make it more personal :)

I obviously know who her father is, muahahahaa, but I'm still working out where and how he'll be worked into the story, but he will definitely be there - how could he not?!

As for Neville doing the dishes, well, I never thought he was a 'set-the-wardrobe-on-fire' kinda guy ya'know? And they were in the kitchen, so... :P

I hope you get to know her better by the next chapter too :) I'll try extra hard on that - it's one thing I'm not too good at, because I always seem to just babble a bit when I'm writing, then suddenly it'll be everything in my head, not Marcia's...oopsie! But yeah, we'll get to know her a lot more :P The plot will also become more fabricated in the next few chapters.

As for the wonder and excitement and Diagon Alley, I think I will write more about the latter and tie in all the amazement about being a witch then. I think it would work a bit better; even though she's seen Neville's magic, I think the reality of it will hit her most at the moment when she sees the sheer awe of Diagon Alley and the size of the hidden world/community that's suddenly surrounding her.

This has been a super amazingly helpful and honest review, I loved it, and if I update and don't re-request, then just assume I've died between posting it and it being validated.

So, yeah, basically, I'll be re-requesting for Chapter 2(or 1, whichever way you want to look at it) xD

~ Emily


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Review #4, by aquabluez17 Prologue

27th January 2013:
Hey! Its Mya here for your review!

Well you have a great start here. We can kinda see what Marcia is like and her relationship with her parents and all. Obviously shes is a Muggle born Witch.

One thing I would like to say is that, I felt there was an important spark missing from the update. It was a great start but it felt like it too cliche with family problems and Marcia's attitude and all.

I would like to see some faults or things about Marcia that sets her different and makes this story your own. Hopefully we will see more of that in more updates =)

Once again don't let me discourage you! It was a good start really

If you want more reviews you know where to find me :D

Author's Response: Hey! Thanks for reviewing!

She's actually a half-blood(it says at the beginning) but she's not sure, because she doesn't know who her dad is.

I tried to make it as normal as possible, the only family problem is that her dad is never talked about and she knows nothing about him - but her relationship with her mum is fine - I might add more in about that so it's easier to see.

I'll try and add more faults then I guess :) She's already unpunctual, messy and unpopular with the kids at her school, although that might be quite cliched. I dunno. :P

Thanks again!

- Em :)


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Review #5, by Courtney Dark Prologue

24th January 2013:
Hey there! I'm Courtney, here for your requested review.

I really, really enjoyed this first chapter. I thought, overall, it was an excellent introduction to what promises to be an equally amazing story. You should definitely re-request when you upload your next chapter, because I would love to read it:)

I liked the unusual format you chose to start this chapter with-with both the list of name, place of birth etc and Marcia's thoughts on never having been great at sport. It was a perfect way to introduce Marcia's character and I completely related to her as a person as I have definitely never been good at sports either, and I was always last to be picked for teams-of course, I'll I ever did in P.E class at school was stand around and complain so I don't really blame anyone!

I also really liked the idea of Marcia being given 'a chance to change' because I think that is an idea a lot of readers can relate to. I can't even count the amount of times I'd wished I could start over in different situations so I think by saying that, you have given Marcia had an extra layer of depth and believably.

I loved the way you described the letter from Hogwarts, and also Marcia's reaction when she saw and opened it. It definitely took me back to Harry Potter and the Philosophers Stone-you were able to retain the mystery and hope which surrounds the opening of the letter, which is awesome. And Marcia's mothers reaction was just perfect. The line: '“I – it’s a joke, right? I mean,” she took the letter from my hands and read aloud from it, “School of Witchcraft and Wizardry? Who would even think up this crap?” was spot on. That's exactly what someone who had no idea magic existed would say, I believe!

The timing of Neville's entrance was perfect, and I am so glad you chose to use him as Marcia's introduction to magic and Hogwarts, as I've always had a soft spot for him. I felt at times as though he was a little out of character but, in saying that, people definitely change as they grow older, and this first chapter is set several years after the events of the last book, so what do I know?

Other little bits and pieces that I enjoyed were the line: '“Well,” she nodded slowly, “that's nice of them, so will you be able to give us directions to this, Horizontally place, then?”' That was great, and even made me laugh a little! I also was intrigued by the mention of Marcia's father-I hope that we'll find out more about him in later chapters!

I felt as though the Diagon Alley scene was a little short. I would have loved to have seen Marcia describe it, in her eyes, a little more-after all, it is really her first time in the Wizarding world! But I did like how you mentioned the Quidditch shop, as I'm sure it foreshadows what will happen in future chapters-what type of person Marcia has become.

Thanks for the awesome read!
Courtney:)

Author's Response: Hey, I'm glad you liked it! And I promise, I will definitely be re-requesting!

Haha! I think the most I did in P.E was jump on the squishy mat things ;) I'm so happy you think that yourself and other readers can relate to her - I'm trying to keep that up throughout the story - I think that's really important that she doesn't go all weird and unrealistic. :P

Spent some time on her Mum's reaction - considering I know all about magic and it's OBVIOUS existence ;) I wasn't sure how long it'd take her to believe, but I guessed the sink bit might have done it :P

I wasn't sure how to write Neville, I mean, since the seventh book he'd trained to be an Auror and then a teacher, so he's bound to have changed loads - it was so difficult to write him in character :/

I couldn't resist adding in a part about Marcia's father, just for that extra bit of mystery! Plus, she's probably been wondering about him for years, and this bloke's just come along to explain why she's so different, stands to reason she thinks that he can explain about her dad. He'll pop up at some point, but the question is, will she recognise him when he does? ;)

Okay, I really have GOT to extend the Diagon Alley part, teehee, this review has actually given me an idea for something else to add in, but I won't tell you 'cause it'll ruin EVERYTHING!

Thanks so much for reviewing, and don't worry, I'll be back(Terminator style) ;)

-Em :P


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Review #6, by Gabriella Hunter Prologue

23rd January 2013:
Hello!

Hey there, its Gabbie with your requested review and its good to be reading something else of yours, I was wondering where you went. :3
So, the little bit with her information at the beginning, including her blood status and such was pretty different. Will that be how you introduce your characters in the future?
Marcia's little bit about how much of an outcast she was made me a little worried and sad for her. She could be on my team, as I suck at sports too and was never the one people called on either (Even though I'm pretty tall). With the way you wrote it, it sort of reminded me of what had happened with Harry and how he described his own life before Hogwarts and I liked the similarities.
She and her mother seem to be living sort of an ordinary life without many surprises so her Hogwarts letter came as a shock. I think I could have used a bit more reaction from her mother but I think she sort of suspected this, given how she reacted to Marcia asking questions about her dad.
So suspicious about that. Maybe you'll say something about that later? I saw half-blood up there on her description and I'd like some anwers on that, I'm all for family drama. :D
I liked the description of Neville too and how she kept calling his robe a "cape" and such, it was just how I'd react to that. Though, I probably would have thought he was wearing a really pretty dress and would have politely asked why. Hahahaa.
To make this flow even better, just a few more details about the home, Marcia and her mother and their daily routine would make it perfect and a tad longer. I think I spotted two grammar things in here but otherwise, I think you should just add in a few periods and you're all set. :D
So, I'm hoping your time jump works out all right! This was a good way to start off your story so keep going, take your time and have fun. I mean, that's what's great about writing anyway! :D
So, thanks for the read!
Much love,
Gabbie

Author's Response: Heya!

Haha, if I ever disappear, it will probably just be because I'm rushing to write something else for you to review - I really do love your reviews :P

And yes, I had them all written out anyway, so I thought I'd add them in, make it a sort of thing for each chapter. Obviously in later chapters I'll either have to introduce new characters or use minor characters. I have a list of her whole year anyway - a bit overdone I know, but I've been ill for three days with nothing else to do except create numerous OC's ;) - but int future, they'll mostly be introduced like that, or they may be introduced beforehand, but there will still be an info bit on them in the next few chaps :)

I sort of imagine most magical children that grow up in a muggle environment are outcasts, in the way that they are very different, but nobody can quite explain how :3 And plus, y'know, I wouldn't want my MC to be cool or anything, that just wouldn't be fun ;)

I might have to add a bit to her mum's reaction, I just wasn't sure how to write it. Although, Marcia's mum doesn't actually know that much about her dad, which is one of the reasons she never talks about him. I feel that if I tell you the other reasons it might ruin the moment later on... :P Ooh, I shall definitely have to add some family drama in then, shan't I? Hehe, :3

Haha, yes, I did think that if she knew to call it a robe then she would have been living an awfully weird life anyway, and cape(or a pretty dress in some cases) seemed a lot more likely :D

I'm working on the time jump as we speak, I've only just realised that September 1, 2022 is exactly six and a half years later. Oddly. And details shall be incorporated!

Thanks for the review!

- Em :D


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Review #7, by patronus_charm Prologue

23rd January 2013:
Hey it's patronus_charm with your review :)

I thought it was a great idea to start with a list of facts, as that way you get the basic knowledge of the character. And it was a really interesting way of presenting, as incorporating it into the text often gets boring, and I've never seen this before so it a nice original idea :)

It was nice to see that Marcia was not the coolest of people, more unpopular, and bad at sport as then she's more relatable to the reader, so we get to like her more, as she does have her imperfections.

I liked all the quintessialy British things in here such as netball, primary and seconday schools and building societies, even they were minor details, it was nice to see. As Harry Potter is a really British book, and a lot of people tend to forget that, so it was nice to spot those things.

I liked how you introduced some tension, over where her father is, I thought it was a good idea as adding a bit of mystery and suspense into a story, always makes people want to read on, so they can find out what happens.

I thought the part when Marcia's mother getting Diagon Alley mixed up with horizontal, was funny, and really clever, as I've never realised that Diagon Alley sounds like diagonal.

A couple of CC's, I would have perhaps liked more on Marcia's first time in Diagon Alley, as that part is when people really start accepting that they're magical. I also noticed a couple of misplaced capital letters, and some of your paragraphs were a little on the long side of things, so breaking them up will improve the flow:)

Overall I thought it was a really good chapter, as you've introduced an interesting character, who has some mystery attatched to her, and the plot's really good as well, and it's believable! Feel free to re-request as I have a feeling this story is going to get very interesting, Kiana :)

Author's Response: Hey!

I'm glad you liked it, it sort of came as an idea because I'd written all my character's info and stuff down anyway. I thought(hoped) it'd be interesting for the reader to know a little too. :)

Teehee, cool people are so boring! Well, to write about anyway, ;) but yeah, even though she does get quite good at a certain airborne sport, she still retains imperfections, even if they're not the same ones. I can't stand reading about these perfect people, so I try not to write them either. :P

Oh wow! I never really thought of them as British until you mentioned them, but I suppose they are. I guess it's easier for me, being British and all, but I do try to stay away from using Americanisms that I've picked up from Films and stuff in my description :D

Yeah, I love to include a teensy bit, just to keep people wondering ;) and I realise that I've made it obvious(ish) that he is a wizard, due to her blood status, and I'm still trying to figure out how we'll find out who he is :P But it will happen, promise!

Another review mentioned making the Diagon bit longer and more detailed, so I think I definitely will be doing that! Although I think I'll wait until I'm in a descriptive mood, I'll need it :P

I have an awful habit of throwing capitals in at random, so I'll comb through for them - thanks for pointing it out - and I'll break up some of those dauntingly long paragraphs ;)

I'm glad you liked it, and thought Marcia was a bit mysterious! It's something I've never quite managed before! Thank you so much for reviewing, this has been awesome!

- Em ;)


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