Reading Reviews for Unexpected Saviour
  
7 Reviews Found

Review #1, by toomanycurls The Tea Shop

8th November 2013:
Hi!!! I'm finally back to review!

I like having Hermione let her hair down a bit but it might help to have a bit of explanation for her depature from her usual behavior. Andrew sounds like quite a catch but Hermiond has always kept true to her own behavior when around a cute guy (at least she did around Krum).

I'd be interested to have more of the conversation between Andrew and Hermione - especially some of Andrew's thoughts and background. We all know quite a bit about Hermione but Andrew is a new element.

It's cool that Hermione could fend off Peeves but it seemed a bit odd in that part of the story.

I'd like to know what Hermione and Ginny talked about for that half hour. Just to get more insight on Andrew :)

My main recommendation is to add more detail. The story goes from action to action/dialogue to dialogue but could use more depth and plumping.

-Rose

Author's Response: Thank you for the review! I'm definitely going to use your advice, especially on adding more detail because I really need to work on that. There will be a lot more on Andrew in the next chapter;)

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Review #2, by lindslo2012 The Tea Shop

24th October 2013:
Hi you probably have seen me around the forums. I'm Lindsey, nice to meet you!!! I love your story so far and I will keep reading it! It is very cute and I love the way Hermione starts off with this new, mysterious character who sounds like a charming guy ;) P.S. if you ever have some freetime maybe go read one of my Dramiones (my favorite ship) and let me know what you think! :D If not that's fine too. Anyway, I love this!! Update son! ;)

Author's Response: Hello, it's nice to meet you too! Thank you, I'm glad that you like it:) I definitely should check some of your stories out because I love Dramione:) I will try to get another chapter up soon. Thanks for reviewing!

-LumosWeasley


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Review #3, by Cannons The Tea Shop

24th October 2013:
hey review request thingy!

I'm super glad that you re-requested because I loved the first chapter, it's so normal and cute.

Ok so one thing I would say is that it doesn't really seem like Hermione in this, she's converted across to a-giggly-girl to quickly I thought she might have resisted a little bit. I mean it took her 7 years to kiss Ron. Then again I've never met this Andrew so I cant comment! :P

It was such a laid back chapter, no one's dying or anything so it was a nice read! You left a little cliffhanger at the end as well...well played ;)

Author's Response: Thanks for the review, I'm glad you liked the first chapter too!:)
I was a little worried Hermione might be too girly, so I will probably go back through and change it a bit. Andrew is meant to be really charismatic and all that, so he basically wins her over. I hope Hermione isn't too unlike her usual self in this story, at least in the beginning. Thanks again for your awesome reviews!

-LumosWeasley



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Review #4, by HEMG The Tea Shop

24th October 2013:
Super cute! Love it :)

Author's Response: Aww, thank you! :)

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Review #5, by Cannons Shepherd's Pie and Charms Class

18th October 2013:
Hey there :D

Apart from the fact the she has paid attention to boys before - ( Krum,Ron, then going to the Slug Club thing with Cormack to get back at Ron)- but this might be set before all of those, I can't tell yet.

I think it's a strong start and I want to know more about this Andrew!

I think you wrote Ginny well and incorporated the Weasley/Malfoy thing in good.

I laughed at that line from Snape, that was funny.

I also think it's interesting that you are writing this from Hermoine's point of view and not in third person, I haven't come across many first person Hermione stories.

I'm interested in what you have planned for the future if you ever update this.

Some CC - ' miss 'too busy for boys' Granger ' I think you should italicise 'too busy for boys' and capitalise the 'M' for Miss, it would just look better.

' I blushed deeply with embarrassment and turned back around. ' - sometimes I think you state the obvious, because when someone blushes it's usually from embarrassment isn't it? so maybe you could mix it up a bit and indicate that she's embarrassed without saying it, does that make sense? I think it would make it flow a bit better.

Hope this was helpful :)

Cannons

Author's Response: Thank you for your review! It was lovely:) I did go through the other day and make some edits, including adding a line in there about her liking Krum and also fixing some dialogue and typos. Thank you for the CC, that will definitely make it flow better. I will have chapter 2 up soon, I'm almost done!

Thanks again:)
-LumosWeasley


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Review #6, by toomanycurls Shepherd's Pie and Charms Class

9th September 2013:
Hello!

hey now, Hermione has paid attention to a *few* guys. ^_^ She went out with Viktor Krum and went on a date the Cormack. Though, she does focus more on school that guys.

The dialogue is pretty funny. I liked the line about Snape taking points off Griffindor for bleeding on the desk. Very witty

The description of Andrew's eyes is quite poetic. Very pretty. ^_^

I'm a bit curious to hear more about Andrew. Specifically why he's so infamous and desirable.

Generally I think some more narration would help. The dialogue to description is a bit off. It'd be nice to bulk out the dialogue paragraphs with info about what other people are doing, how they're speaking (e.g. excitedly, nervously, etc.), or more inflection from Hermione. You can PM if you'd like more ideas on how to build in descriptions that would really help the story along.

In terms of titles and descriptions, I've never been awesome at writing a description. I usually feel that I put quite a bit of thought into the actual writing that wrting a blurb about it feels like too much work. So, I cheat. I take a really interesting snippet (usually a touch of dialogue with great narrative detail) and use that as the summary. For story summary, you could work on an intro to the story - a paragraph that sets the scene and gives a context for the fic. That would make a great intro. For titles, I also steal from my chapters. I'll pick a funny or interesting phrase. Recently I've been using a song that really spoke to me while writing the chapter.

I think you have a really good start. Let me know when you post more and I'll review again.

Author's Response: Thanks for the review!

Yeah, I was trying to focus on the fact that she pays more attention to school, I could probably mention Krum in there somewhere though:)

Thank you! I can describe Andrew more in the next chapter;) Yeah, I could definitely add more description. I'll PM you when I am working on the next chapter.

That's a good idea! I'll do the title/summary thing and see how it turns out:)

Thanks again for the review!:)


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Review #7, by BLONDEbehaviour Shepherd's Pie and Charms Class

3rd September 2013:
Hello!

Ahhh I like it already! It's neat to see Hermione with a love interest at the start of a Dramione story, that isn't Draco, or Harry or Ron, so i'm liking that! I also think you have done great with Ginny and her temper, and i love how Hermione is ff thinking about everything known to man, its neat!

I do hope you end up updating this, i would love to see where you let it go to!! If you do decide you want to continue it, and you'd like some help, let me know via a PM on the forums and we can have a chat :D

Blondie :D

Author's Response: Thank you:) I'm sad that I've kind of abandoned this story, but I want to finish it. I have the plot in mind that I want to go on, but I have some sort of perpetual writers block when it comes to writing the next chapter. If you want to help, I can message you on the forums. I can tell you the plot and see if you have any ideas:)

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