Reading Reviews for Defining Astoria
  
22 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Chivalrous Wrath (Part One)

6th November 2013:
I am absolutely in love with this! Please post soon! I'm desperate to know what happened/is happening to Astoria! Astoria Greengrass is one of my favorite characters and you have done a wonderful job writing her, I think! I can't wait to read more!! :)

Author's Response: Oooh, thank you so much! The next chapter is going out as soon as the queue reopens! :D It's great to hear that you consider my depiction of Astoria wonderful, thank you! ♥

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Review #2, by rozen_maiden Wrath (Part One)

24th October 2013:
I don't usually read stories dealing with such sensitive issues (for no reason in particular), so I wasn't sure what to expect. Sometimes, I feel like the emotion can be too overdone or too little, but this - your writing - is just the perfect balance. I read all of it in one sitting, drinking in every sentence. Your writing is superb, and Astoria is just a tragically beautiful character. She's such a tortured soul and I'm feeling genuinely concerned for her. You have done a really, really good job and I'm looking forward to the next update. Well done :)

Author's Response: Ooh, thank you so much for reviewing and for all of those lovely compliments! It's really pleasing to hear that you consider my handling of those sensitive issues done well, and that you're enjoying Astoria. The next update will be in January :) Thank you again!

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Review #3, by teh tarik Wrath (Part One)

23rd October 2013:
ISOBEL

I don't know what to say except you're evil and sadistic and YOUR POOR CHARACTERS WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO THEM.

So, OK, I don't have a lot of time to write asuper-long analytical review, or even one that sounds remotely intelligent, but I'm going to say one thing: FEELS.

FEELS AND FEELS AND FEELS

I'm really happy that you've updated this story; it feels a little strange to be reading it again, TBH, because it was such a long time since I read and reviewed that last chapter.

Things have definitely become a lot darker and a lot more disturbing with this chapter (as if they weren't disturbing enough with bullying, eating disorders, abusive parents and all manner of other miserable childhood elements in your previous chapters...). I'm really glad this is written mostly from Colin's POV, because it really intensifies that uneasiness, that sense of the unknown about the changes Astoria has undergone. She's always been a little snotty and snooty in the previous chapters, but her violent reactions in this chapter really are shocking, and you've really done an excellent job portraying this drastic change through Colin's POV.

There's so much I can only guess because you don't say anything...which is really unfair of you, by the way. *glares* Like when she turns up at Colin's neighbourhood all covered in blood; I can't think what happened, whether someone did that to her and why. If I had to hazard a guess, I'd say that her injuries were self-inflicted, because Colin later witnesses her punching and kicking a wall. And possibly banging her head on the wall. Ugh cries sobs this is horrible. That being said, I'm not sure how she would have got a gash below her eyes from that. I really don't know, but I really feel for her and can't imagine the extent of the psychological pain she must be suffering. Also, I'm wondering again why she flinches from other people touching her; perhaps she has scars from self-inflicted injury or something or maybe I'm completely off target, I don't know.

Just. asjkdlaksccjd

That final section through Minerva's POV was such a mystery. Is Astoria sleeping outside the Gryffindor Tower to avoid those nasty girls in her dorm? After all, she has a blanket and an alarm clock and water etc. And did she choose Gryffindor Tower to be close to Colin? I love these two together; they have such a troubled, difficult friendship and Colin is so patient and kind with her, even if she does do some horrible things like attack his mother and so on. And what was that moment between Colin and McGonagall? Did he tell her about Astoria and is she deciding to let Astoria be by providing her an extra jug of water? And Snape's note...what was it? I'm guessing that he was making note of her eating disorder and self-esteem or something, which made McGonagall award Astoria ten points as some sort of encouragement.

AND NO I DID NOT CATCH THAT HINT ON WHAT HAPPENS IN A FUTURE CHAPTER. POINT IT OUT. PLEEEASE.

Also, have I squeed myself silly over Colin yet? If I have...well, never mind, I'll do it again. COLINASDLKJACMDUNAS ♥ ♥ ♥

AND DENNIS. Even though he has just one line, "She's history, Colin," I was pretty much incoherent with squeeing. SUCH a great Dennis line; I can imagine him saying that, being less patient and less forgiving than his brother andakjshdasj ♥ ♥ Well, you know my biases toward Dennis. :P And the Creeveys. My god, if I'm not careful I might get yet another Dennis plunny and I can't afford to get any new plunnies, not right now!

Well, I really hope you write the second part of Wrath soon. :) If I have to be honest, I'm actually hoping that this is the WIP you'll finish before all your other WIPs. I think you write such excellent and compelling drama, painful, but your characters really do feel realistic to me, and I love and at the same time hate how things are never easy for anyone. This story is seriously messing with my feels.

Also, oi. I want a happy ending for this story. *glares*

Lovely work, Isobel ♥

teh

Author's Response: NICOLE

I'm so sorry but I DIDN'T MEAN TO HURT THEM OKAY BUT PLOT PLOT PLOT, would you rather have Astoria be evil to Colin for fun or have a genuine reason for that evilness?

I'm kind of enjoying the irony of that, because this is one of the longest reviews you've left me! And honestly, you sound quite intelligent to me, so perhaps you're underestimating yourself. Also, while I'm here, sorry about the inexcusable delay in responding. I'll be sure to keep on top of reviews in the future, once I've cleared this backlog.

Yay, and I totally understand too! I'm hoping to have future updates be more speedier! ♥

I really do pile the proverbial excrement on Astoria, don't I? :( I did consider writing this from Astoria's POV, but I didn't want to give spoilers away for part two, so I went with Colin instead and it does feel like I made the right choice; I'm glad you enjoyed it (the POV, not the plot; you've made your feelings about the plot clear) and that you consider I've done an excellent job. Thank you

You're not off target! I'll give you a little spoiler -- the injuries were caused herself, but not intentionally. It's elaborated in the fifth chapter. She really is in a bad state, and I just want to put my arms into the screen and hug her tightly. Is that creepy? *cue the paranoid face emoticon*

Hehehehehe. All will be explained in chapter five. Wrath isn't split into Part One and Part Two just for kicks, you know -- it's all connected together. Although yes, she is sleeping outside Gryffindor. Tower deliberately, with her alarm clock and blanket and water. Colin really is one super friend -- definitely totes awesome -- and deep down, Astoria does know that. Snape's notes and McGonagall's reaction will be explained in the next chapter, and as for the moment between Colin and McGonagall, I like to think he sought advice from her on how to deal with Astoria, although of course McGonagall can't tell him confidential information from her record.

The hint:

Suddenly, Colin notices the atmosphere at the Slytherin table change, moments before Astoria's hand clenches into a fist and slams into the side of her plate. The food upon it is upset, gravy spilling from the plate onto the tablecloth and the china breaks, the ragged edge slicing into the side of Astoria's fist.

"That was a /horrible/ thing to say," she hisses, rising to a standing position with her eyes firmly fixed upon Pansy Parkinson.

Pansy sneers, "Don't be so oversensitive, Astoria."

ALL OF THE COLIN SQUEEING ♥ ♥ ♥

Dennis is awesome, too. I tend to think of him and Colin as two halves of one person, and Colin has the dreamer attitude, the ability to forgive, the constant positivity that everything will be okay while Dennis is the more realistic one, with his level-headedness and cynicism against the world. WRITE ALL OF THE CREEVEY PLUNNIES, NICOLE ♥

Yay! I hope I finish this one soon, too! The feels here are torturous! Writing this story is messing with my feels too, because I want them to be happy and honestly, I /am/ unhappy making such dreadful things happen to them and yet I want this story as realistic as possible. I'm glad you like this story so much though because I picked up chapter five again this week and it's reminding me how much I love and miss this story.

Also, oi. Wait for the ending and then you'll see if it's happy or not. ;)


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Review #4, by charlottetrips Pride

18th September 2013:
Hello, doing the Review Exchange from TGS!

I don't normally "judge a book by its cover," but I was struck instantly by the presentation of your story from the title, the beautiful banner and your summary. While it isn't necessary, I appreciate the care you took in presenting your story on the archive.

The premise is also interesting and so I'm already looking forward to reading this.

I would watch out for redundancy in the beginning here. All the sentences start with "she," when you could vary it up as otherwise the descriptions within the sentences fit well. There were a few grammar points, but overall it did not detract from the chapter.

Having read the whole thing through, it's interesting to see the take you are putting to a story of the seven deadly sins. I thought we'd start out with Astoria being someone hard to relate to and exploiting these, but she isn't. She needs boosting up from her grandfather with the encouragement to take pride in herself. I love the exchange she has with her grandfather. Though his speech is formal with her, the affection and love is evident in his words and the gestures.

It was interesting that you had Draco being someone who tortured and teased Astoria when she was young, as opposed to someone that she would idolize. We know, as we read the HP books from Harry's POV, how much of a cruel person Draco can be, but I feel from a Pureblood's POV, his actions would be looked at as justified or as his due. I guess being a fellow Pureblood, perhaps even purer than a Malfoy, would have Astoria thinking differently. However, she is also just an empathetic and sensitive seeming character already.

The introduction of Colin was so readily identified by me even before he pulled out his camera that I don't even really know what tipped me off to it, but nicely done. He was surprisingly astute for a 10 year old in that he recognized that Astoria was just parroting her parents as opposed to voicing her own opinion. Astoria reaction to this Mudblood was unfortunately expected.

Asthma, that's interesting. I wonder how you'll/if this will be incorporated into the rest of the story.

Are you planning on keeping this canon? If so, it'd be interesting to see how this ties together!

Char

Author's Response: Hi Char! Firstly, I'd like to apologise for the unacceptable length of time it's taken me to respond to this review, and I assure you that it won't ever take this long in future.

I understand -- I value the layout of stories on the archives, and while the layout wouldn't stop me from reading a story, it's a nice bonus to see the effort an author puts into their presentation. Ergo, I strive to do the same thing myself.

Woo, thank you! I was inspired by the one-shot A Multitude of Sins by Rachel/TenthWeasley, and that led me to wonder how the seven deadly sins would define other people, such as Astoria.

Ooh, thank you for the heads-up. I will take a look at the chapter again and make the changes you suggested. I think it's down to the fact that this was originally intended to be a one-shot, and originally Astoria's identity wasn't intended to be revealed at first.

Thank you! I wanted to create something unique, but at the same time portray a character who is above all, /human/. I wanted Astoria to be unconfident until her grandfather's speech about pride encouraged her -- and took the pride a little far in the end. Caspian definitely loves her, and he would do anything to protect her.

I think before Hogwarts, Draco picked on those weaker than himself. He targeted Astoria because she was younger, because she didn't fit the definition of perfect, because she wasn't brave enough to stand up and fight back against him. I don't think, despite her sensitive nature, Astoria would have reported his behaviour to the adults. The pure-bloods tend to focus on their children's positives, and I'm sure that in the late eighties, Lucius and Narcissa wouldn't have reacted well to being told that their beloved only son was a bully.

It's strange, because not everyone picked up on Colin's identity at first, so well done to you! At the time, he was 12, and I think that after a first year at Hogwarts where he was Petrified and heard the tales about the Heir of Slytherin, he would have understood a little more about young first-years. Not to mention that in my headcanon, Colin likes to believe the best of people where possible, and considering that Astoria's parroting her parents is better than the prospect of her being genuinely a narrow-minded purist.

Asthma definitely will be incorporated into the story -- it's part of a bigger storyline that appears in later chapters.

I definitely plan on keeping this canon -- there may be some things that initially appear to be non-canon, but I've checked my plans and nothing explicitly states that it's canon or didn't happen in canon. ;)


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Review #5, by teh tarik Gluttony (Part Two)

26th May 2013:
Katie ♡

Here with your requested review! As I mentioned earlier, I actually have read this chapter and I forgot to review. Would you please pardon this unacceptable behaviour of mine. Also, it's been quite a long time since I came back to this story! I'm so glad you requested a review from me; reading this chapter again made me reacquaint myself with Astoria and her stifling life and childhood.

First, I'm really glad that you chose to start this chapter with Daphne's perspective. It's nice to see what Daphne thinks of her sister, and how the two Greengrass girls get along; I can't remember Daphne from the previous chapters - I think she was always too close to Pansy (or at least Astoria thinks so) and Astoria never really felt that warm sisterly bond with her. So it's such a lovely surprise to read this part and find Daphne a considerably more sympathetic character who does indeed exhibit concern and a certain measure of affection for her lil sis. I find it hugely intriguing that Astoria doesn't seem to be able to pick up on Daphne's concern toward her - it certainly gives their relationship a very one-sided feel, or maybe the two girls simply don't understand each other; also, I'm inclined to think that Astoria is rather preoccupied with her own life and self. At any rate, their sister-sister relationship is incredibly complex and nuanced so great work on this - this kind of difficult sibling relationship is one of my favourite things to read in fanfic.

These lines really surprised me: But there will always be times when she despairs of Astoria's attitude; of the way that Astoria thinks that because they're Greengrasses, they deserve so much more than they have.

All Daphne wants is for Astoria to be normal.


This was a completely unexpected turn in Daphne's characterisation, and I like it a lot. If you had hinted this along the story, that Daphne thinks that Astoria overestimates the Greengrass family, then I didn't pick it up at all. But it's a wonderful and unexpected element in her characterisation, so great work on that. I do hope you'll continue to expand on this aspect.

It's also really interesting to contrast Astoria's views of herself to that of her sister's. It's a nice touch of irony, that Daphne wants Astoria to be normal, and the latter does actually try to be...except she goes to extreme lengths to attain this perceived semblance of normality. I suppose Astoria refusing to eat and embracing the start of an eating disorder similar to Pansy's is also one giant attempt to separate herself from her family, to obtain some measure of control over her own life, which is otherwise strictly regulated by her mother and other pureblood expectations. Right, that was a really long sentence :P

Gluttony as a sin and how it fits into Astoria's life - well I think you've shown this very well, through that extract from the book and the last segment of the story, which was gorgeously written. I like that you provided different definitions and examples of gluttony (you must have been researching Christian scriptures or something :P ) and then applied all of these to her family members. Not even her beloved grandfather is free from the judgement of S. Cartwright :) I really love those last few paragraphs a lot. The narrative was very careful, building up tension bit by bit as well as a lot of sympathy for Astoria until we get to that OMG moment when she throws away her bread and soup and makes a decision with her life. There are glimpses into her troubled family life and the problems beneath the pureblood facade her mother is so desperately trying to maintain. All that was done very smoothly and skillfully, and just the right amount of information was given i.e. no clunky info dumps and the like.

As for CC, I don't have a lot, except I was wondering about Letitia Greengrass. She's a very harsh domineering woman...are there reasons for this? Will she be shown in a different light at any point of the story? It's just that her reactions are unusually strong and cruel and it would be great if you could provide us with greater insight into the Greengrass family life.

Also, this sentence confused me a bit: After discarding her empty bowl and plate, Astoria notices her school satchel sitting at the foot of her bed and leans over to retrieve the book she adores reading. This sentence was right before Astoria starts reading, and yet her bowl and plate are empty already? Maybe I missed something, but later she picks up the soup and plate to dump everything into the toilet. So possibly an error :)

And do watch your individual sentences: Astoria's eyes flicker open in the darkness of the hospital wing, sparsely lit with flickers emitting from the flames located in the lamps adorning the walls. They can get a little clunky. The above sentence used the word "flicker" twice.

Ah, anyway, I'm just being nitpicky so am gonna shut up now. Loved this chapter, Katie ♡ I'm so glad to have the chance to come back to this story and I do hope you find time to update this, even if you're writing other stuff! And, baah I know I've rambled a bit in this review. SORREH.

And because I'm feeling spammy, here's a game of chess:

♖♘♗♕♔♗♘♖
♙♙♙♙♙♙♙♙

♟♟♟♟♟♟♟♟
♜♞♝♚♛♝♞♜

It's your move!

teh ♥

Author's Response: Psh, it is /you/ who should pardon this unacceptable behaviour of mine, since it's taken me so long to review! So sorry about that ♥

I wasn't intending to begin this chapter from Daphne's POV, but after I had a few false starts with Astoria's POV, I decided to give Daphne's a whirl after you mentioned wanting to see more of the relationship between the Greengrass sisters :P

Daphne definitely cares for Astoria, but both girls have been brought up in a society where oeople are very guarded. In the Weasley family, Ginny would be poked and hugged and her brothers wouldn't hesitate to confront her if they were worried about her, and Molly wouldn't be shy about asking if something was wrong. The Greengrass sisters don't live that kind of life, and I think Astoria's oblivion to Daphne's compassion for her is partly because she's so absorbed with herself, but partly because Daphne's never really known how to express that she loves her sister, if that makes sense :3

I did hint on it slightly in the first chapter, when Daphne reprimands Astoria for thinking the Greengrasses more superior than they actually are. But I'm glad that it was a pleasant surprise for you! :)

That indeed was a rather long sentence, but it made wonderful sense - and is absolutely correct. I do love the irony - I wanted to make each sin define her in different ways; I felt that each seven sin being influenced through dialogue would get repetitive ;)

Ah, thank you so much! ♥ I /did/ research the seven deadly sins, and when I discovered that gluttony was defined as more than just being greedy with food, I took that opportunity to expand upon Astoria's relationships - or lack of - with her family members. She's a Greengrass, but she doesn't want to be, and yet she's convinced being a Greengrass means being superior, and I love her jumble of thoughts and her contradictory mind XD

Letitia does have reasons for why she's the way she is, although I'm not sure if that'll be explained in this story, although I do have a Letitia one-shot in the works (and it is very firmly a one-shot!) I'll try and see if I can incorporate her into future chapters, though :)

Ah, yes - thanks for picking that up! I was originally going to have Astoria go down a different eating disorder route, but after some considering I decided the one I decided upon would be better :P I'll fix that, and the sentence you highlighted (if I haven't already)

I WILL UPDATE. I am going to complete every WIP that I begin, even if it takes me until I'm 96 and is the cause of my untimely demise. Rest assured, the fourth chapter will be up soon ♥

Don't worry about the rambling; I love your rambling :P

♖♘♗♕♔♗ ♖
♙♙♙♙♙♙♙♙
♘

♟♟♟♟♟♟♟♟
♜♞♝♚♛♝♞♜

And now it's yours!

-Isobel ♥


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Review #6, by RavenclawSorceress Gluttony (Part Two)

22nd March 2013:
I love this so far! Keep up the good work!

Author's Response: Thank you so much! The fourth chapter will be posted soon! :)

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Review #7, by adluvshp Gluttony (Part Two)

11th March 2013:
AditiDraco95 from the forums, here for your requested review.

Well, I must say I really liked this chapter a lot. It is, by far, my favourite, maybe because we got to see more of Astoria's familial relations =) This also completed the "unfinished" part of the previous chapter (or I should say part one) very neatly and smoothly, and I liked the way a continuity was maintained.

I really liked that you explored the relationship between Astoria and Daphne here. I loved getting a glimpse into Daphne's mind (in the beginning). It was sweet how you showed that she indeed cared about her sister a lot, and worried for her, and the way she was sort of "tired" with Pansy. I also liked her interaction with Draco and the way she sort of took out her anger on him - served him right.

I also liked the way you have characterised Astoria's parents. It was all expressed quite realistically, so good job. I found her mother to be particularly horrible though, I am not sure if that was your intent, but if it was, you definitely got the point across!

I also really liked Daphne's yearning for Astoria to be "normal". I think that sentence - "All Daphne wants is for Astoria to be normal." - was very powerful and had a great role in the chapter, and in defining Daphne's character. Even though she's not the main character, I always think that minor/supporting characters should be given enough place in the story too - and enough insight as well - so I am pleased you did that.

I liked the part where Astoria reads the segment on Gluttony in the book and then compares how her family is defined by it. That was very nicely done. The later part made me feel sad though, at how she decides to avoid being a glutton and follows in Pansy's footsteps. The build up you provided in part one matched well with the "consequences" in this chapter. The sin ultimately did become a part of her personality and that was shown cleverly.

Over all, Astoria was once again portrayed very well here. The sin of gluttony definitely showed through prominently - combining parts one and two, so good work. Her emotions, of relief on finding out that Colin didn't say anything to anyone, of guilt when seeing her food, of shame as she realizes her family is a glutton and so is she, and her determination as she throws away her food, were all expressed wonderfully in a couple few words. It was not directly highlighted upon yet they came through to me, and I loved that.

It was a sensitive issue indeed, yet you managed to express it properly and diplomatically, without leaving out Astoria's feelings on the subject.

The entire chapter - part one and part two - flowed well together. The transitions were smooth as well, be it from present to past, or from one segment to another. I was pleased to see that this chapter was not wordy at all and all of your sentences were very easy to follow. There were no grammar issues either except one small typo that I spotted here:
What are you doing here? she asks, a slight tone of concern in your voice.
- you switched to second person there by mistake.

As for CC, I don't have any for you in this chapter. You have been doing a great job with this story, and so far, I am satisfied with the way you tie in the sins with Astoria, and justify it all.

Good going! Keep writing!

Cheers!
AD
(AditiDraco95)

P.S. I am sorry if this review didn't seem very helpful and detailed as my previous ones, but I am kind of exhausted right now, so can't think too straight too much! Sorry about that. I hope you don't mind. Feel free to re-request =)

Author's Response: Hello Angie! ♥ I'm really sorry for the delay in this response; I'd planned to reply earlier but things came up IRL. Sorry about that! :/

Aww, thank you so much! This chapter is competing with the last one for my favourites, because I have a penchant for writing Colin Creevey since I started this story! :P But it's great to hear the familial relations were what made this chapter your favourite, since there are more familial relations in the next chapter.

Haha, thanks! It certainly serves Draco right! I wanted to show how the bullying on Astoria impacts Daphne as well - how she's torn between defending her sister and standing by, and it's great to hear that you liked her!

Letitia Greengrass is definitely a horrible person! What made her that way is a tale for another story, but yes - and I think part of her horrible-ness comes from no-one daring to point out how bad her behaviour is.

Ahh, thank you! I've had that sentence in my head ever since I started this story, and I'm really pleased that you thought it was powerful! :) I agree about minor characters needing their place in a story, although occasionally main characters need the attention. :P

Thank you! I had trouble trying to work out how Astoria would recognize that her family were gluttonous, and then I thought I could revisit the book and have it recurring. It's excellent to hear that you think it tied in well with the story, since it wasn't planned! XD

Thank you so much, and yay! Story flow and semi-colons are my enemies, so it's great to hear that I'm conquering them so far at least! And thanks for pointing out that typo! XD I didn't spot it! But I've now corrected it. :)

Thank you so much, and I certainly will!

-Katie ♥


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Review #8, by Faith100z Gluttony (Part One)

10th February 2013:
Hello again!

You're such a good writer and this was a really well written chapter! I loved the interactions between Colin and Astoria. I loved that you showed she was kind of unsure about him and out of her depth since she's only a first year and hasn't really interacted with Muggle-borns before school.

AND THE DEMENTORS! ohmygosh I'm dying to know what happens. :O

I also like how you represented the general viciousness of Slytherin house. I'm not saying they were all bad, but a lot of them were. I've also imagined there's a lot of competition amongst all the purebloods, and I love that you included that through Pansy wanting to sit next to Draco. The old-fashioned ways of the purebloods were also well written. They way Astoria's mother is already talking about her getting married and needing to find a good husband to keep the bloodline pure, etc.

The emotions you've written Astoria having are also really realistic. Brilliant chapter!

- Faith

Author's Response: Hello again indeed! :D

Aww, thank you! ♥ Colin was really fun to write; it was extremely addictive writing him, actually, since he was just so fun! (And he's the reason that Gluttony was split into two, haha!) She hasn't interacted with Muggle-borns -at all- so to have Colin be the first one she meets affects their friendship in a good way, I think.

Haha, you'll find out in the next chapter! ;)

It's interesting to hear your view there, as I wasn't intending to portray just Slytherin House as bullies. Although I do agree with you - they weren't all bad. What I had in mind writing those scenes was that Draco and Pansy are canon bullies, and obviously they're a part of Astoria's life so it would be unrealistic to have someone else bully her. Gryffindors are bullies too - just look at Sirius (and to an extent, James). Indeed there is! Especially with "royalty" like the Malfoys - it's all so very Jane Austen-y, trying to make the best marriage possible. (And yes, even at the age of ten, Pansy does think of marriage!)

Thank you so much! I hope to see you again when further chapters are posted!

-Katie ♥


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Review #9, by Faith100z Pride

10th February 2013:
Hi there! I've been wanting to check out this story for awhile and I'm so glad I did!

I love that you've chosen to write about a pretty minor character and even started writing about her as a young child. You've also done a really good job explaining her motives and the reasons behind why she's prideful (beyond just the fact that she's a pureblood.)

The way Draco bullies her is also interesting since the reader knows they eventually wind up married. It's almost like the old "if a boy annoys/teases/makes fun of you it means he likes you" idea. But in this case it's obviously flat out bullying rather than teasing. I'm excited to see how you write them together in later chapters.

I thought the flow was excellent too! I didn't see any typos either, great work! Astoria's characterization is also really spot-on. You've given her classic pureblood traits without making her so big-headed that she can't be hurt by the things Draco says. Draco is also really close to what I imagine he'd be like as a child.

Awesome work! *rushes to next chapter*

- Faith

Author's Response: Hi! I'm glad you came to read this story too and that you decided to leave reviews! :D

Thank you - it's always a compliment to hear someone likes the ideas I come up with! :3 And it's great to hear that you think I've done a good job!

I felt it was overdone to make Astoria completely in love with Draco, so I wanted to do something different and more realistic. And thank you - you'll certainly see that in the last two or three sins! :)

I was really worried about characterization when I wrote this, so it's wonderful that you feel it's spot-on and Draco fitted your expectations of what he'd be like as a child.

Thank you for dropping by!

-Katie


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Review #10, by Roots in Water Pride

9th February 2013:
Hello! I'm here in response to the response you left on my status! I'm sorry for the delay in the delivery of my review, but since I'm here now, I'll just get started! :)

Oooh- this is a very interesting start to a story! I've always found the "seven sins" to be very fascinating, particularly when characters are shaped around their posession of one of the characteristics. I'd love to see Astoria's transition and growth through all of the sins.

I found your use of pride in this chapter very well done. It was nice to see that it was a characteristic that you gave to her while she was young, and one that was built out of necessity to counteract the bullying she has at the hands of Draco.

By the way, I found it absolutely fascinating to see Draco bully Astoria and know that in the future, the distant future, he will end up marrying her. I wonder how he'll fix the mistakes of his youth once he realizes just how fantastic Astoria actually is.

But anyway, I really liked how you used pride in this chapter. Though I hope that she'll grow out of the pointed superiority she feels in this chapter as she grows up, her behaviour fits her age.

It'll be interesting to see how reading the book's explanation of the seven sins will affect her future behaviour. Will it make her more conscious, more aware of how she acts? Will it cause her to draw away from any action she perceives to be a result of a sin?

Her grandfather certainly is a great influence on her. He's her support, her rock in life and I'm really glad that he was there to counteract the negative effect Draco had on Astoria. It's awful that more bullied children don't have that kind of support system, one that recognizes that something is wrong and attempts to fix it.

My only critique would be that I found the narration in the first section of the story slightly strange because it sounded too grown-up for Astoria's seven years of age. While I'm aware that this story is written in third person, it's written in the limited perspective that allows the readers to know her thoughts... And her thoughts were worded too finely for a seven-year-old. But that's only my thought. :P

All in all, I think that you did a great job with this chapter and I'm very interested to see how Astoria copes with the other sins that accompany the simple state of being human.

Author's Response: Hi Roots!

Don't worry about the delay! I'm a little late with my response too, and I hope that you don't mind!

You definitely will! I've got things planned to link events in Astoria's life to the deadly sins, just like her childhood bullying is linked to the sin of pride.

Thank you! I didn't want to give her all of the sins when she was an adult, as I felt that sometimes childhood can affect adulthood and how better to instil the concept of pride that we see in the other Slytherins? :P And she will grow out of it... eventually.

I'm afraid I can't comment on that particular topic, since you're somewhat of a mind-reader concerning two of the sins. And that is all I'll say on the matter. ;)

As for Draco, I found it overdone to have Astoria head-over-heels in love with him, so I decided to try out the opposite. Her grandfather is definitely a good person in her life, with well-meaning intentions. However, he won't always be around - especially not when she's at Hogwarts, for example - and that will have an effect on Astoria.

I think you may be the first person to mention that, actually. I must admit that I was concerned about the first section too, but after reviews and re-reading I've decided to keep it like that. I did try to keep it as young as possible, with "art-write-is" et cetera, and I think if I tried to edit that section further I would have to sacrifice some of the detail and imagery. :3

Thank you so much, and thanks for reviewing! ♥


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Review #11, by Gabriella Hunter Gluttony (Part One)

9th February 2013:
Hello!

Hey, there, its Gabbie with your requested review and I'm sorry that it took a minute. I've oddly been busy and sort of lazy so I made sure that I got out of it and used my spare time to leave some actual reviews today. :D
So, we're back with Astoria and a bit of time has passed. I was still able to understand and get into her character though and I like that you didn't stray from the uncomfortable, nasty things that happen in her life.
Her banter with Colin was witty and thought provoking for her I think. He sort of just puts these little ideas into her head and I hope she eventually takes that into account.
But the Dementors! Oh, the Dementors! Argh! I thought that you played on what Astoria was scared of very well. It made me upset seeing her bullied and the weight of that on her shoulders and it coming from all directions was just brilliantly written. It makes her feel so real and I have alot of empathy for her, though I sort of want to punch her sister/mum/ and of course Draco Malfoy. And Pansy too. I can't stand that girl and I think you played on different dynamics very well and can't wait to see where you go with this.
There are no CC's either, I thought that this was lovely, very realistic and took some guts. :)
Much love,
Gabbie

Author's Response: Hello! Ah, it's fine - and I've been lazy about my review responses too! :3

I wanted to keep things moving, and certainly it would've been difficult writing Lust for a twelve-year-old! ;) (In my head-canon, Astoria's birthday is September.) I also wanted to make her story realistic, and since we know that Draco and Pansy are bullies in canon it wouldn't make sense for them to be saintly - even to Astoria.

Ahh, yes Colin does have an influence on Astoria! She won't take note of all those little tidbits he's been putting into her mind... yet. ;)

Thank you! I didn't like how, from Harry's POV, the Dementors didn't seem to affect the other Hogwarts students bar unnerving them and causing gossip. They broke the rules at the Gryffindor/Hufflepuff Quidditch match; who's to say they didn't do it before then and Harry simply wasn't aware? ;) So yeah, that was the idea that set off the whole Dementor scene!

I'm sorry that you were upset! :( It's great to hear though that you think the bullying was brilliantly written - I so wanted to portray it realistically and I'm glad that you think so! XD Personally, I wouldn't punch Daphne - just Mrs Greengrass, Draco and Pansy. Daphne, to me, wants to support Astoria but has a degree of selfishness that encourages her to remain on Pansy's side to avoid becoming another bullying victim - but she does have -some- good in her.

AWWW THANK YOU!! XD

-Katie ♥


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Review #12, by teh tarik Gluttony (Part One)

6th February 2013:
Katie ♥

Oh, another amazing chapter! Astoria has such wonderful and in-depth characterisation. There's so much detail about her, even from the opening paragraph - the way she's sitting reading her book, the feelings about her sister that she can't understand. The image of her avoiding her peers and sitting alone shows her as such a vulnerable character, and this makes for quite wonderful contrast, especially when Colin joins her and she assumes a superior and somewhat arrogant manner toward him. And speaking of Colin...I LOVE HIM. He is so cute. And pretty irritating, as well, the way he takes pictures of her without asking, and how he shoves himself right next to her, on that narrow bit of blanket she's sitting on - completely uninvited, of course. I love their interactions together - I love how Astoria changes gradually during their conversation, from being all cold and stiff and haughty to being genuinely interested in Colin. And of course, the exchange between the two of them is just delightful. It's playful, it's very lightly written, and it's also very warm and heartfelt and sincere, especially when Colin admits that he gets picked on for who he is. You've written their dialogue so so beautifully that I'm beginning to repeat myself :P I suppose it won't be too sensible to ship Colin and Astoria together in the future, eh...

And arrgh, when you sent me the preview with the cliffhanger in it I thought it would be resolved when I read the whole chapter...but of course this isn't the whole chapter. It's only the first part. WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN WITH THOSE DEMENTORS. HOW CAN YOU LEAVE THINGS LIKE THIS !?!?

And now, on to the next segment of the story. This is where things get very painful and heartbreaking for Astoria, but it was also pretty tough for me to read through all the experiences that the poor girl had to go through, and at such a young innocent age as well.

OK, but before that, I have to ask because I'm not really sure...I was wondering why the narrative suddenly shifted to the past. And then it occurred to me that perhaps the Dementors were making Astoria relive some of her worst memories - is that right? I can get a little thick and imperceptive in my reading sometimes :P That would certainly explain why the scenes in the flashback change so swiftly - from the chocolate cake scene to the part in Daphne's bedroom and so on. Oh yeah, and THANK YOU SO MUCH for not italicising the flashback. Bahaha! Sorry! There's not a lot of things that irritate me in fanfiction, but italicised flashbacks are one of my biggest pet peeves :P So, um, anyway, sorry for rambling.

I think you've done an excellent job in portraying the weight-related bullying scenario here. It's a very bleak and painful but utterly realistic portrayal. And you've shown even more of Astoria's vulnerable side here, as well as her low self esteem and sense of isolation from her friends and family - which of course explains why she's a bit of a loner in her present life. SO MANY FEELS *sniffs* I just want to pick child Astoria up and give her a big hug :( You've really shown the detrimental effects of bullying on children. And the bullies - Pansy, Draco and that random stranger who shouts at her on the stairs - they make such a great contrast to the earlier scene with Colin. Children can be so cruel, but sometimes they're also so sincere and innocent. This is just so lovely :)

And I think I really love the complex relationship between the Greengrass sisters. It was so surprising when Daphne actually stood up for Astoria, but at the same time she's not willing to ditch any of her friends (ahem, Pansy) even if they are bullying her sister. And of course, again, that opening sentence of the chapter about Astoria's uncertain feelings about Daphne going to Hogsmeade - that really hints at the complex relationship between the sisters. I do hope that Daphne will have a bigger role in future chapters; it should be so interesting and I'm sure you'll do a wonderful job depicting both of them!

Sooo...I think I've reached the end! Of this chapter, that is. MORE WILL COME, AND SOON, RIGHT? RIGHT? (this is totally not a threat, by the way :P )

OK, so, in conclusion: ADORED THIS CHAPTER. You're a wonderful writer. So more please!

-teh ♥

Author's Response: teh ♥

Where do I start? This review has been sitting at the bottom of my unanswered reviews for a month because it's just overflowing with lovely stuff that when I re-read it to try and reply, I just melt into a puddle of feels and puddles can't type. :P

Ahh, Astoria and Colin! I don't know why, but I love describing Astoria! I think it's because she's on the outside of things, while Fee is the centre of all the drama. Colin was deliberately made to be like that - annoying, because we know from canon he is, and uplifting, because he needs to cheer up Astoria! I kind of see him as this guy who's got a heart of gold but lacks the societal etiquette that Astoria's had drummed into her her entire life. ♥ He makes appearances in Wrath and Sloth too, so don't worry - he'll be back!

BAHAHAHAHA THAT IS BECAUSE I AM EVIL *cackles evilly*

I understand they were hard to read - they were hard for me to write too - but I didn't want to gloss over the topic. Especially with the next chapter - if you read that one without the latter half of this chapter, I'm guessing there would be a "but why would she do that?" reaction. Also, it does happen in real-life too, and I think I've already mentioned that I wanted to make this story realistic. :)

And yes - those would be Astoria's worst memories. Harry remembering his parents' deaths gave me the idea for that, especially as I needed a somewhat plausible way to include her memories without interrupting the story flow. And no problem! It's a peeve of mine too - segments of stories can be italicized depending on context but not flashbacks; that's what line breaks are for. ;)

Thank you, thank you, thank you! It's always brilliant to hear how much you love this story, and gushing about your favourite aspects is one of my favourite parts of reading reviews! XD

Bahaha, your wishes have been answered! Daphne does feature in chapter three! And yes - she's kind of in between. She loves Astoria enough to want to protect her, but not enough to shun everyone and everything she's ever known. It's kind of a difficult position for Daphne, although far worse for Astoria, of course.

AND YES, MORE WILL COME. I have a whole plurrow (plot burrow where the plot bunnies live) full of plunnies, I just need more hours in the day to write! D:

But thank you again for being so fabulous! ♥ I can't wait to read your review on chapter three!

-Katie ♥


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Review #13, by Gabriella Hunter Pride

6th February 2013:
HellO!

Its me, Gabbie, with your requested review and thanks for the great read. :D So, there aren't alot of Astoria fics out there for some reason and I find that that's a real shame as she's a character that you can do alot with. :D
Your Astoria comes from noble, pureblood blood (Say that five times fast, eh?) but even with that I loved that you gave her very real insecurities. She felt like a real little girl to me, especially in the beginning when she was hiding from Draco in the place she felt the most comfortable--with her grandfather that is. LOVED your description of Draco by the way, he was just as I imagined a younger version of that little beast to be and I'm glad that Astoria didn't have a crush on him, as that would have been typical. Her grandfather just astounded me with how amazing he was and the moments between them were just the sweetest.
Everything about Astoria is something different and I really enjoyed what you did with her character and her relationship with her family. Eerily, it reminded me of MY Astoria in my story, even down to how she's described and I had to wonder if you were digging in my head and sharing brain waves.
But other than that, haha, I really, really loved the contrast that you made with her and Daphne, it was such a good view into their relationship and what society expects of them.
And what's this? Astoria stealing books from Colin Creevey? I really liked that conversation she had with him, while brief, had alot of power behind it. Think for yourself, was the message there but Astoria didn't follow it and those last few lines were so arrogant...so desperately arrogant that I had to applaud. Excellent writing, I can't wait to see where this story goes! As for CC's, I actually didn't spot any, I like the way you have this written from her POV and I liked the world you've built around her. She's like a pretty doll that's being puppetted around against her will or something, I really loved that bit of vulnerability you gave her. So, continue and feel free to re-request whenever you like! :)
Much love,
Gabbie

Author's Response: Hi Gabbie!

Yup, I totally agree! We know the facts of Astoria's life, but we don't know the emotional side of it. It's perfectly plausible for her and Daphne to hate each other and claw each other's eyes out on a daily basis, and her marriage to Draco could've been voluntary or it could've been planned... there's just so much ambiguity about her and I'm loving that in this story. ♥

I don't think that just because you're a pure-blood means you don't have bad things happen in your life - just look at Draco, and he's a Malfoy. Aww, thank you! Yup, I wanted to avoid the whole "in love since they were kids" scenario, and love/hate relationships are always the most fun anyway! ;) If you re-read your review, "just as I" is right above "Astoria didn't" and the first time I read your review, I thought you said "just as I have a crush on him"... :3

Yup, Astoria loves her grandfather. Caspian Greengrass is the best! ♥

Haha, really?! I'll have to check out your Astoria story sometime then! *puts it on mile-long to-do list* And of course I am, because hey, great minds think alike! ;)

Technically Astoria didn't -steal- the book from Colin, since he said she could have it if she wanted. :P And Colin turns up in chapters two and three too! Yep - she definitely has more in common in Draco than she thinks (and will never admit to)! Ahhh ahhh ahhh thank you so much! ♥

Btw, Astoria -is- a pretty doll being puppetted around against her will... I am making her do what I want for this story, after all! ;) And there's a re-request waiting for you on the forums!

-Katie ♥


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Review #14, by Remus Gluttony (Part One)

5th February 2013:
Heya! Here with your other review for the swap! I just had to come and read this one because I wanna know what happens!

I have to be honest, I've never been a Colin Creevy fan. In fact, I'm usually annoyed by him. However, you're making me like him a little bit here! Hahaha! He seems more mature around Astoria than what he is around Harry.

Once again, his conversation with Astoria is fantastic. He seems like a guy who matured quite a bit after being petrified. I'm half tempted to ship Colin with Astoria...but I'll settle with a friendship! A secret friendship.

Astoria's feelings towards Colin are fantastic. I like she feels and thinks that she's superior, that she deserves the world and that no Gryffindor should dare to talk to her without her consent. However, at the same time, she's definitely feeling inferior thanks to the bullying she's suffering from Pansy and the other classmates. I'm glad, however, that Daphne is sticking up for her sister. Otherwise, I really would not have liked Daphne at all. I'm an older sister myself and when my sister got bullied I became a dragon, ready to attack.

I like how you brought forward other bullying themes. In the books, we only saw bullying about blood status but never really about other things that we go through in real life. Something about weight is not only very realistic but very harsh to read. Having been both a bully and a bullied victim it was both harsh and sad to see the truth behind the bullied. This was definitely very realistic. So I applaud you to that.

I definitely see the improvement from the previous chapter to this one. Not so many semicolons and ubber long sentences. Brilliant job on that part.

I really can't wait to see what happens in the second part of Gluttony!

Until next time!!

--Rosie

Author's Response: ROSIE! *glomp*

It's great to see you back here unexpectedly, and I'm really glad you liked this story enough to come back! XD

I think part of that is down to the fact that Colin is a fanboy, and Harry is famous while Astoria isn't. I mean, we're perfectly sane human beings until we meet someone famous and then we turn into mush and act stupid... and that's Colin. I always thought he was more mature around his own friends, especially as he was friends with Ginny if memory serves me right. :)

Haha, yup - Colin and Astoria only have a secret friendship. The pairings in this story are, in chronological order, Draco/Pansy, Astoria/Neville and Draco/Astoria. :P

Every human being is complex, and I don't think Astoria is any different. She hates Pansy for how she looks down upon her, but she does the same to Colin. And I wanted Astoria and Daphne to be close, especially with the kind of parents they have, but I wanted to remain true to canon and as we know Daphne is part of Pansy's circle of friends, I decided to have Daphne torn between the two instead of abandoning Astoria.

Thank you! I did think that it was odd just to have blood status bullying, so I wanted to incorporate other kinds too. Having been a bullied victim in the past too, I wanted to portray the topic realistically and it's brilliant to hear that you felt that it was! :D

True story: when I first read your typo of uber, instead of seeing ubber I saw udder and I was like: "Wait, wait, what happened? Where are the cows?" It was a really funny moment! XD And it's great to hear that my sentences are better in this chapter! :)

I can't wait to see your review on the next chapter when I post it, too! :)

-Katie


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Review #15, by adluvshp Gluttony (Part One)

5th February 2013:
Here for your requested review again =)

Ooh, this was a very powerful chapter and I think you've written it wonderfully.

The first segment of the story was written well and I loved the imagery that accompanied your descriptions. I like how you have incorporated Colin Creevey into Astoria's life, and the way he seems to almost make Astoria question herself and in a way explore and contemplate her own actions and thoughts. I loved the sentence of Astoria screaming that Draco is not her friend as that really sheds a lot of light on her characterisation, and says a lot about the impact on Astoria of the "pain" he has caused her throughout her childhood.

The memories were very powerful too, and they all made me feel so sad. The bullying issue is a very sensitive one, but very prominent in our society too, so I like how you've incorporated it into the story. I particularly liked the "dressing up" memory as, to me, it was a very impacting moment - it showed Astoria's innocence and Pansy's bullying very clearly. The ending was especially sad too, as Astoria is forced to actually end up thinking that she's fat, and the way you showed how it happened made me sympathise with her a lot. I think you captured it all in a very smooth and touching manner.

As for your concern, I'd say that this chapter too related very well to the sin of gluttony, and you didn't stray at all. However, the way "pride" DEFINES Astoria in the first chapter, I am not sure "gluttony" actually defines her here - at least that didn't come across to me. If you wanted to portray how it actually defines her, how it forms a part of her personality, maybe polish this chapter a little more to work on getting that across to the readers.

I did like the ending, but the way you ended it threw more light on the way the thought of her being fat was planted on her, so maybe extending the ending to two-three more paragraphs that express the way that thought became a defining feature of her personality would make it more effective than it already was. You could also bring her back to the present and show how the refreshment of her memories of "gluttony" affected her - if you don't intend to do that in the upcoming chapter. Of course, feel free to ignore my suggestion if your aim is not to strongly show "gluttony" a part of Astoria, but simply to express that the thought was something that she was haunted by.

Apart from that, I think you captured the entire issue quite brilliantly. I liked that the chapter didn't immediately focus on it, but rather came to her as an unpleasant onslaught of memories by the arrival of Dementors - that was a thoughtful move.

The chapter flowed really well, just like the first, as you maintained the grammar, pace, and characterisation evenly throughout. The transitions between the memories, and before, were smoothly done as well. The two chapters flowed well together too and I didn't see any dis-connectivity or any gaps in the narratives. I think you did a pretty good job writing it =)

Finally, the wordiness factor. You'd be pleased to know that I didn't find any wordy sentences in this chapter at all. In fact, your descriptions seemed so beautifully done, to me, so kudos. This made for a very easy and smooth read, so I'd say you don't need to be concerned about it much!

Over all, I really liked reading this chapter too, it connected with me on many emotional levels, and there was nothing that I disliked. The minor CC I gave you about gluttony not defining Astoria, is not much either, since it is all up to you whether you want to present it that way or not =) Rest, this was a well-written chapter so good work!

9/10

Cheers!
AD
(AditiDraco95)

P.S. Feel free to re-request for another chapter/story, and happy valentines review-a-thon!

Author's Response: First of all, I would like to apologize most profusely for this incredibly late review! I have never left it over two weeks to respond to a review in the past! This review was just so long and complimentary that it blew me away completely, and then RL got in the way and prevented me actually typing out some sort of proper response! I'm so sorry! ♥

Thank you so much for your compliments! I wanted to include a Muggle-born to be the complete opposite of Astoria, and the person who popped into my head was Colin - he's so upbeat and positive that he seemed ideal for Astoria's moodiness. :D I quite like that too - the sudden outburst really showed that Colin had touched a raw nerve, hopefully!

Draco and Pansy are both canon bullies, and my experience of bullies is that they never limit themselves to one type of discrimination (eg blood purity) they'll pick on any weakness they can see, and I wanted to make this story realistic so I decided to include the weight issue - especially as I needed something to fit with the sin of gluttony.

I've already spoken to you on HPFF about how this is part one of Gluttony, and part two is almost finished! I'd really appreciate it if, in your next review, you could analyze how well -both- chapters overall relate to gluttony. :) It's also excellent to hear that you were happy with the pace and characterisation. I was a little concerned about the memory transitions, so it's great that you felt that they were smoothly done! XD

WOOO!!! XD

*jumps up and down* Thank you so much for all your wonderful compliments! I'm sorry that this review response isn't as long as I'd like it to be, but I didn't want to keep you waiting any longer.

Thank you again! ♥

-Katie

PS: What could I do to get this chapter up to a 10/10? ;)


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Review #16, by adluvshp Pride

5th February 2013:
Hi! Here for your requested review! Also, Happy Valentines Day review-a-thon!

I really liked this, and I think you've done a great job writing this! I always like Astoria stories, and find her portrayed differently in different stories, and I really liked your portrayal of her in this =)

Your plot concept is really good, and I love the whole idea of the 7 deadly sins and how they define Astoria. You asked me how well the sins relate to your chapters, and after reading this first chapter, I must say that you have related the sin of Pride very well with her character. I loved that you actually built up this "sin"/trait in her character, that is you showed why or how it happened, before showing that she was proud. I liked that you started out the story with a very young self of her, and I loved reading the relationship she shared with her grandfather, and how he built up Astoria's confidence and taught her to be proud of herself, and how that shined through by the end of the story. So great work there =)

As for the flow, I think this chapter flowed well. The transitions from one instance to another was done nicely. Your narrative itself had good flow as you maintained the tense, grammar, pace, characterisation and writing style throughout evenly, and so the over all chapter came off as very smooth. As for the flow between the chapters, I can tell you about it when I review the next chapter =)

Finally, I did see that a couple of your sentences were definitely wordy, but they didn't detract me from reading. It was nothing too heavy, not for me anyway, so I'd say that you shouldn't worry about it much. However, if you're highly concerned, I'd suggest getting a beta to get that fixed. But, honestly speaking, in my opinion, the narrative was easily readable and quite appealing, and the few wordy sentences didn't bother me.

All in all, this was a great chapter and I enjoyed it. I think you've written this brilliantly. Great going!

9/10
Cheers!
AD

P.S. I'll be reviewing chapter 2 in a while!

Author's Response: Hi there! Happy Valentine's Day review-a-thon to you! :)

Yup, one of the reasons I picked Astoria as my main character was because we know certain facts about her, but we don't actually really know her. This means that there is so much freedom to write her, which is really fun for me.

The idea of having a story about the seven deadly sins occurred after reading TenthWeasley's one-shot A Multitude of Sins, featuring Severus Snape and the seven deadly sins. It inspired me to write my own one-shot about them, albeit with a different character and different format, and it turned into this short story.

Thank you so much! I wanted Astoria to be prideful when she was younger, as I didn't think it would make sense for her to be - let's be honest - a snob after the second war, since we know the Malfoys reputation was in tatters after their involvement with Voldemort was proved, so it seemed unlikely for them to get together. Plus, what Astoria's grandfather tells her would be accepted by a seven-year-old, but if she was older then she'd probably take it with a pinch of salt and therefore wouldn't have the mentality of pride that she does in this chapter.

It's excellent to hear that the wordy sentences didn't detract from the story! I do plan on fixing a couple, since another reviewer pointed out a sentence that was an entire paragraph, but after consideration I'll keep this chapter essentially the same, and just shorten a few sentences here and there. :D

Thank you so much! ♥


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Review #17, by Remus Pride

30th January 2013:
Hey! So sorry I've taken forever to give you a review. Real life has been a pain and kinda stressful, and sorta got distracted by Pottermore... but now I'm here, distressing and enjoying life for the time being.

I really enjoyed reading Astoria as a child! I've never read one like that so it was refreshing to see a young version rather than the one that's dating Draco Malfoy or the one that's married to him. She seems to be a girl who is not as arrogant as her sister but the arrogance is still there. Specially when she thinks that she deserves better or that Greengrasses shouldn't have to 'wish'. She sounds like a spoiled brat but not so exaggerated as Daphne always is. She's still capable of love as we saw with her grandfather and I really liked that.

Speaking of the grandfather. He sounds like a respectable man and at the same time, a muggle-hating wizard. He doesn't instill fear like Lucius does so its great to see a different kind of 'respect' going around that doesn't require bullying. However, the disease/illness he has is not "art-write-is" which is an inflammation of joints making it hard and sometimes very painful to move hands or any part that is connected by a joint. I think the illness you want, which has to do with shaking of hands, is Parkinson's disease which is a disorder in the brain that leads to shaking. It starts in the hands before the body starts to deteriorate. In the end, its impossible to walk, talk or even eat. Both diseases are bad so its kind of sad that Astoria's granddad has one or the other.

Anyway, your description is fantastic and the characterization is great. Astoria so far is my favorite (of course!) and I can't wait to see what you're going to put her through. I laughed, by the way, when I realized that she had met Colin! Haha, poor guy...he had no idea what was going on. However, I really do like this line:

"You don't understand what the words mean; you're just repeating what your parents have been telling you all your life."

That line right there is the essence of all the Slytherin supremacists in the series. Or even in real life in general...

The one thing I have to point out is punctuation. Either you have way too many semicolons, or not enough periods. For example:


"That boy needs to learn manners," he mutters to himself, thinking of an event that Astoria remembers well; one winter afternoon, after spending the entire day playing Hide and Seek and having missed lunch because she was hiding- her nanny hadn't noticed, and Daphne told her afterwards that Draco had stolen her food to make her nanny think that he was taking it to Astoria- and out of hunger, she'd abandoned her hiding place to search the kitchen for food."


That paragraph right there is one whole sentence and it just feels way too wordy. You have several very wordy sentences (which I'm guilty of that myself...) so it sort of kills the flow. You have fantastic grammar, scenery, imagery and dialogue so if manage to polish the flow, you'll have a great story in your hands.

Other than that...this is it! I really do hope to read more of what is going to happen to our Astoria! I can tell that it'll be a love/hate relationship between Draco and her but I still want to see your take on it! XD

Until next time!

--Rosie

Author's Response: Hiya! I'm so sorry for the delay in responding to your review; I could've sworn I responded to it before now! (Although I could've dreamt writing the response... o.O)

Thank you! I didn't intend to spend so much time writing Astoria as a child, but once I started I simply couldn't stop and it's great to hear that you liked my portrayal of her! I certainly didn't want a picture perfect Slytherin, and I didn't want to take the opposite route and make her like Sirius / Andromeda - I think I based her off of Regulus a little, with all the shades of grey in her world. :3 So it's excellent that you think I've been successful in that so far!

In this fanfic, it's actually Astoria who's more spoilt than Daphne. My head-canon is that Pansy always made herself the centre of her attention, so Daphne was somewhat sidelined. :3

Ooh. I'll have to take a second look at that again - Astoria's grandfather definitely has arthritis, not Parkinson's Disease. (I spelt it art-write-is because when I was nine or ten, I thought Alzheimer's was actually Old Timers' Disease, so I kind of made Astoria make the same mistake. :P) I think I associated the shaking as being a result of the effort that her grandfather made to move his hands properly, like in physio when your limbs are exhausted from the effort and they start to shake.

Thank you, thank you! How could I -not- include Colin?! And that line is awesome; I think I picked Colin because he has so much confidence to go and ask strangers for photographs (and publicly fanboy over Harry) so he'd have the confidence to tell Astoria what he really thinks.

Ack, that paragraph! I'll get right on fixing that, and wordy sentences are the bane of my existence. I was always told by my English teacher to "expand your sentences, -always- expand your sentences" and it's a bad habit to get out of. :3

Chapter two is now up, so I hope you'll take a look! :D And yup; I love love/hate relationships! Ooh, that's great - thank you! XD

-Katie


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Review #18, by aquabluez17 Pride

28th January 2013:
Hey this is Mya here with your review!

Omg. That was beautiful. I loved it so much!!

I loved Astoria's grandfather and the muggle boy. I wish we could have gotten a name for him but hopefully he will become a friend of Astoria's.

The descriptions were great and I loved the way you portrayed the relationships between the characters.

I didn't honestly find anything that I didn't really like!

So just keep doing what you are doing! =)

You know where to find me if you want more reviews ;D

Author's Response: Hello!

I'm glad that you loved this chapter, and that you thought it was beautiful! :D

The Muggle-born boy is actually Colin Creevey, and you'll see him again in the next chapter! :)

Thank you so much; it's great to hear that there was nothing you disliked!

I will definitely keep doing what I am doing - and yes, I do know! :)


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Review #19, by CloakAuror9 Pride

20th January 2013:
Hey there! Just dropping by, so yeah...

That mysterious muggle boy! Who is that? The only name I can come up with is Colin Creevey since he has a younger brother, Dennis, that's 1-2 years younger than him, but maybe not. :

I know there is only one chapter so far, but I have a feeling that this story is going to be amazing. I'm actually kind of disappointed that there is no chapter two yet!

You characterised everyone so well from Astoria to the Muggle boy. Their characters seemed so realistic and so canon. I especially love Astoria's grandfather. At the start I thought he might be a person that is frightening and strict, just like a lot of the elderly purebloods, but he was completely different to what I imagined. And I'm happy for that because he sounds like he's one of the few people that Astoria can go to when she needs help.

Also, I love that comment about Draco thinking that Astoria's eyes are weird. That kind of gave me a little bit of hope since he didn't think her eyes were ugly but just weird. And in my books, weird is good. :D

I absolutely cannot wait for the next chapter. I wonder what deadly sin it'll be about next? I love your story so much. Ugh. It's amazing.

~Izzy

22nd review out of 100

Author's Response: Hello there! Thanks for dropping by! :D

I think I may need to go back and make it more who the boy is... the Muggle-born boy is certainly Colin Creevey - I thought including that he was taking photographs out of the window would make it obvious, but evidently not.

Aww, thank you so much! Chapter two will be up soon, I assure you - I always have something in the queue, and I do try to update as soon as possible, but I have other WIPs to update and one-shots to post. But I digress.

I'm flattered that you think I characterized everyone so well! I've always had an aversion to writing Hogwarts-era, because it has more canon details to adhere to compared to the other eras, so it's great to hear that you feel that this story is realistic and keeps to canon!

Astoria's grandfather is generally a strict person, but he has a soft spot for Astoria so bends the rules for her. Indeed, he's her guardian angel of sorts, and he has a major influence upon her life, especially in chapter three - Wrath.

Recently I've been putting more importance on my canon adherence than I did in the past, so never fear - Astoria and Draco will end up together in chapters six and seven - Greed and Envy respectively. However, Astoria will have a relationship before Draco. ;) So yeah, he calls her weird because in the end, they do become husband and wife, and calling her ugly wouldn't be very productive to that. :P

Thank you! ♥ And chapter two is Gluttony!

-Katie


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Review #20, by Jchrissy Pride

17th January 2013:
Hi darling! You left such a lovely review tag review for me that I thought I would come by and leave you one as a thank you!

I really love the detail to start out with surrounding the library. The dusty books and leathery smells really brought the scene to life.

I do think that the first couple paragraphs need to be cleared up a little more. She's thinking both about Draco and her grandfather but there's never really any separation between the two. For a while I almost thought the Draco was her grandfather, and this was Astoria the second or something ... so maybe a small clarification like 'her grandfather walked in instead of Draco' to make us understand that Draco and her and playing hide and seek but her grandfather is the one walking in.

I really love that Astoria's grandfather is such a strong character. And that he isn't afraid to put Draco in his place.

The image of Astoria looking in the mirror with her grandfather, pointing to her eyes and telling him that Draco said they're weird was so sad but still so cute. I love the kind of confidence it seems like the Astoria's grandfathers has built in her despite Draco's bullying.

I really do not think I'm a fan of Astoria's mother so far. But she also seems very well characterized as a woman who wants and needs to fit in with the other pure blood society women.

I love that you're showing the impacts of being raised a pureblood is having a Astoria, it's nice that you aren't just making her a sweet child. It seems really realistic that, even if Astoria doesn't believe the things she says, she still says that because that's what she was taught to do. I'm also really curious as to what Daphne was going to say!

I love the dynamic your building between Astoria and her grandfather, especially the protective side it seems that he has.. Even against her own mother. But her mother isn't the most wonderful woman.. So you can't blame him for that :P

This is a really beautiful start, and I definitely think that have something with this! Thanks again for the lovely review tag review!

Author's Response: Hi! Thank you so much for reviewing! I'm sorry for the delay in responding, your review was just so lovely (and unexpected!) that I had a case of the feels and couldn't form words! :P

I'm glad that you loved the detail about the library!

Thank you for pointing out that issue in the paragraph - I'll take another look at that and see what improvements are needed. :)

Yes - Astoria's grandfather isn't afraid of the repercussions of his actions. In fact, I'd go as far as to say he's quite arrogant, and thinks he can control the other pure-bloods, including the Malfoys. That'll become more evident in the third chapter. :)

I love that scene too! Yes - I needed something for Pride, so I thought that her grandfather could instill confidence in her, for that confidence to turn into arrogance later on.

Don't worry, you aren't meant to be a fan of Astoria's mother. ;) Mrs Greengrass is definitely living in her own world, so to speak, and it's hardly surprising that her daughter dislikes that. I wanted Astoria and Draco to have flaws, so Astoria's disinclination to believe in what she was brought up to believe is present in this chapter, although she doesn't want to admit it, and it'll become more evident as the chapters progress. You'll also find out what Daphne was going to say in Sloth, the fourth chapter. :)

I'm really glad that you love the relationship between Astoria and her grandfather - and I agree, you can't blame him for that! Plus, Astoria is the apple of his eye! XD

I love that you think this is a beautiful start, and I hope you'll think the rest of it is just as lovely, too! ;) And you're welcome, I'm glad you liked that review tag! ♥


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Review #21, by teh tarik Pride

17th January 2013:
Katie!! Here I am at last, catching up with your latest. And my goodness, what a beautiful detailed character study of Astoria you have here! Wow, wow there are just so many moments that I love I can't pick them out. OK, I'll try.

First of all, you've done amazing work with your characterisation of not only Astoria, but of her grandfather, and Draco Malfoy, and that mysterious but totes awesome Muggle-born boy on the Hogwarts Express. I love love love the relationships between Astoria and her grandfather; there's so much warmth and affection in it. From the opening passages, I initially thought her granddad would be some sort of stern, aloof and very proud fellow - probably because of his fussiness with his books and how she's never allowed in his study. But nah, you subverted my expectations nicely and I love how he protects her from Malfoy's bullying. Also, you've portrayed a child's POV really really convincingly.

Speaking of Malfoy, you've portrayed him so unnervingly well; he's absolutely true to his characterisation in canon. And I was really marvelling at the fact that despite being such a bully he's drawn to her eyes, and describes them as "weird". Not ugly or anything but "weird". I had such lovely feels there. I'm so so interested to see how the Draco/Astoria pairing develops over the course of your fic. And this is really saying something because I generally don't have a lot of interest for Draco Malfoy at all :D

And the second part of the chapter - there are so many moments here that just took my breath away - so many little things - so many details. Gah. I think Astoria has some sort of allergy to dust and cats and whatnot, amirite? I'm not too perceptive sometimes in my reading :p That was a really unexpected detail, but I love it! It's so utterly realistic! And it figures that nobody really cares to find out why it's so...even her grandfather simply assuring her that it's because she's "extraordinary". I guess allergies is not really a pureblood kind of thing xD Speaking of pureblood lineages and all, you've really tied this nicely to the theme of pride, one of the seven sins. I was reading her granddad's speech to her about how glorious she'll be and I was wondering if it was a bit too much for a little kid to hear...but pride. It really adds up :)

And who is this unnamed Muggle-born with the book? And why is he reading such a book? Will we find out or will he be remain a mystery? Gah, I CANNOT wait to see how the rest of this short story turns out. And and and...Astoria climbing up the roof of the Hogwarts Express! And with a book between her teeth as well! My goodness...what a lovely breathless moment there. I've not heard of such a thing in any fanfic...and Astoria of all people.

OK I'm rambling a lot and being generally not-helpful with this review and my goodness it's 3am so I'm going to shut up here and just FAVOURITE THIS STORY RIGHT NOW. It's so so lovely and I'm getting all gushy.

Alright, absolutely cannot wait for the next chapter :DDD

-teh

Author's Response: WHY MUST YOU WRITE SUCH AWESOME REVIEWS, TEH? Seriously, I've just been putting off answering this review because it's so awesome that I don't want to have to make it disappear from my "Unanswered Reviews". D:

But I digress. Thank you for your lovely review! I'm so honoured that you think this story is "beautifully detailed" - can you believe I was struggling to expand the first section at first, aiming for 1,000 words - and then it just ran away and I ended up with 3,000 words which merited the need to submit it as a short story! o.O

I didn't want her to be insanely in love with Draco like Ginny was when she first met Harry or friends a la Ron and Hermione; I wanted there to be constrast between the two relationships, so I made Draco quite horrible, if I may say so. Astoria's grandfather is one of those stern people, yes, but Astoria is the apple of his eye and she's the exception. Plus, he knows about the bullying so his need to protect her overrules his rules.

You didn't realize who the mysterious but totes awesome boy was? (LOVE that description btw! ♥) I thought I made it -so- obvious; that he's a year older than her, has a younger brother two years younger than him, is Muggle-born, has a passion for photography... No? Colin Creevey! XD

Haha yeah, Draco is -very- horrible to Astoria in the future before they become a couple (out of ignorance more than malice) and I didn't want him to be -too- cruel, considering that they do eventually marry and I want to keep this story realistic, so yeah. He calls them weird. :P And I've inspired an interest in Draco Malfoy in someone who doesn't have a lot at all?! *jaw drops*

Yes, Astoria suffers from asthma - the usual symptoms are coughing, wheezing, shortness of breath and tightness in the chest - and as it's a Muggle illness, her family haven't diagnosed it. ;) (In my head-canon, people in the wizarding world do have allergies.)

Thank you so much! I was worried the connection wouldn't be too clear, so I'm really happy that I was successful. I thought her grandfather would have given that little speech to her to try and encourage Astoria to have some confidence and belief in herself and her importance, and combined with his biased opinion, the reaction seems to have been a little stronger than intended. :P

I've already mentioned who Colin is! XD I'll be revealing why he reads such a book in the next chapter! And I wanted to make Astoria somewhat unique and break away from the preconceptions of her being like Pansy and her friends. :) I love that moment! ♥

Thank you so, so much for your review! It might not be 100% helpful, but it was definitely uplifting! XD *hugs*

-Katie


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Review #22, by fauxthefox Pride

15th January 2013:
I loved this! :)

Astoria's character looks really good so far, and I like the conflict between her frustration with her family and her Pureblood pride.

I'm also loving gramps :)

Author's Response: Thank you for reviewing!

I'm glad that you like Astoria's character; I was a little concerned that by breaking up what was originally intended to be a one-shot I would adversely affect the characterization so it's good to hear that you consider it to be really good! XD

Yes - she considers her family superior to every other pure-blood's, and that everyone else should be lucky that she even glances at them - she's a lot more like Draco than she realizes. ;)

And I'm glad that you love Astoria's grandfather! ♥


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