Hey there! It's Mae with your requested review! :)
First of all, just to get this out of the way, your title should be "It's Not Love" to show that it is not love. I don't know how important that is to you, but I noticed it and it bugged me just a little bit ;).
Anyway, I really really like the concept of this story! I've actually read a few arranged marriage stories before on a different site, but this one seems a little more thought out! I don't necessarily agree that Narcissa would be the one to make such an arrangement, because in the end I always imagined that she cared less about purity than her husband did and always had. I could be terribly wrong about that though.
Mikaela is really funny as well! Her inner dialog had me laughing quite a few times. :) Though, since this is done in first person, I'm not exactly sure how necessary it is to have italics to show her thoughts. First person is her inner thoughts at all time. Having her have thoughts in her inner thoughts just gets a little...awkward. ;)
I've never seen a concept of Scorpius having a twin before. Especially not a girl twin. She seems very different compared to all of the Scorpius characters I've ever read, so I wonder what he'll be like once we get a chance to meet him. I did like that he is standing up for his sister though. I can tell that in this family, family is very important to them. Though, I do think it was a bit of a sucky move on Draco and her mother's part to not tell her for two years of the agreement he made with her grandmother.
She has a VERY nice car by the way! It's a bit odd that she isn't using some magical way of transportation, but I'm sure they have their reasons of getting her a Muggle contraption instead of the floo! :)
I really do like the idea of this story so far! Feel free to re-request! :DAuthor's Response: lol hi
that debate has been going in my head since a while lol
i think im going to change it. yup,changing it.
you will lovescorp.
he is awesome. much better than mikaela.
thankyouufor this review.
Em Report Review
I'm here for the requested review.
Firstly, you have tried a plot which is based on arrange marriage and it's like unbreakable bond but you just loose you magic instead of dying.
Your starting was amusing 'open my eyes' mission, that was hilarious. i also liked the adjective line that you used for happy birthday.
I liked how you described the manor and also the party how rudy Gryffindors would crash in. Is Scorpius a Gryffindor because it looked like that?
Your OC is funny and she is easily distracted which help in the humor part.
I should say that it was rather cruel or should I say heartless of Narcissa to try and get a promise from Draco on her death bed but it's clever in a sense that she wanted her family to remain pureblood and maintain the friendship between Kings and Malfoys.
The reaction of Mikeala was good and well expected and I really loved that Draco let his children to have muggle things. It meant he redeemed after the war.
Great chapter and very interesting plot.
P.S. At least her marriage is not with any Potter which I have read in other fics.
-ShellyAuthor's Response: Haha, heeey.
Yes he's a Gryffie. :D
And it gets better later.
Lol Potters are involved. You'll find out soon. But not like other stories.
Thankyou so much.
Em Report Review
Hey, STG Sagmag here with your review :D
Hmm... interesting. Mika would choose magic over love? Well, personally, that wouldn't be my choice, but this gives us an insight to how she really thinks.
"I mean, I'm basically betrothed to Nick. Bloody Merlin, did I just nickname Nicholas?
Interesting, even the word nickname has a “nick” in it."
I laughed out loud at that.
A couple of spelling mistakes. etc. etc. I'm not going to bore you with all that. Just want to know - "Square emeralds adorn a silver metal, sparkling in the light". A silver metal what? Band? Square? Chain of links?
I liked the flashback that Astoria had (so Romeo Juliet), and I was just wondering... is the mysterious Ravenclaw boy of Astoria's past revealed late in the story?
Keep writing, I can't wait to meet Nick :)
xSaraAuthor's Response: Hello there,
She has for now... She's very unpredictable like that.
Also, its a square I think. She gets a bracelet from her mother.
Yes he will come later ;)
Em. Report Review
Hi, it's your requested reviewer again.
So I love the conversation at the start, it shows how well they get on because they can insult each other and it doesn't matter at all because they know each other well enough to realise that they are joking.
'I'll hex her ass later. Well by later I mean within the next thirty seconds' I really like this quote because it is really relateable for example if someone ever tells me that they will help me with something later, I wait about thirty seconds until I ask again claiming that it is later now.
'I don't want to see his face!' I really think that this represents how much she doesn't want this marriage, she can't look at his face because she can't even get around the fact that she has to marry someone let alone that this is the actual person that she has to marry.
I also like the quote, 'I had plans for the future. No of which involved some bloke and a life commitment' first no should be 'none' but apart from that I think the quote really shows how much she doesn't want this. It is likely that she will have to give up most of her dreams and aspirations all because she has Nicholas.
You definitely make people sympathise for Mikaela as a character.
This was another very nice chapter, feel free to re-request at some point if I have a spot free!
Beth :)Author's Response: hii. GUESS WHATTT YOU DO HAVE A SPOT FREE? YAY?
THANKYOU SO MUCH!! your reviews are good for my writing ego. lol.
i will correct these silly grammatical errors soon.
em Report Review
Hey, STG Sagmag here with your review :D
I liked this chapter - especially the variety you provided with the change in POVs. Draco was believable, and as usual Mikaela was snarky and fun.
Something I don't quite get is how you plan on mapping out Mika's personality. In the last chapter, she was a sarcastic rebel, but in this one, she described herself to be "average" and apparently her friends call her a "boring control freak".
I really liked the paragraph where she was describing her physical appearance, because it was just so descriptive and well written. I also love how Scorp is hot. Just saying.
Feel free to re-request for the next chapter :)
P.S. Paradise by Coldplay is one of my favorite songs!Author's Response: Haha heyy,
she is a rebel only when she is angry. you should see her with her friends. :P
Scorp is awesommee and HOT ;)
YES I WILL
Thankyouu Report Review
Hi, Elphaba here with your requested review. For any fanfic, not just a first one, this story starts out very strongly! I love your OC's interior monologues with herself: "Mission 'open my eyes' is now in progress. Damn you blanket, you are too comfortable."
Your description of the dining room where most of this first chapter takes place is strong over all, however I might move the paragraph that begins "Our dining room is enormous," just ahead of this section: "I walk into the dining hall and see my family sitting at our huge, wooden dining table," to make the whole passage flow better.
You do a really good job of setting up that bad news is about to be delivered, and they all feel terrible. You describe both her parents and Scorpius well. There is one spot where I think you could add a few details: "I notice that she has been crying previously, as well." What does she notice specifically, are her eyes puffy, is her nose red, is there some other telltale sign?
The set-up for Mikaela's betrothal to Nicolas is elaborate, but I think it works well. I don't see any holes in the logic and think it is believable that they would a) hide it from her and b) agree to go along with it.
There's one small detail that I would change during Draco's speech: "We can, however, prolong the marriage as long as we please, as long as, you two do intend to marry each other." I would replace "prolong" with "delay" because it seems to better fit the context of what he's saying.
The only other comment I have is just on the formatting. The extra spaces between paragraphs are a little jarring -- not a huge deal but I you do edit the chapter they could be deleted.
I really like the mix of traditional pureblood and modern muggle elements in this story. For instance, they have house-elves and live in a mansion decorated with antiques, but they also get manicures, drive cars and seem to treat their house elves decently.
I think this story is off to a great start, and I'm curious to see how Mikaela will react next, and how she and Nicolas will interact with each other.Author's Response: Hey yess
THANKYOUU. I will fix the spacing.
Em :D Report Review
Hello, it's your requested review again!
'I just wanted this Sodding day to end' I like the quote but there is no need to capitalize the 's' of Sodding. Along the lines of capitalization, near the end where you have written 'I need to give scorp his present,' remember to capitalize his name.
'Is it hug Mikaela day? It bloody hell looks like that' again I like the quote but I think it would sound better as 'it bloody well looked like that'
'Samuel nodded and wished me.' what did he wish her!?
I like how Sam apologises but then I lost all respect for him when he started talking about how he wanted the engagement party to be that weekend. He needs to give her time to get her head around it, for goodness sake she has only just found out, would it be wrong of me to want to kill Samuel right now?
I really like her out burst, she DESERVES to be angry, I can't imagine how I would be feeling right now if I was in her situation but I do know that at some point I would have gone COMPLETELY crazy. I don't think they are allowing for the fact she has just found out nor are they being very understanding about it.
'They are all staring at me as if I performed a forbidden spell on a baby' first I like the description of her reaction but they seriously need to be more realistic. Did they expect her to just go along with it without any complaints. I bet it is because they think it is not her place to disagree because she is a girl and they seem like quite a traditional family. Grr at sexist people.
'Hush now, it's just a set of rocks for and actual rare diamond' this is really cute but it definitely screams out 'insincere because I just want you to marry my son so that he doesn't lose his magical powers but I don't really care about you'
And finally, 'this was the only golden trio I wanted to belong to and I did,' this has to be one of the cutest lines ever!
Feel free to re-request.
Beth :)Author's Response: Heyy
Yes I will correct these mistakes.
He wished her a happy birthday :p
Yes a very traditional sexist pureblood family.
YESSS that's what i wanted people to get. Its a bribe :p
You will love the next chapter :D
Em Report Review
Hi it's your requested reviewer again!
So to start off with, I love how the old man and the old lady gave her hope for her situation (as well as giving her a lift)
I like how she is trying to convince herself that maybe she will like him after all because she doesn't want to let Draco down but you can tell that she doesn't really want too. I especially like how she says 'I'm sure we'll meet shortly. I mean, we're supposed to get married' it really shows what it is like to be in an arranged marriage, she has hardly even met him very many times and they expect her to marry him and have a kid!
I have to say when Dora said 'Dora will always be there miss' it was possibly the most cute and heart-breakingly sweet thing I have ever heard though I may be biased because house elves are my favourite characters ever.
I liked the flashback for Astoria as well as her telling Mikaela that her marriage was also arranged. I don't know whether it will influence Mikaela's decision or not but it was really well written and my heart melted when the Ravenclaw guy said 'Stay happy,' and 'don't forget me.'
One final thing to add, I sort of feel bad for Draco and Astoria because from what it says, it implies there marriage was formed on mutual misery which makes me sad too even if they did end up falling in love with each other. Feel free to re-request!
Beth :)Author's Response: Hi againn
There is so much to Draco and Astoria. They do love each other a lot however the binding laws of marriage worked. For Mikaela it's totally different.
Dora is awesome. You will see more of her soon.
Em Report Review
Hello, Siriusly89 here with your criminally late review. It has taken me thirteen whole days to get round to reviewing this for you, and for that I am so, so sorry.
Oh, I like Mikaela, she seems snarky, but not annoyingly so. She seems just like any typical teenager who woke up on their birthday to find out their family hasn’t remembered. Although I have a feeling they have, there’s just something they’re not telling Mikaela.
Oh! It sounds like Draco made in Unbreakable Vow with someone concerning his kids. It’s bothering me now as to what it is!
They betrothed Mikaela to some ‘King’ person? Who does that? I know they’re purebloods and all that, but it’s the twenty-first century! Come on!
The detail you went into describing the bonds of the whole thin was so well though out! It proves just how much planning you put into this!
I agree with Mikaela, her family is messed up! I can’t wait to see where this goes.
A very good opening chapter, feel free to re-request and sorry about the delay again.Author's Response: Haha heyy
Yes I will.
Thankyou soo much :D
Em Report Review
Hey, STG Sagmag here with you review :D
Ouch. Finding out that you have to marry some random bloke because your dead grandmother wanted you to is pretty much the worst birthday present (bar actually having her die on the day) I'v ever heard.
This chapter was pretty good - sarcastic, funny, all of that. There were a couple of grammatical errors, but not enough to matter. However, I do feel that you didn't give enough background info on your OC. All I really know about her is that she's seventeen, female and is Scorpius Malfoy's twin.
I also think that you overuse italics a bit, and also use them in places where they're not really necessary. For example, this line could just be written in plain text: "... as I continue to walk, I wonder if I'm walking into a surprise. Should I have dressed before coming down? I mean, it is my birthday and I am sort of a birthday freak."
Mika (she has such a cute nickname!) has that totally fun personality that's brash, young and oozing with attitude, which is great. There were kind of American-y touches to this chapter, like where she says she got a BMW for her last birthday. I'm not sure whether she'd be allowed to drive in England (and it also seems a tad muggle for the Malfoys), but the Malfoys HAVE been known for gifting their kids stuff they're too young for, and driving away like that just adds to her rebellious personality.
This was overall a nice, well written chapter. Feel free to re-request for chapter 2 :)
~SaraAuthor's Response: Haha she isnt she is very spoiled. Plus muggle age limits dont matter to them.
malfoys are cool like that lol.
I cant wait for re requesting
Em Report Review
Hi, it's your requested reviewer again!
At the start I sort of hate Draco because he says 'I hope she doesn't decided to become a muggle' as if it will affect the way he is around her and affect who she is however this represents Draco as a character really well.
I like when Draco says ' Damn those sodding muggles and their innovations' because it really shows how the Wizarding population has embraced muggle technology which hopefully means less people are less prejudice towards muggles.
I like how you used Draco's point of view for the start, it gave it a new perspective and showed that he really didn't want to have to do this do his daughter.
I also like how you used the song 'Paradise' to relate to how she feels.
The pep talk to herself was good because it is the type of thing that many people can relate to having done before.
I think the way she says 'Merlin's knickers! I'm starting to sound like a Hufflepuff!' shows how having Draco as a father has influenced her because it's just because of his prejudice, as there isn't any real reason why being a Hufflepuff is bad.
I like this chapter, feel free to re-request!
Beth :)Author's Response: I love draco! My favv.
Also I like how you quote. Makes my day!
Thankyou so much for this adorable review.
Em Report Review
Oh my goodness.
Hi, its you requested review.
First off I love the chapter summary, it's really funny.
'operation open my eyes is now in progress' I really like this because it is basically what I am like every morning!
I really like some of the things that Mikaela says like 'wonderful/happy/ any other adjective you would like to put here' and 'are they sacrifycing me?'
It is instantly engaging by using her humor and the who mystery/suspense of the situation. I like how she seems to have a short attention span, it gives the character depth and makes it so much more fun to write.
It was a very dramatic start to the story but I really love it, I can't believe she might lose her magic!! Though I did like how she wasn't just going to agree to it just because her dad said it was neccessary. She still seemed to want to stand up for herself.
This is a really nice first chapter, feel free to re-request!
Beth :)Author's Response: FAVV REVIEW.
I love this
Em Report Review
This is good. There are still several spelling errors that need to be re-looked at because they do stand out. Otherwise this is good, I like the two perspectives we get in the story, though a better transition could also be used as well. Good work, all the way round.
BBAuthor's Response: thankyou
Albus is better, of course! He's related to The Boy Who Lived!
Mikaela is really moody and upset and I can see why that is, but I still found her reaction to Alex's dating news a bit over the top. I can understand the feeling of seeing your friends throw their life away, but it's a choice and whether you are or aren't okay with it, it's of no importance for the friend. People just want to be happy and I hope to see the day when Mikaela gets to that point.
Your writing is improving with every chapter and I'm very happy to see that. Good job dear! :)Author's Response: thankyouuu
Mikaela is kind of over protective. thats why.
she cares too much sometimes.
Em Report Review
Wow, I actually like this. I really hoping that it isn't Rose Weasley heavy because I can't handle all teh next-gen guys and keep sane. I think this is written really well. Characterization is fair, I like Maelika, but Draco does seem a bit OOC for me. I really do not dislike anything about this. I didn't notice any grammatical errors thats tood out to me, good thing. Great Job, please re-request for chapter 2. BBAuthor's Response: heyyy
a cookie for you liking this ;D
EM Report Review
Sorry it took me so long, but I'm finally here with your requested review!
Mikaela is a very spunky character, her point of view on things is very interesting and she is fun to read.
Your characters are well developed and I especially liked the relationship between Al and Mikaela and Mikaela and her friends. I think it's good that they aren't afraid to call her out on her judging people and running away, it shows a strong friendship.
I also liked the relationship between Dora and Mikaela, it was sweet and well written.
My CC for you would definitely be your grammar, punctuation and spelling. I found quite a few errors in your story and that disrupted the flow of your story quite a lot. Aside from that, the giant paragraphs (for example when Draco is telling Mikaela about the curse or Mikaela is telling us about her closet) get very boring, so maybe you could break them down some more?
Other than that, great story and I'm looking forward to more!Author's Response: heyy
yes they would be the death of me, typos and what not.
im glad you enjoyed it
Em Report Review
AL'S HERE. FINALLY! Looking forward to what more will happen at the engagement. The King bloke seems interesting, with all the single red rose thing as a birthday gift.Author's Response: Yes. It will be.
Em Report Review
Sorry it took me a few days to get to this, but here I am with a review :)
I like how you keep your characters very much the same. They don't suddenly become different people in a next chapter. I know that can sometimes be hard in the beginning of a story but you've been doing great on that end!
I like that Mikaela's friends call her out on her behaviour. She is quite judgemental and a bit mean. It's only fair they tell her and fire back. Who knows it might open up her eyes someday. Even if she means well (she thinks Alex deserves better) it does not do to go through life this way.
I am still very curious to meet Nicolas. I wonder what effect he will have on Mikaela. His gesture was nice, but I completely understand why she reacted to it the way she did.
One small thin g that could perhaps make things easier for the reader; make her internal dialogue different from the rest by italicizing it.
There was less description in this chapter. Which weakened the flow of the chapter a little. I saw Lululuna gave some good examples in that department.
A few typos:
It is the source I is using to relax and it is working with great success.
One paragraph further into the story: and looking at my with a very intense gaze. : My would be me, right?
There were a few more typo's so perhaps it would be a good thing to let someone else look it over again. During writing, it's easy to miss, even when you look over it yourself. A fresh pair of eyes might help.
Also you write mostly in present tense, but a few sentences had past tense.Author's Response: Heyy,
Yes I will correct all the typos. the just seem to ruin the story's effect.
Thankyou soo much :)
I am thinking of doing that with the dialogue.
Thankyou once again
Em Report Review
I like Nicolas far more than Albus, but that might be because WE STILL HAVEN'T MET HIM AND IT'S KILLING ME INSIDE. Is it too much to ask that you introduce the second line in your love triangle?
Mikaela was still annoying, but that makes for interesting reading, BECAUSE I STILL WANT TO MEET NICOLAS.
As you can see, I might be reading this for one reason and one reason only.
You know what I want next chapter!Author's Response: HI,
Can I tell you how much I love this review. Well very much. I have a BIG grin on my face.
Nicolas... is on his way to meet you. ;)
With his deep voice, blue eyes and macho built and damn, he dresses well!
Albus will grow on you. He is a lot like Mikaela and so will Mikaela. Give them time. They are spoiled brats!
Anyway, you should keep on dreaming about Nick where as I will go and bring him here.
THANKSSS FOR THIS REVIEW. *hug*
Here for review tag.
Well the story just keeps getting interesting. I liked how you expressed all the frustration in Mikaela's mind. It was quite realistic. I am still unsure as to what part Albus plays in her life so far, but he seems like a prat to her xP Nicolas' gesture was quite sweet though of course Mikaela's reaction was only acceptable. I definitely think Nicolas is better than Albus, lol.
All in all, this was a fun chapter to read. Apart from a few grammar errors/typos, it was quite okay. Do continue writing.
(AditiDraco95)Author's Response: Lol, it was exam stress and boy stalking me stress in real that got transgressed into writing. You will be in love with both boys, the love for Albus will come later though but it will.
Nicolas will be a badass, I can feel it already.
Em Report Review
Wow, Mika (this is my nickname for her) seems really self-centered. She's just been told on her birthday that she has to marry someone she doesn't know and if she doesn't horrible things will happen and she's focussing on the fact that her birthday has just been ruined when the fact that her life is practically over has just been announced.
This girl needs to sort out her priorities.
Clearly Mika hasn't heard of the term "do not speak ill of the dead." I do admit though, that was a clever thing that Narcissa did, cruel but clever (one of the reasons why she was put into Slytherin I bet).
I never really pictured the Malfoy's as a family that would get their children muggle things. I'd expect that they wouldn't be facist but I'd still expect them to be so form of stuck up even if it was very small.
Anyway, despite the fact that this seems like a negative review I did enjoy reading this and this was a really interesting start to the story.Author's Response: heyy, Mika as you say has birthday issues. she is a bit obsessed with them. yes, very self centered but it will change with time, she is too spoiled.
Draco still does not support it as such as you will seein the next ch but he wants a perfect childhood for hischildren so he gets them what he wants.
Mika is a kid in some ways,she speaks before she thinks and later that will get her in trouble.
i hope you read more of it. thanksss
Em Report Review
Hello! Here for you from the review tag!
I'm not a huge fan of next generation and I don't read a lot of it, but I thought I'd give this story a try for you. You've set up quite an interesting premise for the story already and deftly skirted the arranged marriage issue, so bravo on that. :)
Your original character seems spunky and has a lot of character, and it's clear that you enjoy writing her -- which is always a good thing to be able to tell! I've never read someone quite like her, either, and uniqueness and originality are good things to have to set your character apart.
A thing I would comment on is that you do sometimes tend to overuse commas when they aren't needed. As an example:
The room, itself, is heavily decorated with antiques -- The word "itself" doesn't need to be separated by commas, and there a lot of similar instances throughout your story when you separate a single word with commas when you don't need to. Sometimes it is necessary, and it's a bit tricky to set out rules for when to use them and when not to. Commas are always tricky, and there are about a thousand and one rules on how to use them. Study the books you read and how the authors use commas in their writing there -- reading books is the best way to learn how to write yourself! It's how I did it.
The spaces for this chapter are also rather big, but I used to have that issue as well! Nothing a bit of formatting can't fix, but it's just something to be aware of.
Anyway! I hope this review has been of some help to you. :) And I'll be seeing you around!Author's Response: Heyy, thankyou soo much. I will surely take you up on the advise I have some comma issues to be honest :p
BUT IM SO GLAD THAT YOU LIKE MY CHARACTER cause she's who I am in real. It's kinda fun imagining yourself in such situations to be honest. And as you find her unique, *free cookies for you* :D
Thankyou once again.
Em Report Review
Hi there, back for your next requested review! :)
I was happy to see some more action in this chapter and felt like you did a good job of developing the characters and their relationships. I thought Mikaela and Albus' interactions were funny, and I'm curious to see them talk more and see if they actually ever get along. :P It was a nice gesture of Nicholas' to send her a rose, though I hope we'll get to meet him soon and learn about his character!
Mikaela's interactions with Dora are sweet, and I like how she's a little nicer to her house elf than some wizards would be. I'm also glad that Dom and Alexandra point out Mikaela's judgemental character and how negative she is: it's good to know that she has some good influences around her! :)
It was cute how protective Mikaela was over her friend, though I think she did over-react quite dramatically to hate all the Gryffindors. Is she just overly dramatic, or is this her real personality? It's hard to tell, but I'm interested to see how you'll develop her and balance her out in upcoming chapters as well.
I think you have strong dialogue and convey each character's voice very well. Something I would suggest thinking about is framing the dialogue with descriptions to set the scene and have the characters interact with the setting. This can be done by adding physical traits, movements, and observations to the scenes. Also, there are a few spots that could use a bit of flow and correction of tense. Another thing to think about is that phrases such as "do not" or "you are" can be condensed to "don't" or "you're," which helps with the flow (particularly in dialogue). I've played around with all of these suggestions in this conversation as an example:
" "Hi." That is all I can muster up. I don't want to talk to anyone. I want to be alone. I turn away from him, my hair cascading forward and creating a dark brown wall between us.
"Are you okay?" He asks, and I can hear the note of concern in his voice. I hear him step closer to me, as if he's about to pull me into a brotherly hug.
"No," I say honestly. Before Scorpius starts fussing, I add, "I will be, soon."
The words sound empty even to me. He pats me on the arm, then shrugs, figuring I don't want his sympathy. Scorp looks around at the brightly lit room, tapping his foot a little to the music.
"Why are you leaving so early?" He changes the subject smoothly.
We both know that it's not early.
"I'm exhausted," I tell him, feigning a deep yawn. My brother knows I am lying, but chooses to ignore it. He shifts his weight awkwardly. "
So what I did there quickly was dress up the dialogue a little. It's just a suggestion, but I think writing similarly would help your story flow and let you experiment a bit with language. It will give the readers images of the characters and their position within the setting.
There were also a few awkward sentences, but I'll point a couple out for you. Reading over the story, especially out loud, would let you catch these no problem. :)
1. I am sure deep down, he is the one who is loved more, because you are angry with the ones you have expectations from.
I'm sure, deep down, my father loves Scorpius the best. After all, aren't we angriest with those from whom we expect the most?
2. I can see so many wands that are lighted. I must say it does have a very sensual effect on the guests. The music loud which means another of my senses is of no good. My mouth is pointless too as my two best friends have abandoned me.
Though I must say, the many lit wands in the room do create a very sensual effect on the faces of the party guests. The unbearably loud music eliminates another one of my senses. I have no reason to use my mouth, as my two best friends have abandoned me and there's nobody else I'd like to speak with.
PM me on the forums if this doesn't make sense and you want any advice or clarification. Good luck with the next chapter!! :)Author's Response: Hi there, FIRSTLY WOW? THE LENGTH OF THIS REVIEW?! I AM DANCING ALREADY. Im honestly so glad that you like the albus/mikaela encounter. i was worried about it. the plot will get better, you just have to trust me with that. my expression sucks but im working on it. i love your dialogue idea, you will be seeing a lot of that in my next chapter. honestly, thankyou soo much for putting an effort in my lame story. and the thing with my sentences, i dont want them to sound wrong it just happens. i mostly do read them out loud but hey slips happen. its like that but i really am working on its improvement. it will take time i guess but inthe mean time i want you to keep coming back and keep correcting them. thankyou soo much. i will be using that pm very soon.
thankyou once again.
Em Report Review
Hello, I'm back for your next review!
I love the relationship Mikaela has with her friends-they seem very playful and comfortable around each other, which is sometimes tricky to write. I especially liked the wizard-related humour:
"Oh that does it. I'm going to murder her, feed her leftovers to the giant squid, and throw rocks at her empty casket. I will definitely not miss her! Hey, if I'm in Azkaban, I won't have to be engaged."
Mikaela does seem like a pretty negative person, doesn't she? I'm hoping that in later chapters she will start to come around and be a bit more likeable. Also, I wonder if there's going to be something between her and Albus in the future, despite the fact that they currently hate each other?
I still think your writing style is improving with each chapter, and the sentences are flowing better. :) Though I feel the chapters have good pacing, I feel it wouldn't hurt to help the plot progress a little faster and move on to days other than Mikaela's birthday. Hopefully, we'll get to meet Nicholas as well in the near future!
Overall, keep up the good work, and feel free to re-request for future chapters. :)Author's Response: heyyy.
thankyouu. i surely will. yay.
you are awesome, enough said.
Em Report Review
Hi, back for your next review :) Again, I think this story is progressing at a logical rate and it's good to get to know Mikaela and her situation a little better.
I think you've done an interesting job of continuing the Malfoy legacy: how they are very concerned with their own status and with how they appear to the outside world. It's saddening but also very true to character, and I wasn't surprised that Mikaela is going along with the situation to preserve the family name.
One piece of advice I have is to make the sentence structure less stunted in certain places. For example: "The study seemed lighted. Its interior was wooden. Everyone stood up when my Mother and I entered. Adele and Samuel were sitting on the sofa which was opposite to the large bulky study table, Father was already standing. It looks like they have been here for quite a while. The room was too cold for my taste. It’s July but even then I felt oddly cold. I never feel algid." This could be read more fluidly if you edited it a little;
"The study's rich wooden enterior was well lit. It's occupants rose as my Mother and I entered the room. The Kings, Adele and Samuel, were sitting on the sofa, facing the bulky study table beside which Father was already standing. It looked like they had been waiting for quite a while. Oddly, the room was too cold for my taste, despite it being July. Usually, I never feel algid."
So what I did there was condense and expand on certain sentences to help with the flow of the writing. While your style of short sentences works well for some sections, such as Mikaela's direct thoughts and reactions, when describing a scene it could be more effective to have longer sentences. :)
There are a few cases where you throw in an extremely long paragraph, which disrupts the flow a little and is less reader-friendly (i.e. the long description of her closet). If you break up that paragraph and condense some of the ideas, I think it would be a bit easier to read.
Overall, I still think your writing is improving. I'll get to your next review soon. :)Author's Response: heyy, this is the problem im facing. but surely will do what you said. thankyouuu, you are awesomee.
Em Report Review
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