Reading Reviews for The Day Lily Saw James
  
7 Reviews Found

Review #1, by CambAngst The Head Boy

13th April 2013:
Tagging you from the Review the Person Above You thread in the common room!

This was a really neat "coming of age" story. I've read a lot of different versions of how Lily and James managed to overcome their confrontational past and fall in love. Nearly all of them involve James finally deciding that it was time to grow up and put the childish frivolities of his past behind him. This was an interesting take on the moment that took place.

I liked the nerves that James was feeling. This is a big moment for him, and not just because it involves Lily. For a lot of rich, popular kids like James, the refusal to take anything seriously is as much a defense mechanism as anything else. They're frightened of the possibility that the could fail miserably if they ever actually tried to straighten up and apply themselves. Making things even worse, there's a war brewing and, as his parents have correctly surmised, James and his schoolmates are going to play a major part in determining the outcome. It's a really heavy time, and you did a good job of incorporating it all into James's mindset.

Even though we don't get to find out what's going on inside Lily's head, her reactions seemed spot-on to me. I chuckled a bit at the notion that she thought James had stolen the Head Boy badge from somebody else. And once he gets her over that hump, her first thoughts were for Remus, which I thought was really sweet of her. I'm not really sure whether Lily would have known about Remus's disease or not at this point, but it doesn't matter so much. Everything you wrote about her, especially the way that she was looking at James at the end, felt like Lily Evans.

As I was reading, I saw a few things that you might want to take a second look at:

With a shaky hand, he lifted his sleeve and checked the watch that hugged his sleeve and the little hands told him there were still thirty-five minutes until eleven. -- Did you mean to say, "hugged his wrist"?

Even though Mrs. Potter had insisted, Sirius could wait until his graduation to move out; her protests were ignored, a situation that proved, in the long run, as in right now, for the better. -- This sentence is, um, challenging. ;) I don't think you need the first comma. The semicolon should probably be a comma, and maybe the last part would sound better as: "her protests were ignored. In the long run -- and especially right now -- it had worked out for the better."

Of course, he said to himself, of course it would be here. - would be her.

“Lily, I did not steal the badge. It is mine, it came in my mail and I am the Head Boy!” - To me, this sounded much too rigid and formal for something James would say. I would contract "It is" to "It's" and "I am" to "I'm".

Overall, this was really clever. A neat little peek into one of those missing moments that had huge repercussions for the future. Nice job!

Author's Response: When I got the prompt for the challenge I kept thinking about what could happen at that moment. And I decided that at 17 one would have the maturity to understand that if one must work with somebody for school, one does it!

Lily's reaction was something I just pictured her saying at that moment. It's the disbelief that makes you search for the logical explanation at that moment. I think it was said somewhere in the books or on Pottermore or somewhere that Lily and Remus were friends and she was one of those who knew about his condition even before she and James got together. I am happy you liked my Lily!

As for the typos and such, thank you so much for pointing them out! As for the last sentence, which you said sounded rigid, it was made that way on purpose. I saw James explaining to her like you would explain to a child.

Thank you so much for the review!


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Review #2, by Elphaba and Boyfriends The Head Boy

15th March 2013:
Hi, I'm here for the review battle!

I really liked this glimpse into James's head. I've read several imaginings of how Lily and James get together, but nothing quite like this. Most of the time James gradually wears Lily down with his devoted antics, so it was refreshing to see him make a conscious effort to act more maturely and back off. I think her reaction at the end (to view him as a man instead of a child) is very believable.

Aside from a few extra commas here and there, I think your writing is very clean. Here's an example of what I mean: "Even though Mrs. Potter had insisted, Sirius could wait until his graduation to move out; her protests were ignored, a situation that proved, in the long run, as in right now, for the better." I might remove the commas after "insisted" and "proved" and even the semi-colon after "out." I might replace the comma after "ignored" with a semi-colon.

I like your writing style overall, and think you've done a great job of getting into the characters heads and making the interaction between them come alive. :)

Author's Response: Hello! :) Thank you so much for the review!

I always see these stories about Lily flipping out and almost making James resign his position so I wanted to do something clean and simple. I don't think her reaction would've been blown out of proportions since it wasn't something James did just to spite her!

I know about the commas, that's one of my biggest issues, since English is my second language and in my native one, we have very different punctuation rules! Thank you for pointing those out!


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Review #3, by alicia and anne The Head Boy

15th March 2013:
I really liked how nervous James was at the beginning and how he was glad that Sirius wasn't around to witness it.
I liked that you had Lily slightly annoyed at the fact that James would be head boy but calm down quick enough after she had accepted it. I like the added touch of her asking how Remus felt about it all.
I especially loved the last few lines about how Lily was finally seeing James becoming a man, that was such a nice touch to the story.
Overall I really liked this one shot, I really enjoyed the descriptions at the beginning, I just wished that it had been a bit longer, other then that a very great job :D

Author's Response: Thank you so much for the lovely comments! :)

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Review #4, by patronus_charm The Head Boy

4th February 2013:
I'm spreading the love for the valentines day review-a-thon, and what's not a better story to review for it than a Jilly one!

Aw poor James so nervous about going to the prefect's meeting, and I can imagine why he wouldn't want Sirius around, as he would just wouldn't stop annoying James for becoming head boy!

I loved how you portrayed Lily, it was so funny to see her anger at James when she thought that he had stolen the badge. It was nice to see that Lily cared about Remus's feelings to about not getting the badge. And the her relisation that James had grown up and become a 'man', as I always thought that him becoming head boy, must have been a big swinging factor in her starting to like him!

A great one-shot, and I felt it portrayed their relationship very realistically! Well done, Kiana :)

Author's Response: Your review just put a big smile on my face! I know this is very short but I like it because it's a moment of something, it stands alone and you don't need OCs or backstories. They're a boy and a girl in a train compartment!

Thank you for choosing my story to review!


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Review #5, by FredWeasleyIsMyKing The Head Boy

31st January 2013:
Hello :) Laurenzo7321 here from the forums.

Okay, so I saw Lily and James and had to read this story. I can't help it, I can't pass up the chance to read some Lily and James goodness!

This was really cute! I loved how nervous James was to start with, and that he was glad Sirius wasn't around. I liked his reasons for his change in attitude too, it shows he really does mean it.

Lily was so funny when he was trying to convince her that he was head boy. Believing anything but James being selected for Head Boy. It was really cute to read.

But then James came through with his mature-ness and showed her the beginning of the man she could love. Again, it was really lovely to read!

This is a really great little one shot, the only thing I would say is that I would have loved to have read some more!

Lauren :)

Author's Response: I felt the same when reading your Jily Qudditch Story!

The thing with these two is that so much has been written about them, that it's easy to fall into a cliche, so I wanted it to be simple, no crazy!Lily and stalker!James, just two (almost) mature people discussing things over!

Thank you for the comment!


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Review #6, by fauxthefox The Head Boy

20th January 2013:
Hello :) This is a good start, but I think it's a bit short to really get a good idea of Lily's and James's personalities. I would have loved a bit more detail, description, and characterization! This is a scene that's done a lot in hpff, so it'd be nice if you could add some twists and turns of your own, too. I like your dialogue a lot, and the premise of the story :)

Author's Response: Hello! I know this scene is done a lot in HPFF and when I got it for the challenge, I wanted to do something really simple and clean for it. I don't see Lily as somebody who would hold it against James that Dumbledore picked him to be Head Boy, but I do think that the changes we know took place in the 7th year were little things, so small that they might've even not noticed them at first!

Thank you for the review! :)


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Review #7, by Eden The Head Boy

11th January 2013:
Excellent use of grammar and vocabulary.

Author's Response: Thank you! :)

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