Hello! Iím here with you requested review!
I can I just say this was a very interesting perspective to read. As Iíve read tons of Marauders stories, Iím used to seeing the repercussions of what Sirius did from someone elseís perspective, and strangely enough Iíve never read it from Remusís perspective, so it was a nice change.
A note on Remusís perspective I felt it was well done, but I know this may sound strange, but Remus appeared to have very feminine thoughts. I think it was the amount of description you used in his thoughts, as I would have imagined boys not to notice as much. So though I loved the description, perhaps tone it down a bit, to make it more masculine.
I found a couple of sentences a little strange to read. Here are a few that I found Ė Ďplain, black work robesí, I felt as if work was unnecessary, and it would sound better without it. Also Ďhis chance at normalcyí, I just thought instead of normalcy, a normal life, may just make the story flow better:)
I liked that you made Remus show some level of dislike due to what Sirius did, as usually they are just good friends afterwards but I liked that you didnít do that, as if youíre best friend nearly killed someone I doubt you would still be friends!
I thought that apart from the few awkward sentences, it flowed well, and it was a clear and easy read, and there were not really any parts you couldnít understand.
I rather liked the ending, as it was almost as if it signified a change in Remus and Siriusís friendship, and I wouldnít do anything to change it. As for continuing it, it would be interesting to know what effect this had on their friendship, as like I just said, it seemed as if their friendship would be different as a result of this.
I thought this was a very interesting one-shot, and it provided a new and different perspective, to quite a popular topic, so good job! Kiana :)Author's Response: Thanks, Kiana!
That's interesting about the femininity v. the masculinity of his thoughts. I'd never even considered that! I'll definitely give his thought-process another look. Also, I like your recommendations for deleting "work" and changing "normalcy" to "normal life". And thanks for your thoughts on the ending. That's how I looked at it, too, as marking a very significant changing point.
Personally, I agree with you and think that this event was far more significant (and detrimental) than people realize. Remus and Sirius were always so close, but when it came down to someone possibly betraying James, each was suspicious of the other, and there had to have been a reason for that - a reason that Remus would consider Sirius the least trustworthy of the group, and why Sirius would think Remus capable of turning his back on his friends. Also, Remus' fear of hurting others was very, very clear to me from the books, and given that, what Sirius did could not possibly have been easily overlooked. It was more than just a dangerous prank - it was a betrayal, it was a complete violation of Remus' boundaries, showed complete disregard for his feelings and the consequences and guilt that -Remus- would suffer. Anyway, I'll stop there before I go on rambling for ages, because trust me, I could. :P
Again, thanks so much for your review. I really really appreciate it!
cypress Report Review
Definitely get the feel that your roots in writing come from RP in reading this, but that's certainly not a bad thing! You've captured Remus' emotions and thoughts quite well and it gives the reader a fulfilled sense of his character. You've painted him as sensitive, which I think was spot-on and remains true to the grown-up Lupin we see later in reading the HP books - which, as an occasional writer/reader of fanfic, I always personally look for. I want to FEEL the characters that I've already grown to love that much more and, through your story, my love and inclination towards Lupin has only grown. He's still Remus Lupin, but you've added to him with your own personal twist on his feelings, I guess you could say.
That aside, the ending leaves something more to be wished for. Again, not necessarily a bad thing, depending on whether or not you're looking to extend this into a longer story rather than a one-shot response to a challenge. You've concentrated solely on Remus, with a small mention of Sirius that, again, isn't necessarily a bad thing, but leaves me wishing and wondering for a bit more in terms of others' emotions in the matter.
Overall, beautifully written with a really nice scattering of particularly effective descriptive words (I really liked your use of "staccato", among others) that weren't overused or, in fact, TOO much. Your style is something to be admired and I really hope to read more sometime!Author's Response: Thank you, Maxine!
I am so glad that you approve of the characterisation. Lupin always struck me as a very sensitive soul, very much in pain and sort of introverted. I hear you about the ending, too. :/ I think it left things really unresolved, which is frustrating, I'm sure. I think the moment in time that I chose wasn't exactly the appropriate one to show too much of Sirius, though. I could really see this expanding into a story of near misses and pointed glares during which Sirius tries to mend his friendship with Remus, but it was too soon for that. It was too soon for 'I'm sorry' or 'Remus, just listen! Please!' or whatever he might say, which is why I chose it for this particular challenge. I tried to pick a point in time when no words were spoken because really, none should have been. So, I guess what I'm saying is, thank you, again. And I'll definitely be thinking long and hard about expanding this one-shot into something a smidgen longer. Report Review
Cypress! What a lovely first fic! I hope there's many more. :)
As usual, you do a very good job focusing in on a character's thoughts and emotions. I think Remus' train of thought was right on the money, and I can't help but feel that this particular story is really letting you use your RP skills well.
I have some mixed feelings about the ending. I know it was for a challenge, and in keeping with the terms of the challenge, I think you did a very good job. Even so, I can't help but feel that there's something MORE wanting. As if, you build up this beautiful scene where Sirius walks into the room...only to drop to the end very quickly. As a reader, it's not very satisfying, though I can see how for the sake of the story, it makes a lot of sense (as not everything can be dramatized, can it?). So, like I said, mixed feelings.
You're off to a great start! I'll look forward to reading more of your stories (and maybe even seeing you branch away from RP-like fics)!Author's Response: Serene, my dear! What a lovely first review. ^_^ Thank you for it! As far as the ending, I can see what you mean. I'll need to really think about that and how I'd want it to go. I almost feel like this could be a much longer story, and have considered expanding it (though of course I was sort of limited by a deadline). And as far as RP-like fics, we never do forget our roots, do we? :P I agree. I'm pretty pleased with it for a first piece, but I'm hoping to move towards developing other aspects of my writing. We'll just have to see how it goes. ;) Thanks again for your review, and for all your wonderful encouragement.
x cypress Report Review
Terms of Service
categories & genres
short story collection