HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! So I was searching through the people who have yet to leave reviews, but then decided for such a special birthday i wanted to leave it myself ♥
I hope today is all about you and that you get to have some serious fun, and get lovely presents and cake!!! hehe!!
This was such a sweet one shot. I like that you used just a small thing that most people don't think about, getting one another Christmas gifts, and gave it its very own one shot. Christmas is already such a romantic time that I just felt myself get all fuzzy and feelsy.
The fun banter at the start with Sirius teasing Lily and James, then between Moony and Sirius, was so awesome. I loved that Remus was looking up the laws regarding Sirius's flying motorbike. It seems so Remus-sh, and then even better that Sirius hadn't even asked him to look it up. Haha! They're the best, this group is.
Sirius's impatient nature was so fun to watch coming through in this. His constant need to be doing something, whether it's teasing his friends or passing the ball back and forth. And then I was really happy when you added Peter in as Lily and James were going upstairs!
The gifts were so sweet. I think it's so hard to think of presents, and I love how personable you made both gifts. The nervousness that Lily felt upon giving James his was so precious. I just wanted to hug her.
This was such a delightful little one shot, Adele ♥!!! It's smooth and sweet, although it did make me want Christmas time to come back!
Happy birthday, lovely ♥ Report Review
Yes I am back from the grave (again)!
Adele, this is amazing! Like flailing on the floor amazing. Never stop writing Jily okay?! just don't do it!
Now I'm going to go and wallow in the realisation that I'll never have a James. haha
-Jasmine, xx Report Review
I think this is a really sweet story. You develop your characters well and the supporting characters fit in the story too. I especially like the dialogue between Remus and Sirius, it seems to fit their relationship and their personalities. I like the gifts that you chose for them to give each other, they don't seem cliched but they seem appropriate. The only thing I would say is that you could have made it more obvious that it was Christmas with the setting - I didn't realise they were exchanging Christmas presents until the end of the story. But I really like this story, well done!Author's Response: Yeah, I need to go back and edit in more Christmassy stuff. :/ I wrote it for a Christmas exchange so it was sort of obvious then, but now it needs editing. Thanks for pointing that out. I totally forgot that I hadn't made it all that apparent.
Thanks for taking the time to read and review, and I'm really, really happy that you enjoyed it. Thanks again. ^_^
- Adele. Report Review
Hi there! cypress here with your requested review.
First of all, I love, love, love, love, love your story. The plot is so simple but poignant. It's really the little moments like this that matter in life, and this is one that's sure to have mattered to James and Lily. Remus and Sirius made me laugh, especially where Remus glared at Sirius, and where Sirius pouted over his lost toy.
I think you did a very good job with your characters. Your supporting characters were well-portrayed. I like the glimpses you gave us of Lily and James and how they act around one another and how tender they become when no one is around. It was just simple and beautiful and very realistic. I loved the way Lily rambled on nervously until James kissed her. I loved your ending.
That said, I think that you could do even a bit more with James and Lily as characters. I would have liked to be introduced to them as if I didn't know them. Maybe tell me about the redhead poking her head over the couch. I'd have liked to get some more insight into how hey felt as well, but I'd like to be shown rather than told. Where James looks nervous in his dorm, I'd like to know why? What's his face doing? Is he hesitating? Biting his lip? Rubbing his arm? What does James look like when he's nervous? Where his demeanor changes rapidly - how does his demeanor change? Do his eyes widen? Does his jaw drop open slightly? What does he do when Lily reveals she has something for him? When James kisses her to shut her up, how does Lily react? I would have liked to see that, too.
For the record, I think you show your characters really well throughout the story. How Lily bites her lip, how James asks in awe. I could go on. All I'm saying is, keep that up! Show me more. :) Your descriptions are great, so in the few areas where you don't give as clear of an image, just do what you already do really well!
The only other thing I think you can improve is you setting, I'd have liked to get a sense that it's Christmas time at the beginning of your story. I was wondering all the way until Lily mentioned Christmas why exactly they were exchanging gifts in the first place. :P And then when I knew it was Christmas I realized my whole concept of what the common room looked like was wrong. There would have been decorations. There wouldn't have been students around everywhere. It would have been peaceful because students were home for the holidays. Stuff like that would have helped set a warm, cozy feeling from the beginning.
As far as technical changes, there are just two things I noticed that I figured I'd point out in case you want to change them. (Bear in mind these are all just suggestions!) That part about Remus lowering his book and narrowing his eyes at Sirius, I think you could tighten that sentence up. I don't know how necessary it is to describe him realizing he was being used, but maybe that's because I almost see him glaring because Sirius isn't doing the research, -too-. It almost seems like that's what you were trying to get at, but at the same time it sounds almost like Remus was tricked? Anyway, tightening up and clarifying that sentence would be good. :) And in the beginning, where you write, "'Do I have to?' James pretended to pout from his place on the couch, looking up at the redhead that was hanging over the back of the chair." I'd split that up so that the sentences are chronological and to get rid of the passive verb in the final clause. "James looked up at the redhead hanging over the back of the chair. 'Do I have to?' he pretended to pout from his place on the couch."
Anyway, overall, lovely story. I love the fluff and it really made me "Aww!" at the end. A great feel-good piece. Well done!Author's Response: Ah, thank you! This is really really helpful. I went back and had a look at those two areas you pointed out, and while I ultimately left the part about Remus as is (I couldn't get the words right. I'll try fiddling again later) I did change that part about James and am much happier with it now, so thank you again for pointing those bits out. :)
It was written in a rush, but I see what you mean about the characters and all that as well. Evidently, I'll need to spend some time going over this and tightening it up, both in setting, description and characterisation, but that's all good.
Thank you for taking the time to read and review, and I'm glad you liked it over all. I'll definitely go back over the story with your comments in mind. The feedback you've given me has been wonderful.
Thank you again. It's greatly appreciated.
- Adele. :) Report Review
I'm here again!
Like said before, you write such lovely stories, Adele! I'm a sucker for fluffy stories, especially James/Lily ones, so while I was reading this I ended up squealing and rolling around my bed. I'm so weird. D:
I thought Remus helping Sirius about the laws of using a flying motorcycle was a nice touch to the story. I find it amusing that even though Remus doesn't approve of the idea, he still helps Sirius.
Lily and James are such a sweet couple, especially when they are written in fluff. I thought it was so cute of Lily being nervous like that when she gave James his gift. To be honest, I thought the gift would be a pair of quiddditch gloves or something quidditch related, but I was wrong. Your ideas were better.
Between this and the other one-shot, 'And They Fall Down,' I think it's safe to say that my day has been made! Keep on writing James/Lily stories, I love them all!
PS: I hope the review seemed a little bit more composed this time. I tried. I really did. D:Author's Response: Oh, Izzy. I love you so much. Your reviews never fail to make my day. ^_^
Oh my God, no. I do that all the time. I thought I was the only one! We can make a club. We'll get awesome jackets.
Haha, thanks. I was actually looking up books to give James when I came across it, and I was like, 'Hey! That's going in the story, too!' and it did, so there you go. :P
I love Lily and James so much, it's crazy. Ahhh, I'm go glad that you liked 'And They All Fall Down'. It's very different from this one, as you can tell, but I like it despite that. I'm go pleased that you liked them both. I'll respond to your other review as soon as I get a chance.
Thank you so much for taking your time to read and review, Izzy. It's really appreciated. You actually have no idea. ^_^
- Adele :) Report Review
Santa has been bit busy helping other Santas, but since I quite like your one-shots, here's one more review before I close my shop for a year and steer my reindeers back to the North Pole. :)
It was very fluffy and cute one-shot. I love how naturally you represent the Marauders. Sirius tricking Remus to help him fix the motorcycle and Remus grumbling when he realized that. Teenage Remus is so adorable and bit nerdy. Aww. It's really a shame that even he and Tonks didn't survive the war. Sirius's exuberance brimming over when Peter brings food was really cute too. It's a good thing Hogwarts has so well-stocked kitchens. Teenage boys and their tummies. :)
I liked how peaceful surroundings you created for this one-shot. And the changing the gifts scene was incredibly cute. It would be very like Lily to find a rare spellbook for him. It also showed how much she respects the fact that he's very good with transfiguration, if she's sure that he has a chance to win the award for it. I want the charm like that too! And a moon and a paw print, and even a little rat now that we're in it.
It was very lovely Christmas story. I'm very happy to be a first reviewer. Thank you for being a gracious Santee. I wish you the very best New Year and now, Dasher, Comet and Blixem! Let's fly back to the North!
Your Secret Santa :)Author's Response: Oh my God, you're my favourite. God, I wish I could visit the North Pole. Granted, it'd be freezing, but awesome none-the-less.
I wrote it for the Jily Secret Santa Exchange on Tumblr, where I was given a fluffy and already dating as prompts. I had the worst time writing it, but I liked how it turned out in the end. Fluff is hard. D:
I wish Remus and Tonks had survived. I really do. Teddy is such an adorable character, and deserved to have his parents around. Plus, they would have been awesome parents.
Trying to find a gift for James is a pain. I didn't want to get him anything broomstick related, because that always seems a bit cliche to me, but at the same time, I had to try and find something that Lily would be happy to purchase. I figured a rare spellbook would work well. The charm was completely by accident; I was just typing away when suddenly, BAM! He'd given her a charm, but I liked it so much it stuck around, haha.
I'm really glad you liked this, and I'm thrilled that it got a review, let along such a lovely one from such a lovely person. Thank you for being such a gracious Santa! Happy New Year to you, too. Don't get lost in a blizzard!
- A ^_^
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