Char here with your review from the Forums! The way I end up doing reviews is I start to comment as I go along but then just read to the end, giving you a summary once I'm done. Just to give you some warning.
First impression: Love your "attempt" at a banner, because girl, that's no attempt! That's an awesome banner!
The summary didn't quite make sense. Maybe it was the grammatical "'Cause?" Not sure. Mainly that sentence ('Cause somebody grew up, somebody was not going to be another Peter Pan stuck on his goner Wendy) doesn't quite fit in my mind. Maybe it's because "somebody" is someone that I haven't been introduced to yet? I know it's pretty sucky that I picked on this first, but it's what is supposed to draw the reader in, so I do want to make sure you have a summary that does that.
I DO love the whole Peter Pan metaphor though! And I'm intrigued as to who this story is about as it's all "OC" and "Other Pairing" on the story info!
I do love a story about friends becoming loves.
Who was going to think of parents, and scolding and eventual separation?
Oooh. Some foreshadowing there. Nice.
I sometimes feel that different direction was closer to you.
You switch from past tense to present tense here.
I didn't know if I was nostalgic about old times and your old stupid face,
Weak points about this one-shot is the tendency of run-on sentences and the changes in tense (as above). I'm totally guilty of run-on sentences so I'm not even going to go into trying to specifically point them out. Some of the thoughts could also be stated more succinctly but hey, if it floats your boat, I'm game. Just had to say that.
Now that I've done my job on the cc'ing, I can now squee!
I loved the rhythm of the story. As I was reading, I was like, "I feel like I'm reading a song, but not." And now I know why *reads Author's Note.* You make me want to listen to that song.
OK, GREAT song. No wonder you felt the need to write a story after listening to it. Honestly, even though I was all like "meep-meep-meep" about the run-on sentences and such, the overall style was interesting.
I was looking for a line that I could quote as a favorite or that stood out and was having a hard time because it isn't just a line that gets me, it's, like I said earlier, the rhythm. But eventually I did find a line:
Your last days were like the sand in a time glass, slipping through the gaps in my hands. I couldn't catch it, I couldn't hold onto it.
Wonderful image there.
I would suggest a beta, just to clean up some on the grammar and a few spelling errors here and there.
Otherwise, it was a beautifully told story with the emotion running all over it and pulling me in. His guilt, his regret yet also his love and nostalgia. Love it all.
(And no, no idea who this guy is, which I think is great. Keeps the mystery there.)
xChar Report Review
Hi there, it's THG here from the forums with your requested review.
First of all I thought I might begin by mentioning that I absolutely adore those extreme stories that either have lots or no dialogue; they really test the talent of writers such as yourself and they're so inspiring and thought-provoking because of their ability to force the reader to extend their imaginations. This was really no exception. I thought you did a very good job with the ambiguity of it all and I really liked the powerful themes that you have running throughout this.
If I had to be critical I'd say that you were perhaps too ambiguous at some points; maybe a bit too poetic or lost in your own writing. I often find that stories such as these ones are better left short and sweet; like Hemingway's work for example. Never the less this was still a terrific piece.
Now I know that the summary said other canon/OC so I'm sort of stumped about who this could be about. I figured because you mentioned red hair this could be something to do with the Weasleys. I'm probably way off but it was nice that I was able to guess.
Your writing style is very beautiful and I love that you have clearly taken the time and effort to craft this.
This was a great little read and I'm glad that you recommended it!
THG Report Review
Hi! Thank you for linking me to your story. Right off the bat, I've got to say that I don't completely understand everything that's going on in this. I like stories with this type of format - simple but somewhat stylistic, using repetition - but they can be tricky to navigate if the concept is too vague and open to interpretation. I've seen a lot of stylistic stories fall into a trap where they are too vague about what is going on with the hopes that readers will guess and can hopefully come up with their own poetic and convoluted interpretation when really, it all is what it is on the surface. When you write a story, no matter what style it is, focus on the story itself and don't let the writing become defined by poetic lines spaced intermittently.
Since I don't know who the characters were or very much about them except for blurry glimpses and emotions that ping-pong from cold loathing to love that's written in the stars, I really cannot come away with very much to talk about. :/ Do they love each other or hate each other? You might want to clear that up. Ambiguity at a certain point just becomes confusing instead of artistic. I do know that the female character died in the war and that she had brown hair and liked books; I know that he said she was fake and he hated the idea of spending the rest of his life with her while in other parts of the story he mourned having her taken away because they were supposed to have grown old together. It's difficult to reconcile these polarized feelings to make sense of who the characters are.
I've just read your author's note and I'm a bit surprised to see that she died in the first world war. You mentioned "I think the three wars happened", so I assumed this was farther into the future.
I hope you don't take this constructive criticism too harshly; I did like this piece. I think it has a lot of potential to be even better. Take the disconnected parts that are artistic and sound kind of lyrical (the repetitive 'we were just kids', for example, is aesthetically pleasing but makes it sound sort of like a song instead of a story due to the amount of times it appears) and give them meaning below the surface, as well, and the story would flow much better and tell a more defined story.
I love that you used the song 'Kids' for inspiration. I'm a huge MGMT fan. :) Report Review
Hey there! Here to review swap :)
I loved this to bits. Your writing style is absolutely brilliant, and it suited the mood of this one-shot perfectly. It's very hard to write a story without dialogue - I know, I've tried - and it's even harder to write said story with faceless characters (faceless? does that make sense? oh well, nameless I guess XD) but you did a wonderful job with it. I didn't feel like I needed to know who this story was about; in fact, I didn't actually want to know. I feel as if revealing their identities would have taken away from the impact of the story. One of the most wonderful and memorable things about it was that it makes the reader think after they're done, and that's something that an author should always strive to do, so kudos!
My first suspicion was that the couple was James and Lily, but then Snape and Lily became my best guess. But really I feel like it doesn't matter who they are; the meaning and the impact that the story leaves still come across clear as day, which, again, was one of the many things that made this story such a delight to read.
And the woman in this story (who I can't help but think of as Lily, but I'm just going to stay general for now) was characterized so wonderfully. She was almost like a phantom to me, like she was almost real, but never really was. I don't know if that makes any sense or not, but what I'm trying to say was that how you described her made her almost tangible, like she existed in my real life. When you described her lying on the bed, reading The Adventures of Merlin I almost felt like I could walk up to my own bedroom and see her there, real as day. Does that make sense? I hope so XD basically what I'm trying to say is that you described her in such a way that you brought her to life, and I applaud you for that.
Two kids who just fell in a simple attraction of wants and needs called love.
I adore that line. Such a powerful statement in such few words. It's really quite poetic, and gave me chills when I read it. Many other lines in your story did the same - you have a lovely way with words that makes it very easy to read your writing. I don't have any CC for you, and I'd apologize for that but I really don't want to because I loved this that much. Such wonderful work, and I'm definitely going to be reading some of your other pieces - I'd love to see what else you can come up with.
Again, really well done. So glad I got the opportunity to read this!
xx Molly Report Review
I saw your banner and it was great, so I decided to come and read this story!
I really loved this one-shot, as I think it takes great skill to make a story likeable with no dialogue, so well done for that! I also loved how you kept me guessing through out the story, as to who the narrator is, and I still can't figure it out, so that's going to annoy me, unless you want to tell me.;)
And I have to say great song choice, as I love MGMT and that song! Kiana :) Report Review
I have to admit that when you said 'ginger hair' I thought it could possibly a Snape/Lily but then again it might not be them. I'm not exactly a fan of Snape/Lily so I think I won't guess or try to put any names on the man and the woman. I'll just leave them unknown for now. (:
I thought you did a great job describing the man's pain, heartbreak and just overall misery. To me, it sounded like he was a bit regretful too or is that just me? I'm really interested on why their relationship fell apart and who he's blaming because I felt like he just didn't know who to blame. Did that even make sense? Probably not.
The repetition of 'we were just kids' was a really nice addition to the man's story. I felt like he was almost blaming the fact that they were just kids for their broken relationship.
Also, I love how you start of with their childhood and slowly develop their story and characters from there. I really liked the pace you had during the story, it wasn't too slow or too fast.
A really lovely, intriguing and interesting one-shot! I really liked it! ♥ Lovely job!
88th review out of 100 Report Review
Hello, I'm here with your requested review.
Wow. This one-shot truly is beautiful. I think my heart broke a little as I was reading this.
I have to admit that I changed my opinion several times as to who the characters were in this story. My first thought was that it was James and Lily, my second was that it was Snape and Lily. Then I decided that it probably is an OC couple. Although I do think that the female character is quite similar to Lily.
You mentioned in your areas of concern, about the characterisation of the narrator. I honestly thought that your narrator was extremely well characterised. To me, he felt very realistic and I felt his pain, his emotions, his nostalgia all very vividly which made me sympathise with him even more.
I really don't have any CC for this one-shot. You two characters were realistically portrayed - especially the girl I think, it was almost as if I knew her. I thought that this story was perfect, there was just enough about the characters to satisfy me and to keep me wanting more. I really liked the way that you kept the names and identities of the characters hidden, it added more to the intrigue of this one-shot.
I hope I helped and feel free to re-request.
Charlie Report Review
Hello! Here for your requested review!
This was truly a beautiful one-shot and my heart broke while reading it. I was craving for some hardcore angst and this was exactly what I needed xD I really enjoyed reading this (not sure if 'enjoyed' is the right word though) and I think you did an amazing job writing this =)
To address your concerns, I really think your narrator's characterisation was very well crafted. I am so intrigued by who he could be. Severus is the first thought that comes to my mind, since he grew up with Lily as kids, and then he wanted her, but lost her, and ultimately she died and he wasn't able to tell her he loved her, but of course it could be anyone. Nevertheless, you wrote him beautifully, expressing his pain, his nostalgia, his depression, very accurately. I could really sympathise with him.
The woman's character (or should I say Lily's) was well-written too. Even though we saw her through the narrator's eyes, I felt like I really knew her. I especially loved your descriptions about her beauty and such.
The story flowed very smoothly too. The transitions from one "scenario" to another were quite neat. The pace of your writing was fine too, it was slow enough to go with the melancholic theme yet not too slow to get boring. I liked that you kept it short and didn't make this very long, as then it would have become repetitive. I did feel slight repetition in the story, but it since it wasnt dragged further, it was not intolerable.
As for realistic-ness, I think this was very believable, especially if I put Severus/Lily in the place of main characters here. I would have liked to see more detail on the reasoning as to why he gave her up though, more concrete on the reasoning would have made it a little more realistic too. But apart from that, it was pretty okay.
The plot and the concept of course was well-thought out and executed brilliantly. I liked the whole concept of keeping the names hidden as it maintained a great air of intrigue.
So, all in all, I don't have much CC to give you, except for the little thing about there being slight repetition of sorts in the piece, and the reasoning behind him giving her up having a little more detail.
Besides that, Great work, over all. I really loved reading this, especially since the writing style was so good, and the grammar was fine!
(AditiDraco95) Report Review
Hey there, sorry this is a bit late!
An interesting story, I've never read one where I never found out who it was, I've read ones where I didn't find out till the end but this has my curiosity spiked. I would have said Tonks/Remus but they wouldn't have known each other, maybe Teddy/Victore?
I love the way this is written, sort of not wanting to blame himself but at the same time he didn't want to blame her and I love the repetition of we were just kids, it's just sticks in my head and It goes from being almost a reason to an excuse.
I'm glad he finally accepts that he does love her, even if it is too late to do anything and that maybe, just maybe, he is a little bit to blame here. The fact the he realsies after she has died just make it even sadder and it's hartbreaking but it's like one of them things that makes you realise that life isn't forever and all that.
An awesome story, you've did a great job on it! :) Report Review
This was beautifully written. I liked itAuthor's Response: Thank you so much love Report Review
I thought this was a very intricate and well thought out plot line for a oneshot. You did the song very well with capturing all of these emotions and feelings in this man that you portrayed in this story. The description you had was great and the story flowed really well! I liked the idea behind all of this, that they fell in love when they were young but then they seemed to grow apart and only later did he realize that he still loved her and would always love her. Its a very sad but yet touching idea really. There's really nothing else I can say other than that I enjoyed this oneshot very much! Great Job!
~Slytherinchica08~Author's Response: Thank you so much for the review! Made me so happy! :) Report Review
This story is amazing. I don't even know who it's about, but maybe it's better that way. I think the reader can decided for him/herself who the story is aboutAuthor's Response: Exactly what I had in mind! :) Thank you so much! Made my night Report Review
It seems like Sev/Lily to me :) really beautifulAuthor's Response: Thank you! :) Yeah, it does seem a bit Sev/Lily with more severe depression and such :P Thanks again! Report Review
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