I'm back for the final review of the three!
Hearing Liam's banter with his dad was quite funny. In the last chapter, Liam didn't really seem all that interesting, mainly because he really didn't have much of a personality to him. In this chapter, however, you really develop him with his annoyance with his dad, and - if my intuition is correct - slight crush on Talia.
Speaking of Talia, this chapter deepens her characterization a lot too. Last chapter, she's shown as being really caring about Charlotte, but that kind of gets thrown to the side once Holden got thrown into the mix. She's a little bit too involved with him, although I suppose that's probably what you intended to happen.
The DADA class was one of my favourite classroom scenes ever. The fact that Teddy was blending in with the students was just genius, both on his part and yours. That was fantastic. Also, after class, Teddy's line to Talia was fantastic as well.
I also loved the water scene between Charlotte and Al. It really does show that he helps balance her out, and calm her down, as she tends to be less anxious when he's around. Plus, they're just too cute.
It was interesting to see the family dynamics between all of the cousins. One thing I didn't like about this scene however, was all of the Houses being in parentheses throughout. While I do agree that it's important to be in there so that the reader knows that, the used of parentheses kind of throws off the original purpose of the sentence. Maybe if you could fit it into the actual sentence, or put it all in the author's note at the top, it might be a little easier for the section to be understood.
Another excellent chapter. Feel free to re-request for the next three when there's a slot open, I'd love to keep reviewing for you! :)
-ShadowRose (Taylor)Author's Response: Oh no the final review :( Just kidding! I'm probably going to post in the thread again if something opens up!
I really loved writing this chapter and it's great to hear that you liked it! Developing the characters is really important to me so I really like that you picked up on it. Liam turns out not to just be the fun-loving best friend and Talia turns out to have a bit of a weakness when it comes to her boyfriend. Favorite classroom scenes ever?! I'm beaming. I really like writing Teddy and will probably do a bit of a prequel on him...sometime. He just seems like he would be a fantastic teacher to me. In some ways I think he'd be like his dad when he's teaching, but I also think that he's going to bring his own methods to the table.
I thought the story needed something light and fun so I threw in the water scene. It's good to know it was appreciated! A major part of the story is the way Al can calm her down and be exactly what she needs and I'm glad you're picking up on it.
I wrote this one so long ago that I'd totally forgotten I put the houses in parenthesis. Thank you so much for bringing it to my attention! I'm probably going to go back and fix that right now lol.
Thanks again and again and again!
I'd love it if you kept reviewing for me! I'll keep an eye on the topic!
And I'm back! :)
I forgot to mention on the last chapter, but I really like how you're using alphabet letters for each chapter title. It's really quite unique. Have fun with chapter 24 though, because I don't know what starts with X that would make all that much sense. :)
I like how the end of the flashback parallels with the start of the present day part. That's kind of what I was talking about in my last review about tying things together. And then you did it again with the sorting flashback too. So that's good. :)
Also, I love how you threw Albus's fear of being a Slytherin in there. It just ties in the epilogue, and I love when fanfics do that, because I'm totally a canon junkie. Speaking of that scene, I love how they both named the giant squid. That was adorable. Although I do still like the name Mr. Squiggles...
I loved the scene in the compartment when they're all talking, because they all just seem like such funny characters. It's hilarious that Al and Charlotte actually did meet the giant squid after all.
Also, Charlotte's panic attack was intense. The scene was really well written, as the tension just came out of nowhere, much like her anxiety did. It was also kind of interesting how quickly the girls both snapped out of it too, almost like it had become something they were both accustomed to. But then, later, it's revealed that Talia really isn't, and is worried.
The final scene with Al and Talia was really sweet, in a strange way. It was adorable to see how much Albus cares about Charlotte, in that he's so worried about it, and already has a full plan of action in front of him.
I like how you continue with Charlotte's characterization, in that she tries so hard to be normal, but sometimes her anxiety gets the best of her, like on the train, but then there are other times, like the feast, where she can be completely normal.
One thing I'd suggest is throwing in some slightly longer paragraphs, just to add some variety, so it's not all just single sentences. That also allows for more description, which is always a good thing to add. :)
Overall, another excellent chapter!
-ShadowRose (Taylor)Author's Response: And I'm back too!
Oh chapter 24... enough said.
Oh! Okay now I think I have more of a basis on how to fix the flashbacks, thanks! Ugh. I love how you mentioned that I kept it cannon because that was a serious concern of mine. I am totally a cannon junkie too. It's also why I had her notice Al at the train station, but not go up to him.
Yeah I researched panic attacks and it seems like sometimes they just come out of nowhere. I wanted it to be as realistic as possible even though I'm not an expert on the topic. Charlotte is accustomed to it because of when she was younger, but Talia was just acting like you mentioned. I really love writing Al, so I'm pleased that you think that he's adorable :)
Now that I've read more stories on the site and gotten a few tips about the longer paragraphs, I realize that I really need to work on it. It's part of the reason I haven't updated in a little while. I'm planning on writing longer paragraphs for chapters ten and on and then going back and editing these earlier chapters. Thanks for pointing it out though! You've kind of given me the push I needed to get that going.
Thanks for another really helpful/really touching review!
-Avis12 (Sam) Report Review
Hi there! I swear, I'm usually more timely when it comes to reviewing, but exams have kind of killed my R&R time.
Anyway, I really love how this story starts off, because it's clear that there's something a little odd about Charlotte, and I really wanted to know what it was, and why she felt so helpless.
Jumping straight from the first line to the last, I really loved how the chapter ended. The statement is extremely effective and really sums up the chapter, and shows how concerned Albus is about her. I love when chapters end like that, where it's not necessarily a cliffhanger, but it's also not just a simple cut-off ending either. :)
Now that I've addressed the beginning and the end, I guess I should probably focus on the middle section, shouldn't I? :)
There are a couple of flashbacks in here, which are really crucial to the story. For some reason, flashbacks are really difficult to place into a story without making it seem disjointed. One thing that I'd suggest, more so with the first flashback than the second, which already has this, is a sentence of so that connects the flashback to the present events, so that the reader doesn't feel like the whole story suddenly shifts.
Charlotte is definitely an interesting character. You can see how she is really trying to be normal, especially around Albus, but there's that nagging anxiety - it seems almost like an OCD, what with the four obsession - in the back of her mind. You definitely did a good job in building the tension as Albus was watching her in front of the door, and she was trying so hard not to tap the doorknob. It really made her situation seem so much more real. Looking back, I noticed that she tapped it earlier too. Gosh, I love when writers throw things like that in there, that don't seem significant upon the first reading, but do in the second or so on. Wow, that was quite a bit of a tangent. Oops.
I like Albus too, because he's both concerned for Charlotte and Granny, but he's really a funny kid too. I loved when he looked Granny up and down and the ensuing jokes, because I just thought it was perfect. He already seems like a good balance for Charlotte's personality... which I guess makes sense, given the title.
One more thing. I really love the repetition you've got going on with the "Four more years." It kind of instills a sense of desperation and shows the origin of Charlotte's obsession with the number, and it works really well.
There's a few grammatical things, but nothing major. One thing that really helps me personally is reading the story out loud. For some reason, people generally hear mistakes in that kind of stuff better than they can see them.
Overall, this is a really great story idea, and I'm intrigued to see where it goes next! :)
-ShadowRose (Taylor)Author's Response: Hi Taylor!
I am so glad I posted on your topic! You are such a helpful reviewer. I'm happy you mentioned how something just seems a little off about Charlotte in the beginning because I really wanted to make sure that it wasn't just blatantly stated at the start of the story that she has an anxiety disorder. I wanted it to just become apparent smoothly...does that even make sense? Mmmm I've done a lot of flashbacks in the story already and now I'm ready to go back and make sure they flow because of you! I'm pretty sure most of them don't right now. Oops.
I love how you caught that little detail with the doorknob! I like it a lot too when writers do that. Ah the title...that's one part of the story so far that I'm really proud of. Is that weird? haha. I'm so thankful for your review!!
And now I'm off to respond to the next one :) Report Review
Wow such a fantastic first chapter! I love the way you've written Charlotte's oddities as if they're the most normal thing, not stopping to explain straight away.
Al's last sentence at the end was super effective. Ahh I love this already!Author's Response: Hey :)
Thank you so much for stopping by and leaving a review! I'm happy to hear that you've enjoyed the first chapter and I really hope you continue to enjoy the rest of the story. I think "oddities" is a great way to describe what Charlotte has going on. Yes, the last sentence was really dramatic wasn't it? You'll see more from his perspective in the future chapters if you keep reading.
I'd love to hear what you think about the other chapters and thanks again!
-Avis12 Report Review
YEY I was right! I wasn't expecting it to happen that way, you're right, but it can't be too bad. Maybe now she'll realize they are perfect for each other... Or maybe it's too soon for that to happen.
I spent the whole chapter laughing because of Johnny. She definatly didn't see that one coming!
I wonder how Scorpious will react when he finds out that Rose is dating Oscar (assuming he'll accept to go with her to Hogsmead).
I'm glad you didn't split this chapter, thanks!
InesAuthor's Response: Hello lovely Ines!
You were right :) I hope you noticed the shout out!
Johnny... LOL. I loved writing him, I'm not going to lie. It was nice to put in a chapter that was a little more lighthearted and funny. I also really enjoyed building Rose's character a little bit more.
I wanted to really emphasize how much all of your reviews mean to me. You are a wonderful source of inspiration and you keep me writing!
PS Tell me something about you! I feel like we are always talking about the story but I want to get to know my best reviewer! I remember that you said that English wasn't your native language, can you tell me where you're from? Report Review
Now, I'm not really into angst (like, at all), but I'm willing to give new things a shot! And I'm glad that I did!
I think this a really strong start to what seems to be quite the story! It looks like this will be one of those stories which will be mostly character driven, so I'm looking forward to some really intense character development (which I love)!
I must say, that already, Al is my favourite. He seems like such a good friend, and I'm looking forward to how you develop his relationship with Charlotte!
PS: What happens when you reach chapter 24? Which wonderful word will you choose for the letter X?Author's Response: Hey!
I'm glad you gave it a shot :) I am focusing a lot on each character and showing how they develop over the year (in good ways and bad.)
I know what you mean about Al. I love writing him so much that I have to really remind myself to write my other characters in! If you read on you'll see what I mean. (hint hint)
Thanks for the lovely review!
PS: I know right??!! I've been throwing around some ideas (all of which are no good.)
X is for Xylaphone: Charlotte picks up a new instrumental talent. Laughable.
X is for Xenophilius: for some reason Charlotte meets Luna's dad. Why would she though?
X is for Xiphoid Process: I think I would ruin the whole story if I titled a chapter after the cartilage at the bottom of the sternum (I'm studying anatomy.)
Luckily I have a little bit of time to think about it :) Report Review
I'm here for the review tag. I think it might be helpful if you include a link to your stories in your signature on the forums so that people can find your story more easily if you're wanting them to review it - it makes things a lot easier!
So, I like the first chapter of this story. Next generation is my favourite so I was automatically inclined to like it. Your opening was intriguing and made me want to read on to find out more about the character, and why she was feeling so helpless. I liked the sections from different times as they helped us to learn more about Charlotte and you've started building up her relationship with Al using these, too. I'm glad you make it clear what time the section is in because sometimes it can be quite confusing to read! I also liked the change to Albus' point of view for the last sentence, and I thought it was really effective.
You've made me really curious about your protagonist already, which is definitely a good start for the story! Charlotte has obviously got some sort of anxiety problem and I want to know more of the history behind that. I like the fact that Al and Charlotte are childhood friends and I'm interested to see how you develop their relationship, as well as her relationship with the other Weasleys and Potters. I'm already worried about Granny's health, and I also want to know why Charlotte is living with her grandma instead of her parents.
I noticed a few grammatical errors in this chapter, and although they don't really detract from your story, it would be improved if you corrected them. Also (and sorry about this!) you used Americanisms like asphalt, and they really annoy me (we say tarmac, in case you were wondering!). The other improvement I would suggest is maybe lengthening some of your paragraphs to offer more variation in the story.
Have you thought about getting a banner made for your story? I found my story got a lot more readers when I got a banner. If you need help with this, feel free to ask me on the forums!
Overall, I thought this was a really good start to your story! Well done!
nott theodore :)Author's Response: Hey nott theodore :)
This review is so helpful, thank you very much! I was worried that by switching between time frames the writing would seem choppy and not flow well. I'm glad you think it works. Thank you for letting me know about the grammar mistakes, I'll be sure to go back and look for those when I have the time. As for the Americanisms...I know!! I'm awful at doing that and I'm sure that if you kept reading you would find a LOT more. My bad! I really need to work on those. Thanks also for the tip on lengthening my paragraphs.
I do have some questions so I think I'll take you up on your offer and message you on the forums (I just joined today so I can do that now!)
Thanks again for the review
How are you? I hope that everything is ok with you :)
I'm afraid Charlotte will take her granny's advice too serious. For some reason, I think that she'll have to get to the bottom, before she gets better. It's sad, because I care about her :(
About the couple... My first thought was Rose and Scorpious, but then I remebered that he's not a member of the group. I think that the obvious options are Liam and Talia or Al and Charlie... Rose and Liam would only be possible if they were trying to make Scorpious and Talia jealous. It would be nice to see, now that I think of that. I'm not sure, but my guess is that it will be Al and Charlie. I don't think that Talia will see so soon that Holden isn't right for her. I'll just have to wait to see who it is :)
Thanks for making time to write this!
InesAuthor's Response: Hey Ines It's great to hear from you,
First off I wanted to apologize to you personally because in response to your last review I said that I'd have a chapter up in a week... and I obviously didn't. I'm doing okay, but things are still going to be stressful for a little while longer. I should be updating regularly soon enough though. Secondly, thanks for guessing who gets together! But you're right about having to wait and see, I think you'll be very surprised. About Charlotte...well let's just say her life is about to get very interesting.
Thanks again for the awesome review,
Dear lord i love this story! I love what you did with the flash backs, ot really let us into her life and head. I cant wait to see what you do about her mom. Please update soon!Author's Response: See below lol Report Review
Dear lord i love this story! I love what you did with the flash backs, ot really let us into her life and head. I cant wait to see what you do about her mom. Please update soon!Author's Response: Thanks so much for leaving a review!! I get really excited when someone new tells me what they are thinking :) I really had fun writing the flashbacks and I'm happy that you've enjoyed them (you can expect more in the future.) I'll try to update as soon as I can!
-Avis12 Report Review
I love the way you kept showing different memories. It made it look more real and some were really cute. I'm glad that her friends were there, too. All of them. It shows that their friendship is important (usually, everything is about Al). I think I hadn't realized how close they were before.
I thought that this chapter was going to be "only" cute and sad (usually I wouldn't put those words together, but I really liked the memories). Then, her mother showed up. I REALLY wasn't expecting that.
The waiting was really worth it, but PLEASE update soon the next chapter! I can't wait to see their reactions!
InesAuthor's Response: Hey!
Ah! I'm so happy that you are so happy! Yeah the first few chapters needed to emphasize her relationship with Al, but now I feel like since people understand the depth of their relationship I can really develop these other characters. Oh and her mother...yeah. You'll see. I'm not sure how long the next chapter will take, I'm really working to make sure I'm proud of each chapter. Probably some time this week though.
Thanks again, this review made my day.
-Avis12 Report Review
hi:) I've been following your story for a little while now and i thought I'd tell you how much I have been enjoying it: it is very well written and very can't-put-downish, I love al and I want a friend like him! thanks and keep it up!:DxAuthor's Response: Hey there :)
Thank you so much for this wonderful review! It means so much that you would take the time to tell me that you are enjoying my story. I'm planning on having the next chapter up sometime this week.
Hope you keep reading!
Avis12 Report Review
Ok, I'm not mad at Al anymore. He was there most of the time and took care of her! Now it all makes sense! It would have been nice, though, if he had gone back to the hospital wing (he wasn't going to sleep anyway), but maybe their friends didn't let him leave the common room, without an explanation. That would make sense.
InesAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for your consistent reviews! I know I can always count on you for one, and you honestly inspire me to keep writing.
-Avis12 Report Review
She's dead! I can't believe it! She could at least live a few more days! Maybe until the holidays?
I love Teddy. I don't know why, but I always liked him. I think he barely remembers that he's a teacher when he's with a Potter/Weasley/family friend. And I'm pretty sure Charlotte won't be in much trouble for escaping. After all, I think they'll be worried about her and they won't think about giving her a detention.
I just hope that she doesn't get too bad, but that's impossible, probably.
And why wasn't Al at the hospital wing when she woke up? He should have checked the map more often! I don't care that it was past curfew. It wouldn't be the first time that he would have broken the rules, for sure. And Harry wouldn't be able to send him to bed, because he had done the same. *very disappointed with Albus*
Anyway, great chapter as usual! Thanks for posting!
InesAuthor's Response: Hey,
I love Teddy too. He's one of my favorite characters. I'm actually thinking about doing sort of a prequel about him when I'm done with this story. What do you think? It's really funny that you brought up Al not being at the hospital because originally that was my plan. I'd even wrote it out and everything. But, I have my reasons *laughs*. Don't worry about never reading about Granny again because the next next chapter is almost all flashbacks and memories that Charlotte has of her. Again I'm giving too much away!!
Thanks for the lovely review,
-Avis12 Report Review
I can't believe granny is actually going to die! I was hoping the healers were wrong! I guess I care too much about her and Charlotte.
I want Al to find her in Hogsmead, before she goes to granny's. I know she's mad at him and I understant why. But I also know that he'll find a way to make her forgive him. And she needs him, so she can't be mad for too long. At least, that's what I hope.
"Stay out after curfew, ditch class, get in trouble, kiss boys, and, most importantly, have fun. I'm not saying to do this all the time mind you." I love that quote. I want to know more about granny. What exactly did she do when she was younger? The letter said something about trolls and being out of the country.. was that just "for fun" or her job?
Great chapter as usual! Keep posting!
InesAuthor's Response: Hey there,
I just love all of your reviews.
All I can say is that someone is going to find her in Hogsmeade, but I can't tell you who! It's great that you singled out that quote because it's going to play a very significant part in the story. As for Granny, she traveled a lot when she was younger and that's why she has all these interesting stories. I see her as someone who needs adventure in her life. It wasn't for her job, it was for her.
I'm so happy you've enjoyed this chapter!
-Avis12 Report Review
It's me again. I know I've reviewed your other chapters, but I made a mistake on the last one and wanted to correct it. I didn't know another way to contact you.
When I asked if Neville was going to teach Care of Magical Creatures, I meant Herbology. I don't know how I mistook that. Sorry.
Like I said before, I love your story. So keep updating please!Author's Response: Hi again (I just finished responding to your last review),
No worries about the mix up! Yes, Neville is teaching Herbology. I've always loved that Neville became a teacher even though he had so much trouble in school!! Thanks for the review :)
So now I have more questions. Sorry!
What happened with Liam and his father? Why doesn't he like him? Was something his father did? Or is he just a teenager and he thinks that it's not cool to care about his parents?
Scorpious and the group are friends? Or will they become friends later? (specially with Rose)
Is Holden a bad guy? Because I don't like him, but probably just because I like Liam and he likes Talia.
And I loved that Teddy is DADA teacher. Honestly, I'd never thought of that. Is Neville teaching Care of Magical Creatures?
I liked this chapter, but I always thought that Lily was older (5th year like you said before, instead of 3rd).
Anyway, thanks for posting! And keep writing, please! I want to know everything about these characters!Author's Response: Hey Ines!
I'd be happy to answer your questions, never be sorry! Ok here I go:
1. I think it's hard for anyone to have their parent be their teacher. Liam has always been pressured to be the best in his class and he resents his dad for this. He has also had to endure the teasing that comes with your dad being the teacher. Liam and Ernie don't hate each other, but the tension has been building for years.
2. Scorpius is not an immediate member of the group, but there is no animosity between them. The only reason he isn't is that he's a Slytherin and he just doesn't have that many chances to hang out with them. It's safe to say that Scorpius and Rose like each other, but they are too stubborn to admit it.
3. Holden is a bad guy...but you'll have to wait and see why. He causes a lot of problems.
4. In my mind Teddy is the only suitable DADA teacher. Remus Lupin has always been my favorite teacher of Harry's. It seems fitting that his son should be Harry's son's best teacher. (Confusing! Sorry!)
5. Lily is supposed to be older, but I made the decision to make her younger. I think it makes the story different from other stories and also I just really wanted to write her first visit to Hogsmede :)
I'm so happy that you like my story! I promise to keep writing. I should be submitting a new chapter to the queue today so it might be up in about a week.
-Avis12 Report Review
Hey, It's me reviewing again; I'm sure you don't mind. I really liked this chapter, it was pretty good and easy to follow.
Just a few tips is watch out for capital letters at the beginning of a name and if it was just a silly mistake (there was one or to in this passage) then don't worry but reading through your work after you'd probably notice silly things like that (I write so many stupid mistakes so I'm used to it but if you wanted to improve that would be a great way!) Also at one point it says "her pen fell out of her pen" ?? I think you mean to say "her pen fell out of her hand" it's probably just a silly typo but thought I'd point it out in case you didn't notice :)
Anyways well done, this is really great so that's fantastic.
~CharAuthor's Response: Hey Char,
Of course I don't mind, I'm really thankful! And I didn't notice those typos, but I'm glad you did lol. I'm going to go back and fix those asap. You are such a great reviewer and I'm glad you like the story so far. Report Review
heya, so your story caught my eye and I thought I should read it, which was a good idea because it's a really good start to a story, honestly I really enjoyed it; the beginning chapter is a good introduction and I'm sure it will get even better over time.
Just a few tips; firstly maybe you need to explain Al and Charlottes relationship a little more obviously because I was a little confused to begin with... at first I thought they were cousins because Albus also called the granny, granny... I get that they're friends now but you need to make it a little clearer I think. Also I think the girl would be a little more severely hurt if a car hit her, so if you want to make it a little more realistic maybe you could say she swerved and hit a tree? I don't know it's up to you; you could leave it if you want.
Anyways other than that I think this is a great story so keep it up and Happy Writing.
~CharAuthor's Response: Hey there!
Thank you so much for this really helpful review. I think I will go back and explain that Granny is just that type of person where everybody thinks of her as their own grandma. Even Ginny calls her Granny. Also, when she hits the car it was parked so that's why she didn't have any serious injuries. Maybe i'll go back and make that more clear. I'm really glad you decided to click on my story and I'd love to hear what you think about the other chapters!
Avis12 Report Review
I've just read your story, I really like it! I was wondering what happened to Charllotte's parents? And will Liam have an important role in the story? And the other Potter/Weasley?
Thank you for posting these chapters! :)
P.S. Sorry if my English isn't perfect, it's not my native languageAuthor's Response: Hey Ines!
Thank you so much for reading my story. In the next chapter you will see more of Liam and get to know his story a little more. I really like Liam so I'm sure he will turn into a major character. In the next chapter I also introduce the rest of the Potter/Weasleys. As for Charlotte's parents...well you'll just have to keep reading to find out! I really appreciate you taking the time to review and I hope you keep reading!! The next chapter is waiting to be validated, so it shouldn't be too long. I hope I hear from you again some time.
P.S. Your English is fantastic. Report Review
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