Hmm...very interesting. Very interesting, indeed. :D
Love how you threw the British/America thing out there, lol. Gets me to laugh every time how we dislike each other.
I feel bad for Kirsty. Make over and all. But I am very excited to meet James though I have a feeling he will be some sort of jerk. :P
Goldstein is my new favorite character. He is kind of snobby but in the 'I'm-your-boss-and-you-have-to-listen-to-me' sort of way. He is so adorable in my opinion, though I don't know how. He is so realistic.
Update soon. Can't wait for the next chapter. :)
Sama Report Review
I enjoyed reading this very much :D
Seriously, it looks awesome.
Write more soon please! PLEASE! Report Review
Hey, it's Whiskey from the formus, with your requested review!
As I am not much of a James Bond fan, nor an Olympics enthusiast, I'm afraid I won't be able to comment on many of the references you've made...I'm also neither British nor American, haha, but I'll try my best :)
I liked how quickly you jumped right into the action while also managing to give our main character some back story. The letter to her friend was a nice touch that, I find, gave a good impression both of the character and the life she leads :)
Oh, but I did wonder about this: Why does Goldstein have a German name if he is such a British patriot? Just a minor detail :P
By the way, I liked how you described him: "I looked at him, in his crisp black suit, his white shirt, and his dull grey tie. The only colourful thing about his were his eyes- even his hair was a greyish colour, every strand the same shade."
Let's see...I also enjoyed all the magic you included, for example the detail about wand activity in time-zones. The "wizoplane" made me smile (although I noticed that once you called it an aeroplane). The feminist elements you added were also an interesting touch, I hope you develope that theme further!
As to the Americans vs. the British, uh, clash...it was fun but slightly confusing for me because although you went into great detail to describe the American spy organization, we never did see how the witches and wizards do these things in England, so I found it difficult to understand the characters' reactions. Maybe you could add some more characteristic activities during their plane ride that would then stand in contrast to how everything is when the group arrives? For example the run-way style prep department, the meeting, the glass building etc would look different to the reader if before they saw the British group be more lax and eccentric on the plane.
I liked how the main character has a sharp eye for details and how you bring that into her pov when new characters enter the scene. I would have liked to see more such analytical reflections, it would have made it easeir to memorize the many new people we encounter in this chapter. Also, maybe if we had more insight into what she is thinking, it would be easier to place her attitude and character. For now, I'm not too sure how she is feeling about what's happening. Is she a bit suspicious, irritated or is she enjoying being back in the field despite herself?
Also, I once got a good bit of advice that I would like to share with you: actually writing out the way an accent sounds can make the character sound stupid and the author a bit condescending. It also makes the reading more difficult so unless understanding the character is also difficult due to their accent, I would advise against writing out their pronounciation. It doesn't mean one should never do it - Rowling does it all the time - but the tactic makes more sense if the accent is really thick and if it's spoken by someone who isn't a native speaker. But in the case of Kate, I didn't think it was necessary. You could just describe how her accent sounds and how it influences the impression she makes and then type out what she actually says in normal English. Or just pick several words that she says a lot and stick to writing only them in accent while leaving the rest normal.
Well, I hope I could offer you some useful advice, good luck with the rest of the story :D I hope they catch who ever is kidnapping those poor Quidditch players and I hope it's some really convoluted conspiracy because those are fun! Report Review
Review battle yay!
This is so interesting! I'm already hooked, and it's only one chapter in XD I love spy/action-y type things, especially when they're ones that make me laugh, and this one was no exception to the rule. I LOVED the British/American banter (I'm English/Canadian myself, so I can relate on both sides as well :P )
Your story grabbed me right from the beginning - characterization is incredibly important for me, and right away I realized who the OC's were, what they were about, things like that. I'm really liking Dalton, she actually reminds me quite a bit of myself, which just makes it all that much more enjoyable for me to read. Of course, I'm sure you didn't write her with me in mind, but that's neither here nor there XD
There were a few minor, MINOR spelling/grammar errors, but I'm not even going to bother pointing them out because they were simple typos, and really didn't distract from the writing at all. It's nothing a little proofreading wouldn't fix - I'm notoriously bad for it, so I suppose I shouldn't even be talking, but oh well :P
Anyways, LOVED this! (and yes, I thought of Fudge as soon as I read it)
Can't wait to read more! You better be updating this soon ;)
xx Molly Report Review
Hi, I'm here with your requested review.
I really liked this story so far and I'm defintly adding it to my favourites. I liked how you the Quidditch World Cup in with the Olympics, especially the Golden Village. And I loved the James Bond mention. Skyfall is currently one of my favourite films.
I was a bit confused as to why the Wizarding Secret Agent service was a part of the MI5 and whether members of the MI5 knew about them. It seems to me that it would be rather unlikely that the two are closely together, as not many Muggles really know of the Wizarding World.
I love Eve's personality so far, although I'd like to know a little bit more about her. My only complaint as I was reading this was you introduced numerous characters throughout the chapter and I had difficulty keeping them all straight. Such as when you introduce all of those who are travelling on the Wizoplane. Maybe instead, introduce them at different points instead of all together. However you've done a really great characterization on all these characters so far.
The bit about water was a little bit confusing as there was no mention of it until Johnson's question about why there was water in the room. I read it several times but I couldn't find any mention of water.
I laughed quite a bit at all of Bradley's comments. My favourite by far was, ‘Well if it isn’t my favourite Brits! And that’s spelt with no U, ladies and gentlemen." I too am of both British and American nationalities and I didn't find anything hurtful or offensive in any of his comments.
In this sentence here, "Scutto was a Muggleborn, so it clearly wasn’t a blood matter." I recommend putting the word status in between blood and matter, as it makes the sentence a lot clearer.
I'm really enjoying this so far, but I'm wondering how Eve is going to pose as James' girlfriend if none of the players are meant to know about the disappearances. I'm really interested to see how it played out.
I hope I helped and feel free to re-request another chapter.
Charlie Report Review
This is an interesting start to a novel. You've clearly put a lot of thought into the plot and characters, you got things moving quickly, and definitely piqued my interest.
To me, this story sounds like a fun one to write. Having a story set in what is essentially the Olympic Village of the wizarding world is really interesting, and as it sounds like the Village is the stay of a lifetime, writing about it must be great. You've also got the suspense, the sports, the two nationalities to play with... Good stuff. ;)
One thing that threw me off was how quickly you tried to describe characters. For instance, I never had any hope of remembering the names/occupations/descriptions of the people on the plane. I would've been content if they were described just as "members of the team," and described later on when they actually played a role in the story. All I took with me was that Kate had an accent and that Goldstein was in charge, and I had to give up trying to remember everything else.
Well-researched as this appeared, I was thrown off by a few of the mechanics as well. Why does going overseas temporarily keep your wand from working? And how could they Apparate without functioning wands? A few questions you might consider going back to, if you have the time.
However, on the whole this is shaping up to be a good story. I'm especially interested in the mystery of the missing Quidditch players, though I am also curious about someone pretending to be James Potter's girlfriend! Romance never fails, right? :P Anyway, good job with this. I enjoyed the read. Report Review
I'm loving the plot line so far.
It really reminds me of Criminal Minds, which i LOVE. I feel like you've given yourself enough to develop the MI5 group and the dynamics of the relationships between the colleagues.
I feel like the main character, Agent Dalton could be developed more. This is my opinion but I haven't really found anything redeeming in the main character thus far. It's only the first chapter so it's not an issue at all but I feel quite blah about her. She's a bit moany and unapologetic but I guess when we learn more about her she'll grow on me. I think she's got a front up but when it's knocked down, I'll really like her.
I do like Nate though. He seems quite pensive, sarcastic and charming.
I'm wondering how Dalton will become James' girlfriend if all the Quidditch players are supposed to be none the wiser to the disappearances, so I'm already really intrigued about how that will pan out.
The plot is also really original and I can't wait to read more.
Hope this helped :D
peanuts11Author's Response: omgomgomg i think i fancy you
i am so excited that you like criminal minds as well!
this is largely based on a dream i had after a criminal minds marathon... sorry, but criminal minds is like omg i am obsessed, in further chapters you'll hopefully see how laurie turns out to resemble reed :D
agent dalton- eve- will DEFINITELY be developed more. trust me. i tried to through in a few hints about her background- how she was an orphan in a muggle carehome, etc- and yes, she is monay and unapologetic but hopefully, you'll see in the next chapter how that's part of her, well not CHARM, but charisma. or something.
nate is my baby :3
thanks so much for the review!
bea xo Report Review
this is sweetlovelygirl from the forums with your requested review.
I really love this idea! I've also been thinking about a story with agents and secret missions and stuff.
I think the characters you made are quite good and I honestly can't wait for James Potter to turn up!
There are a few things that confuse me though:
- The part about the water. There was nothing mentioned about water in the room until, I think it was Johnson's, question about why there was water in the room. I had no idea what I had to think of it, where it was, how it looks like or how much there was. Maybe I just read over that part, but if I did not you sgould add some more descriptions about it.
- Scutto being a muggleborn, THUS the murders having nothing to do with blood. I don't get that part, or maybe I'm just stupid ^^', but if she was a muggleborn she could have been killed because of that. Maybe you meant to say that she was the ONLY muggleborn?
Well, these were the things that were confusing for me.
I really like this idea and I can't wait to read more!
You can always request another review anytime.
-Xxx- SLGAuthor's Response: hi!
so in my eagerness to put in my first chapter when the queue was like, 0 hours,
i submitted my un-edited first chapter, not my final draft. so that's why there's a problem with confusion and a few words are mixed around ^.^
but apart from that, i'm really glad you liked the idea! and don't worry, james potter will be fully introduced in the second chapter.
thanks so much for reviewing,
bea xo Report Review
First, I really liked the first sentence. You asked specifically about flow, so I'm gonna focus a bit on it. This is a rolling review, so I may wonder about things that you later resolve, but I feel like this gives you a good idea of how I am processing your story.
Is '...' speech or thought?
"The door- which was covered in two locks and three spells against entering in, without registration of my palm and wand- simply disappeared. It was just too early in the morning for this." - I'm a bit confused. Are you essentially saying it opened without her touching it, right?
I think you need to ground me a bit more - she mentions 'muggle pistol' so I assume she knows about magic, but then she is surprised and it is 'too early in the morning' for doors to just disappear.
Alright, now I see she DOES know about magic and she thinks it's to early in the morning simply because she doesn't want to deal with the person on the other side.
Your dialogue seems forced in some parts. I feel like this conversation maybe needs to take longer to be more realistic.
*‘You’ll be briefed on your assignment when you arrive. If you bothered to turn up at work in the past few weeks, you’d know perfectly well what’s happening.’* Perhaps he should say something like this first. Like when Dalton notes he wouldn't be there at that hour over four months, this man should point out that she would know exactly why he was here, if Dalton had bothered to show up to work.
*‘What’s the water for?’ asked Johnson.* What water?? I felt like I missed something but unless it is hiding between the lines I don't know where I am missing it.
I do like your answer, though. :)
The windows blackened, and five clear holographic pictures (of the remaining or kidnapped/killed players?) appeared on the black windows, with their profile information next to them.
"Scutto was a Muggleborn..." Scutto who? Someone they have a profile of? Perhaps a better lead into this. I like all the information you give on them and I know you're telling the story through your characters perspective, so it can sometimes be tricky to have HER lead us in with transitional thoughts.
LIKE: She scanned the names, noting them all.
It wasn't a blood matter, since one of the players, Scutto, was a Muggleborn. That was always the first thing we look out for.
Overall I think it's an interesting story concept and I'd love to read more. It's a bit hard to read at some points and that might scare off some of your readers. You might think of having the first chapter not written from Dalton's perspective, then switching to her in the next chapter.
Thanks for the opportunity to read your story!Author's Response: hey!
so i was so eager to submit it yesterday, i didn't submit my beta'ed edition, which i do assure you, flows easier.
i did mention scutto and the other's in bradley's speech- maybe you skim-read it? i'll make it more clear!
and '...' is speech, aha ;p i'll go other that as well.
i also mention her wand! sorry, i was so eager when reading this to point it out. i do agree, though, that i do need to define more things.
thanks so much for the review!
bea xo Report Review
Hey, its Gabbie here with your requested review! I have never read anything quite like this before, first of all and its great to see something so unique, which is why I adore Fanfiction in the first place. I thought your opening line was a good show into your character, but really, who does want to wake up at three in the morning? I would have liked a bit more place setting and I thought it felt a tad rushed but I liked the later pace of it. It took me a moment to figure out if your main character was male or female and I think that you may have done that on purpose? I noticed all the Bond references, which are awesome by the way so I assumed that you were showing a male perspective first. But, after a moment of me feeling sort of silly for not noticing sooner, we're able to see that Eve is a woman. And a pretty awesome one with her Muggle gun, I loved that you had that in here, even though they're able to use magic. The organization that you set up is pretty interesting as well and I enjoyed getting a little taste of how her work life is. What she wants, I'm guessing is to not only solve this case but to finally retire, I can't help but think that that time with the vampires might have done something about that. Hehehe.
I would have liked to have gotten more from the secondary characters, like Nate and some descriptions of them but you'll probably do that later I'm guessing? :D
The case itself is really making me curious. The fact that the Americans (I'm American myself so I was a little tsked at them) were more worried about the World Cup and not the player's lives was pretty irritating. But it reminded me of Fudge a little on how he acted in Goblet of Fire, not sure if you added that little conflict in for more trouble later but it was a nice touch. You've got me wondering about the players being killed too, I'd like to eventually figure that out! :D
On the description of Bradley, I thought that the lines about him caring about his physical appearance didn't really make sense. First, you say, from his white teeth that he does but then in the next sentence you say that he doesn't? I think that just tweaking that a little will make it smoother, but otherwise I liked his introduction.
Hahha, I could practically hear his accent in my head and thought the British/American banter was pretty funny. Cultural differences are hard to get right sometimes but I don't think you were trying to poke fun in a cruel way. I could see what you were trying to do and it came across better than you thought (Just read your A/N at the bottom) so don't worry about it! ;)
So, that's all that I have to say, other than I can't wait to see what Eve does with her new face. It sort of sucks for her that she has to get so much work done though! And will she be encountering James Potter soon? :3
I think you should keep going the way you're going with this story because I have a feeling its going to be a wild ride. :D
Thanks for the great read!
GabbieAuthor's Response: hey!
wow- what a long review! i'm flattered c;
firstly, yeah, i didn't want to reveal her sex, name or anything about her in the first prologue. i though it would be interesting to see if people automatically assumed she was a man, haha.
yeah, the characters- especially zoe malone, bradley, goldstein and nate, will be brought out more throughout the story. it's the first chapter, and i just wanted set the scene really!
basically, she was meant to show that she was confused about his appearance, which was a subtle hint to show there was a lot more hidden about him, but i can see why you'd be confused. i'll re-clear that up now ;D
thanks so much for the review!
bea xo Report Review
very creative. definetly a new favourite?Author's Response: yaaay ;3
i'm so honoured that this is a new favourite.
thanks so much! Report Review
I love love love this story!! I can't wait for the next chapter! Please update soon! xxxAuthor's Response: hey!
hehe yay, i'm so glad you like it!
as soon as i finish written the second chapter i'll submit it.
thanks for reviewing!
bea xo Report Review
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