You have nothing to worry about with your characterization of Narcissa.
I was worried that she would be all out of character but I'm happy to say that she was OOC.
The Narcissa in your story matches up very well with the Narcissa in Deathly Hallows, where we get to see the motherly side of her after she lies to Voldemort about Harry.
You can tell, just from this first chapter, that Narcissa is going to love her child more than anything and will do anything in her power to protect her child.
She was a lot softer and kinder than what we see throughout the Harry Potter books but that's not a big thing, pretty easy to overlook.
Good job on the chapter! Report Review
Hello! I'm here for a holiday review swap :)
This is a great idea for a story. I think you characterized Narcissa really, really well. She seems very tied up in her perceived destiny of becoming a mother, and I like the contrast between that and her more vulnerable moments where she's in tears because her wish hasn't yet come true. I also like Lucius--I didn't think I would at first, because he seemed so accepting of her grief despite her distraught appearance and lack of an heir. But the dinner table scene where he says that adopting would not be "practical" makes it all fit without hitting me over the head with his personality. The subtlety there is quite powerful.
I did notice one typo near the end of this chapter. I think you meant to write "limbs" and wrote "limp," so I would go back in and check the Floo scene.
On a stylistic note, I like how you used the months to guide the story and show us just how long Narcissa had been waiting to get pregnant. The scene at the beginning with the snow was also great. I especially like the line about the snow piling on top of her instead of the window, making her feel miserable inside. I have a feeling I'll be back soon to see how Bellatrix reacts to her sister.
Amanda :) Report Review
This is a civilian review. Hah, I'll just call it that, since you didn't actually request another one. You got one anyway, so I hope I'm helpful!!
I did not even expect Voldemort to come into play in all of this... I guess since Bellatrix was there, I should have known... But nevertheless, it's pretty cool what you did there: loyalty in exchange for a child. This idea really connects to the seventh book, when Narcissa sheds her loyalty to protect Draco. I don't know if you realized it, but this is a really great connection. Whatever you do with this story next, you can always explore the idea of love of family versus attachment to the cult (of Voldemort, of course!).
And at the end, the last sentence with the few words in italics... Are these significant? They seem to be so, because they are different from the rest. I wonder what they foretell!!
Again, awesome chapter!
~UnluckyStar57 Report Review
Hi!! I'm finally giving you the review you requested a few days ago!!
This was a pretty excellent beginning, in my opinion. Your language is spectacular, and the phrases are very flowy and cohesive. Narcissa's pain is evident, and it's very sad that she can't have what she wants most.
The only thing that I would say needs some improvement is the last bit, where she's going to Bellatrix's house. The sentences get kind of awkward there, but they just need some minor adjustment to fit in beautifully with the rest of the chapter.
Excellent work!! I'm curious to see what happens next, so I'm going to read and review the next chapter immediately. (Sh... This is our secret.) :)
~UnluckyStar57 Report Review
OMG! Narcissa's pain feels so real! This is so good! I'm terrified about what Bellatrix is going to do! Report Review
This is a brilliantly written chapter. All those descriptions were amazing! And I loveee good descriptions, even though I am not so good at it myself. :S
The only thing that was bugging me was "the home of her sister" and "the Lestrange home"; it just doesn't sound right to me, but maybe it is how you can say it. It should be "her sister's home" in the first place and I don't know if it's possible to mutter a home. At least you can say something like: the name/address of her sister's home.
As for the rest, it's just great!!! :D (And you can just ignore my comment if you want. :P)
Xxx SLG Report Review
Hey there- CalypsoJenna from the forums here with your requested review. (I should be revising, leaving me with nothing to do but fill your request :P)
I was blown away by this! Just brilliant!
First of all is your use of language, which fitted the story perfectly. You write with such incredible flow, reading this chapter was absolutely effortless. The way you bring across Narcissa's emotions is honestly flawless- understated, yet powerful. I found myself really feeling for Narcissa (who is not always the most sympathetic of characters.) The vocabularly you use describing her feelings for the child she has not had is so touching.
Little details like her red nose and her fondness for the bay windows made this piece of writing even better. The way you described the scenery throughout this piece added so much- it made your writing even more vivid.
You mentioned that you were concerned about the characterisation of Narcissia, but I really don't think you need to worry. I thought that you caught the icy pride that hides her real, deep emotions wonderfully well in here. Her desperation for a child so exactly explains her possessive protection of Draco, and seems to fit in with her personality. I also thought you nailed her relationship with Lucius- his wordless comfort after she'd been disappointed again, but then the feeling that his was the final word when she raised adoption.
I also really admire the way you've structured this chapter, with the different months. It made Narcissa's plight, that awful sense of waiting all the more painful.
And then the drama of the ending! I'm honestly on tenterhooks over what her desperation has driven her to do, and the consequences that it will have...
The only small thing I would raise is that I'm not sure that Narcissa would think of herself as a "Mom." Maybe substitute with Mum, or Mama, or Mother? Just a thought.
I thought this was a fantastic piece of writing. The flow, the characterisation... just superb. I'll definitely be waiting for the next chapter! :)
-Bethany Report Review
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