Hey again, here to review your story. :)

So like I said in the other story... you're going about the description the wrong way...

And perhaps I need to clarify that...

You see... everyone is different... and will write different things... and so far... from what you've wrote... your character is an arrogant person... I can see that... but again... you shouldn't let your character.

tell the whole story... And what I mean is... She's launching into who she is and her background... readers do not want to start off reading that. Let the readers be the judge of who the person is by his or her actions...

Okay... I'm going to go deeper into this...

I'ma write how you should write it out... and this is only for example...


Sitting at the Gryffindor table, I was looking at the cute boy across from, a few seats from where I was. He noticed my stare and smiled appreciatively at me. I grinned mischievously back at him, waving my fingers before holding my chin, and let my hair fall on the side of my arm.


There what I gave you... will give readers indication that she's flirtatious, sociable, outgoing and so on...


One more example...

I woke up to a strong burn in my throat. I groaned and covered my eyes which would scare the other girls.

"Are you thirsty?" asked Lily, referring to a whole different meaning. I felt her sit next to me and her hand on my shoulder.

I nodded my head, afraid to breath in the lovely salty scent of humans around me. Only Lily and our family knew my secret: that I was a vampire.


Okay there, something like that. You want it to be good too and mysterious while you're trying to aim for the hot and steamy story...

I hope you understand.

Again work with grammar errors.

I guess that's about it.

This was my constructive criticism. I know it sounds mean, but it wasn't my intention to be so.

Keep on writing, don't ever stop. ^_^

Author's Response: thanks a lot for your review, i will try to make better. :)

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