Okay. Here we goo-
So, first, ohmygosh, she has such a good voice! Its really strong and I already know a lot about her from it. She seems like exactly the kind of person I'd be friends with, except, you know, she probably wouldn't wanna be friends with me haha.
You have a great amount of humor in there, and your story is actually really relatable too. That bit about hipsters and mainstreamness had me nodding my head and everything!
The one thing is though, you might want to proofread a little more. I noticed a lot of punctuation missing and some grammar/spelling issues too. Not to worry, it doesn't make it unreadable, its just a little harder to comprehend, know what I mean? But everyone's a little busy, so I understand if you don't have enough time to check it over. Maybe you could consider a beta? If you are interested, I'd be more than happy to help out. PM me, or if not, there's a section on the forums that you could look into! Sometimes it helps to have another pair of eyes there to catch the few mistakes you might have;D
Overall, my favorite part so far is the fact that your main character is so strong. You really capture her essence, and the way you've written, its like she's calling up at me from the computer screen like READ ME NOW. RIGHT NOW. Haha:D
I really want to see where this goes, and I will definitely keep up with this story:) Great job and update soon!
xox, miluvAuthor's Response: Thank you! I know about the spelling errors but it's getting to the point where there is always something I have to do and then I just end up saying 'meh' or the like and spending the whole night on the internet instead! I shall try and sort it out as soon as possible, thank you again.
Beth x Report Review
It's v. long so I kind of gave up after a while but what I could both to read was good now will you please let me go read some Harry/Draco?Author's Response: You have my permission dearest Ashleigh! Report Review
Beautimousfully amazingly wibbly wobbly timey wimeyly coolAuthor's Response: hahaha TARDIS, I dont particularly even know anymore Report Review
humdinger pizza yum yumAuthor's Response: Yet again a thoughtful and interesting however incoherent response to my chapter, I am every grateful for your constant appreciation for my writing and are thoughtful enough to suggest some ways to optimize my writing style. As you have said, pizza is clearly and very important part of sentence structure especially when it is written so randomly in the middle of sentences with seemingly no reference to anything else in the story and without making sense in the sentence. Thank you again for your kind sentiments and I hope that I can update soon just so that I can see what helpful advice you have for me next.
Beth Report Review
hahahahahahahah duckAuthor's Response: I accept your point dearest Livi and have decided that yes it would be a good idea for the story to contain more ducks as they are -without a doubt- the most amazing animals ever, especially when they are rubber and glow in the dark. Despite the incoherency of your review, I have decided to take you opinion into account and use your thoughtful comments to improve future chapters of this story. Thank you for your interesting perspective on my writing, it will be nice to see what you think of the next chapter!
So, chapter two. In which Allie doesn't like anybody. Again.
I'm starting to get a feel of what kind of story you want to develop here. But there are a few things that I want to point out. First, interjections such as "yey" or "ughh" have no place in the narrative. It's fine for the character to speak them, but they just disrupt the flow of the story when placed in there. Also, things like *cue grimace* would look better in the general context of the story if they were expressed as a sentence: "I couldn't help but grimace". You have a lot of potential in writing humor, but remember you are still telling me a story and the only way I can understand and get in touch with your character is if by your words, the character reaches out to me, especially since this is a story told in a first person POV.
Also, when writing, make sure all of your dialogue ends in either a question or exclamation mark, a coma or a full stop.
Please re-request when you update!
RalAuthor's Response: Thank you very much this is really helpful ! :) Report Review
Wow, I sense a lot of deep rooted issues in this character. Hello, I'm here with your requested review.
Let's jump straight into it, shall we? The thoughts of this character made my head spin. Really, I'm amazed you don't pass out from exhaustion after you finish writing a chapter. She is a typical 16-17 years old girl who doesn't like anybody. Neither did I at that age if I remember correctly.
There's a lot of humor in here. I liked the whole argument as to why she declared herself an honorary tree (not a real one though, nobody likes being hugged by strangers). My friends and I call this type of person a chair. Because it's irrelevant whether they are sitting with us or it's just an empty chair, the conversation level is the same.
I'm really looking forward to seeing what you come up with in future chapters!
A little note I would like to make. When the character is making a point, try not to write it in caps lock. Use italics or bold instead. The caps lock gave me the impression she was yelling at me for some reason.
Off to read the next chapter!Author's Response: Thank you very much, I'll try to remember not to use caps lock unless she is really yelling :) Report Review
Very funny I like it alotAuthor's Response: Thank you :) Report Review
Hi! Siriusly89 here with your so-late-its-almost-criminal-review.
Can I just start with, I love your CI, and that I want that cat. Albert, is amazing.
I already love Allie, she is just one of those stereotypical hipsters, the ones that say ‘I could if I wanted to, but its just so mainstream’. It was very funny when she was describing Dominique and Roxanne, because she called them unbelieveibly pretty, and then put in ‘in some people’s opinion’ at the end of it, its like she’s constantly contradicting herself, and I just love it!
Well, now that that babble is over with, lets continue on, shall we?
Ah, she has ‘loner child’ syndrome, just a angsty-hipster dream. I love the fact that she’s a tree though, tree’s are the coolest of plants, so from this day forth, I am a tree. I’m all leafy and stuff. *rustle in the wind*
I’m very sorry for the nature of this review, I’m currently running on isotonic and jelly beans (no sleep. None)
Albert hides in the washing machine. . . .seriously, can I please have Albert. Please?
I love how she tries to be so anti-social, and sort of act like ‘I hate humanity’ when really you can see she doesn’t. . . .
Ahh, I enjoyed this chapter!
Feel free to re-request!Author's Response: Thank you very much, I do particularly like writing this story because Allie is just so different.
And yes, I wish I had Albert too he is the king of cats and therefore shall forever sit in his washing machine throne!
Beth :) Report Review
I'm intirgued because normally Lucy is one of the younger Weasley kids and is hardly friends with James and Fred because they're usually the oldest (after Victoire) and have left Hogwarts or are too busy to be bothered with their little cousin.
So YAY You for originality!!! :D
I like that Lucy/James/Fred/Dom/Roxy are the same age but I'm curious as to where the other Potter/Weasley's fit it, Since Molly is older than Lucy and Roxy is younger than Fred???
"Professor Humdinger" - Oh god if I ever had a teacher with that surname I don't think I could call them ever because I would laugh in their face :)
I really like Allie and her attempt at social interaction with others. Go Allie! :)
I'm intigued to read more to see what happens between Allie and James.
Soph xxAuthor's Response: Not sure what I did with the ages of the Weasley/Potter clan to be totally honest! I think I just decided I wanted them all to be there! Thank you again for the review and as for James and Allie's relationship, well things are going to be slow seeing as Allie is finding it hard enough to talk to anyone at the moment!
Beth xx Report Review
I really like this so far and your characterisation of Allie is great especially since she's a tree. Lol :D
Allie reminds me of myself in ways, "Talking= social interaction" I am so socially awkward it is unreal and when talking to teachers I get nervous and find it awkward. I mean I tend to stand/sit there and nod at what they're telling me.
"Two hours panicking for NOTHING!" - That sounds like something I would do, worry myself senseless and then realise oh yeah I can do magic.
I really like your description of her cat Albert, He seems awesome. I love that you'll find him in the washing machine. (I'm guessing she's either muggle born or half blood due to the fact she has a washing machine and ipod??)
James/OC I love it!!! I can't wait to see more interaction between them. Was it love at first sight for Allie as James helped her with her trunk??
Good start and I really like it :D
There were a few little errors that can be easily fixed but overal it was awesome!
Soph xAuthor's Response: Thank you very much, I really appreciate what everyone has to say and yes I have realised since posting the chapter that there are a few typos and the like which will eventually be sorted out but I am currently quite busy re-writing my other story. I will try and get round to sorting it out as soon as I can but I can't really guarantee anything, thank you again!
Beth x Report Review
I love Allie's attempts at social interaction and Albert is just as funny as before! Very amusing overall and I look forward to the next chapter :) xxxAuthor's Response: Hello Heather, feeling better yet?? Thank you very much x Report Review
I love it beth :D
It's really good I can't wait for new chapters :)
Ps, did we get english hw ;)
XxxAuthor's Response: Thanks Kianna and no we didn't get any homework xxx Report Review
I like Allie's attempts at social interaction in this chapter. It made me laugh that she was trying so hard and yet her conversations were actually pretty short! I think the way you write really conveys the fact she has a short attention span. Well done!Author's Response: Thank you so much, I really like writing this story so it's nice to know people like reading it, thank you!! :) Report Review
I like Allie! It's nice to have a character with flaws and I thought your writing was funny, especially the description of Albert and her decision to become a tree. I'm interested to see how you continue this story.Author's Response: Thank you! :) Report Review
finally a store where the main character isn't perfect in everything!Author's Response: ahh thank you that was the point of my story and I am glad you liked it! :) Report Review
Wow i love it so so so much! It's amazing! I love this bit:
' After spending most of my summer either in my bedroom or sitting in a field so much human contact was going to be a shock to the system.'
Allie is so great. And she's a tree! ;D Woohoo! Can't wait for chapter 2.
Also, email this chapter to me and i'll beta it for you
xxxAuthor's Response: yay thanks Rhiannon, haven't even really started chapter two yet though *guilty face* just don't know what to write, I have some ideas but havent sorted it all out yet xxx Report Review
Really like this story and can't wait to see what happens in the coming year at Hogwarts! Also, I loved the description of Albert! xxAuthor's Response: thank you!! Report Review
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