16 Reviews Found

Review #1, by APerkins Reconstruction and Funeral

13th October 2013:
Hi Starfeather, I want to really encourage you for writing novels in your second language! Well done!
This is an excellent way to improve your fluency, and I think you are doing an amazing job.

I find it hard sometimes to say what I want in my own language - to convey the "tone" of a story, the emotion of a scene in the way I build a sentence. To try and do it in a language that is a second language must be very challenging!
You are doing a great job - there are very few grammatical mistakes but your biggest problem comes because this is your second language. It makes a lot of the story sounds childish - like the story is designed for children.

This is a hard thing to fix, but for a few examples,
"Harry and Ginny became quiet. Ron cleared his voice."

can be rephrased
"Harry and Ginny fell silent as Ron cleared his voice."

and the paragraph:
"Lee Jordan put his right arm around George's shoulder. George's pale face was distorted with tense sorrow. Flames flared in the wind. Finally tears were dropping from George's eyes. The fire went out, Mr.Weasley collected ashes into a container with his wand. Mrs.Weasley, Ginny,Fleur and Hermione were waiting outside the gate. Mr. Weasley handed the container to Mrs.Weasley."

is a collection of short sentences that whilst they describe what happens, dont convey the emotional weight of the story.

If you were the paragraph, one option would be like this. (Bits you dont have in your story ,but I would consider adding are marked with-- -- on either side )

" Lee Jordan put his right arm around George's shoulder. As the flames --of the funeral pyre?-- flared in the wind, tears finally dropped from George's eyes.
--I would insert some sentence to describe time going by here--
--Finally?-- The fire went out and Mr Weasley collected the ashes into a container with his wand.
--another sentence to describe the emotions going on? - These are probably more important details than who Mr Weasley handed the container to--"


I am so impressed by the fact that you have written not one but several novels in English.
Can I encourage you to keep reading too? When you are reading, take note of how others build their scenes!
Keep up the good work!

Author's Response: Thank you so much, APerkins, it is very difficult for me to develop my English espression in my country where lots of English conversation schools,translation and business English schools are but we have few places to learn English literary expression more, so I really appreciate your advice, so please give me advice more if you have time to spare, I'll reread this chapter and try another way of expression, thank you!

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Review #2, by BigBlue2289 Back to Hogwarts

6th August 2013:
The ending felt a little too rushed for me, overall good chapter but weak ending of chapter in my opinion.

Author's Response: BigBlue2289
Thank you for your comment. The first novella I wrote in English is a kind of introduction to the next novel," Harry Potter and a Daughter of Druid", so I hope you'll enjoy it.


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Review #3, by Bigblue2289 Reconstruction and Funeral

6th August 2013:
A good fluff chapter, tieing up loose ends.

Author's Response: Thank you again for your review, Bigblue2289. I love their friendship among trios,plus Ginny and I wish I could describe their caring each other better like J.K.Rowling wrote.

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Review #4, by Bigblue2289 Life Still Goes On

6th August 2013:
A solid beginning, the tone is not really set for post Hogwarts battle I feel but still overall great way to establish the characters and story from the start.

Author's Response: Thank you for your encouragement for my first fanfic, Bigblue2289. I'm focusing my mind on the next novel that is a sequel to this novella nowadays but I'll come back to proofread my first fanfic.

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Review #5, by Ginny_Weasley_LOL Reconstruction and Funeral

14th March 2013:
so sad! :'( But I love the chapter

Author's Response: Thank you for your review,Ginny_Weasley_LOL.
I wrote this chapter remembering the funeral of my father-in-law. I'm getting into the habit of writing fanfiction. I wish you'll enjoy other chapters.


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Review #6, by Frizzy Haired HP Freak Back to Hogwarts

2nd March 2013:
Um... I thought the Peverells were distinct in the male line? Whatever. I liked Ignotus Peverell though...

Author's Response: Thank you again for your comment . I set up a little gimmick. If you read through to the end , you'll find it. I wish you' ll enjoy the story.

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Review #7, by Frizzy Haired HP Freak Reconstruction and Funeral

2nd March 2013:
WHAT?!?! Hermione came to Canada without coming to Toronto?!?! WHY DID SHE GO TO HALIFAX AND NOT TORONTO?!?! OMG I just missed the chance of meeting Hermione Jean Granger! I feel like hitting my head on the wall like Dobby. Just kidding. GREAT STORY!

Author's Response: Tronto, yes, that was one of my choice when I was writing this but finally I chose Halifax which was one of the biggest navel base port in the world. Maybe the movie 'Titanic' gave me much influence.
Anyway, Frizzy Haired HP Freak,thank you for your comment. I'll describe Hermione more in "Harry Potter and the Daughter of Druid".


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Review #8, by KT Father and Son

15th February 2013:
I WANT MORE ITS REALLY GOOD!

Author's Response: Thank you KT for your review!
While I updated this story banner I deleted Chapter1 and Chapter2 thoughtlessly. I 'm really sorry for deleting some reviews before February 12,2013.
I recontributed Chapter1 again. Chapter2 "Funeral and Reconstruction" will be soon validated. After that I will recontribute next Novella "Harry Potter and a Daughter of Druid" that is a sequel to "Harry Potter and the First Mission". Thank you!


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Review #9, by Dani Father and Son

10th February 2013:
Love it xx more please :D

Author's Response: I'm trying to set another story about Harry's second mission. Please come back to read.Thank you, Dani.

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Review #10, by Dani Snitch Catch

2nd February 2013:
OMR ! Really enjoying reading this xx Hope you write some more xx

Author's Response: Thank you again, Dani . I'm writing chapter12 now. Thank you for your encouragement!

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Review #11, by hpffisawesome The Potions Master

20th January 2013:
Great job, as always! I like how you kept the tension high between Harry/Ron and Draco. Hermione seems to hav eaccepted him, which I guess is her choice. Keep up the good work!
10/10

Author's Response: Thank you for your encouraging words! In my story Hermione is trying to be a liaison between Muggle-born and Pure bloods as the same as a liaison between house-elves and wizards.

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Review #12, by hpffisawesome Back to Hogwarts

18th January 2013:
This chapter is probably one of your best so far! You've got a way of keeping me interested..I think a little more Harry/Ginny romance would do you well, but hey, it's your story. Nice work!
10/10

Author's Response: Thank you again, hpffisawesome for your honest review! Many good authors wrote about Harry Ginny Romance, so I feel like awkward to describe about it, but I'll try in the recent future.

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Review #13, by hpffisawesome The First Training Week

18th January 2013:
Great chapter! Looks like we're starting to get somewhere. Just a couple errors I spotted:

"Your girlfriend is the most cleverest girl in Hogwarts, Said Anthony --- "most cleverest" is a double positive. Remove "most" to correct it.

No, thank you. We are on duties, said Harry. --- "duties" should be duty. Just doesn't sound right your way.

There are probably a few more, but I just wanted to list a couple. Keep up the good work!

Author's Response: Thank you again, hpffisawesome! I missed to check sentences you spotted. I'll rewrite those parts, it will take more days to be updated though.

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Review #14, by hpffisawesome Auror Headquarters

18th January 2013:
Another great chapter! Keep up the good work! Feels like you are still trying to set the setting...I'm interested to see where you take it.
10/10

Author's Response: I like the image of Harry at work in Auror Headquarters. I wish J.K. Rowling would write details about Harry's career. Thank you for your words of encouragement!

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Review #15, by hpffisawesome Eighteenth Birthday and Independence

18th January 2013:
Great chapter! "Harry felt like a gleam of light in the distance turned into bright sunshine," ; that's my favorite quote yet. Very creative.
10/10

Author's Response: I love modest Harry, his awkwardness. I would like to describe his character like that. His magic is very powerful , but he always behave discreetly, I think.

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Review #16, by grammargrandma Auror Headquarters

8th January 2013:
you need an editor.most of your sentences don' t make any sense!

Author's Response: Thank you for your comments, grammargrandma. I reckon you seem to be good at grammar. I'm not a native speaker , so sometimes my compositions may be based on my own language. Please give me examples you couldn't understand next time, if you have extra times. Anyway, thank you for your comments.

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