Ah this was a really cute oneshot! I loved that its not something normal that we see happen in the broom cupboard and loved the fact that they were both a little flighty when it came to opening the door and thought they were locked in but really they just had to push instead of pull (which I can so see happening as if it didn't say on some doors I would probably think I was stuck a lot of the time). The ending for this was perfect! I loved that they later became patners in the battle against Voldemort and all because she ran into his broom cupboard back in her second year! I also thought the reason he was in the cupboard was rather funny and just great! It made me chuckle a bit when he explained that his brother proposed to his girlfriend for him and his sister has given her blessing and now he has to try and find a way to explain to his girlfriend that they are not engaged. This was a great oneshot! Great Job!
~Slytherinchica08~Author's Response: Thank you so much! I'm really glad that you enjoyed it :) I've got to say I can't count the number of times I've pushed a door marked pull or vice versa. It really is an unfortunate fact of life, haha. Thanks for the lovely review!
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Aww that was really sweet :) 10/10Author's Response: Thank you so much!
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Ah I'm loving this friendship fluff! ♥ (Oh, and hello there. I'm apondinabluebox and I'm here for that second review swap! XD)
I adored the way that Gideon was very protective of Emmeline when she first came into the broom cupboard. It was absolutely lovely to read a fanfiction that involved an older student looking out for a younger one.
And of course, kudos to you for avoiding the broom cupboard cliche (although I must admit to being a fan of it) and creating an original fanfiction that isn't seen much around HPFF, at least not that I've noticed.
I loved Emmeline's line about running away from the bullies helping to keep her in shape! My first impression was that it seemed to be something an older student would say, but then I remembered that she had an older sister so she probably picked up those kind of sayings from her sister, so good on you for including family influences! :D On that note, I did wonder why she was running away from bullies when she's a Gryffindor, but then Gideon mentioned their names and since Malfoy was a seventh-year in Emmeline's second-year (assuming she was in the same year as Lily and the Marauders) then her running away would make sense.
FABIAN'S PRANK ON GIDEON!! Sorry for capitalizing that, but it was just so funny! (Side note: please, please write that one-shot! It would be so hilarious to read!) It's great that you left it to the reader's imagination what exactly Gideon did in revenge to Fabian, although I kind of feel sorry for the poor girlfriend. To be so excited at receiving a proposal from her boyfriend, only to discover that it wasn't actually her boyfriend and that her boyfriend doesn't actually want to propose. Awww.
A little nitpicking: "Emmeline's laughter redoubled" should actually be doubled, as she hadn't doubled her laughter prior to that sentence and "redoubled" means to double again. ;) Also, Alohomora is a first-year spell, so I wonder why Emmeline didn't cast the spell herself?
THE ENDING. I'm totally fangirling over the ending, because awww! The way they've remained friends, even though you didn't say that outright, is just so sweet. And it was excellent to see Emmeline getting revenge on her school bullies, but I must ask: Death Eaters have masks, so how would she know which one was Malfoy? ;)
All in all, an excellent one-shot! XDAuthor's Response: Thanks for the awesome review! I'm so glad that you liked this! I find it quite difficult to be funny so I'm glad you thought I was amusing. Also, I too am a shameless fan of the broom cupboard cliche. Maybe one day when I'm bored I'll write a spin-off of this and do Fabian's proposal on behalf of Gideon. Although what kind of girlfriend is she that she can't tell the difference?
Thanks for the nitpicking. I see what you mean about the "redoubled" part; I'll get right on fixing that. I didn't really think of when students learned Alohomora, but I see your point. I think it was a combination of the fact that Emmeline didn't think of it and that she was more comfortable letting the older Gideon perform it, in case she messed up. And about her knowing which was was Malfoy either a) his mask could have fallen off, as is common in the HP books with duels with Death Eaters or b) his flowing, luscious blonde hair might have given him away, haha.
Thanks again for the lovely review!
P.S. In response to your response to my review on "The Badger's Den" Pottermore is a website made my JK Rowling where you can have interactive readings of the books, get sorted into a House, go through your years at Hogwarts with Harry, etc. It's pretty cool, if you want to check it out. Report Review
Hello! I'm here from the Holiday Review Swap.
I absolutely adored this one-shot! I wasn't quite sure what to expect at first, when I saw the title and summary, but I clicked the link. I will admit I was a bit nervous when I saw it was a Marauder story, just because I've never really found a Marauder story I particularly like, but I did love this one!
I love how you write Emmeline Vance's character. She seems like a typical twelve year old, having to hide from the bullies. She really has a unique voice and seems really relatable. You also write her voice with the right amount of innocence of a twelve year old, meaning she actually sounded like one.
As for the entire broom cupboard scene? I love it. Gideon being in there and their little discussion was really sweet. Friends due to the fact they both had to take cover in a broom cupboard to hide from people...brilliant. And of course, the pulling to get the door open when it was a push door...Haha, I won't go into the amount of times I've done that on accident xD
Overall, great job! I saw no little grammar or spelling mistakes and it just added to how great this was! Hopefully I'll be back to read more of your stories soon! :D
~GrimmerzAuthor's Response: Thank you so much! I'm so glad that you liked my story. I'm really happy that you liked Gideon and Emmeline. I've received feedback on Emmeline about how she sometimes didn't sound like a twelve year-old, so I'm glad that you thought she did.
I'm thinking about beginnning a tally of how many times I push a door marked pull, or vice versa, lol. Thanks again for the lovely review!
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This story was cute. I like how Emmaline is written. She seems to be able to handle herself for just being in the lower years. I also like Gideon. The name is really unique. I like how you left a kind of cliffhanger with the last line about blasting Malfoy. Hehehe! If this wasn't a one-shot I'd say I can't wait for the next chapter. A nice read :)Author's Response: Thank you so much! I can't take credit for the names Gideon and Emmeline though. They are mentioned in the HP books as members of the original Order. Gideon and Fabian Prewett are Molly Weasley's brothers. Emmeline is just a member of the Order. I'm glad that you liked my story though. I had a lot of fun writing it!
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Firstly, (and most importantly), happy birthday! I hope, wherever you are in the world, that you're having a memorable day and can't stop smiling. And if not, then that's why I'm here!
I absolutely LOVED your ending. But I'll get back to that in a moment as it's always best to start at the beginning, don't you think?
I like the light-hearted tone of the entire piece. It's clear from the beginning that Emmeline Vance is a lot younger than Gideon - and at no point did I start thinking, 'ooh romance in the making' which is very easy to do when a guy and girl are stuck in a broom closet. So well done for managing to avoid this cliche!
"Well this is a silly place to hide, isn't it? They always look in the broom cupboards first," Just in that line, you nailed Gideon's character. It came across as if he was amused - in a brotherly way - but also showed that he was comfortable to have fun.
At times I thought Emmeline acted a little too... confident(?) for a second year addressing a male seventh year. But, as she later joins the Order, it's clear she has some guts so this could completely fit her character.
Your ending. I LOVED it. It really made the story for me - like finishing a circle (if that's indeed possible). In those few lines, their relationship was perfectly described. You fulfilled one of writing's basic rules; show don't tell. At no point did you go 'and then they were friends', but through your use of dialogue and description of how they spoke - the point came across perfectly.
Once again, happy birthday! Keira :)
P.S. I was asked on behalf of the Gryffie Birthday Reviews - I didn't just stalk you to find your birthday. I swear. ;)Author's Response: Thank you so much! And yes, I figured it was from the Gryffie Birthday Reviews ;)
I'm so glad that you liked my story! I'm definitely one of those people that automatically thinks boy+girl+broom cupboard= romance *shimmies away, embarrassed* I just figured that because everyone seems to always write that or assume it, I'd try to do something different for the challenge. I'm so glad that you liked how I wrote Gideon's character. I find it rather difficult to pull off that kind of character. Thank you for the compliments on my "show don't tell" thing, too! Most of the time I'm way too over-descriptive, so that was great to hear. Also, I'm glad that you didn't think it was choppy or random or anything.
Did Emmeline seem too confident? Hmm I'll see what I can do to fix that. My rational was that she's a Gryffindor (and thus brave and bold) and that Gideon was being really friendly so she felt more confident. I'll take a look at it.
Thanks again for the lovely review and the birthday wish! May your birthday be just as wonderful, whenever it may be!
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This was a really cute story. I like the light-hearted premise of it and how it's clear they become good friends after their odd little encounter. I'll admit the beginning, writing-wise, seemed a bit rough in terms of spelling and grammar and whatnot, but it had noticeably improved by the end!
I have a few things I'd like to point out. First off, your sentences could get a bit wordy. Try not to ramble on in one sentence. Rather, cut them down and separate them into smaller sentences that are more concise and more appealing to read. People can be easily turned off it your sentences are too lengthy and become a mouthful. A long sentence here or there is okay to balance it all out, but don't let them completely dominate your writing!
Also, some of the words you were using near the beginning didn't sound right. Affrightedly, for example, is not a word. I've never heard it before and though a few websites came up with "definitions" when I looked it up, it's not in an official dictionary or on any reliable websites. Also, "dived" is incorrect and should be written as "dove". You mentioned "baited breath" at one point, which is correct except for the spelled, which should be "bated". Lastly, when she first bursts in to the broom cupboard and Gideon is confronting her, he says: "Iíve been so unceremoniously interpreted"--I'm thinking you mean interrupted? Sorry for all the nit-picking, but I'm a bit of a grammar/spelling enthusiast!
All that aside, content-wise this was a cute and entertaining story that I enjoyed reading. Not to mention it focused on otherwise ignored characters, which is always good! Nice job. :)
Bri, xxAuthor's Response: Thank you for the wonderful and really helpful review! I'm glad you enjoyed my story!
I don't mind the nit-picking at all. I'd rather someone point it out so that I can fix it. I think I put affrightedly in there because I was looking for a similar word and Microsoft Word came up with that as a suggestion. I suppose I just assumed it was a word, haha. I'll get right on fixing that and all the other words!
I see what you mean about longer sentences. It's definitely a pet peeve of mine when authors do that so I'll get right on fixing it!
Thank you again for the lovely review and all its helpful advice.
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Well here I am! And I just want to say I really loved this! It was simple but really lovely.
I love how you showed them ten years later, shooting death eaters and Emmeline getting some revenge on Malfoy!
Plus Fabien and Gideon were joking and pranking a lot like Fred and George. I think you portrayed them really well.
It was light-hearted and fun! I liked it a lot!
~Pottergirl7Author's Response: Thank you so much! I'm so glad that you enjoyed it! Can't wait to hear the results of the challenge.
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