First of all sorry for the very late review! I got a bit occupied this week. Please forgive me.
Second I think you made a great start with this story, subtly introducing the main character and sketching her life to set the tone. That's really well done. It makes me all curious of the story and the little cliff hanger you put in on the end almost made me jump the the next chapter.
You very accurately discribe the scenes and the situation. I think that good, because it puts of a atmosphere, but personally I really like interaction between people. I like that the personallity comes out through the words of the characters.
That's something you may consider to put in more, if you like. Conversations are fun!
Other than that this chapter was great!
I think I want to know where this story is going so feel free to re-request if you want too.
maya Report Review
A cliffhanger! You're evil!
This was a lovely chapter. We got to see a little more dialogue and interactions between Mel and her family and friends. I'm really curious as to what happened with her Dad. It must be something big if a Veritaserum confession couldn't get him back in the game.
And she still hasn't opened her letter! I'm dying to know!
Again, I loved the descriptions, both of the surrounding area and of the people she interacted with. The dragon in the pits of Gringotts was a very nice touch! And you ended it on such a cliffie! Please be Draco, please be Draco.
I looked and looked for any errors but I found nothing so good for you! This is shaping up to be quite an interesting story so please request again when you update! :)
Ral Report Review
Hello dear! I'm here with your requested review!
Something about your writing style in this first chapter gave me the warm and fuzzies. You have so much attention to detail that I was transported to Melanie's room and life and her surroundings. It's at times very difficult to describe everything you want without it getting in the way of the plot but you did it impeccably.
Attention for detail aside, you have a very smooth writing style. Everything just comes together and binds in a very natural way. The setting is elegant but cozy and you don't overwhelm your reader with any of the settings you set for this first chapter!
Oh, a letter from Draco! I'm so curious to see what it says!
I was hoping to give a more constructive review, but I loved everything about this first chapter, I couldn't see any spelling or grammar errors and all in all it was very well written! I'm off to read the next! Report Review
I like that you ended this chapter with a cliffhanger, which leaves me quite intrigued. Although the descriptions are long, they are well-written, however at times it is hard for me to focus on these long paragraphs. As constructive criticism, I'll say that when the plot does pick up, that these descriptive details will be very appropriate and necessary. I can't wait to finally see Draco in this story; I hope he makes a big appearance soon! So far, it's a bit hard for me to keep up with this story, but I hope it picks up soon because I think this story has potential, as you are an in-depth and descriptive writer, which I do appreciate, just remember not to drag out the description too long, especially if it's not plot-based, as it can become difficult for the reader to keep their attention. Report Review
For me, this chapter revolved around all OC characters, which made it hard to grasp, as I don't know any of the characters. The main character wasn't well-developed, which makes it much harder to envisage her. I felt like this chapter was very drawn out and hard to read, mostly because there were no recognizable characters and the paragraphs were too long and irrelevant. I'm also not sure what the plot of this story is, so I'm slightly confused on where this is headed. Hopefully, the next chapter explains some of these things more and clarifies. Report Review
I really enjoy your stories and writing style. This story is coming together very well and I can't wait to read more and find out about the characters. Do we get to find out what was in Draco's letter?Author's Response: Hey Anon, thanks for the review! Yes we will be finding out what it said soon enough. It's my little cliffy in a way, but you'll know soon enough hehe! :) I'm glad you're enjoying it, thanks very much for the review! Bobby xx Report Review
For some reason I feel like Melanie seems too...perfect? Does that make sense? Albeit, you do take the time to make describe some quirks that set her aside from the average person, like:
-She doesn't really like fashion or spending more than ten minutes to get ready.
-She forgot that her father and her had an "outing."
-Her first reaction to being tackled is intense anger (except I'm pretty sure everyone else has this reaction...)
-Sea-sickness (This part was funny, I did enjoy that part)
Okay, all that being said, I think I get this impression because your narrative is in past tense. So, everything that I read has already happened. Like a history textbook...
So, why should you bother putting things in present tense? Well, think of the Potter series. We weren't passively reading about Harry's fight against ole' Voldy. We were actively living the action with him.
I hope this little CC doesn't annoy you, because I do like this story :)
Okay, now on to the fun part where I fill this little box with compliments:
-I never read about Gringotts on this site, so reading that part was super exciting. I have a slight obsession with goblins...I'm a fan!
-Her father is a freaking ex-quidditch player? Geez, I can't wait to learn what rumours were spread about him. Although, it seems that Melanie has suggested that there are some truths to these rumours. If not, why didn't the team take him back?
-CLIFFHANGER! The death to all readers! I love it. I use them all the time in my stories. I just get all giddy when I see other writers use them.
Quick question: Why is Melanie so...nice? I mean, I don't want to be one of those people that screams, "All Slytherins are EVIL!" because that isn't true. However, from what I've read, Melanie is a little too nice to those inferior to her to be a Slytherin personality. Ex: the part where the she thanks the goblin Report Review
What a captivating introducing to your novel :)
Hello, its soapman333 from the forums to (finally) get that review for you all written up :D.
This story is well-written, articulate, and has a superb flow. I respect your writing style. It takes a great load of talent to be able to describe the setting to such perfection. I could visualize the scene outside the window as Melanie ate with her family. It was all very detail oriented, and that really made my mind "see," for lack of a better word, what it was that caught Melanie's attention.
The section of this work where Melanie could not properly organize herself really made me smile. I'm not familiar with the whole "make-up routine," but, if I was, I'm sure I'd be in the same boat as Melanie with mascara smeared everywhere.
That all being said, the narrative voice was very precise and elegant. Not entirely something I'd connect to a seventeen year old's voice, but it seems to fit well with the story. Melanie must be very "mature" for her age.
I'm a huge fan of greek mythology, so I was just geeking out when you added in the "zyphr" to describe the wind. Although, I'm guessing Melanie must be extremely educated to be able to easily come up with that type of word choice. That's very intriguing. So, I'm guessing she must also come from a very wealthy/elite family to be so well educated.
Just connecting the dots ;)
Obviously, by the decor of the home and the manners of those visiting the house, she's an elite. I'm just observing that the way she presents herself and thinks also points towards a wealthier way of living :D. It's all just interesting to read.
Okay, so she gets a letter from Draco, and I'm surprised she doesn't open it right away. I have a few theories on this front (I like to make guesses about what will happen, just to see if I'm right.):
1-Draco is a family friend: Eh, sure Draco is relatively important in her life. Just not important enough for her to get all that excited about something he has to say. Basically, he has become a sort of brother in her life. Maybe this relationship will develop into something more, but, right now, she's content with the friendliness between each other; therefore, she doesn't feel the need to read the letter.
2-Draco is an acquaintance: She knows of him, and, perhaps, has written to him before. Their relationship isn't to the point where she feels a sense of excitement when receiving something from him, because he is so foreign to her. He's like that friend you make in classes. You talk to this friend, but the conversation is limited to school/work, and you two never speak outside of that class. Ultimately, her interactions with him are to the point, right now, where she doesn't feel the need to rip the letter open and pour over his words.
3-Draco is a former lover: Well, maybe not a "lover" because she is only seventeen, but they reached a level in their relationship where they both agreed to want something more than friendship. They broke it off, and so she doesn't feel the urgency to read anything from him anymore. He's not such a big part of her life at this point.
As you can see, you left much room for a wide interpretation for your ending. I think that's just brilliant. It keeps readers like me on our toes. I probably guessed wrong, but it's fun to input my theories anyways.
As for CC, I love your descriptions, but I would sometimes zone out and have to go back and re-read a section of the narrative. This is probably because I have: 1) the emotional range of a teaspoon and 2) a problem with keeping myself on task (perhaps some form of ADD). The verbose descriptions add a sense of "romance" (as in the Romantic form of writing, not, necessarily, the passionate type) which is what I like about it all :) You are a very talented author, I just continuously lost focus. Please don't take that the wrong way.
Okay, now your characters:
Melanie-I mentioned this earlier, but she's a very intriguing character: very mature for her age, has much leisure time, and is perfect for narrating this story (well, from what I've read).
Parents: The childhood stories about her parents made me smile. They don't seem so close now, which is a shame :/. Oh well, it's all part of the story.
Jackie: Oh man, she's the sweet/caring/supportive character in this story. Gotta love these characters. They always gain the reader's sympathies, and seem to know the right thing to say.
Draco: I'm not usually a fan of Draco, but I can see this story influencing me in the "Team Draco" arena. I'm already wondering what it is he has to say to Melanie, and their relationship to one another.
Awesome, I hope you didn't hate the things I had to say :D.
Again, wonderfully written. Feel free to re-request.
JackAuthor's Response: Wow Jack, thank you for such a detailed, dedicated review! I'm very greatful that you took so much time to give such extensive feedback. Really appreciated, thank you.
And I will tell you this now - one of your theories was correct but only time will tell which one... ;)
I agree, I do have a tendancy to waffle on at times. I will have to try and correct myself a bit better to prevent the re-read thing. I get lost in description sometimes, really want people to see what I can see but I think you did just that, and that's wonderful to hear. Glad you enjoyed it and connected with the characters and narration style. I'm so happy that you enjoyed this story, and enough to write such a lovely detailed review. Thank you :) I hope you enjoy the next chapter, Bobby xx Report Review
This story is so detailed! I like Melanie but she's seems to be a deep person, but what has she got to do with Draco? Why is he sending her messages?
This story has got so much potential but to be brilliant, and I feel sorry for her she's a only child.
Keep up the good work.
LauraAuthor's Response: Hi Laura, thanks for the review, glad you enjoyed it. All the questions will be answered throughout the story, and there's a reason she's an only child. You'll see ;) Thanks again! Bobby xx Report Review
Ho ho ho my god, you are amazing for going back and rewriting an old story. That is so hard, especially when it's been such a long time. I don't even know how you'd do that, so mince pies to you. A very brave move.
I haven't read the original, of course, but I thought this was great. You really opened with a great exploration of Melanie's character, her insecurities about leaving home but still that thirst for doing something different. It's natural to worry about leaving the nest and leaving the safety and comfort of home, but I think she'll be okay. I really sympathised with her, which is credit to your good writing.
I wonder what's in the letter. Maybe it's a list from Draco, and she's checking it twice. She'll find out if he's naughty or nice...
Merry Christmas!Author's Response: Hi Santa, thanks very much for another review, much appreciated. Yes, brave or stupid, yet to be decided lol. I was 14 when I first started writing this story. I'm now nearly 23. Bit of a difference. Hopefully it means that my writing has improved a bit (trust me, based on the original version of this story, IT HAS, A LOT lol) and this version is much, much better :D
And I am so grateful you haven't read the original. Not only would you never believe that it was THIS story, but I have removed its horribleness from the internet, never to be found again lol. It lies at the bottom of the deepest darkest made up ocean in the wildest unkempt part of my laptop under lock and key. It will NEVER see the light of day again haha!!
Haha, I like that, maybe she will... I'm about to upload the second chapter. I hope you enjoy it as much as this first one that set the scene. It's my original baby, I hope you enjoy it too :) Merry Xmas! Bobby xx Report Review
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