Reading Reviews for Masks
  
18 Reviews Found

Review #1, by EnigmaticEyes16 Don't Pitch a Fit

23rd April 2014:
Hi! I'm here for the Slytherin Review Exchange!

I thought this was a really nice story. So far it's been very light and fun, and it was fun to read. I went through the chapters very quickly without much issue. There were a few grammar/word choice things that I noticed but they did not hinder me from continuing the story.

I'm really intrigued. I'm very curious about what's going to happen. I've learned quite a bit about Eilley, and I'm very interested in knowing more about the other characters, like does she have a chance with Scorpius? Will her feelings ever change for Albus, and what's his deal anyway? And James suddenly became a curious figure as well.

I'm very interested to see what happens next so I'll have to keep an eye out for the next chapter. I wanna know how she reacts to her hair, and I'm curious what color her hair was before (because I don't remember if you mentioned it or not). And I'm glad I signed up for this exchange, it was a lot of fun.

xxEE16

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Review #2, by UnluckyStar57 Talk of Rabbits and Game-ception

16th April 2014:
Silly rabbit, salad is for eating (not for your face...).

Hahaha, this story seems pretty hilarious! Eilley Zabini, the girl with a thousand middle names, is an odd duck in a pit of snakes, so her personality must really get on their nerves! :) Her prank wars with Albus and James can only lead to trouble--the good kind, of course, for what would a story be without trouble? :D

I love how you made Eilley stand out from the other Slytherins by unmasking her, in a sense. She refuses to play their little games, and that's really cool of her--conformity is so overrated!

Uh oh... It seems that there's a bit of a love square-ish thing going on! Albus likes Eilley who likes Scorpius who likes Rose. What's going to happen with that?!?! It's too bad that Eilley hates Albus... Or maybe that's a good thing. Who knows? I guess I'll have to read some more to find out!

One suggestion that I have for this chapter is that you show scenes instead of telling about them. The blue paint bomb was a really interesting idea, and if it were placed into action in a scene with dialogue and anger and messy paint, it would be more vivid and it would add a lot to this chapter. But that's just a suggestion. :)

'Til next time!

~UnluckyStar57

For the Huffleclaw-Ravenpuff Eggstravaganza.

Author's Response: Hello UnluckyStar57! If you haven't noticed, I've come a ways since Albus in Wonderland... You are probably the first person who whole heartedly likes Eilley! As for the love square- well it is at the fetus stage- once you dive in a little more then it starts to get interesting... I wanted to write about the blue paint thing but people get hit in the face with all sorts of things besides salad and paint, and I was trying to avoid repetition there is a little less of an obvious story telling and scene showing as time goes on... You really are a dear for leaving such a nice review! I hope to see you lurking here again!
XOXOXOXOXOX,
LLG


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Review #3, by academica Talk of Rabbits and Game-ception

22nd January 2014:
Hello there, here for our review swap :)

One thing I would suggest right off the bat is that you start using the Simple Editor, if you aren't already. Doing so means that you have to put in your own bold/italics/centering and so forth, but it also gets rid of those really distracting gaps between paragraphs.

I thought your flow was pretty good for the most part in this chapter. I like how your OC carefully thought through the complex dynamics she observed in those around her, like the animosity between Draco and Ron and the way she didn't need to wear a mask because she was okay with who she really was. That last quality of hers makes her feel more relatable than most OCs.

I would maybe do something different with the outbursts and asides, though; it's kind of distracting to have your OC suddenly lose her temper and break the third wall.

Oh, and I love the idea of Game-Ception! Super creative, and I agree that it sounds a lot of fun.

One last note--you might consider getting a beta to work on this story for you, if you haven't already, because I saw multiple spelling mistakes and punctuation issues. Fixing those errors would make the flow even better, and you really want your opening chapter to impress people because then they want to read on in later chapters :)

Great job! Thanks for the swap!

-Amanda

Author's Response: Hi Amanda!

I am still really annoyed about the paragraphs (my computer hates formatting nicely) so I am fixing it as you are reading this.

I am glad you like how the character is- my goal was to make her as real as possible. As for the outbursts and asides; I agree something should be done- I just feel like cutting them will cut the character. I also have a habit of breaking the third wall you see...

My computer really was the reason my spelling was all wrong- I am too reliant on spell check. I guess beta hunting would be a good idea considering I am too lazy to keep looking all this over so much. Thanks again Amanda!

XOXOXOXOX,
LLG


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Review #4, by maraudertimes The Library, my CRS, and the Counter Attack

20th January 2014:
Hello again!

So this was... interesting. There were parts I loved, there were parts I was not so fond of.

First, I loved the fact the Eilley was sticking to her guns and making a point of not going on a date with Albus. Especially considering the bag incident.

I also really liked the pranks, as I could easily see James and Sirius (original marauders) pull those against someone like Snape. So to see this was kind of a fun little swap, since it's two Slytherins pranking one Gryffindor instead of vice-versa (and it doesn't hurt that Albus's middle name is Severus).

However, I do have a few CCs. Well, really just one. Eilley's characterization seems a little off to me. This could just be a funny/witty/sarcastic thinking process, but I really didn't like the part: "Because I am just kewl like that. I'm so cool I spell it k-e-w-l. That's right; be jealous Muggles! And if you aren't a muggle be jealous anyways." To me it sounds a little conceited, like she thinks she's better than everyone else (well, except Scorpius, because we all know she basically worships the ground that boy walks on :P).

Another part of this is when she says: "I believe in individuality, make-up should only be used as a form of Capital Punishment, and dresses are a form of social conformity!" Um, I enjoy expressing myself as much as the next person, I only wear make-up when it's to something important (wedding), or when I'm bored and I have the time, and the last time I wore a dress was four years ago. I might not be as extreme as Eilley, but I don't look down upon people who live their lives differently than me. Eilley, to me (so don't take this personally, and please feel free to ignore this), seems very rude and arrogant, and as I said before, it seems (to me at least), like she views herself as better than everyone else.

Also, when Eilley says: "The middle child of Harry Potter is a Rice Cake!" I was shocked to say the least. To me (again, this has everything to do with my views, so feel free to ignore me), this seems very derogatory. I'm starting to root for Albus and James at this point.

That said, I do like your portrayal or Carr - she's my favourite so far. I love that she's so forceful and semi-violent! And Scorpius! Does he fancy Eilley? I think he does and that's why he's telling her to stay away from Albus! Oh that would be so cute!!! I also totally agree that it's wrong that the APFC is up for any menial thing Albus wants them to do even if it's just because Eilley shot him down. Something I also noticed, was the quasi-similarity to Jily in their Hogwarts years, so it's cool to see how you integrated that!

I also loved the pranks part (have I mentioned that?). And the how they got there. Mission Impossible theme song? Every good covert operation needs one! And their camouflage cracks me up! Although, I am wondering how they got into the Gryffindor Common Room in the first place. Some kind of Jedi mind trick? 0.o And oh no! Freddie caught them! I wonder what will happen!

Lo

Author's Response: I really do apologize this really was the funny/witty/and very sarcastic/overly dramatic thinking process which is from me throughout the years. The whole kewl thing was just meant to be goofy because my friend McKenna and I always joked about that.

The whole dresses are social conformity was just what I would shout when my friends use to shove me into dresses and skirts to be funny. Rice Cake was what my friend always called me (too Asian for it to be ignored but too not Asian to be talked about {but mostly because she was my vanilla wafer so I needed a food name}.

Maybe I'll add some sarcasticsis }because I am not sarcastic at all{... Tada! (okay so I'll inform the readers instead...)

Love, cookies, and wishes for you to be feeling better!

XOXOXOX,
LLG


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Review #5, by maraudertimes My Back up Tryouts and a Suprise

20th January 2014:
Hello!

I quite liked this chapter better than the other one. It had more action and less talking, though the explanations were relatively spaced out, so it didn't get tedious!

The one thing I would watch is that Eilley's comment about her metabolism. It shouldn't matter if she has a high metabolism or not considering she's a fairly good (great) quidditch player if what I've gathered from this chapter is true. If she's that good, four muffins might warrant a metabolism comment, but two? Seems a little bit too insignificant.

Other than that, great job! I honestly wanted to punch James in the face when he made that weight comment. But poor Al. I think he really truly does like Eilley, but she just won't give him the time of day!

Good job!
Lo:)

Author's Response: Hey there! I'm glad you liked this chapter better (the edited version of #1 is in the queue!) As for James and the weight comment- I have thought about how to change it, but I decided you had to have some sort of character hate. As for Al- you'll see how their interactions continue... *dun-dun-dun*
XOXOXOXO,
LLG


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Review #6, by maraudertimes Talk of Rabbits and Game-ception

19th January 2014:
Hello!
This was a very nice first chapter, although there are a few things I would like to address.

First, the chapter title didn't seem very intriguing. Second, the chapter itself lent itself way too much to the title. Long explanations about the background of the character and their friends tend to get tedious.

That said, I think learning about Eilley (great name by the way) by having her explain all of this in the train compartment that she's sharing with her friends, maybe adding in a little dialogue between the three, could be really interesting. Anything where you can set a scene and perhaps why she's introducing them. Other than that though, I think you did very well.

I found Eilley to be a little pompous in the fact that she's different from everyone else, but I'd be interested in seeing if someone (maybe Albus) would confront her on that area, so it's actually quite intriguing to see that. I also quite liked her inner monologue.

The Eilley/Scorpius unrequited love thing was really sweet and I felt really bad for her, since the whole Scorpius/Rose thing is kind of there. And I really liked Carr, and I really want to see some of her nicknames.

Needless to say, this was a good first chapter, but if you just give a reason for why Eilley is introducing everything, it would push it that inch further to great! You've done a nice job here and your premise is smashing!

Great job!
Lo:)

Author's Response: I know, the chapter title sucks. I need a new one when I go back through and edit it again (all the same stuff just generally better). As the story stands though it flows nicely with chapter two that eases you into the story (as well as it being a nice warning that I am introducing a lot).

I have a scene idea to throw a scene in but I cannot do trains scenes. I think they are used to often to start a story with next gen (and it is mentally confining to me).

Trust me, later on you see a lot of the ways Eilley gave Carrington her nicknames. And more sweetness with love triangles, nets and the occasional piranha in the tank.

Thanks for all the complements and the push I needed!

XOXOXOX,
LLG


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Review #7, by The Inked Pen Talk of Rabbits and Game-ception

21st July 2013:
great intro but one thought would be to change your chapter title, Introductions and all that jazz really doesn't compel me to read the story.

Author's Response: I know- I really understand it's just something I thought Elliey would use as an opener... I'll think of something and probably change it soon enough! Thanks for the input and I hope you stick around :)
XOXOX,
LLG


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Review #8, by maskedmuggle Retreats and Secret Spilling

15th July 2013:
Hey!

Oh I really liked reading more about Eilley and Carr - they seem to have a really great friendship! Again, I thought your dialogue was well written. I liked how this conversation conveys the closeness of the two - they were both confessing private things, but sharing it with each other. I was surprised about Carr liking Fred - it'd be interesting to see where you go with this minor(?) or maybe major, side plot, and Eilley liking Scorpius! I notice Scorp hasn't really come into the story yet, so it would definitely be really awesome to see what kind of a character he is in your story! An enjoyable read~

- Charlotte/maskedmuggle
House Cup 2013

Author's Response: I KNOW! *Head down in shame...* I will have him appear in chapter five I swear.. I wanted three and four to go together but I thought the gypsy tent should stand alone. The friendship with Elliey and Carr is just like two that I have IRL so it is just so easy to write.
I hope to see you again!
XOXOX,
LLG


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Review #9, by maskedmuggle The Library, my CRS, and the Counter Attack

15th July 2013:
Hey again!

So like I thought, there was another Albus/Eilley interaction! Lol at Albus' nickname - like I said, I really like the individuality/uniqueness of Eilley's character - she's a bit unusual, but it's a type of unusual that's fun! The dialogue was well written, which is great, since it took up the main part of this chapter. I thought perhaps you could have spent a bit more time explaining how they came up with the counter attack and set about doing it - it seems a bit short, but it was fun to read about anyway. Haha at the ending.. let's see how they get their way out of this one!

- Charlotte/maskedmuggle
House Cup 2013

Author's Response: Yeah. I read a few fanfics where they pick on Al by calling him Allie- Ricecake was invented my my friend Mckenna because she is my Vanilla Wafer... Elliey is probably how my future child will act because I am the same way...

I will add onto the prank and explain it- there were a few requests to already.. I'm thinking mission impossible music and green and black war paint.. Maybe some crying firsties... Well thats all for this review!
XOXOXOX,
LLG


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Review #10, by maskedmuggle My Back up Tryouts and a Suprise

15th July 2013:
Hey!

Once again, a really enjoyable chapter to read! Eilley's internal thoughts are very entertaining to read through. I liked the interaction with James/Albus(?) Potter - you actually use both of their names, so I'm not quite sure which one exactly it was! This kind of reminds me of James/Lily, and I'm eager to see what other interactions are to come. As for Carrington, she seems like the kind of friend that any lucky girl usually has - supportive, encouraging, always an excited person. Nicely written! :)

- Charlotte/maskedmuggle
House Cup 2013

Author's Response: Enjoyable? Aww thanks :) Sorry I was told there was a mix up and it shall be addressed ASAP.
Al and Elle are both wildcards so we'll see haha
And I love Carr- but I want to make her have a violent streak soo bad and I don't know why... she might later on.
Thanks again!
XOXOX,
LLG


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Review #11, by maskedmuggle Talk of Rabbits and Game-ception

15th July 2013:
Hey!

I actually thought this was a really great opening chapter! I really enjoyed getting to know Eilley - I found her characterisation very appealing and likeable. I also really liked the way you wrote this - sometimes the introduction to the characters, outlining their background, who they are.. can get a bit tedious, but I thought you made this really interesting - I was really engaged throughout! I'm a bit unsure about her really long name - it's a bit cliche, but I liked reading about the conflict with James/Albus.

I like the idea of this friendship group. Certainly never heard of Scorpius being called "He is my teddy-bear" but something about that just made me smile. Another little bit I liked was her sending Ginny an owl (good way to get back at James!). I really look forward to reading the rest~

- Charlotte/maskedmuggle
House Cup 2013

Author's Response: I am happy you liked the revised chapter- the first was a tad rough..
As for the long name: my friend Emily and I decided that was how every pure-blood family was if the middle names weren't announced- so you can see I had fun with that...
I like the friendship alot- but now looking back I see I am all three merged into one- Elliey is how I see myself (crazy and clumzy), Scorp is how my teachers see me, and Carr is how my friends describe me.
I hope you do read the rest- there is more to come :)
XOXOX,
LLG


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Review #12, by AlexFan Talk of Rabbits and Game-ception

3rd July 2013:
Hey! I'm here with your requested review!

Alright, well I think you've got an interesting start and it does sound kind of cliche but everything has been practically done so it's kind of hard to be really original.

I can't say that the characters sound exactly crazy because I haven't seen them do anything crazy. From the descriptions I'm the story they sound just like any normal teenagers.

The biggest thing that I think you have to deal with here is grammar and punctuation errors. I'll come right out and say it, there's a lot of them and it interrupts the general flow of your writing. They stand out and they're very noticeable. Some of your sentences are hard to understand because they don't make sense so I would suggest fixing that.

My advice would be to read over the chapter out loud because that's often when you find out the mistakes that you've made in your writing. You could also get a beta user to help you out and look over your chapter. They're really helpful and they come across things that you maybe skipped of didn't see.

Author's Response: I have been trying to make sure they aren't clique. Mostly because they are based on my friends and myself: as you said everything seems to have been written though. I am going to look for a beta for this story but they ask that when you look for story betas that you take two weeks in between each post for each story. Thanks for your input
XOXO,
LLG


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Review #13, by LilyLou Retreats and Secret Spilling

2nd July 2013:
LilyLou here with your requested review!

Okay, lets get down to business.

-Your spacing throughout your chapters is all uneven. It's an OCD of mine. Some won't be bothered by it, but I am, just a tad.

-In Chapter Three, when Carrington and Elle set up their prank, you need to elaborate more! I was excited to read about it; but it was very vague. Add in amusing details. Make the reader want to read more about your story! Don't let them think it's too vague to find interest in.

-You seem to get through the story quickly. Your first chapter seemed to elaborate well, but as you move on, you become more and more vague. I go through again and again and again to add details to my writings- and I still come off a little vague! The best thing I can think of you to do would be to go through and revise your story- keep along the plot line that you've written now- it's great!- but add details in on some parts that you think are vague. Really look at your writing, as if it were someone else's and not your own. Ask for other Requested Reviews from others on the Forums- they can help you with this problem as well. It's still a good story, but we want you to exceed expectations!(:

-When they were talking to Fred, you had his complete focus on Elle- and then he randomly spoke to Carrington. That's fine- it's just that Elle was speaking to Fred, and he was responding, until in the middle of it, he spoke to Carrington. It was a bit confusing. Very minor, easy to fix.

It's a great story so far, LittleLionGirl, it truly is. Keep it up, and don't let anything anyone says discourage you! That would be giving up; don't give up. You have an amazing gift that's just beginning to shine through. Keep it up!

Keep writing!

-Janelle(:

Author's Response: I am very sorry for my spacing.. I just tend to roll with it because I only ever view these before I post them and I never look at it again so sorry.
As for the prank I am sorry I will go back eventually and add more detail. I put in about two hours literally for each chapter and then posted it. Hence the typos that will need addressed.
For Fred I originally had him staring at Carr the whole time and then cut it out because he sounded too creepy.
Thanks for the complements and CC. I think I will stick with this story for a long time because in a way it is my own.
XOXOXOX,
LLG


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Review #14, by LilyLou My Back up Tryouts and a Suprise

2nd July 2013:
Hey, LilyLou here with your review request!

I've decided to leave two reviews; one now, one in chapter four. I was going to leave just one, but this chapter requires one of it's own, I think!

Okay, so first off, the pros-

-I enjoy the humor of your story. I like how you make your character light and happy, along with clumsy and crazy. It's a cliche character; I love it.

-You elaborate well. Some authors don't care to elaborate much, and throw you into something leaving your brows furrowed. There were a few things (Like Albus asking her out in third year) that you maybe could have mentioned beforehand, so we at least had an idea that he may possibly liking her, rather than asking her out of the blue.

The Cons-

-Don't take this the wrong way. I am not very gifted in the grammatical section myself, though there were a few typos within the two chapters so far. Like when you said "James I've known you for twelve years. You never apologize." She was talking to Dear Ole Alby, not James. Just a very minor thing that's a common mistake, though I figured I'd point it out!(:

-I think Carrington's name changes every other sentence. I'm not sure if she has multiple nicknames, or if you're mistyping, but there were parts where you called her Carrie, and others where you called her Carly, and so forth. It's alright; I've seen it before. I still think you're perfectly fine!(: Just a minor mistake. Easily fixed, if you ask me.

-The OOC on Albus is a bit prominent. One second, they absolutely despise of one another, and never had any past of romantic relationships, and the next second he's asking her out. It was all a bit confusing; it left my brows furrowed (Gosh, I love to say that. It's funny- brows furrowed... Sorry, back on topic!:D.) A fix to this would be easily fixed by going back through your FIRST chapter and revising it so you can mention that in third year Albus had, in fact, taken a fancy of her. Let the readers know beforehand, so they aren't confused later. Confusing can chase away readers, and we certainly don't want that!

So far, it's a good story. I hope I haven't offended you in any ways- don't be! I'm glad I can return the favor of reviewing for you after all of Dragon Wings, Love-Bites, and Something To Do With Marbles you've reviewed on, as well as my one-shot Fragile. You're the reason I've been working on that one-shot quite recently- thank you!

Keep writing!

-Janelle(:

Author's Response: Thank you for enjoying my humor- most of that is something that resembles my thoughts during actual conversations.
Carrie, Carr, Carly are just multiple nicknames I gave her; I tend to do that to everyone so I apologize but it was intentional as to not have you read the same name over and over and over again
As for Elle- she is me though and through but clumsier...
For Al I think it was a hate- then love and then hated her because she denied the famous Al Potter..
Chasing away readers? Usually I do that with a large stick...I am kidding- kind of.
I am glad you are continuing with your story :)
Thanks for the review!
XOXOXOXO,
LLG


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Review #15, by KiwiOliver Retreats and Secret Spilling

30th June 2013:
Back again! (Hopefully not for the last time) with your RR:
Not too much happened in this chapter, it was more a sort of revealing of truths between the two characters, it's not a bad thing, in fact I liked it a lot. It makes a good change from the fast paced pranking and Quitdditch and love-y dove-y stuff :)
As usual your characters are perfect and the conversation seemed to flow really well :)
I know these last reviews aren't as long as the first, but I don't really like repeating myself. ON THE OTHER HAND:
I must say that I really like the direction you're going with this, your writing style is very good and it flows without need to worry. :)
Hope to see you re-requesting when the next chapters up :)
KO

Author's Response: I actually had debated smashing chapters three and four together at one point but I felt the gypsy tent of awesomeness needed its own chapter..
Usually my conversations are inspired by ones that I have had in real life (though not as dramatic) and added in with the side notes in my head. As soon as I write another chapter I will let you know (once it is actually my turn...)
XOXOXOX,
LLG


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Review #16, by KiwiOliver The Library, my CRS, and the Counter Attack

30th June 2013:
KiwiOliver again with your RR:
I liked this chapter quite a lot, there was more development in this one which is always good, you don't want your story to go to a standstill after all!
Overall a really good chapter, I don't want to bore you with the same compliments as the other two :p But a nice idea and good characters :)
The only bit of CC would be, how did they manage to get into the Gryffies common room unnoticed? A line or two explaining how they got in, would be helpful to the reader :)
Good job!
KO

Author's Response: Thanks! I am trying to shy away from the fluff a tad (just a tad don't worry) and develop a plot in this madness. I will remember to add that in once I get caught up a bit after the queue closure..
Thanks!
XOXOXO,
LLG


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Review #17, by KiwiOliver My Back up Tryouts and a Suprise

30th June 2013:
Hullo, KiwiOliver back again with your RR:
Overall a fun chapter, quite well written (there are a couple of minor grammar mistakes, nothing major but maybe send it off to a Beta on the forums? Or check out the Grammar guidelines section, feel free to PM me if you can't find it).
I like your characters, they seem really believable and real, the only thing I wasn't too keen on was James' line about being fat. I found it a bit rude and it wouldn't be the type of line someone would say without reason, I suppose you could always develop the reason later :) So it's not a biggy.
I liked how your protagonist has flaws, she's clumsy and gets injured a lot :p it makes her more human and really adds to the story. :)
Your writing style is really nice and I don't remember if I mentioned this last time but, I really like the side comments from Eilley :)
I'll review your other chapters in due course :) So see you soon!
KO

Author's Response: Thanks! I knew there were some mistakes somewhere.. I think I'll ask for a beta because I really dislike seeing my own carelessness..
As for James. When I think of James I think if he doesn't like you he won't be shy about it- but the reason will me more in depth later maybe..
As of the clumsy behavior: that is how I feel some days when I am overly dramatic AND do things like trip up the stairs...
Thanks for liking the side comments haha, normally I have similar thoughts in my head so they were easy to add in :)
XOXOXO,
LLG


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Review #18, by KiwiOliver Talk of Rabbits and Game-ception

29th June 2013:
Aw what a lovely chapter :)
I love fluff, you can't go wrong when mixing me with fluff. And I should point out that you've done a brilliant job making it fluffy! I loved the thoughts of Eilley and I think you've made her a really believable character! You've done a good thing making her real and not a Gary-Stu that everyone likes and thinks is perfect. I love how she likes Scorpius! Add's some nice drama into the Sco/Rose we've all become so familiar with!
Your story flowed really well, you managed the transition from talking about her friends to her enemys really well.
Though you haven't got an actual plot yet, (as you said in your AN) you've set up a lot of possibilities, her love with Scorp, her battles (and possible future love?) with Al. Lots of mischievous fun that us Slytherins love :)
An overall really good chapter, with some solid ideas.
Hope to see you re-requesting this because I'm intrigued as to where it's going!
KO

Author's Response: Thanks so much for your kind words. I was sick of writing stories with a lot of depth without any results and I figured why not actually have fun writing something? Your opinion means a lot because it is all I have had publicly on this
I won't give up on this!
XOXOX,
LLG


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