Reading Reviews for In Protection Of A Sister
4 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Dojh167 In Protection Of A Sister

30th May 2015:
I adore the Black sisters and anything that puts a fresh twist on them, so of course I have to read this. I have always been quite fascinated with Narcissa, and I'm glad to see that you gave her more depth than she is sometimes granted.

Bellatrix, though only featured briefly, was very believably in character.

I found that in several cases your sentence seemed to run on in odd structures, making them hard to follow and detracting from the flow of the piece. Try only including the words that you absolutely need and playing with the rhythm of the sentences so that they match the emotional intensity of the moment in the story.

I like how you captured the contradictions of Narcissa's prejudice, showing her both very determined to 'save' her sister at the same time as showing her snobbish superiority. I always imagined Bellatrix would visit Andromeda after her engagement to rub her face in her shame, but it definitely makes sense that Narcissa would visit for kinder reasons. I also found it touching to realize that Narcissa was still in school at this point, and was still quite young and naive by association.

The part where she said Ted was the most compassionate person she knew seemed really odd to me, seeing as she had only just met him and hadn't seen any demonstration of his compassion.

There were a couple of spelling and grammar issues, including a few questions that were missing question marks.

You definitely did a good job of capturing Narcissa's character. She seemed very self-righteous in a selfish way, and you did a good job with the balance of her doing what she thought was right while showing that she didn't have much compassion or true empathy beyond her selfish impulses.

I realize this sorry was written quite a while ago, so I give my critique with a grain of salt, knowing that your work may have changed since then and the same advice may not be necessary.

Good job with this one shot! =)

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Review #2, by rogue_bludger In Protection Of A Sister

20th April 2013:
poor narcissa! this is such a great portrayal of her, and
i absolutely love it!

Author's Response: Thank you, i'm glad you like it, i wanted to show a softer more vulnerable side to her.

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Review #3, by Athene Goodstrength In Protection Of A Sister

30th November 2012:
Hi Secret Passion,

First off, I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to review your entry into the Strange Meeting Challenge. Real life totally got in the way! But thank you for joining the challenge and writing this story, it’s much appreciated. By the way, that’s a lovely banner you’ve got there - Helen McCrory looks fab. This is one of the pairings I was most looking forward to reading, as I’m fascinated by the dynamic between the Black sisters.

The first section does a good job of setting up the story. It introduces the atmosphere of menace (and it’s interesting that the older Narcissa we see is afraid and intimidated, in a ‘designated’ seat in her own house - whereas the younger Narcissa is arrogant and proud of her powerful boyfriend), and it also raises lots of questions, which I always think is a great thing to do at the start of a story. Why did Narcissa warn Ted? How did she warn him? How does she feel now?

I liked the simile ‘like a cold knife’, it captures that sense of sudden shock very well. And the phrase ‘finally free’ is a good one too - it reminds us of the concept that to Voldemort and his followers, Muggleborns were thieves, and as far as they’re concerned, Andromeda has practically been stolen. It made me think, too, of Voldemort’s origins - his mother ‘entrapping’ his muggle father.

There are a few issues with grammar and missed words that at times made this story a little hard to read, which is a shame as I feel like your characterization and details are very good - having to wade through long sections of text without a comma can detract slightly from the many positive aspects of your writing. There are a couple of muddled moments - you seem to imply that Narcissa is sleeping in the Common Room, rather than a dormitory, and you go from Narcissa not knowing Ted, to him being one of the most compassionate people she knows. Oh, and at one point she appears t remove her fingers and place them on the kitchen table? It’s just a nuance of punctuation, but it can make all the difference. The punctuation and missing out of words becomes more noticeable as the story continues; I wonder if having a second pair of eyes, such as a beta, look over your writing might help give it that little tweak it needs. I know you entered this story into a challenge, not a review thread, so I hope you don’t think I’m being mean - but there is so much that I enjoyed about this story that I just wanted to suggest a couple of ways of improving it to make it even better.

I really admire that your characterization of Narcissa doesn’t make her entirely sympathetic; she wouldn’t be the Narcissa we know, if you had. She’s still cold and ruthless (particularly when she thinks that she can use Lucius to ‘get rid’ of Ted!), as well as bigoted and snobbish (that line about the kitchen made me laugh out loud - it’s a very Austenian observation you’ve made there, it’s brilliant) but you’ve also shown us that she genuinely thinks she’s doing the right thing. I actually feel very sorry for her as the mask begins to slip, and we see her as a frightened young girl who’s scared of losing her sister. The line, “Andromeda was choosing this man over her. Did she not realise how much she loved her?” broke my heart a little!

I like the ending but it did confuse me a little - does she ever actually risk her life for Andromeda? I was sort of expecting the story to end by going back to the opening scene, both to bookend it and to see how Narcissa finally responds to what Voldemort has told her. That said, I enjoyed reading this story very much and think if you ever wanted to expand it (maybe writing what would happen if she ever saw Andromeda again, or what Lucius thinks of it all, or whatever) you would do a good job of it.

Thanks for entering the challenge!
Athene xo

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Review #4, by Karoline In Protection Of A Sister

10th November 2012:
OMG! All your stories are so good! Where do you get all these amazing ideas from? You're brilliant!

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