Wow, as I said in the thread, you're fast.

And I love the reference to classic children's literature. The classics were pretty popular when I was little, more so than they appear to be now and The Secret Garden used to be on TV quite often.

When she thanks Ron, the sentence afterwards, "She gave him a hug", should begin with a capital letter.

On the other hand, when he is telling her that Hugo is getting on the train too, the "he said" afterwards shouldn't have a capital "h". There were one or two other places too, where you gave the "he said" or "she said" a capital letter.

Basically, if you are saying "he said" or "she said" or "he asked" or anything like that, it's part of the same sentence as the speech, so it doesn't get a capital, whereas if you are just starting a sentence afterwards, it has a capital letter.

You've also said he was "clearly trying to make ME feel better" and begun the next paragraph with "we" when you've written most of the rest of the chapter in the third person.

Love the paragraph where Lily is thinking about what she'd never have.

I really like your interpretation of Lily's family life. It's very different from most versions I've seen. Most people portray the Potters as a really happy family. I think this is only the second time ever I've seen it done otherwise and the other only hinted. So really good to see something a bit different.

Oh wow, that comment about how she is never fine really gained my sympathy for her. Poor kid.

Yikes, that stuff about "who's the unlucky guy?" is a pretty horrible way to speak to an eleven year old.

I'm wondering whether James and Albus are really bullies in this or whether it's just the way Lily perceives things. That comment about the unlucky guy makes it seem like they are. That's sort of verging on harassment and not just ordinary sibling teasing.

I can really feel how she is feeling as she walks through the train. You portray her feelings very well.

You are really good at description. I'm not much good at that, so your description of the garden she imagines impressed me.

While it's not really wrong, that part where you said what the boy was thinking seemed kind of out of place as the rest of the chapter is third person limited from Lily's point of view. It's like we've suddenly jumped out of her head and into his.

On the whole, this is a pretty intriguing start to a story. I'm interested to see where you are going with this and looking forward to getting to know Lily and the rest of her family better.

Adding this to my favourites.

Author's Response: Thanks very much :D I think the Albus thing is mostly him showing off infront of his mates as I know some siblings do (my brother included :P ). Thanks for the feedback, I'll take it all on board and will edit where necessary :D This has made me a lot more confident so thanks :D I'll make sure to get the next chapter written soon but am participating in NaNo (national novel writing month) so it might take me a while as I am focusing on an original piece for that :) Thanks again for setting up this challenge and making this review it's helped a lot :D
Sophie

 Report Review