Reading Reviews for Keep My Girl
  
6 Reviews Found

Review #1, by LovlyRita Memories of Somebody Else's Life

13th December 2012:
A Lily/OC story! How very rare indeed!

Well, I liked this little one shot, even though the ending was a little bittersweet. Obviously she ended up with James, who she cared for a great deal, but lost out on Aiden, who seemed to be the love of her life.

I liked the way they began their relationship, poor Lily falling and hitting him! But it really seemed like they hit it off well and thrived together.

As far as the writing goes, you did well here in first person. I think the pacing was a bit fast toward the end, as we've barely been introduced to these characters and then all of a sudden half their life and schooling is done in a few short paragraphs. Of course, that could be your intention, to illustrate how fast life goes a bit, but I still think a little more time spent on the relationship earlier on would make the reader a little more empathetic and sad when they end up breaking up later in the chapter.

Just some thoughts, take them or leave them :)

Over all I thought this was a great little one shot, nice job!

Author's Response: Hey there!

Thank you for you feedback. I know Lily/OC stories are very rare, mainly because nobody likes the OC that keeps Lily away from James.

I know it was fast paced, but I wanted to show that even though everything passed by her in a blur, he really did make an impact on her and helped her grow into the woman that, indirectly, saved the world!

Again, thank you for taking the time to review! :)


 Report Review

Review #2, by classicblack Memories of Somebody Else's Life

7th December 2012:
Hi, it's Ali from the Holiday Review Swap!

I really liked this one-shot. Being a hardcore Jily shipper, it's hard for me to like a fic where Lily isn't paired with James for most of the time, but you made it completely ok. I loved Aidan and Lily's time with him. Also, the way you made it turn out that Lily was reminiscing about this at her wedding to James was wonderful. It really tied the whole story togther.

This story felt a little "The Notebook"-esque where there's a first love and a second, except that you reversed it and made Lily end up with James in the end, which I liked. I also thought it was interesting that you had Lily tell Aidan that he had to go out into the world and be an Auror and end the war to stop more families from being torn apart. It was very creative because Lily is eventually murdered and leaves behind an orphan in the fight against Voldemort, just like Aidan's parents did to him. And then Harry went out and fought against Voldemort just like Aidan did, leaving behind the girl he loved. I really enjoyed the parallels.

One thing that you could improve on is your characterization of Aidan. His only flaw was that he retreated inside himself when his parents died, which isn't really a flaw because that's completely normal. I know it's a one-shot and it's hard to get some characterization into it, but why not try not making Aidan completely perfect? Just a little quirk to make him more easily connected to.

Overall, wonderful job and thanks again for the review on Wishful Thinking!
Happy writing,
classicblack

Author's Response: Hey there!

This story was challenging to write since Jily is my "mothership" so to say. But a challenge is a challlenge.

As for the characterization of Aidan, the story is in first person and I was writting it from Lily's POV, so I wanted to get across the fact that she kept only the good memories of him because in the end that's how you remember somebody who was dear to you. And seeing as he helped her grow, she has fond memories of him.

Thank you for the lovely review!


 Report Review

Review #3, by parashar_harry Memories of Somebody Else's Life

19th November 2012:
really luv it.
be straight i am not so fond of maraduer era however i like to read lily/sev short stories or remus/lily. i started reading it because i thought its lily/sev fic.

but to be honest, i completely enjoyed it. this Aidan is sweet boy.
flow in this story was really good, story was moving very fast and i never felt bored.
why Aiden didn't come to escort lily, it would be more romantic as well as sadistic, seeing her luv getting married to someone else.
is he dead?
10/10

Author's Response: Hello again and thank you for reading!

As I see it, when they got married there was a war going on so many of those that joined the resistance against Voldemort would be out fighting. Also, I think it's rather cruel to have your ex give you away at the altar. I wouldn't do it, personally. And since we know Sirius was best man, Remus just seemed the right person for Lily to walk with.

Thank you for the feedback!


 Report Review

Review #4, by caoty Memories of Somebody Else's Life

3rd November 2012:
Hey, I'm here from the common room.

So Lily/OMC is not a normal pairing, especially since half the fandom say Lily/James is the Holy Grail of het pairings and the other half say it's Lily/Sev. (Though there are the Lily/Sirius and Lily/Remus shippers too... anyway.) I like unusual, so well done for trying it.

This romance is cute and sad, but I wish you'd show us more, rather than telling us, what the initial interactions between Lily and Aidan are. It's hard to warm to Aidan as a character otherwise, at least in my opinion.
What I'm saying is: more Lily/Aidan dialogue, please, so we can get crushes on Aidan too.

I like your Lily, though, so well done there.

Hope this review wasn't entirely useless, and I'll see you 'round. :)

Author's Response: Hello! Thanks for your review, it was actually quite helpful.

I actually didn't inted to have much dialogue in this, because the whole point was to get across the choice Aidan had to make between duty and his girl. The lines of dialogue were there to show how Lily was in the beginning, a scarcasting teenager and how she grew in just a short period of time, a year or so, because of this boy's impact in her life.

Thanks for the feedback!


 Report Review

Review #5, by WhiteRose Memories of Somebody Else's Life

29th October 2012:
That was really good, I liked it a lot. You could really see the song in the story and that was exactly what I was looking for. Good Job:)
-Chelsie1992

Author's Response: I'm so glad you liked it. I admit I struggled a little with the song at first but I guess that's why it's called a challenge. :) thank you for your feedback!

 Report Review

Review #6, by Anon Memories of Somebody Else's Life

28th October 2012:
I prefer James to Aidan. Just saying...

Author's Response: The challenge was to write a Lily/OC story and so I had to write by the rules, so to say. Thanks for expressing your opinion!

 Report Review
If this is your story and you wish to respond to reviews, please login