Reading Reviews for In the Broom Cupboard.
  
6 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Pixileanin  The 12 hours in the cupboard.

18th December 2012:
Tag! You're it! No, wait. Wrong game. I'm just tagging you from the Review Tag on the forums is all.

This was a really cute little one-shot with Albus and Lily. The way that you peppered the piece with cuteness like this:

"Ow! Lily, tell your... fluff to stop chewing me!" Albus cried.

... really made it a fun read. I think Lily was a great little sister and I liked how Albus was able to change the way he thought about her at the end of the story. Sometimes spending some forced time with someone really lets you see them in a different light. I guess having a common enemy helps a bit too.

Cute, cute, cute!

Author's Response: Thanks for the amazing review!
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Review #2, by PhoenixFlame8629  The 12 hours in the cupboard.

5th December 2012:
I really loved this! I thought that it was sweet how Albus liked his sister better after being trapped with her in a broom cupboard. If I were trapped with my brother in a broom cupboard, he would be dead in the first 25 seconds.

Author's Response: ha ha ha! I don't think you would die... in the first 25 sec.! maybe in the first min. :D

I am really happy that you liked this!
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Review #3, by teh tarik  The 12 hours in the cupboard.

12th November 2012:
Hello! Review tag here!

So this is a lovely fluffy piece of writing! (And I liked how you included a Pygmy Puff, which Albus keeps calling fluff!)

There's a really nice development on Albus and Lily's sibling relationship, and I enjoyed the part where sensible Lily suggests they do something like cleaning up the broom cupboard so they can be a little more comfortable. It's quite nice and lovely, and their sense of unity at the end and the way Albus stands up for Lily to Mike is heartwarming.

There are a few grammatical and spelling errors along the way (you tend to spell "minutes" as "minuets"). Also, I think Bat Boogie Hex is actually a Bat Bogey Hex. I mean it would be really interesting to see a hex about bats boogie-dancing! So maybe write a story on that :)

OK, great writing!

Author's Response: Thanks for the lovely review! And I am going to have to fix that mistake. Though that would be interesting!

I thought I didn't do that well, so hearing good feedback was nice.

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Review #4, by Jchrissy  The 12 hours in the cupboard.

10th November 2012:
Hi there! This was a cute little read!

I think the idea of Scorpius and Albus being foes is a fun one, considering they're normally portrayed as friends. That as well as the idea of Albus having a sort of jealousy issue with James. That seems like it would be natural, considering James was the first born and named after their own grandfather.

Lily was an adorable first year in this. I don't have any brothers, but friends of mine that do always loved spending time with their older brothers, mainly to annoy them when we were younger, so I think that was a cute idea.

You do have a decent amount of spelling/grammatical errors in this that you may want to read over and fix before the challenge is judged :). Just remember that in dialogue, if what comes after directly relates to the dialogue then there's a comma.

Example:
“Really?” She said through a yawn. *Should be*
“Really?” she said through a yawn. -- because, even though you do want that question mark because it's a question, the S in s is lowercase that has to be part of the dialogue. It can't stand alone.

Then--
“Yes." Albus replied-- should be
"Yes," Albus replied.

It may be worth to have a beta check over this to help with the rest of the errors if you have trouble spotting them. I know that, for me, my errors kind of just blend into the background and I read over them by mistake :P.

Nice idea to fit into the challenge, also. I think this would have been an easy situation to do something with people who had a crush on one another, so doing a brother sister combo felt really original!

Good luck on the challenge!

Author's Response: Thanks for all of your help!

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Review #5, by LadyOrobourus  The 12 hours in the cupboard.

10th November 2012:
Hello,

Nifty little Cutesy story, it was a fun read. There were a few things I noticed. :)

At first I thought it might have a bit more climax to it lol. It sort of reminded me of the way Ron and Harry were towards Hermione in the first book, they found her super annoying but once they found out they liked her it all got a little better.

It was sort of Cliche' and I found it lacking certain enthusiasm. Being locked in with the annoying little sister. I once had an annoying younger sister. In Albus' place, I would have been screaming and kicking at the door...

Your flow was great, but could have used a bit more dialogue.

Now back to the good parts, as I said there was the Awe moment of Albus standing up for his annoying little sister. Scorpious' irritable little prat personality was well written. Again cute story. :3

~ Lady

Author's Response: Thanks, I apprectiate the review.

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Review #6, by Pottergirl7  The 12 hours in the cupboard.

24th October 2012:
I liked it, it was very sweet. I just have a few pointers for future stories.
-Always make sure you check your spellings. Stuff like minuets is minutes.
-Loosen up with your writing. When you write dialogue instead of saying "yes I will do the spell" try saying "yeah I'll do the spell". Y'know how people speak normally.
-And finally, don't rush through your story. Include description and maybe some more inner thoughts.
Overall I liked it a lot, I'll have to check out some of your other stories too!
-Pottergirl7

Author's Response: :O!! Thanks so much for the review!! :D
First, my spelling SUCKS. I am done with homeschool now, so I should be better since I have real teachers. (Not that you are bad dad!)

And I am also bad at dialogue. :P My bad.

Thanks so much for the review!
Keep reading!
Phoenix.


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