Reading Reviews for Silent Kiss
  
10 Reviews Found

Review #1, by LovlyRita Silent Voice

24th December 2012:
Hello there, back for chapter two!

Ok so we've learned a little bit more about Khloe here. She can't speak, which is a really interesting development and something that i really haven't seen in a story before, so congratulations for that one :) She doesn't seem too pleased by Draco's presence and I don't blame her. I like that you've set it so that she's a year older than him, but he still has that familiar Malfoy attitude about him.

I like how Goyle asks "are you stupid" but seems mildly concerned about it. that seems like something he would totally do.

I think you have a very interesting story here and you've brought up two mysteries already- the one of her parents, and the reason that her voice is missing. I really like it. Just like last chapter, you've managed to make some great descriptions which flow well with the dialogue and you have kept Draco and his cronies in character which sometimes can be difficult to accomplish.

Well done :)

Ash
Slytherin Secret Santa 2012

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Review #2, by LovlyRita Khloe Moss

24th December 2012:
Hello there!

Well this is a very interesting and mysterious first chapter you have here! Your character of Khloe is very interesting, she seems kind of like a loner a little bit, especially given that she doesn't know who her roommates are after several years.

It seems as though she isn't entirely happy about living in the orphanage, so it makes sense that she wants to find out more about her parents, that's totally natural. It seems that this Mrs Blair is nice though and helped her grow up in a relatively good place despite the fact that she doesn't know much about her parents.

You have a lot of good descriptions here and I like the general style and flow of the piece. This is a great start to the story!!

Ash
Slytherin Secret Santa 2012

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Review #3, by my_voice_rising Khloe Moss

8th December 2012:
Hey raisha/maker of all gorgeous graphics! ;) I was so excited to see that you reviewed my story for the review swap, and of course I'm returning the favor.

I actually entered this challenge and totally slacked off, but I was really eager to see how others wrote their stories. HCA's fairy tales are some of my favorites, so I'm really excited to see yours.

And here we go!

First of all, I love the narrative voice you've captured. Your introduction is wonderful, particularly the bit about her fingertips tingling with magic. Secondly, your OC's name is beautiful; a very average, reasonable name and the vowel sounds play off one another just so. A really wonderful start.

That being said, I think you have a bit of conflicting language here; you speak in a very appropriate fairy tale-ish voice for most of the introduction, but there are some jarring modern words thrown in such as "made her want to hurl." Although that bit about firewhiskey and wet dog is funny, that sentence stands out as a bit awkward from the rest of the story. :)

And can I just give a resounding thank you for placing Khloe in an orphanage where they do not give out lashings, gruel, etc.? At first I was worried about your inclusion of the orphanage because it's so common in this kind of story, but I think you've already set it apart from the others and made it unique. In fact the worst thing that Khloe has to say about it is that there is no privacy, which is true and understandable. The fact that Khloe refers to it as her home, rather than "that place," etc., really speaks volumes.

I do wonder if she could really go years without knowing others' names, though, especially since they're in the same room and, I'm assuming, their personal belongings would have to be labeled to prevent confusion or theft. Maybe if you explain that other girls were coming and going out of the orphanage before they had a chance to meet one another properly? Otherwise I think it's a little hard to believe, although it does illustrate Khloe's preference for solitude nicely.

Also, I just realized that by making her drenching wet from rain in the first chapter, you've done some foreshadowing about "The Little Mermaid" and its connections to water, etc. Brilliant!

I love the precautionary line, Please be aware that some beings have no intention of being found. I wonder if this applies to her parents, especially the "creatures" bit?

So is it a Muggle or Wizarding orphanage? I thought it was located in/near Diagon Alley but they use cabs, and Mrs. Blair seems to not understand that Khloe is going to a magical school. Some clarification would help, unless you want to leave that part unanswered for now!

All in all, a really nice start! I'm adding this to my favorites so that I can keep up. :)

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Review #4, by wytchkitty13 Khloe Moss

6th December 2012:
Hi raisha/darkkid I'm wytchkitty13 here from the Holiday review swap :D

I really enjoyed reading this first chapter. I love the way you described Khloe and just picturing her in the rain was so vivid. It must have been really hard for her to be in that orphanage but at least she won't have to go back there. Looks like she's on her way to Hogwarts. It will be interesting to see what her life is like there.
Great first chapter! :D

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Review #5, by ChaosWednesday Silent Voice

4th December 2012:
Hey, it's Whiskey again!

Another pretty good chapter. I was truly shocked to discover that she was mute, although it makes sense that she would be, of course :P

Again, I missed insight into Khloe's mind. She likes peace and time for herself.Ok, understandable considering how it must be terrible,and annoying, to deal with talking people when you can't answer. But I got the impression she likes the quiet for other reasons? Maybe when she is alone, she can hear the air move or nature play or,eh, somthing of the sort. I know this might sound cheesy, but I think it would add some mystique to her being, imply a connection to nature and a knowledge that goes beyond words. I suppose I would like to see more details of how her muteness has affected her way of thinking. Also, just a parchment and quill? Surely in a magical world such as Hogwarts,there are other ways? Just a thought. I actually quite like that she seems so normal and doesn't have any crazy powers or insane gadgets!

I also liked that her encounter with Draco was so insignificant. Usually, a scene introducing the male lead is either instant love at first sight or hate at first sight, or something else overly contrived and dramatic. The way you did it seemed more real. The dialogue was also quite well writen and paced, I generally liked that part a lot and wouldn't change a thing :)

Another point I wanted to make was this: Hogwarts! We all love or hate that place, it's where the students spend most of their life. How does Khloe feel about it? She spent all summer in a Muggle orphanage...she must be excited? Apprehensive? She has been there for five years, no memories at all? It just seemed weird and made the impression that Khloe is a bit of a bore, a floppy fish with no emotions :P That can't be true, so tell us more about her!

Well, that's it, I hope I could offer you some usefull advice :)

Author's Response: Thank you! Everything you said has been registered and I'm in the process of editing!

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Review #6, by ChaosWednesday Khloe Moss

4th December 2012:
Hey there, it's Whsikey from the formus with a very belated review!

There are quite a few things I liked about this chapter, and several points where I would like to suggest improvement. But all in all, not a bad start at all!

I'm a bad news first kind of girl, so here is what I thought could use some work:

The intro. I like how you try to fit it onto the way the HP books started with a cozy, "once upon a time" sort of narration, which also hints at the fairytale background of the plunnie (right?). But while the idea was good, the execution of it seems lacking in exitement and suspese, to me. I am not sure what I would change exactly, but maybe handle her being a witch (and also not human!) with more pathos or drama.You describe her discovery of being a witch very huredly and blandly, like a shopping list. So while you could have cashed in on the magic of it all, you focused the reader's emotion towards Khloe wanting to find out about her parents, which is just less exciting. Try to leave more questions open in the intro, and add a detail or two, that should brighten it up.

Khloe's search for her parents: Although the secret heritage is an inexhaustable, ever-popular theme, it must be handled with care. What I wish I had gotten from this chapter was more of an idea of who Khloe is besides an orphan who wants to find her parents and, more importantly, what made her want to do it now? Did something happen that jolted her need for a soul-search? Did she discover new powers that she can't control? Why did she interpret "Keep her safe" as a hint at danger? Children always need to be kept safe, they are silly and helpless :P Does she *feel* like she is in danger? Do you see what I mean? It really helps to define the emotional world of an OC from the start, or else the reader will start projecting their own motivations and feelings onto her and ta-da you've landed into a Mary Sue trap.

Now to the good things!

Despite everything, I was hooked by your story simply because it has a lot of...soul? I don't even know what it is,but the tone itself just seemed so cozy and kind. One thing you managed was to pass on the feeling of steady rain and the kind of coldness that makes thoughts slow and melancholy and drives people to curl up under blankets and postpone everything until tomorrow.
Needless to say, the dampness and rainy-ness of the first chapter set the scene well for a story about mermaids. Kloe's calm thoughtfullness placed her in this watery environment very well, already suggesting to the reader that this is where she feels at home :)

Ok, I'm off to the next chapter, hope this was helpful ^^

Author's Response: I want to leave a long answer, but I can't so I'll just say thank you and I really appreciate you taking the time to come by and help me out!

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Review #7, by teh tarik Silent Voice

21st November 2012:
Hello! teh tarik here from the forums with your requested review :)

Before I get into the review proper, could you clarify something for me? So I skimmed through your first chapter because it was fairly short and so I can have a bit of context to this second chapter, and I came across this part:

Summer was at its close and her sixth year at Hogwarts School was just around the corner.

Then when I got to the end of this chapter, I read this:

He remained for several minutes before he spoke again. "Say, what year are you in?"

Khloe held up a hand and showed off five fingers.


Please clarify if this is her fifth or her sixth year at Hogwarts :)

Right, so this is an interesting story with a lot of potential, and of course, the The Little Mermaid spin on it makes it quite different. Khloe's voicelessness is not a common feature in OCs here, so there is plenty of opportunity for you to develop her into a well-rounded unique character. From this part:

She had never been able to speak. No one knew why or how it happened, but it was something she had always dealt with for as long as she could remember. Though she didn't mind, being quiet meant she had more time to herself, and there was nothing wrong with that

it appears that Khloe is comfortable with her muteness, that it is something which sets her apart from others and gives her the space she wants. While it's good to have characters feel comfortable with themselves, I would also like to see a little bit of conflict within her character; do think about how she communicates (on a deeper level) with others and how this is different from normal people, and how her muteness affects her social interactions with others. Also, do think about the varying responses others would have toward her - people can be sympathetic, indifferent, curious or initially repulsed, as Malfoy was. Character conflict will enable more thoroughm more rounded and generally more convincing characterisation. I do think you need to include more detail about Khloe - you could include a brief physical description, or details about her body language. You could intersperse some of her more intimate memories (of the orphanage or something) or thoughts with the prose.

As for Draco - well, I do think he's quite in-character. You've managed to accurately convey his characteristic prejudices, arrogance and there's a touch of cruelty to his actions as well. I quite liked the part where Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle walk into the compartment and begin talking without acknowledging Khloe's presence. It does sound like something they would do :) As this is a rather short chapter I can't tell yet how Malfoy will turn out, though I do find it very interesting that he sort of softens toward the end (just a little) into a sort of curiosity. It will be interesting to see how his character develops over the course of the story, along with his relationship with Khloe.

Apart from characterisation, I do think you should pay close attention to your language and word choice. For example in this sentence:

The rear of the Hogwarts Express was shockingly quiet.

"Shockingly" is a very strong word here, and it doesn't seem to fit too well with the description of the situation. I would recommend you choose a softer adjective/adverb, e.g. 'surprisingly'. Also, the sentence where Khloe waits "with bated breath" hoping she'll get the compartment to herself does seem a little extreme. "Bated breath" implies a sense of suspense, which is perhaps a little exaggerated given the trivial nature of the situation.

Other than that, there are a few grammatical errors here and there throughout the chapter. Nothing too major - but perhaps you or your beta could go through the chapter again to sort out these minor things.

Well, OK, I think your story's coming on nicely so far; there are hints that some major action is going to take place (I'm assuming Malfoy is referring to the Triwizard Tournament?) and it would be interesting to see what happens next. I look forward to reading on how you further develop your characters (Khloe definitely has a very unique background, and the fairytale elements sound promising). I hope I've not been too critical with this review and that it's been of some help. Thanks for requesting and good luck with future chapters.

-teh

Author's Response: This is the best, most detailed review I've ever gotten, thank you! (And it's SUPPOSED to be fifth year!) Sorry about that mistake!

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Review #8, by javct Khloe Moss

25th October 2012:
javct45 here with your belated requested review!

I really enjoyed this. Seriously. You had me hooked from the first sentence and then her backstory just made me very happy. She doesn't seem like the kind of character that could become a Mary Sue easily. I really like her.

The only thing that I picked up was this: The Orphanage / it shouldn't be capitalized (unless the name of the orphanage is The Orphanage). Apart from that I got nothing :)

Honestly there is nothing else I can say for this story: I adored it and can't wait for me. Please let me know when the next chapter is up!

Jasmine, x

Author's Response: Thanks so much!

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Review #9, by Roots in Water Khloe Moss

21st October 2012:
It's Roots in Water here with your review!

I'm very excited about this story because I really like "The Little Mermaid" (yes, even the Hans Christian Andersen version) and I'm interested to see how you relate this story to that one. I'm going to take a guess and say that she's a mermaid changed into a human by a spell? :)

Anyway, I think that you have an interesting beginning for the story. You've introduced the main character (and I like the possibilities "Moss" has as a last name, since it is related to dampness and, through that, to water) as well as parts of her past. Without straight-out saying it, you've shown us that she's not too emotionally attached to her present situation and that she really wants to figure out her past and who her parents are. She lived her childhood as a muggle, dumped off an orphanage in a similar fashion to Tom Riddle (did you do this on purpose?).

I think that the very beginning of the story was interesting as well. However, since it seemed like you were trying to start this story off like a fairy tale, I would add more description and more imagery to the first paragraph. Instead of saying "But being a witch was not her only abnormality" and leaving it at that, I would expand on the stories hidden in the sentence. What are her abnormalities? And why did she feel as though she was different? Those sentences sound very interesting and I would love to see why she feels that way about herself. Not only would it help the story to feel more filled-in but it would also be a great way to describe more of Khloe.

I did like the manner in which you include little hints about the future that aren't completely obvious and very interesting if one does spot them. You dropped a few hints about future events in this chapter that I saw and I have a few questions about them (which is a very good thing). Why exactly did the note say to keep her safe? Does it have more meaning than just the obvious desire to keep a child safe and healthy? And the disclaimer on the book is intriguing as well... Will it prevent her from being able to find her parents using that book?

Finally, though you've done a great job of laying down the basis and beginning of your story, I would include more details to fully round out Khloe's life. For example, who are the two girls in her room? Does Khloe know who they are or has she simply not cared enough to learn their names? And how does she feel about Mrs Blair? She said that she was a 'mother' to her and yet she doesn't regret having to leave the orphanage behind. These details don't have to be poetic, since you're not writing it like it's a fairy tale here... They just have to be relevant. After all, it's the small things that you include that can make your story come even more to life.

All in all I think that you have a great and interesting beginning for a story here. Your story flows well and I didn't see any grammatical mistakes. I look forward to seeing Khloe Moss discover the secrets of her life. Thanks for requesting a review and I hope that my comments are helpful! Feel free to re-request. :)

Author's Response: Thanks so much!

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Review #10, by Jchrissy Khloe Moss

18th October 2012:
Hi darling!

I love stories that have an OC from a very peculiar background. The fact that you started this off with pretty dark circumstances (orphanages make me teary eyed) instead of an OC bopping around with the Marauders or something was a really great way to get readers intrigued.

So for your OC seems human, she clearly isn't perfect because her curiosity led her into Knockturn Alley, and doesn't seem to have a lot of friends at the Orphanage. Having a realistic OC is probably what draws my attention in more than anything. Especially when she may come from such an... eccentric background!

I'm curious as to what she'll find once the book takes hold, or has it already?

Fascinating start! I hope you continue!

Jami

Author's Response: Thanks so much!

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