I think there are many things that really worked and also didn't work for this piece; so, here it is! Praise and critique~
First of all, what really makes this wonderful is the rhythm and flow. The constant repetition of "I am - ", constantly morphing into something else as the character herself little by little unravels bits of herself for us to see.
The use of strange images is refreshing and delightful - "unheimlich" "carpet burns" "diamonds".
I'm intrigued by the use of toothpaste and the mouth as a reference point for the theme of animal vs. human, false image of civility... However, I don't believe it works for this specifically. Especially the use of the brand, 'colgate' - it detracts a lot from the story and I'm not sure the toothpaste-metaphor works well for the fluidity.
However, I appreciate the originality and the contrast between a "clean mouth" and the lying one - contributing to the theme of false image of civility. Perhaps if THAT had been used instead - the words 'washed-clean mouth', instead of 'colgate', the effect would be a lot different.
I do understand that this was a work of stream-of-consciousness; and I do love the fluidity. Like poetry. In some ways there are very beautiful parts, and the experimental quality adds something to it.
There does seem to be something missing, though - I know it's not supposed to give away too much; the one-shot nature of this gives us much exposition as mystery... Maybe it is in need of some thorough editing. :)
Overall, though, I did enjoy reading it. I hope you aren't dissuaded, but encouraged to write more, as it's quite evident that you have a talent that with time and even more writing, will bud and produce beautiful works. :)
Thank you for the contribution to the archive!
~ spreaddapoo Report Review
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