I am annoyed. This is annoying. Not you, or the writing or anything, I mean I am actually annoyed right now that this stupid bloke doesn't just TELL FRED WHERE HE IS AND HOW TO GET TO THE NEXT STEP.
Sorry, I feel a bit better now that I've gotten that you, though. Really though, you absolutely did your job with this purgatory/limbo sort of place and creating the combination of frustration, fear, and down right anger. I was getting so fed up with the Fred/George but not Fred/George thing answering every question with a question. I mean, this boy has suffered enough. Though I suppose he doesn't even realize he's suffered because he doesn't remember what happened or anything he left behind...
Good god. You're giving me a seriously mind twist over here. In the best way possible, because I love when stories twist me up and make me really think. The fact that you managed to tell this in such a state of confusion, but still narrating it clearly, is so awesome. I've seen a lot of times when people try and get across this sort of extreme unknowing, it almost comes across as sloppy writing that hasn't been given enough care into what it's trying to say. But this.. my gosh. You writing is gorgeous like always, but more than that you know what you want to say and you say that clearly. You leave the character confused and the reader confused because Fred feels that way, not because of your writing. And that's such an awesome talent.
You took us back into these small memories of Fred's, though I suppose they aren't even so much memories because he still barely remembers a thing, in a really smooth transition in and out of the fog. I think keeping Forge in there, calling out while Fred is inside the sort of memory, was the perfect touch to tie them all together. In my head I have this really awesome visual of him going through these but still surrounded by the fog and a Forge off in the distance.
I promised myself I would make your review a million times more intelligible than my responses to your reviews, but now I'm blabbing on trying to get across how much I love this.
I'm excited to read the new chapter two. I hope when you rewrite it and switch the order, you'll PM me so I can come back and read all four in the new order!
As always, gorgeous job you amazing author, you.
♥ JamiAuthor's Response: JAMI ♥
Your review has pretty much PUREED ME GAH ♥ Honestly, all your lovely compliments mean so much to me you have no idea, so thank you so so much!
Yup, this chapter is definitely meant to be a bit of a mindtwist. It's because the story got out of hand - I mean originally this whole thing was just meant to be a quiet drama (with grief and all that) about the Weasley family post-Battle dealing with Fred's death and all...but somehow, aahh, something happened to the story :P And now I've begun writing Limbo.
That weird annoying Forge character that makes everyone want to push off a cliff is sort of inside Fred's head, and is /probably/ an extension of Fred's personality, and of his lost self. Hope this makes sense :P
And all those memories, they're kind of wrong. I mean, they're essentially right (the Weasleys did go to Egypt for a holiday and all) but they've been warped, whether through his sudden shocking death wiping out all traces of his earthly existence, or by something else. At any rate, whatever poor dead Fred is experiencing is certainly more than just regaining his memories and all :P
If all that sounds confusing to you, it's my fault :P I'm really experimenting with things and ideas in this fic, and hopefully some of them will work :)
Thank you for this amazing review, Jami! Of course it's intelligible! And I'm so excited that you're excited to see the changes ^.^ It will be some a few weeks before I get down to changing stuff, but I'll let you know! Thanks again *hugs*
teh ♥ Report Review
Hey teh! Here for your requested review. Apologies for the extreme delay!
First off, I have to say, don't worry too much and don't lose your confidence. You're a great writer so really, be confident in your skills =) This story is surely very unique and different, but this just proves how talented you're, so you really shouldn't worry so much.
I quite liked this chapter. I loved the way you described the "state" Fred is in. I was wondering throughout where exactly he is, and where he has to go from here. It was all very bizarre (as it should be), and had my curiosity peaked. The confusion and weirdness and what not Fred was 'feeling' was very evident throughout, and I really enjoyed your descriptions of everything through his eyes.
I can definitely see why you think you should swap this chapter for chapter two. It would certainly work well with the story flow and pace that way, so good decision =)
Your imagery is as always amazing. I absolutely feel drawn into the story, and you totally keep all my five senses "engaged". It's all very vivid and surreal, and I love it.
I am hoping that Fred remembers everything about his "living life" soon, as it seems like only then he'll be able to "move on" from the limbo state (?) he is in.
As I said before, you're a very talented writer and I am pleased the way the story is going. You really seem to have thought this through, and of course this takes a lot of imagination and out-of-the-world thinking, so hats off for that. I do have to say that the story, especially this chapter, can get a little heavy on the mind here and there though. Not 'heavy' in the sense of boring or lengthy way (because really your descriptions are superb and your narrative brilliant, so it can't get boring ever), but heavy in the sense that it is all a tad confusing. I had to re-read certain parts to really take in what was happening and even then I can't exactly grasp what is going on. Even George's thoughts were slightly muddled in the previous chapters. Of course, I understand that all these wayward style of thinking is your intention, but if you could ease up just a little bit (if possible), it'd be great.
You asked me if there's anything over-the-top here, and I'd say that no to that. It was surreal and bizarre yes, but not over-the-top. Nothing appeared as draggy to me, and everything fitted well. Of course the little bit of "weirdness" that came with the placing of this chapter will automatically be amended once you switch this for chapter two. I enjoyed Fred's voice immensely, as I mentioned before, you've described his thoughts really well.
The only CC I have is, it can all get a little heavy especially when you have so much "expression" in one chapter, so it'd be better to try and clear things up a little - ease up on the "muddled" writing style, if you can do that (and if it suits the story).
Apart from that, it was all pretty good and I am liking the story so far. The chapter was well-written, and oh I must commend you on your vocabulary - pretty good!
Great going! Keep writing!
P.S. Sorry if this review was a little repetitive or not very coherent, I am dead tired right now so just randomly putting down my thoughts and not really thinking about it!Author's Response: Hello AD ♥
Gah, thanks for this lovely review and the amazingly helpful CC! And don't worry about the delay; we're all busy people here :)
It's been quite a while since I updated this fic (my very first HP fanfic ^.^) and I did make a whole lot of notes for future chapters, but unfortunately they all got deleted -___- Originally this story was going to be a short one, a sort of Weasley family drama, but obviously things have got a bit out of hand and started changing on their own :P
I'm so so happy the imagery and descriptions worked for you and that some parts were very engaging! And yes, Fred is in a state of Limbo, kinda like Harry was in limbo in DH, but it's a lot less pleasant here and Fred basically has no memory at all. This chapter is definitely meant to be confusing and hazy and all, but that being said, I really don't want to go overboard with all that and I don't want to leave the reader fumbling in the dark trying to understand what's going on.
Thank you so much for pointing out that things can get heavy and a bit overwhelming. I was worried about that actually, and your CC has confirmed my suspicions :) I think I'll go through this chapter again and sort of remove bits and pieces, so to make it a bit easier on the reader. Perhaps shorten the chapter, or take out one or two scenes or something.
Thanks so much for dropping by and taking the time to read and review AD ♥ You've been so helpful and so encouraging with this review!
And I'm dead tired too; it's past 3am so I apologise if parts of this response don't make sense :P
teh Report Review
Hello it's HuffleyPuff here to give you your review. What I'm going to do is to to break things down into lies, dislikes and all that jazz.
First of I would like to say that I actually really enjoyed this because I found it really rather confusing to read. Your style of writing is completely new to me and because of this I am getting slightly confused by whats going on in your story, but the style of it is really good. So some chapters are from Fred's POV and he's dead and George pretend to be Fred and then Fred is dead in limbo...I am really rather confused about what's going on and so you may want to go back and clear some of that up >_> I'm normally good with understanding stories and things, but I was completely lost on this one. Because of the fact I'm not sure I understand what's going on I can't really talk about the plot, but I'm sure it's interesting and will turn out to be a great and interesting story in the end.
What I am going to talk about is the characters, you really only focus on Fred and George and I really think that you characterized them perfectly. When they were both alive you showed how close they were and how they were twins and proud of that. When Fred died, however, you can see how broken George is about it and how he tried to be Fred to get over his grief. You can really see how close the family was when he died and I really think you characterized everyone perfectly in this story and this is something I really can't complain about. I do love a story with some good characters who I can really feel for and connect with.
I also like your use of words, some of the words you use in the chapters are some that I wouldn't normally consider putting in my own stories, but they really enhance the mood of the depression and sadness of the story and I think you did that very well. I also like the length of the chapters, they are not too long or too short so you should continue writing them at this good length you have. It really adds to the feel. A story with too short chapters or too long ones really doesn't have a nice flow to them and then it becomes a story with too little chapters or far too many of them.
So that's all I really have to say about this, this is a nice start you have to a nice story- if not I found it a little confusing to read and I didn't really understand what was going on. Good luck and happy writing!
HuffleyPuff xAuthor's Response: Hiya Victoria :)
Wow, thanks for such a detailed and honest review! I absolutely love these :D I'm sorry you didn't understand most of what was going on, and I certainly hope this wasn't too laboured a read for you! I've tried to be very experimental with this fic. There are a lot of strange concepts and situations being explored in here, and some of it /is/ pretty confusing. I'm not really sure if things will straighten out, though :P The story so far is split into the two POVs of Fred and George - Fred is dead and caught in some sort of Limbo, while George is trying (and somewhat failing) to get on with normal life. That's basically the premise of the story :) Though of course, Fred's memories have been wiped clean by death and he's lost all sense of self and identity, and in whatever memories that slowly come back to him, there's a mix of what is true and what isn't. Right, I can see why you're confused bahah! Maybe I've made things a lot more complicated than they are O_O
I'm so happy that you actually read all four chapters! Thank you so much for that! I needed feedback on the latest chapter, or on the story as a whole so far, and you've given me just that.
And thank you for all your wonderful compliments on the characters! This is definitely a character driven fic, and I'm so glad you felt for or connected with the characters. And I'm glad you found the chapter lengths to be just right!
Anyway, thanks so much once again for this lovely review! I really appreciate you taking the time to do this! Cheers :)
-teh Report Review
Wow. That's it. Wow.
I was a ball of tense-ness that whole chapter. It had me on edge. I loved the way you really brought out the fact that George couldn't tell the difference between him and his brother, it made everything more dramatic.
The whole thing with Lee just made me mad - for the twins, that is. I was internally screaming at him for not understanding Fred was dead and that he had the wrong twin. Percy's line just about killed me too. *love*
The opening line was just fantastic. Hook, line and sinker. You brought all the emotions that were missed from the book, and brought them to life here. It could've easily been a scene from JKR's book.
I noticed quite a few minor errors and such, but not too much. The only thing is that it interrupts the flow of the story, catching your eyes on that one bit of mistake.
But all in all I loved it! You went seamlessly from paragraph to paragraph, feel to feel. Liz to ball of sobbing emotion. ;)
Liz!Author's Response: Hello Liz!
Thanks for your wonderful review :D You've left me so many compliments..gah ♥ I'm so glad you thought the opening was good and grabbed your attention. I was really trying to capture George's voice as best as I could. I just had to include Lee in this chapter because I ♥ Lee :D Though he won't have too big a role in the story.
It's been quite awhile since I looked at this chapter. I know there's one instance of an awkward tense but I really didn't know there were other errors as none of the other reviewers mentioned it. So thanks for telling me! I'll read through this chapter again and edit :D
Thank you so much once again for your lovely review, Liz! And thanks for being generous enough to offer free reviews on the forums!
-teh Report Review
Hi, Elphaba here!
Well, this chapter is definitely a departure from the previous ones, but as I read I found myself just as curious as ever to see where the story will lead. Don't despair, even if you are not feeling so confident about the direction it's going at the moment. :)
I can definitely see how this will fit better within the overall story if it is swapped with Chapter 2. I took a quick glance back at that chapter, and think that maybe the very first section could be added to this one. Perhaps you could even write a section to bridge the gap between these two chapters; the very last section of chapter 2 (where Fred recalls his death) might be a good place to start.
I continue to love the vividness of your writing; for instance, the fog "sponging up the wet grass and the water until it was so heavy that I felt it sliding against my skin, a clammy touch," and the "clay city, buildings like squat cakes."
I wondered as I read where Fred could be. Is this a dream? He asks that question himself, though, which makes me think that, no, it couldn't be. Maybe he's in purgatory, or in some in-between state -- somewhere between being a ghost and heading to the afterlife. That leads me to the question: How will he find his way out of here?
The last bit of dialog ("Where is there to go?" "I can't answer what you don't know.") makes me think that he may just need to remember who he is and what has happened to him in order to move on.
I like this open-endedness (asking questions like this is half the fun), and am content to move along in whatever direction the story takes me next.Author's Response: Elphaba, thank you for this absolutely lovely review! And for responding so quickly to my request :D I really needed feedback for this chapter because of the strange turn this story has taken, and your review made me feel ten million times better :)
I'm glad you understand my reasons for restructuring and reorganising the chapters! And thanks for your valuable suggestions; your reviews are some of the most helpful I've received so far.
Also, thanks for that lovely comment on the vividness of the writing!
There are certainly a lot of questions in this chapter, and quite a few will remain unresolved I'm afraid :P But what I'm trying to explore here is that idea of Limbo; in DH I think the place Harry went after he "died" was called Limbo, though he saw it as King's Cross Station. I was a bit inspired by what Dumbledore said about "Of course it's all in your head but that doesn't mean it's not real" or something like that :P So this chapter explores that, what is real and what isn't and what is made up and whether all of the above are mutually exclusive or not.
I'm so glad you didn't find the open-endedness a letdown! Some readers really like things to tie up.
Thank you so much for your absolutely wonderful review, Elphaba! I can't tell you how grateful I am for your input :DDD
PS: I've got quite a few chapters of Wicked Blood to catch up on, I see :P
Arrrgh, so sad!!
So, so sad!!
You've broken George, or maybe he was broken and you just SHOWED me how broken he was... And now I'm really sad. I probably need to go read a Dramione parody to cheer up. (Just kidding... I don't even like that ship!)
The grimbly-whatever was a really clever invention on your part, and as sad as it makes me to admit it, yes, I can see the Weasley twins doing drugs. As much as I'd like them to just be that crazy on their own... But having George take it and then use Polyjuice to turn into Fred was quite brilliant and heartbreaking, indeed.
I'll be honest, when he said that he was going to turn into Fred, I thought, "What's the difference?" I forgot that George had only one ear! When he got up onstage at the funeral... That was just even more sadness that I didn't like, but loved at the same time.
Because really, with your writing, even though you've put all of your syntax into a blender on purpose for this story, you've got me seeing EVERYTHING that goes on. I feel as if I'm right there with George, and that's what makes it all so sad. :(
The only part that made me laugh a little (not that this is SUPPOSED to be a humor story...) was when he wrote, "jokes on you mate" on the tombstone. But it actually wasn't funny at all. It's the kind of humor that funny people use as a defense mechanism when they're sad. And it's more pathetic than anything. (Here, "pathetic" means "arousing sympathy in others." Just thought I'd clarify!)
But yes, despite the extreme sadness of this whole chapter, thank you for breaking George. There are not a lot of people who write him immediately after Fred's death, but it's such an important thing for people to see. I mean, it's not like he just magically started being George again without Fred by his side. And after reading this, I believe he might never again be the George he once was.
Amazing, amazing, heartbreaking chapter!
~UnluckyStar57Author's Response: Hello Unlucky ♥
...your reviews are such an ego booster :P If you give me any more praise I'm going to burst :P
Thank you so much for this! I'm so glad you didn't find the short sentences and stuff like that disruptive to reading, and that you followed George's emotional state through this. I was constantly on the edge of my seat writing this, hoping it wouldn't be too overdramatic or unrealistic or plain silly. But so far the feedback I've got for this chapter has just been amazing. It really made me uncomfortable, writing George this way :(
And...it's totally OK to laugh at some parts (...in fact I'm secretly hoping people /will/ laugh baha). It's meant to be an impossibly ridiculous but tragic chapter. And yes, 'pathetic' is such an excellent word to describe all this mess!
And I don't know if George will recover. I mean JKR herself said he was never the same, sort of.
Thank you so so so much for your absolutely lovely review ♥ It's just made my day, week, year, forever, forever and a day.gah ♥ ♥ ♥
-teh Report Review
Hi, there! Tagging you from Review Tag!
I am so pleased to get a chance to come back to this story! I hear so many good things about it and I really should have made a point of reading more.
The beginning of this chapter was sort of strange. It had a disorganized quality to it, like a person struggling to find their point. Or perhaps to find themselves. Regardless, it set a very interesting tone for what was to come. Like Fred is doing his very best to maintain a sense of identity. Of being.
And then he goes into his recollections about contemplating death with George. I loved the idea of the two of them growing as old as Dumbledore together, but still looking for opportunities to prank Percy. So sad that it was never to be.
The unfocused anger and random destructiveness in the aftermath of Umbridge banning them from playing Quidditch was probably the part of the chapter that I found the hardest to get my head around. The idea of Fred and George venting in such a wantonly destructive way seemed a bit odd. Fred and George have always been about controlled, precisely choreographed mayhem in my mind. There's always a design behind their mischief, a master plan that perhaps only makes sense to the two of them, but is very real. Maybe I just missed something in your description, but this felt a bit off.
Anyway, the idea of the two of them coming upon replacement brooms and stealing off to the pitch was where the story reconnected solidly for me. Fred and George, blowing off steam as the rough-housed with a flotilla of bludgers was a great scene. The blackness of the nearly-moonless night added to the sense of toying with death in the way that only the two of them can. And then Fred nearly gets killed by three of them, only to be saved by his brother's almost instinctive reaction to the danger he's in. Again, a perfect twin moment. The way that they joke about Fred's serious injuries reminded me a lot of the scene in Deathly Hallows where George cracks wise about his severed ear.
That awkwardness that settles over the two of them when the topic of death comes up was a nice touch. They really are too young to contemplate the harsh reality of death in anything other than a joking manner. Fred's close brush was definitely too close for comfort. It put the topic front and center and even with their formidable ability to make light of anything, they couldn't quite shake the tension.
Lastly, we come to that terrible night at Hogwarts. The stark contrast between their joking dismissal of the non-reality of dying at a young age and the abrupt reality of Fred's death was well written. I loved the idea that Fred's last thought was of George. I can't see it being any other way.
You are a fantastic writer. You have a particular knack for using the visual element of how you put the words on the page to add some extra depth to your writing. I don't see that done very often, and it usually isn't very effective. Here, you made really excellent use of space and spacing, capitalization and the lack thereof. Very well done.Author's Response: Hello there! Wow, thanks for such a lovely review! It's such a detailed, insightful and honest one, and I can't tell you how much I appreciate these :)
I have to confess that this chapter no longer fits with the rest of the story (because I've been a bit experimental and all my story notes were deleted and I've had to start planning again). Thus, the entire chapter will be rewritten so it's a little more stylistically consistent with the newly validated Chapter 4 (where Fred also narrates again), and then I will swap this chapter around with no. 4. Yeah, it's all confusing as anything. I've been having a lot of doubts with this chapter as it is, and I'm so please to hear all that valuable feedback about what works and what doesn't work so well.
The beginning of this was just me trying to experiment a little :) Obviously, it no longer fits too well with the rest of the story, so I'm going to tone down things a little. I'll still try to work with space and voice and everything, but at a more restrained level.
I absolutely agree with you on your point about "choreographed mayhem" being much closer to the twins' style rather than random destruction. I've been becoming increasingly unsure about this scene, and it does seem a little over-the-top. And you pointing out how odd it seems really confirms my suspicions. So thank you so much for that. You've no idea how useful your comment has been!
I'm glad you like the other scenes, the bludger bit and the awkwardness...those will also have to be rewritten, though! In hopefully a more sensitive manner!
Gaaah, and the praise you gave me ♥ ♥ I'm just absolutely floored by all of it and I'm relieved and impossibly happy that you didn't find the stylistic weirdness too much or too disruptive to the reading process :)
Thank you so so much for your wonderful review! I hope you'll come back to this fic again!
-teh Report Review
I... I... I.
I don't even know what to say. Your last sentence just gave me the worst chill bumps EVER.
How did you DO that?! Here I was, thinking that this story was simply a one-shot--a rather GREAT one-shot--but no.
It's a story, and the fact that you've become Fred's ghost... Chilling.
Wait, no. Continue! Chill bumps are good things, especially at the end of such a chapter as this one.
In the spirit of coherent thought (who needs it, really?), I will say that I've found nothing out of place with this chapter. Everything was spot on, perfectly timed. I really enjoyed the story that he told about the Death conversation, especially since it came at a moment of near-peril. Through it all, I felt like I was actually there, seeing the kid get cursed, and then seeing Fred fall (not for the last time).
I also like the idea of the Weasley twins with long beards that they wrap like sashes around their robes... I only wish it would come true...
But Fred's PoV of his death... That was what got me. So... CHILLING. I hate the fact that he didn't even enjoy the joke he made as he laughed his way to death. I hate that he hates how he died as a punchline. By the way--that metaphor--is still echoing in my mind. It won't stop... SO much sad, sad feels. :'(
I know that this is the kind of story where it has to fall apart, I KNOW that... But first he was broken, and then he was THERE, and then he was broken again... I'm rambling, aren't I?
Sorry, but you're just too amazing. Stop that! No, wait. Continue!! :)
You've got amazing skills, so please keep being amazing. Forever.
P.S. Sorry for the incoherent-ness of this review. I'm just trying to find a way to express my reaction to this chapter... I hope I've gotten the general point across!Author's Response: Bahahaha! Your review made me grin like an idiot :D Thank you for this! You've just boosted my confidence by 12409812%, as this chapter is one of my least favourite chapters so far. I was so incredibly worried that I got Fred's voice wrong and all...and I was actually planning to rewrite this chapter and make it a bit more consistent with my newest chapter (4).
Fred is such a difficult character to catch, m. Completely opposite of the kinds of characters I like to write and I suppose throughout the length of this fic (and it will be a longer fic...much longer than a oneshot :P...) I'm going to constantly feel insecure about my characters :P But thank you so so much for your lovely words.
What you said about the everything being "spot on, perfectly timed" is just such a tremendous compliment. *teary*
THANKS SOSOSOSO MUCH HUGS HEARTS KISSES ♥ ♥ ♥
PS:.and I've re-requested at your thread for the next chapter eheheh...hope you don't mind :P Report Review
Hi teh! Here from Review Tag :)
I love the dark overtone of this whole chapter. It's quite fascinating how you've managed to taint Fred, who was always a comforting source of humor in the canon plot, especially as the series grew ever darker. For instance, the Episkey spell--in canon, Luna just uses it to tweak Harry's nose a little, but here it's like full-blown emergency medicine being used to restore Fred's broken body to something resembling youth and health. It was quite startling to read the description there. I love the (unintentionally?) creepy "prank" they pulled on the Slytherin, but not as much as I love the levity with which Fred and George contemplate the terms of their double demise, the blaze of glory.
I love the imagery at the end; I felt like I was reliving Fred's death second by aching second along with him. How sad that he can recall it down to the tiniest, most morbid detail, trapped forever with the memory of what could have been, what was lost. How tragic that his life ended just when the life of his dear family was beginning again.
This is fantastic. I'll come by sometime and continue.
-AmandaAuthor's Response: Hello Amanda!
So lovely to see another review from you for this story :D Yeah, the entire story is meant to be on the slightly darker side of things, even though it involves the Weasley twins and all. So their pranks and everything are going to have a darker tint to them, and well, generally things are going to be ahem...dark! :P At least I hope I can pull this off...
I think I might not have understood the use of Episkey too well in canon, actually! I know Tonks used it on Harry's nose after Malfoy stamped on his face so I thought the spell might fix Fred a little. But I guess it won't be enough if he's broken a rib or something...I'll definitely have to look up other possible spells! My knowledge on this area of canon is quite limited :P
I'm actually a little unhappy with this chapter now. I plan to rewrite it...or at least edit it quite heavily. There seems to be something a little off about it which I can't place...or maybe it's just me being obsessive :P
Fred's death was tragic for all of us :( I've not met a single HP fan who is not affected by his death, and by poor George's loss.
Thank you so very much once again for your absolutely wonderful review :D Your comments just made me all warm and fuzzy inside :) I'm currently writing Chapter 4 now and I do hope that you'll stop by again in the future :D Thanks again!
-teh Report Review
Hey - here from the review tag!
I want to say I enjoyed this chapter, but it feels a little harsh with the subject matter. I will say I thought it was a fantastic portrayal of George at the battle once Fred has died. It did really get to me, I really hate that Fred died. His was one of the worst and most unexpected deaths for me.
The POV and characterisation of George at this point is great, you really get into his head and make us feel his pain. I loved the whole section where he becomes Fred, as their interchangeable. It's a really good idea and I really enjoyed it!
I like the way you move through the story, it feels quite disjointed at times, but that is how George is seeing it as he's lost Fred.
This was a really strong start to your story though! Well done :)
Lauren :)Author's Response: Hi there Lauren :D
Thank you for your lovely review!
Yes, definitely this story is rather harsh - and probably a little too harsh. I keep changing my mind about things. I want to write a slightly darker story about the twins and I don't know if I can do that without completely ruining their characterisation!
Yeah, Fred's death is pretty hard for me to bear as well :( Poor George. I can't imagine how difficult it must be to lose a person so close to you.
I'm glad you thought this was a strong start! I will be rewriting Chapter 2 (because it doesn't feel as focused as it should be) before I start writing the fourth chapter!
Thank you once again for reading and reviewing!
-teh Report Review
Hi! It's taken me a long time to get back to this chapter, but I'm really glad I did! The sentence fragments and dense paragraphs don't bother me at all, because they work with George's emotions and mental state.
There are a lot of little details that jumped out at me, for one reason or another, like "Fred-in-a-box." It made me laugh; I'm not sure why, maybe I share George's morbid sentence of humor?
Another line: "We try to avoid glass a lot," struck me, because it is a bit creepy to catch a glimpse of myself in a reflection when I'm not expecting it, and I can just imagine how much worse that might be if I had a twin who was no longer there.
Other things that struck me: the overlap of belongings in their bedroom, the mismatched chairs at the service and Molly shoving food down people's throats. All of these details seem right.
I love the enhanced sensory details (water pure and silver, crumbs as sharp as grains of crystal) that accompany George's experiment with psychedelic substances. That's another element that seems to fit -- I could definitely see them experimenting together.
I just wanted to give George a hug when he put Fred's hair in the polyjuice potion. I'm very curious to find out what George means by "you owe me" and "If there is a way." Will he search for a way to bring Fred back?
Anyway, I enjoyed this immensely and look forward to reading more! :)Author's Response: Hello Elphaba! Wow, this is such a completely unexpected but extremely lovely surprise review :D Sorry it's taken me quite a few days to respond :(
But anyway, your comments...gah! Just made me grin like an idiot! i'm so so glad that you enjoyed the little details here and there. I've been quite deliberate about this chapter, and I'm so happy that they worked for you.
And I'm glad you laughed bahah! Yes, i was /trying/ to get a bit of dark humour in and I wasn't entirely sure I'd succeeded...only one other reviewer seemed to find parts of this chapter funny. Funny but sad.
As for that 'you owe me' bit, hmm...I think I can't quite explain it right now. It is not a big thing in the story...it's just one of those strange details that I hope will sort of contribute to a certain atmosphere, or throw a certain light on the twins' relationship to each other. I will definitely be revealing more about the twins in later chapters and I hope things will start to make sense as the story progresses.
As for your question about bringing the dead back...well you can't bring the dead back bahah! Unless George thinks of making an Inferius out of Fred's body...mm...this actually sounds interesting...maybe...
BAHA OK thanks again for your amazing review, Elphaba! ♥
-teh Report Review
Back again. Poor George. Poor me. Poor George! This was perhaps like, the most brilliant thing ever, I've NEVER seen this before in all of the fanfics that I've read. I thought you played on all of the emotions and turmoil of the moment so well and of course, there was George. The fact that he kept referring to himself as something like, "we, are, us" just broke me into pieces. I thought you wrote those scenes in a very lovely way, though, but I can tell how hard it was to write. Grief is a hard thing to write anyway but you just amped it up 100x what I'm used to! D':
The fact that George took a mind altering thing was something I'd never seen before. The boys were so naughty though! Ha. How he was tasting air, and grass just sort of stood out in my mind and I could picture him so well, it was so tough reading him suffering so badly.
The funeral scene was what got me. I wasn't sure how I was going to react to that but I sat there, as stiff as a board and just had to allow my heart to shatter. Poor George! And oh, God, how he's going to regret what happened after this! ARGH! I don't know what else to say, there was so much that I loved about this, I can't put it into words!! Darn. Just know that it was amazing and thanks so much!
Also, that ending is going to stick with me. Gave me the chills. :D
GabbieAuthor's Response: Yeah, SUCH A DIFFICULT TO CHAPTER TO WRITE OMG.
I'm so glad it worked for you. And wow, that's some serious praise you're giving me! Brilliant? My goodness!
BAHAHA GRIMBLY LET'S HIT UP THE GRIMBLY. Dunno where that came from to be honest. But the moment the idea struck that the twins could be, you know, experimenting with stuff, I just couldn't get it out of my head. It seemed really silly, the things he did...but I wanted him to do something silly anyway. All I had to do was be convincing. And man was that difficult. But ah, so so happy you loved this chapter! I think it's probably my favourite out of the three chapters I've written so far :P Yeah, that's not really saying a lot...
I'm currently trying my best to start Chapter 4! It's even more difficult because it's back to dead Fred again.
Thanks Gabbie! Love your lovely lovesome reviews!
teh ♥ Report Review
Surprised to see me popping up back here, yes? I thought it would be sooo good to get back into this story and here I am. So, I loved the way you have this written in Fred's POV, I've never read anything like it before, its such a unique way of doing it. I thought that his personality had so much more depth to it than I've been used to seeing and I really enjoyed it. The fact that he was even talking about death in the first place and avoiding the issue even while talking about it showed alot. Living in the moment and just being there is what mattered the most at that time and I loved that you made such a distinction with that. Moments of course with Fred and George being together just makes my heart tighten up but I thought you did something very nice here. It wasn't so much sad as it was brotherly and loving and I could have just read that for the rest of the day. What's sad, aside from Fred dying of course is the fact that his idea of dying was so different from how it really was. But that's what's shocking about death and he sort of said the same thing himself at some point! D':
The last little bit with Percy and that night just sort of made me sooo depressed. I hate reading about Fred dying! Which is why I've NEVER written it, btw. Hahhaa. I sort of have to read the next chapter immediately. So, expect me again. Hahahha.
Great peace of work and I have nothing to say about pacing or grammar or any of that boring stuff.
GabbieAuthor's Response: GABBIE ♥
Arrgh, so it's taken me like nearly a month to respond to your reviews. I'M SO SORRY :( I am a bad proctrastinator and I have no other excuse for being so tardy with my responses. And THANK YOU SO MUCH OMG for all your wonderful reviews.
And yes, the twinsies. FEEELS MORE FEELS LIKE EELS. Maybe not eels. But gah, yes, again, POOR FRED POOR GEORGE POOR TWINSIES. I was trying to convey a different sort of mood here, one that is less grief-laden than the previous chapter.
It's actually been quite a while ago since I wrote this chapter. I dunno...I feel there's something wrong with it...it seems overly descriptive in the wrong areas, and the twins' relationship to each other seem a little...stilted and forced. I'm actually thinking of cutting out a lot of stuff and rewriting this entire chapter. And moving it further down the story as well :D
Thank you for your lovely compliments! YOU;RE TOO KIND GABBIE. I'm off to answer your next lovely review!
♥ teh Report Review
This was certainly a different, yet great follow-up to the first chapter. It was interesting to see Fred's perspective after he died, especially how he sees himself as wedged between consciousness and oblivion. I wonder how he'll interact with the greater world, or if he will at all.
His perspective on death was very interesting, particularly because he, like just about everyone else, never planned on dying, never thought that he would die until he was old. Even though there was a war going on, he'd assumed he'd live through it because how else can you get through it?
The moment in the field was very interesting because of this, because it was a moment where they could have discussed dying but didn't. I was a little surprised, though, that the bludger didn't injure him more. From the description in the story, I thought that a bludger to the face would have resulted in head trauma (or something along those lines, something that could not be healed by "episkey").
As well, I did find it a little surprising that they used/had invented such a Dark-seeming spell. Their pranks had always seemed more light-hearted and while I knew/had assumed that they weren't gentle with their enemies, I hadn't thought that they were already capable of using those sorts of spells. Of course, the actual spell mightn't have been gruesome, just its appearance.
Fred's comments about his death were really interesting and I really liked the style you used in describing the moment of his death. The spacing really helped to give the impression that he was drifting away from body (at least, that's the impression I got from the scene). His frustration about his "death in a punch line" was fitting. He died participating in an activity that he loved to do but it certainly wasn't how he would want to go (if you say exactly how you'd like to go). The joke, as he said, wasn't that funny...
All in all, I think that you did a great job with this chapter and I'm very interested to see where you'll take this story. Will Fred and George somehow interact? Will this be a story of how they both come to terms with their individual situations? Great work! :DAuthor's Response: Roots! Oh, first of all, I'm very very very sorry for taking ONE WHOLE MONTH to respond to your amazing review. And I haven't even answered your other one on my Creevey oneshot :( No excuses from me here, just procrastinating and stuff.sorry :(
But, thank you so much for these lovely surprise reviews! I'm so grateful and flattered that you actually came back to read on! It means a great deal to me.
This chapter...it's been quite some time since I wrote it, and now it's starting to sound a little off, when I reread. There's something not quite right about Fred's voice, there are heavy descriptions in the wrong areas, and the twins' relationship seem a little jarring. I intend to go back and fix this chapter completely. Rewrite. And then I'm going to move it down the story, because it's in the wrong place. I just realised this as i was planning out further chapters.
Baha! I'm so glad you picked out all those things from the chapter, the Episkey bit and the Dark-seeming spell used by the twins. I'm not the best at canon and I'm always incredibly grateful to reviewers who point out whenever the stuff I write is incompatible with canon. I will have to go back and change things around. I'm trying to give this story a slightly darker tone and atmosphere...hence the use of that spell.
Yeah, the formatting and spacing was meant to show some sort of disembodying process. Fred will pretty much lose everything with death. As for whether the twins will interact...well, they're both separated quite cleanly, at least for now. If they do interact I'm not going to make it easy for them :P Because I'm mean like that baha!
Anyway, thanks sososo very much for this lovely review! I'm currently writing Chapter 4 and I do hope you continue to read this story! your feedback has been just wonderful :D
-teh Report Review
This was very very heartbreaking. I actually really liked your writing style - it was very effective to express George's feelings. The disorientation, the desperation, it became all evident in your writing style itself. The scenes were very touching too, especially when George turns into Fred by taking the Polyjuice. I felt so sorry for him throughout. You've portrayed his grief very well. The ending again broke my heart, what with the writing on his headstone.
All in all, a brilliantly written chapter. I almost cried. Great job!
(AditiDraco95)Author's Response: Oh, thank you so much for your lovely words, Aditi! I'm really really flattered that you like the style of this; it can't have been the easiest chapter to get through because I imagine it must've been pretty dense! You've pretty much got George's state of mind - disorientation, disbelief and everything.
I'm so so happy that you thought this chapter good! Thanks for reading and reviewing all three chapters of this story! I will be updating soon :)
-teh Report Review
Oh dear, this was another heartbreaking chapter. I liked your concept of Fred's POV, it was quite surreal. Your descriptions were really good and elaborate. The ending was so powerful and impacting. I liked the "memories" of Fred too - of the whole cannonball incident - it was well-written, and was a nice touch to the narrative.
The pace, flow, grammar, and entire concept of the chapter was nicely done. This was a heartbreaking read and it struck such a chord.
(AditiDraco95)Author's Response: Hello again AD :)
Glad you liked this chapter as well. Fred's POV is certainly a shade harder to capture compared to George's! This chapter is in dire need of a rewrite bahaha! And I will get down to doing that plus writing the fourth chapter in the next month or so.
I'm glad you felt something for this! Thank you so much for your review :)
-teh Report Review
Hello there! I'm sorry about the wait, it's been a busy week revising for exams :/
Anyway, here goes!
I like your summary - it's very intriguing, slightly mind boggling and very magnetic in that it draws attention.
So you wanted to know about the style, characterisation and first person POV, and I think you've done brilliant with all three.
Characterisation: I really get to feel how empty and lost George feels without Fred, his emotions are perfect and almost exactly how I would imagine mine might be if I lost a sibling, but George's are possibly even worse, because he not only lost a sibling, he lost his twin. I think it's difficult to compare this George to canon-George, because we only really see George when he's joking around, and obviously he no longer has anyone to joke around with. But I think you've done a brilliant job, and he's pretty much how I would expect him after being through such an ordeal. Ginny was also very much in character as she helped hold Fred.
Style/POV: It has a really angsty feel to it, and I am of the opinion that angst is best written in first person, especially with this amount of emotion. It would be extremely difficult to completely immerse the reader in the characters feelings if you were using third person POV, so I think you were spot on there.
I think you've done a fabulous job with this chapter, I know it's given me a clear and realistic idea of George's feelings, thoughts and emotions about the battle and Fred's death, which we are never told about in the books, and which haven't been written about in huge detail - possibly because it's an awful moment, and I know I couldn't bear to write such powerful emotion, just reading this brought me close to tears quite a few times - but you've managed it fantastically, and I think it's a great start to an interesting story.
One thing I began to wonder about as I was writing this review, was Angelina. I know she may not feature in your story, as it is based mostly on Fred and George, but since she was Fred's (ex?)girlfriend and then married George, the events in this chapter are ones which could almost explain how they ended up married. Obviously they are similar - they're identical - but the whole being Fred, when he's actually George thing, I think that there's something there about his grief that Angelina could have helped with or fixed(I really can't find the correct words,) it's a bit difficult to explain, but basically what I'm trying to say is that this chapter could very easily fit in with what possibly could have happened in canon. :D
Altogether, I thought it was amazing and fabulously written(I salute you for that) and I am really intrigued and interested to see where you take it :D
Emily Report Review
Oh wow! This is a really good chapter and beginning for your story! I really felt for George here, as I did in the actual series when Fred's death came. You did a wonderful job of painting this picture for me, and I could really see exactly what you were describing to us. I love how for just a moment, George decides that he wants to be Fred but then his brother comes along and ruins that for him by admitting to Lee that Fred is gone. I only found one mistake and it was right towards the end when you say "I must've had been sitting on the floor" the word had is extra and disrupts the flow of the sentence. But other than that small thing, there was nothing else that seemed out of place or disrupted the flow. I very much enjoyed this! Great Job!
~Slytherinchica08~Author's Response: Hi there! Thanks for your lovely review :) I'm glad you liked it, and managed to really feel for George. It;s quite a horrible moment for him, really. And unfortunately, that's just the beginning of everything for George :(
Thanks for pointing that sentence out! I do have trouble with my tenses sometimes :)
Thanks again for you review!
-teh Report Review
Oh dear this was so heartbreaking :( You got George's emotions across so well. The entire narrative was thick with loss, grief, and despair and I could really feel all the intensity. I think you wrote this in a very realistic way, I can envision this happening to poor George :( The way you wrote your narrative was also quite suited to the story, it was as if George was shattered that his thoughts were too. The ending was really impacting as well. All in all, this was such a powerful, sad, and grief-filled chapter which was very well-written. I am sure the onward chapters are equally good!
(AditiDraco95)Author's Response: Hello there AD :D
Thanks for your lovely review. I'm glad you found this a realistic but intense story. I was really trying to write a convincing narrative from George's POV, and we all know all that shock and loss and grief poor George has to go through :(
Thanks again for reading :)
-teh Report Review
Its Gabbie here with your requested review! I was really happy to see that you asked for me to review a chapter of your work, not that I wasn't going to read any of your work on my own. Hehehe.
So I win either way. :3
And oh, my goodness. I had to stop myself from bursting into tears from just reading that first paragraph. I do like that you answered that question about where George was at the time when Fred died, it was a plothole in the actual DH story that never got answered. The way that George is depicted just breaks my heart and I sort of had to take a deep breath after reading this line in particular.
"I might have clapped my palm over his mouth--I might have forced that last breath back in" powerful writing in just that sentence.
To be honest, I've never actually written Fred's death in any of my fanfics for sheer fear of firstly, writing it horribly and second, blubbering my way through it. But I think you've tampered with the chaos and grief of the situation wonderfully and there were some eerie moments too. When Lee saved George, he thought of becoming Fred and the way he described himself just gave me the chills. I could really feel his torment and it was such a unique way of playing with his emotions that I was blown away. I'd never read anything like that before, George wanting to be so close to Fred, even in death that he would try to take on his persona. His name. His body. Phew, I had to take a deep breath after that one. :D
Which is such a good thing! I'm all for angst, I adore it and if I can have such a reaction to a story then its sure to become an obsession. :3
Now, Percy saying "Fred is dead" just sort of took the moment to an extra blow and I'm not sure how George is going to come back from that with Lee, knowing he'd lied. Will it be mentioned later? In the heat of the moment, Lee might not say anything and also, can I point out something? Whenever I've been on the forums or whatnot, immediately everyone says, if its the topic, "Poor Fred" and so on and so forth. But I have to wonder, "What about George? What about being called his brother's name?" when Fred was alive and when he's gone, how would you feel? So, I loved that you had that brief confusion with Lee, it just sort of made it all the more tense for me.
Is that awful?
So, that last little bit. I sort of cried, I'll be brave and admit that I did. It was such a horribly sad moment for George and I could visualize everything that you wrote. Through my tears, that is. Hehehe.
I really have no CC's for this either, I thought everything was fantastic! Hopefully, I'll be back to this soon! :D
Thanks for the great read!
GabbieAuthor's Response: Aww, Gabbie! Thanks so so so much for this lovely long well-thought out review :D Oh, it's really made my night!
When I was reading Fred's death I kept wondering, "What was George thinking? And where is he, anyway?" JKR NEVER GAVE ANSWERS :( George doesn't ever appear again for the rest of DH...well, there were a couple of mentions of him, duelling and kneeling at Fred's head but that was all. Fred's death really broke me :( but it's George, really, whom I feel for. It's the living, the ones left behind that suffer.
I don't think Lee is going to mention it later, no. He probably confuses the twins all the time...nobody can tell them apart, not even Molly :D And also, George does seem to go off the rails a little (if you ever get to the third chapter you might see...). My plans are for him to become odder and more and more isolated from the world...bahaha I'm evil. This is what I do to characters I adore xD
I didn't mean for any tears! Here! *hands over tissue* But I'm glad you really felt for George. That's what I wanted to do with this chapter: give a glimpse of the awfulness of his situation, of the shock, horror, trauma and unbearable sense of loss he must have felt. Er...without being too melodramatic of course, though I might have failed in this area.
Oh, thank you so so much once again for your fantastic and detailed commentary, Gabbie! I'm so happy you enjoyed this chapter and I do hope you'll be back for more :D
-teh Report Review
Fred and George are one of my favorite canon characters and I love the stories exploring their bonding and love. :) But I must say your story was very original. You've captured George's emotions well and I loved reading this! :D
Great work!Author's Response: Thank you for your lovely review :D Aah...my story - original?! Wow! Thanks! Report Review
Ok, I have one critique, and that is, you should really consider editing your A/N. You are not "incompetent," and there's no reason for you to put yourself down. The fragments are fine. This was easy to follow and read. Again, I loved it. Wonderful imagery, very vivid. I love him tasting colours. You did a very good job of writing this, and I liked the chapter's progression. You may be happy to know I didn't cry this time, but I came fairly close. This is a fantastic interpretation of the aftermath of the war, and on George's reaction. I'm leaving it there, as it is late, I am tired, and I have real work to do for work that I must tend to. I look forward to reading more of your stuff, so feel free to request reviews in the future as you write new chapters or stories. :)
All the best,
cypressAuthor's Response: Thanks for the third review xD
I know, I know, I have terrible self-esteem with my writing :( I'm so glad you didn't find the fragments irritating at all. I always love reading stories about the aftermath of war so I just adore the post-Hogwarts era :D
I'll certainly be writing more chapters soon and OF COURSE I'll come by and re-request :D
Thanks thanks and thanks once again!
-teh Report Review
Hey there. So, I only review one chapter at a time by request, so you can consider this a freebie on me. ;)
Again, magnificent. Your imagery is superb - "as though church bells had taken to the school passageways," "suds of pink lipstick," "the night was quilt-thick," "a sickle-slice of moon," "dark blood skimming," "shaved his voice to a whistle."
The banter between the brothers was perfect, and I think you captured Fred's voice so realistically! The end, the way you format your sentence - very nicely done. I have no criticism. I hope you're not too disappointed by that.
Looking forward to reading your next chapter.
cypressAuthor's Response: Oh, thank you so much! I'm so so glad you like the banter between the twins. I thought it was a little forced at some point, and I was considering rewriting this chapter...I might, actually - bahaha since I get so obsessed with things :D
And I'm glad you like the imagery, too! It's quite a struggle to be descriptive and yet have Fred's narration remain in character. And I can't tell you how relieved I am that you find Fred's voice realistic. I think he's the more troublesome of the twins to capture in writing. And sometimes I think I've bitten more off than I can chew, choosing to write BOTH the twins' voices...but comments like yours are so encouraging! So thank you so much again :D
-teh Report Review
Hello, dear. I'm here with your requested review!
I am going to start by saying, that right now, I'm crying. Tears are, quite literally, streaming down my face. This is beautiful. The first set-off section gave me serious chills. My entire back was chilled. Your writing is rhythmic, the flow is fantastic, the pace is perfect. I've gone back to pick out certain phrases that caught my eye:
"memory drops away into black trenches"
the way you describe Ginny's tears
"wand slipping through the slots of dark space between his fingers"
"knife-streaks of spells"
I'll stop there, but your imagery is impeccable. I'm so impressed. You have a real knack for metaphor. I LIKE the first person POV. I think the only thing about the story I was even the slightest bit iffy about was the way George wants to rip his mother away from Fred's body by her hair and take his hand away from Ginny and Ron. George is such a happy-go-lucky, fun-loving sort of character, and then he's sort of catatonic throughout, but that one paragraph stuck out as very rageful and violent. I'm not saying it isn't realistic under the circumstances, but maybe a bit of a softer transition would help, like more explanation as to why? But I'm really reaching to find something to critique, here. Honestly, I think the whole chapter is superb and if you didn't change a thing I'd still believe that.
Sorry I don't have more to offer.
cypressAuthor's Response: Hello there, cypress! First, my goodness...FREEBIE reviews :D I only requested one chapter and you gave me THREE reviews? *sobs* You're too lovely! I must have done something extremely good in my past life!
Oh, I didn't mean to make anyone cry :( But then again I did want people to feel for George. Really get a glimpse of the shock and trauma and things like that...I just keep reading and re-reading your reviews. Goodness, you've given me so much praise, and such SERIOUS PRAISE as well. Gah, I'm speechless. And beyond honoured that you like the writing.
As for that bit where "George wants to rip his mother awa from Fred's body", yeah, I kind of see what you mean by that. It's very striking, possibly quite unconvincing and uncharacteristic of George. It is a little over-the-top, I guess. I'll see how I can modify that part! Thanks for that!
And thanks again for your review! Oh your tears have induced tears in me! Although I must admit my tears are of a happy sort...xD
-teh Report Review
Hi there! Thank you for making my heart turn into a little pile of broken feels ;(.
I'm going to try and explain well what I'm talking about during this because I doubt I'll be able to go in chronological order.
The funeral. It makes so much sense but is so terrible... no one but him knows he's 'fred'... he's turned himself into himself basically but he hasn't and it's so terrible but he's so broken and so messed up that he doesn't see it. Or he does and just doesn't let himself feel it. It's a terrible, terrible joke but inside his head it's perfect and I think you made such an amazing decision by using that, and am very impressed with the creativity of it all. Even if it's heart crushing.
Molly cleaning, fixing, handling... just like she does best. I think her sense of stability was very necessary for the erratic emotions of George through this.
George lost so much of himself, just destroyed and taken away forever, and I think the style you wrote it in, with the fragments and the parts that feel like they go fast then slow then fast... it all just worked in an amazing way to bring George's feelings so up close and painful intimate that they were some of the most painful I've ever read.
This was such a wonderful short story, incredibly painful, but gorgeously written.Author's Response: Hi again Jami :D
Congrats, you've sat through every chapter of this story so far; that's quite an achievement xD
No, really, thank you so so so much for your wonderful comments on my story so far. Your reviews are just too lovely!
I'm so glad that I've managed to make you feel for George; I'm glad that the fragments and the style didn't put you off - and that you actually thought they worked!
This isn't actually a short story bahaha; I've got to change that part. I think it's more of a novella - have sketched a few chapters in my mind - and will get down to writing them soon! ...once I take care of all the other oneshot plunnies assaulting me...
So thank you so much once again! Always love your reviews :D
-teh Report Review
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