Hi, it's your requested reviewer!
Okay, you asked me whether it was eye catching which it certainly is. I am unfortunately guilty of looking at a banner then deciding to read the summary and yours certainly caught my eye.
The first little section is really intriguing, I really like it especially as rather than screaming Ellie is more quietly curious. It gives the reader an insight into her personality without you having to simply state the facts, by doing this I think it makes a story a lot better and a lot more readable.
I like how when she sees the women again she still doesn't scream in fact she corrects her, I would have been so scared!
I really like Ellie as a character. I like that she is scared not because she can see the ghosts but because it is a gift which she doesn't share with her twin. It shows just how close they are.
'Are you in the habit of drinking juice straight from the carton from other people's fridges?' I really like this quote, it makes it really funny and Albus is so smooth in his reply, it sounds like Ellie's house is almost like Al's second home.
I love how Al and Rose both barge in and no one really makes a fuss about it. Next thing you know the whole Weasley/Potter family will be appearing in the kitchen!
'There is thirty per cent off all stores, including the book shop' I love how at first Ellie doesn't really want to go but as soon as Rose mentions that there is a sale at the book shop Ellie wants to go.
I also like how Rose believes in Divination there are too many stories where Rose is very much like her mother (I am guilty of this) and it is nice to see her being different.
'and then there was my cake sense' who needs 'the sight' when you have the cake sense !?
I also really like how at the end Ellie tries to justify everything that Madame Cassandra says as though she is trying to convince herself that Cassandra is an old fraud.
I really enjoyed this chapter, it was really good and well written. It flowed really well and the dialogue was neither under nor over used and it worked really well.
Feel free to re-request, 10/10
Beth :) Report Review
Hey! It's a-me! Mae! I've come with your review! :)
NOTE: Whilst I'm previewing this, it isn't showing my whole review. If I submit it and it doesn't send my whole review, I'll PM you the rest.
OK, so I'm just going to start off right here at the very beginning on exactly what I think of this story. I. Absolutely. Love. It. ! :) Honestly, I've not actually seen a fan fiction cover anything close to this, and it really reminds me of Ghost Whisperer, a show that I used to religiously watch.
OK, all doting to the side (well, there's still doting to come, trust me ;)) Lets get to the points of coverage shall we?
"It was completely full of teenage vampire romances." Report Review
I'm here with your Reviews :)
Okay, first thing first is believability. It's a good twist, a like the thought of a wizarding child being able to do that little bit extra. In that sense, it's believable, if wizards can speak Parseltongue or Metamorphmagus, why can't they see the dead that didn't come back as ghosts that roamed Hogwarts and houses they were connected too? I have a few things that you might want to consider in order to make it more believable. One thing, why five? What is the importance of that? Most gifts that aren't from birth usually present themselves around puberty, it's the change that causes them. In my opinion that might have been a better time, a five year old wouldn't really be able to keep such a thing a secret, no matter how hard they tried. It's a thing as a child, especially one so young, they like to brag and gain respect from their friends, secrets can get forgotten when it comes to that. Another reason I'm not sure about the age is because what sort of Grandmother would tell her grandchild about the dead when they couldn't really understand the importance of the gift? It's a great burden to lay on a five year old. Most grandparents would try to avoid the conversation as much as possible. Otherwise the rest is rather believable and could lead to a really good story. Especially with the medium side of things going on.
Right now onto the flow, overall it's really good, the parts of the story you have going on really bring depth to story and I always find it good to start off a story with a small explanation of what exactly is happening in the Main Characters life, stating from the start that she is a medium of sorts is really good and it draws you in. It helps to make sure the rest of the story is interesting and will lead to a good plot and theme. One thing I would watch out for is the chapter being disjointed. The way it's set out does bring an understanding about the main character but it also makes the story a bit confusing. From what I can tell, it's because it takes a little to realise that it has changed times. You have to read the first sentence of the next scene in order to understand the change and that can disrupted the flow. A lot of authors use ** or ~ in order to separate times, this way the reader knows that the next scene is either set before or after the one that played out before it.
Your characters are rather good for the start of the story, already your main character, Ellie, has a lot of depth to her. It's already clear from the first chapter that although Chris and Ellie are twins they have a lot of things that are different, and yet the same. It's nice to see that aspect of a brother/sister relationship, especially one between twins. I hope that continues throughout your story. You also have a good start with Albus and Rose as Chris and Ellie's best friend but I believe that you should give them a bit more depth in the common chapters in order for your readers to relate to them more, it's important that the people that read your story can connect with not just the main characters but the minor or reoccurring ones as well. I know I have a habit of skipping large chunks of story if the character they relate about isn't someone with a realistic personality, i find it hard to read. Another thing you should watch out for is cliche, you have a new twist on it, with the medium side of things but you will need to watch to make sure that the relationship between Albus and Ellie. There are a lot of Hate/Hate turn Love/Hate to Love stories on the archives and you need to try to at least make your story different to the rest.
There was only one part that I really had a problem reading and that was basically the first five lines. Something about them doesn't seem right, like it's disjointed and slightly jumpy. I think it might have something to do with the way it's structured, you start with Ellie's voice talking about it, but instead of actually going straight into the ghost part you try to make it a bit more amusing, like she's talking to the reader. This can be good through out the chapter and such but I'm not sure it's perfect start for a story, it sort of pulls away from the important fact that she can see ghosts, making it seem a little less important then it actually is.
Overall, it's good start to the story and I am sure it will just get better as you continue to write it. :)
I'm sorry it's so long. I have a habit of talking too much.
~ stephAuthor's Response: OMG. This is so long. I love it so much. Like, you have no idea.
You raise quite a few good points, actually. There is sort of a reason why I chose five as an age, and the thing about grandparents makes sense, but that's something that I want to underscore about the ghosts - they can be super weird. More shall be revealed! However, I like to think that Ellie's been able to keep this secret for such a long time actually reveals something about her, but I can see where you're coming from with five year olds not being able to keep their mouths shut, especially about secrets! Hmm... I shall have to see how to work with this...
I know the flow could do with a bit of work, so your suggestions are much appreciated! I shall endeavour to see about those annoying sentences and try and make the time jumps a little smoother.
My biggest fear really is that I'll neglect my minor characters - something which I have already done in another story! Thanks for the tip! You're right in saying that minor and recurring characters also need to be liked, otherwise the story can seem very one-dimensional and a little vain. The romance is cliche, I know, but I do love a good cliche! However, I really don't want this to be about the romance, so I'll try to make sure that the cliche remains as toned down as possible.
Thanks for the wonderful review! You were quite helpful (I haven't received many reviews critquing this story, so this was really nice)! Report Review
When I read the beginning, I was quickly reminded of the plot from the TV show Ghost Whisperer. I got a lot of similar connections from this story and the show. I like the character of Ellie Anderson, although I don't know if I'd see her watching TV shows or playing video games. She seems like the Hermione type to me.
After reading the summary, I wonder which founder she'll see first.
Nice little jab at Twilight there. Good job.Author's Response: I used to watch a lot of Ghost Whisperer. Chances are there might be a lot of stuff that's similar with it. And she is like Hermione in a lot of aspects, but she's also very much a product of the huge influence of her muggle father, so TV shows and video games are a big part of her life.
And you noticed the jab! It was a little mean spirited, I know, but I hope no one took offense! Report Review
Ahh, it's Regulus! So much love for their interactions, and Ellie's blatant confusion. I really like how you've portrayed Reg's ghost: he's so sassy, I definitely don't blame Ellie for thinking he's cute! His involvement in modern technology was very funny, but also believable: hey, being stuck for 40 years would get tedious! I wonder why Reg hasn't passed on, hmm...
I also liked the hinting that she's going to have an eventful year, and I'm really excited to read more about her and Reg's ghostly friendship! :P
Aww, Ginny was so sweet! I'm glad that Ellie has a motherly figure to watch out for her, and you did an amazing job of describing that watch, it sounded really lovely!
Hope to read the next chapter someday soon!! :)Author's Response: Yes, it's Regulus! He's like my favourite character to write at the moment! He's so much fun! And I can't reveal everything about him all at once!
Regulus is awesome - he has quite a few surprises up his sleeve!
And Ginny is amazeballs, yes!
I hope to finish writing the next chapter someday soon! Thanks for the lovely review! Report Review
Hello, I'm here with your requested review!
I like this story so far, especially the characterisation. Ellie is frank and refreshing, and even though I've only read a little bit about them, you've done a fantastic job breathing life into Your characters. I especially like the way you portray Ellie-instead of saying 'she likes historical romances', you showed us that she liked them with those scenes with Rose. It was refreshing not to be told everything about the character, but shown, so well done on that.
Regulus was very well written, his type of humor had me laughing out loud. I also liked that you used him for some foreshadowing, so I could tell that the plot is going to thicken and frankly, I can't wait for it. I could see the similarity between him and Sirius.
Ellie's gift is very unusual, but believable at the same time. If anything, I would like to have seen how she helped the ghosts that came to her, and her great-gran.
I think that you've used the short sentences well, but I think you may have overused them sligtly, so they are disrupting the flow of your story. It's a very fine line, but generally the short sentences are used for humor or drama, (like you've used them for at the beginning of each chapter) so I think you could cut down on them just a little bit.
I find that the pace of the story is good, not too slow or too fast, so well done on that as well.
I also loved the chatting and bantering that went on between Al and Ellie, and Rose and Ellie, it was fun to read and it lent the story an air of lightheartedness, even though you are dealing with some very heavy stuff in this story. The humor that you used was funny and got several laughs out of me.
However, some of the characters changed their moods really quickly, like Rose in the bookshop or Chris and Ellie at the graveyard-they went from solemn to happy really fast. It just threw me for a little bit, but nothing too serious.
The scene with Madame Cassandra in the opening chapter was very well written, you used her for suspense and foreshadowing, and you did a very good job of it too. Now I can't wait to see the 'danger, suffering and love' she talked about (although I think I know who she's going to love ;D).
In the first chapter, Al and Ellie together were very well written, I could feel their chemistry, and Al wanting that truce-I was just going 'aww' in my head for him then! I like how Al was flirting with Ellie, and she was just clueless. With that scene I got the impression that Al already liked Ellie. Also, Ellie and Chris was good, but I find it hard to believe that he doesn't suspect anything, especially as you didn't paint him as a head-in-the-clouds person, like their dad.
The watch-giving scene was amazing, it didn't just hit Ellie in the feels, it hit me in the feels too. Ginny was really well written, I really got the mother hen side of her. It reminded me of Molly and Harry, actually.
If you made if through all that, I'm giving you a mind cake and an apology for writing so much. I just woke up and I haven't had my tea yet, so that might have something to do with my word vomit.
Overall, I really like this story, and please don't get put off by my much-too-long review.Author's Response: OMG! HOW CAN YOU EVEN THINK THAT AUTHORS DON'T READ LONG REVIEWS! IT'S WHAT WE LIVE AND BREATHE FOR (ASIDE FROM THE ACTUAL WRITING)! THIS IS AN AMAZING REVIEW, ON LENGTH ALONE!
Wow! You read both chapters! You didn't have to, and you still did! Thank you so much! As Ellie is the main character, I really want people to like her. I don't read very many stories where I don't like the main character, so I'm glad to hear that you do!
Regulus' humour is my humour on a good day. His stuff is actually the easiest and most fun to write! He's a supporting character, so I really wanted him to be someone that I enjoyed writing as an author, so I would want to write him as much as humanly possible! And to me, Sirius and Regulus are birds of a feather!
I struggled with that aspect of my story, actually. I write lighthearted stuff best, but I really wanted to write about deep things, too, so I wasn't sure if it would be a good move to combine the two together! I'm really glad that you think it's working well so far!
I'll try to temper Rose's mood swings - thanks for pointing that out, by the way; I hadn't noticed it felt like that! With Ellie, however, the mood swing was completely intentional. It's one of her character quirks, where she can switch between emotions really quickly - or at least, likes to pretend that she can!
I think everyone has a bit more than an inkling about the "love" aspect about that line! Although, I'm enjoying the irony, that she thinks it's the "suffering" part - although, you never know, it could be!
Ellie is completely clueless when it comes to Albus, and you'll see that more as the story comes along. I don't want to say too much about them, but you're right in that Albus knows where they're gonna go, and Ellie's just like "I still don't like you". And you picked up on that about Chris! Yay! It's explored later.
Aww! I hope the feels weren't too badly battered! I wanted to bring a bit of emotional balance into the chapter! The first half is super fun, but I wanted to show this other side to the story. Ginny is totally inspired by Molly, so I'm super psyched that you picked up on that!
Thank you so much again for this lovely review! First of all, you read both of my chapters, and second, you left this super-long, super-detailed review, which was super helpful and super nice and super awesome! Keep the super up, you super reviewer!
And enjoy your tea! Report Review
Hi, here from review tag!
I like this story so far, especially the character of Ellie. She seems down to earth and funny, and I also enjoyed the special talent she has to see ghosts. It's a unique idea and has a lot of potential for awesome shenanigans!!
You did a good job of setting up the story with the Great-grandmother at the beginning, but not lingering too much on Ellie's childhood. I felt like it was just the right length and density to show what she would have been like as a kid, especially the line about being different from her twin brother. I think that set up the rest of the chapter very well. I would have liked a little more detail about whether she sees more ghosts, or has seen her GG since. :)
I liked the interaction between Ellie and Albus, they seem to have a cute and quirky little hatred going on. I would have liked to know why exactly they hate each other so much: did something happen in the past? Do their personalities just clash? But I'm sure you'll get into that in later chapters.
I really like your writing style of short paragraphs and sentences, and it works especially well for Ellie's stream of consciousness. One thing you might want to watch out for though is writing in that style during dialogue. When Rose and Ellie were bantering it got a little confusing, so maybe framing that with descriptions or even just "I reply scathingly..." or "Rose cried out" might make it a bit clearer! :) You do a really good job of giving your characters life otherwise!! :) I look forward to which ghost Ellie will encounter next, and how she'll be able to help them or not!Author's Response: Hello!
I hope the talent is unique enough! The romance sub-plot is a tired one, so I'm trying to make this story as fun and engaging and fresh as possible in other ways! It's great to hear that you like Ellie already!
That flashback scene was really weird to write. I didn't really know what five-year-olds thought like, but I'm glad to hear that it went okay.
The reason for their, um, relationship with each other is explored a little later on in the story. I felt it was too early to reveal that particular bit of information.
Haha, yeah. The dialogue is a little hard to follow, so I'll be sure to work on that for later chapters. Thanks for the suggestion!
And I think you'll like the next ghost she meets... Report Review
I should seriously study but here I am chilling with your story and having fun. I'm a bad girl...Anyway, I shall not wait any longer and get on with my review as you already think Im half crazy. Okay so Regulus Black, what a choice! I'm thinking of writing a Novella on him. There is so much to say. TTYL was just hilarious and I just said LOL out loud which made me laugh at myself a bit more. Did you get my joke? Probably didn't. I love where the plot is going. It just has to keep on getting better. You writing style is awesome unlike mine. SO NEVER STOP WRITING OKAY? You're gifted.
okay, i think I should go study now. I have a date with Shakespeare. Update soon!! xx
EmAuthor's Response: Studying is for people who don't have better things to do, like read and review fanfiction. Or those who are very good time managers, which I am not.
I adore Regulus, and I wanted to write him different to the way he's usually written. And you're right - there's heaps to say. And yes, I got your joke! I LOLed in my head, however.
And I shall try to never stop writing, I suppose. It's the only creative thing I'm passable at, so I guess it's a good outlet!
Good luck with the Shakespeare! I hope it's Macbeth rather than Romeo and Juliet! Report Review
HI, okay so.
Where should I begin? You have left amazing reviews for my story so I will try and do some justice to yours.
Firstly its an Albus/OC I love it already as my first novel is an Albus/OC too. so high5. I like your MC, she is cool. ALSOO, have you read the meditator series by Meg Cabot? OMG Its just like that. I was a big fan of that.I still have the books, Don't tell anyone. :X I love birthdays, and twins.
Our stories have a lot in common which is great cause great minds think alike. ;)
I don't have any CC's as I love it just the way it is.
Off to the next chapter!
EmAuthor's Response: Hello!
Haha, thanks for the compliment!
Who doesn't love a good Albus/OC, am I right? And glad to here you like Ellie, too.
And do I know the Mediator series by Meg Cabot? Um, I only used to live and breathe that series, so yeah, you could say I know the series. Ellie's gift is partly inspired by that series, and Ghost Whisperer, and other ghost stories I've read over the years. It appears that I prefer ghosts over vampires...
Haha! Yeah, I didn't our stories were so similar!
See you the next chapter! Report Review
Hey, I'm here from review tag!
I was drawn to this one by the bright banner and I think you've done well to establish a lighter tone in the first few paragraphs, especially given that opening line and the subject matter! You're dealing with heavy issues without them seeming heavy and that's quite refreshing.
Ellie's gift is really interesting and unusual. It's a lovely starting point for the story and the passage about Ellie's mother dying makes her gift seem even sadder.
One thing I'd like to pick up on is your use of short, single-sentence paragraphs. I think it works well now and again for dramatic (or comedic, as it was in the opening) affect, but when it's used throughout the entire chapter it can disrupt the flow. Some of the chapter, for example, the parts about Ellie's mother's death, could be condensed into a single paragraph. You could still keep the abrupt short sentences, but maybe consider reducing the number of short paragraphs...if that makes sense? The chapter also seems to move quite quickly between the different scenes which is probably to do with this.
And another wee thing I'd like to pick up on - Rose asking Ellie to go to the 'mall' is a bit of an Americanism. Something like 'going to the shops' would sound more natural :) similarly for 'bookstore' - it'd be 'bookshop'. But that's seeeriously nitpicking on my part and I don't think it detracts from your story in any way.
Nice start! Like I said, Ellie's gift is a really interesting thing to work the story from, and I love how you started it with her discovering the gift at a young age instead of explaining it away at a later stage. Good job! ♥Author's Response: Hello! *waves*
Bright banners are awesome. All credit to the awesome artist! I tried really hard to make this light and humorous because I have this thing about angst. I might make the story a bit darker as we go along, though!
Her gift is sad in that aspect. I plan to explore that later on. She isn't as cool with it as she seems!
Yeah... you're right about the single-sentence paragraphs. I think I was trying to see which writing style would fit best, but I think you make a good point about everything having its place!
I have no idea why I said mall. I've never used the word in real life - I'm Australian. I'll change that when I go back and edit!
Thank you for your lovely review! Report Review
I happened to stumble across your stroy whilst checking stories I reviewed and I remembered liking this one and without second thought I started reading the second chapter and then I was really confused because I had kind of forgotten about the dead people thing... I smacked myself in the head a second later, that was the moment I remembered. So yeah...
Now on to your chapter, man I laughted so hard! Regulus was kind of hilarious! I mean wifi in heaven?? And what's with the kitchen talk? TTYL? Seriously??? What? :P
I had a lot of fun reading it and then watching the people aroung me cast me worried glances because I was rolling around on the floor (not literally, I composed myself)
Really only thinking about it makes me smile again.
Just when I thought things were going to go serious Ginny walks in. I would have been rather shaken when the ghost of Regulus had said TTYL to me, But Ellie tops it all. Ginny was really cool.
Do I even make sense? I hope i do. I just really wanted to get my point across, which is: I like the chapter a lot. Please update as soon as you possibly can!!!
MayaAuthor's Response: Happy to see you came back for another read!
One of my aims with Regulus was to get a laugh or two out - so really happy to hear that was the case! He's a great character to write, and if I were in his situation, I'd wish to handle it the way he does. He comes back later in the story, and if you think you like him now - just you wait!
Ginny is amazing. That is all. All arguments, ever are invalid.
And there should be an update soon! Report Review
Your opening sentences are hilarious! I just, *wipes tears from eyes*
This chapter is brilliant! Regulus is well portrayed and I absoluetly adore his character. He has this dry humour that I love to read- mainly because it's similar to mine- and he isn't too hung up over the fact that he's dead. Plus, he watches Doctor Who, so he gets extra brownie points for that. All in all, he's a brilliant ghost. I do hope we see more of him in later chapters :D
I also loved the watch giving, it was a very sweet moment, just, aw Author's Response: YOU CAME BACK!
Too excited by half, I know.
Haha; thanks for the appreciation of the opening sentences. I swear, they're the most difficult parts of the story to write!
Regulus is one of my favourite characters to write. He is just so much fun! And I wanted to take him away from being an angsty teenager, and see where he would go once he accepted his fate, so to speak. And of course he watches Doctor Who! And I promise he's recurring!
The watch giving scene was difficult for me to write, which I really just pushed through onto Ellie, so I'm glad to hear you enjoyed it! Report Review
Hey dear, here from the review thread!
I love this story, great start :D Ellie's gift with ghosts is sure different from everybody else's ordinary talents. The humour in this wasn't too forced, you did get a chuckle or two out of me - and I'm a tough crowd, trust me ;)
I liked your characters, though I have to say I'm with Albus and Chris on the drinking out of a carton thing...but that's just because I'm lazy :P I liked Rose and Ellie too, especially in the scene with Cassandra and how Ellie doesn't hold with that nonsense :D
The flow could've been better though, there was a lot of short, fragmented scenes that didn't lead on to each other. Plus, as conversations go, these were a little short. And a little bit of britpicking, we don't say malls, we say shopping centres or the name of the place ;)
Overall though, this is a really interesting story and I'd love to see how it plays out :D
~AishaAuthor's Response: Hola!
Ghost perception is a cut above your average gifts, I suppose! And thank goodness you found the humour okay! I have a really dorky sense of humour!
I drink out of the carton as well, so Albus, Chris, and I are all on the same page with that! And concerning Cassandra - you thought it was nonsense? Don't be too quick to dismiss...
I have problems with flow, so thank you for pointing that out. I endeavour to improve with concentrated effort, practise, and time! I don't know what I was thinking with malls - I'm Australian - we say shopping centres, too. I blame a reread of Nancy Drew for that!
Thanks for the review! Report Review
*McDonald's theme tune* I'm lovin' it!
But seriously, this is really good. I want to know what happens next! I'm also quite lame so I say clichés like that!
The story's got a really good intro so far, and the characters a really interesting, so please--for the good of HPFF-kind--WRITE MORE :)
I gave it a 9/10 because I'm psychotic and I got a bit confused at the start. I was like, 'Wait a second, Regulus Black died...and neither he or Sirius had kids... OH WAIT I get it now ;)'
Haha anyway love the story, keep writing!Author's Response: *ba da ba da da* :)
If you want to know what happens next, the good news is, half of the next chapter is written. The bad news is... half of the next chapter is written, and the other half is not.
But thank you so much for wanting more!
Oh, was the beginning confusing? I didn't mean for it to be that way! Well, I did, for like a moment, when you're like, "Wait - was that REGULUS BLACK?!?!" But then I wanted you all to be, "Wow, that's REGULUS BLACK!!!"
Thanks for the lovely review! Report Review
Oh I adore this story! Really, it's great. The flow is good, a nice pace so it does not get boring and it's still quite detailed.
I loved the bantering between Ellie and Al. I'm always a fan of bantering.
I like how you gave Ellie a git but don't make it too prominent yet. It's keeps the suspeance in the story.
I bet that gift is going to be usefull in the story to come. I'm curious where this is going. though I read some clue to that in the summary of course :)
This is going to be a great adventure I'm sure. You write it well.
If I can be so bold I would suggest to keep the romance off for a bit and first concertrate on the adventure. That will keep up the suspence, I think. (only a tip, don't take me to serious and go your own way...)
I love how you characterised Rose, with her fierce energy and her love for books. I wonder where she got the Devination side from... can't be her parents.
Ellie seems like a perfect match for her, indeed. I get that they are friends.
Keep up this great story and please feel free to request for the next chapter!
MayaAuthor's Response: Hello, and thanks for taking the time to review!
I'm glad to hear you're enjoying it so far! Pacing's a bit of an issue with me, so it's good to hear that you think it's cool.
And the gift is gonna come in handy, for sure! And yeah, dead giveaway in the summary!
Thanks for the suggestion! I'm not exactly sure how or when I'm going to introduce the romance, but I don't want it to become the focus of the story, so it shouldn't be happening too soon!
Rose is fun to write, simply because she's one of my more normal characters. And perhaps I shall reveal her reasons for being a believer later on! And yeah, they balance each other out well, although, there's no way to determine whether two people are going to be friends!
And I shall definitely be re-requesting! Report Review
lauradracolover with your review, eventually.
Mmm...I'm not sure what to make of Ellie; she's certainly a typical teenager being full of herself, cocky and not wanting to do what she wants to do.
I didn't see any problems with this story, and if you want to request, please feel free to do so.
LauraAuthor's Response: Hello!
Ellie is interesting, for sure. And she most definitely is a little cocky!
Thanks for the review! Report Review
I must say I loved the whole conversation with Regulus. While some people might have thought the TTYL bit night have been out of character I personally loved it as ghost should be able to pick up the modern culture too! I look forward to seeing more modern reference's from him! Also your description of Regulus did help me picture him fairly well which is good for a character not as well known in the potter universe.
I can't think of much that is wrong with this chapter, so well done there as I am really starting to like this story. I like what you've done with the plot line and am defiantly interested in finding out what Regulus thinks she will need his help with! I also love your characterization of Ginny as it really does fit with her character so big thumbs up on Ginny from me. I eagerly await your next chapter!
~HallowsAuthor's Response: The conversation with Regulus was a lot of fun to write - and the TTYL thing was a whim. I thought about taking it out, but somehow it survived the first draft (that's what you get for editing at 2am)! I'm glad you liked it!
And Regulus comes back! He'll be full of surprises! And I'm pleased you like Ginny, too! I was really nervous writing her!
Thanks for the review! Report Review
This is so sweet! Regulus was cocky and Sirius and just plain awesome... oohhh I sense drama with him.
If you continuw this (and you better), can you include a scene where Lily/James Potter (i) punches someone in the face?
Ohkay. I've got two unwritten assignments due tomorrow and it's 10.00pm so I should probably start working on them or something.Author's Response: Hello! Haha, yeah, I was in a really happy mood when I wrote this chapter, and I think it shows!
Regulus is so much fun to write! I'm glad you like him! And having Lily or James punch someone is actually a fantastic idea, except I don't know how I could just insert that into this story!
And good luck with your assignments! Report Review
This is a story that I really enjoyed reading especially the back and forth between Ellie and Albus. I is really quite entertaining to read and defiantly up my street for humor. I am also a fan of the fact that you have it started the story off outside of Hogwarts in there homes as it gives the story a bit of a difference from other stories, something that I must say I really enjoy. It's nice to see magical people in the muggle world.
There is one tip I would give you to improve this a little which is to add about of description about what your two OC's look like as for now I'm not quite sure. I only picked up on this as I have a tendency to do it myself so maybe it's something you could slip into a later chapter? Though your description of Albus was wonderful as I was able to picture him in the scene from your character's point of view. Keep up the good work!
~Hallows!Author's Response: Hello!
I'm glad you enjoyed the banter between Ellie and Albus. I enjoy writing Albus, so I'm happy to hear that you liked it! And yeah, starting a story at Hogwarts didn't feel like it would work for the plot - so another yay that you thought it was a bit original!
The physical descriptions of the OCs is planned for chapter 3, I think. I couldn't find a way to fit it in here, but it should definitely happen in chapter 3! There is a bit of description about what Chris looks like in the next chapter, but I'll probably expand on that. Thanks for the tip!
And thank you for the wonderful review! I'll be heading over now to re-request! Report Review
I'm back! :) Now, getting into the review.
I like how you've started each chapter with "you know life ain't normal when..." It really ties everything together and it's just cool, I guess.
Regulus is a really funny character. You can definitely see the similarities between him and Sirius, with the whole snarky attitude and smirking thing. I actually will admit that I laughed out loud with the whole "wifi" and "streaming episodes of Doctor Who" part.
I'm also really starting to like Ellie. You can see that this whole "seeing ghosts" thing is quite a nuisance to her, but she tries her best to work with it. She can also be quite sarcastic when she wants to. Overall, she's just a really good character.
On another note, THANK YOU for having Ellie refer to Ginny as "Mrs. P." Far too many next-gen fanfictions have the characters call her Ginny, and I'm over here like, "why have I never met a parent that's okay with that?"
Once again, you throw in some foreshadowing, and get me excited to see what's going to happen. Except now I don't have any more chapters to read... So update soon!
The science nerd in me got very excited with your use of "dihydrogen monoxide." I'm glad to know that I'm not the only person who refers to water by its chemical name in casual conversation. One little thing: the second time you wrote "monoxide," there was an extra "n." It's not a big deal; stuff like that happens to me all the time because I type faster than I think.
I actually had to re-read this chapter to try to find something to use as constructive criticism, but I really couldn't find anything. This chapter was extremely well-written.
Great job! I enjoyed reviewing these!
-ShadowRoseAuthor's Response: Those first lines are really hard to come up with sometimes! So I'm glad that they're working!
I really wanted to show the similarities between the two brothers, and I've always wanted to write Regulus this way. You always see him being mopey and angsty and a martyr, so I wanted to see what he'd be like if things were a little more normal.
Ellie will obviously be explored in more depth as the story progresses, as well as her "gift". You're right, of course, that it's annoying, and we should be able to see more of that later on. Good to hear that she's becoming more likeable!
It's too weird for me to reconcile the image of "Ginny" with "mother", so it made complete sense to me that she'd be Mrs P. And I have yet to meet a parent who was cool with that, too!
And I do hope to update soon! And I typo-ed monoxide? Gah! I think the pedantic science nerd inside just died a little. Thanks for pointing that out!
And I'm so flattered! Thanks for all the time and effort you put into these! I really appreciate it! Report Review
Hi there! I'm here with your requested review!
"You know your life ain't normal when you can see dead people." Now THAT'S how you start off a novel. Because after reading that, I was both confused and intrigued. Good job with the hook.
I don't know what it was, but when Ellie said, "I wasn't bouncing with excitement anymore," I was just like, "Aw..." Poor girl, not being able to tell anyone. That line in particular really gives the reader some sympathy for her.
One CC: when Ellie and Chris are visiting the graveyard, they go from being very serious to extremely peppy in like two seconds flat. I'm not sure if you meant it that way, but the change is a little sudden.
We've met Albus for five minutes and I like him already. He seems just like you would expect him to be, arrogant, but not to much so. I love how similar he and Chris already are (orange juice, anyone?), because it shows that Ellie COULD get along with Albus, because she gets along with Chris quite well.
I love how there are some slight hints in a change in Albus's behavior, like when he drops the banter for a moment. You can tell he actually wants that truce... Aww...
I love Rose's character. She's like the just right combination between her father and her mother, with Ron's humorous side, and Hermione's book nerd side.
The scene with Cassandra was just perfect. Especially when she was saying, "you can see things other cannot," and Ellie was thinking along the lines of, "well, I can see cake... oh yeah, and dead people too." I like how you used Cassandra for some foreshadowing, with the whole danger, suffering, and love thing. The happy birthday at the end was just the icing on cake (no pun intended).
Overall, I loved this chapter. Keep up the great work, and I'll see you at the next chapter!
-ShadowRoseAuthor's Response: Hello!
Thanks for that! I'm glad to hear that whilst you were confused, you were also intrigued enough to read on!
You see more about how the ghosts affect Ellie and her life a little later on. But yeah, I wanted to show really early that this gig wasn't a complete bed of roses!
Rereading that section, I think you have a point about the change in tone. I wanted to show a side of the two of them where they brush off a lot of heavy stuff really quickly, but perhaps I was a little overzealous in my efforts.
Albus is a fun character to write. He's more like his older brother (whom I hope you shall meet in chapter 3). Chris and Al are really similar because they've been friends for so long as well. Some habits have rubbed off on each other. And Albus wanting a change in their relationship will hopefully be explored a little further on as well!
Rose is one of my favourite characters as well. I tried really hard not to make her Hermione, but also not the anti-Hermione, so I'm glad to hear that I seem to have hit a balance.
The scene with Cassandra was surprisingly easy to write. The creepy things that Cassandra says just kept appearing on the screen... it was a bit creepy, actually.
And thanks once again for the wonderful review! Report Review
Don't worry, it wasn't too early to re-request :). I'm here to (finally) review your second chapter! This story really is enjoyable to read. The narrative is humorous, and the plot is unique!
First off, Regulus Black is a boss! Oh man, Ellie is my favorite, but Black is a close second. I think this is because of the way Ellie described his actions. I was just giggling over each line!
Geez, okay. This story just made my favorites, AND you have to update soon. I'm not going to even try to say anything more about this work. Instead, I'm going to list my favorite quotes and we're going to laugh about them, together:
-Ellie on the appearance of Regulus: "And dead, but who really cared about such trivial things?"
-Ellie on Regulus' smirk: "Yeah-I-almost-defeated-the-Dark-Lord-so-I'm-trying-to-be-humble"
-Ellie, after she asked Regulus if he knew he is dead: "Was a dead dude actually looking at me like I was stupid? The nerve!"
-Ellie on Regulus' cryptic messages: "Dead or not, teenage males were annoying as hell."
-Regulus on why he's still around: "Kitchen designs fascinate me."
-An epic Ellie narrative: "I was still aggressively trying to drink my water."
-Regulus on death: ". . .You get to wear those cool White robes, and chill in the clouds with Jesus (I choked on my own laughter at that part), and there's free wifi..."
-Regulus, leaving: "And I have to go. TTYL!"
-The closing statement: "But not before she hit me right in the feels."
Also, the Doctor Who references made me chuckle too. Bravo, my fellow Whovian, bravo.
Let's see, there wasn't a time when I skipped over any section of the chapter, because it was all marvelously hilarious (Two really long words to describe your comedy. Feel flattered!).
Oh, I did notice you have everything in the past tense, which is fine, but it might sound better if you put things in the present tense. Did that make sense? No?
Example: Noticing my glare, he grinned again. I could see and talk to ghosts, but I can’t actually touch them, so I knew it would be futile to take a swing at his face to wipe that stupid smile off his face.
You can change that to: Noticing my glare, he grins again. I can see and talk to ghosts, but I can't actually touch them, so I know it would be futile to take a swing at his face to wipe that stupid smirk off of his face.
It's not really a big deal, because everything else in your story is epic!
Anyways, I'm going to clean the "geek" off of my laptop. Thanks for the great read!
JackAuthor's Response: Hello! And thanks for dropping by!
Do you know, that I actually blushed whilst reading this? Seriously. This review is just so wonderful and flattering, that I sat in my bed and blushed for like five minutes straight. It was the weirdest thing.
Regulus Black, indeed, is a boss. I wanted him to be more like Sirius is often portrayed, just because I think it would be really fun to play off that character mould. It is nice to hear that you have let Ellie into your heart. She's not perfect, but I'm glad to hear she's still likeable.
As far as updates go, I'm halfway through the next chapter, which is nice, but I have to figure out how to start the other half. After that, it'll be all smooth sailing!
And I get what you mean about changing the tense from time to time. I'm terrible at tenses, so I tried really hard, especially in this chapter, to keep the tenses consistent. I think I'll have to work on making it feel natural, rather than correct all the time! Thanks for the advice though!
Thanks again for the amazing review! And as for cleaning the geek off your laptop - geek slime thickly coats practically everything I own. I salute you for attempting to clean that stuff off, because it's sticky! Report Review
Oh look at you and your foreshadowing, what fun! I'm not going to lie, I like your writing style, mostly because it's a lot like my own.
Anyways, I like the narrative of this piece. Ellie is certainly a sassy little thing ;) she doesn't take anything too seriously, which allows for her to reflect on sad things in her life without affecting the tone of this work too much.
I'm going to have to say that Albus is my favorite. Why? Because he's a boss! If that kitchen scene wasn't outright flirting, then I don't even know what flirting is anymore! Seriously, that kid is my hero: "You said something, love?" Oh man, I seriously wish I was confident like him!
Right...so moving on: I've grown somewhat attached to each of the characters you've presented to me (some more than others...), which is fantastic! The aloof father...the musically gifted brother...the gullible best friend...the sexy beast future boyfriend (*cough* awkward *cough*).
Overall, I was laughing and giggling like a teenage girl whilst reading this chapter. Thanks for sending it to me to review!
soapman333Author's Response: Hello!
Yes, me and my foreshadowing - and it is fun... or it will be. And thanks for liking my writing style. Sometimes I think I write a little too weirdly.
Ellie does seem to not take things too seriously. More about that is revealed later, but a lot of it comes from the fact that she was exposed to pretty serious stuff from a young age, and she kinda learnt to let it go, and not become overly angsty about it.
Very few people picked up on that! So well done! Yeah, Albus is flirting a little, but Ellie doesn't realise it at all. It kind of sets the precedent for almost all their conversations.
You're attached to the characters already? That's wonderful! There's another major one that you'll meet in the next chapter (for which I shall go rerequest as soon as I've finished this reply) and I think you'll like them as well!
And thank you so much for your wonderful review! Report Review
800 words of heaven,
I'm sorry if unique isn't what you were aiming for but I personally haven't read many only-I-can-see-them ghost stories. But also, The fact that there is not only two realms of the dead but three is what I find different but you seemed insulted by my statement that this story seems unique to me.
I'm surprised that Chris has absolutely no idea that his twin sister is hiding something from him. Being twins and only five when she found out, I find it odd that she actually was able to keep it hidden from the one person she was probably closest to while growing up. I would think he would have a small inkling that something is off with his sister besides the normal oddness she displays.
Ellie was cracking me up throughout this chapter by referring to Regulus Black as the hot dead person. Interesting take of her lot in life with the ghosts. At least she can check out some hot dead guys.
Ginny was great and sweet and the perfect mother I thought she would be.
MegAuthor's Response: Oh my gosh! I wasn't offended! Quite the opposite, actually. I felt really flattered and didn't know how to handle it/show my gratitude! I'm sorry! I really appreciated what you said!
I think Chris does know something, but I haven't really developed their relationship much yet. Ellie can be a bit oblivious to things sometimes. A couple of people actually suspect (I'm not naming any names) that something weird is going on, and Chris is one of them - but I promise to go more into that!
Ellie can be like that, sometimes. She has quite an interesting perspective on her lot in life. I blame it on the ghosts!
And yay! You liked Ginny! I like Ginny, so I wanted other people to like her as well!
And thank you for the amazeballs review! Report Review
800 words of heaven,
It is unipue idea to have witch that can see a certain type of ghosts that not all magical beings can see. It will definantly make this interesting as the story progress's.
I like Ellie's realistic but snarky attitude she has going on. The chemistry between Ellie and Albus is great even if they don't exactly see it yet and I would love to see how that develops through the story.
I like that you mentioned what happened to her mother and told a short story behind it and didn't feel the need to dwell on it. It was sad but ended on a good note that Ellie never saw her mother after her death.
Rose is fun and not what I normally see in next-gen. Normally she is a bit more like her mother but it is a bit refreshing to see Rose characterized differently. She added a bit of fun to the chapter by dragging Ellie around.
I hope you continue to write.
Megthechef43 aka MegAuthor's Response: Hello!
You think it is a unique idea? I mean, there are lots of only-I-can-see-them ghost stories out there... I hope it works!
Yes! Ellie and Albus were surprisingly easy to write - I often have trouble getting the chemistry to work, but I'm so pleased to hear that you think it worked!
I might include more about her mother's death later on. It was obviously a big deal, and had a major impact on her life.
I really wanted Rose to be normal. Ellie can be quite high strung at times, and I didn't want two high strung characters like that - they'd worry each other to bits!
Thank you so much for your lovely review! Report Review
Terms of Service
categories & genres
short story collection