Reading Reviews for Not Normal
  
269 Reviews Found

Review #1, by maraudertimes {Chapter the Sixth}

23rd September 2014:
I'm back!

So I couldn't very well review the Around the World story since I've reviewed every chapter so far and there hasn't been a new one in a while (slightly judgemental eyebrow raise because it's really amazing and you should get on that, but no matter) ;) so I'm back for this chapter! Yay!

Ugh, that ghost story (lol) made me so sad. To have your significant other die in a car crash? That's awful! I do hope it's his ghost though, and not some random ghost. It would be cute if maybe he just wanted to say "I love you" or "Goodbye," that is, if Alexia would believe the whole ghost thing.

I kind of miss Regulus, although I suspect Ellie doesn't mind, especially with Albus spreading rumours about her supposed "boyfriend" (the Galileo bit was brilliant!). But he adds some not-needed comedy that I love (not-needed because everything else is already so hilarious).

The secret passageway thing was obscenely crazy! Books in a hidden storage room in a library? No way! Okay, okay, but the actual thing with the stone lion and snake and badger and eagle all coming to life (and the badger booping the snake) was priceless and really cool. It's so mysterious so now you have to just keep writing to continue with it! I need to know how this scary room with it's eternal flame will be used!

Great job, I absolutely loved it, as always! Keep going because you can't stop now!
Lo :)

Author's Response: I did think that you'd probably reviewed Around the World since I think you've basically read everything I've ever written, for which I am very thankful *hugs*

The ghost story is very sad, but also not. I want to highlight that about Ellie in the coming chapters. She deals with a lot of sad stuff, but she deals with it surprisingly well, usually by shoving it behind her sarcasm, but still. We'll see.

I miss Regulus too! He was going to be in this chapter, but then I had to delete him. That made me incredibly sad, but he just had to go. Hopefully in the next chapter, though. Because obviously Ellie needs more strife in her life!

The secret passageway scene was such a surreal thing to write, because I knew what was coming up, but I had to keep putting all these obstacles in her way. Like, it was so frustrating, because I just wanted to get to the good stuff already! I'm glad that it worked!

Thanks so much for the lovely review! It's always nice to hear from you!


 Report Review

Review #2, by simplelullaby {Chapter the Second}

15th August 2014:
Heya! It's simplelullaby over from the forums here with your review. Excuse my tardiness :/

This chapter was so hilarious! I read the entire thing with a smile on my face, humour has always been a weak point for me so it's amazing when I see an adept at work - amazing.

Technical:

I really couldn't see much of anything that distracted me from the story, but then again I'm not the ruling authority on all-things grammar. Oh well, at least know that there aren't any glaring typos lying out there to trip your readers up!

Characterisation:

This was a very Ellie-centric chapter. I loved that you took the time to focus on HER. I know the chapter before was intended to let me get to know her, but I feel like this chapter let me know Ellie NOW rather than her past. She's a very funny gal. It's obvious you know who she is, and that's brilliant. Little lines (I especially loved the one about Ellie only enjoying her own sarcasm) helped to build her character without it seeming like you were feeding us information just for the sake of it. Skilfully done!

One thing I would say about Ellie is that there wasn't much physical description of HER in it, though you did well to have her describe everyone else. I would have liked to see a little more of that, but really that's a nitpick if anything. Also there were two sections that I felt were a little off. The straight jacket part - of course it would be right to say it a little for a joke, but I couldn't believe that Ellie really thought there was a straight jacket in that box? That section went on a little more than was believable in my opinion. And the second part, "feels." I just really don't like that word. May be personal preference (probably is *whistles*), but thought I should mention it all the same!

One part of your characterisation that I am completely loving is the little bits and bobs your having Ellie dot in about others that add to their characters, without them even being in the room. It's a very REAL element, we as people don't just think of people when they're in front of our noses. I loved the dad reference (again, I loved the fact that he thought two-minute noodles were a sufficient meal, he's fast becoming my spirit animal!), and of course the parts about Albus Potter were brilliant. You've managed to strengthen him when he didn't even make an appearance in the chapter, it's really rather good.

Now let's talk about Regulus Black. Curiouser and curiouser. I love that you've used Regulus Black, of all the people in the world, to be this vessel of mystery, this important ghost in Ellie's life. It's always great when people bring back canon characters in imaginative ways, and this story is VERY imaginative so why would I expect any less? ANYway, I loved his characterisation. Styling him like his brother, Ellie being a teenage girl having to mention how hot he was, and then comparing him to a certain Potter boy? It all points to how much effort you've put into this fic, and how well-rounded and well-thought out your characters are. Well done!

To be honest, your characterisation is your strongest aspect. I can't rip it apart because there's nothing to rip apart. Sorry!

Plot:

Ooh it's getting god. I like that it's slowed down, as I mentioned above it's good that you've taken a chapter to focus on Ellie, adding Regulus, Chris and Ginny in to make sure we remember that she's just come out of a party, and to highlight just how much of herself she has to hide from those closest to her.

It was a completely different chapter from the first. I mentioned in my first review that the flow was a little off, especially in your transitions, but here your chapter flowed neatly from one moment to the next. It felt natural that Chris would come looking for his sister, and then Ginny. It also felt natural that Regulus, who's obviously got something more up his sleeve than smirks and sarcasm, would wait until Ellie was alone to torment her with hints and half-truths. He reminded me a little of Dobby in CoS, when the little House Elf warns Harry but doesn't explicitly say. Regulus is your version of Dobby! Ha!

If I had to pick on your plot specifically, I would say that the amount of time Regulus hangs around, and specifically when Chris comes to see Ellie is a little long. But to be honest, again, I'm just nitpicking.

Setting:

Here is where I usually berate a writer for not exercising their setting muscles, and though you could probably do with a little more setting description here and there, it really is nothing major. Having Regulus jokingly attach himself to kitchen, mentioning the tiles and the splashboard and the like - that really did wonders for your setting. I WOULD suggest to add more, only I think that that would interrupt the flow. I don't think Ellie as a character notices much around her, at least that's how you have portrayed her, unless it was a new place. So...yeah, that's my extremely helpful advice there :/

Overall:

Brilliant brilliant brilliant! I'm sorry, I really am failing at ripping it apart, even more so than the last chapter. But if you look at it differently, then it's your fault for not giving me things to rip into!

There it is! Hope you liked it again, feel free to rerequest again!

Keep Writing

~Aimee~

Author's Response: Heya! Excuse my tardiness for replying :P

I'm so very happy that this made you happy. I like writing humour, but it's so subjective that I'm always a little worried about it. I'm so very pleased that you liked it - and OMG! An adept? *blushes*

Technical: There are probably some spelling and grammar mistakes in here - there always are, but it's a good thing if both of us missed them, right? ;P

Characterisation: You're completely right - this chapter is really all about Ellie. The first chapter introduces the story, the second introduces Ellie. I'm happy that you feel as if my understanding of her translates well into the story. It's the hardest thing to do, to be honest, putting the character I have in my head into words eloquently.

Physical description of her comes in the next chapter, if memory serves me correctly. I tend not to spend a lot of time describing myself, so it takes a while for Ellie to describe herself (the woes of having only one perspective in first person). She does eventually get around to it though. The straight-jacket scene... yeah - I got a bit carried away, didn't I? I have a long way to go about learning the nuances of humour, as this case proves. Thanks for mentioning it! And "feels" was included to show that she's a product of her muggle times. Some people like the word, some don't. It's cool. I personally don't like the word "snog".

Gosh! Having Ellie as the sole narrator is proving to be quite the challenge! How do I make well-rounded secondary characters when the entire story is written looking through the eyes of just one person? I'm so pleased that you find Ellie's little asides about other people in her life are actually helping characterisation, rather than hindering it.

Regulus... sighs. I love writing him. My bias shows. And I definitely wanted Regulus to be more like Sirius. He doesn't have the pressure of being a very young Death Eater, or that he has to destroy a Horcrux. When you take all that away, what's left? That's the question I wanted to answer. I hope he continues to be as interesting!

Plot: The plot slows down quite a bit for the next couple of chapters or so. I take a really long time to get anywhere with it - but I'll save that for my next review request :P I sacrifice a lot of plot for character development, and I think that's a detriment to the story, but again - for another review!

Regulus staying too long? Like I said, I love writing him, and my bias shows. It's one of my worse writing habits, and one that I'm trying to get rid of.

Setting: I could always do with more description - it is my greatest weakness! And you're right on both accounts: we get a lot of odd descriptions from Regulus, and Ellie definitely doesn't notice physical things as much as she should.

Overall: Thank you so much for your lovely review! You've given me heaps to think about, and I'm seeing this story from a different perspective, which is something that is always needed.

Thanks once again :)


 Report Review

Review #3, by BellaLestrange87 {Chapter the First}

9th August 2014:
Review Tag!

This is an excellent start to this story. Ellie has a very-well-defined personality, and I like the way that you mix humour into her thoughts.

On another note, Ellie tells Rose that she doesn't want to go shopping because she doesn't like the "air-conditioned commercialism". I don't know if wizards would have air conditioning - they are described as being behind the Muggles in terms of technology.

That's just a very minor thing, though, and doesn't detract from this amazing chapter! 9/10

~Olivia

Author's Response: Hello! *waves*

I'm glad you like it :) Ellie is a pleasure to write so I'm pleased that you like her so far.

Wizards probably have air-conditioning (like cooling charms or something?) but not in the way that Ellie means it. Ellie definitely means it from a super muggle point of view. Her "muggle heritage" is quite strong and it becomes more apparent as the story goes on that she struggles with reconciling these two sides of her.

Thanks for the lovely review :)


 Report Review

Review #4, by ginnypotter242 {Chapter the First}

7th August 2014:
Hello! I'm here for your requested review! First, I'm so so sorry that this is such a late review- I definitely meant to get to this much earleir!

This was an interesting first chapter. The 'seeing dead people' gift definitely intrigued me (and reminded me a little bit of the show Ghost Whisperer, which I used to be obsessed with). It's definitely a unique thing, I don't see that in many stories! I hope to get more information on her gift, and see what comes from it! The beginning of this chapter was very nice and hooked me in with the explanations.

It's so sad about their mother! Losing a parent at that age must be hard, especially if the other parent goes off into lala land after the death. I'm glad Ellie never saw her mom's spirit though- that would have been something interesting to explain! I like the relationship between Chris and Ellie, it's very sweet. I like that she's not jealous of him! The relationship between Ellie and Rose is cute too, I like how you didn't make Rose a carbon-copy of her mother.

I'd like to see a little bit more elaboration on Ellie and Albus' relationship: why they don't like each other, and their differences in personality. I'd like to see more of this Ellie who can't make one friend- I didn't really see that much of her in this chapter- she didn't seem all that shy or introverted.

This was a good introduction chapter though, I really enjoyed it. It kept my interest the whole way through, and it was an enjoyable read :)

Again, I'm super sorry this review is so late. I decided to review chapter one, so I could see the difference between now and your latest chapter, so if you'd like me to review more, feel free to come back and request some more (and hopefully get the review in a quicker time!) Anyway, good job on this chapter!

~Sara

Author's Response: Don't worry about it! Stuff happens :)

There was a time when I was in love with Ghost Whisperer also. I think this story shows some of that :P I'm glad that you're interested. First chapters can be hard to write that way.

Ellie's relationship with her dad is very interesting as a result of it. Actually, both Ellie and Chris have an interesting relationship because of it. It would definitely be difficult. And I didn't want to write a sibling rivalry for these two - they're too adorable by half for something like that. Rose holds a special place in my heart, and I think that shows. I'm always very happy when other people also like Rose.

Ellie and Albus' relationship... It is elaborated upon, but very slowly. Albus is difficult to write so I do something very bad and not focus on him as much *hangs head in shame* But hopefully the dynamics of their relationship become clearer as the story moves forward.

Thank you so much for reading and reviewing! I'll be sure to pop in when a free slot opens up in your thread :)


 Report Review

Review #5, by UnluckyStar57 {Chapter the Sixth}

6th August 2014:
*shuffles in awkwardly after an atrociously long amount of time* HI!!

I'm SO sorry that I haven't reviewed this chapter until now. With the HC and real life getting in the way, I had no time for normal review requests. (And then Event Five made me want to take a break from reviewing. You know how it goes.)

But here I am, back again to give you my thoughts about this chapter!

My first thought: Yay!! There's finally a new chapter!!! :D I sincerely love this story, along with all of Ellie's insanity and Albus' snarkiness. :)

And so, to get myself up to speed for this chapter, I reread all of the previous ones. (It was well worth the time, I assure you!) :D

Something that I would like to see more of in future chapters: At the beginning of this story, you mentioned that Ellie's brother, Chris (that's his name, right?), played a lot of musical instruments and was extremely good at composing songs. Well, is that going to come back anytime soon? I'm a music major in university, and I really like it when music shows up in fanfic. Is there any way that you could weave his musical prowess into the plot? :D

Just a thought. :)

Now, to speak of this chapter:

So Ellie FINALLY figures out what the gap in the shelves is for, and it's going to add a whole lot more fun to the story, I'm sure! Not only does she have ghosts dogging her every step, but now she has a mystery to solve! And she's not like Nancy Drew or Trixie Belden--she's actually crazy and goofy and awesome. :D

I loved your description of how the lion, snake, eagle, and badger interact on the stone. The booping of the snake's nose was so cute! :D But behind the stone was an incredible mystery--what's it doing behind a library shelf in Hogwarts? Is it some sort of gift that Rowena Ravenclaw left behind, similar to Slytherin's Chamber? (It's in the library, so that's why I asked.)

A note about all of the references to different fandoms/works of literature: I enjoy those references. They make me chuckle. :D But I think that using Sense and Sensibility is taking it a little bit too far. Using the names of people is fine--I could imagine Ellie saying things like "Holy Shakespeare" and "Good gravy, Galileo!", but "Holy Sense and Sensibility" is a phrase that I can't really picture anyone saying. BUT! That was the only complaint that I had with any of this chapter. Everything else--the writing style, the timing of jokes, the descriptions--was spot on. :)

To talk about the beginning of the chapter: Oh Albus, you meddling jerk. Spilling all of Ellie's secrets to Ben! Gah! Why can't he just admit that he's in lurve with Ellie already? Everything would work itself out, right? (Well, probably not.)

And it looks like Ellie's got a new ghostie to investigate, on top of everything else she's got going on. Why is the ghost of Charlie-call-me-Chuck haunting his ex-girlfriend? What's going on there?

I guess I'll wrap this incredibly odd review up now, but not without saying this:

PLEASE write/post the seventh chapter soon! I can't wait to read more, and I have so many questions that could be answered in future chapters! I want to know these things! I want to ship Albus and Ellie, but I can't right now because they're still in Snarkytown. :P

So goodbye for now! I'll see you at the next chapter! :D

~UnluckyStar57

Author's Response: Aww! Don't feel bad! I'm terrible with keeping up with reviewing myself so I'm just so impressed that you've put in the effort for this story *hugs*

I was pretty excited to post this chapter. I take so long with updates on this one for some reason, because I really enjoy writing it.

I haven't written as much of Chris as I would like. Him and his music awesomeness shall be putting in an appearance very soon...

Ellie is not really cut out for the detective business, but I imagine she read heaps of Nancy Drew novels when she was younger, so she totally thinks she is. Oh, how wrong you are, Ellie...

And I can't say too much about the secret room because it's secret! Also future plot points are in the future, so... NO SPOILERS!

Those references Ellie makes... I went ridiculously overboard with them in this chapter. I think I'll have to dial them down. They lose their effect a little because I use them so often :P Thank you for your feedback on that!

Oh, Albus indeed! And I don't know why he can't admit his feelings - actually I do, but I can't say that :P

Ellie's adventures are just beginning. She's in for a jam-packed year for sure!

I've started planning the next chapter so an update shall be happening soonish! Hopefully faster than this one at least...

Thank you so much for this lovely review :)


 Report Review

Review #6, by AdinaPuff {Chapter the Sixth}

30th July 2014:
Hi!

Oh my gosh. Ellie is so amazing. She cracks me up.

And gee, can Albus get any more attractive, with the constant questions and smirks, and teasing. Just holy crap.

And Reg tho. Like he's just so funny. I love his character. He's so far my favorite character. Well, him and Al. Al and Reg are actually my two favorite characters to read fanfics about.

So naturally, of course, I'm in love with this. LIKE SERIOUSLY THO HOMIE. I'm dying for another chapter. Now. Please. Thank you.

And d'aw at scorpius's blushing. So adorable. I love how real you make it seem, with him blushing. It's not believable when a character is all cool about asking someone out. Well, it is, but it's obvious that nothing is going to happen in the end. But I feel a ScoRose coming on. It's gonna be weaved into the plot. I FEEL IT.

Or, I could be completely off. Either one. I still love this story :D

So, yeah. Update soon, find your muse, and enjoy yourself while you write this. :)

TTYL

-Leigh

Author's Response: Hello!

I'm very happy that Ellie makes you laugh. She's supposed to be a humorous character without being too over the top. Just enough so one stays amused!

I have great difficulty writing Albus, so I'm incredibly flattered that you like him. I feel as if I'm heading in the right direction with him.

Regulus is one of my favourite characters to write. If I could, I'd include him in every single chapter, but unfortunately I cannot :(

I didn't want to write a confident Scorpius. That sort of role was already being filled by Albus, and for me, that was enough - I was having too much trouble with him alone. And there is definitely some Scorose in the air...

Thank you so much for reading and reviewing :)


 Report Review

Review #7, by AdinaPuff {Chapter the First}

30th July 2014:
Hi!

Sorry for such a wait--life can be a drag. But I'm here now, and that's what counts. Right? (Here's where you say right)

Anyways.

I am LOVING this so far. Like holy crap, I'm definitely going to be reading on through the other five chapters. I love the family and friend scenario you've set up, what with she and Chris being close twins, and Ellie despising Albus. And of course, she's friends with Rose. Rose seems like a handful. But I'm a good way! She seems like one of those kind of wild friends. Though I could be completely misinterpreting that, too.

Her gift is quite creepy, but I like it. I think it's neat, being that only she and a select few others can see them. And Chris being a musician? I love it.

Great job! I love it.

-Leigh

Author's Response: I feel you. Real life can be terribly inconvenient at times :P

I'm very happy that you like it! Chris is great. Albus is terrible to write. And Rose seems like a handful, but Ellie would be bored without her. She has an anchoring influence on her.

Creepy gifts are the best gifts. You can have the most fun with them :P

Thanks for reading and reviewing :)


 Report Review

Review #8, by DoctorUnderwood {Chapter the Sixth}

30th July 2014:
Wow! What a great story! I can't wait to read the rest of this story. I love how it's quite humorous, but with a more dark/serious undertone.

Author's Response: I'm glad you enjoyed it! The next chapter is partly planned so an update should be soonish :)

 Report Review

Review #9, by simplelullaby {Chapter the First}

30th July 2014:
Hiya, it's simplelullaby from the review forums here for your review. I know you said take it apart, but there's not much to tear apart! Seriously, this is pretty brilliant.
Okay, onto your review

Technical:

Wee typo "ThankFlamel" instead of "Thank Flamel."

"meaning that the Healers had barely designed a cure for one strain THAT another popped up." Maybe change that to WHEN?

"making a mental note not to drink the orange juice.Brahe only knew what kinds" Space before starting a new sentence. Also, what or who is Brahe? :p

"I'd given the first book a go, and from what I'd read, that was about the extent of action the hero was getting, getting squashed into Rose's bosom." Maybe use another word instead of getting? Was a bit confusing.

Characterisation:

You do very well with characterisation. In just a few words you manage to make your characters REAL. Ellie is brilliant, you make both versions (5 and 17) subtly different, but similar enough to still be the same person. Going really nitpicky, maybe add a little more description of her physical appearance? You say she and Chris are twins, but there's no description of either one. Are the similar in looks, or different?

Chris is also brilliant. I like you that you introduce him subtly and easily, with no big block text at the beginning. You pepper his introduction throughout the entire chapter, adding bits here and there as Ellie remembers them. He is an unimposing yet as the chapter ends he's very necessary, both in linking the Potters and the Andersons in Chris' friendship with Albus, while still allowing Ellie to hate him. If Chris wasn't there, there wouldn't be anything like that, so brilliant! I literally cannot think of any notes for him, except from the same as Ellie.

I always have a soft spot for minor characters, and your description of their dad is brilliant! His scatter-brained, speaking in different languages (I really want to know what the Finnish Fiasco was, like a whole chapter dedicated to just that :P). Your description of him trying to float away with their mother was really heartbreaking. Don't do stuff like that in first chapters, man! (joking, it was brilliant).

Albus' character is pretty great, though the way he's introduced confused me a little bit. Maybe have a little description of him entering first, and then his dialogue, instead of the other way around. I know he was meant to pop out of nowhere, but it was still a wee bit confusing for ma' tiny wee brain. Maybe have his entrance a little more like Rose's, cause that one was great. I like that you just introduced two of the Wotters instead of the whole brood, because that would've been a little bit of overload. Your physical descriptions of both Albus and Rose are great, with emphasis on Albus'. His physical description was probably the best of the chapter. Rose's personality is brilliant, I love that she unashamedly believes in Divination despite her Ravenclaw roots. Brilliant!

Plot:

It's great (sorry!). It flows well, there's a great balance of dialogue and description, and you never overstay your welcome on certain parts.

One part to maybe look at is the "I too ended up at the tree at the back of the Potter's backyard." It was a little confusing and took me a while to understand that you were describing their first meeting. As a whole, your transitions to the next part of the story are a little shaky (to be honest I only really noticed this because the rest of it was so strong), though once you get into the next part it gets great again. Maybe look at those parts, pad them a bit with Ellie's internal monologue, a little description and the like.

As a first chapter it works very well. You don't waste any time in getting straight to the point, your first line states that she see's dead people (sixth sense moment, perchance?), immediately setting your story apart from the rest. It grabs the reader and makes them immediately want to move on (I'm itching to hit the next chapter button sooo much).

Setting: You don't really mention setting as much as the rest, but saying that only a little more is needed to make it good. Maybe add a few details here and there to make the scene a little more well rounded, and you'll be golden.

Overall: I love it (have I mentioned that before?) It's a unique idea, executed well, obviously planned out and thought about beforehand. You've spent time developing your characters and it shows. Just a few tweaks, a little more setting description here and there and it'll be amazing.

Hope you liked my review, though I feel I may have failed miserably at tearing your story to pieces :( Feel free to rerequest if you feel so inclined.

Keep Writing

~Aimee~

Author's Response: Hello *waves sheepishly for late reply*

Thank you for pointing out the typos. I have made a note of them in my draft, and when I edit this chapter (again) I shall be sure to fix them up. I HATE typos!

I'm very pleased that you found Ellie's characterisation good! Writing her at the age of five was difficult because writing children is HARD. How do you make a kid sound precocious without making them sound too old? And I'm super happy that they still feel as the same person :) A physical description is included (because I often forget them) but I think it's in chapter three (see what I mean about forgetting?). It IS there!

Chris... is proving to be one of the harder characters to write. I'm pleased that you like his introduction though! I'm glad it felt natural.

I should write a whole chapter just dedicated to the Finnish Fiasco... it was indeed, quite the fiasco. Their father is quite fun to write because I've never written a character like that before. He's adorable.

I'll have a look at Albus' introduction. He is hands down the hardest character to write in this entire story and I think that shows a little. And Rose holds a special place in my heart so I'm always really happy when others also like her.

Transitions hate me for some reason. That's one thing I'm constantly working to improve. Thank you for your feedback on them! I've added them to my drafts and I shall see what I can do when it once again comes to editing time!

Description is also a weak point - perhaps why setting always loses out. I shall endeavour to improve!

I'm really pleased that you enjoy the story! I haven't rerequested because I wanted to reply to your wonderful review first! I loved hearing your opinions and your feedback was very helpful. Thank you for reviewing :)


 Report Review

Review #10, by DoctorUnderwood {Chapter the First}

29th July 2014:
"I eyed his chest suspiciously, wondering if he was still in possession of both his nipples." This has got to be the funniest chapter in fan fiction, perhaps even literature.

But on a serious note, I greatly enjoyed this chapter. It has a lot of potential and I'm interested to see where you take it. Count me in for the rest of the story!

Author's Response: That line was an addition in one of the edits, so I'm very pleased you like it!

Thank you for reading! I'm very happy that you're enjoying it :D


 Report Review

Review #11, by mymischiefmanaged {Chapter the First}

29th July 2014:
Hiya,

I'm here from the forums with your requested review.

Okay, first sentence is fab. You immediately give us something interesting about your main character and bring us straight into a clearly strong plot so I love that.

It's lovely having her great-grandmother explaining things to her and you get the childlike voice perfectly. I'm a big fan of stories with twins so I'm looking forward to seeing more of her and Chris together.

The Great Magical Flu epidemic is an original idea and it's sweet seeing their Dad trying to manage his job alongside being a single parents. The forgetting which language to speak encapsulates this cleverly.

I'm enjoying seeing an arrogant Albus. Most people (myself included) write him as a more steady character than James so it's really interesting to see him written this way. I'm anticipating some drama as a result of Al and Chris being best friends later on in the story.

I like what we've seen of Rose so far, and the fortune teller was a good way to kick off the main plot. Also the cake sense made me laugh out loud.

The only criticism I'd have is that the pacing seems a bit off for a first chapter. You seem torn between giving us as much back story as possible and going in for fast paced dialogue to get the plot moving and introduce the characters.

I'd be tempted to split this into a prologue and a chapter one. The prologue could begin with Ellie and Chris in the graveyard, explain their Mother's death and Ellie's skill, and finish with them returning home to their father. Then Chapter One could be the funny, snappy dialogue, introduce Al and Rose and go into the fortune telling. I think it would make it a bit easier to read and would make your writing style feel more consistent, but this is just a personal opinion.

I really enjoyed this chapter anyway. Feel free to re-request for future chapters.

Emma x

Author's Response: So who is a slow replier of reviews? *puts hand up sheepishly*

I'm happy you like the first sentence! It's so important.

Writing children is super hard, I learnt. I'm pleased that you found her voice appropriate.

Oh, goodness. Ellie and Chris' dad... it was very sad writing him, but I'd also never written a character like that, so also very exciting as well. I'm glad that you liked him!

I played around with the idea of writing a less arrogant Albus. I wouldn't say that he's not steady, but I get what you mean - he's usually a lot more mellow than James. I have a scene planned further on where they're both together side by side, so their differences might be more noticeable. But yes, he's definitely inspired by James' typical portrayal! And so much drama!

Ellie's cake sense is the best thing in the world. I wish I had it.

The pacing! Yes! I know the feeling about which you are speaking! This chapter has been worked and reworked to try and get it right! It shall be reworked some more (I'm always reworking the first chapter).

I actually like your suggestion. A prologue is a super cool idea and one I hadn't considered. Hmm... I have made a note of it in my drafts and I shall see what I can do...

Thanks for reading and reviewing :) It was lovely!


 Report Review

Review #12, by marauderfan {Chapter the Sixth}

26th July 2014:
Review Tag!

Aaaahh a new chapter! Most exciting thing ever.

Haha, Ellie trying to point out a Ravenclaw at the Ravenclaw table. It's like when you're trying to subtly point something out to someone by nodding your head and they don't get it and you have to point anyway. The worst.

Ghost boyfriend! Ellie's ghost-stalking is such a neat talent. I'm really excited to read more about it :P

Wouldn't life be just that much easier if things were marked with titles like THIS WAY TO SECRET PASSAGE ?? That'd be really helpful.

Mmm, dead skin cells from the Renaissance. Just what everyone wants to inhale. Ooh, she found the passage! She could totally sign up for Indiana Jones' next artifact raiding/adventuring expedition.

Hogwarts is made of basalt? Omg the passage probably leads into an old, extinct volcano full of ghosts. Hooray for persistence though, she found it. I liked that scene though, how it wasn't just like she looked and there it was, there was quite the process involved in finding it!

flattened woodchips covered in ink and bound in the hide of a dead animal. -- Hahahah... I love the way Ellie sees/rephrases the world. I will never think of books again the same way.

Why all the violent awakenings, homies? -- What I will say when I wake up all the time from now on.

Deep-ocean trench bioluminescence is the coolest. Also I love that Ellie can recognise rock types and incorporates that into her narration, haha! And sees copper chloride rather than thinking "ooh that's a cool flame". She certainly sees the world in a different way.

Well, I have no idea what just happened, as I doubt Ellie really knows either. But there's a secret passage in the library! And it's full of copper chloride and limestone and creepy statues! And she like, left the door open when she went back to her bed. Is someone going to notice? :P

Wow, also I'm sorry that this review is literally nothing but a stream of consciousness ramble as I read the chapter. Anyway, it was a great chapter! I am so curious to find out more about the hidden room, and about the ghost finding, and just anything else Ellie says because it's all brilliant.

Great job on this chapter!

Author's Response: Yes! Finally a new chapter! Woohoo!

Ellie's struggles are real. Life can be annoying.

Yes! I am very excited about the ghost boyfriend also!

It would definitely make life easier if we had THIS WAY TO SECRET PASSAGE signs, but I think it would also sort of defeat the purpose... and half the fun.

She's so good at finding things it's a wonder she isn't in Hufflepuff. Another small wonder is that all of Hufflepuff isn't in the cast of Indianna Jones.

Haha! I love the idea of Hogwarts being built into a volcano! But I did a little research and learnt that Scotland does indeed have basalt, so it was a conveniently coloured rock out of which to build the castle. Your idea is cooler though.

The way Ellie sees things... it's a lot of fun writing her that way. She's like super nerdy but also super goofy at the same time, and that makes for some interesting turns of phrase.

Ellie reads too many geology books. She needs to stop. I can imagine her running a tumblr science blog or something, actually.

Poor Ellie! Her night of adventuring is turning out to be too exciting for her, isn't it? But yes! Secret passages! Statues! Geology! Woohoo!

I loved this review! It was lovely reading your thoughts :) Thank you


 Report Review

Review #13, by lexiatel {Chapter the First}

6th July 2014:
Wow, that was unexpected, them living next to the Potters!

This was my favorite line: I went vegetarian for six months after that.

I think all little girls do this once in their life, lol

I love Albus' character, it's new to me, usually he's always sweet. I love his arrogance, totally worth reading, lol.

Rated it a 9/10.

House Cup 2014 Review

Author's Response: Everyone must go vegetarian at some point for some time in their lives, if only for the novelty. I'm glad you enjoyed the chapter - especially Albus since he can annoying to write from time to time!

 Report Review

Review #14, by TidalDragon {Chapter the Sixth}

27th June 2014:
Howdy! It has been awhile!

Starting with the questions you specifically asked, I think "fit" is fine, in any sense you might have meant that. The characterization of Ellie remained consistent on that front and as far as the plot is concerned, the content of the chapter seemed to mesh with advancing it throughout the chapters entirety. As far as flow, things moved naturally from scene to scene.

I think plot development was somewhat of a mixed bag. Certainly this chapter developed the plot in a substantial way, but without revealing everything. At the same time though, I thought Ellie's exploration of the crack and what lies behind it was too hurried. When confronted with a potentially dangerous place that one has never before encountered, I imagine an explorer being much more cautious and noticing more detail than Ellie did. In hurrying to the room with the statues and the flame, I think there was a missed opportunity to get very descriptive and really put us inside the initial area, which I think would have either dovetailed or contrasted (depending on how you view the two areas) very nicely with the more detailed description you gave of the final room.

A few more minor things jumped out at me from the rest of the chapter. First, there was distinct segment that read like a hit-parade of Muggle items/references. I recall that Ellie has a Muggle parent, but this again seemed excessive and was definitely noticeable. Second was her profanity. None of it struck me as particularly necessary or impactful, which (at least in my humble opinion) profanity should be if it is going to be used. The same sentiments or emotions can be conveyed without it, often in a stronger way because it actually forces you to rely on description of appearance and demeanor and/or dialogue tags and delivery to convey the message. Just a thought.

Hope you found the review helpful! I'm glad to see you're posting again after a bit of a break!

Author's Response: It has, indeed! Exhibit A of my lazy and sporadic updates!

I'm glad that you find the chapter to still "fit". It was my biggest concern with this chapter, since it had been so long since I'd updated. Consistency is important at this point since there's not too great a difference numerically between chapters 1 and 6.

I completely and utterly understand where you're coming from with the pacing for Ellie's exploration. It took me a really long time to write this scene because I kept restarting as something always felt off about it. You've hit the nail on the head, I think. With your words in mind, I read the scene again, and I you have a point. Something to work on, for sure!

Again, I think you've hit the nail on the head. Sometimes, I go a bit overboard with Ellie and her characterisation. I can get a little zealous in flaunting these two traits of hers: her weird fascination for muggle pop culture and profanity. I'm already editing this chapter, so I'll add your notes to my "list of things to look into".

Thank you so much for this review! Your reviews are always so critical and it is AMAZING. I always find myself looking at the story in a different way :)


 Report Review

Review #15, by The_Crookshanks_Saga {Chapter the Sixth}

26th June 2014:
And your last review!

I am so happy I got a chance to read this. You have absolutely no idea how incredible it is. The humor and the sardonic satire fit in perfectly, and I totally ship Albie.

And now, for the answer you've been waiting for: in your request, you asked if this story will still hold interest. The answer is a staunch yes. It has all the things you'd love in a good fic- like Ginny_RED-_Potter and dream_BIG's, this story is timeless. Until next time!

-Meena

Author's Response: Goodness me. You're killing me with your niceness. I'm going to go to sleep tonight, and find that I cannot get out of bed tomorrow morning because my ego has inflated the size of my head to gargantuan proportions.

But seriously, you're so very sweet. Your feedback has been so lovely and constructive and I just - ugh. My feels. I'm so very glad for your reviews :D


 Report Review

Review #16, by The_Crookshanks_Saga {Chapter the Third}

26th June 2014:
Hi, it's you-know-who with you-know-what! (Voldy with STDs)

Okay, so another brilliant chapter. I liked how you weren't afraid to cast someone who had to repeat a year in a good light. Most people don't do stuff like that, and it's refreshing to be reminded that wizards are human too.

One thing I didn't like- between the train scene and the Great Hall, there was only a 3-line break (Nazi time!). I didn't catch the break to be monumental and wrote it off as am error, and next thing I knew- BAM straight at least 6hour time gap. It just would be nice if one day you took the time to make the gap a bit bigger or put the lines.

And... that's about it! Until next time!

-Meena

Author's Response: OMG LAUGHING SO HARD. I'm going to start using that in my everyday vernacular now. That is just too brilliant.

Wizards are humans too! And I'm sure not all of them do as well as they would've liked in their OWLs. I wanted to write a character who wanted to try harder, and not be bitter about it: thus, Ben. Also, he's just an amazing person anyway.

Goodness. That scene switch will be the death of me. I gave my poor beta so much grief over it! I have another version of it in my drafts which may or may not work better.

Thanks for the lovely review!


 Report Review

Review #17, by The_Crookshanks_Saga {Chapter the Second}

26th June 2014:
Hi, this is The_Crookshanks_Saga, here with another review for the request!

From now on, I won't be reviewing every single one of the chapters, if that's okay with you- I just don't have that kind of time. Anyways, you were worried if after six months, the story would still hold interest- yes, it has, does, and will. The flow of your story is so natural I doubt even a century could destroy it ;).

I honestly can't think of anything off about this chapter, but I try my best to always think of something, except that I'm pretty sure Regulus Black wasn't fifteen or sixteen when he died. But overall, this chapter was breathtaking and I loved it.

-Meena

Author's Response: That is completely fine if you don't review every single chapter. They're super long, and I understand that there's not always a lot of different things to say about each chapter, especially if one reads them back to back. Your feedback has been wonderful!

*blushes* Aww! You're too kind! Seriously, I'm just a pool of giddiness and giggles right now *smiles shyly and gives hugs*

Regulus Black wasn't fifteen or sixteen when he died, that is indeed correct. Future plot point about which I cannot reveal more right now, but is totally relevant!

Thanks for the once again lovely review :)


 Report Review

Review #18, by The_Crookshanks_Saga {Chapter the First}

26th June 2014:
Hi, itís The_Crookshanks_Saga, here with your requested reviews!

The beginning had me (by the way, love the chap. summaries). Beautiful writing, you had the perfect mix of humor and something more. The balance between showing and telling is also perfect. There are a few spelling/grammar mistakes here and there, but overall they donít interrupt the flow of the stories.

I love the way her great-gran explained to Ellie exactly what was special about her. It was clear and ambiguous at the same time, and left us wanting more explanation- and more reason to continue reading. This reminds me a bit of the Mediator series by Meg Cabot (if you havenít read it, donít- until youíve finished this brilliant story).

If thereís one thing I didnít like about this chapter, its the unnecessary paragraphs added in for punchlines. I know many fanfic authors use them, but they seem like a cheap trick if not used properly. Here is an example.

'Whilst I had a gift for seeing dead people, Christian had the gift of music.

Guess which one of us got the better end of the stick?í

or

'You know your life ainít normal when you can see dead people.

No, Iím not kidding.

Yes, I am sane.

For the most part.í

It sounds good, with those pauses, but it takes away from the flow of the story. It also makes it hard for the next transition to feel natural. Instead, you could say something like this. ďYou know your life ainít normal when you can see dead people- and no, Iím not kidding, yes, I am sane- well, for the most part.Ē Or something like that.

The scene where Chris and Ellie stand over their motherís grave was written beautifully. It was such a contrast to the earlier humor, and will definitely draw readers in.

At first, the explanation for why Ellie hated Albus seemed a bit cliched, though the banter cleared that up immediately. Still, you might want to revise that a bit.

(his lack of shirt, I mean, not his lack of nipples): made me laugh. I like that about your sense of humor- itís the small things, hidden in gaping crevices. Not a gigantic, in your face joke.

Another thing- somewhere in the bookshop scene, you mentioned an ĎAmyí. Who, exactly, is this? You didnít mention her before (I sound like a jealous girlfriend:])

'I was legit not kidding. On top of the whole dead people thing, I always knew when there was a cake in the room, or if there was one arriving shortly, without the use of my mundane senses. I could tell when someone was about to bake a cake, right down to what type, and had a ninety-nine per cent success rate at knowing a personís favourite cake. The skill extended to a certain degree to include cupcakes and muffins as well. On a good day, I could even sense tarts. original and hilarious. On a good day, I could even sense tarts?' I cracked up.

The ending line was perfect- 'Now that was creepy'. Like seeing dead people isnít.

Basically, I am extremely glad you requested a review, because otherwise this wonderful story would have probably escaped my notice. Until next time!

-Meena

Author's Response: Hello! I'm so sorry for the late reply!

Oh, I'm glad you enjoyed the beginning. Since they're rather important, they're also one of the most difficult things to write. And I'm so happy that there was a good balance between show/tell!

I'm pleased that there was still some mystery left after great-gran's explanation. At times, I felt as if I was doing a huge info dump, but I didn't know how else to get this rather necessary information across.

I completely understand where you're coming from with the one-sentence paragraph punchlines. I don't want to excuse my writing here, but I think it's a mark of how far I still have to go with it. This chapter is one of my earlier pieces, and it probably shows the most in these lines. I don't know if I should get rid of them in this chapter, or keep them here as reminder of how much I still have to learn, and not include them later on. Thanks for pointing that out!

Gosh. The reason Ellie doesn't like Albus is so cliche isn't it? It's hard coming up with a legitimate reason, but it's definitely a weak point for this story. Hopefully, I can address it!

Amy is introduced in chapter 2 - another mark of lazy writing!

I'm so happy you found those bits funny! I don't want to write straight-up comedy, but I still want things to be funny, so I'm very happy that you thought of it that way!

And yes, Ellie has very strange standards of creepiness, which is necessary if she doesn't want her "gift" to drive her insane :P

Thanks so much for this lovely and helpful review :)


 Report Review

Review #19, by crestwood {Chapter the Sixth}

25th June 2014:
In your requested review, you asked whether this chapter still holds interest when compared to the rest of the story and the answer to that is a pretty firm yes. It's, of course, very different from the rest, but only because it increases the stakes of all of the strange things that happen to Ellie.

I thought the discovery of the passageway was an interesting thing to read for sure. Occasionally I'd get a tad bit confused about what exactly was occurring, but after a quick reread that was always cleared up. The flow is nice, especially for a chapter that's essentially one scene throughout. All in all, really interesting so far. Thank you for the request and the chance to read this wonderful story!

Author's Response: Thank you! I'm really, really happy that you find the story to still be interesting. I was worried because, as you said, it's different from the rest.

Goodness! The flow almost killed me in this chapter! And also how to make this essentially one super long scene interesting - so glad that it worked :D Thanks so much for all the lovely reviews!


 Report Review

Review #20, by crestwood {Chapter the Fifth}

25th June 2014:
This is my favorite chapter so far, for sure. I'm a little bias to Scorpius, so I'm really glad we got a full chapter to just have a good conversation between him and Ellie. There may not have been any exciting action or big scenes, but Scorpius is going to ask Rose out and all of the characters are quite dear to me, so I'm very pleased with this chapter :)

Author's Response: I have a soft spot for Scorpius as well, and I just loved writing him as this slightly dorky individual. His and Ellie's relationship is really cute - I see them as sort of brother and sister, and that's a lot of fun to write. I'm so happy that you feel really connected with all these characters already!

 Report Review

Review #21, by crestwood {Chapter the Fourth}

25th June 2014:
Ellie's power really is a genius plot device. It creates such awkward situations and the three sided argument, in which Albus is in the dark, was beautifully written. Regulus is absolutely hilarious still! I wonder if Albus just foreshadowed finding out about what Ellie can see...I hope so! It'd probably make her feel less crazy to have someone know about it. This is shaping up to be such a clever read!

Author's Response: Her powers make an already awkward person even more awkward. Albus is just so clueless for such a long time, and he kind of feels it, so he's being a bit annoying as a result. And Regulus is fun to write, as always! And with Albus - maybe...

 Report Review

Review #22, by crestwood {Chapter the Third}

25th June 2014:
I think Ben is my new favorite character. These OCs are all very fleshed out pretty quickly. It's mostly done through dialogue rather than just telling us simply what they're like, which I appreciate. Overall, this is just a really interesting chapter and it's not terribly like anything else I've read on this site, which is always refreshing.

Author's Response: Yay! Ben is one of my favourites as well, and I'm so happy that someone else likes him too! I always feel as if I'm rushing the characterisation, so I'm happy that it doesn't read that way!

 Report Review

Review #23, by crestwood {Chapter the Second}

25th June 2014:
I've never read a story with Regulus as a character before (dead or not,) but I found him pretty funny here. I wasn't expecting to have another display of Ellie's power so soon. I wonder what Regulus was there for. He almost seemed to just be messing with her. I want to see where you're going to take this because it feels as though something is going to happen soon but I have no idea what. Good writing style so far!

Author's Response: All the stories with Regulus that I have read have had him alive and not funny, so I wanted to write a version of Regulus where he was funny, but unfortunately that meant that he also had to be dead, which is a little sad for poor Regulus. I wanted to introduce her ghost-seeing powers pretty early so that it didn't feel as if they come out of nowhere if they appear for the first time later on. And you're right - Regulus is continuously messing with her. It's part of his charm ;P

 Report Review

Review #24, by crestwood {Chapter the First}

25th June 2014:
Hey! crestwood here with your requested review :)

So, I like Ellie a lot as an OC. She's wonderfully sarcastic and her ghost power is really interesting. The back story of her dad losing his wife was actually very poignant for being about two people I have yet to really meet fully.

I'd love to see more of the banter between Ellie and Albus, that was my favorite part of the chapter. They are like those two actors in a film that just absolutely light up the screen with their chemistry, except it's all happening in my head. Very promising start!

Author's Response: Heya!

I'm glad that you like Ellie. This story is very much driven by her, since it's written in first person from her point of view; it would be difficult to read if one found her super annoying! And her parents' love story... you learn more about it, so it's great that you already feel this connection with it!

There is more banter to come! It was very annoying to write at times, but it is there! Thanks so much :)


 Report Review

Review #25, by Lululuna {Chapter the Sixth}

24th June 2014:
Hello! :)

Ahh, this was such a good chapter and so eventful! More than that, though, I think it was written very smoothly and flowed so well without getting trapped in one particular spot. Well done! :)

It's so exciting to see Ellie's ghost-hunting in action, and I'm excited to learn more about Alexia and her ghost boyfriend and how Ellie operates when helping people. It's interesting to see how her talent actually impacts her daily life but also shows her to be a very caring person. I also loved the banter with Ben and how sassy he was, it definitely stood out in the chapter.

You described the secret room and all of that so vividly, I definitely felt like I was there peeking over Ellie's shoulder, getting hot and frustrated with the shelves, and running away from the foreboding feeling of the statues. I wonder if someone was following her, or if perhaps there was a malevolent ghost there in the room with her? The playful actions of the Hogwarts crest on the walls were so cute as well - loved the boop.

Throughout the chapter, Ellie's inner commentary was so refreshing and fun to listen to. I liked so many bits, but a few favourites were when she punched the wall so suddenly, when she found books of all things in the first chamber of the secret room, and when she was embarrased about pretending to do a number two in public. You do a great job of blending in the fun and humour with the more serious parts of the characters, and I really admire that.

Amazing chapter, my dear! :D

Author's Response: I was so happy to write stuff happening plot wise, that I think I went a little crazy with it! I'm very happy to hear that you found it smoothly written, because that was something with which I struggled.

I can't wait to write about Alexia and her ghost boyfriend, because you're right - it's a great way to see Ellie interact with people. She seems to think she's not very good at it, and that should make for a fun few scenes! And yeah, she is caring, although I don't think she quite realises it. And Ben is the best, all the time.

Ah, the mysterious crash and bang! Mysteries abound *giggles maniacally* And I'm glad you liked the boop! Snakes are too serious sometimes - they deserve a little fun every now and again :P

I'm really happy Ellie is still entertaining. She reads as a little... farcical sometimes to me, and I don't want that for her, so I'm very happy indeed with this feedback!

Thanks so much for reading and leaving such a wonderful review as always :D


 Report Review
If this is your story and you wish to respond to reviews, please login

<Previous Page  Jump:     Next Page>