Hi! This is Faux from the forums with your requested review! Sorry it took me so long to get around to it! I love the idea, and I think you've written it very well. I just have a few points to go over, and I'll go scene by scene -
During the first scene, you deal with Rose's "madness" pretty well. She's clearly just completely lost in herself (she reminded me a bit of Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island). However, I wish that at some point in the chapter (not necessarily the first scene) you had alluded to the cause of her mental illness. Has she always been like this? Is there some traumatic event that put her over the edge? As it's a one-shot, I would have liked at least a bit of explanation.
The dialogue in the first scene is a bit awkward. I know from experience that it can be really difficult to write dialogue for a character who's in a lot of emotional pain. Maybe going over some of Scorpius' lines and reading them out loud would help?
I like the ending, though I think it could be improved by breaking up that first big paragraph in the second scene and lengthening everything out a bit. Maybe some more description of Scorpius as he's walking into St. Mungo's, or the things they've done to try to treat Rose with magic (I assume there would be some kind of magical treatment), or even of how Rose's family are coping with it.
Overall, a job well done.
Faux Report Review
Hey dear! Im here for your requested review =)
Sorry it took soo long! Life got in the way :P
Okay this was brilliant! The level of emotion, just wow. I would like a bit more description of what exactly Ro did that night ( just to add more emotion) and maybe some description of the hospital, herself, Scorp.
Lastly paragraphing. Its hard to read a huge chunk of writing mostly since most of us are reading online and a huge paragraph seems dooming. So breaking them apart would be a good idea =)
Great job! Thank you for letting me review! I really found it amazing Report Review
Hello! AditiDraco95/adluvshp here for your requested review from the forums.
First off, this was a very difficult story to write, given the challenge, so congrats on being able to do this! You have done a fairly good job and I liked it over all.
Given that this was the first time you wrote Scorpius and Rose, you have captured them quite well too! I liked the way both the POVs were written - it wasn't confusing at all - and both their feelings of the moments came across easily, be it Rose's fear at being separated/killed or Scorpius' anticipating to bring her back.
Addressing your concerns, this was definitely very interesting. I loved your plot concept, the idea of Rose having to "take help" and such. Your execution of the plot in your narrative was neat too, so yes it was quite interesting.
This flowed pretty much smoothly. The transition from Rose's POV to Scorpius' was clear. The flow of thoughts, both Rose's and Scorpius' was fine as well. I could definitely follow what was going on. It was all presented in an effective manner.
I'd suggest to break up the big paraphraphs into shorter ones for better flow though as that would make it easier to read, especially the last paragraph (before the final sentence).
Also, I noticed some of your grammar was a little off in places, there were a couple of spelling typos here and there, and also some of your sentences are a little too long-winded (heavily worded) so they disrupted the flow for me a little.
I'd highly recommend getting a beta to look through the grammar, sentence phrasing, spelling, punctuation, etc. to improve the story, or if you think you can do it yourself, give this a thorough re-read and go for it =)
But apart from that, this was a nice and strong piece of writing. I liked how it came together in the end, and the way it began too. The thoughts were captured in a nice manner, especially Rose's, and came off as realistic.
All in all, good work! You have loads of room for improvement so I hope you can work on this with a beta to polish it. All the best.
(AditiDraco95) Report Review
Hey there! Thanks so much for requesting a review!
I really enjoyed reading this one-shot! It was certainly interesting and I don't think I've ever read anything like it before. The idea was unique and original, and I always enjoy reading about different kinds of mental illnesses and how they can affect families and relationships, though you don't see a lot of this type of plot in fanfiction. However you certainly did it justice!
I was intrigued from the very first line. I liked the fact that you managed to maintain a level of mystery and suspense-I didn't quite know what was going on, which pulled me to keep reading. The line: “Scorpius, please. Don’t let them take me away from you. They will try and kill me” was very misleading in the best possible way. I truly believed that what Rose was saying was true-that there were neo-death eaters out to get her...until Scorpius tried to explain to her that what she was seeing was all in her mind. I think you explained the whole situation extremely well, by the way, adding to the flow, rather than taking away from it.
I think the fact that Rose truly believes neo death-eaters and Scorpius' father are out to get her is an excellent idea, because her family has been affected immensely by these things, and it makes sense that something like this could happen. I think this bit: 'I had saved us from the neo-Deatheaters that Draco had sent after us. Scorpius’ father had turned his back on his only son when he had married me, a Weasley. Now, his father was trying to have us killed. Scorpius was mad at me but I didn’t understand what I had done' was a perfect explanation of what was going on.
I felt just the right amount of sadness and horror when Scorpius told Rose what she had done-how she destroyed the house and almost killed Harry. The fact that Rose had no idea what she was doing, and thought she was protecting herself and Scorpius made this even more dark, horrifying and scary. I can see that you have put a lot of thought into this one-shot.
Overall, I thought the flow and pace of this piece were excellent-perhaps the flow was marred slightly, and only slightly by the interruption of the words: Scorpius' POV. Personally, I would take these out and just leave a couple of spaces between the two points of view, but I think that is just a matter of personal style. Also, I noticed that you have a tendency to switch frequently from past tense to present tense, particularly during Rose's thoughts, so that is something to look out for.
I thought that finishing with Scorpius' thoughts was a very nice touch. I'm so glad that he was true to his word and continued visiting Rose, and I could definitely feel all of his emotions-seeing your wife in a situation like Rose is in would definitely be a very difficult thing to get your head around. I absolutely loved the line: 'The day I left her in this place was the hardest. It was the first day I had ever cried because my heart was breaking at the sight of her meltdown' because it tied in nicely with what Rose had said earlier about Malfoy's not crying. It really showed just how much pain Scorpius was going through, and I felt so sorry for him! You really wrote the ending extremely well.
Finall, I thought the last line was the perfect way to end. It wasn't completely happy and completely out of context, but there was definitely hope in that line, and I'm glad the story ended on this note.
Excellent piece of writing, I'm really glad I got the opportunity to read this.
Courtney:) Report Review
Hello! Laurenzo7321 here with your requested review :)
This was a really interesting one-shot - I haven't read anything like this before and I really enjoyed it!
I thought you wrote the two POV's really well. You can see how scared Rose is and how she feels the person she loves the most has turned on her too. Scorpius's section is just heartbreaking. As much as he doesn't want to leave her he knows this is the only way to help her.
You really don't need to worry about flow, I thought it was great. You do have a few sentences that don't make sense though and a few mistakes too that if you corrected would make the story even better. These are the few I noticed:
'You haven't stop and in fact' I think you need mean 'stopped'.
'I heard Scorpius' voice ring out behind me as the worried filled "Rose" echoed down the hallway I could turn and look at him or I would never be able to leave.' This just doesn't make sense to me. I think it might possibly need to be two sentences and you might have a negative wrong. I think you mean 'I heard Scorpius' voice ring out behind me as the worried filled "Rose" echoed down the hallway. I couldn't turn and look at him or I would never be able to leave.' but I'm not sure.
'I want to get away but I could leave with a finally look at the man I loved more than life itself.' I think you mean 'couldn't leave without a final look' but I'm not sure. I don't think it quite made sense anyway.
'I'm so whatever I did;' This doesn't make sense again - is the 'so' supposed to be 'sorry'?
If you correct these few mistakes it will make your story even better. It might be worth trying to get a beta, they can usually help point little things like that out!
Thanks for the request though, I really enjoyed this!
LaurenAuthor's Response: Lauren,
I'm glad that you enjoyed this story. I always wonder if what is in my head translates to what I have written. Less the minor mistakes you have pointed out I think I accomplished my goal with this one.
I have already gone through and fixed all the points you have shown me in your review and I hope it makes it easier to read for future readers.
Thank you so much!!
Meg Report Review
Oh, you wrote a Scorpius/Rose. It is lovely. You wrote her very well. It was really tragic that she felt even her love Scorpius had turned against her.
You pulled me along quite well, having me wonder what she was doing in trying to escape and what was going to happen.
I really felt for Scorpius and I LOVE that you had him believing that his father would come around eventually and was only deeply disappointed, not trying to kill them. I love it because I love Draco (as you fully well know). LOL!
You could really tell that he didn't want to keep Rose in the hospital, but he really didn't have a choice. I could really feel that he loved her and I loved reading his character.
I hope that she really is 'cured' and doesn't have a relapse later on. The poor dears... heartbreaking.
You did an excellent job, Meg. You deserve more reviews. :)
Dark WhisperAuthor's Response: Dark,
Aww... You are too kind to me...
I think it is funny but I once had a dear friend tell me that you should only write from personal expirence. I think that logic is slightly flawed but there is a note of truth to it. A wrote this story because I have dealt with a family member who has a "Broken Mind" He was smart and had a lot going for him until that one day. But most of my one shots are based on actually expirences. I know you have a few that are close to your heart too.
I'm so glad to read that you liked this one-shot. Thank you so much for leaving a review too. I really means much to me to read your reviews.
Meg Report Review
What a wonderful story that really seemed to fit the idea that I had in mind. I love what you were able to do with these characters and how you made it work out.
There were a few typos that I noticed, particularly in the last two paragraphs of Rose's POV. Nothing major, but I believe there was one spot where you said could instead of couldn't which clearly chagnes the whole story. Minor edits though, and nothing to complicated.
I don't normally like next gen in all honesty but I thought that this one was fitting. I could just picture them, young adults, newly married and both of them worried and scared out of their mind for the life that they had planed, because they know that they will have to change their plan from the original one. I really like that you made them young adults though, I feel it was much more fitting for that age bracket to deal with than say, someone younger and if you had gone with someone older, I don't feel like it wouldn't have the same amount of pressing concern/impact on their lives. I feel comfortable in saying that this is my favorite next gen story I think I've read to date.
Again wonderful story! Thank you so much for the entry!Author's Response: Kalkay,
Wow, this is such a wonderful review to read. I'm so happy I was able to write a story that fit the challenge you had laid out. It was a great challenge and interesting to take an abstract view such as it's broke and turn it into a story.
I will have to go back a re-read the story and fix the typos. Sometimes my fingers get away from me.
I'm not a big Next-Gen reader or writer. I'm surprised I could write this couple at all because it isn't my comfort zone at all. I had the same feeling about their ages. There is really no better age bracket to write this type of story with these problems and leading to this ending.
Thank you so much for the wonderful review and I'm glad you found this story enjoyable.
Meg Report Review
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