First; is Zoe a Hufflepuff or a Ravenclaw? Because I'm pretty sure in the summary it says she is a Ravenclaw. You might want to change that. :))
Also, this sentence: “I think it wants us to leave?”I said skeptically, not really understanding why the rat was attacked Evelyn’s leg.
Shouldn't it be better: "not really understanding why the rat had attacked Evelyn's leg." - My English is not the best but this sounds better to me.
On a more cheerful note, I like that you showed us her friends and her relationship with them. I like Evelyn, she sounds like someone I would get along with great. My request is that you make your chapters a bit longer but that's entirely up to you. I like where this is going, and I will return to read the next chapter when you post it.
Peace ;)Author's Response: Hello!
Zoe is infact a Ravenclaw, that is my bad :3 Little mistakes like these are slipping from me, i'll have to look a little bit more carefully while re-reading my work. Same goes to the sentence, yours does sound more correct then mine. I typed it wrong, instead of attacked it was supposed to be attacking - not pretence.
I'm glad you are liking it and I will of course be making my chapters longer in the near future! This week was crazy for my writing schedule since it was spirit week but I have the weekend to type something nice up and hopefull you'll enjoy it when I get around to posting it! Thanks for the review
xx Report Review
I hate to be a nitpicker but Slughorn was still a professor in the Marauders' era. Otherwise how would Lily be one of his all-time favourite students? Also, in the first chapter you said Rose's hair was cut to her chin but now she has long hair? Those mistakes are small and hardly noticeable, but I'll advise you against doing them. I don't want to insult you or anything because the story is good, and I like. I just don't understand why Zoe is so against having James as a friend?Author's Response: *insert facepalm* Oh my god, I don't even know how I forgot about Slughorn because Lily of course is the member of the SlugClub. I must have been tried while writing that one. The rose's hair is totally my mistake, I have been indecisive off of two models for her to base off of and one has short hair and the other has long hair - my bad! I'll have to take better time re-reading over my chapters. I'm glad you are enjoying the story so far! Zoe isn't really against having James as a friend, it's hard to explain so early on in the story it's just she is very used to her group of friends and the lifestyle she has so when James is brought into her life he changes it around a lot ( which you'll understand and see more of in future chapters ). Hopefully you'll continue to read the story, once again, thank you for stopping by to leave a review! xx Report Review
It's a nice start. I'm initially reserved towards stories whose main heroine is a quiet, unknown student but I will give your story a try. One thing though, James's eyes are hazel, not green. Harry takes his eyes from his mother. It a bit of a pet peeve of mine to see something like that messed up.
Well, this is it. I'm off read chapter two.Author's Response: So nice to actually here from someone! I was beginning to get frustrated - not hearing anyone reviewing. Don't worry, the story will get better once I have time to really write out the chapters. My mistake :o I'm sorry, I tried to be accurate with things but i'm not perfect and I don't know a lot about the marauders era. Thank you so much for something by to leave a review ! xx Report Review
Terms of Service
categories & genres
short story collection