Dun dun DUN!! This was a very interesting and suspenseful chapter, dear!! It started out just an "oh I hope they don't get into trouble" kind of suspense, but then when Lord Zajecfer appeared I was really getting terrified. What struck me the most about his disappearing was that he did it INSIDE Hogwarts, which is pretty much supposed to be impossible... I certainly hope he's not planning something much worse than what he did to poor Flitwick, but I have a bad feeling.
And can I just say that I ADORE that you named Filch's new cat Umbridge? I thought that was hilarious!! It certainly makes sense, Filch really loved that woman!
Everything flowed nicely here, and the description was amazing. Well done! 10/10!Author's Response: Thank you so much for dropping by!!
Thanks so much for complimenting my suspense! I really like making those scenes all scary and dramatic.
There are many different theories of what really happened. Akbus is actually going to discuss the different theroies- once I put it up, that is.
I had a tough time coming up with Filch's cat's new name, when Umbridge popped into my head.
Thank you so much for this generous review!
I think this first chapter shows a lot of promise for this story. Youve got two very interesting and dark wizards that start off this story and they create interest and questions for the readers. Both are good to have in opening chapters, or any chapter for that matter,they draw readers in and make us wonder whats going to happen and want to continue reading. I like that we dont really know who these dark wizards are and i think youve done a good job of creating seperate personalities for them. I also like having this as the beginning chapter. It creates interest, gives the reader an idea of where this story might go,and already sets up a bit of mystery as to who these men are. This story has plenty of potential and peaked my interest. Great job!
~slytherinchica08~Author's Response: Thank you so much!
That was one of the main reasons I created that chapter in the first place. The rest of the story has sort of a slow start, so I wanted to make the first chapter action filled and mysterious to hook the reader.
Good to see it is working! And thank you so much for this generous review! Report Review
Hmm, the beginning of this chapter and its title are rather ominous. I know they are just going to prepare Art's party but dodgy things happen when students wander Hogwarts by themselves.
Love the idea of a product that makes your footsteps silent. It's exactly the kind of thing George would come up with. Very helpful for pranks.
Love the way Filch named his current cat after Umbridge. Fits with the name he gave Mrs. Norris and with his friendship with Umbridge and his admiration for her.
*laughs* I was wondering why they only got one cake when they'd mentioned cupcakes earlier.
You've written the man was "much TO young to be a teacher". You're missing an "o".
Since the story is called "Albus Potter and Slytherin's Office", I'm guessing Slytherin built some kind of a secret office in Hogwarts nobody knows about except the two wizards in the first chapter. It could be like the wall between platforms 9 and 10 at King's Cross station - you can walk through the wall, though in this case it looks as if you have to use a certain potion or something first.
What I can't figure out is what the guy is doing at Hogwarts. The older wizard said something in the beginning about when he leaves Hogwarts for good. I took that to mean he was either in his 7th year or else he was a teacher who was planning to leave once he was ready to come out publicly as Lord Zajacfer. But if he's in his early 20s and there aren't any teachers that young, that doesn't really make sense.
I guess it's possible he has some sort of base that he was going through to when he disappeared and he's just lurking there the whole time. Creepy.Author's Response: Yup, even though they are just getting Art's b-day stuff, wandering around Hogwarts at night is a HORRIBLE idea.
I was trying to think of what Filch would name his second cat, so I decided it would be Mrs. Umbridge, and that Mrs. Norris used to be an awful teacher before she got sacked.
Dang it, missing simple grammar mistakes like that is always embarrassing... you've got good eyes! No wonder I can never find a mistake in your stories.
I'm not really going to say anything about your theories, but it looks like you are good at that stuff!
Thank you so much for reviewing! Report Review
I think that it is awesome you wrote about how nervous and scared Al was to be sorted into Slytherin, even after the pep talk his father gave him. I think most people just assume that after the talk Albus was ok with everything, but I like this better.
Rose is adorable really. I imagine her as a Weasley Hermione (which I guess she practically is). You know, bushy hair, only red? Lol. Great job and I will continue on! :)Author's Response: When I was beginning to write this story, I closely examined the epilouge of the Deathly Hallows multiple times. And I came under the impression that Albus had been worried about being sorted into Slytherin for a very long time. Think about it: if we have an important event coming up (like a solo in a song) and our parents give us a pep talk before hand, do we let go of all nerves? No, we feel slightly better, but still a bit nervous. So probably the same thing happened with Albus.
That,s how I imagine Rose too. I imagine her with more brown though (although she has some red) since brown hair is a donimant trait and red hair is a recessive trait. I like picturing her with more red hair though, despite what science says.
Thanks for reviewing! Report Review
OK sorry it took me a while to get over here! I read it earlier and then I got super busy, but I'm here now! :D
Well, I can definitely say your first chapter has me hooked to read the rest. I like the idea of it, and I'm glad you've made the first chapter this way. It is nice to see that there is something going and and to see just exactly what it is instead of waiting for it to be explained. I think you did a lovely job of making it clear just what we should be expecting to see out of these two, and I'm excited to see what you do with it! :)
My only problem with the whole chapter, and it wasn't really a problem, just an odd word composition for my taste, but the very last sentence seemed a bit odd to me. I feel like it could have left off on a darker note, and the way it ended just seemed a little sudden, but that's entirely me I'm sure! Great job and I'm excited to read more. :)Author's Response: It's fine that you took a while, I'm in no rush!
I actually took the idea of the beginning from the prolouge of the Goblet of Fire. I wanted to hook the readers, since the first several chapters move a bit slowly.
Hmm, that's interesting about the last sentence. I've just never thought about it, but you're right, it does end pretty sudden. I'll think about changing that.
Thanks for the lovely review! Report Review
Love the model dragon. It's fun to see what Christmas presents people come up with.
"Only one of them could become prefects" sounds a little odd. "Only one of them could become a prefect" might be better. And it does seem a bit unfair doesn't it? That you could be the second best prefect material in your year, but if the first best is the same gender and from the same house as you, then you'll never have an opportunity and people who aren't as good as you will be appointed because they are the best in their house.
And it'd be better to say "the only PEOPLE who would be delighted at getting a homework planner WERE Molly and Lucy" rather than the "the only PERSON who would be delighted of getting a homework planner WAS Molly and Lucy."
Aw, nice reference to Teddy and Victoire's relationship. I wonder if it'll be relevant at any point.
*laughs at your description of Dominique* I like the insight we are getting into various members of the Weasley family here. It's interesting to see how different authors interpret them.
Yeah, I expected that if they needed room to fly, the room would provide.
*laughs* My Rose and Lucy aren't that into Quidditch either.
The part about Art being the youngest is kind of repetitive since you've said beforehand that he has three older brothers.
And you've said the snowball fight "looked like TO much fun", when it should be "TOO much fun."
Love the description of the fireworks.
And eugh, reindeer dung.
Art's birthday is the Feast of the Epiphany/Little Christmas/Women's Christmas/12th day of Christmas. *laughs* Over here, that's always the last day of the school holidays, but I think it's different in the U.K., so he might not get his birthday off each year. It's also the day we take down our Christmas decorations. So he can put away the Christmas cards and replace them with birthday ones, if they do the same over there.
Love the comparison between James and Gilderoy Lockhart.Author's Response: Yeah, I wasn't sure what Charlie would give them, so I had him give out that. I think he would have enjoyed the fact that they scorched your hands.
Sorry about all the mistakes. I'm not that good at wording things, and it is also hard to catch. You must have an eagle eye or something. I have to go over each chapter five times and I find another mistake each time I look. I really don't have an eye for detail.
Totally unfair about the prefects thing, but it has to be one girl and one boy. So disappointing.
I thought it would be weird if I didn't include Teddy and Victoire's relationship, since it was mentioned in the epilouge.
It is funny, since some authors make Dominique wonderful, and some make her hateful. I've seen both.
The room provides everything, and it is available to everyone. There is a new slight disadvantage to the room, though...
I had a difficult time picturing Rose playing Quidditch. I just don't see it, do you?
Sorry about being repetitive. I sometimes forget what I've typed/said before.
I thought that having Christmas themed products would be fun, so I did that for the fireworks and beans.
I think dung from any type of animal, even from a reindeer, would be disgusting. I had trouble coming up with something Christmas-y that was disgusting!
I actually never knew that about Art's birthday! I have briefly heard of that holiday, but I didn't know the date. Very interesting!
James does have a bloated head, but luckily, not nearly as much as Gilderoy Lockhart!
Thanks reading and reviewing! You are the best! Report Review
*grins at Dire letting them do something fun*
*hides from that kind of snow* We got that kind of snow in 2009-2010 and 2010-2011 and it shut the whole country down. Before that, a heavy snow here was one that didn't melt within the hour. Once when we were little, my sister made a snowman up to about our knees, with practically all the snow in the garden, but those two years, I saw real, full sized snowmen. Hogwarts probably gets lots though, as I'd imagine Scotland would.
It doesn't surprise me that James likes snowball fights.
David's Christmas sounds a little like our childhood ones. Hmm, I wonder if there is anything significant in among this Christmas discussion. I doubt it, but you never know.
Yeah, it is stupid having it come out after Christmas. They'd lose a lot of opportunities for sales that way.
Yi-i-ikes. That's one way of ensuring Albus can't tell his parents about Zajecfer (or however you spell it). Might raise some suspicions among the parents though, but I guess they'd hardly think it's because a Dark Wizard has enchanted the Headmaster. I really hadn't expected that development. It's a bit extreme, keeping the whole school there, but I guess Zajecfer doesn't care about that.
And I guess that, even apart from it being much more difficult to think of a reason to just require some students to stay, there's also the fact that if anybody was leaving, they could give them a note or something. I didn't think of that until Rose said she'd think of something if anybody was leaving. I just assumed it was because otherwise Harry WOULD become suspicious - if only his kids and their friends weren't allowed leave.
Maybe they should tell Neville, but I guess they are worried that he could be Imperiused or something too.
Hmm, this could have been what the discussions of Christmas was foreshadowing. It shows us what your characters are missing. *laughs* A lot of the casual conversations in my story have something relevant stuck into them, so I'm wondering if it's the same here.
Art's good at art. *laughs*
And this sort of makes Albus's Christmas like his father's.
*laughs* Bill's kids are all in the same years as in my story. I think nearly all the others, except those that were sort of established in canon are different though.Author's Response: Yeah, I like snow, but it's really rare to have a white Christmas. The closest we've gotten was this year, when it snowed about an hour on Christmas Eve. But a few years ago, we got multiple three foot snowfalls. It was awesome!
James is definitely the type who would like snowball fights...
I think the Christmas conversation is just a nice opportunity to talk about Christmas, and what usually happens.
Parents probably wouldn't get very suspicious. They trust Flitwick, he fought among them in the battle of Hogwarts. It's up to Albus and his friends.
They should tell Neville, but they haven't thought of that. They just see it as it's impossible to contact anyone outside the castle. And keep in mind, though, that they are only eleven. They simply never thought of that.
I never realized that Art's good at Art until you pointed that out. That is definitely a weird coincidence!
Thanks for reviewing! Report Review
why u aren't mentioning ginny..she doesn't have any role?Author's Response: She is in that scene- she just isn't the central character. Don't worry, Ginny will be in more chapters later. I love her too.
Thanks for reading and reviewing! Report Review
Hello there, and welcome to the forums itís a really great place to be! I kind have a little addiction to reviewing, so of course I donít mind leaving you one!
I really liked how you started the story, as you created a very idyllic scene, and I was getting settled into, what I thought, happy story, then you juxtaposed it really well, with the darkness those men seemed to allude, and it created a more sinister atmosphere which was really good, as it grabbed the readerís attention, as you wanted to know why they were.
The way you described them killing others, made it seem as if that was the most normal thing in the world to do, and that no one should question it. I think it was because you did it subtly and just addressed it with a flash of green light, and that seemed to make it more powerful, as it made it seem as if it was a normal thing for them to do.
You had some really powerful lines in this chapter, but I think my favourite was ĎAs I told Tom, there is no good and evil. There is only power.í It just seemed to carry so much weight, and it perfectly tied in with the story, and blended in really well.
I really like how you decided to add a dark tone to a next gen story, as I hate the fluffy stories, as they just donít seem realistic to me. However, this one seems perfectly believable, and I could see another dark wizard coming to power. We didnít learn much about him, but thatís understandable given that this is the first chapter, but I hope you develop his background and character in the future ones.
I honestly canít think of any CCís, I know you said to be critical, but there isnít anything to be critical about, so yay for that!
Thank you for requesting, as this story is really intriguing me!
-Kiana!Author's Response: Thanks for the review! I am happy you enjoyed it!
Yeah, I wanted to make it clear that the two of them ruined a very happy scene for absolutely no reason. Pretty much the whole point of the first chapter was to grab the reader's attention (and provide hints, of course!)
Those men definitely think killing is normal. And it is normal, for them. They don't bother to think about the damage that is done.
That whole "no good and evil" thing is basically what they believe. There is no "good" side and "evil" side. There are simply two sides that agree with each other. They don't recognize evil, even though they are.
I'm glad you like the dark tone to the chapter. I sometimes worry that it is too dark and I should make it less so, but then they woudn't sound like as much as a threat. As for background... I know more background on both of them then I know about Albus. Especially the younger man- I have a very detailed account on his childhood. I bet I could write a novel just on his life.
And thank you so much for reviewing! I really appreciate it! :) Report Review
Love your example of what they're transfiguring. It's kind of similar to matchsticks into pins, so it seems like something they'd be likely to do shortly afterwards. I always wondered what other things they'd do in first year transfiguration.
Dire does remind me of Snape, especially with the way they're now suspecting him of being in league with Zajecfer.
*laughs* Louis Weasley is in 4th year in my story too, but it sounds like that's where the similarities between the characters end.
I also like the fact that James seems to do reasonably well at school in this, since he's often the lazy, troublemaker type.
I also like the fact Albus is kind of relieved not to have to play. It's realistic and human.
Aw, poor James, but funny to see him on the receiving end of the teasing rather than being the teaser.
Oh, wow, I just assumed Gryffindor would win, so that's a surprise.
Oh, one mistake. You've written "loose" instead of "lose" near the end of the chapter.Author's Response: I decided to have them transfigure simple things that looked similar in their first year. Unfortunately, we don't see much in the Harry Potter series what they transfigured, but I do imagine that they transfigured simple things.
Professor Dire is similar to Snape, in a way, except for one major thing- He treats Slytherins and Gryffindors equally. He just hates Albus because Al never knows the right answer.
Yeah, I noted during your Christmas chapter that your Weasley cousins were all way younger than mine. And they are all remarkably different in personality.
James is a troublemaker and teaser- usually he just teases Albus and Lily. But even though James is the teaser, he's always on the receiver end when Fred and Louis are around!
Even though Albus loves Quidditch, he's terrified of making a fool of himself in front of the school. I didn't make him reserve for nothing though! (hint, hint)
I'm really sorry Gryffindor lost the match, but I'm really happy for Hufflepuff. Since I am a proud Hufflepuff, I couldn't just let them lose! Don't worry, Gryffindor will win other things, I'm not that terrible towards Gryffindor.
Thanks for pointing out the mistake; I will fix that. I try to catch all of them before I submit the chapter, but of course, I'm human! I can't catch every single one. So it's great that you look it over for the ones I missed.
Thank you so much for reviewing! :) Report Review
*grins* I was looking forward to this chapter, because things really got going in the last chapter and I wanted to know what happened next.
Your summary also has me intrigued. Rose doesn't seem the type to get detention.
Oh, one thing I was thinking I must check - I'll do it when I've read this chapter - is what we know about Scorpius in this story, if anything. I must check what house you put him in, if you mentioned him at all.
I'm wondering how Rose knows the guy was called Zajecfer. I don't think a name was mentioned in the last chapter.
I'm amused at the comment about Grandma Weasley's attempts to fatten Al up. That's so typical of her.
*laughs* That was rather a coincidence. I was just wondering yesterday if Scorpius was going to play a part in this story and he turns up in this chapter. He is one of the characters whose personality really seems to vary from story to story, so I'm wondering what he'll be like in this.
*laughs at the wedgie charm* That was a really good idea for a Hogwarts prank.
And I'm not surprised that Rose's detention was for something she didn't really do.
Professor Trash Binns; that's pretty amusing. Or "Dust Binns". *laughs* I never thought of that, but it's perfect. Not only is it something students are bound to come up with if a teacher has a name like that, but he also is rubbish as a teacher. "Rubbish Binns" would work too.
I wonder if Filch has been Imperiused to give information about what's in the letters to Zajecfer. Or if Flitwick was Imperiused to agree to let him monitor them. We know he was Imperiused. And it sounds like he still is.
Gosh, Zajecfer thinks of everything. I didn't even realise he knew Albus had overheard him, but I suppose he could have guessed it was at least a possibility when Albus didn't turn up. It makes sense that he'd protect against it.
This is getting scary for Albus.
I don't think it's really surprising both of our Albuses were lured somewhere by notes. It's probably the best way of making somebody thinks somebody wants them and the way the note got to them and what it was luring them to were both very different. It just made me suspicious that your one was forged also. *laughs*
Good chapter. Albus (and James) are really in trouble now.
I bet Zajacfer will try and harm Albus again before Christmas, so he won't be able to tell Harry anything when he goes home for the holidays.Author's Response: I'm really sorry about the whole Zajecfer name thing- In my first version of chapter seven, the encounter with Flitwick and Zajecfer was longer, but I later changed it to make it more brief. When I did that, I decided to take out the name to make it more mysterious. But I forgot to edit the name out of Chapter Eight! It's no big deal, it was just going to be revealed just a few chapters later. So I'm going to go add the name to Chapter Seven, sorry for the mishap.
I remembered Mrs. Weasley also tried to give Harry more food when he stayed at the Burrow, so I figured I would have the same thing happen to Albus. :)
You're right that Scorpious is different in a lot of stories. Some have him as best friends with Albus, others have them as enemies. I have him as an enemy of Albus, but not much of an enemy. Vincent Rosier is the main enemy.
I thought the wedgie charm would be a funny thing to add. :)
Rose would never actually get in detention for something she did. She's no prankster!
I used to give teachers all sorts of ridiculous nicknames- it's so fun! I just had to be careful not to use it in their presence! :)
Filch is plainly just a mean person. He hates dungbombs and Weasley products so much, he would jump at the opportunity to read students mail! He doesn't want any orders coming through.
Zajecfer does think of everything, and he is very smart. He knew Albus was their since he never showed up, and when Zajecfer was torturing Flitwick, it was right after breakfast, the time that Flitwick told Albus to come. The story wouldn't be very exciting if Zajecfer was unintelligent!
You'll see what Zajecfer does about Christmas!
And thank you for reviewing! Report Review
That line about all Dire'd have to do would be to fix the opposing team with his stare was very funny.
But there should have been a full stop after "that stare of his."
Aw, poor Albus, he's so nervous. Come on, Al, even if you don't make it, you've got another six chances over the years. It's bound to put pressure on him, though - knowing his father made the team in first year, before he even knew what Quidditch was.
*cheers for him getting a position as reserve* It does make sense. You never know when a player will be sick or get detention or whatever.
Hmm, I wonder if it's really Professor Flitwick who wants Albus. I'm probably just getting suspicious because of the letter that was supposedly from Slughorn in my story, but Lindsay did say she "was told" rather than "Flitwick told me" and it does seem a little odd. Rose said it should be Professor Longbottom dealing with that and besides, playing Quidditch shouldn't really affect his academic schedule, as the practices would surely be in the evenings. *laughs* And in the next sentence, Rose just pretty much said that. And we know from the chapter summary that he's about to meet somebody mysterious.
Although "goblin" does sound like a password Flitwick WOULD use. But *watches suspiciously*
The phrase "unsuccessfully convincing" sounds a bit odd. It sounds like he DID convince them when he'd intended not to or something. It might sound better to say something like "failing to convince."
Well, it's the real password anyway. *wonders what's going on here and why Flitwick wants him* Maybe he has something to discuss that he didn't want to mention in the note in case Lindsay or somebody read it.
Oh, yikes, the idea of somebody forcing Flitwick to send the message didn't occur to me. Really unexpected.
Oh Albus, you REALLY need to tell your dad. Even if nobody else believes you, he will and he has the power to investigate, even secretly. Plus what have you to lose? Even if nobody does believe you, you're no worse off than you are if you don't tell. Telling can ONLY advantage you.
And it's totally different from your dad's situation. That was a corrupt Ministry trying to silence anything that didn't suite them.
It does make sense that an 11 year old would worry about being mocked as a liar and fear that more than the idea of their headmaster being tortured.
Before I thought of Harry, I was thinking "they have to tell somebody immediately", but then I thought "who would an 11 year old tell?" It would be hard enough to know what to do in that situation as an adult, but much more difficult as a child.
It should be "to Hugo and me," not "to Hugo and I". You wouldn't say "they talked about their adventures to I." And Rose strikes me as a character who'd probably use correct grammar.
I really like the way Albus is so determined to imitate his father that he is willing to put himself at risk.
Really good chapter, one of my favourites so far.Author's Response: David is definitely the funniest person in the group. One of my favorite parts of writing this story is coming up with funny lines for him to say. He can also make the most serious situations funny.
Thanks for pointing out the mistakes! It's great that you check them, because there is always something that I miss.
Albus is a very interesting boy. When he was younger, I like to imagine that everyone complimented him on how much he looked like his father. So Albus got into his head that he was supposed to be a Harry Potter Junior. So that's also the reason he doesn't want to tell his father about Flitwick- he heard all the stories about Harry, Ron, and Hermione having adventures by themselves. Don't worry, he'll regret it later, but by then it'll be too late.
I think being a reserve would actually be cool. One game you could be beater, another game seeker, another game keeper, etc. You get to try all the positions.
I just realized the similarities between the notes both of our Albus's got! You do have a point...I wrote this chapter before I started reading your story, so I just noticed that now. That's a weird coincidence.
Goblin is a password Flitwick would use. I didn't want the password to be totally random.
I'm not that great with wording... I'll go back and change that sentence to something else.
I'm not going to say anything about your suspicions, but most of the clues are in the first chapter. Re- read the first chapter REALLY carefully and you might get closer to what will happen at the end of the book- although you haven't read enough to get the real answer. The point of the first chapter is to give you clues- and obviously hook your interest and get suspicious.
The whole "People not believing not believing me" thing is just an excuse for his friends. Rose hit the bullseye when she said that Albus wanted to be like his dad.
Sorry about the little grammar mistake, that was not intentional! Rose always uses correct grammar. Somebody like Hagrid- maybe not.
Thank you for reviewing! I am really happy I have such a devoted reader. :) Report Review
Yay, new chapter! I've been waiting for this. (That's not a criticism. I know the queue's been closed and all. I was just a little impatient for this.)
Your Albus is luckier than mine as to who they've the flying lesson with. *laughs*
Rose's rant is amusing. She has a point though. There should be greater safety charms on them.
Um, you have David saying that Hagrid is over half his size. I presume he means over twice.
Love the part about Albus being nervous of dogs. It's one of those details that adds some realism to the story.
Maybe it's the way I'm reading it, but when Hagrid says "ya'll", I kind of tend to read it like the Southern American term for you plural. I'd expect him to say "yeh all" or maybe "all of yeh" since that's the term he uses for "you" otherwise and I don't think the English HAVE a term for you plural.
Hagrid's speech is HARD. This is why he doesn't come into my stories too much, but I'm going to need my characters to have a long conversation with him soon. THAT'S going to take some work. You've done a pretty good job of it, I think. I hope I can do it as convincingly.
Hmm, I wonder why David is embarrassed when Hagrid shakes his hand. I might be being too suspicious here, but I can't help wondering if you are drawing attention to it for a reason.
And Hagrid's cooking obviously hasn't improved!
*grins* Albus is going to try out for the Quidditch team. I wonder if he'll match his father's achievement and make the team in first year.
Hey, you won't be a disgrace if you don't make the team in first year, Albus. I can't remember how old Ginny was when she made the team, but I think she was at least a fourth year. You've plenty of time to match that. If a future professional player has to wait until getting on the house team, it's no disgrace not to make it in first year, particularly since it's so rare for first years to get on the teams and you're still only learning to fly.
When Chris says he's going to test their flying first he says it's because if they can't fly, it doesn't matter "how well you are at anything else." It'd sound better if he said either "how good you are" or "how well you do."
I've been interested to see how old you'll make Albus's cousins by comparison with him. Louis is the same age in both our stories, but Fred is only five or six and Roxanne only three in mine. Since I started writing about the Weasleys, Roxanne is the one I find it most difficult to imagine being at a different place in the birth order. I've very much imagined her as the youngest cousin. So I'll have to get used to her being older than Albus here.
It'll be weird if Albus DOES make the team and still isn't allowed fly more than a couple of feet above the ground in flying class. Weird for him, I mean. But I guess it's weird for wizarding kids anyway, because a lot of them would be flying at home, but the teacher has to work on the assumption that they can't fly, because it's better to be safe than sorry.
And you've left us wait until the next chapter to find out who makes the team. Grrr. I'm only messing. But I AM looking forward to finding out what happens.
As I'm sure you've noticed, I REALLY like this story.Author's Response: Yeah, unfortunately I had to wait forever since the queue was closed. I originally was going to submit it on the 16th, but I forgot that the queue closed on the 15th. And then after it was back open, I was visiting relatives for a few days so I didn't get the opportunity.
Thanks for pointing out the mistake about David's comment and Chris's comment. It's really easy to fix things like spelling, but harder to find mistakes in grammar.
The reason I made Albus scared of dogs was because when I was nine I get a scar from a dog biting me. So I decided to have the same thing happen to Albus.
Yeah, when Hagrid says "y'all" it does sound a bit too much like an American Southern Accent. I'll try to fix that. I wonder what type of accent Hagrid has, and why he has it anyway?
I have a plan for David if I end up making a second book. Actually, I have the plots figured out for all seven books if I decide to continue the series. No guarantees though, I want to get through the first book before deciding.I'm quite impressed that you picked up the hint about David! You won't learn anything about it this book though.
Hagrid's cooking will probably never improve. I don't think he even realizes that he's a horrible cook.
Albus is overreacting a bit when he worries about not making the team. Albus worries a lot.
I really wanted Lily and Hugo to be the youngest, so all of the other cousins are older. I like to imagine that George and Angelina got together shortly after Fred's death, and it was the death of Fred that brought them together. It was weird reading your Christmas chapter with Roxanne so much younger!
You haven't seen much yet, but I decided to have a lot of muggle-borns in Albus's time. So they don't know how to fly.
Ha Ha, I love cliffhangers. Actually, the reason I did the cliffhanger was because I couldn't fit the entire Quidditch tryouts in without the chapter being overly long. So, I decided to end the chapter halfway through the tryouts.
Thank you for liking my story! I cannot emphasize enough how happy I am that you are reviewing my story. I was so shocked the first time you reviewed, because I wasn't expecting a review only hours after my first chapter was validated. So thank you!
And, Happy Birthday to Art! I haven't posted the chapter yet, but his birthday is today, Jan 6th. I'm actually hoping to work more on his birthday chapter today.
Thank you for reviewing! :) Report Review
Yay, another new chapter. I was getting impatient. And it looks like this is going to focus on teachers and classes. I was looking forward to finding out what new teachers you've included.
I'm expecting Professor Dire to live up to his/her name. *grins* *goes to find out*
Oh, *dies laughing* There's something in that letter that is VERY similar to something Harry is going to write to Albus towards the end of my story. I recently figured out how Albus and Rose are going to solve my mystery and the Invisibility Cloak will be involved.
*grins at Harry knowing everything*
Yeah, asking Peeves for help isn't going to work too well. Love the black ink squirt gun! So typical of him. Last night was the Late Late Toy Show and the presenter kept spraying kids with icing sugar things and shooting toy guns into the audience (honestly, he got more carried away than the kids), so this is reminding me of that. I think black ink would be worse to have sprayed at you though!
You've said "their had always been a little bit of light", when it should have been "there was always"
Rose's notes could yet come in interesting. With evil wizards plotting in the first chapter and some of those plants she's made notes on pretty dangerous, I can see them having to face one of them later on.
*laughs at "no, they're racoon hide"*
You should have had a comma, rather than a full stop after "Blimey", when David mutters it.
Hmm, Dire is a bit suspicious, but I doubt he's going to be guilty. I'd say he's going to be like Snape. We'll be supposed to think it's him, but it'll really be somebody else. Since most of your teachers are OCs, there is a huge list of suspects. Hmm.
I got the impression from the first chapter that the two wizards were men, but of course, IF there is a teacher who's up to something dodgy, they might just be helping those two or working for them, so I can't completely rule Selwyn out.
Great chapter. Am looking forward to seeing more of the teachers.Author's Response: I'm sorry it was a bit late, I submitted it on Sunday but it didn't get validated for a while.
Yeah, there is a reason Professor Dire is named that! I made him like my sixth grade math teacher. Every time somebody got a question wrong, she pierced them with a horribly awful stare. My friend and I nicknamed it her "Death Stare." Luckily, she didn't hate me that much, but every once in a while I would get pierced with her death stare...
Squirting kids with ink is definitely something Peeves would do. He probably stole an inkwell from a student.
Thanks for pointing out my mistakes. I will fix them. :)
Yeah, David is a very sarcastic character, isn't he?
I'm not going to mention anything about your suspicions except this:
1. The people in the first chapter are definitely men.
2. Th identity of the young man isn't very interesting. He's never directly mentioned in the Harry Potter series. The identify of the old man, however, is extremely interesting.
Really good!! enjoying the story! KEEP WRITTING!Author's Response: Thank you for reviewing! I'm glad that you are liking my story.
I certainly plan to keep writing! I'm going to update soon, so keep checking.
Keep reading! Report Review
Yay, this chapter is up. I was waiting for it.
You've a capital "t" in the middle of the first sentence of the second paragraph, "Once they got to Diagon Alley, They first went to Gringotts Bank to get money out of his parentís vaults."
*laughs at Albus trying to act like he goes to Gringotts every day*
*pokes Binns* The history of the wizarding world would probably be fascinating if taught by somebody halfway competent. I mean, he dismisses mythology, which is an important historical source. Anybody who does that has no business teaching history.
I'm amused by Lily wanting an owl, since I mentioned that in my story too. I guess it's something fairly likely, but it still amuses me when I find coincidences like that.
And Albus's owl sounds really cute.
Love your description of the ice-cream. Very creative and amusing. I don't blame Lily for being reluctant to eat them though.
Also love the fact that you've Mr. Ollivander's son running the shop now. I never imagined him as having a son. I guess I sort of thought of him as being a childless bachelor, dedicated to his business, but there's no canon on that and this is an interesting take on it. Plus it seems to have been passed from father to son all along, as his name is the same as the shop's, so it'd be good if he'd a son to take over.
*grins* I like the fact he hasn't his father's memory. It makes him an individual character, rather than just a carbon copy of his father.
And elder wand...ooh, I wonder if this is a harbringer of something. "Wand of elder, never prosper." I'm guessing Albus will prosper though, no matter what wand he has.
I think my sister had a rag-doll named Pinkie or something like that when she was little.Author's Response: Thanks for pointing out the mistake. I'm happy I have someone who points out mistakes so I can fix them!
Binns really is a boring teacher. History is my favorite subject, but even I would be bored if I had Binns! Somebody should fire him.
I really think that any kid would want an owl. I know I would want one!
I thought the idea of regular ice cream in the wizarding world really boring, so I decided to tweak the ice cream a little bit.
On Pottermore (I don't know if you have an account) one of the exclusive pieces of information is about Mr. Ollivander. It's actually very interesting. In there it states that he has a wife, a son, and a deceased daughter. I know, I always imagined him as single too.
I really wanted Albus's wand to be special, to show that he is different, so I decided to give him an Elder Wand.
I know I used to name a lot of things Pinkie. :)
Thanks for Reading and Reviewing every chapter so far! :) :)
I actually laughed out loud at Albus falling off the stool.
Like I said in my previous review, I could see your Albus as being a good fit for Hufflepuff. I could also see him in Gryffindor. Not so much the other two, so I don't really think there's any danger of Slytherin. He doesn't come across as devious at all. Plus it's the house he wants least, which in itself sort of shows that he doesn't fit there, because he doesn't value "cuteness", to use a term we say here in Ireland. It means something like deviousness, but without the implication of nastiness.
*laughs* The hat was deciding between the two houses I thought Rose would fit for her. And it considered the two houses I thought would fit Albus for him, even if it only considered Hufflepuff for a moment and seemed to think he fit Slytherin much more than I would have, but then I've only had a quickly glimpse at him so far.
That part about him having a great destiny is rather interesting.
Art is starting to remind me a little of Derek in my story. Just because they are both nervous about entering a completely new world though, which I guess is likely to be true for most Muggleborns and in a way Art seems more like Hermione, because he seems to know a bit about the wizarding world and its history already.
*laughs* A little bit of a coincidence: in the chapter I've just posted, my characters are talking about Muggles fearing ghosts. Weird we both posted chapters mentioning that about the same time (well, within a day or so of each other anyway).
The sentence, '"Well, I'd prefer if I'm known as Sir Nicholas." He replied' shouldn't have a capital "H" on the "he", as it's all one sentence. There should be a comma after the "Nicholas" and then a small "h".
Marc Mysticus is a really amusing name. You are good at coming up with unusual names. For my pureblood characters I've mostly used names from the books since so many pureblood families are related and for the Muggleborn characters, I've tried to find British sounding names. Plus I usually stick in an Irish character or two, so I can use ordinary (to me) surnames. *laughs* Marc Mysticus reminds me of how there's this guy who was constantly on our news a year or two ago called Tom Gilmartin. For some reason, the news kept referring to him as "Mr. Gilmartin" instead of using his full name for some reason and my sister misheard it as "Mystical Martin".
That comment about it just being him and his two sisters made me wonder if he has parents, but I guess he just means that's all the siblings he has. I thought at first his sisters might be adults who were raising him.
Oh, Flitwick is headmaster (I nearly said "principal" *laughs*). I assumed he was deputy headmaster, but it makes sense (and is probably closer to canon, if you count interviews as canon) that he'd be headmaster. I wonder how many of the old teachers you are keeping and who the Transfiguration, Charms and Defence Against the Dark Arts teachers will be. And possibly Potions as well, if you have Slughorn retired (though I still suspect he's a villain in this).
The sentence "a Muggle invention which the Muggles created" is a bit redundant. I'd either leave it as "a Muggle invention" or else say "an invention the Muggles created."
You've also said that videos "don't know your there". It should be "don't know YOU'RE there". When you're is short for "you are", you need the apostrophe to stand in for the missing "a".
Love how Albus wonders if people in Muggle pictures get tired of standing around all the time. It really shows how his understanding of photographs is different from ours.
One other thing. The girls' dormitory should probably have the apostrophe after the "s" because there's more than one girl.
And it's "could've" or "could have", not "could of."
Yeah, for somebody who can't spell, I'm pretty nit-picky about grammar, aren't I?
Love the part about James stealing the Marauder's Map. You really gave us an insight into both James's and Albus's personalities there.
And that's a really good idea about flashing back to the trip to Diagon Alley. I would have liked to include the Diagon Alley trip in my story, but I couldn't think how to do so without going back over what the epilogue had already covered. Looking forward to seeing what you do with it.
I'm really enjoying this story.Author's Response: I'm glad you liked it when Albus fell off the stool. :)
I like that you're thinking about the different houses. He really shows charcteristics from many of the houses, doesn't he?
Thanks for pointing out the grammar. You're not too nit-picky.
Rose suits Ravenclaw and Gryffindor, since I imagine her a lot like Hermione.
Yeah, Art is sort of like Derek. Not exactly the same though!
I think that muggle-borns would be very scared of ghosts at first. I know that I would be terrified if I saw them.
Marc is really an interesting character. He's one of my favorites. He's very mysterious. I have a plan for him if I ever write all of Albus's seven years at Hogwarts, but that seems very far away right now!
I'm not going to tell you whether you are right or wrong when you say that Slughorn is the old wizard in the first chapter. I don't want to ruin anything!
It's very satisfying to know things that everybody else doesn't know.
Marc does have parents, he was just referring to his siblings!
I have a lot of new teachers, since Snape died in the Battle of Hogwarts, many of them retired, and I doubt the Carrows would still be teachers!
Ops. I knew about your and you're, and also there, their, and they're, I just did a silly mistake. I'll fix it!
James is very fun, (he reminds me of his namesake) and Albus is much more serious. He doesn't like to break the rules. (much!) :)
I really wanted to write about Albus's Diagon Alley trip, so I decided to have a flashback.
Thanks for reviewing! :) Report Review
I'm looking forward to seeing where you place Albus. As a character, any of the four houses seems to work for him, so it's interesting to see where people put him.
Really like the way you have him being homesick. I can't imagine being away from home for months on end at the age of 11 and particularly in a world that doesn't even have phones. I'm from a country where colleges (or universities in case you are English or Australian or anything) often close early on a Friday, to allow everybody get home for the weekend, so the idea is quite foreign to me.
*pokes James* He loves torturing Albus, doesn't he?
Aw, I love the way Albus is convinced his dad would never have been scared starting Hogwarts, when we know he was. Plus, his whole situation was different from Albus's. Hogwarts could hardly be worse than living with the Dursleys, whereas it's probably not going to be as loving as Albus's home.
I know how Albus feels about tasting new foods. *laughs*
When Rose is telling Albus how to perform the spell, you have a full stop at the end of what she says and a capital S on "says". It should be a comma at the end of what she says and a small s.
I'm actually starting to see your Albus as a Hufflepuff. *waits to see where you put him* Actually, a Hufflepuff facing Dark Wizards would be pretty interesting. Hmm, Rose's comment about how he's too nice for Slytherin seems to fit with Hufflepuff.
I'm thinking Hufflepuff or Gryffindor for him and Ravenclaw or Gryffindor for Rose. The main reason I'm thinking it might be Gryffindor for both of them is you might want/need them together and Rose really doesn't seem like a Hufflepuff and he doesn't seem particularly Ravenclawish, although I could be wrong. But neither of them seem a bad fit for Gryffindor.
I tend to skip sorting songs because they are so hard to write, so I'm always impressed when somebody writes one. *grins*
You're going to make us wait until the next chapter to find out where Albus is sorted, aren't you?
I like the fact that you have Flitwick as Headmaster. And I wonder what Professor Fuchs teaches and what he's like.
Hmm, as in my story, the hat pauses before placing Scorpius in Slytherin. I wonder if that means he has some more pleasant characteristics than Albus thinks. Albus does think of him as looking unpleasant here, but that might be bias. I'm looking forward to finding out more about him.
*grins* It's weird how coincidences like that happen. I also found a few things in Gyffin_Duck's stories that are weirdly similar to stuff I have planned for later in mine. I don't think anybody is going to think that a similarity between the owls' names is anything but a coincidence though.Author's Response: When writing this, I tried to put myself in Albus's shoes. I think if I was in his position, I would be very homesick. A few years ago, I went on vacation for 2 weeks and got homesick by the end, even though I was with my family. So its hard to imagine going off to boarding school.
James LOVES to tease Albus. Unfortunately, I also have an annoying older brother.
Albus has heard stories his entire life of all the achievements his dad has done. So Albus doesn't realize that his dad used to be a little boy who got kicked around by Dudley.
I absolutely hate trying new foods, so Bertie Botts Every Flavor Beans would be my worst enemy. But I do love chocolate, so that's why Albus likes Chocolate Frogs.
Thanks for pointing out the mistake, I'll try to fix it. Yay, I only made one mistake this time! :)
I guess I made Albus too much like me, because I am 100% Hufflepuff, and I'm very proud of it. In my opinion, Hufflepuff is the best house in Hogwarts. Albus could still be in Gryffindor, Ravenclaw, or Slytherin though.
I think I did okay with my sorting hat song, even though on the second line I say, "where you should be at" which is improper grammar. Rhyming is so hard!!
Cliffhangers are horrible and awesome at the same time. They are horrible because you nearly die of curiousness. But they are wonderful since they keep the attention of the reader.
One of my favorite authors ( In the actual world, not Fan Fiction land) ends every book in the series on a cliffhanger. The worst part: she hasn't finished the series yet. It usually takes several months for the next book to come out!
McGonagall would probably have already retired by the time Albus came to Hogwarts, so I decided to have Flitwick be headmaster, since he is very close to her.
I think Scorpious probably would not be as much of a bully as Draco is, so I had the sorting hat consider for a few minutes before placing Scorpious in Slytherin. I don't think he'll be so good enough to be in Ravenclaw or someplace other than Slytherin, or become friends with Albus. I know other Fan Fictions have done that.
I didn't think anybody would be concerned that Gryffin Duck's owl and mine are the same, but I am new to Fan Fiction, so I added the warning just in case.
I think this is the longest response on here I've ever written! And thanks for reviewing! Report Review
Really intriguing beginning for a story. I'm intrigued as to who the Dark Wizards are.
It's better to write "two men" than "2 men". I've done the latter myself and I'm being extremely nitpicky here anyway, as the meaning is the same, but generally writing the word is considered more professional.
Hmm, this is interesting. I'm wondering if "Tom" is Voldemort. It sounds like it, but if so, these men must be extremely old. And one of them said he knew Tom would become something. I presume he is talking about knowing that around 1970, so nearly 50 years ago. Of course, wizards can live to over a hundred, so maybe not that unusual.
You've written "they past shops", when it should be "they passed shops".
This is a really unusual way to start a next generation fanfic. Unusual in a good way. I don't think I've seen it done like this before. Most people start with Harry and his children; I have myself. So I really like the way you jump right into the story.
I find myself particularly interested in the older man. It sounds as if he was a power behind Voldemort and nobody, not even Dumbledore realised it.
I'm wondering if it could be Slughorn. Because of the mention of him being supposed to be a teacher and of course, it is possible that Slughorn could have given Voldemort the information he did in canon deliberately. Plus, being the power behind the throne just sounds like him.
I find it kind of amusing the way the younger man seems to be trying so hard to copy Voldemort.
Adding this to my favourites.Author's Response: Wow, thank you for my very first review! This is the first story I've ever written, and you sound like an expert! I plan on reading your stories soon. My first chapter isn't even a full day old on here, and already I have a review! Wow!
Thanks for pointing out the mistakes, I will correct them later when I correct another mistake I noticed. I'm actually glad you pointed those things out so I can fix them!
Just so you know, I plan on updating this every 2 weeks, even though I'm already up to Chapter 8. Thanks Again for being my very first review! Report Review
Terms of Service
categories & genres
short story collection