Reading Reviews for The Prim and Not So Proper
  
9 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Jchrissy Introductions

15th November 2012:
Hi there! I love a story that focuses on friendship. Not that this is what these two girls currently are, but It seems fairly inevitable that they'll end up that way!

I actually enjoyed your perspective switches, and was happy to read that you'd continue transitioning every chapter. First person isn't a style I love because of the limited view point, so I'm glad you'll open that up by using both Maggie and Beth!

I think you did a very good job giving your characters realistic personalities and believable actions that go towards those personalities. I am really curious about Beth's younger brother and hope that we find more out about his illness!

I think you've created a really interesting start, though there are a few rough patches (mainly where dialogue punctuation is concerned) but they aren't cause enough to make me want to stop reading.

Have you considered getting a beta reader? I love having one, he's awesome at helping me be sure that a chapter is as smooth as it can get. There aren't many mistakes, but a good beta reader could absolutely spot the errors!

Great start, m'dear!

Jami

Author's Response: Thank you so much for taking the time to review this!! I'm glad you enjoyed it.

I normally can't stand 1st person perspectives for the same reason but this story just became too general when I put it in 3rd person.

Yea I need to go through and edit this chapter properly. My punctuation around dialogue has always been a bit patchy so hopefully this story will brush up my skills a bit.

I'm not really so keen for a beta reader. I know they will pick up a bunch of mistakes but I'm still deciding whether or not I really like this story and I don't want to have a beta reader, only to give up on the story half way through.

Thanks again for the review!!!


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Review #2, by Elphaba and Boyfriends And the Ravenclaws

4th November 2012:
Hello! There are quite a few things that I really like about this chapter! :)

First of all, I like how Elizabeth seems to shift from at-home to at-school modes. "The alarm that woke me was unfamiliar, the bed uncomfortable." I like this contrast to how she woke up at home. I think this contrast is so true, because people do act differently based on the people they're with and the environment they find themselves in.

Her interactions with the Ravenclaws also contrast sharply with Max and the Hufflepuffs -- Max seems to be totally in her element, while she seems wary and stressed.

At first I wasn't completely sold on the Ravenclaws' desire to look perfect. I figured they would care more about grades than looks; but it makes sense in the context of needing to be the best and cleverest at everything. I agree that the Slytherins would be their main competition, because they strike me as being ultra competitive.

I think the writing in this chapter is quite strong overall! However, I did find one instance of repetitive sentences: "They fit me perfectly and had the added bonus of accentuating my body in a way that the teachers could not complain about. The robes fit my body as snugly as robes could and showed of my shape more than the robes tended to normally." I think you could streamline the paragraph by taking out the second sentence.

This section: "The potions that we made tended to bubble and spit, seemingly with the intention to ruin our carefully assembled outfits..." made me chuckle, because I imagine Snape would definitely find it amusing when their hair and clothing were ruined. :)

Elizabeth's apparent disdain for and jealousy of Max has me very curious about their history! I hope some of the history will be revealed in later chapters.

Finally, I really like how you end the chapter with a tie-in to the hierarchy within the houses that Max mentioned in the previous chapter. ""Don't worry about them. It's up to them to figure that out." This also nicely depicts the contrast between both the main characters and their respective houses.

I'm looking forward to the next chapter!

Author's Response: Thank you so much for continuing to review this. It really means a lot.

I went out on a limb a bit with the whole looking perfect thing but I really felt it fitted with the character. She is queen of her world.

Thanks for pointing out that sentence. I do remember thinking whether it was right but I must have posted the chapter before I fixed it.

That made me giggle as well. I felt it was a very Snape thing to do.

It most certainly will. In the next chapter if I remember rightly.

I really wanted these two chapters to further contrast the two girls as well as give more of an insight to the inner workings of their school lives.

I'm glad you enjoyed it. Thank you so much for the review!!


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Review #3, by my_voice_rising (not logged in) Introductions

2nd November 2012:
Hi there! I'm (finally) here with your requested review from the forums!

I have to say that I'm intrigued by your summary; one because there are no 'ships listed, which means that this story about a female OC could be completely different from others! Your introduction was good; I liked the change in language from something languid and poetic to more contemporary as she gained consciousness. Nice touch!

I also really like that you've written the same scene twice for two different OCs. It contrasts them very well against one another and doesn't get tired the second time around, so nice work!

Bravo! You have given an OC a special gift like being a metaphormagus, and you haven't made it a Mary Sue type quality in any way! I love that you briefly listed the benefits like being able to sneak around the castle, but then made the really interesting point about not being an individual because everyone can always tell what you're thinking. Interesting bit of canon that you've talked about here in a unique way!

I snorted quietly at Max for freaking out about her trunk at the last minute. Every year, huh? Sounds like me. Nice touch. I also love that we don't get to know her real name! Surely it will come in to play later within the story. It keeps the reader interested. Between this and her metamorphmagus backgrounds, your OC is very human.

One thing I am noticing is that you're missing some punctuation in several places, usually at the end of a sentence spoken by a character. An example is "Morning Beth" which should be "Morning Beth." with a period. Or "Morning Beth," said my father, if the sentence continues after the dialogue :)

Poor Liam! What a great character. By revealing this and the horrible traits of their mother (sympathy parties, really!) we already see a good reason why Beth is the way she is--very meticulous and measured, etc. She has to be the adult for all of them, huh?

45r

Author's Response: Thank you so much for this review!!! I'm glad you enjoyed it so much. I'm definitely looking forward to exploring the friendships between these two characters. I often find romance if often over done and has too much importance placed on it. Let's be honest, how much true romance takes place in high school? I'm glad you like the way I've introduced the metamorphmagus. I was worried about how that would be percieved. Also I'm glad that you've read so much into Elizabeth. I've always felt like she was a deeper character than she sometimes seems.

Also thanks for pointing out the grammar. My punctuation around speech is always a bit dodgy. I really need to go through and edit this.

Thanks again for your review!! It was really appreciated :D


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Review #4, by Elphaba and Boyfriends Meet the Hufflepuffs

24th October 2012:
Hello, Elphaba here again! :)

What I like most about this chapter is your characterization of the Hufflepuffs. Max shares a camaraderie with her housemates that sets them apart -- they'd rather squish into one train compartment together than split into smaller cliques.

You emphasize this at the end, as well: "Unlike the hierarchy that resided in other houses, we were proud to help the youngsters with anything they needed help with..." I really like the way you define their Hufflepuffness.

I really liked this section, too: "I refrained from reminding her that she had almost fainted when sorted and then actually had fainted when I said hello to her at the Hufflepuff table. It seems we are liable to forget things as we grow older." It's funny, but I think it also says something that is very true.

I did think the end of the chapter was a bit abrupt, but I'm not sure how else it should have ended. I feel like I got a nice introduction to Max's friends, and now I am waiting for the action. I'm interested to see how the Hufflepuffs will clash with the Ravenclaws and with professors like Snape!

The only thing that stuck out grammar-wise is this sentence, and only because it's 3rd person, rather than 1st person like the rest of the chapter: "Dylan declared a race and the hyperactive group of overfed teenagers half-heartedly took him up on it." I might rewrite it something like this: "Dylan declared a race and we (being hyperactive, overfed teenagers) half-heartedly took him up on it."

I'm also interested to see how Max's metamorph abilities come in to play in the story - it's really interesting that she chooses to conceal them. I think most people would expect her to show them off, so it's cool that she doesn't. :)

Author's Response: Thank you so much for your review! I was a bit worried about this chapter. This was a story written a while ago for a NaNo and so I always feel like it gets off to a bit of a slow start thanks to me trying to extend it to meet the word count.

I'm glad you picked up on the characterisations of the Hufflepuffs. I really wanted to capture both the Hufflepuffs and the Ravenclaws to really expand on the similarities and differences between the two groups.

Thanks for pointing out that sentence. I went through and did a tense clean-up but obviously missed that one. It's hidden well enough that I missed it :P

Yea it was a hard decision about whether it would be realistic to hide it from her friends but I feel like it adds a little more depth to her as a character. She is surrounded by friends she adores but yet she refuses to reveal an integral part of her character.

Oh and the chapter ending. I'd never really seen it as abrupt. That's definitely something I will look over. It hopefully will make a bit more sense once the next chapter is posted.

Thanks again for your review!! You made my day :D


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Review #5, by javct Introductions

24th October 2012:
javct45 here (finally!) with your requested review.

Sorry for taking so long; school is being annoying again.

Now, onto the story: you have set up the characters really well, you've given them strong foundations and good personalities. I like how Max (or Maggie - I ADORE that name by the way) is a metamorphmagus (let's pretend that I didn't copy and paste that because I cant' spell it) it adds another dimension to her and also how it portrays her moods -- that should be interesting to see how it plays out in the story.

Also, what's this? A fic about two-girls that ISN'T slash? Gosh, I love you. I'm really sick of girls not being able to friends or enemies without something either 'romantic' or 'physical' happening between them!

You asked about grammar. I did pick up one thing that happened quite a few times. After someone has finished speaking you have to put either a comma, a full stop or an exposition (!?), I noticed that you did it a few times but you also missed it. Nothing a quick once over won't fix.

Great job!
Jasmine, x

Author's Response: Thanks for taking the time to review this!! I know all about school being annoying, I have exams I should be studying for.

Haha I get annoyed by that too. And guy-girl relationships that can't be just friends. One of the things I really wanted to explore in this was the idea of a friendship between two opposing personalities and the dynamics around that. I doubt there is going to be anything more than hand holding in the way of romance in this :P

Thanks for the grammar tip!! I never paid enough attention in English, and most of my troubles do tend to be centred around speech. I will definitely go through and fix this up.

Thanks again for your review!! You put a huge smile on my face :D


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Review #6, by Calypso  Introductions

17th October 2012:
Hey there! This is CalypsoJenna from the forums, here with your requested review. I'm sorry it's taken me a while to get round to it!

Great beginning! You introduced your characters and set out their differences really well. The passage where each of them woke up particularly emphasised this- it told the reader a lot about both girls. I think at the moment, I prefer Max of the two of them- she makes me laugh!

In fact, all the way through, you did a really good job of highlighting the disparity between these girls' lives- Max with her slightly chaotic family, and Elizabeth with her rather more serene one.

I really enjoyed the family relationships in this chapter- you've put them together really well. I think Max being close to her grandfather is a really great idea- it will add so much depth to the story to have his voice in there. Elizabeth's relationship with Liam also seems really sweet! It's an interesting idea for this "studious and perfect" character to be dealing with a terminally ill brother. I would advise you though, not to make Liam tooo perfect- as a nine-year-old boy, I'm sure he'd have some moments too! Although in this chapter you've steered clear of that. Also like the way you've developed his illness- it seems realistic.

So well done on this chapter! You've set up two very conflicting characters- I'm very intrigued as to how they're going to meet. I think it's a very original idea to base a story around (what I assume will be) a friendship, rather than a romance. A wonderful start!

-Bethany

Author's Response: Thanks for your review!!

I love that Max makes you laugh. She's probably my favourite character at this point. Though I've really enjoyed exploring Elizabeth's character.

Hmm thanks for the point about Liam. He doesn't have a huge part in this but I guess a nine year old would have to be selfish at some point. I will keep that in mind for future chapters. I'm glad the illness seems realistic though.

I feel there are far too many romantic fictions on this site so I really wanted to use this piece to explore relationships outside of this field, and how two very different girls would interact in the Hogwarts social scene :)


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Review #7, by manno_malfoy Introductions

13th October 2012:
Hello! I'm finally here with your requested review.

For a first chapter, I think this is a really good one. In the very beginning, when the POV shifted for the first time, I got a little worried that things would get tangled up. Nonetheless, I was surprised by how smoothly all the events seemed to flow and how just those few glimpses you've included here help characterise the two girls already!

Which brings me to my next point. You made it quite easy to see how different the two characters are, and not only in the way they speak, but in the way they deal with such simple things like mornings and packing. These are such little details that can add a lot to a character but we don't always pay attention to.

I also admire how you inserted things here and there to help us draw inferences about what sort of a life each of the characters has and it didn't feel forced or as though you were just trying to feed us information. It was all so natural that I really enjoyed it.

If there's one thing that may have distracted me a little, then it certainly would've been sentence length. Now, this is mostly a personal preference, but I thought I'd point it out because, at some points, I felt that the sentences were a bit too short and could've benefited from being merged.

That aside, I think you've written a wonderful first chapter with two interesting main characters who seem to be very well thought through, and I would love to see what'll be happening next.

Thank you for requesting and good luck with the rest of the story!

-Manno

Author's Response: Thank you very much for your feedback. I'm glad it was so easy to tell the two characters apart. I was a little worried about that.

Haha I usually get feedback about my sentences being too long. I will definitely have another look at this chapter and see what I can do to change it up. I possibly overcompensated a little when I was editing :D

Thanks again. Your time is hugely appreciated. Have a hug!


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Review #8, by Elphaba and Boyfriends Introductions

13th October 2012:
Hi, Elphaba here with your requested review!

So, first of all, I like how well you establish the opposite natures of your two main characters through their vastly different morning routines. I think cross-cutting the POVs worked well for this introductory chapter. It'll be cool to see how each character views the other once they clash at school. :)

I also like how you use details like the harsh alarm clock to show that Max lives in a muggle-ish house, while Binky's presence shows that Elizabeth likely lives in a pureblood household.

I think it's really interesting that Elizabeth trusts Binky more than her parents, and like the fact that her whole family isn't depicted as being perfect. I think the coldness of her parents and Liam's needs help to explain why she tries so hard to be perfect herself. When Elizabeth says "It was like they didn't care," I wonder whether this is really the case, or if they just have a poor way of showing that they care?

Liam's illness is really interesting as well (although sad) since there weren't many magical illnesses portrayed in the books. I'm curious to see how it will progress throughout the story.

Oh, and I love that the muggle and wizard sides of Max's family get along! I hope David shows up again. :)

Author's Response: Thank you!! I'm glad it was so easy to tell the characters apart, I was a little worried about that.

Your assumptions about the characters are pretty much spot on. I'm glad that I was able to show these things without breaking Elizabeth's character. I was really worried that her overly proper portrayal would lose some of the depth of her character.

David definitely comes back, but I had to edit it so he is no longer a muggle. He has lived like one for most of his life though. The storyline didn't work otherwise. :/

Thank you so much for your time. It was hugely appreciated :D


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Review #9, by TheGoldenKneazle Introductions

7th October 2012:
Eep I love this so much already! :3 You've done such a brilliant job of showing the differences between the two girls in all that they do, and mixed feelings are already showing up concerning both their lives. It's a brilliant beginning.

Max seems so happy-go-lucky, and you've really made her such a 3D character with her family relationships and dislikes of mornings without going over the top about it. She really contrasts with Elizabeth, who's perhaps slightly less well-fleshed-out with her annoying parents but even though they've not even hinted at the other's presence, there's already this undercurrent of how much Beth will be disliking Max.

Your characterisation of them and their families was portrayed really nicely, too; just watching them about their daily morning routines, their thoughts and memories, showed us a lot more than I would have expected. It was nice to be shown a lot of it instead of a whole chapter of explanations with no action :D

I'm really excited to see where this goes, too! There's interesting little tidbits that catch my attention about both of them so it does definitely make me want to read on.
~TGK

Author's Response: Thank you!! Hopefully the next chapter will be up soon. I really enjoyed writing the differences between these two characters. Dont worry, Elizabeth does get more fleshed out as the story progresses. Thank you so much for your review :)

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