44 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Veritaserum27 00 Prologue

4th April 2014:
Hi! I'm here for review tag.

Wow. I LOVED this. I was a little unsure based on the summary, but you are such a fantastic writer that I was completely drawn in! This story has so much potential and your little details are concise but SO descriptive, they totally paint a picture for the reader.

I am so curious as to who the wizard (director) is, I keep making guesses in my head. Draco? Lucius? Some other death eater?

Great start to such an original story idea!

Beth (Veritaserum27)

Author's Response: Hello! Thank you for your review and so sorry that I've taken forever to come and give you a response. I'm glad that you were drawn into the story! I may need to change the summary a bit but we'll see.

Ah, the Director. He has his reasons to be doing what he's doing and I hope people understand his motives when "the big reveal" happens. I just love that their first guess is a Death Eater. XD

Thank you so much for your review!!

--Rosie


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Review #2, by luciusobsessed 00 Prologue

4th April 2014:
Hey there, luciusobsessed here with your review. So so so terribly sorry it took me forever. Unfortunately I had a hectic week but I'm happy I'm here now to review your wonderful story!

Wowow this is awesome! So original and creative!

I like that this is so different from anything I've ever read on here. I like how you're incorporating Muggles into the story through a wizard. That's amazing. Also, since science honestly in a way is our Muggle world's magic, it was really exciting to see how you connected that to both worlds as well.

I like where this is going! Keep up the great work and feel fee to re-request :))

luciusobsessed

Author's Response: Hello there!!

Hey, it's alright for taking your time. I did the same for your response. Haha. I know what you mean about hectic week.

I'm glad you liked the story line!!

Muggles will play a big part in this story, at least greedy and powerful muggles. And you're absolutely right, science is our Muggle world's magic. Science and technology are our magic and I'll be trying to blend that into the story. Wizards are always saying how "primitive" Muggles are and this will give them a run for their money and will hopefully stop stereotyping Muggles.

Anyway, thank you for your review!! Reviews makes me happy and giddy! hahaha

--Rosie


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Review #3, by Aphoride 01 For Crown and Country

29th March 2014:
Hey there - sorry it took me so long to get to this! I've been incredibly busy with RL for the last month or so, but it's mostly cleared up now so here I am! :)

Okay, so first off, I love the way you've written it as a number of sections which jump around from place to place and character to character. It really helps heighten the tension and get the mystery element in quick and early, you know? Makes it feel unsure... almost unsafe, if that makes sense.

I love how you're including an older Ron/Hermione/Harry/etc. with a new Minister and os on. It's such a lovely and different thing to see, since usually people don't include them when they're older... but yeah, I love how they're older and more mature but still identifiably them, you know? Even if you didn't have names I'd know who they were - the way Hermione tried to convince Ron to retire, and Ginny and her are ganging up on the boys to do it, haha. Hugo's reaction is such a typical child's response too! I'd be exactly the same, lol...

The scene with the Brigadier and the Major and the others is so chilling. Like, they're not good guys at all, but they seem to almost try and convince themselves that they are, and they don't care about what they have to do in order to protect themselves and 'their' things... I love how we don't know much about them, though - I think it works so well with this. It makes them that much more mysterious and terrifying, makes them more of a nameless face in the crowd...

Also, Hugo! Poor Hugo! And Lorcan... ah, no! I'm guessing the 'body' is one of them... not sure which one it'll be yet, but I'm guessing it's either one of them. Oh wow. Poor Harry and Ron when they have to identify the body - that's really not going to be great! Still, great, great cliffhanger and suspense! ;)

There were a few places here and there where you missed out little words, like 'he'. It's a small thing, but maybe if you read it through - maybe out loud might help more? - again, you should spot most of them. It just jars the flow a bit occasionally, makes it seem a bit strange... just thought I'd mention it!

Apart from that, really, this is awesome! Your writing is lovely and so clear and you're really building in the suspense/mystery element so, so well and I'm incredibly curious to know more! Your characters are all well-developed, and for those who aren't all that well-developed, it works with the kind of character they are, you know? so it doesn't really matter that much!

A really, really great chapter! :) Feel free to re-request!

Aph xx

Author's Response: Hello!!! So sorry I've taken forever to come and give you a response. I know the feeling about RL getting in the way.

I like splitting up the sections to give people a full aspect of what is going on. To give a glimpse of how things happened, why, and who. And how Harry and Co. handle the situation. And avoid plot holes as I write, hahaha.

The Ron and Hermione scene is something that I got from "experience". Haha. Not trying to convince my husband to retire but a way for me to get my way in some stuff. Hugo's reaction is something that I would see myself doing if I caught my own parents doing that.

The Brigadier and Major are definitely not good people. But they definitely, have it in their heads that what they're doing is the right thing. For the greater good, for the best for humanity.

I'm glad that you have some fear for what happens to either Lorcan and Hugo.

I'll do a second, third re-read and get together with my beta to iron the chapter out a bit more.

Thank you for your kind words! They help me want to keep on writing, to want to finish this story out and tell you guys everything I want to say in this story!!

Thank you for your review!!!

--Rosie


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Review #4, by Penelope Inkwell 02 Cassandra's Gift

28th March 2014:
Hey! Now I am also here! :D

Okay, I LOVE Sir Podmore. He is hilarious!

The part about the nurses at the hospital being practically the same as the Healers--they’ve seen all kinds of crazy things--just cracked me up. I have several friends who are studying to be nurses, and that sounds very accurate, based on what I hear from them.

"There were machines that he was sure his father-in-law would love to get his hands on. All of this around him was a different kind of magic that Harry wished he knew a little bit more.”
--I liked this. First off, because sometimes it seems a narrow line between technology and magic. Second for the Arthur Weasley reference. He would go crazy for that. Can you imagine him in a science lab? Now that is a great visual. But you also point out something that I’ve never much thought about. Harry really wouldn’t understand a lot about Muggle society, would he? I mean, granted, advanced sciences is a pretty niche topic. When we see him in the books, he’s kind of forced to keep abreast of those things, just because he’s grown up with the Dursleys. But he never went farther than Muggle elementary school, and after he left them, he was totally entrenched in the wizarding world. It’s sort of interesting to think about, how in twenty-something years he probably wouldn’t be up to date on many Muggle things at all, even though he grew up as one.

Oh, my gosh, when they began describing what had happened to the body, my heart nearly stopped. I was afraid it was Hugo. And it was Lorcan, which is still HORRIBLE. Why is it always the twins?! And oh. my. sweet. goodness, where is HUGO?!

So, I’ve got to say I really enjoyed this chapter. We started off with action--Harry thinking that his office was being ransacked. Then we got some light comedy. Intrigue. Suspense. Horror. Foreign language if we count the Swiss victim, so throw in some Romance and you’d have every section of Blockbuster covered!

(Well, Blockbuster doesn’t exist anymore, I don’t think, but Netflix has too many sections to work for that joke).

I liked hearing the background of how Harry made connections with the Muggle police force and the whole Dolohov capture. I always like some good backstory. It’s fun to find out how you’ve imagined them spending the past couple decades.

I’m still so curious. Scared, because you’re obviously not afraid to KILL PEOPLE OFF (I’m going to have trust issues with you forever now. Poor Luna). But I guess I never know what’s going to happen, so that keeps me on my toes. And I enjoy a good mystery. Can’t wait to see what happens next!

CC:

Okay, you know--you know how nitpicky I am. So there are several things here. But most of them are picky little details.

"or any enemy he might’ve angered off recently; he had too many of them to really keep track of anything he had done recently.”
--I’d cut out “off”. I don’t think you really anger people off. And I would avoid using “recently” twice in the same sentence. My suggestion would be to say, "or any enemy he might’ve angered recently; he had too many of them to really keep track.”

"As Harry was settled for the day he contemplated on how boring and slow his day would be.”
--I’d suggest replacing “As Harry was settled for the day” with “As Harry settled in to work...”

"He didn’t bother to show up at Mrs. Granger’s dinner last night
--It seems kind of odd that Ron would still be calling his mother-in-law for 20-odd years “Mrs. Granger”. Maybe just, “his grandmother’s dinner” or “Hermione’s mum’s dinner”?

"next visit if they tried it out the new product on Harry first.
Then an idea struck him and a small smirk form on his face.”

--It should be either “if they tried it out on Harry” or “if they tried out the new product on Harry”.

"Harry remembered well of that weekend,”
--Harry remembered that weekend well?

"Aye, it was to take a look at the tourist’s body”
--‘Aye’ is kind of jarring here. It doesn’t seem like something that would be part of Harry’s normal lexicon. I’m no expert, but it’s something I associate more with people from the northern part of the U.K.

"how they had survived the rampant waters Harry didn’t know.”
--I don’t think rampant is really the right word here. I get that it’s meant to convey wild/raging, but I don’t think it’s a word that can really describe water, unless you’re saying, like, “the rampant waves”.

"Harry, instead, gave Braxton a portrait of Sir Merek Podmore as a gift, something Ron was glad to get out of his cubicle, and instructed him that if anything out of the ordinary started to happen. Things that he couldn’t quite explain in a report, to just let Podmore know and Harry would come to help.”
--This should probably be one sentence, all together, or should split in a different place.

“If Lorcan is here, beaten to death, where my boy, Harry?”
--“where is my boy” would probably be more correct. And less gangsta.

So, forgive my pickiness! I know it looks like a lot of things, but really it’s usually, like, a missing word. I’m really enjoying the plot and I hope you’re planning on updating soon because I have GOT to know what is going on here. You use suspense super effectively. TOO effectively! How am I going to handle the wait?!

--Penny

Author's Response: HEY!!!

So sorry that I've taken forever to come and give you a review!! RL just kicks my behind every so often.

However, *cracks knuckles* let's tackle this awesome review!!

I find it funny how much of a feedback I've gotten for Sir Podmore!! I just had him sort of a background thing, to be able to deliver a message without having to give Harry a cell phone which would be out of character for him. I may have to use him once again and hope that I get the same reaction!

Thank you for mentioning how much of a narrow line magic and science is. It's almost a grey area. Science and technology and indeed our way of magic. How do we keep airplanes up in the air? Cure diseases? It's our "magic". And that's one of the themes of this story.

And perhaps it's the best for humanity to keep Arthur at bay from a science lab for that reason. He would go happy, insane, for that advanced technology. He has seen TVs and I'm sure he has seen computers but equipment at this high caliber? I doubt it. Hahaha.

I've always thought Harry of lacking more Muggle knowledge aside for his elementary knowledge. Beyond that, Dudley is more educated than him. Knows more of the subject than his cousin. He's definitely far behind in his knowledge and at this point, whatever he knew of Muggle technology and way of life is quite expired.

Yeah, what happened to Lorcan was horrible. However, because of rating goes here in the site, I couldn't really elaborate on that. In fact, his death was a lot more horrible in my head. So if you can imagine something worse, that's what happened to Lorcan.

Ah, definitely speaking...Poor Hugo! He's going to go through something very hard in his life...

Hahaha, I used to love going to Blockbuster on the weekends with my parents! We would spend at least 30 mins trying to decide what movie to watch or game to rest. Thank you for remaining me of that store! It brought fond memories!

I'm glad that you liked the backstory of Harry and the Muggle Police force. I had to keep it believable. And be able to wave into the story as to WHY the Muggle Police knew about magic. Otherwise it just doesn't work.

You're right, I don't have any problem on killing characters off. I have a death that I already have planned and I know it'll make people hate me. Hahaha. However, it must happen! And for that I apologize in advance! :S

I LOVE YOUR NITPICKY-NESS!

You know very well how much I appreciate it. It makes Ron sound less gangsta! Hahaha!

I'm almost done with the next chapter so I hope you don't get to wait long!!

Thank you, again, for you fantastic review! They always make me happy! And so sorry that I've taken forever to give you a proper response.

Until next time
--Rosie


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Review #5, by Lady Asphodel 02 Cassandra's Gift

26th March 2014:
Oh gosh! I am sorry for Luna's boy, but I am so glad that it is not Hugo!

Oh my gosh - oh my gosh - oh my gosh!


I am so scared for him - and that is saying something because fanfiction I've been reading lately has not evoked emotions out of me like how you are now!


Once more, another amazing read! Everything is coming together! A war between Muggles and Wizards... wow... Just wow...


I loved the part where Harry had his revengeful way of waking up Ron!

And I love this other characters too! They're very intriguing... and I am not much of a fan for OC's so great job dear!


Please, please, please update soon!


- Asphodel

Author's Response: Yeah, poor Luna. Definitely. And poor Lysander who just lost his own twin. However, what makes you think that Hugo is safe? Hahaha! He's about to be given as a gift, a lab rat, to a woman with strong ambitions.

I'm happy that this story has given you strong emotions! That's what I was going for, really! Anything that causes emotions to my readers, whether they be happy, sad or worried about the characters...then I've done my job.

A war? Maybe! You'll get to see what happens coming soon! I'm excited to show you guys!

I had to make some parts light, funny! So that part of Ron and Harry had to be it. Besides, I couldn't help myself.

I'm with you when it comes to OCs. I have to keep them interesting or otherwise I would get tired of them too. Cassandra here is, so far, my favorite OC. I want to make people confused about her. Do we like her? Hate her? Are we rooting for her? *Evil laugh*

Thank you for your kind words! I'll have an update soon.

--Rosie


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Review #6, by Lady Asphodel 01 For Crown and Country

26th March 2014:
Omg! Please don't let Hugo be dead! I am going to be so heartbroken and I am already listening to a very sad song! *heartbreaks*


Again, another well-written chapter! I am so glad that I found this! Very unique plot and writing structure!

The characterization is spot-on! Your story is bringing so much nostalgia right now! Gosh!

I am off to read the next chapter!


Thanks so much for writing this story! And I hope to see more of this after the latest chapter! :)




- Asphodel

Author's Response: I'm not here to break hearts! Ok...maybe I am. And make people cry. Hahahahaha!!

Thank you so much for your kind words! I'm glad you like the plot and the writing structure. I haven't written a story in 3rd pov, let alone multiple POVs so it's nice to hear that people like it!

NO! Thank YOU for reading this story!!! Seriously!

--Rosie


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Review #7, by Lady Asphodel 00 Prologue

26th March 2014:
Hello! Alishya here from the review tag!


I am so mind-blown after reading this... like wow! I am very excited and sitting on the edge of my seat after reading the last couple of paragraphs!


For one thing, you did a marvelous job explaining the setting and the mood of the story! There are many stories with the compliments of having the writing style of JKR - which you have my dear - and you have her magic fingers... in terms of... like I honestly believe and wish this could be a sequel to the Deathly Hallows because reading this prologue is off to a great start!


It's so different from all the normal post-Hogwarts fictions I've read - and yours is the best one! Hands down!


I also have to give you a lot of kudos for pulling a science-like fic to a magical-theme story - because you know those two elements contradict each other so much... like science does not take in the knowledge of miracles or religion of any kind. Everything has to have an explanation - no and, if, or buts about it. So, I can't wait to see how you're going to tangle the unexplained with the explained.


You really don't understand how geeked I am from reading this. I'm ready to sink myself into your next chapter - but I am also dreading to reach the end because it's only two - and I want to see more!

I am writing this long review so that you can understand my zealousness and love for your story!

I also gotta say your fiction is the first one I read where magic is exposed to Muggles! I was planning to do the same for a crossover fic I have to repost, but I was nervous because I was (and still quite am) uncertain as to how I can pull it off. However, reading this... it has given me encouragement to move forward with it - so thank you!!

I definitely look forward to get some more insight on Cassandra and the director who Harry had made him upset somehow --- and just seeing where you going with this period!


This is more than good! It's absolutely brilliant! I hope you're still working on this story!




- Asphodel

Author's Response: Hello Alishya! :D

Ah!! I'm excited you're excited for this story! And seriously! Thank you so much for that compliment. When I read it, I flailed. Haha it really is a great compliment to be told that the writing resembles JKRs.

What's weird is that I'm not a fan of Post-Hogwarts fics. Specially the Next Gen ones. However, I was inspired by Dan's Conspiracy of Blood to try my hand at an older trio. It's definitely a challenge trying to mature characters that you've only read up to their late teens. I'm making it work though. Haha.

Aww! Go ahead and post it! Crossovers can be daunting, having written one or two myself, but it can be done. S'long as you respect both worlds, it works. Haha. So what kind of Crossover are you thinking of posting?

Ah, the Director and Cassandra! Those two are my favorites! You'll see who the Director is and what kind of role Cassandra is ging to play.

Thank you so much for your review!! I'm definitely still working on this story. I have a few chapters already written out and need to get beta read first before posting. I want to stay ahead of the game, you know.

Anyway! THANK YOU!!

--Rosie


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Review #8, by Rumpelstiltskin 00 Prologue

24th March 2014:
Hey there, I'm here for our swap :D.

I really loved this, partially stemming from my passion for all things concerning viruses, infection, or pandemics. What's more is that this particular virus seems to enable the hosts to harness magical abilities, which is absolutely fabulous.

Cassandra's definitely an interesting character. I like her clinical indifference towards the test subjects, distancing herself from feeling disturbed that all three died as a result of the virus' malfunction. There's something about her that fascinates me, it could be the morbid feel to the story complete with her pristine lab coat and pink heels. I also love her meticulousness, as it compliments her occupation as a scientist.

The director's goal of taking Harry Potter's magic from him is definitely a unique and original idea, and I like it a bunch. I'm definitely interested in learning about how Harry destroyed 'everything he loved' and how he plans on taking Harry's magic from him.

I'm also interested in seeing more of Cassandra, because (so far) I've found her characterization extremely appealing.

Anyway, fantastic job!

-Rumpel

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Review #9, by marauderfan 02 Cassandra's Gift

23rd March 2014:
Lol at Ron snoring like an angry bear. Ack, it's funny but it's distracing me from the fact that I NEED TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED and who died in the last chapter!! The suspense is killing me.

ok, I know I shouldn't find this so amusing because I'm about to find out unpleasant news about who died but I love Sir Podmore. Can he be included in every chapter? I love that he finds Harry dull, and that he is kind of a nobody but has a really high opinion of himself and points out that his friends are important knights of the Round Table. Hahaha... ok. I'm getting so sidetracked. I apologise for my attention span.

I love how the Muggle police force works together with the Aurors, that's quite cool. Also, I'm glad Harry made it his personal mission to track down Dolohov, after everything he did. Teddy and Andromeda would certainly have some peace. Also, I'm glad Harry visits Dudley and that they don't hate each other anymore. You are really enjoying making me wait to find out what happened though :p

Nooo! Ahh, I was worried it would be Lorcan, :( I can't believe Lorcan died, and ugh what a ghastly way to go. Poor guy. And Hugo a test subject... this story is so intense gahh! Sorry about my incoherent rambling - anyway this was a great chapter and I am sitting on the edge of my seat waiting for more.

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Review #10, by marauderfan 01 For Crown and Country

23rd March 2014:
Eep, I thought I had reviewed this ages ago when I read it! Fail. But anyway. I loved the beginming section with Ron and Hermione. They are adorable together, and Hugo was hilarious :p Hermione does have a point though, they've had a long time of fighting dark wizards, especially since they started at 11! I would imagine that sort of a job ages them a lot.

ooh, this school is really mysterious. Its a nice idea certainly, but suspicious since the Ministry doesn't know about it. What are they actually doing there, when people think they are teaching? Why do they order executions for people? Does this have anything to do with that virus from the prologue? Eeek

THAT BODY HAD BETTER NOT BE HUGO. OR LORCAN. But something tells me it is one of them, given the previous section about people telling and breaking the secrecy. Aaa! Awesome chapter, I'm off to read the next chapter (and hopefully my review for that will be more coherent than this one haha)

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Review #11, by kenpo 01 For Crown and Country

17th March 2014:
Alright, so I've typed out a review for this three or four times, and then I submit it, but my computer apparently hates your story because the next time I got to check for author responses... NOPE!

This time, I'm going to be smart and copy the review so that I don't have to remember everything that I wanted to say!!

I like the way that you've developed the characters. Ron still seems like Ron, but he's not the same Ron from the books. Which makes sense, because he's not 16 any more.

I love that you're giving Hugo attention. So often he (and Louis, I think) are the forgotten next-geners. So... I like that you're making good use of him!!

At this point (after reading it through so many times to remind myself about what's happened), I think I'm pretty clear on the plot, but I do remember being pretty confused the first time I read it. Since I can see that the vagueness and slightly confusion is part of the reading experience, my only suggestion would be to make it less sectioned. Jumping back and forth between Ron and everything else just made it a little... confusing.

I like Rose's character. I think it's sweet that she's worried about her brother.

I think that you provided enough description without it being over-done. I have a sense of setting without having to read a million lines of description.

I'm really interested in this school.

I'm really really curious to see exactly what's going on and how Hugo will fit into all of this. I'm guessing Harry and Ron won't be able to retire for some time, eh ;)

Again, sorry for the disaster that is this review and the amount of times you've probably gotten annoyed with me over it. :(

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Review #12, by anythingcouldhappen 00 Prologue

19th February 2014:
Hi! I'm here with your requested review.

Unfortunately, I don't have much in terms of CC for you. I know how disappointed you must be! In all seriousness, this was a great beginning! It made me so curious, which in my opinion is what every prologue should do.

Who is the mysterious man? What did Harry take from him? How can Cassandra be so heartless as she watches people die? How exactly was the "virus" (magic, I presume?) successfully given to the initial subjects? And, of course, how is the man planning on taking Harry's magic?!

These are all questions this prologue raised for me, and I they are fabulous questions to start a story with. By involving muggles in this, you just open up a whole other dimension to magic and what it is, and I look forward to seeing how it all plays out! There are sooo many interesting ways I'm sure you could take this story and its characters. I can't wait to find out the answers to those questions!

And your writing is all very good. No grammar issues I can spot, or awkward sentences or anything. Everything flows beautifully!

It seems like you have a great and unique story on your hands! Sorry I couldn't offer you any CC! :)

Sam

Author's Response: Heya, so sorry for the late review response. But I'm here now. :)

Haha, I've been very slowly editing the chapters from other CC people have given me and my other BETA reader. So I'm glad you didn't find any CC for me. I'm glad you liked the beginning!

Ah, the mysterious man! He's my secret card, hahaha and eventually you'll learn who he is and why he's after Harry and his 'precious' magic.

This is the future and in the future everything happens, including muggles investigating magic! I'm glad, however, that the prologue did its work because that's what I intended to do. To hook people and keep them throughout the whole ride! XD

Thank you for your kind review! I appreciate your time!

--Rosie


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Review #13, by kenpo 00 Prologue

18th February 2014:
OH MY GOSH I CAN'T BELIEVE I'VE LET YOUR REVIEW REQUEST GO FOR SO LONG.

SORRY SORRY SORRY!!!

Alright. I'll be listening to the song while I read.

OOoooOO. Very interesting.

Hm.

I'll be leaving a more detailed review on the second chapter, but there are some things that I'd like to say about this one.

Firstly, I'm a huge fan of the "short first chapter" thing. I think it's nice to sort of provide the reader with a "sample" sort of thing. As much as I don't want to admit it, if I'm trying out a new story and the first chapter is really long, it's easy for it to seem more like a chore than a story I want to read.

So... I like that your first chapter is short.

I'm also a fan of vague first chapters!! I think you've done that well here. I'm not completely confused, but I also don't already know what's going to happen next.

The way that the people died is horrific. Urgh. Is the virus magic? If so, it's interesting that they consider it a virus.

So, overall, I really like this as a first chapter. Like I said, my review on the next chapter will be more in-depth:).

Thanks for requesting and sorry for the delay
-kenpo

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Review #14, by adluvshp 01 For Crown and Country

18th February 2014:
Hey! Here for your requested review from the forums =)

I think this was a very interesting chapter. It had its dark and light parts and I loved how it was all put together. The characters were awesome - I enjoyed reading Ron, Hermione, Harry, Hugo, and Rose. I think you've portrayed them all very well. Over all, the entire family atmosphere etc. was done very nicely and it gave me a warm relatable kind of feeling which was nice.

The Brigadier and Major are also characterised very interestingly and I am intrigued to know more about them. This school of theirs is actually quite interesting though it seems to be illegal. I think its a good idea but at the same time they might be planning to do something else with the kids (like raise them like an army against someone etc. or something of that sort) which would be bad. Having Lorcan work there was a nice touch and him confiding in Hugo was a good way to incorporate them in the story.

I also loved how you kept the kidnapping so obscure by not describing the whole action and stuff. The ending scene was wonderfully done with the police. I am very curious to know who is the victim, and hope it's not poor Hugo. I am also very curious to know more about the school. An interesting line that stuck out to me was "And now they're the ones who're ending up on our streets." It seems like a foreshadowing of sorts - it gives an ominous spirit to the whole scene - like something bigger is happening, that some sinister people are at work who're bent on killing wizards and they might just not be wizards themselves. It's all very complex and fun to read!

As for CC, I really don't have any. Perhaps more description would have been nice for the kidnapping and stuff, but at the same time, the vagueness also keeps one in suspense, so that might not be an issue at all. The entire piece flowed smoothly despite having so many different scenes so that's good. The characterisations, as I said previously, you have nailed them. And the plot and pace is smooth and going well.

All in all, I really liked the chapter and I'm excited to read on so please do re-request when you update! Great job!

10/10
Cheers,
AD
(AditiDraco95)

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Review #15, by Infinityx 01 For Crown and Country

17th February 2014:
Hi again! I'm baack!
This is quite a long chapter and I'll try to do justice to it in my review. :)

This was a brilliant start to the story. The prologue leaves the reader hanging with so many questions and suspense, eager to know what's happening. I love the way you've written this as it feels like I'm reading an actual book. In a lot of stories, the first chapter is written as a continuation of the prologue which is a bit weird because then it doesn't have to be called a prologue. (I don't know if that makes sense. :P) Anyway, the point is that I love how the view has shifted when this chapter begins.

The opening scene between Ron and Hermione is so cute! I love how you've managed to give some details about them without stating them plainly. For instance, "I've only been in the force for about thirty years..." This was such a wonderful way of indicating the age group that they're in. It was such a pleasant surprise as well because this is only the second story that I'm reading with them in that age category!

Ron tried his best to not start giggling like a silly school girl... This line instantly made me smile. It's so cute to read about how smitten they are with each other even after so many years of marriage. And then that moment when Hugo walks in is just hilarious!

For the sake of peace and tranquility in their world, perhaps retirement wasn't a good idea. Ron seems to be so much more mature now. I guess growing up does that to you. The war also seems to have made quite a large impact on him. I like the way you've characterized him here. All the events of the war have led to him feeling responsible for the safety of the wizarding world. The way he feels like no one else can be trusted to take up that burden is something I can relate to, and I think it's been very well written. :)

Hahah, it's so like Hermione and Ginny to plot with each other about making Ron and Harry retire. The added pressure and having a person in the same situation is quite a good tactic. That way neither of the men would be able to use the other as a reason for remaining in the force for longer. :D

Regina is such a beautiful name! The way you've described her immediately made me imagine the way she looks, and I love the way your words bring about that visual impact. I also love how you've given details about the case that Ron has to finish the paperwork for. It doesn't seem like something central to the plot (or is it?) and I like how you've fitted that in. It makes me connect to Ron's life even more.

This academy gives me a feeling of foreboding. I'm so intrigued. The plot just keeps getting better and better and the element of mystery is constant throughout. You've written it beautifully, with just the right amount of balance and smooth transitions between the scenes. I love how the story flows so effortlessly. It kind of makes me think of a Dan Brown novel. :)

Oh my! Lorcan got to know the truth! Hugo's pulled into the whole scheme! Okay, I'm biting my nails here. I hope nothing happens to Hugo!

making fun of his sister and of her dear Scorpio
You've typed Scorpio instead of Scorpius.

I think you've done a great job at characterizing Ron and Hermione. There's just the right amount of worry, anger and frustration when Hugo doesn't turn up. And I think it's perfect because it would be odd if they worry too much since he's not a kid anymore.

I love how you've characterized Rose. Her concern for her brother is so sweet. No matter how old he's grown, he'll still be her 'little' brother, and that's something which I think is a wonderful detail. I have a younger brother myself, so I can totally relate to that. I also like how you've added that little detail about Scorpius not being fond of muggle technology. Once again, it's not a vital detail to the story, but the effort you've taken to add it in is a brilliant touch as it makes things so much more realistic.

Oh, wow. I sure hope that isn't Hugo's body that turned up! Also, it seems like those people are muggles since they're referred to as 'Sergeant' and 'detective'. These muggles are getting in contact with Harry and Ron who are wizards. I'm extremely curious about this setting. It seems like quite a few muggles know about the existence of magic, or is it just a select few? A little more background on that situation would help understand the setting better, since a major part of the plot seems to consist of this academy that's trying to integrate wizards and muggles. There are a lot of questions that spring up and the curiosity just keeps building.

I don't have any CC as such, just the confusion about the setting which I suppose will be answered as the story proceeds. I can't wait to read more! Excellent chapter. :)

~Erin

Author's Response: Heya!! So here I am with your review response!! Woot!

I know what you mean. Some prologues definitely just jump into chapter one and it doesn't make sense to call it "prologue". The prologue here is definitely a prologue in its meaning.

Ron and Hermione are definitely comfortable with each other. They're both mature and more comfortable with each other. In a sense, they know what makes them mad, makes them irk, and makes them happy. Also, if I remember my notes correctly (I could be totally wrong here) I believe they're turning 50 here. So they're kinda old. When it comes to the age, I was inspired by Dan's Conspiracy of Blood. Putting the trio in that age group brings all kinds of possibilities.

These moments I actually took from myself and my husband. Hahaha. I have a bit of a Ron personality while he's like Hermione so I can easily balance their feelings and personalities.

Ron by this point is definitely more mature than the last time we saw him in Deathly Hallows. Some people keep writing him with the same teenager personality when he's older. I don't believe he would've stayed the same. We all grow up; we all mature. It was only a matter of time for Ron. The war and Fred's death were definitely a huge factor.

Ginny and Hermione are DEFINITELY going with that route. Haha.

Hugo definitely knows the truth now. Well...he knows as much as Lorcan does. And Lorcan doesn't really know much either. Hahaha.

Thank you for the typo! I went ahead and changed it already!

I have a younger sister who is in her 20s. No matter how old she is, how independent she may be...she'll always be my little sister. Haha, so Rose's emotions here are something every older sibling would really feel. I'm trying to make this story move a bit slow...don't want to rush ino things. So some details are not really necessary but are just a nice touch to give the story line a nice round feeling.

Ah! Those are definitely muggle policemen. How do they know Harry and Ron? How much do they know? That, my dearie, you'll find out soon enough! I'm not giving you AAAL my secrets yet! hahaha! XD

Thank you for your kind review!! If you ever want to leave long reviews please go ahead! I love to read those!!

--Rosie


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Review #16, by MC_HK 00 Prologue

16th February 2014:
Hi! Here with your requested review!

This is really intriguing, because I am currently writing a virus story as well! Haha, great minds think alike. Anyways, to your review.

You have an interesting plot here. I definitely appreciate what you're doing with your characters. Who is the director? What exactly are these people trying to accomplish? Where do they work and who do they work for? All questions that keep me wanting more.

Your style of writing is awesome. It's very easy to read, and the flow was very smooth.

Your characters have very distinct personalities, and I enjoy the science brain of your MC. She's fun to read, especially because I have a science brain too :)

The only thing that kind of bothered me was how you weren't saying her name until the end of the chapter. This is really nitpick and I understand you're doing it for mystery, but it was something that really stood out to me. You say 'she' so often and use it to start so many sentences that it almost becomes monotonous. Again, this is just something I tried really hard to find and can totally be ignored.

All in all I say this was an awesome start. And I can't wait to see what happens next.

--Monica

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Review #17, by Unwritten Curse 01 For Crown and Country

15th February 2014:
Okay, since this is a longer chapter I sincerely hope that I get everything into this review that went through my mind while reading. My memory is terrible, so forgive me if I skip sections entirely!

First, I like that this chapter changes perspectives frequently. Like I said, it's a long chapter (which usually turns me off) but because it's split up, it didn't feel so long while reading. Plus I enjoyed each unique perspective and it makes me curious to see how they will all connect. So much is going on and it's only chapter two!

I love the notion that Ginny and Hermione are conspiring to get their husbands to retire. It makes absolute sense to me, because even though they're still relatively young, they have a very dangerous job that is probably more suited for younger, more sprightly people. Like Hunter (who totally cracked me up).

I'm curious about the school that teaches Muggleborns magic. It sounds awfully corrupt, seeing as its not recognized as a legitimate school. I'm worried about Hugo going off to explore it. I'm super concerned that he's the body they found at the end, but I'm probably just being paranoid.

Once again, your writing is great. It's clean and sophisticated. You also remain true to the characters. I especially enjoyed Rose's concern for her brother. That was a sweet moment. You have managed to bring these characters to life for me--the fact that I'm nervous for Hugo makes me want to read on.

I have no more CC for you, unfortunately. (do work on that brevity--this is such a great story but I wonder if potential readers feel daunted by the large chunks of description/development) Thanks for offering to do a Review Swap. I've really enjoyed this story!

-- Gina

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Review #18, by Unwritten Curse 00 Prologue

15th February 2014:
Hi there!

So this prologue started a bit slow, but once Cassandra got to the Director's office, I couldn't peel my eyes from the screen. I have so many questions, some of which are:

Who is the director? (Is it Draco? I hope it's Draco!)
How is Cassandra involved in this? (I'm so intrigued by the notion of a Muggle being recruited to work with wizards--some sort of law had to have been broken here!)
Who are those poor people who died?!
HOW IS HE GOING TO TAKE HARRY'S MAGIC?

Your writing is very nicely crafted. You clearly know what you're doing! I didn't notice any grammar mistakes or awkward wording, which was appreciated. Parts moved a bit slowly, however (as I mentioned previously), and I have to admit to some skimming. Something you can work on is brevity; some of your language can be slimmed down to the essentials. Being concise will speed up the story while still including all the great information that you've given us.

Overall, I think this is a great prologue. The situation is really creative and intriguing. The fact that I have so many questions right off the bat is a huge compliment to your writing ability!

On to chapter two!

-- Gina

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Review #19, by Infinityx 00 Prologue

15th February 2014:
Hi there! I'm here for your requested review!

This was such a fascinating start to the story! It's so different from anything I've read before and I think so far, it's absolutely brilliant.

I love the way you've started the prologue off. The very first line Her hot pink heels clucked... made me think of a character similar to the role that Reese Witherspoon plays in Legally Blonde. :D Someone who's really attractive and pays a lot of attention to what she's wearing but is also smart and ingenious in her own way.

She never bothered to learn their names; they were test subjects not people she was going to have over for tea. She did, nonetheless, appreciate their sacrifice for they had died for the sake of science. Something she could only hope for in the end of her own life.
Sorry for the long quote, but I love the way you've written these lines. They're so descriptive and reveal so much about her personality. There's that subtle indication of her having some humane feelings towards the people, but her devotion to science is more powerful, and that's what matters more to her. I'm really intrigued about what this virus does. I love how you've maintained that mystery here in the prologue. While I know that the subjects died, there's nothing about how or why the burns were caused, or why they're conducting these experiments in the first place.

All the small details that you've mentioned in this chapter are brilliant. For instance, Cassandra's ritual before entering the Director's office was a nice touch. It gives a hint about the Director's personality as well as helps the reader connect some more to Cassandra's character and her thoughts. You've done a great job at depicting how terrified she is of him and it's as though that feeling is emanated from the screen while I read. The sentences convey some simple acts of hers, but are extremely powerful.

Oooh, Cassandra's a muggle scientist and the director is a wizard! How exciting! And she knows about his magic as well! This makes the story all the more interesting! I can't help but wonder why this wizard wants to experiment with viruses in a muggle lab.

There's one sentence - I'm glad you're here to be honest. I read this line about five times wondering what he's referring to, why he thinks she's about to be honest about something. Then I realized that he wasn't talking about her honesty, but his honesty of being glad to see her. There's a comma missing between here and to, and that completely changes the meaning of the sentence. I suggest that when you post something up, to go through it once again yourself, or have a beta do it for you to check for such mistakes as they interrupt the flow of the chapter.

she has managed to levitate her own soft toy towards her. OHMYGOSH. Are they trying to transfer magic to a muggle or something?! I can't wait to see how you explain that! A virus that can transfer magic? A RECOMBINANT DNA CONTAINING THE MAGIC GENE? (okay that's my inner nerd, and I'm really excited now!) Wow, I can't wait to find out!

And who's this mystery character? I love how you've refrained from mentioning his name. The mystery just makes this story so intriguing! I wonder what he has against Harry. Maybe he's a former DE? But why would a DE work with muggles? That would be weird.
he was once a happy child from a happy family.
MAYBE HE'S THE SON OF A DEATH EATER THAT HARRY PUT BEHIND BARS! Okay my mind is whirring with possibilities and I can't wait to find out what's happening!

Sorry for all the rambling. :D

I'm definitely going to read on! I'm so glad you requested a review in my thread. This was such a wonderful start to what I know will be an amazing story. Excellent job! Keep writing and good luck! I'm looking forward to the next chapters. :)

~Erin

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Review #20, by Penelope Inkwell 01 For Crown and Country

12th February 2014:
Pere. Landra. Or is it Remus? Perry?

Either way, names aside, can we just talk about how excited I am for this chapter?! Like, your first one was good--I told you that I liked it. But the execution of this one was on a whole different level! Leaps and bounds. The writing just flowed. The characters were adorable. I laughed, I tapped my fingers with nervousness...I may have gasped, at one point, in surprise. As I write this, there is a huge smile on my face. I really loved it. I really, really did.

Hermione and Ron are adorable. It’s just how I’d hope to see them years down the line.

And this quote: “I wouldn’t think of Quirrell as a dark wizard per se.” Bahahahaha!

Also, Hugo barging in on his parents was hilarious. And I love the idea of him and Rose being “partners in crime”. So many fics portray them perpetually-fighting siblings practically annoyed by the other’s existence, so I really like seeing this, for a change.

Seeing Harry and Ron interact was great, too. Something about the way it was written just warmed my heart. And I love the idea of Hermione and Ginny scheming to get the guys to retire.

Love that Kingsley’s daughter is named Regina. Keep the whole regal-names thing running into the next generation.

Also, can I just say that, despite the fact that this one is apparently evil, a primary school for Muggleborns is kind of a brilliant idea? Or at least maybe a tutor could be hired out. Like, the children who grow up in wizarding families have a huge advantage. And is no one worried about how these kids must feel when weird things are always happening around them and they have no explanation? This should actually be a thing--an option, at the very least.

And Hugo? Trapped in the car? My heart! Honestly, that was scary. I am concerned. (For Lorcan, too, but I haven’t met him yet). Hugo! Be so careful!

The Muggle police are in contact with the Auror Department?! I did not see that coming, but I really like it. And their describing skirmishes between wizards as gang violence? I like it! I suppose that is how it would look, isn’t it?

CC:

Okay, you know I’m nitpicky. Like, terrifyingly so. But you can rest assured that nearly every nit has now been picked. These are all really minor details, but I know I’d want to know about them, so I went ahead and made note.

"do things we actually want to do instead of raising children and work.”--The word “actually” here makes it sound a little harsh. Like raising children was some horrible burden on Hermione. That said, the dramatic phrasing can just as easily be taken as humor, and I found it kind of amusing. But I just thought I’d point it out as something to consider.

"like a silly school girl/giddy schoolgirl smile”
--the adjective ‘schoolgirl’ is used twice in the same paragraph, so you may want to switch it up a bit.

"Bloke's day he called it.”
--should be, “’Bloke’s day’, he called it.” Since it’s a quote, it should have the single apostrophe quotation marks added in.

“Don’t worry mum,”/‘Well mum, I’m in a bit of a fix/dad, I’m worried about him,/“Good night, dad.”
--When being used to address those people, words like “Mum” and “Dad”, have to be capitalized.

"dear Scorpio”
--Scorpius

"Specially the one that still hurt.”
--Should be “Especially”. The word “specially” has a slightly different meaning, and while changing spellings like that works well in dialogue, it might be distracting since this is internal narration.

"Ron wondered if he was ever like that when he started as well.”
--the word “ever” doesn’t really need to be there.

"Ron took a quick look around the office and it down on him that the place hadn’t changed at all.”
-- “dawned” on him got misspelled, I think. (I do that ALL the time. The people who read the queue are probably exhausted by how many times I’ve sent my chapters back in because I’ve noticed things like that).

"With Kinglsey as her father and Portia, a retired Quidditch player, it was no wonder she had aced all the preliminary tests.” --I think the phrase, “as her mother,” should probably follow the word “player”.

Young Aurors who might be be able to hand the job...
--“hand” = “handle”?

"your mum will not let him sly his way out of this one.”
--Sly isn’t really a verb. Slither, maybe?

william Braxton
--Capitalization of William

"Miller dug through his pockets and found a wad of napkins he had mindlessly stuffed in his trousers when he was helping his son.”
--Helping his son? I’m not sure what that means. Helping his infant son to eat, maybe? Unless it’s relevant information for later, like he cares for a son whose handicapped and we meet him in the story, or something like that, I’d just cut the extra detail. It’s not unreasonable that a man would keep napkins in his pockets just because.


Okay, that was a lot, I know. And, yeah. I’m a grammar nazi. "’Tis a truth universally acknowledged," and all that. But really, this chapter is so good. I’m really eager to see where you’re going with this! And you should be proud of yourself, because your writing in this installment was great. I’m excited about it, and about your story! So many details that I loved.

I’ll be looking forward to your next update! The suspense is killing me. Really good work!

--Penny

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Review #21, by Aphoride 00 Prologue

12th February 2014:
Hey there - stopping by for our review swap! :) I have to admit that I checked out the link you posted before signing up and when I saw the premise of this, and the summary, I just had to drop by!

So I love the premise of this - it's such a fascinating idea! I'm so curious about where you'll take this - what will happen, will the 'Director', whoever he is, succeed, will we find out who he is... gah, so many questions, and it's only the first chapter! :)

It was short, but I don't think that's a bad thing, at all! I think that it works so well as a prologue - just enough titbits of information in there to make the reader desperately curious about what's going to happen, and the cliffhanger at the end: wow! Just wow!

I like the characters you've created so far, as well. I hope we see more of them in the future of the story, but I like how Cassandra is, while clearly horrible, not totally evil, you know? Like she has the ability to feel emotion and such, and sort of has to remind herself that they're only test subjects, nothing more. The Director... well, I love how you've been so careful with giving away details about him! It's really making me so curious as to who he is. I really love how he's so determined to get revenge on Harry he's resorted to using muggles and muggle equipment and methods and things to do it. Kinda shows how desperate he is for revenge, you know? That is, if he is a pureblood. I thought so since Harry took everything away from him, but hm... maybe not... I dunno! ;)

Your writing, as well, is lovely. Your description is great and the flow is really, really smoothed. I really loved your details, as well, how you put them all in without overloading this with too many. It was just the little things: Cassandra's habit of rearranging clothing before going to see her boss, the blood on her coat, the factual details about calling the lawyers and suchlike things... it was all so good and so well thought out!

So yeah, I really enjoyed reading this! :) Thanks so much for the swap - it was great!

Aph xx

Author's Response: Hello! So sorry for taking over a month to give you a response! Ugh, I'm terrible at this but at least I finally got here.

Ah, the Director! Poor guy! Hahaha you'll find out eventually who he is and why he hates Harry. There's a reason behind his hatred of Harry. Is he a death eater? Perhaps! But maybe not. You'll see!

I wanted the prologue to be a quick taste of what is happening. To give the reader a glimpse of what it's happening. Prologues are supposed to be quick and with tidbits of information and most importantly, they make the reader want to come back for more! I'm glad I achieved that here!

Cassandra is not evil, just a little twisted. She's obsessed with certain things, very ambitious. If she had gone to Hogwarts, she would've ended up in Slytherin house. You'll get to find out about her soon and you'll eventually get to see her again pretty soon.

I'm glad you liked my writing!! I'm a detailed oriented person and sometimes I think I make chapters TO detailed you know! I'm glad that this was balanced enough.

Thank you for doing the review swap with me Aph! I really appreciate it!

Until next time!

--Rosie


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Review #22, by lindslo2012 00 Prologue

6th February 2014:
This story has been on my reading list for a bit!
I love how unique it is and the title struck me from the start! I feel so bad for whomever was a test subject and died.. and for the innocent baby who had the virus. :(
It is very good so far just from the prologue and I will defidently read on.. I REALLY like how different it is from other fics!!
-Linds

Author's Response: Heya! Sorry for the late reply but I'm here! Thank you for your kind words. The baby is definitely innocent here but also out of any real danger. I mean...the most that could happen to her in the future is failing Potions. Thank you for your review and for doing the review swap with me!

--Rosie


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Review #23, by marauderfan 00 Prologue

5th February 2014:
For our review swap!

ok, first of all, favourited this. It is an awesome start - as a scientist myself its cool to see science show up in fic especially where it meets magic. What are these crazy experiments? Are they trying to figure out how to create or destroy magic?! I am so curious!

I also really like the way you've set up this mystery in the first chapter. So far it seems as if Cassandra is a muggle, and although she knows about magic she doesn't understand it. I do like how you've developed her as a character in this short chapter though. And your attention to detail in your descriptions is wonderful anf very vivid.

What did Harry do to the man? Or, as I feel this is a more important question, who exactly is that man? A death eater, I assume... And I wonder how he plans to take Harry's magic away. (Heh, I'm imagining it to be a lot like the last episode of Avatar the Last Airbender. I hope you've seen that otherwise just ignore my rambly aside haha.) Anyway, this prologue raises so many questions and I'm excited to keep reading!!

Author's Response: Heya! Blah! So sorry for the super late response! :D

Yay! You favourited this? That makes me so happy!! That's just as awesome as getting reviews.

As a non-scientist who managed to please a scientists I'm pleased that this sparked your interest! Ah, the crazy experiments are going to get crazier from here on out. ARE they trying to destroy magic? Perhaps...and perhaps they ARE also trying to create it. Confused? Good! *evil laugh*

Cassandra is indeed a muggle that knows about magic. However she still doesn't understand how it works and that's her goal in life.

*le gasp* I can't tell you all my secrets! Haha. You'll find out who the Director is and why he hates Harry. This is a man who lost everything and thinks he's been wronged in life. And yes, I do know of Avatar The Last Airbender! Love that show!

Anyway! If you stick with this fic! You'll find out what happens! :D

Thank you so much for your review!

--Rosie


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Review #24, by adluvshp 00 Prologue

3rd February 2014:
Hey! Here for your requested review from the forums!

First off, wow! I love your plot! I think it's very interesting and unique, and I am excited to see how the plot develops and how things move further. This "director" seems to be an interesting person and I am pretty curious to see his "background" and what he's going to do and such.

I think this was a great start to the story and you definitely nailed the prologue as it did exactly what its supposed to do - spark interest in the reader.

I don't have any CC for you except to perhaps watch out for your grammar a bit - it's nothing too bad, just a few words or phrases that are off sounding here and there which a quick re-read can easily fix. But apart from that, this was a very nice and intriguing read and it looks like a brilliant story.

I am adding the story to my favourites as I'd like to keep reading on =) Feel fee to re-request for a review!

Great job! Good luck for the story!
10/10
Cheers!
AD
(AditiDraco95)

Author's Response: Heya! Thank you so much for dropping by!

I'm glad you liked the plot and for adding it to your favorites! :D

The Director is going to be fun and I hope people will understand him in the end and try to not "judge" him too harshly. Hahaha. His background is kind of interesting and tragic at the same time. You'll see soon enough though!

I'll do another re-read before posting another chapter. Thank you so much for your review and the CC.

--Rosie


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Review #25, by Penelope Inkwell 00 Prologue

1st February 2014:
Hey, Penelope Inkwell here for your review swap :)

So, this is a really intriguing prologue. The first few paragraphs, I’m already wondering what on earth this “experiment” could be. It’s got to be a big deal--human lives being lost here!

Also, what is up with her compact mirror? First off, that super snazzy and I want one. Second, why does she need to hide her phone and her tablet in mirror form? Why the secrecy? Is this a legal operation? I’m beginning to have my doubts.

And then, there’s the Director, who is all kinds of creepy. Maybe because he doesn’t really bat an eye at the fact that people have just died. Of course, neither does Cassandra, and while her calmness about the whole thing is rather worrying in of itself, she doesn’t creep me out to the same level as her boss does. Even before the whole, “I’m going to take revenge on Harry Potter” thing.

Speaking of which, WHAT?! Oh my gosh, where on earth can THAT be going? I am all sorts of curious. And who is this, anyway? Whose life did Harry ruin who would go to such extremes?

I think you do a very strong job with description. You give little detail words, like the mention of Cassandra’s pink heels, that give us clues to the environment without it being overwrought with descriptive elements.

Also, that image of her going into her boss’ office with bloodstains on her coat is a good one. Made all the better by the fact that she’s not at all worried about the fact that it is the blood of people who’ve just died horrible deaths, but she doesn’t care to appear unkempt. What is UP with this chick, anyway? What is going on with this whole place?

Also, what is this experiment for? Children are levitating things? OHMYGRACIOUS, are they trying to give Muggles magic through science? I hope that is what’s going on, because that would be SUCH A COOL STORY CONCEPT I CAN’T EVEN.

But if that’s not what’s going on, this is obviously going to be a very interesting story anyways. Good job with plot and general set up. I am definitely intrigued.

CC:

Everything here is less “criticism” than it is suggestions of how to polish things up a bit, because I’m a firm believer that good things can always be improved. But these are just suggestions, and I definitely don’t know it all when it comes to these things.

Okay, I think it would good for you to have an opening hook. This story is packed so full of interesting mysteries, it would be great if you could make readers curious right from the first sentence. Maybe, “Scanning through the files, Cassandra couldn’t understand what medical anomaly had left her with so much extra paperwork, and a roomful of lifeless bodies, burnt to a crisp.” Or something to that effect.

Apart from that, there are just some cuts that would make things smoother, or spelling/grammar things. The biggest thing is that it needs a lot more commas, but I won’t go into that.

As specific suggestions go, when you say, "The experiment had failed despite the high probability they had of success,” the sentence would be smoother if you removed “they had”.

“The subjects began to show signs of their bodies not able to withstand the virus”--This could be a bit smoother, as well, if you just add a couple words in. So, “The subjects began to show signs that their bodies were failing, unable to withstand the virus.”

In "no strands of her dark hair were lose”, lose should be “loose”. Ugh, lose vs. loose--I always have to check that one in my writing. It’s so tricky!

When you say “patching” I think you mean “matching".

In, "every part we had touched the pores began to seep with blood,” it might be better to say “everywhere we touched them, their pores began to...”

Perhaps consider writing the experiments out in actual numbers, 0253 and 038. It would be a bit easier to follow, and usually large numbers like that are written in digit form. Plus, it looks very medical and scientific that way.

Where you say, "the director bared no love for politicians,” “bore” is the past tense of that form of the verb “bear”.

At, "merely a normal procedure,”, “standard” procedure might sound a bit more official.

So, I’m super picky and a bit of a grammar nazi, but I think you’ve got a very good start, here. There are a few mechanical things, but those are the easiest bits to fix. If someone has a poor plot, well, that’s a big problem, but you’ve got the beginnings of a really GREAT plot. Like, I am so interested in what is going on here. So, I know I write a lot of CC things, but that’s only because I liked the story enough that I really wanted to spend time thinking about it. But nice work, seriously. :D

Thanks for the swap.

--Penny

P.S. But what is this experiment though? I really want to know. ;)

Author's Response: Hola!

First of, thank you for your review! I've already edited what you have pointed out. I need to re-read this chapter and see what else I can fix.

That being said, I shall now address your other questions/comments.

This is set way in the future, so technology has advanced. Her tablet is holographic and it's also a cellphone. Today's cell/mobile/tablet combination is rather large...I mean, I've seen some that are bigger than my hand! So I figured that in the future, they will some how make them smaller and more compact. So her mobile/tablet looks like a small mirror.

The Director has gone through horrible things in his life that has left him a bit scarred. Knowing that some people have died is nothing to him. That's all I'm saying about Mr. Director!! :D

Cassandra right now is a very intriguing character for me. She's on the fence on where I want to take her. I have fascinating scenarios for her but in the end I hope that people will still find her interesting.

Ah, the experiments. You'll get to find out more in the future. But yes, they are trying to give children magic through science. How? You'll see! But the most important question here is "Why?"

Anyway!! I'm glad that you liked this story!! I'm super excited to show people this story. I have most of it planned in my head...I just need to sit down and write it! :D

Thank you so much for the review swap!

--Rosie


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