WOW.This is so haunting!
I love it the way you've got a completely original relationship, a bromance, and then used two completely awesome characters and transformed it in to a completely awesome and fambubblybumshus story.
I love the way you portray Percy too, not just the stereotypical swot, you added a lot of depth and you've certainly changed my perception on that character.
Now every time I look at Benedict I'm going to think of Percy ;)
“I’m not gay,” Oliver protested, lately that seemed to fall all on deaf ears." That quote is so so so awesome - I was really laughing my head off until I was making a squeaky sound.
There are so many emotions wrapped up in this piece, it's just so awesome ;) Report Review
Hey there! Sorry for the delay on your request, but here I am!
So I'm going to start with the concern you asked me to look at - which was flow. All in all, it was very fast paced. I know it was a one-shot and it's not supposed to be overly long, but I feel like each of the sections could have been bulked up a little bit, maybe with more narration/description or just a few more scenes to properly convey the relationship between Percy and Oliver. Not just that, but I feel like there wasn't a lot of opportunity for the reader to get acquainted with the characters. I personally felt like I was thrust right into the thick of it without really knowing what direction I was supposed to be headed in, if that makes any sense. However, at the same time, I think you did a really great job with some of the moments in which we see the pair of them interacting together - I particularly enjoyed the segment where Percy wants Oliver to punch him in the face, lol.
Talking of Percy and Oliver, I never really got a sense of romance or even attraction for either of the two parties, which I was expecting after that really good opening segment where Oliver is grieving over Percy's death. Like I said, each of the sections could use a little bulking up if only because it needs more substance to make the relationship between them believable. I do think I got a better sense of Percy's character than I did Oliver's, but that might be because I'm familiar with BBC's Sherlock and know the type of character you were going for. All the same, you did a good job with Percy's character, even if I personally didn't quite understand his motivation for leaving the Ministry and pursuing a career in the Muggle world. Still, you did a good job with that.
There are a few grammatical errors in this piece, nothing that a quick read-through or maybe even a beta reader couldn't fix. Such as:
You don’t use magic?’
It makes it less fun.
“That’s amazing Percy.”
Each line should have quotations around it.
Also, there were a few moments where the tense and POV was switched. I don't know if it was intentional or not, but it was confusing. One such moment is this:
The bed is cold, and the house is silent. But still at the dead of night, he can hear you talking.
I don't know who the 'he' and the 'you' are in this situation. It was unclear and made the ending a lot less emotionally impacting than it could have been.
All in all, though, this was a good piece. I'd merely suggest beefing it up a little bit and fleshing out the characters as well as the romance so it doesn't feel so forced. Also, giving it a quick read-through to look for those pesky errors that escape even the best of us.
- MollyAuthor's Response: Thanks, at some point I'm going to go back through this. When I was writing it, it just sort of came out and then I was so excited at writing my second slash that I just threw it in the queue.
Thank you so much for such a through review, and I'm glad you liked it. :) Report Review
asdfghjkl;'! are you trying to kill me! You just HAD to give me Sherlock feels in The Ponds Leaving week! That is double the amount of feels that any one person should ever have to deal with! WHY! WHY! WHY! I just have to say that I took a sharp breath in when I saw the words: The Reichenbach Fall.
I liked how you still managed to keep Percy in character because he's still obsessed with his job (I can't comment much on Oliver because I don't know that much about him).
That being said, I feel as though the pace of this story was really fast. I understand that things will fast-paced living with Sherlock!Percy and with you trying to fit two seasons of Sherlock into one one-shot but maybe you could elaborate on things more. There were also a few grammatical errors: spelling mistakes, missing quotation marks, things that you could pick up easily with another quick read through. For example:
"Get. Rid. Of. That. Ridiculas. Cane." shouldn't it be Get. Rid. Of. That. Ridiculous. Cane"?
And I think you may have just missed some quotation marks here:
You don't use magic?'
It makes it less fun.
I will now go and die in both Sherlock&Doctor Who feels.
Jasmine, xAuthor's Response: KILL EVERYONE WITH FEELS!
Just kidding, DON'T DIE! You have the Ponds leaving this week, and we must know what happens so afterwards we can fangirl!
I'm glad you liked the story, regardless of all the mistakes, and I'll be sure to take a look through and fix those. :) Report Review
Hi there :)
This is a really interesting ship! I've never read something to do with Percy/Oliver before but now that I think about it, it makes sense that they would've known each other. I like how you've based their relationship off of Sherlock/John.
I think you could've expanded a bit more on their relationship. It didn't seem like their connection was that deep at the beginning.
There were a few grammar problems, and the last sentence was a bit strange because you changed it to second person with "he can hear you talking."
But other than that, what an interesting concept! Report Review
Wow. I gotta say, at the end, I got chills. Just a little. Spooky. :P
The only thing I will say is that you seem to switch a couple of times, going from 'Oliver' and 'he' to 'I'. I suggest just reading over this again. But I really enjoyed this, although how could a person not love HP, Oliver/Percy and Sherlock? :P
I think I may have to watch Sherlock now. :D
Sam.Author's Response: I just had Sherlock feels that I needed to get out, and Percy/Oliver made the perfect Sherlock/John in my mind. Can't you just see Percy in a scarf and long coat looking totally hot?
Anyway, I'm glad you liked it! Report Review
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