This is really good and I like the plot!! I like Sophia's character but I think you need to add some more background informtaion oh her, like her parents, siblings etc...

I'm guessing Sophia and James are 6th years, or maybe their 7th years?

"I know this place that no one would come in on us if the two of us were to hang out tomorrow after class" - I wasn't expecting that, Me thinks James has a little crush on Sophia and she's gotta huge one on him!

Really can't wait for the next chapter :D
10/10
-Potterfan310
Soph xx

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It's Rosie with your requested review! :)

First off, I know you don't like the story title much, so if you're concerned about it you can get some help from the Title Help thread over at the forums. The people there are very creative and I'm sure someone can come up with a great title for you. Just a suggestion. :)

One thing I noticed throughout the story is that your word choice is slightly poor. The words aren't very powerful, and that really lowers the story quality. Instead of saying "said" use "asked" or "exclaimed" and other juicy words that can really enhance the writing. Sentence fluency could use some work as well, because right now the transitions are very choppy. Again, that can be improved by fixing your word choice. You tend to start new sentences when you can just add in a comma. A quick re-read and minor edits should be able to fix that. :)

I really liked the description on James, it made me laugh. He's exactly as I imagined him to be. :P But perhaps you could have made it a bit more interesting by adding in some more of Sophia's voice into it? Right now the main thing your story seems to lack is voice. You could try fixing that by using italics or exclamation points more often--or use the kind of words that can really make Sophia's voice come through.

But overall, I really enjoyed this. This story has great potential and I like where this is going. Keep up the great work! :D

~Rosie

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Oh wow Forever, I was not expecting that.. I really cant wait to hear more though... Keep on writing!
XOXOX,
LLG

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Hi,

This is a really interesting story. I really liked it and I'm looking forward to reading the next chapter. I only found one problem here - "I found it extremely strange that James Potter was sitting next to Abigail." - I think you meant to say Annabelle instead of Abigail.

Also if you need any help with your title then cheek out the forums. They have a great Help Needed section.

Mystique

Author's Response: Hi!
Thanks so much! I'm glad you liked to story :)
On the name thing- thanks for pointing it out! I had some trouble deciding on Annabelle's name in the beginning so thank you!
Please keep reading :)

Forever

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Oh hello there :) I would just like to say you've done a lovely job with your first chapter.. I would appriciate it if you deleted one of these chapters since you have two Ch 1's currently. I would love to hear more so please write soon. As far as the naming situation goes- I could give you a handful if I had more of a story to go with since you want the title to represent your work.. So far my only ideas are "The year that changed my life", "The struggles of being a wallflower", "The James Potter Chase". Your's sounds far better- but you asked for ideas and so far that is all I have.. Keep writing :)
XOXOXOX,
LLG

Author's Response: Thanks so much for reading AND reviewing!!!
I just deleted one of the chapters and I'm posting another one up for validation. Before I named it "The Story of Me," but I really can't settle on a title :/ If I pick one of yours I'll be sure to give you credit! Thank you so much for reviewing!! Please keep reading!
-Forever

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