This is really interesting! I've never read one of the Scamander's being bitter, I think most people (including myself) see them as inseparable.
Again, you've captured the emotion and Lysander's thought process perfectly! It's amazing, you can write hilarious novels that are full of wacky characters (cough-Spencer-cough) but then you can write these amazing pieces, filled with emotion and imagery. (Not saying your other stuff doesn't though, it's just more prominent in your one-shots).
I loved the quote: "When Lysander flies, Lorcan soars."
It's just so powerful. A lot of siblings have that rivalry where one is better than the other and you just captured it in that one tiny sentence, in my opinion.
Also, I love how reluctant Lysander is to wear the sweater. I think he should be grateful and he shouldn't compare it to Lily's. He just doesn't seem to understand that he is his own person and Luna still loves him for it.
Anywho, this was another AMAZING one-shot, it was angsty and bitter, which is always fun to read! :D (It shouldn't be but it is :p)
Another 10/10! :D Report Review
I loved the ending to this story. I was so sad for Lysander though out this story. I think you wrote angst very well for being your first time. The ending with just a little hope is a perfect ending. I don't think there is a problem with no dialogue in this story because I think it would have thrown of the point of the story.
I'm still trying to figure out the numbers and what their purpose was in the story. Other than that the flow was good.
Good job. I enjoyed reading this and I think you worked in the quote nicely.
Meg Report Review
Can I just say that I LOVE your first paragraph? From the start, you had me laughing at your extremely well-written imagery. Eggs as shrapnel and friendly fire? LOL! Even your graphics has an excellent 'one of kind' sweater.
You did an excellent job at characterizing someone that I didn't know and giving him wonderful contemplative qualities of 'the silent-type.'
It is truly heart-breaking that he harbors such secret love for the one his brother seems to be winning... or is he? Hmm. There can be a lot in a smile. I thought it was so sweet of her... and a great ending.
You made me really feel for him. Great job in this little one-shot. You expertly describe everything so vividly.
Best wishes on your challenges...
Dark WhisperAuthor's Response: Thank you so much! I'm so so glad that you enjoyed this! I had a lot of fun with the first paragraph; I couldn't help putting in a little warfare in Lysander's breakfast haha. It's funny that you mention the graphic, because this model has always been the face of Lysander in my mind and I love this photo of him in a sweater - it's actually what inspired me to write this!
And I'm so happy that you like my characterization! Even though this isn't a long piece, I felt like I had gotten to know Lysander very well over the few weeks that I was writing this. And I'm very proud of him :)
There is a lot in a smile! I like to think that Lily still holds a special place in her heart for Lysander and she's unsure of how she feels about Lorcan because of it. There could be something in the future; that's what I wanted to convey with the ending - a sense of hope. So I'm glad that you liked it!
Thank you so much for reading and reviewing!
~Jess :D Report Review
A tear actually came out of my eye at the end of this and I just really felt for Lysander.
I'm not a twin myself, but I feel how he always feels he is in his brother's shadow and always second best, always ignored.
I liked that he had a little moment with lily at the end and that maybe he's not always second best with everything and the hope that that little action gives us that he won't always come second to his brother.
A truly moving piece that made me just want to give Lysander a big fat hug and tell him he's awesome too :')
I'll get back to you about placings in my challenge just after New Year.
Thanks for writing and entering my first ever challenge :D
hpsauceAuthor's Response: Thank you so much! I'm glad that you enjoyed this oneshot and while I'm sorry that it made you cry, I'm very happy that it affected you so much! I'm not a twin either but I can imagine that it's hard - in certain cases, that is. As we see with Fred and George, they can be incredibly close.
And that's exactly what I was hoping to portray at the end when Lily smiled at him; he's not really second best in anyone's eyes but his own.
And I'm sure that he'd appreciate a hug :)
Thank you so much for reading and reviewing! Great and fun challenge! :)
~Jess :D Report Review
This one-shot is beautiful! I really like your style of writing and I loved how you portrayed Lysander. I feel as if I can relate to poor old Lysander, being compared to your sibling is probably the most frustrating thing in the world. Sigh, I just want to read this again and again! 10/10Author's Response: Thank you so much! I really appreciate you taking the time to read and review and I'm so glad that you enjoyed this story! And it is a bit frustrating, isn't it? I'm sure it'll get better though; it does for Lysander :D Report Review
This is not only the sweetest one shot I've ever read, but also the awesomest!
I love the lay out - the chapter idea is very original and unique.
I love the style as well - very unique, with a lovely portrayal of Lysander.
The description is so amazing with powerful symbolism and a realistic insight to what he thinks and feels.
And all round plesure to read - an absolute gem of a one shot :)Author's Response: Thank you so much! I'm so glad that you enjoyed this oneshot; I'm so very flattered! Thank you! :D Report Review
I loved this! Wish it was a full storyAuthor's Response: Thank you so much! I'm sorry to say this will only ever be a oneshot, but I'm glad that you enjoyed it enough to wish it were longer! :) Report Review
Hello! I'm here with your requested review :)
For someone who is unfamiliar with writing angst, I think you did a phenomenal job! I write a lot of angst, and much of it is just me putting a darker spin on canon characterization. That's what I think you did here--made being a twin seem unpleasant, not in a humorous way but on a deeper level. I love how the sweater--and clothes, on a larger level--came to symbolize his feelings of inferiority compared to Lorcan and his jealousy about Lily.
The numbering system you used was a little distracting for me. I can definitely appreciate a more abstract style, but I would recommend using dividing symbols (asterisks, dashes, etc.) or line breaks to split up your paragraphs/sections in the future. That's probably just a matter of my personal preference.
because he isn't charming enough to obtain the latter -- love this. Great way to use a tiny, specific example to illustrate a larger trait.
The ending here was nice. I love that Lily, with all her light and perfection, was able to draw Lysander out of his doom and gloom for just a few moments. Now that I've gotten to the end, it fills me with all sorts of Snape/Lily feels (my favorite thing! Yay.) because I imagine that Lily Evans had the same sort of effect on him, and his personality seems quite similar to how you've characterized Lysander.
I wouldn't worry about the dialogue. I think some of the best one-shots I've read have little to no dialogue, and the piece seems more powerful without dialogue because to me, it emphasizes Lysander existing mostly in his own little world. I also wouldn't worry about flow; I was pretty hooked in to this short (and a bit charming) story.
Lovely job! I hope this review is helpful to you!
-AmandaAuthor's Response: Hi Amanda! I am so so so so sorry that it has taken me so long to respond to your lovely review; I'd like to thank you for stopping by in the first place and for taking the time to write this! I really appreciate it :)
I'm so glad that you thought I did well with the angst! That really means a lot to me - especially since writing this has made me want to write more angst pieces. It's a really great genre, isn't it? I never really thought about it much before, but now I love it!
And I certainly understand what you mean about the numbering system. The numbering was always a part of the story and I think it might have been because I was thinking that maybe this would be one of those one-shots where the story was told out of order. But then I went and told the story in order and the numbers stayed for some reason. I think I'm just going to leave them there for this particular story but I'll remember to use a different system for the future so thank you for pointing that out!
And thank you! I really enjoyed writing that line so it makes me happy to hear that stuck out to you and that you liked it :)
It's funny, I didn't notice the parallels between Lysander/Lily and Snape/Lily while writing, but you're right - it's definitely there. There certainly are differences (mostly because I see Snape/Lily as an unrequited type of love whereas I think Lily does have some romantic feelings towards Lysander in this) but Snape and Lysander do share that isolation and the sense of inferiority. Nice catch! I really like that idea and I'm glad that you noticed it!
And thank you about the no dialogue bit! I was worried when I first published this because I wrote this story with the intention of having dialogue. But then I wrote the last line and felt like that was a good place to end it even though nothing was said. But I was always a bit unsure if that was the best decision because I was afraid that it was boring without it. But I feel much better about it now so thank you.
Thank you so very much for stopping by and leaving me such a lovely review! I'm glad that you enjoyed this one-shot and your comments were extremely helpful :D
~Jess :D Report Review
First of all, I just have to prostrate myself at your feet in apology because it's taken me such an obscene amount of time to read and review this and it's pretty much unacceptable. Especially because this is such a wonderful, wonderful, WONDERFUL piece of writing. Perfect reading when you're snuggled up in bed with hot cocoa while it's raining, as I am (:
I've never been a big fan of the Lorcan/Lily/Lysander triangle but wow I think this has converted me. I love the way you handled each of the characters and how you painted such a clear image of Lysander's life in such a small amount of words. It's a weird thing to focus on, but I feel like the way he handled the letter from his Mum just said so much about what kind of a person he is and what kind of mother Luna is and what their relationship is like. And I think it's really amazing that you could convey so much in so little. So really good job with that, and with your characterization in general (:
Objectively, twins feeling a sense of rivalry is cliche. But, even though it's been done before, it hasn't been done quite like this - not with your level of charm and Lysander's realization in the end. It's difficult to choose a favorite part of this, but I think (ironically) mine would have to be the sentence with the Perks of Being a Wallflower quote in it: "But most of all he glares because everyone is always comparing everyone with everyone and he is the worst of them all."
And it's not just because of the quote, although you used it wonderfully. It's the context you've wrapped around this quote and the idea you convey with it - that, yes, people do compare Lysander with Lorcan, but he is the one who is constantly latching onto those comparisons to make himself feel inferior and unimportant. I just found that ending weirdly inspiring, maybe because it was so easy for me to relate to Lysander's feelings of inferiority. Anyway, not sure I'm doing a very good job of explaining why I loved that bit so much, but the important thing is that I did and I think you rocked this angst piece.
I enjoyed the format of this too. The numbers worked really well and it didn't seem too choppy or abrupt or anything. They also helped add an element of humor to the story, with his repeated promises to do his laundry again - especially because the reader knows exactly where his procrastination on laundry is heading and you sort of build up expectation for when he's going to have to wear that dreadful sweater. I like that you mixed in humor with the angst and moments of self-realization here (: Particularly in the beginning, I thought Lysander's in-depth observations of everything were very amusing and did a good job of establishing his quirkiness as a character.
I don't really have much to criticize here. I think you could use a second set of eyes to read this over, maybe, because there were a few grammatically incorrect or semi-confusing things. I'm not really sure why, but I had to read the last part of the first section (about Lily Potter opening her package and how he misses her smile) a few times before I really understood what you were saying. I think it's that last bit ("If he had known, he would have been sorry") that throws me off...something about the tenses or the ambiguity of the phrase, "If he had known". Gaaah I'm really awful at explaining myself, especially when I don't know whether it is grammatically correct or not. Just ignore me and my inability to articulate proper criticisms.
Anyway, that aside, I thought this was very well written and that you handled the transitions between each little segment very well. I think the most brilliant part about this was, as I mentioned before, the ideas that Lysander ponders in the end. The comparing everyone with everyone else bit, but also the endlessly ambitious/endlessly lazy thing. And I know it seems like I'm only complimenting on what you explicitly says wasn't yours, but I'm not complimenting the mere ideas, I swear! I'm complimenting the way you used them and that characterization of Lysander as simultaneously lazy and ambitious, because I just think it fits them very well.
Anyway, sorry this review is no where near as coherent or organized or flattering as you deserve. I feel like I'm sort of jumping all over the place with my compliments and being all sorts of vague so I'm just going to stop and end with this: I really enjoyed this. Your characters were supremely easy to relate to, to the point that I'm left wanting more of your Lysander and Lily and Lorcan and Luna (so many L names!) The quote fit into the story seamlessly and I thought this was a very original way to use it. Thank you so much for entering my challenge and giving me the pleasure of reading this! :) I'll try not to take too much longer to post the results hehe.
Cherry Bear Report Review
Oh, teenage angst, my favouritest thing in the world.
So this was... great, actually. I liked the list-like structure, because you've used it to cut between scenes very clearly, and it's worked especially well with numbers 7-10. I LOL'd IRL.
I'm also very impressed with your transitions between humour and angst and back again. You've managed to do that without making it feel disjointed - hell, you've even managed to make a disjointed structure without it feeling disjointed - so kudos to you because I, personally, could not do that.
You've also used the Perks quote and the ideas behind it really effectively, and I wish you good luck with the challenge.
Just a tiny nit-pick: couple of typos/'whom' abuse, IIRC how to use 'whom'. Nothing a good proofread won't fix. :)
I'm glad I've read this now; thank you for posting it in response to that status, and sorry for stealing your spot.Author's Response: Thank you so much! I'm eighteen so I know how you feel about the angst haha.
I'm really glad that you enjoyed this and that you were kind enough to review this! I don't mind that you "tool my spot"; I don't know why but my internet connection is very slow on the forums so I didn't see that you had already commented when I did. But the gesture is incredibly sweet and I appreciate it :D
I'm glad that you enjoyed the oneshot's structure, my usage of the quote, and its mix of humor and angst. That makes me very happy!!!
Thank you for pointing that there's still some typos throughout; I'll have to look it over at some point.
Thank you again so much!!!
~Jess :D Report Review
Wow! This left my brain a wonderfully scrambled mess, so if I ramble, its on you;D
I really liked this. I love the quote, and I think you did a wonderful job. This was very unique, I've never read anything like this before, which definitely leaves a lasting impression.
Why in the world were you seeming so worried about writing angst? I think you did a really, really good job! I was very thoroughly impressed, even since you said it was your first angsty piece!
I'm also lost as to why you were worried about there being no dialogue. Honestly, if there had been dialogue it would have thrown it all off. Again, you impressed me by not having dialogue.
The flow is tricky. I was definitely concerned when I saw the numbers, I was sure this was going to be very, very jumpy. Yes, there were jumps. Thats a given, you have them listed for Pete's sake! But, they weren't unmanageable and didn't butcher this lovely one-shot!
Good job and good luck in the challenge! Feel free to request again for some of your other work!
EverAuthor's Response: Hi there! Thank you so much for stopping by! I'm so glad that you enjoyed it!
I was so worried about the angst! I'm so used to writing fluff and humor and romance that this was way out of my comfort zone - but I really loved writing it! And it makes me so happy that you think I pulled it off - really, thank you.
And the no dialogue made me really worried because I was afraid people would get bored, not read it all the way through, etc. I was afraid that it was a turnoff, you know? But I'm so glad that you think it doesn't need it; I'm starting to feel much better about this piece :)
And I'm glad that the jumps didn't make it too disjointed! Thank you!
Thank you so much for reading this over! I'm crossing my fingers for the challenge, haha. I'll probably request something again soon, thank you :)
~Jess :D Report Review
asdfghjkl this was so beautiful. my hands are completely frozen right now so i can't write as long a review as i'd like, but i think you should know that this was absolutely gorgeous. really.Author's Response: Wow! Thank you so much! I really appreciate it :) Report Review
Hello! I'm True Author with your requested review! =]
This was a nice chapter I must say! :)
First of all, I loved the way you revealed or explained the plot. I think you have been trying your best to make this story perfect. I don't know why but I thought like that after reading the first few lines! :D
Anyways, there are some barely noticeable grammar and punctuation mistakes but I'm sure u can clear them by yourselves. just go through your story you'll find them easily.
True AuthorAuthor's Response: Hi there! Thank you so much for stopping by! I really appreciate it! I tried really hard with this oneshot; I just wanted to get it right, so thank you! After rereading it, I have noticed some mistakes that I will (someday) go back and fix.
Again, thank you so much!
~Jess :D Report Review
I really, really liked this. Well done. Fabulous writing.Author's Response: Thank you so much! :D Report Review
Hi Jess, it's Preaah from the forums! :)
I'm here with your review! So I'll begin with the nitpicky things, okay?
In your very first sentence, I find this bit a tad awkward: "His breakfast is unceremoniously interrupted when a package lands in the middle of his plate, scrambled eggs soaring through the air like shrapnel into the faces of those seated around him." It's more of the way the first half doesn't connect with the second smoothly. Maybe if you worded it like "...when a package lands in the middle of his plate causing scrambled eggs to soar..." I think it would sound better like that.
Similarly, this sentence is also lacking a connector: "Shaking his head, he allows his gaze to drop downwards to where his meal had previously been, now replaced by a lumpy package of sorts." Maybe add: "...had previously been, which has now been replaced by..."
Oh this isn't anything nitpicky but I love LOVE this sentence: "He is indeed not his own person, but rather an exact copy of another." Actually I love that entire paragraph. It's so beautifully put together and so poignant. Right, moving on though hehe...
In this sentence: "The more he thinks about it, the more it comes clear to him" the word comes should be 'becomes'..
In this sentence: "This was only to be made worst when the pair was eleven" the word 'worst' should actually be 'worse' and grammatically, it's a bit awkward. I think "this was only made worse when the pair were eleven..." sounds better.
In this one: "for the few moments in sat atop his head" I think you meant 'it' not 'in'.
And I'm not too sure about this sentence "fall in love with the infinities of courage and pretty girls it leaves at their very fingertips." I think the 'infinities of courage' sounds a bit awkward. I understand its place in the whole scheme of things but maybe rewording it?
Okay, now onto the meat of things! You said you've never written angst before? Well believe you me, that did not come across in this at all! There's a perfect amount of angst and light-heartedness in Lysander's voice that doesn't overwhelm the readers. You have a great way understanding of your character and it translates well into your writing because Lysander, although he's very down on himself, is actually a really loveable character. It makes me want to know more and cheer for him! And no, you definitely don't need dialogue. I think the style you've written this piece in works better without it actually. I think it would've detracted from the story so don't worry ;) So aside from the nitpicking above, I really love this story! Enough to favourite it ;)!
Hope this helps! xxAuthor's Response: Hi there! Thank you so much for stopping by!
Thank you so much for all the "nitpicky" suggestions; they're really helpful and I really appreciate it! (I might just keep the first line as it is though just because I'm kind of partial to it...I suck, I know haha - but the others I will take!) Sometimes I just don't realize that I'm using the wrong word or something like that so it really helps to have it pointed out to me :)
And thank you so much! I feel like that whole paragraph was a great moment for myself and Lysander; it was really the point in the story where I got to know him. I really got into his head right there and I really wanted to get his feelings right so I spent a lot of time on those lines. So I'm so unbelievably glad that you liked it! Ah!
I think the "infinities of courage" was probably one of those moments where I knew what I meant and then probably didn't translate well haha. I'll see what I can do; if I can't think of a better way to express what I meant, I leave it be but otherwise I'll change it :)
And I haven't written angst before! (But I will more often now haha). You're so very sweet ahhh thank you so much! :) I really had such a wonderful time writing this so I'm so glad that you enjoyed it! And that you favorited it! Thank you!
Thanks once again!
~Jess :D Report Review
Hey Jess, it's Molly from the forums with your requested review!
Let me start off by saying that I love that you chose to write some Next Gen kids who aren't written about very often and when they are, they tend to be portrayed as carbon copies of their mother. That or they've got nearly identical personalities, which is just one of the reasons why I really liked this because they couldn't be any different.
For your first time writing angst, I thought you did a really good job! I felt for Lysander all throughout - I can only imagine how frustrating it must be to be a twin, especially when you're the less popular twin who tends to get pushed to the wayside. At the same time, however, I feel like a lot of what Lysander's feeling is completely unfounded as it's his belief that Lorcan is better than him; we don't ever get proof aside from Lysander's skewed perception, which is just - well, it's awesome. I know a lot of people aren't satisfied when it comes to limiting points of view, but I thought you made it work really well in this piece. And though there's no dialogue, the characters - Lysander, Lorcan, and even Lily - all jumped out at me. I got a clear understanding of what Lorcan is like...well, through his brother's eyes, at any rate, but still you managed to bring to life a character that we're never actually formally introduced to, so kudos to you for pulling that off as brilliantly as you did!
Speaking of the lack of dialogue in this, no, I don't think it's a bad thing! In fact, I'm a rather big fan of no dialogue pieces as I feel they pack a much harder punch. Granted they're more difficult to write and sometimes the emotions end up getting lost, but that didn't happen to you with this one-shot. You not only pulled it off, you wrote it exceptionally well.
I think the last point you wanted me to touch upon was flow, which was very nice! There weren't any instances where I felt it was jolted or illogical to have reached that point in the narrative. Quite unlike this review, which has no flow whatsoever, so I apologize for that! Anyway, the flow was great!
This entire one-shot was really great, actually. Brilliant work!
- MollyAuthor's Response: Hi Molly! Thank you so much for stopping by and reading this; I really appreciate it! And you liked it! Ahhh!!! :D
When I received my quote for this challenge, I knew that I wanted to write about characters that were underrated or less used in fanfiction. I don't know why the Scamander twins and Lily aren't loved very much in this fandom, but I loved writing about them; there was so much uncharted territory and so much to explore. I really loved it!
And thank you! I was really worried about the whole angst thing; I had a great time experimenting with it, but since I had never done it before, it was kind of intimidating. I think I'd like to do it more; I love writing rom-coms but this is fun too.
And I'm so glad that you felt for him! Towards the end of writing this, I was a bit worried that people would find him whiney - because, like you said, his feelings are unfounded - but so far no one has so I'm really happy about that. Lysander is right in the sense that as a child, he was the unpopular and less liked twin - but Lily thought the world of him. And when he was sorted into Slytherin, he could have taken that as something that separated him from Lorcan, and he could have florished - but he cut himself off from the world, thinking that they didn't want him. If you asked Lily about why they aren't friends anymore, she would tell you that he gave up on her, not the other way around. Just a fun fact :)
And thank you so much for making me feel better about the no dialogue thing! I was originally going to have a scene at the end with Lily and Lysander talking at the Hog's Head, but I decided to leave it out because I thought it wasn't necessary and that it would take away from the story. So I'm glad that I stuck with that choice! Thank you!
So thank you so very much! I'm squealing right now in my dorm (thankfully my roommate isn't here at the moment to see me smiling like an idiot!) I'm just so happy that you enjoyed it and thank you again for all of the lovely things you've said; I think you're such a brilliant writer so to hear it from you is so exciting :D
~Jess :D Report Review
Love this one shot even though it made feel really really blue. I don't think i'd ever want to experience the pain that Lysander is going through and hopefully I never will have to. This is written so realistically and beautifully, I honestly felt heartbroken after reading it. The reader can really get into the headspace of Lysander and the agony he feels. I think you used your quote really well. Lorcan and Lysander, being twins, will always be compareable as twins always are. It's a sad reality but I do believe that having a sibling already starts off the comparability and being a twin would double it. Love this one shot, it's so captivating.
Love Maz xAuthor's Response: Hi Maz! Thank you so much for stopping by and reading this! I really appreciate it :) And I'm so glad that you liked it - that makes me so happy! I've always felt that being a twin would be very hard; Fred and George were very lucky that they just ended up being built-in best friends, but not everyone is so fortunate. So I wanted to write about twins that had a rocky relationship.
Thank you so much for reading and reviewing deary! Lots of love!
~Jess :D Report Review
So, I love the pairing of Lily with one of the Scamander twins and I was so excited when I saw that but the true excitement didn't come until after I had clicked into it because oh my gosh it was lovely.
I love the rivalry. I feel like twins can go one way or another, so close (Fred and George) or rivals, constantly competing for attention, or in this case, a girl.
And Luna's son is a snake and who would have ever expected that because I certainly wouldn't have! The poor boy who doesn't fit in but makes so many excellent points, now doesn't he?
Because though in some ways he is his own person, he's often treated like he isn't. And I can't help but feel badly for him, tucked away in the shadowes, feelings unimportant and not as special as his brother when really he has just as many wonderful qualities I'm sure.
My favorite line was at the beginning when it said that Lily smiled at him but he didn't notice and he would have been sorry had he known. I don't know, something about that line struck me, it really did.
I also loved the scene jumps! I found the bit about the laundry rather humorous, and at the same time rather typical of a teenaged boy. And then he had to wear the sweater to Hogsmeade. His mother really does love him, doesn't she? And as she always has, Luna means well.
I loved the end, when he listed all of th ways that he is different from his brother. It helped me to truly see him, to see who he was and who he wanted to be and it helped me to appreciate his crush on Lily even more.
And then she smiled at him. And it seemed the perfect ending to this piece, it really did.
You did a magnificent job with this piece, not only with capturing your quote but just overall. 10/10
~CassieAuthor's Response: Awww Cassie Report Review
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