Oh. My. God. This is nearly as good as Ms. Rowlings's work herself. I LOVE it! You've done a great job and you obviously have an amazing talent in this. So, basically. KEEP AT IT!
:)Author's Response: Well, I don't know what to say :) Thank you! Report Review
'Ello! Finally, some stories from a minor character's point of view! So far, I like where this is heading! I like that it's only one chapter in and you've introduced some problems.
Some things I would suggest would be re-reading this and just fixing some small stuff. In a couple of places it seems like you missed a couple of words. I would also suggest adding a bit more about Jake, and why she wants a snowy owl.
I might also add a bit more of Emily's personality.
I can't wait to read the next chapter!
-KrissyAuthor's Response: The whole story is posted, and I started to go back and try to fix some stuff. Jack appears a few times later, but he's a minor character. As for the owl, there's no specific reason really :|
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I wanted to carry on reading this but I only just got the chance to come back and leave a review. I think you have a really interesting idea with this story, and I actually really want to commend you for carrying on writing despite the fact you haven't had many reviews, because I know it can be disheartening sometimes. It shows you really love your story, though.
There were quite a few things I thought you did really well here. Your characterisation of Emily is quite consistent, and her voice definitely comes through in your narration. I also like the fact that you're including characters that we already know in your story. Seeing some of the people in Harry's year as well as Cedric make the story more believable and help the reader to relate to it better.
Another thing I thought you did really well is describe the effects of the Dementor attack. It's something that is quite important in the books and I can imagine that it would have been terrifying as a first year pupil with no real knowledge of the magical world.
One suggestion I would make is that you vary the length of your paragraphs, as the majority of this story seems to be written in quite short paragraphs. A little more variation would make it more interesting to read. I also noticed a few grammar and spelling mistakes that you could edit.
nott theodore :)Author's Response: I hate when a story I read gets abandoned, that's probably why I carried on :p
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Considering that you are twenty chapters into this story already, I really am quite surprised you don't have any reviews yet! I've seen this story a couple of times when I've been looking through the recently added and I quite liked the idea of a story about a 'normal' Hogwarts student, so I thought I'd give it a read.
Your characterisation is quite good in this chapter. Your character has a strong voice which comes through in your narrative, especially with the use of the first person, which is quite effective in developing her voice. First person is a very intimate narrative and the way your character addressed the reader made it even more so.
I also really like the concept you have with this story. Seeing the war from the perspective of an ordinary student will be very interesting.
Another strength here is that there are some lines that really make me laugh in this chapter, and anything that has an effect on the reader like that is really good.
However, I do think you have some areas that you could improve to make this an even better opening. I would suggest that you pay a lot more attention to your grammar as there are quite a few mistakes here which do affect the flow of your story. For example, your final sentence should read 'I'm not used to being behind at school'. It might be a good idea to get a beta who can check for that sort of problem if it's something you struggle with.
Another thing I think you could improve is the flow of your story. It is a little confusing at times as it doesn't follow a completely chronological order and it is sometimes difficult for the reader to know exactly what is happening.
Overall, I do like your beginning and I think this is a good introduction to your characters. Don't be disheartened by my comments; you have a good idea here and my suggestions are only to help improve the story and your writing.
nott theodore :)Author's Response: English is not my native language... sorry for any mistakes. The story is pre written but if I found sometime I'll try to do some editing.
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