Yay I get to read the second chapter of this, which is great as I really enjoyed the first!
I really liked how you started the chapter with some action, as that’s always really exciting:D You then built up the sense of panic with them wondering how on earth they could get out, and the fact that they had to eventually rely on muggle means, shows what a dire situation they were in!
I really liked all the description you used, and it’s quite a feat how much you included in an action chapter, as there is that tendency to forget to include it, and instead focus on the more fun and important parts, so it was nice to see it here.
I also really like your style, there’s something about which manages to capture our attention, and I didn’t feel that lost despite the fast pace of it.
It was also nice to see that Lorcan played quite a big part in this story so far, as you don’t tend to hear much about him, yet seeing him here, made it interesting!
There were a few typos, and areas where there was a space after the speech marks, but I’m your beta will fix that.
A very interesting chapter!
-Kiana :D Report Review
Hi, Cleo. Thanks for replying to my status update. I read the first chapter but wanted to make sure to review this one since it didn't have any yet.
This story is off to a very interesting and exciting start. It's obviously too early to tell what all is going on, but it definitely very intriguing. I like the idea of switching back and forth in time between chapters. It can be hard to pull off but for something with this much action, I have a feeling it will turn out to be a very effective style. And even before seeing your author's note, I could tell that's what you'd done between chapters one and two and thought it worked really well.
This chapter was super intense, though I loved the way it started out more slow and creepy before moving into the heart-thudding action. The idea of Albus's vacant eyes, it sent me straight back to that moment in GoF when Harry runs into Krum in the maze. And the abandoned church is such an eerie and sinister setting. And this terrible creature -- where did it come from? What does it want? How can it control people? And what can Malfoy do to help? So many questions! And having Albus re-awaken only to be killed a moment later was both terrible and unexpected. It would have been so much less cruel if he hadn't known what was happening -- but this was definitely more powerful.
You had some great lines throughout. I think one of my favorites was: As if welcoming back an old friend, the green ward burned up excitedly. I occasionally leave CC recommending authors scale back on the adverbs, but the use of 'excitedly' here was perfect. It absolutely helped personify the ward, making it all that more terrifying.
I really enjoyed reading your first two chapters. You are definitely off to a running start. There were a few typos here and there, but I'm sure you'll get those fixed once you send this off to your Beta. Otherwise, it was a great read. Thanks again for replying to my post. Report Review
Hi! I'm here for review swap :)
Wow, what an interesting first chapter! I have never read anything like this, which makes it that much more fun to read. I can tell this is one I'll be stalking for updates, for sure.
Your descriptions are so detailed all the way through this chapter, and they aren't limited to just the physical. You describe the characters so thoroughly, and I really enjoyed it. You've got some great imagery going, especially in the first section. It's a very compelling read :)
That said, though, I don't feel like the chapter really takes off until the third section, when she goes into the forger's shop. At that point there's wonderful dialogue and movement, and before that it's all description, basically. Everyone's opinion on this will be different, but I think those first two sections go on just a little too long. You set a really vivid scene, but be careful not to make readers wait too long to really get the ball rolling.
I absolutely loved the forger! His job makes him mysterious, but his personality is so open and friendly. He's an interesting character, and like I said, the scene with him was my favorite of the chapter. I didn't get as much of a feel for Roxanne, but I'm sure later chapters will allow me to get to know her better :)
I can't wait to see where this goes! You've sparked a lot of questions with this opener, and you've definitely piqued my interest. Great job, and thanks again for the swap!
--Maggie Report Review
Ok I'll be honest, I've never really read many Roxanne stories, so I didn't really know what to expect!
I really liked the opening, as it really intriguid, me as I never really imagined Roxanne as a person who went and searched for danger, so that was a nice surprise. And Roxanne being confused was great as well, as that made the reader confused as well (in a good way mind!), and it made them want to read on, and try and figure out, what on earth she was doing!
I thought your description was great, as you created really vivid imagery, so you could perfectly imagine the scene before you, which made you feel more connected to the story.
Me being a canon nerd here, so sorry about this, but the bartender of the Leaky Cauldron would have been Hannah Abbott at this time, not Tom. This was a really minor thing, so don't worry too much, it was just me being a sticker to canon ;)
I thought the forger was part of some sort of cult at first, but I thought the whole idea was great. It made me really wonder why Roxanne needed a secret identity, and needed to move to Canada, as it must be pretty serious if she's doing such drastic action!
I just have a couple of CC's, you said farther at one point, I think you meant further, as that makes more sense. And some of the paragraphs I felt were a little long so perhaps if you broke them up, it would make easier reading:)
I really enjoyed this first chapter, and it definitely has shown me there are some great Roxanne stories out there, so I should look out for them more often, Kiana ;D Report Review
Hi! Siriusly89 here with the review swap :D
This story is so different to anything I've ever read! I am rather confused! Is Roxanne a fugitive, or working on some Auror mission for the Ministry? And why did she put such an old date of birth on her paperwork?
Your description of Knockturn Alley was so vivid, I could actually see it! The warren of alleys, the smokey haze, the shiftyness of the entire place!
I loved Asgard and Alcina! They don't seem like the typical forgers, but they do at the same time, if that makes any sense whatsoever!
This story has kind of a mysterious, snarky vibe which I just love! I will most definitely be favouriting because I really want to see where you take this story!
Brilliant! 10/10! Report Review
hey, it's Whiskey :)
I loved how you started with confusion, but had Roxanne snap out of it rather quickly and get to business :D It's a nice trick to involve the reader (we can associate better if our character is just as confused as we are and asks the same questions) but as soon as the reader gets accostomed to the story, you make sure to hook them with new information. Information that, by the way, I find you reveal in excatly the right dossages:not too much and just enough to keep us guessing.
So, basically, very interesting! I am curious to know what this unavoidable and tragic "it" was that happened int he future! I also liked Knockturn alley :) I found your dialogues were good (except maybe when the forger settles for 8 thousand so quickly through his daughter's intervention, maybe you couldadd a couple more details to explain why). If I were to give any suggestions for improvement, it would be some of your sentences. You often make long and complex statements, and they seem to lose potency. Also, this paragrpah was a bit klunky: "She turned her lip up in disgust and made a vocal disapproving sound. She walked out of the bathroom and looked into the mirror. She took one more glance up and down to make a final appraisal of her old-fashioned clothes before venturing off." Mostly because all thre sentences start with "she". Also "disapproving vocal sound" is not very inspired :P Apart from things like that, I found this story got off to a great start! Keep writing:) Report Review
Okay I just have to get this out of the way before I actually do my review. The bartering you had between Roxanne and the Forger was so amusing. I've done my fair share of bartering in China Town when I go into New York City, and it just gives you such a rush. And I totally felt the same rush while Roxanne was doing it.
Okay, onto the actual review.
I love how you started this with throwing us into the middle. It's one of my favorite techniques an author can do, and always grabs my attention right away. The feeling of Roxanne's anxiety was very well done, and such a gripping way to begin.
You mentioned in your AN about your first sentence, and though I think it does a really great job at getting the reader started, it did feel a bit odd. I think the idea of having electricity inserted is sort of what stumped me up. I don't know why, but I found myself trying to figure out if electricity can actually in *inserted* into anything. Maybe rewording it as, "Roxanne jolted awake as if an electric current had tore through the length of her spine."
I didn't notice anything else that felt off though, and I may have only noticed the sentence because you pointed it out in your AN.
Knockturn Alley isn't described near enough. I feel like it's forgotten about so often, and you did such an amazing job at bringing it to life. I was also really pleased when the shop wasn't what Roxanne expected it to be.
And now we're left to wonder just on earth this girl is up to!
I think you have a really great start with this! I'm going to have to come back by when you add the next chapter!
Thanks for an awesome swap, m'dear! Report Review
This is an exciting start to your story! It's very good - my eyes were glued to the page from start to finish. You've got so many great things going for this story. It's unique, both as a next-gen and as a time travel story. The choice of Roxanne was an excellent one, as she needs more stories written about her, and the way that you've portrayed her so far really works. I also like the action/adventure feel to this story - the pacing was done very well, with just the right balance of movement, description, and dialogue. You've put a lot of work into this piece, and it shows. :)
That introductory scene was especially gripping with its vivid descriptions and tense tone. That was the perfect way to begin - it's not often that I see someone putting so much detail into the physical effects of time travel. Writers will include little things about spinning heads, etc. rather like apparition, but here you've put a lot more thought into it, and it makes for a very effective opening.
You've piqued my curiosity with this introductory chapter. I want to know what's going on and why it's happening - you give wonderful little hints like the reference to Mrs. Tonks, and I'm also wondering why she specifically needs that kind of identification from the forger. The time travel contraption is also fascinating, but it's not as significant as the story behind her mission - that's another key thing for a time travel story. It's refreshing that the method of time travel isn't the most significant aspect of the story, as it often becomes - you carefully foreground her mission, which is a great choice.
There was one little typo I noticed - "he get’s the chance". It should read "gets" instead. Otherwise, the writing was impressive and nicely polished. Excellent work on this story so far! I look forward to seeing what you do next with it. :D Report Review
Interesting start. The forger and his daughter were very lively characters, I liked their scene. I did think it was odd that they seem to expect Roxanne to be telling them the truth about what she wants on her papers when she's there for forged papers. You'd think they'd ask what she wants them to say rather than for her entire history. There's not much detail on the plot yet but enough to get interest, and Roxanne seems good so far from what I can see. Your descriptive language is very good, and I didn't see any grammatical errors. Everything looks good, basically :) I hope you continue the story!Author's Response: Well the way I saw it was more like this. If one would go to a forger and wanted a complete new identity that person would want certain things on their paper and so did they think. I mean they donÃ¢Â€Â™t expect her to say the truth but the story she wants on paper. That was exactly what they were implying haha. Glad to hear so! I surely will continue this. Report Review
sadlksadhsajkfs i love this!
Honestly, this was such a great read. There's so much mystery surrounding this despite the fact that you've told us quite a lot already. Coherency isn't exactly my thing either so this review is going to end up kind of pear-shaped ahaha.
I just... gah the introduction was totally enthralling and just pulled me right in, but I think it was a bit...wordy? The sentences ran on a bit so I'd advise that you ease into it in each section before going on to each separate section with paragraphs of writing. :)
I really liked this because it was decently paced - fast, but it covered everything really nicely and didn't feel rushed either. It feels like you've spent a good amount of time on this and honestly your efforts have not been wasted!
This is just...gah. I want the next chapter so badly. There's so many questions: what mission? what's in the bag? why Roxanne? why muggle and wizard forged documents?
I can't wait for the next chapter - please let me know when its up!!Author's Response: *blushes* Glad to hear so!! *grins*
It doesnÃ¢Â€Â™t matter hahaha. That happened quite a lot to me when I review something I truly liked. I see it as a compliment.
ThatÃ¢Â€Â™s funny to hear, because IÃ¢Â€Â™m really the opposite of wordy and for this story I decided to try it out and I overdone it hahaha. Thank you I will keep that in mind but the next few chapters are already prewritten.
Well I did spent much time on it to be honest as IÃ¢Â€Â™m not someone who uses a lot of words and describes much but for this story I wanted to change that.
The next chapter is in the queue, but it isnÃ¢Â€Â™t betaÃ¢Â€Â™ed yet. So I hope you will enjoy that one also. As for your questions you will slowly find out throughout the story. When I say slowly I do mean slowly haha.
Hope to hear soon again from you!
Hey, I'm here from tag.
So I admit I prepared for the worst when I saw that there's time travel in this fic. I'm sure you know what it's like - there are so many cliches associated with this mind of plot that, generally, the most prudent course of action would be to avoid it altogether. However, you've done a good job with making this opening stand out; it's interesting, it creates a hell of a lot of suspense and unanswered questions - so well done with that.
The opening sentence could've done with a comma in there somewhere, but apart from that, I think it's fine.
One last thing before I go: Roxanne's a bit darker than brunette, don't you think? Considering she's half black.
Anyway, good luck writing! :)Author's Response: Hello and thank you so much for reviewing, though I'm sorry that it took so long to answer life got in the way.
I know what you mean. There are a lot of cliches in these kind of plots and I hope I will steer away from the negative cliches ( seeing nowadays almost everything is a cliche). I'm glad you think so!
I will look into it.
Well I agree with you actually but in my mind for this story. Roxanne dyes her hair. I mean dying ones hair is quite common and is something I don't see that much in fanfic. Though perhaps it was a bit abstract here it was what I meant with it
Okay, so you've definitely made me curious. Very curious. Why does Roxanne have to go back to the past? What has happened in the future? What's so important about that ring she has on the necklace? What else is inside the bag? How did she get back to the past? What era has she landed in? Gah, so many questions! It's a good thing, don't worry ;)
I really like this. You started it really well, with the whole Roxanne-waking-up thing, made a little different by the fact that she was obviously somewhere she didn't necessarily recognise and the time was different from what it had been when she'd left the future.
Roxanne is an interesting character. So far she doesn't seem too much like either George or Angelina - she's a bit quieter, like George, and she seems to have her mum's confidence, but I don't instantly recognise her and their child, you know? Anyway, it's interesting. It makes me want to read on to find out more about her, and to see how much of a Weasley she really is - like does she have George's sense of humour? Angelina's Quidditch ability? Molly's cooking skills, Arthur's love of muggles?
The plot is really fascinating. I want to know more! You've done really well with keeping it nice and pacy, a good length and packing it full of little bits of information - but never enough so that we know the whole backstory.
Also, I love the idea of forging magical documents. It just developed the whole idea of a magical underworld further - it's completely believable.
So, yes, I really enjoyed this :)
Aph xxAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for taking time to review and sorry for the long wait concerning the answering, life has been very hectic these couple of weeks. I'm glad I was able to make your curious. So many answers and yet so little answers so far haha. I will end up answering most of not all when writing this story.
Well that part was so important so I had to include it but like you said I tried to make it a bit different.
I hope you were able to see that from them but I have to admit I don't think she will end up being a lot like her parents or family concerning the circumstances she grew up through. But I admit you gave a great idea!!
I'm glad you think the plot is fascinating! If you want to know more you have to read future chapters. ( a bit of self promoting here *wink*)
Glad you liked! I wasn't too sure if it was allowed on this site, but in my opinion it would be unbelievable that one doesn't have to show his documents atleast once. I'm not sure if there will be a moment in the story I will show this but it would be unbelievable if she didn't have these papers.
Glad you did! Report Review
I liked the first sentence(;
I loved this! I really loved reading about Roxanne, it seems like she's a bit underloved to me! You characterization of her, it was very strong. I think your imagery was really just wonderful! This was very intriguing and I loved reading it!Author's Response: Yeah? Glad to hear that as I was really unsure about it! I agree she is a bit underloved that's why I had to write something about her. Glad to hear that! Hope you will continue reading this Report Review
Perelandra here with your review swap! :D
Alright so honestly...I think I'm very intrigued! The first part grabbed me to the points where I just wanted to continue with the rest of the chapter and not scroll through this. Also...I'm ashamed of this but there are so many Weasley children so I had to google who Roxanne was and who were her parents in order to get a visual in my head.
I'm a very detail oriented person. I love dialogue but what I like more is when the setting is described and the details. You definitely managed to strike the rare balance between dialogue and imagery very well. Some people bore me with too much description while others don't "set the stage" and only have dialogue. I found myself sort of like walking along Roxanne through Knuckturn Alley wondering where exactly she was going to go.
You wrote in your a/n about not having this beta'ed yet. You could've fooled me! The plot (regardless of being the first chapter) is interesting and I couldn't find grammar or punctuation problems. Overall this was a very interesting read and I want to know what happens next. So many questions I have. One of them is simple and doesn't pry too much into your plot...how old is Roxanne here? I'm guessing that she's over seventeen at least.
As for a banner...honestly, since you labeled this as a 'mystery' I would go with dark hues. As for an actress...I personally pictured a young Tia/Tamara Mowry. Like in their 20s. I have no idea if you know who they are though...
Anyway! Overall this was a great introduction and I definitely wish to know what happens next! :DAuthor's Response: Hello Perelandra! Thank you so much for taking time to review even though it was for a review swap. I'm sorry for the lang wait but life had been very hectic these last couple of weeks. I had time to read your review but I wasn't able to answer it.
I'm glad I got you intrigued, that means I did my job! Whahaha doesn't matter, like you said there are many Weasley children and the HP world as simply too much characters to know them all.
Well I'm glad you think so because in my opinion I'm very lacking in details and more a dialogue kind of person so this time I really put much effort in the setting and details.
Well to be honest with you I haven't got a specific age for her but she isn't a major. I do know she is above 20 and underneath 23 if I'm to be more specific. Perhaps I will have a better answer later on but to be honest with you I hadn't put any thought on her age.
Well I had to look them and I did know who they were I just didn't know their name. I went for a banner like that and ended up not putting a clear female character on the banner so the readers can make their own Roxanne in their head. Report Review
:) I like Mr.Eggen.. hahah...
Your have a really fantastic chapter! I love your story, it leaves suspense, mystery and tension, which is hard to do.
Your really good at describing the stuff and I feel as though i'm there, and I really can't wait for the next chapter!! :)
Love it! 10/10!
I take it this is Roxanne Weasley?? If so, i picture her a bit like Victoria Justice...Author's Response: IÃ¢Â€Â™m glad you like him!
Thanks IÃ¢Â€Â™m glad you think so. Well IÃ¢Â€Â™m not really that great in describing things thatÃ¢Â€Â™s why I put more effort this time. Hopefully I hear of you during the next chapter.
Glad you enjoyed it!
Yes it is Roxanne Weasley. Victoria Justice, huh.
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